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The Calhoun Times.
Volume I.
I Uj; CALHOUN I OILS.
rY mi IWDAT MORNING, 11Y
UASKiy & MARSHALL.
Terms of Subscription*
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for each square of ten lines or less, for the
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insertion, fifty cents. Ten lines of solid
lirevier, or its” equivalent in space, make a
cash, before or on demaud after
the first insertion.
advertisements under the head of .Special
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l column
lion. - 11
All communications on matters of public
interest will meet with prompt attention, and
concise letters on general subjects are re
spectfully solicited from all parts of the
country.
ILRO AHB.
Western A Atlantic.
night passkxgku'tiui.y—outward.
I, five Atlanta «45 P. M.
Arrive at, Calhoun 11.21 A. M.
Arrive at Chattanooga 2.45 a. it
HAY rABSKMIE.It THAIN —OUTWARD.
J, Atlanta 8 15 a. m
Arrive at Calhoun 1.9 p. m.
Arrive at Chattanooga 5.30 P. it.
ACCOMOI) TION TKAIN—OUTWARD.
leave Atlanta 530 p. M.
Arrive at Dalton 8.30 P. m.
night passenger train —inward.
I ;iv« Clifti tanooga 7 50 p. m.
jt’Tive at Oftlhonn 11.21 p. m.
Aniveat Atlanta 4.00 A. M.
DAY PASSENGER TRAIN —INWARD.
>iv> Ch ittanoo-a 5.30 A. m.
Drive at Calhoun 944 a. m
Drive at Atlanta -3.00 P. M.
accomodation train- inward.
rive Pa'ton 2 00 p. M.
tiro'e at Atlan'a 11.00 A. m.
PROFESSIONAL CARDS.
W. S. JOHNSON,
\ttoriio.v .A.t JLisa/W,
CAL 110 GY, GEORGIA.
1 >.li • ■ Southeast corner of the
■tint JL’iise.
I 1 ts
I IN. .ms. .m'conneu,.
i§ un a sit McConnell,
Vttoiiie.v« sxt Law,
CAUIOI'X GEORGIA.
I ,■ odijc in the Court House.
big 11 1 ts
w. j. canthellT
Vi(<n*iu\v V 1 Law.
(’.VbIIOUN, Georgia.
IfH.l. I’licticc in the Cherokee Circuit,
’ in I’. S. District Court, Northern IMs
■ i of D 'orgia, (at Atlanta); and in the Su
■’’mo t'ouvt of the State of Georgia.
■ Ptoo re, W. R. Rankiv,
f VaiwtU 0* Calhoun, Oa
I PHILLIPS & RANKIN,
ATTOItXEYS AT LAW,
—AND—
jCOIUCtINO A£r£l'lTS,
B CaVtoun, Ga.
■ ' "'L practice in tlio Courts of the
Circuit.
■ eTj. kiker,
X.*g\TKr,
CAUIOCX, GEORGIA.
0 C[/l Stand of Cantrell Kiker.]
potetkee in all the Courts of the
1 lerokee Circuit: Supreme Court of
, 1:m 1 'hr l nited States District Court
PI auglOTOly
j^. m ASCctsrtlxx.,,
A TTORXEY AT LA IT,
■hloneqa, geo.
1870 ts
fun reeves;
■ s <!i\yc'jn <£• Physician,
P4LUOT T v
IN i - - - GEOROIA,
‘G found at his office, in the Brick
■ W htKiz, Barrett A: Cos., day
H W-i'liva not professionally engaged
■ 'U'Jh’Titf °
■'JFE WALDO THORNTON.
niINTIST.
I* 1 ”. - A.
C vi i !. for'ormcr patronage, solicits
■ “continuance of the same.
Residence. sepls
fR. D. C. HUNT,
■'M'daii and Druggist,
K GA.
J - i>. Tinsley;
" ATCH-MAKER
L'^^VELEH.,
■ - V ' • : GEORGIA.
