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_ * « j— - .
Tll 6 CStlllO XL 11 T 1 ■
Volume I.
in»E CALHOUN TIMES.
rrnListu.i) everv Thursday morning, iiy
I, j \f{ /A* Sb 1 lib IIA LL.
'PTION.
.. . : : : : $2.00
One >ca r * . . . i OQ
gix Months . *
' j[\TKS of advertising.
J" „ 6.00 10.00 18.00 55.00
clmn 9.00 10.00 30.00 40.00
15.00 ti-00 40.00 05.00
j «. 25.00 40.00 65.00 115.00
f:i cL Y hi
vivancc; and at the expiration of the time
for which payment is made unless pre-
renewed, the name in the sioiscu >ci
will be stricken from our nooks.
For each square of ten lines or less, for the
M insertion, §l, and for each subsequent
insertion, fifty cents. Ten lines of solid
Urcvicr, or its equivalent in space, make a
'Terms cash, before or on demand after
the first insertion. . ,
Vlvertisements under the nead oi opscuil
Notices,” twenty cents per lino for first in
sertion,' and ten cents each sebsequent inscr
tion. . .. r
Phtfrest will meet with prompt attention, and
concise letters on general subjects are re
spectfully solicited from all parts of the
country.
RAILROADS.
WESTERN .X ATI, A STIC.
NKillT I’ASHKNOER TRAIN—OUTWARD.
I.care Atlanta .*i.45 r. m.
Arrive at Calhoun 11.21 A. m.
Arrive at Chattanooga 2.dr» a. m
day PASSK.NCItIt TRAIN— OUTWARD.
i.eave Atlanta .-S3" a. m
Arrive at Calhoun I.l* p. m.
Arrive;at Chattanooga r ».80 v. m.
ACCOMOD TION TRAIN—OUTAVARD.
heave Atlanta i*. M.
Arrive at Dalton 3.j0 r. m.
Nir.llT I’ASSKNOBU TRAIN —INAV \UD.
1, avc Chattanooga 7 '<o r m.
Arrive at Calhoun 11.21 p. to
Arrive at Atlanta. 4.">j a. m
day PASSKNOKR train—inward.
heave Chat lan no.-a -GO a. m.
Arrive at Calhoun 041 a. m
Arrive at Atlanta AGO I*, m.
accomodation train -inward.
Leave Dalton 200 p m.
Arrive at Atlanta ..11 00 a. m
PROFESSIONAL CARO'
W. S. JOHNSON, ~ |
Attorney .Vt I^aw,
| CALIIOCX, GEORGIA.
* Office in Southeast corner of the
lonvt House.
Aug 11 1 1f
'IN- JOS. U’QQXXMhL.
FAIN AND MpCONNKIiIj,
/Viloruo.ys nt La\Vj
CMAIOrX, GEORGIA.
Oiliec in the Court House.
Aug 11 1 ts
W. T. I
Attorney -A.l Law. |
( 1 AI.IIOI V. GEORGIA.
mTII.L Practice in the Cherokee Circuit,
i* in U. S. District Court. Northern Dls
triot of Georgia, (at Atlanta): and in the Su
preme Court of the State of Georgia.
.Wm rnni;pg, \V fi Uakk n
PHILLIPS & ItANKIN,
A TTORNEYS A T LA If.
—AND—
COLLECTING /IGENTS
Calhoun, Ga.
W , !
m IIL practice in the Courts of the j
Cherokee Circuit.
D-.d ' Office North side Public Square.
i :. .1. KIK EH,
Attorneys Law,
CALHOUN, GEORGIA.
I 'Diet at the Obi Stand of Cantrell f KG \ J
pmvetico in all the Couns of the
m Cherokee Circuit; Supremo Court of
Georgia, and the United States District Court
II Atlanta, Ga. auglO’TOly
Sev. J\. m Martin,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
DA II LON EGA, - . . GKO.
Nov 10 1870 ts
Dll. W.T REEVES,
Surgeon A’ - Physician ,
CALHOUN, - . . GEORGIA,
MAY ho found at his office. ‘i '-e r., c k
Store Os jfoaz, Barrett & y
RUFE WALDO THORNTON
BENTIST,
Calhoun, . . . G. o ton a.
