Newspaper Page Text
■Mr®.
jAnd Why Fifty Thousand Bachelors
| Are Afraid to Marry the
Lovely Lassies
V
I The Men Say the Girls are Elegant to
Call Upon and Go Out With,
bat so Expensive.
[Special New York Letter.]
“Hello, Cholly, how are you? Lost
your heai-t, evidently, this season.
Who’s the fair one? Might as well con
fess. '*
“Yes, lost it again, Spirto, and this
(time for keeps, and my head and peace
of mind as well.
“What’s the row? Can’t you get the
lady’s heart in return?”
“I’ve got it, and there's where the
trouble comes in. If I hadn’t got it,
and knew I couldn't get consent, it
wouldn’t be so bad. You see I can’t
rossibly marry, couldn’t think of it for
minute on my income, and there’s no
Frospect of an increase that I can see, so
m in a fix.”
“What's your income?”
/ “Well, about $2, »00 per annum, at
present.”
“Marry the girl.”
“What! Do you really mean to advise
* man to marry on such an income! Why,
-•* it wouldn’t more than pay rent for the
apartments my girl would want to live
In. Do you know what it costs to get
married and live in New York in any
■ort of shape, and with any sort of a
stylish girl. It can’t be done on less
than |5,000 a year, and if youhavn’t got
that much at least, the old man wouldn’t
think of it, even if the girl would, which
Is very doubtful. No siree, no marry
for me on $2,500 per year, not if I know
•
rl i i
/n \\ U, rtU •>
iSTHT &
g? Wt n
. J JPP
“NO MARKY FOR MB.”
it. Now if vou really want to know
something about the geography of mar
ried life in New York just look around
among your friends and see how few
of the boys get married, and the number
Is decreasing every year, too. I tell you
it is a dangerous thing to marry nowa
days in this city, and the boys know it
by heart. There’s at least fifty thousand
bf them that havn’t married and never
expect to. in this city alone, and I am
one of the unhappy band. So long,
. Miss Carrie' It, and 1 want to see
'*'• See yoH later.”
And as Miss Carrie It., connected with
some of the best revolutionary blood of
Gothan, bowed sweetly, he joined her
and they walked up Broadway. Miss
Cards was certainly a stylish and hand-
( Zp\
A I
vAa%7 rfe
UOr VI
MISS CARIUR 8.
tome young lady, and as they walked
away I couldn’t help thinking of the
graceful swing she gave her body,
and the neat fitting dress which she
aaauaged with so much finesse that it
seemed born a part of her.
What did her get-up coat? How much
did her guardian angel, otherwise her
well-to-do uncle, lay out for that awing
of her dress? Evidently it was gained
only through a long series of seasons at
| different watering places, and high
■ priced ones, aa you don’t find just that
■ peculiar undulation at any second rate
r Motels, and it cannot be learned in a
single season. That owing alone is evi-
I dunce of an expenditure of at least $5,-
| 000 as high priced watering places. Her
1 hat must have cost something like
■ twenty-five dollars, at a low estimate,
K and »U in a season is none too many.
■ Kid gloves run about four pair a month.
V. Dresses, well, heaven and the wearer
S only knows what they cost, to rnv noth
ia Ing of the numerous unmentionables not
it visible to the outward gaze but never!he
W le«* there, and probably co*tly, provided
;;J|| ’ could judge the inside from the out.
®£And so a young man with an income of
per year couldn't think of marry
~7 Wne a lady brought up in thia way, and
wouldn't think of marrying him.
||||j|vaa it be no** ble tint there are 50.
HK' bachelor* m New York city —bach
re of marriageable age who expect i.»
jgglMmain «o through life. It isUnduubt
«»d > Q »P‘t« of ’be
080. our streets are fairly crowded
every Saturday afternoon
Broadway ami Fifth aven-.e.
throng* of the most styluh, g od
HWW* kin h'. genera iy admitted, he *rt
||||Mkake:s tn the land. What is the ms:
r with the bore? Why is it that there
MU apartment building after apartment
Sboilaiag fined up exc uetvely for im n.