Hj' s ■ ■ o
n ,.im ‘A ( locks. Watches and Jewelry
; u ',p warranted.
I IX 1855.)
lO.MATHEWSQN,
l*' l mission merchant
I 'I'OCSTA, GEORGIA.
! 1870 1 y
ROME ADVERTISEMENTS.
“Homo Asnin.”
J. C. RAWLINS, Prop’r.
CHOICE HOTEL*
BROAD ST., ROME, OA.
Passengers taken to and from the Depot Free
of Charge. oct67otf
TENNESSEE HOUSE",
ROME, GEORGIA,
J. A. STANSBURY, Proprietor.
rilHli above Hote* is located within Twenty
I Steps of tha Railroad Piattorua. Baggage
handled freeot Charge. o :tC7otf
~.r - " . -11. ' T '
ALBERt G. PITOER. HENRY H. SMITH.
PITNER & SMITH,
Wholesale and Retail
Grocers & Commission Merchants
AND DEALERS IN
PURE KENTUCKY WHISKIES,&c.
No. 25, Corner Broad & Howard sts.,
ROME, - - GEORGIA.
0ct6,1870-ly
Bones, Tco.\ *
Augusta, Ga. Rome, Ga.
Established 1825. Established 18G9.
J. &S. BONES & CO.
H/OME, GA.
IMPORTERS
Wholesale Dealers
HARDWARE,
CUTLERY, QUfIS, &C.
WILL offer for sale, the coming season :
bo r* Tons Swedes Iron,
75 Tons “Jenks” Plow Steel,
A LARGE LOT OF
Imported Cutlery and Piles,
Together with a full assortment of GEN
II UAL HARDWARE.
WE are Agents for R. HOB & CO'S. Pat
ent Inserted Tooth Circular Saws; Machine
Belting, Orange Rifle Powder, and Rome
Iron Manufacturing Co’s. Merchant Bar Iron
and Nails.
All of above to compete with any House
South. marl7’7l 3m
SWimmsrs so tii
(Central Position of the City.)
Nos. 95 and 97 Broad Street, Rome. Ga.
FIRST CLASS FARE
OPEN AT ALL HOURS!
(!-!?■ Free Omnibus to &.
Fine Bar and Billiard Saloon attached.
Give me a call. J. 11. Coleman, Prop’r.
april 6-1 y.
NEW LIYERY STABLE.
1 lodges & ]\ lay.
31 A 1 VS OL I) STA Y!),
LUXE Stock and good Vehicles al-
E ways on hand. Rest attention paid
to customers’ animals. Satisfaction guar
anteed. Give us a call at the old Brick
Stable. Broad Street, Rome, Ga.
apr.6-3m.
M. Menko, Bro, & Cos. — Dealers in
STABLE FANCY DRY GOODS, Clothing,
Boots and Shoes, Hats, Caps, Trunks, &c.
Liberal inducements offered to counti-y mer
chants. 28 Whitehall st., 2 doors from Ala
bama street, (next to .lack s Confectionery,)
Atlanta, Ga. sept2o’7o-6m
"#8*3,000
In Cash Gifts to be Distibutcd by
(be New,York Cash Prize Cos.
Every Ticket Draws a Prize!
5 cash gifts, each, $40,000
10 “ “ “ 20,000
20 « “ “ 5.000
50 “ “ “ i.ooo
200 •« “ “ 500
350 “ « “ 100
50 Elegant Rosewood Pianos, S3OO to S7OO
<‘s “ “ Melodeous, 75 to 100
350 Sewing Machines, 60 to 175
500 Gold watches, 75 to 300
Cash prizes, siver ware. &c. val’d at 1000.000
A chance to draw any of the above prizes
for 25c. Tickets describing Prizes are sealed
in Envelopes and well mixed. On receipt of
25c. a Sealed Ticket is drawn without choice
acd sent by mail to any address. The prize
named upon it will be delivered upon pay
ment of One Dollar. Prizes are immediately
sent to any address by express or return mail
You will know what your prize is before
you pay for it. Any prize exehenged for an
other of the same value. No blanks. Our pat
rons can depend on fair dealing.