TdANKFUL for patronage solicits
ft continuance of the same.
at Residence. rrplo
DR. D. G. HUNT,
i'liyisician and Druggist,
CALHOUN, CA.
•I. I'. TINSI.KV.
WATCH-MAKER
AND
JEWELER,
CiLHOUN, : : : : GEORGIA
A UL styles of Clocks, Watches and Jewelry
neatly repaired and warranted.
Jiuginotf
{ESTABLISHED IN 1850.)
•1.0. MATHEW SON,
PBODUCE
COMMISSION MERCHANT
AUGUSTA. GEORGIA.
1870 lv
TIN-WARE
Cookin" Stoves I
W.T.HALL&BRO.,
WOULD inform the public that they are
prepared to fi.l nii orders in the
Tin-Ware Line,
At ns LOW TV.iOL • S3 any siuiila** c-lab
lihhment in Cherokee G n oug*a.
Our work is pc by experienced work
men, an ! wd! cu 1 m.c favorably with any
in the coni: iy.
o
Tu t’lDse days of Freedom, every good
husband should see that the --goot wife”
is supplied with a good
Cook ing Stove,
And wc n e p-f el .o famish any size
or style desired c.i die Lotvu-t Possible
Prices.
Give us a call. aull.tf
A. W. BALLEW,
DEALER IS
DRY-ROODS,
NOT ON 3,
Boots, S ioes, Hats, Groceries,
II ini g e, Qjcensware, &c.,
MUSIC \L l NSTIU3 HUNTS,
FACTORY YARNS. SHIRT LNGS,
AND
READY-MADE CLOTHING,
FAMILY GROCERIES.
LIQITOTIK, dbc,
I: 0 ls- - - CAIROU V GA.
Has :• i 1 conv.a-:. 'j vcce’v
RUiON. J \ I). Pi,DUE, MEAL.
SUGAR COFFER. HICE.
(MG AIl« TOBACCO.
CONNECT) ONE!! IPS,
Banned i ;« : i NiMs, Oysters.
S \ FDINFS CHEESE. Sc
\vd in iVci. p r and com pi > c tv. o.:metu
or id ’ • • O.occde*.
Heal in 1 »ie j i > ocßmf
WINKS & LIQUORS,
’n ’ -of :« cou ’.
’ ' o ,n. f'OsL (. *OC< rles, i F:o
(> - ,i Lie -. L-.undies’ or Wui r, g- re ice
a c:t . 'ul 0 7 !6i.i
J. H. ARTHUR,"
DEAL ’ ’l VS
S TA NARUS:! '7. E OVD ! A .V C1 r DR lr G 0 0 DS,
Cutlery. Notions etc.
Al-o 1.-?ep- c-.t..-'ly o.- La id a choice
etoc-- of
FAMILY GHD€FRtKS,
In all of wii’n ll juifch .L i l 0 odt'VC-* I
'liicrnii'U'. -.io i
Auglll ‘ ' Cm
J. K. IS. OORR. JNO. W. WAMItr.
COBB 1 WALKER,
lilllll lilt IIAKIiIfS
• il.l.LGllA'i lit)
SEW I X(5
M ACM I N K.
Every Machine Wars anted to
keejj iu good running order.
ALSO AC ENT 1 - POU CRN. LKB
MEMOUIAV. ASSOCIATION.
G. M MUNI’. Cal : om Geo gia, i-aittiio -
ized to t a-iraet a on. bu sine so during our
a’o i >et>. mar 16 <>iu
Cl I EHOKEE
\i\Mi iniiii\<; co.,
DA ETON GA.
Mailt!,.*..lures o'! Kinds of
fuhniture,
Os the be?t ui.P.c-ii'l l h'.s couni: a Tort!?,
| and very superior in style and woikiuausliip,
which they o : Y.. o is public ant 1 the geu
[ eral trad \r. - nv :;s car be r.florded.
Chairs & Boilslrails a Spemlily.
lYi'. Doors, •Sas’i and Jc'v Work, to or
der, on shoi i notice.
Dr. I). G. Hunt is o ” Agent at C.-Ghbun.
