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PAGE 10, SEPTEMBER 22, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Today we present an important
breakthrough in the ongoing effort by
research scientists to figure out what, if
anything, men are thinking. But first,
we have an important warning con
cerning a worrisome topic that, unfor
tunately, is very much on our minds
these days: pecan safety.
This warning is based on an alarm
ing report from the St. Louis Post-
Dispatch, written by Heather Ratcliffe
and sent in by a number (14 million)
of alert readers. The report concerns a
Pacific, Mo., couple who-like so many
people-kept a bucket of pecans in their
garage." Their visiting grandchildren
like to feed the nuts to squirrels,"
explains the Post-Dispatch.
The story states that one fateful day,
the man-seeking to keep the couple's
dog from getting into the bucket -put
a second bucket on top of it, thus seal
ing the pecans tightly inside. You have
probably already guessed what hap
pened next: The dog burned down.
No, sorry. The HOUSE burned
down. According to the Post-Dispatch,
a reaction called "spontaneous combus
tion" -which is caused when oxygen
combines rapidly with a snack food-
took place inside the bucket, and the
pecans "burst into flames." (The same
reaction occurs inside your stomach
when you eat a Slim Jim.)
The Post-Dispatch, getting both
sides of the story, contacted a Missouri
pecan grower, Elizabeth James, 82,
who has been growing pecans since
1940. She stated that her pecans have
never, in all those years, given her any
trouble. "They don't explode by them
selves," she is quoted as saying, adding,
"my Lord."
Nevertheless, we can all agree there
are several important conclusions to be
drawn from the Missouri tragedy:
1. Let the squirrels get their own
darned nuts.
2. If your dog wants to get your
pecans, it's best to just let him, even
though he will eat the whole bucket,
and then, after conducting a thorough,
inch-by-inch survey of your entire
house, throw up on your most valuable
floor covering.
3. Congress needs to hold hearings
into this question: How come airlines
go to all that trouble to prevent people
from taking bombs onto planes, and
then just HAND EVERYBODY A BAG
OF NUTS?
We are now approaching our actual
column topic, which has baffled every
body for thousands of years: Why
do men like to look at good-looking
women?
The answer, according to a study
that I am not making up, conducted by
researchers at Massachusetts General
Hospital, is that looking at attractive
Finding your
inner lizard
By Dave Barry
women-prepare for a shocking finding-
-gives men pleasure.
Yes. According to news reports, the
researchers had a group of young men
look at photos of people of various
degrees of attractiveness. The study
showed that, when the men saw a photo
of a beautiful woman, their pecans
burst into flames, if you get my drift.
If the men wanted to keep looking at a
photo of an attractive woman, they had
to keep pressing a key; one researcher
said that some men pressed the key
6,000 times in 40 minutes, which is "as
much as a rat presses for cocaine."
The researchers concluded that
looking at attractive women stimulates
"reward centers" of the men's brains
that are "considered to be evolutionary
holdovers from reptiles."
That sounds right to me. I live in
South Florida, which is Lizard Cen
tral. There are thousands of lizards
in my yard alone, and as far as I can
tell, the males do virtually nothing, all
day long, except stare at the females.
Occasionally, when a male lizard sees
a female lizard that he considers to be
particularly hot, he will inflate a red sac
on his throat. Apparently, the males
believe that this is highly attractive-
that when female lizards get together
in the ladies' restroom, they say: "Did
you SEE the throat sac on Vernon?"
But the point is that, thanks to this
breakthrough Massachusetts research,
we can draw some important conclu
sions:
1. If a man is with, let's say, his
wife, and he sees an attractive woman,
and his eyeballs go shooting SPROING
out of their sockets and dangle from
their optic fibers around his knees,
this is NOT HIS FAULT, because he is
under the control of his primitive rep
tile brain, and his wife should not get
angry at him, even if it happens to be
their wedding reception.
2. We now know what part of the
brain causes men to believe that women
will be attracted to them if they have a
big red Corvette.
3. Let the rats get their own darned
cocaine.
This classic DAVE BARRY column
was originally published Aug. 11,
2001. (C) 2008 The Miami Herald.
Dist. by Tribune Media Services. Dave
Barry is a humor columnist for the
Miami Herald. Write to him do Trop
ic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One
Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132) □
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