References:— The following lately drew
Valuable prizes and kindly permit us to pub
lish them: Andrew J. Burns, Chicago. $lO,-
000; Miss Ola 1 a Walker, Baltimore, Piano,
$800; .Tas. M. Mathews, Detroit, $5,000;
JohnT. Anderson, Savannah, $5,050; James
Simmons, Boston, SIO,OOO.
Press Opinions: —‘The firm is reliable.’—
Weekly Tribune , Dee. 28. ‘Deserve their suc
cess.'—X 1~ Herald. Jan. 1. ‘Just and hon
orable.’—Xeics, Dec. 9.
Send for circular. Liberal inducements
to agents. Satisfaction guaranteed. Every
package of 200 sealed Envelopes contains
one cash gift. Seven tickets for $1; 17 for
v- ;50 for $5; 200 for sls. Address,
IIENRY C. LEE & CO.. Managers,
78 & 80 Broadway. N. Y.
HETTEKTON’ FOEi) & Cos",
WHOLESALE HEAI-EHS IN’
BRAHES, WHISKIES,
Wines, Tobaccos, Cigars, &e.,
No. 209. MARKET ST., No. 209.
CHATTANOOG A. TENN.
0ct18.1870-1 y
CALHOUN, GA„ THURSDAY. MAY 18. 1871.
TIN-WARE
Aim
Cooking Stoves !
W.T.KALL&BRO.,
ITTCHILD inform the public that they are
Si prepared to fill all orders in the
Tin-Ware Line,
At as LOW PRICES as any similar estab
lishment in Cherokee Georgia.
Our work is put up by experienced work
men, and will compare favorably with any
in the country.
O
In these days of Freedom, every good
husband should see that the “goot wife”
is supplied with a good
Oooil2L:i3Ajߣ Stovo,
And We are prepared to furnish any size
or style desired at the Lowest Possible
Prices.
Give us a cal!. aull,tf
A. W.
DEALER IX
DRY-HOODS,
NOTIONS,
Boots, Shoes, Hats, Groceries,
Hardware, Queensware, &c.,
MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS,
FACTORY YARNS, SHIRTINGS,
AND
READY-MADE CLOTHING,
FAMILY GROCERIES,
LIQUORS, cfco.
Railroad Street, - - CALHOUN, OA.
Has just received and constantly receiv
ing, a fresh supply of
BACON, LARD, FLOUR, MEAL,
SUGAR, COFFEE, RICE,
CIGARS, TOBACCO,
CONFECTIONERIES,
Canned Fruits, Nuts, Oysters,
SARDINES, CHEESE, &c.
And, in fact, a full and complete assortment
of Staple and Fancy Groceries,
lie also keeps one of the best Stocks of
WINES & LIQUORS,
in this part of the- country.
If you want good, fresh Groceries, or Fine
Old Whiskies, Brandies, or M ines, give me
a call. febl6’7l6m
J. H. ARTHUR,
DEALER IM
STAPLE AND FAXCY DRE GOODS,
Cutlery, Notions &c,
Also keeps constantly on hand a choice
stock of
FAMILY GROCERIES,
In all of which purchasers are offered in
ducemeuts.to buy.
Auglll 6m
J. N. R. COBB. JXO. W. WALKER.
COBB 1 WALKER,
AGENTS FOR
mi & BAKER'S
CELEBRATED
SEWING
MACHINE.
Every Machine Warranted to
keep in good running order.
ALSO AGENTS FOR GEN. LEE
MEMORIAL ASSOCIATION.
G. M. HUNT, Calhoun, Georgia, is author
ized to transact all our business during our
absence. marl6-6m
CHEROKEE
MAIMING 111..
D ALT OX, GA.
Manufactures all Kinds of
FITIOa-ITim.E3,
Os the best material this country affords,
and very superior in style and workmanship,
which they offer to the public and the gen
eral trade, as low as can be afforded.