Qi. d uo ladies admitted, while ali pr®u
•%W rat flat buiAiag- iu the cay av« their
:-t* of rooaas kaown as ‘-t>aehelor
■||| srtmanta,” and well filed with jolly
single gentlemen of marriageable age
who haven’t any idea of marrying in thia
life—men who enjoy life for all there is
in it—generally men who have made
their pile, and have enough to marry on
if they so desired—men who belong to
the Union League and other clubs, and
men who have become wedded to a life
of celibacy through what?
“Sam. why is it that you have never
married?’’
Sam Thaxman, a jolly bachelor of
some forty well spent winters, a member
of the Lotus club, and who is abun
dantly able now to marry, having grown
grey in the service of the ladies of his
acquaintance, had stopped in front of
me on the corner of Twenty-third street
and Broadway, in front of the Fifth
Avenue hotel, the general loafing place
of the swell dandies who wish to ogle
the ladies as they pass, for here Broad
way crosses Fifth avenue, and if a man
will only linger there long enough he
will meet all the friends he has in the
city, since all who are able to walk pass
this spot at least once a week.
“That’|a funny question and demands
a serious answer. I never found a girl
whose nose just suited me.”
“Pshaw. What is the reason, seriously
speaking?”
“Well, seriously speaking, the same
thing that keeps the boys generally from
marrying—a wholesome fear of the here
after.”
“Explain yourself.”
“Stand here with me a minute, watch
the ladies that pass by, and listen to
what I have to say to some of them
whom I know. You know lam a priv
ileged character, and they won’t take of
fense if I ask questions. You see that
lady coming across the avenue, I mean
that elderly maiden lady, with the enor
mous hat and military looking suit. She
belongs to the past tense, as the boys say,
and will never see the sunny side of
forty again. She’s as prim as they make
’em, and as proud as Lucifer before he
fell like the snowflake. Here she is, and
I’m going to astonish her.
“Bung Jure, Madam Juvee. May I ask
you a question on an important matter
for the benefit of my friend?”
“Bon Jour, Meestair Thaxman. Cer
tainlee, certainlee.”
“Madam Juvee, what would you re
quire in a husband?”
“mon dieu! meestaire thaxman.”
“Mon Dieu, Mistaire Thaxman. Tell
youwh frien’ z&t I wouldna’ marree <te
bes’ man zat leeves in ze word.”
And with a sarcastic glance at me she
passed by like an insulted tornado.
“Whew, good heavens, she thought
you wanted io marry her and refused.
Ha, ha, ha, ha,” and he laughed until I
could have forsworn his friendship for
ever.
“Well, the next one you tackle, just
leave me out, if you please, and perhaps
you will get more information and have
less sport at my expense.”
“I’ll do it, and here comes the very
lady we want to see. She’s as winning
and pretty as can be found in Gotham,
spent last summer in the Adi rond acks,
and will break your heart in three eve
nings, if she wants to. What she will
have to say about wedded bliss will be
entertaining.”
“Why, Mr. Thaxman, how do you do?
I haven't seen you for an age. I thought
you promised to come up in the moun
tains before we left?”
“So I did, Miss Catlin, but the fact is
that I am no longer a free man, and
haven't been since spring. I’m en
gaged.”
“Engaged, Mr. Thaxman I Why
didn’t you give me a chance? Who is
it? I’m dying to know who’s going to
get married. Havn’t had an invitation
to a wedding this summer.”
“WHO 18 IT? I’m dying to know.”
“Why don't you get up one on your
own account, Miss Catlin? Can’t you
find the right one?”
‘•Oh, my, yes. I found a dozen of the
right ones this summer, but I couldn't
marry all of them you know, and so
here I am, still in the market, .and
autumn is here, toe. Well, I suppose
I'll have to wait tin vour fiancee quar
rels with you and then fall back on
you after all,” with a roguish twinkle in
her eyas.
“What kind of a man do you want.
Miss Catlin, anyhow, and what do yon
expect to marry him for, if I may
“For love, Mr. Thaxman, pure, on
adulterated love, and I want a man that
I can really love, and waste my affection
on. A teal, live man, too. None of your
Jim dandies that loaf about street eor
eere, corry river headed canes, and look
like golden calve* or brazen image*.”
“So you really would marry for love
alone?”
“Yes. Every time.”