Ga.. a..d k< $a * 00-. l •■dv ot Fumituie
o•hi :I. V. W. WALI hi.-i p
L. D. r.M.w i Soeretarv. aug. oAO ly
IIISSIII ITIIII Mrnti
i rpHE - ridp Lccctofove oil-ting ua
1. and. u .oe il in n.i uie of 11. lew o. Mr ha 1 .
is this b' r o’veil by m;”M:d con«“».—J.
W. M:\n hu . r l'*»o >oo.\S of ‘C
ii. ,i are in the bauds of .1. 15. l’r .cw. woo
will close up All the b.tsiac?- oi i o .ate fi.ui.
A. VV. I>a aw
J. W. Marshall.
Read Further!
1 propose to coni’nue the business at c
old stand, and am determined a a! 1 t;aics to
keep a full and first-class stock.
ft MO, I m A. W. BALLEW.
G 7 TIT & A. W. FORCE,
t-'.ON op TIIE
BIG IRON BOOT,
Whitehall Srr.r t, ; : ; Atlanta, Ga.
BOOTS. SuOts sr.u Tmnks. a complete St-ck
ar.d no ■ t-ooc’s ar-st .ng daily! Celts'
Boo*s ai Mmws, of the best mak s. Led'os’
Shoes of a’! kinds. Bi>v>, Misses aiul Cb'...lren’s
Shops a* "very g ade »rd make.
fjg*” We .iff prepared to offer indneemea's to
Wholesale Trade. sept2'/.'O-ly
ANY QUANTITY of •■Fine Virgin a Leaf”
and MamifactureU Tobaccos at
DeJOUSNETT & SON S,
f7«*r. Broad & Bridge sts., Rome,
Ll 5. LA NGFOUD, jWlioles.de and
, Retell dealer in Stoves, Hollowware,
Tin-ware, Cutlery, &o. A * If* ata Georgia.
CALHOUN, GA., THURSDAY, JUNE 7
POET RY.
Some t>a,v.
EY Bi; 0.2 EF L.
Some day you’ll stand beside the Grcain,
Where once we reeled, you and s,
And us you wa’.ea the sunny gleaiu
Os trembling ghi drop " om the sky—
Mern’ry, pc ctiance, will .ring aga-hi
Those days, lose summer days, gouc by ;
The earth was one sweet garden then,
For we wo e lovers, you ami I.
Someday, ’n gold and purple cr.r,
The sun will ride across the wc t;
The fair and sta cly evening s:u
Wul come to guard the world’s brie' cs ;
Then you will think, perhaps w t >: bi
Os one sweet twil ght, s ace .ms-.,
W hen stand’ug in ic frag miu f. c
You vow’u io love wh’ o !’"c ...oi-hi ’a ..
Some day, when roses seem the r ’...
You w ’ remember ou t o, ts jutie—
llow seen*or’, bn**?, t-f sDves - -
Were so ged by the un isi g moon ;
And how vnprisoued in iheir g‘c;.ic
Our wh’sneved wo”(-'* were soil and ow—
Some day, thougu on yin a Cain,
Y’ou’.l seta me hand \ or. men let go.
Some day- wh*»n you unsought ave found,
Beneath the weeping w! o»v • ‘ ad.
A g m-s «• own. daisy-s; rlnklcd mound,
Where 1 for my bisi u-'st am laid—
You’H sad.y w'sh i.c.Gh could . '■store
The n a t and ove so .ue o ec:
Ait ! vr’ i. vain longing jevemore
W ’sc -iC r.-s so you o. me.
MISCBI^ANY,
How 31 r. Kobb Bee me a 3lasou.
The following t-ake-oIT of the myste
rious ceremonies popularly supposed to 1
1 be attendant upon ini.iation into a 31a
i sonic Led ye we find among our ex- i
; changes. The ridiculous ’and extrava- j
gant, will, we apprehend, be relished j
by even Masons themselves:
l flatter myself 1 understand some
thing about secret societies. I've bad ;
a passion for that sort of thing ever j
since I was old enough to tell lies. 1
have scouted around pretty extensively
among the different organizations, j've
been an Orangeifian. and a Fenian, and i
a Good Templar, and a Contcrfeiter, and j
a Knight of Malta. I have belonged 1
to the Sons of Temperance, and the >
Odd Fellows, and the Young Men’s i
Christian Association, and the Band of j
Hope, and a band of robbers. I'vc-been
into every thing, and f*tiiought 1 knew
every thing almost, but I didn't.
