Newspaper Page Text
PAGE 8, JULY 14, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dave Barry
Mr. Language Person
By Dave Barry
find themselves slapped with a hefty
ticket, with a bill banning open con
tainers of alcohol in cars speeding to
the governor's desk."
Sharon Canada sent in an English-
language driver's manual for foreign
ers in the Republic of Korea, which
contains this statement: "Drivers
must not allow passengers to make
noise or disorder such as dancing on
vehicles to the degree of interrupting
safe driving."
Q. Does that mean that a certain
amount of dancing on vehicles is
OK?
stances, such as when the vehicle
is speeding toward the governor's
desk and everyone is singing teriyaki
songs.
GOT A QUESTION FOR MIS
TER LANGUAGE PERSON? Speak
directly into the newspaper. Keanu
is monitoring you.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published Nov. 4, 2001. (C)
2008 The Miami Herald. Dist. by Tribune
Media Services. Dave Barry is a humor
columnist for the Miami Herald. Write
to him do Tropic Magazine, The Miami
Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL
Welcome to another episode of
"Ask Mister Language Person," the
column written by the language
expert who recently won the World
Wrestling Federation Grammar
Smackdown when he kneed William
Satire right in the gerunds.
Our first language question comes
from an extremely high federal offi
cial, who asks:
Q. What are the mandatorical
parts of speech that is required to be
in a sentence?
A. To be grammatorically correct,
a sentence must have three basic
elements: (1) A SUBJECT, which
is a noun that can be either a per
son, place or mineral; (2) A VERB,
which is a word that describes an
action, such as "kung fu"; and (3)
AN OBJECT, which is a noun that
weighs two or more pounds. Let's see
how these elements combine to form
this example sentence, written by
Marcel Proust:
"Being late at night, Earl failed
to check his undershorts for lip
stick stains, which is why he was
awokened at 6:30 a.m. by Lurleen
whanging him upside his head with
a object."
Q. Speaking of Marcel Proust,
what can the letters in his name be
rearranged to spell?
A. "Rump Locaters."
Q. I am a top business executive
writing an important memo, and I
wish to know if the following word
ing is correct: "As far as sales, you're
figures do not jive with our param
eters."
A. You have made the common
grammatical error of using the frica
tive infundibular tense following a
third-person corpuscular impreca
tion. The correct wording is: "As far
as sales, your fired."
Q. I am a foreign person from
abroad visiting the United States,
and I would like to know how to
speak so I can "fit in" with the
locals.
A. This depends on where you
are. Suppose somebody says "hello"
to you:
CORRECT RESPONSE IN THE
MIDWEST: "You can make a bet on
that! It is not presenting any prob
lems!"
CORRECT RESPONSE IN
URBAN AREAS: "Are you talking?
To me? Forget all about it, bagful of
dirt!"
CORRECT RESPONSE IN THE
SOUTH: "I am fixing to experience
a hankering for a pig organ such as
chitlings, you all!"
Q. I am a member of the U.S.
House of Representatives, and
recently, following an incident that
was totally not my fault involving
an underage Shetland pony, I was
charged with "moral turpitude." My
question is: Is that bad? If so, would
IMMORAL turpitude be good? Also,
is there a rock band called "Marcel
and the Turpitudes"?
A. There certainly should be.
Q. You know how, when you're
waiting on hold for Customer Ser
vice, they have a recorded voice tell
you that "your call may be moni
tored"? Who, exactly, may be moni
toring it?
A. Keanu Reeves.
Q. Is it time to pad out this col
umn with true examples of strong
language usage sent in by alert read
ers?
A; It most surely is:
Paul Briggs sent in an Associated
Press article concerning a referen
dum to ban alcohol sales in Fairhope
Township, Pa., in which a resident
is quoted as making the following
allegation about the town's only
bar, Hillbilly Haven: "Some nights,
I think they have those teriyaki
songs."
Marcia Berner and Charlie Dallas
sent in a newsletter from the Mus-
selman Funeral Home in Lemoyne,
Pa., that has two front-page articles,
one headlined "Cremation Around
the World," and the other headlined
"Outdoor Grilling Tips."
Dan Lothringer sent in an article
from The Houston Chronicle that
begins: "Texans used to enjoying a
frosty brew inside their car may soon
A. Yes, under the right circum- 33132) □
Movie Night
at the Casino
Simons Library League
Amazing Grace
Wednesday,
July 30
7:00 p.m.
Casino Theater
"Amazing Grace" UK, 2006, directed
by Michael Apted. The great gospel hymn
“Amazing Grace" ms written by a British
slave trader in repentance for his sins. This film
of the same name touches on that story and
how it intersects with the career of William
Wilberforce, the passionate British crusader
whose efforts led to the abolition of the slave
trade in the 19th century It is a detailed,
affecting biography of one of the great souls
who moved humanity forward. Rated PG.
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.
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