Chairs & Bedsteads a Speciality.
Blinds, Doors, Sash and Job Work, to or
der, on short notice.
Dr. D. G. Hunt is our Agent at Calhoun,
Ga., and keeps a good supply of Furniture
on band. J. W. WALKER, Sup't.
L. D. Palmer, Secretary. aug26’7o-ly
DISSOLUTION NOTICE.
11HE copartnership heretofore existing un
. der the firm name of Ballew & Marshall,
is this day dissolved by mutual consent—-J.
W. Marshall retiring. The books of the
firm are in the hands of A. W. Ballew, who
will close up all the business of the late firm.
A. W. Ballew
J. W. Marshall.
Read Further!
I propose to continue the business at the
old stand, and am determined at all times to
keep a full and first-class stock.
feb 16,1 m Af AY. BALLEW.
G. H. & A. W. FORCE,
SIGN OF TIIE
BIG IRON BOOT,
Whitehall Street, : : : Atlanta, Ga.
lIOOTS, Shoes and Trunks, a complete Stock
) and new Goods arriving daily! Gents’
Boots and Shoes, of the best makes. Ladies’
Shoes of ad kinds. Boys, Misses and Children’s
Shoes of every g'-trie and make.
l-fT" We are prepared to offer inducements to
Wholesale Trade. sepi‘2 ’,70-ly
ANY QUANTITY" of “Fine Virginia Leaf ”
and Manufactured Tobaccos at
DeJOURNETT & SON S,
Cor. Broad & Bridge sts., Home,
Take your home paper.
JL N W M -rd JL A «
Written for the Calhoun Times.
RESIGNATION.
I’ve watched for thy dear presence, lore,
Through dark and dreary
To come with joyful steps along *
The old familiar ways; *
Those days have lengthened weeks.
And still thou artmot here,/
The whole world is dark to me.
Though sunshine everywhere
I’ve yearned for thy dear warm
clasp, j*.-
Written
Anil for thy dear lips' smile.*
And O, for those dark radial/ ej-os,
My sad heart to
And vet in vain from casen^^high,
I gaze adown the street, ■
Still hoping with my breaking he&ft,
That dear, dear face to gret.
The hours still ’
But thou—whom I so lcngt^C.^
Thou comest not again. *■- rn ,0
Although thou knowest the days to me,
Are fraught with weary pain—
Although thou knowest I watch for thee,
Thou comest not again.
The summer flowers may bloom and fade,
The grass grow brown ar.d sear
What chai’ms can nature hold for me ?
Thou art no longer here.
Yes summer flowei’s may bloom and fade,
And autumn leaves may fall,
"Would God their searest ones could be
My lone graves dreai-y palh
It may be that anothei-’s smile
Has won thy heart from me;
If so, may God as kindly judge,
As I wish joy to thee—
No not one angiy thought shall brim
Life’s cup of bitter o’er,
For love like mine can know no change,
It lives forevei'moi’e.
MISCIiIIiLANY.
A Home.
If we were to tell a number of our
friends that they don’t know what a
“home” is, they would grow somewhat in
dignant—perhaps use hard words. And
yet it may be remarked that the number
of persons who know what a genuine
home is, by experience, is surpassingly
few. One man in good circumstances
will tell us that he has a fine house of
his own, in which every comfort and
convenience are provided. He has a
wife ard child tLere r-.Uo, aad U -K give
life to the place. Very true. But does
he prefer that home, thus furnished
and thus enlivened, to every other place
in the world ? Does he sigh when the
hour of leaving comes, and smile when
he is permitted to return ?” Does he
love to sit by the cheerful fire and fon
dle the children entering into all their
little disputes with curious interest ?
Does he take particular note of the bird
in the cage, and cat near the fire ? If
not, he has no home, in the dearest
sense of that dearest of words. If his
mind is altogether absorbed in the dusty
ways of business, if he hurries from
the house in the morning and is loth to
return at night—if, while he is at home
he continues to think of the journal
and ledger, and repulses the advances of
the prattling children he has no home;
he only has a place where he lodges
and takes his meals.