Three months ago I became in Tain
ated with Masonry, and since Ii 'ned j
that organization, I have discovered that j
with that outsiders "(CoiCl 1: ibw just a j
pretty good deal about. Now, Mr. Kd- '
itor, l propose making these secrets pub- ,
lie, not out of compassion for my fellow- i
men, who may be tending toward Ma- !
sonry, and act as a warning, and so on i
because I haven’t got a spark of human j
kindness in my breast, and would rather i
see every mother’s son put to the tor- i
ture than not; but because I have spite j
against the fellows who initiated me— j
who made the irons too hot, and the j
goat too frisky, and treated mo with a ;
roughness generally that the occasion i
did not warrant.
Before fulminating my narrative T !
will state, for the benefit of those who
don’t know, that Masonry is about six
hundred thousand years old. It was
old when the fraternity got into trouble
at the Tower of Babel, and it was old
when Adam first put on his apron ns
Grand 3laster in the Eden Lodge. As j
a more convincing proof of its antiquity, i
L would just mention that a party of
miners, the other day, in one of their
excavations, came upon tho pe r fled re
mains of a Masonic budge, wall the
members in their places and all complete,
and eminent geologists who have exam- ;
ined the fossils are of the opinion that
these bodies have been imbedded m the.'
rock for more than fitteen thousand j
years. On the evening I was to be in- j
itiated I made my will and took a most
affecting leave of my family. Thus pro-1
pared, I started for the Lodge accompa- i
nied by Brother John Smith. S. 11. S. j
P. T . who was to “ sec me through. ’
We had no difficulty in getting past the 1
first entrance, but when we knocked at i
the second a fat little fellow looked out
through a round hole in the door, and |
put this stavtli.g indicatory to Brother
Smith: “Chetuxchronhiglicolalorum?” 1
to which Brother Smith replied cheer- j
fully: “Nix —my —dolly—whack—
doo?’ The little fellow then said:
“ Flodzestcompbritiditumtum and my j
conductor giving a satisfactory answer, j
we were permitted to enter. Before 1 j
had time to look around me a long-legged
fellow knocked me ever with a club;
he then stood me on my feet, and an
other marauder made a rush at me and
brought me down again.
After I had undergone this exhilla
ting exercise for about five minutes they
stretched me out on a bench, and ex
amined my teeth, and pinchc'd my mus
cles, and stuck pins iuto me all over and
shoved cayenne pepper up my nose, and
poured molten lead in my trowsers’
pocket, and pulled hairs out of the back
of my neck with red-hot pincers, wit a ;t
view. I suppose, to make me feel unem
barrassed and at home.
When I came to my senses. I was
alone in the ante-:oom of the lodge.—
It was a lively and cheerful apai Iment.
A couple of crocodiles were amusing iu
a corner, and a few full grown rattle
snakes were practicing the flying tra
peze on the stove pipe. The furniture
chiefly of half a dozen mummies, the
skeletons of Captain Kidd, Luerciia
Borgia, Guy Fawkes, Jack the Giant
Killer, Oliver Cromwell, the Wandering
Jew, William the Conqueror, Christopher
Columbus and Dick Turpin; a flying
machine, three barrels of gunpowder,
and a remarkably healthy and weil-de
veloped wild cat.
Just then half a dozen pirates, clad
in aprons and sashes, rushed iuto the
room with a whoop. One of them, the
biggest and ugliest, who appeared to be
the chief, ordered the attendants, in a
voice of thunder, to trot out the animal.
The attendants disappeared, but imme
diately reappeared leading an iron-clad
goat, a regular doublc-dccker.wiib sixteen
horns, a pair of wings and seven or e! 0 it
tails stuck all over him. My eyes were ban-,
daged and I was told to mount. I said
“Gentlemen, if you’ll excuse me, I would
rather not. Jam not accustomed to going
np in a balloon; besides, I’ve "otan en
gagemont down town. Mv wife wants
to see me particularly, i will be back
in a few minutes; I rather think my
house is on fire, but FII be back in a few
! minutes; yes. gentlemen, in a few
Before I could finish my sentence I was
seized from behind and planted firmly
astride of the infernal goat.