“But, suppose the gentleman was
poor.”
“My dear Mr. Thaxman, I’m certainly
going to marry for love if I ever marry
at all, but, —-well—to be candid with
you I don’t think I could love a poor
man. Come up to-morrow overling and
tell me all about your engagement,
;won't you; and now farewell till I see
i you again,” and with the sweetest of
: smiles she tripped gaily away up the
! avenue.
“She’s right. She’s no business to
I marry a poor man. She’d break her
I heart in a year it she couldn’t have what
: she wanted, and that’s the trouble with
j the most of them,” said Sam. “Her
father is a broker who once had consid
erable money, but I guess the most of it
is spent, or soon will be, for he’s a risky
speculator, and has made some bad
breaks in the market lately. However,
here comes a young lady of a different
stamp. I’ll explain before she arrives
that this girl is an organist, or rather
has been an organist, and is now a music
teacher. If she got away for two weeks
this summer, and took it out at Ashbury
Park, it is probably all the vacation she
had. Just for curiosity I myself would
like to know what her ideas of matri
mony are.”
“Good morning, Miss Linton. I
haven’t seen you all summer. Where
have you been putting in the time, may
I inquire?”
“Mr. Thaxman, good morning. Real
glad to see you. As to putting in time
this summer, why I’ve had an elegant
time at Saratoga, Newport, and in
August we went to Cape May—but—my
name isn’t Miss Linton. I’ve changed
it, you see.”
“Married, Miss Linton, or Mrs.—
“Yes, Mr. Thaxman, married, and Mr.
and Mrs. Devlin will be pleased to see
you at the Windsor Hotel any time you
may wish to call. You see, George,
that’s'Mr. D., is building a new house
on the Avenue, and it is so very elegant
that it will take several months to com
plete it. We’re going to furnish it from
Paris direct, and quite up to the latest
designs.”
“Allow me to congratulate you, Mrs.
Devlin, on your marriage; but it surely
cannot be George Devlin, the retired
merchant, that is your husband.”
“It just is, though, and we would like
to see you very much. Call when you
can, Mr. Thaxman, and good-bye,” and
the visitor vanished up Broadway.
“Well, well, well. So poor old Dev
lin, who retired so long ago that the
street has forgotten him completely, has
married this young lady of twenty-five
or six. Why, he must be at least seven
ty-five or eighty, and I haven’t heard of
him before in’five years. Got lots of
money, though. Do you wonder that I
am single after this, and don’t marry?
I’ve seen thia thing of money, position,
blood, ancestry, and "pure, unadulter
ated love” for twenty years, and it is get
ting worse every year. I tell you the
reason I never married and never will
marry can be summed up in a few words:
I never found a girl with a nose just to
suit me. Good morning,” and be passed
away, striking the ground viciously with
his rattan cane as ho walked.
Pondering deeply on what had passed,
I walked slowly home and met Kitty
Wayland just entering the door. Kitty
is a niece of the lady of the house, and a
great favorite with the boarders. She
was just returning from a trip to the
country. Fresh air would give her fresh
ideas, perhaps, and beside she wasn’t
over sixteen.
“Kitty, what is your idea of married
life? Give a serious answer, for I’m puz
zled.”
A
KITTX WAYLAND.
“Good gracions, you aren’t going to
propose I hope.”
“No, Kitty, no to-day. But what do
you know about proposal sanyway?”
“Well, I just know this much, that
the man who proposes to me and ex
pect* to get me will have to have a
pretty solid bank account, for I’m going
to live in one of the handsomest flats in
thi* city when I marry, and keep up
with the best of them.”
“Wouldn’t you marry a poor man if
you loved him, Kitty, and be satisfied
with a small apartment over in Jersey
City?”
“I wouldn’t marry the best man
living if he hadn’t money. You don’t
think I’m going to marry and be a mad
of all work, do you, just to please some
man.”
“Kitty, are those your irrevocable sen
timent* I”
“They certainly are, so if you’ve got
any poor young man picked out for me,
bring him around and I’ll give him the
grand bounce to-night before it goes any
farther. I believe in nipping these
thing* in the bud. Ta, ta. and don’t
forget to bring him around soon, ” and
she skipped upstairs.