Ah ! happy is he who knows and ap
preciates the full bliss of home, whose
heart is warned and humanized by its
cheerful influences, and who feels how
superior in purity of pleasure are all its
enjoyments to the turmoil delights of
outdoor life. Thrice happy is such a
man. lie has discovered the only Par
adise this world can afford. It is only
such a man who can have a deep and
sincere pity for the unfortunate crea
tures who are homeless. He regards
them as being cut off' from the best in
fluence of the earth, and exposed to the
action of all the darker waves of life.
He feels keenly for him who has no fire
side—no dear one to welcome with
smiles, and prattle over the little his
tory of the day—no tongue to soothe
when heavy cares have troubled the mind
and the sympathy of such a man is not
slow to overflow in acts of benevolence.
A good home is the source of the foun
tain of charity in the heart.
Our advice to those who have no
homes such as we have described above,
is, to get them as soon as possible.—
They can never be contented and sub
stantial citizens, nor thoroughly happy
men, until they follow this counsel. —
Get homes ! Fill them with objects of
love and endearment, and seek there for
the pure delights which the world be
side cannot afford.
“It is a striking fact that the dying
never weep. The sobbing, the.heart
breaking agony of the circle of friends
around the death-bed call forth no re
sponsive tears from the dying. Is it
because lie is insensible, and stiff in the
chill of dissolution ? That cannot be,
for he asks for his father’s hand, as if
to gain strength in the mortal struggle,
and oil the breast of bis mother, sister
or brother, in still conscious affection.
Just before expiring, he calls the loved
ones, and with quivering lips says, ‘ Kiss
me,’ showing that the love which he has
ever born in bis heart is still fresh and
warm. It must be because the dying
have reached a point too deep for earthly
sorrows, too transcendent for weeping.
They are face to face with higher and
holier things, with the Father in Heaven
and llis angels There is no weeping
in that blessed abode to which ho is hast
ening.”
Death of the King of Pain.
A WonJer/nl Quack —fits Career —
Graph ic Sketch.
The story of the “King of Pain,”
otherwise a quack doctor, named Mc-
Bride, who was well known in various
portions of this State, some years ago,
is told at length by an Indianapolis eor
respondent of the New York Evening
Leader, lie was a tall, graceful young
reilow, with much hair arid an xxiimis
takable appearance of quackery in his
looks and actions ; but he made money
very fast. His “ King of pain,” as his
worthless stuff was labeled, was war
ranted to cure anything from toothache
to consumption. He went about with
it in an exaggerated wagon and with an
accompaniment of music, scattering-his
small bixls with much looseness find har
anguing the crowds thgJt, curiously fol
lowed him. Ynown, the corres
pondent tel I */ ! [ ISj from the coast of Maine
to tb'v 1 ’ a Uific. from the St. Lawrence to
Grande, lie got along excel
lently as long as he attended to his le
gitimate, or rather illegitimate business;
but finally be acquired a passion for
gambling. He Was lucky with his first
ventures, which were made in Indianap
olis, and this turned his head, so that at
times he would abandon his business
altogether, and remain at the faro table
day and night. We quote from the ac
count :
On one occasion he began a gambling
excursion in Chicago, then came on
here. In both places he was fortunate,
and followed up his luck in Louisville
and Cincinnati. His wagon and six fol
lowed him wherever he went, hut he
gave hardly any attention to that busi
ness. In the two cities we have men
tioned he still went on pursuing his
luck, which pursued him. When he
went on a Mississippi steamboat to pro
ceed to New Orleans he had some SHO,-
000 in his pocket, which he increased
sailing down the river. He arrived in
New Orleans, where ho again bucked
the tiger, but here his luck seemed to
desert him. He played his money and
gradually lost it. After his money was
gone to the last cent, he played his
watch and jewels, of which he had a
great number, and lost them. Then he
played his wagon and horses and lost
them. After that he borrowed as much
money as be could possibly get together
and played that, and again lost, until he
was “laid perfectly flat.” For some time
he wandered about the Crescent City,
living from hand to mouth. Then he
made a little stake, and, apprehensive of
losing that, took a berth in a steamship
to New York. There he opened some
place on Broadway, where he made an
other pile of money. He began patron
izing the green table again, and bis luck
turned to him. It there that one
day I saw him give a poor girl with
whom he became casually acquainted,
a roll of bills amounting to $3,700, upon
condition that she would leave the city
and turn to a virtuous course of life. I
Was present at the time, and remon
strated with him on his rather extrava
gant piece of generosity, lie answered,
“I won it in four nights, at faro, and if
I can do a worthy deed with the infer
nal money, why shouldn’t I? I'll make
up for it in deviltry before another week
passes.” And so he did. He was a
habitual lounger in houses of ill fame,
where he would spend hundreds of dol
lars in a night. Then he would go to
playing again, and perhaps some drink
ing the next day, and in all this turmoil
arid excitement found time for business.