Somebody then said let go, and away
we went. I’ve been through a good
many perilous scenes; I’ve taken part
in an election fight; I’ve been down in
a railway collision, and up in a steam
boat explosion ; ’vc fallen down three
flights of stairs, and walked out of a
fourth-story window ; but this .goat ex
cursion was ahead of them all. When
I come to reflect on tho matters in cold
blood. I wonder that 1 came out alive.
The furious beast kicked and screamed,
and rolled over and turned back somer
saults, and front somersaults, and drove
me against the ceiling and underneath |
the chairs, till the bandage fell from my j
eves, and I had to let go. The goat !
vanished up the chimney in a blue flame, ;
and I found myself in the center of the
lodge-room with about fifty Masons in
aprons and nothing else, dancing a war
dance around me.
The rest of the members were stand
ing on their heads in the different cor
ners, all but the cadaverous-looking buc
caneer. who seemed to be the head of
the department. Soon they left off
dancing and marched round the room,
chanting an inspirating dirge. I was
then hauled up in front of the Chief’s
desk, who thus addressed me : “ Broth
er Kobb, you are now one of us. You are
a member of an institution that has
lasted over three millions of years.—
You are impervious to mundane influ
ences. You are water-proof and fire
proof; you arc over-proof. You can
walk through a river, or set on a red
hot -tove with impunity. Mortal man
cannot harm you, and the devil himself
must curl up his tail and walk off at
£h ,m,IS r
1 then assumed a sash and apron.
Korns, Jun.
A lA'shioiKible F-<iyer.
Dear Lord, have mercy on my soul,
and please lot me have lie French satin
T saw at Si-ewar this morning, for,
with black lace flounces, and overskirt,
that dress won hi. be very becoming to me
I know. If you grant my request,
please let me have a black lace shawl,
also, Dear Lo:<1.
I kneel before Thee to-night feeling
perfectly happy, for Maflame Emile has
sent me home such a love' v bonnet. A
most heavenly Hide bijou, composed of
white satin wuli corr-1 ostrich tufts. —
For this favor 1 am feeling very grate
ful.
Give me. I pray Thee, an humble*
heart and a new green silk with point
lace trimmings. Let me notyow too
fund of lids vain mid deceitful world,
like other women, but make me exceed
ingly gentle and aristocratic. When
the winter fashions come, let them suit
my style of beauty, and let there be
plenty of puffing, plaiting, ruffles and
flounces for T dearly love idem all.
Oh, lord, ’et business detain my hus
band at II . for he is not wanted
at home at present. I wish to become
acquainted with that talk dark eyed for
eigner who is slaying at Col. Longswal
low’s. Bring about an introduction, I
beseech Thee, for Mr. Longswallow will
not. Bless my children and please send
them a good nurse, for I have neither
time nor inclination to look after them
myself. And now. oh Lord, take care
of me, while I sleep, and pray keep
watch over my diamonds. Amen.
llow to Make a Place Pros.»eroiis.
There can hardly be a better sign of
prosperity in a community than a dispo
sition to he’ponc another, to lift a little
when a neighbor's wheel gets stuck in
the irtud.
I Knew of a place where a man’s barn,
with all his w ater stores of grain and
hay was consumed by fire in the night.
Immediately all the men of the country
side inns ored and hauled up timber for
another barn, and then a b'g raising came
off. After that the sound of twenty or
more hammers was heard until the
whole was shingled and shedded. Gut
their deed of kindness was not done
yet: one and another offered to take a
head or two of his stock and winter
them for him, thus greatly reducing his
loss, and assuring his heart of the more
durable riches of brotherly love and
neighborly good will. No one can com
pute in money the value one such ex
ample of noble liberality in a commu
j nity, especially in its influences upon
the young. Where this spiiit prevails
j there is sure to be progress in a place
i even if all improvements are in their in
i fancy. People will like to come and
settle in a place that bears such a good
name. Now. if you desire to see your
place a growing, popular one, do what
you can to show yourself a good neigh
bor, especially to those who need a little
extra help.