The problem of mating the bachelor*
and the maidens still remains unsolved.
Spirto Gentijl.
Paris has a journal devoted exclusive
ly to the interests of beggar*. It* ob
ject is to let the subscribers know where
good business is likely to be done, and
mainly consists ot announcements stat
ng where and when benevolent crowds
will congregate. The following item*
have been clipped: “The funeral of
M will take place on Tuesday; has
many rich friends ” “Marriage of
and on Monday next; cannot even
afford to marry; both families in humble
circumstance*. ”
' TIMELYTOPICS.
Vegetarianism is spreading very rapid
ly in London. Ten years ago it was
difficult to find an avowed vegetarian,
but now more than 2,000 persons refresh
themselves daily at vegetarian restaur
ants.
Another fiction exploded. The Chinese
do not eat dogs, cats and rats as regular
diet, but only in rare instances. They
live mainly on garden vegetables, rice,
poultry and fish, and are tond of shark’s
fins and edible birds’ nests.
Captain Renard’s military balloon has
been successfully operated in Paris lately
on calm days. When there is little wind
blowing, it can be moved about in any
direction at the will of the pilot, but
become unmanageable in a heavy breeze.
Still it is a great achievment to succeed
as far as the inventor has done, and it
will surely not be a long time before an
air-ship will be constructed capable of
defying the storm.
It is only a score of years since the
canning of salmon was begun on the
Pacific coast. Everybody was afraid of
it, and the proprietor of the first cannery,
William Hume, of Oakland, Cal., used
to take a basket of cans on his arm and
go among the families of his acquaint
ances explaining the method of its pre
paration, and inviting a trial. Now
canned salmon can be found in every
i market, and Mr. Hume is a rich man.
From Greenland comes the story that
little hamlets occupied by the descend
ants of the Norsemen who emigrated
thither hundreds of years ago are in ex
istence, and that they contain a happy
and contented population, uninfluenced
by the events passing in the outside
world, and unruffled by politics or base
ball. Centuries ago the coast of Green
land was the Danish fishing ground, and
the country, which then boasted a less
rigorous climate than that with which it
is credited now, was not deemed unfit
for settlement. It is something to know
i that other than Esquimaux humanity is
I vegetating there.
Pittsburg scientists are beginning to
discuss ths possibility of solidifying nat
ural gas into bricks for convenient trans
£ortation,in view of the recent discover
!s that most if not all gases can be
liquefied. While they are about it, says
the St Louis Republican , it would be well
for the scientists to find away of solidi
fying artificial coal gas as well as natural,
as the former is the gas which most of
the world’s gas consumers are compelled
to use. ißricks of solidified gas of a
known volume and weight would be sure
of a market, as they would put an end
to the uncertainty of gas meters and the
perilous indefiniteness of quarterly gas
bills.
The New York Medical Journal tells of
several varieties of fish, three Asiatic and
one Japanese, which ar* very poisonous.
It says: “It seems that the roes of these
fishes retain their poisonous qualities for
a long period: in one of Dr. Enoch’s ex
periments, a portion of roe that had been
preserved in alcohol for six months was
given to a mouse to eat, with the effect
of killing the mouse within half ap hour.
The symptoms ,«f the poisoning consist
of purging, syncope, tenes
mus, cramps and dilations of the pupil,
followed by collapse and death. Appar
ently there is no guarantee that the roes
of these poisonous fishes may not find
their way to consumers of caviar in the
ordinary course of trade.”
Senator Stanford, of California, knows
how to spend money, as well as how to
make it. His gift of twenty million dol
lars to found a great university in that
State, to be located in Menlo Park,
proves this very conclusively. The sum
named is by far the most munificient en
dowment ever given by one man to found
an institution of learning, and it is prob
ably more than was ever given by a com
bination of men for one educational ob
ject. The plans for the proposed uni
versity arc not yet matured, but it is
known that the building will include an
agricultural department, mechanical in
stitute, museum, art galleries, and struc
tures devoted to instruction in the prin
ciples of government, also in law, paint
ing, medicine and music. A town site
will also be established where families
may live cheaply, in connection with
which preparatory schools will be
erected. Both sexes will be eligible.
Superior courses will be free, and those
leading up to them at a moderate tui
tion fee.