At length business grew dull in New
York, and he determined to start once
more on his travels in his wagon and
six. In this way he again found his
way to this city, where he was suddenly
prostrated by his life of excitement.—
Only three days ago he took to his bed,
never to rise from it again. Reckless,
immortal, an empiric, a gambler, a roue,
but with a kind heart, he lingered on the
verge of death, and last night quietly
passed away. The cause of his death is
supposed to be some affection of the
lungs.
Financially, the career of this man
was an entire success; yet ho was one
of the most transparent rogues that ever
gulled a confiding public. He boasted
publicly that he was a humbug; but his
wagon was surrounded continually, often
by those who had heard the boast, and
after a little music and a speech they
would buy eagerly. The fact is not a
pleasant one; and we suppose this men
tion of it will be more of an advertise
ment than anything eise for the fellow
that takes the great charlatan’s place.
.. -« »
“Forget Him.”
A Republican paper in this city said
the best thing for General Lee would be
for the people to forget him.
The Radicals would like to forget
him; but will General Grant, will Gen
eral Hooker, will General Burnside, will
General McClellan forget him ? Can
the heights of Fredericksburg be sunk
into the chasm of an ear earthquake to
please Burnside? Will the Wilderness
ever be named now as a victorious field
of his, or the red field of Spotteylvania
grow laurels for Grant ? Will Cold
Harbor be aught less than the point
where the boasted line was shattered and
the commander of a nation, not an army,
forced by this Lee to follow in the plans
of the hated and abused McClellan.
Lee fought all these battles against
large odds, aud whipped these who, of
course, would now like to have his name
obliterated, and their disgrace go with
: him iu his grave.
Rut the worst thing for this country
i to do would be to forget Lee, aud that
I she had a son so great and good. He
will pass over the spasm of their niock
eries, and their attempts at forgetful
ness, and all the wrougs to him and to
us here, now to this Northern people
stabbed nearly to death by the same that
beat down the banners of the South,
and his memory will be quoted by ora
tors in behalf of oppressed nationalities,
and the youth of tho country be stimu
lated by the chaste heroism of the great
A irginian to attempt to save, as he died,
the ark of freedom from the hands of
the destroyer.
The spirit of public and private vir
tue, of morality in politics, and purity
iu religion, will nut willingly let die ■
name so illustrious and so re
proach.
Defeat may postpone, but out rtf the
tombs of great warriors wilt couie ar.\ iu
spiration, that will, in the end, save the
country from military despotism.—Pv:n
eroy's Democrat.
The Bible.
The Book of God is full of treasures.
Aim at possessing them. It is full of
warnings. Seriously attend to them.
It is full of holy examples, faithfully to
follow them. It describes what Christ
has done for us. Acquaint yourself
with him and he will give you peace.—
Be assured there is no hope for you t ut
in his precious death ; there is uo help
for you but in his converting power ;
nor can you attain the measure of real
holiness without the aid of Ins all sulti
cient grace.
