About The Islander. (St. Simons Island, Ga.) 1972-current | View Entire Issue (July 14, 2008)
PAGE 8, JULY 14, 2008, THE ISLANDER Dave Barry Mr. Language Person By Dave Barry find themselves slapped with a hefty ticket, with a bill banning open con tainers of alcohol in cars speeding to the governor's desk." Sharon Canada sent in an English- language driver's manual for foreign ers in the Republic of Korea, which contains this statement: "Drivers must not allow passengers to make noise or disorder such as dancing on vehicles to the degree of interrupting safe driving." Q. Does that mean that a certain amount of dancing on vehicles is OK? stances, such as when the vehicle is speeding toward the governor's desk and everyone is singing teriyaki songs. GOT A QUESTION FOR MIS TER LANGUAGE PERSON? Speak directly into the newspaper. Keanu is monitoring you. This classic DAVE BARRY column was originally published Nov. 4, 2001. (C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him do Tropic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL Welcome to another episode of "Ask Mister Language Person," the column written by the language expert who recently won the World Wrestling Federation Grammar Smackdown when he kneed William Satire right in the gerunds. Our first language question comes from an extremely high federal offi cial, who asks: Q. What are the mandatorical parts of speech that is required to be in a sentence? A. To be grammatorically correct, a sentence must have three basic elements: (1) A SUBJECT, which is a noun that can be either a per son, place or mineral; (2) A VERB, which is a word that describes an action, such as "kung fu"; and (3) AN OBJECT, which is a noun that weighs two or more pounds. Let's see how these elements combine to form this example sentence, written by Marcel Proust: "Being late at night, Earl failed to check his undershorts for lip stick stains, which is why he was awokened at 6:30 a.m. by Lurleen whanging him upside his head with a object." Q. Speaking of Marcel Proust, what can the letters in his name be rearranged to spell? A. "Rump Locaters." Q. I am a top business executive writing an important memo, and I wish to know if the following word ing is correct: "As far as sales, you're figures do not jive with our param eters." A. You have made the common grammatical error of using the frica tive infundibular tense following a third-person corpuscular impreca tion. The correct wording is: "As far as sales, your fired." Q. I am a foreign person from abroad visiting the United States, and I would like to know how to speak so I can "fit in" with the locals. A. This depends on where you are. Suppose somebody says "hello" to you: CORRECT RESPONSE IN THE MIDWEST: "You can make a bet on that! It is not presenting any prob lems!" CORRECT RESPONSE IN URBAN AREAS: "Are you talking? To me? Forget all about it, bagful of dirt!" CORRECT RESPONSE IN THE SOUTH: "I am fixing to experience a hankering for a pig organ such as chitlings, you all!" Q. I am a member of the U.S. House of Representatives, and recently, following an incident that was totally not my fault involving an underage Shetland pony, I was charged with "moral turpitude." My question is: Is that bad? If so, would IMMORAL turpitude be good? Also, is there a rock band called "Marcel and the Turpitudes"? A. There certainly should be. Q. You know how, when you're waiting on hold for Customer Ser vice, they have a recorded voice tell you that "your call may be moni tored"? Who, exactly, may be moni toring it? A. Keanu Reeves. Q. Is it time to pad out this col umn with true examples of strong language usage sent in by alert read ers? A; It most surely is: Paul Briggs sent in an Associated Press article concerning a referen dum to ban alcohol sales in Fairhope Township, Pa., in which a resident is quoted as making the following allegation about the town's only bar, Hillbilly Haven: "Some nights, I think they have those teriyaki songs." Marcia Berner and Charlie Dallas sent in a newsletter from the Mus- selman Funeral Home in Lemoyne, Pa., that has two front-page articles, one headlined "Cremation Around the World," and the other headlined "Outdoor Grilling Tips." Dan Lothringer sent in an article from The Houston Chronicle that begins: "Texans used to enjoying a frosty brew inside their car may soon A. Yes, under the right circum- 33132) □ Movie Night at the Casino Simons Library League Amazing Grace Wednesday, July 30 7:00 p.m. Casino Theater "Amazing Grace" UK, 2006, directed by Michael Apted. The great gospel hymn “Amazing Grace" ms written by a British slave trader in repentance for his sins. This film of the same name touches on that story and how it intersects with the career of William Wilberforce, the passionate British crusader whose efforts led to the abolition of the slave trade in the 19th century It is a detailed, affecting biography of one of the great souls who moved humanity forward. Rated PG. Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated. Read Your Local News Here Each Week Y4c 9i.lati.de4 Plew.iaap.e4 Subscribe NOW! SI7.00 in Glynn County • SI9.00 out of Glynn County Call (912) 265-9654 or send your check to: The Islander Newspaper P.O. Box 20539 St. Simons Island, GA 31522 Name Address City State Payment Method: Check # MasterCard# Zip Phone exp. VISA# exp.