The London City Preu publishes some
interesting facts and figures of London.
In the metropolis there are 101 hospitals,
in which one and a quarter millions of
people are relieved, and which dispense
outdoor relief to four Millions annually.
Twenty-five per 1,000 of the population
are paupera, and are relieved at a cost of
over two and a half million* sterling. It
also seams that there are many more
lunatic women than men. Cabs have
increased during the last ten years from
10,000 to over 19,000; 14,478 children
were lost in London laat year. Greater
London contains an area of 448,834 acre*.
The population is given as 5,199,160, of
whom 60,252 are foreigners, 49,554
Scotch, 80,778 Irish, 3,216 blind and
1,972 deaf and dumb. In 1884 there
were 11,705 licensed public and beer
houses, and 15,519 males and 9,618 fe
males were charged with drunkenness.
In the same year there were 265 persons
killed and 3,592 maimed by street acci
dents, and 354 suicides. Thera ware
20,667 articles lost in public conveyances,
of which 11,248 were restored. There
are 407 newspapers published in London.
The tide of progress has reached the
Signal Service Bureau at Washington,
and the perfection of a new system of
weather signals is announced. The sys
tem has been designed for the benefit of
farmers and residents ot districts where
daily newspapers do not exist, and give*
the weather indications for each succeed
ing twenty-four hours. Towns number
ing from 3,000 to 15,000 inhabitant*
have been, as a rule, selected in which
to establish station* for the display of
the signal*, which consist of seven white
flags, six feet square, with the following
figures: No. 1, large red ball, indicating
wanner weather; No. 2, red crescent,
colder weather; No. 3, red star, stat on
ary temperature; No. 4, large blue ball,
general rain or snow; No. 5, blue cres
cent, clear or fair weather; No. 6, blue
star, local rain or snow. When it is ex
pected that the temperature will fall
suddenly from fifteen to thirty degrees,
the cold-wave flag, a white field with a
black square centre; is raised. These
flags cost from $17.50 to $25 per set,
and are bought by the town or commu
nity for whose benefit they are used,
there being no fund for their purchase at
the disposal of the signal office. There
are at present about thirty towns dis
playing the flags, and the same signals,
painted on tin or wooden flags, are dis
played on the cars of a number of rail
roads through the South and West.
POPULAR SCIENCE.
The presence of zinc in plants has been
repeatedly observed, not only in such as
grow near deposits of zinc ore, but also,
though in minute quantities, in plants
which grew on soil in which not a trace
of zinc could be detected.
The temperature of the Gulf stream
has been found by Captain* Pillsbury to
range from forty-two degrees to eighty
one degrees. The greatest velocity at
the surface is four and one-half knots,
but the fluctuations are frequent and
great.
Railway men are beginning to condemn
the locomotive headlight, which, by the
way, is not in use in Europe. They say
it is of little or no utility, and its power
ful illumination tends to render indis
tinct the colors of signal lights on the
track ahead.
A writer in the Contemporary Review
says that, although there are sometimes
over 500,000 ants in a single nest, they
ali know one another, A stranger of
another species placed among them is at
on :e driven out, while ants when separ
ated from their friends for over a year
still recognize each other.
A Russian experimenter has found
that thorough dryness maintained foi
twenty-four hours will destroy the para
site producing dry rot in wood. A con-*
centrated solution of common salt is very
efficacious, and still better is a strong
solution of blue vitriol; but he considers
the best, cheapest and most convenient
material to be the tar obtained when
birch wood is distilled for acetic acid.
Sir Henry Thompson and English phy
sicians who understand the thing say
that all enteric fevers, such as typhus,
cholera and the Oriental plague itself,
are due to positive pollution in the air
and water. Historiographers of disease
tell us that the cholera comes from the
mouth of the Ganges, the yellow fever
from the mouth of the Mississippi, and
the plague from the mouth of the Nile.
Now the Mediterranean is an obvious
focus and hotbed of enteric poison, and
has been so ever since the days of the
Athenian plague, which. Thucydides
chronicled. Its tideless waters accumU'
late unspeakable fifth and garbage. The
present cholera commenced and found
its chief seat in Marseilles, which is, per
haps, the most pestilential port in the
world.