Four grand arguments for the truth
of the Bible are—the miracles it records,
the prophecies, the goodness of the doc
trine, and the moral character of the
penmen. The bible must be the inven
tion either of good men or angels, bad
men, or devils, Or a revelation from God.
It could not be the invention of good
men or angels; for they neither would
nor could make a book, and tell lies all
the time they were writing it, saying,
“Thus saith the lord,” when it was their
own invention.
It could not be the invention of had
men or devils ; for they would not make
a book which commands all duty, forbids
all sin, and condemns their souls, to hell,
to till eternity.
It must have been given by Divine
inspirations, for its various parts, though
written in different and distinct ages
by men of «uch diversified character
and training are perfect harmony with
each other.
It reveals a religion that satisfies all
the wants of those who embrace it and
makes them victorious over the power
of death.
Why He Didn’t Go.
The Superintendent asked me to take
charge of a Sunday School class.
“You’ll find them rather a bad lot,”
said he. “ They all went fishing last
Sunday but little Johnny Rand. He
is really a good boy, and I hope his ex
ample may yet redeem the others. 1
wish you would talk to ’em a little.
I told him I would.
They were rather a hard looking set.
I don’t think I ever witnessed a more
elegant set of black eyes in my life.—
Little Johnny Rand, the good little boy,
was in his place, and I smiled on him
approvingly.
‘ As soon as the lessons were over I
said :
“ Boys, your Superintendent tells me
you went fishing last Sunday—all but
little Johnny here. You didn’t go, did
you, Johnny ?” I said.
“ No, sir.”
“ That was right. Though this boy
is the youngest among you,” I contin
ued; “you learn from his own lips
words of good counsel, which I hope
you will profit by.”
I lifted him up on the seat beside me,
and smoothed his auburn riuglets.
“Now, Johnny, i want you to tell
these wicked boys why you didn’t go
fishing with them last Sunday: Speak
up loud now. It was because it
was very wicked, and you had rather
go to Sunday school, wasn’t it?”
“No, sir; it was ’cos I couldn’t find
no worms for bait!”
As A specimen of the precocity of
certain classes of American youth who
know more than their “daddies,” we
have this of a little street vagabond who
was recently brought up before one of
the lower courts, to testify in an assault
and battery case:
“ Where do you live ?” said the Judge
“Live with my mother.”
“Where does your mother live?”
“She lives with father.”
“ Where does your father live?”
“ He lives with the old folks.”
“Where do they live?” said the
Judge getting very red, as an audible
snicker went round the room.
“They live at home.”
“ Where in the thunder is their
home ?” roared the Judge.
“ That’s where I’m from,” said the
boy. sticking his tongue in the corner of
his cheek and slowly closing one eye on
the Judge.
“ Here, Mr. Constable,” yelled the
court’ “ take the witness and tell him to
travel. He evidently does not know the
nature of an oath ”
“ You’d think differently,” said the
boy, going toward the door, “if 1 haJ,
given you a cussin: ”
——— ,
A jealous lover, in Missouri. ea.Fl
lenged bis rival, and was dumbfounded
by the latter accepting the challenge
and naming “pistols at ten paces.' —
“Give me thirty days for practice,” said
the challenger. “Not a day,” was the
response. ‘ Oh. then take your gal and
go to thunder with her,” indignantly
exclaimed the warlike youth, as he
started for home.
Number <4-0.
Various Items*
i
Under foot—The earth.
The bosom friend—Cotton.
The Russian Emperor gets drunk.
Relative beauty—a pretty cousin.
Powder is a nice tiling—in a horn.
Port Carbon h*»*r a forty-three-ycaf
old-hen. <«/.*■.,’ fi~7l ~ \
Flow •'-* that are always falling on—
buttons *
A woman down town took castor oil, to
keep it from spoiling.
To cure deafness—Tell a man you’ve
conic to pay him money.
Law is the buoy of the good fcitiiert
—the rock of the bad one.
One measure in which all civilized
nations agree—The churchyard.
When is an umbrella like a person
convalescent ? When it is recovered.
Ducks have decided opinions of their
own—they always come out flat-footed.
When a petulant individual observes
to you “You had better eat me up-,
hadn’t you ?”—don’t you do it.
Juvenile —“Mother says will yoii
give her small change for a dollar.
She’ll send the dollar in to-morrow.”
A Connecticut sc hool boy has writ
ten a composition on a horse, in which
he says it is an animal with four legs-,
‘ one at each corner.”
Mrs. Eddy, of Lincoln, caught het 1
better half kissing the servant girl.—
The doctor was sent for. He says he
can patch up Mr. Eddy’s face, but he'll
always be bald-headed.
Now it is rumored that Pap Dent, the
father-ili-law of tile administration is
about to wed Mrs. Smith, widow of the
late John. This suggests a dreadful
possibility, if ail that family have got
to be provided for.
Asa companion-piece to the song:
“O give me back but yesterday,” a mel
ody will soon be issued entitled, “Oh j
could I spare to-morrow,” which will be
followed by “ Have you such a thing as
next week about you ?”
“ Come, Rob,” said an indulgent
father to his hopeful, son, the other
morning, “ remember it is the early bird
catches the worm.” What do I care
for worms?” replied the young hopeful)
“ mother won’t let me go a fishing.”
At a school at Newcastle the master
asked a class of boys the meaning of
the word “appetite.” After a short
pause, one little boy said, “ I know. sir 5
when I'm Gatin' I'm 'nppy, .and when
I’m done I’m tight.”
“I say, hoy, is there anything td
shoot around here ?” inquired a sports*
man of a boy he met. “ Well,” replied
the boy, “nothing just about hero, but
our school master is just over the hill
there cutting birchrods, you might walk
up and pop him over.
A correspondent in Solith Carolina
says that a station where the train stop*
ped “ a young African gent gently jerked
tily coat tail, saying, ‘ Mister, did this
here train bring airy letter from Glen
Cannon to Bill Shore’s wife?' I gave
it up.
An individual who was puzzled to
know where all the Smiths came from
has, at last solved the mystery. At
Waterbury Conn., on a long factory, ap
pears a sign inscribed, “Smith’s Manu
facturing Company.”
A gentleman saw an advertisement
that a recipe for the cure of dyspepsia
m’ght be had by sending a postage stamp
to the advertiser. He sent hisstamp, and
the answer was “'Dig in your garden and
let whiskey alone.”
A woman committed suicide by hang
ing herself to aft apple tree. At the
funeral, a neighbor, noticing the sad ap
pearance of the husband, consoled him
by saying that he had mot with a terri
ble loss. “Yes,” says the husband,
heaving a sigh ; she must have kicked
like thunder to shake off six bushels of
green apples that would have been worth
a dollar a bushel when they get ripe.”
Looking Out tor Slights. —There
are some people—yes, many people—’al
ways -looking out for slights. They can
not pay a visit,they C-innot even receive
a friend, they ernnot carry on the daily
intercourse of the family without sus
pecting some offense is designed. They
areas touchy as hair triggers. If they
meet an acquaintance on the street who
happens to be preoccupied with
business, they attribute his abstraction
to motive personal to themselves, and
take umbrage accordingly. They lay
on others the fault of their own irrita
biiity. A fit of indigestion makes them
see impertinence in everybody they come
in contact with. Innocent persons, who
never dreamed of giving offense, arc as
tonished to find some unfortunate, or
some momentary taciturnity, mistaken
for an insult.
To say the least, the habit is unfortu
nate. It is far wiser to take the more
Heritable vi fellow beings,and
mot. smtintended unless
we direct.
After its hue, iu a
degree, fromthe ct/Wrof our own mind.
If wc are frank and generous, the world
treats us kindly. If, on the contrary,
we are suspicious, men learn to be cold
and cautious to us. Let a person get
the reputation of being touchy, aud ev
erybody is utuier wore or less restraint j
and in this way the chances of an im
aginary offense are vastly increased.