In some recent scientific experiment*
on the effects of cold, two frogs were
frozen solid in a temperature of
about twenty degrees Fahrenheit,
and kept in that condition for
half an hour. On thawing slowly
they recovered perfectly, but it was
found that longer periods of exposure
invariably killed the animals. The ex
periment was tried of freezing hermeti
cally sealed nieat, so as to kill its bac
terial organisms, and thus render it in
capable of putrifying. It was found,
however, that so low a temperature as
eighty degrees below zero would not
destroy the vitality of micro-organisms.
It was thus made clear that the attempts
to preserve meat for a long time by a
momentary freezing of it must be aban
doned.
Tree Driven Downward by a Cyclonei.
One of the strangest of cyclone freaks
is recorded by a correspondent of the
Pittsburg Dirpatch. The scene of it is
at Washington Court House, Ohio, and
concerns an “apple-tree with long,
spreading, heavy branches, perhaps ex
tending to a height of twenty-five feet.
It is a tree of perhaps twenty-five year's
growth, and undoubtedly has roots as
stout and almost as widespreading as
its boughs. Its trunk is not less than
fifteen inches in diameter; it was e thrif
ty, vigorous tree without an unsound
branch, and the family have tor years
driven their high top buggy beneath it*
branches, for it shades the driveway
into the yard. A short and stubby man
cannot now walk under it without
ducking hi* head. Does the reader
imagine that it was uprooted? That
might, indeed, seem possible, but it is
not true. Without breaking so much a*
a twig of its foliage, the atmosphere
drove that tree right down two and a
half or three feet into the ground. The
hole enlarged about the base of the
tree a* it now stands show* how much
larger is the base that has been forced
beneath th* surface.”
The Paper on the Walt
The wall* of oar houses should be
thick enough for warmth, and not so
porous u to readily absorb and give out
moisture. Here may be found the secret
of certain unwholesome dwelling*. De
fects of outer walls, we remedy, partly,
by lathing and plastering. In papering
we should not forget that arsenical, green
coloring matter may prove injurious.
I know an old Virginia homearead,
elegant in its day, in one of the guest
chamber* of which, blue boquets held
stated positions on a buff ground. A
fever-patient lay there some weeks.
After her recovery she said: “I did
not mind the sickness and medicines so
much a* the half-handkerchief .shapes 1
had to make out of those flowers. It
was three, two, one—here was the tri
angle. I would try another way, and
then it was one. two, three—and the
inevitable triangle. It occupied my da>. s
and a considerable portion of my nights.
A simple pattern and a pret:y neutral
color are agreeable to the eyes of these
sensitive ones.— Dia Lewie.
Both Fade Like Dreams.
A« eteti'ugß tra ed upon the «and
Besfake the sea by human hand.
Will, when within the will waves’ rea< h
Fade eut of sight into th» Gm h
So. our umbrella from the stand
Will, when *tfc» drawn by exper hand,
Fade quite nwav. nor com again
To sldei.l us from the scmUi g r n
—1 o - k Jv. rwl
HEARD SHE.
PART I.
Oh, if I dared to ask to-night
A kiss—would sha refuse in fright?
Her eyes a saucy inside show,
With mischief coy they sparkle so.
Can she my longing read aright!
In fleecy folds of snowy white,
Her jealous hood, for very spite,
Half hides her rosy cheeks aglow,
Oh, if I dared!
I gaze entranced with shy delight,
And then at last—a craven knight
Who quails for fear of woman’s not
Unsatisfied I turn to go,
With formal parting cool and trite;
Oh, if I dared!
part n.
That stupid thing! an hour has rolled
Away since he, despite the cold,
Has lingered, paying o’er and o’er
The compliments I’ve heard before;
A saint would feel inclined to scold!
I spy a wish he deems untold,
What fun, my mirth is scarce controlled!
He’s poorly versed in Cupid’s lore,
The stupid thing!
Os course I sternly should withhold,
The boon, but yet, we’re friends of old,
If he with ardor should implore,
"Good-night,” he’s gone! I close the door.
Why can’t he be a trifle bold}
The stupid thing!
—Florence S. Brown, in the Rambler.
PUNGENTPARAGRAPfIS.
“Belles” call many people to church.
Chicago Ledger.
Selfish men are decorous. They never
forget themselves.— Picayune.
It is the man who can’t raise the wind
who does the most blowing.— Merchant-
Traveler.
No man who eats onions can keep the
habit a secret. It will leek out some
way.— Lynn Union.
Schoolma’am—What is the poetical
name of ancient Greece? Pupil—Oleo
margarine.—Boston. Courier.
“What is ease?” asks a philosopher.
Ease is a thousand-dollar salary and a
hundred-dollar job.— St. Louis Critic.
A novel has just been announced with
the title “In Haying Time.” We sup
pose it must have a grass plot.— Puck.
In England they are still in fear of
the dynamiters, and a man dare not blow
up his wife without exciting suspicion.
Call.
Chicago pie bakers live only fifteen
years. Do their customers murder
them, or do they eat their own pies.—
Courier Journal.
There are 8,000,000 piano players in
this country. We have much to be
thankful for; it might be 10,900,000, or
even more.— Danville Breeze.
Mr. Oldbeau (to young rival, before
young lady to whom they are both atten
tive) —“Why, bless me, Charley, how
you’ve grown I”— Harper's Bazar.
A Sioux chief is learning how to ride
the bicycle, and the final extermination
of the aboriginal race is now only a
question of time.— Citizen.
A famous tencr has injured his voice
by having a toothpick lodge in his
throat. He probably swallowed the
toothpick to give his voice more timbre.
It must be expensive living
For the angels up in the sky,
For we all know, both saint and sinner,
That a rent in a cloud is high.
—Boston Budget.
“I can always tell,” says Jenkins,
“when a little boy has marriageable
sister* by the attention which he receive*
from the young men.”— Stockton Maver
ick.
“Do you think Johnny is contracting
bad habits at school?” asked Mrs. Cau
tion of her husband. “No, dear, I don’t
I think he is expanding them,” was the
the reply.— Pittsburg Telegraph.
The next polar expedition is to be
composed exclusively of New York po
licemen. They have reached more polls
with their clubs than anybody in thia
country, and even say it is warm work.
—Lowell Citizen.
“What are the things that touch us
most when we look back through the
years?” asked a female lecturer impres
sively. There was a somewhat awful
pause, and then a small boy in the audi
ence answered, “Ourclothes.”—Burling
ton Free Press.
“What do those letters stand for?”
asked a curious wife of her husband, as
she looked at his Masonic seal. “Well,
really, my love,” he replied encourag
ingly, “I presume it is because they can’t
sit down.” She postponed further ques
tioning — Merchant- Traveler.
“I was a drummer,” said the young
man, “all through the war.” “Is that
so?” replied the old man. “I didn’t
think you had seen so much service.
What part of the country where you in?”
“In New York mostly.” “New York?”
“Yes; I represented a Boston hardware
firm.”— Puck.
In archery, a bow pulling thirty pound*
is considered the correct thing for'iadies.
But we have known young ladies, ol
very delicate constitution and physique,
to pull beaux weighing 250 pounds from
one division of the city to its antipodes,
and that seven nights in a week.— Chi
cago Telegram,
A “young girl of sixteen years” writes
that she suffers dreadfully from insom
nia, and want* to know “what she shall
do for it.” Go to sleep, daughter, go to
sleep. We never yet saw a caae of
insomnia that couldn’t be cured by reg
ular, healthful sleep. That’s the bos*
medicine for insomnia.— Burdette.
“Scrod.”
How many can give the correct defini
tion of the common New England word
“scrod?” It is variously spelled “scrod,”
“scrode,”, •‘escrod” and “schrode,”
and *ucb of the lexicographers as tackle
it at *ll define it as “cod or ha Idock
prepared for broiling.” But that ia not
the Yankee definition. “Scrod” is the
generic name for a cut of any fresh fish
in the market, and it doesn’t matter how
it is cooked—stewed, panned, roasted,
scolloped or on the half shelL The
waiter just says: “Scrod or beefsteak?”
and you instinctively answer: “Beef
steak,” until you find out what “ecrod”
mean*— Philaddyh.a Bulletin.
The death rate in Dakota is only five
in the 1.000.
5