If a man starts a tin shop or a black
smith’s shop in your place, don’t harness
up and drive four or five miles to buy
your pans or get your horses shod, just
because you have been in the habit of
doing it. Patronize the new comer when
you want anything done in his line.—
Speak encouragingly to him, and well of
him to your neighbors. Little words of
approval or censure go a long way, and
when once you have spoken them, you
cannot call them back.
Help the sick, especially if they are
poor, for poverty and illness are indeed a
heavy burden. Perform all acts of lov
ing charity which fall day by day in
your path, remembering who it is that
has said. “Ye shall in no wise lose your
reward. — Country Gentleman.
The Ten Commandments.
—
The Ten Commandments adopted by
| the “ craft,” and expected to be follow
ed :
1. Enter softly.
2. Sit down quietly.
3. Subscribe for the paper.
4. Don’t touch the poker.
5. Engage in no controversy.
0. Don’t smoke.
7. Keep six feet from the tabic.
8. Don’t talk to the printer.
9. Hands off the paper.
10. Eyes off the Manuscript.
Gentlemen observing these rules
when entering a printing office, will
greatly oblige the printers, and need not
fear the “devil.”
The ladies, who sometimes bless us
with their presence for a few moments,
are not expected to observe the rules
very str’ctly ; indeed it will be agreeable
to us lo have them break the eighth as
often as convenient.
Boys, unless accompanied by their
fathers are particularly requested to
keep their hands in their pockets.
A Stunning: Valentine.
The following is sublimely splendif
erous, and we recommend it as a mud
el to patrons of the saint.
My dear M iss F —Every time I think of
you my heart flops up and down like a
churn dasher. Sensations of unuttera
ble joy caper over it like young goats
over a stable roof, and thrill through it
like Spanish needles through a pair of
tow linen trowsers. Asa gosling swiin
meth with delight in a mud puddle, so
swim lin a sea of glory. Visions of
ecstatic rapture, thicker than the hairs
in a blacking brush, and brighter than
tiie hues of a humming bird’s pinions,
\nW invisible win ns. your image stands
before me. and I reach out to grasp it
like a pointer snapping at a blue bottle
fly. When I first beheld your angelic
perfections, I was bewildered, and my
brain whirled around like a bumble
bee under a glass tumbler. My eyes
stood open like cellar doors in a country
town, and I lifted up my ears to catch
the silvery accents of your voice. My
tongue refused to wag and in silent ado
ration I drank in the sweet infection of
love as a thirsty man swalloweth a tum
bler of hot whisky punch.
Since the light of your face fell upon
my life. 1 sometimes feel as if I could
lift myself up by my boot straps to the
top of the Presbyterian steeple, atjd pull
the bell rope for singing school. Day
and night you arc in my thoughts
When Aurora, blushing like a bride,
rises from her Saffron couch, when the
jay bird pipes his tuneful lay in the ap
ple tree by the spring house; when the
chanticleer’s shrill clarion heralds the
coming morn ; when the awakened pig
ariseth from his bed and grun'eth and
goes for his morning refreshments; when
the drowsy beetle wheels his droning
flight at sultry noontide, and when the
lowing cows come home at milking time,
I think of thee; and like a piece of
gum elastic, my heart seems to stretch
clean across my bosom. Your hair is
likethemancof a sorrel horse powdered
with gold ; and the brass pin skewed
through your waterfall, fills me with un
bounded awe. Y T our forehead is smooth
er than the elbow of an old coat.
Your eyes arc glorious to behold. In
their liquid depths I see legions of lit
tle Cupids bathing like a cohort of ants
in an old army cracker. When their
fire hit me upon my manly breast, it
permeated my entire anatomy as a load
of bird shot would go through a rotten
apple. Your nose is from a chunk of
Parian marble, and mouth puckered with
sweetness. Nectar lingers on your lips
like honey on a boar’s paw myriads of
unfledged kisses are there ready to fly
out and light somewhere, like bluebirds
out of a parent’s nest. Your laugh
rings ou my ears like the wind-harp’s
strains or the bleat of a stray lamb on a
bleak hill side. The dimples on jour
cheeks are like bowers in beds ol roses,
or hollows in cakes of home made su
gar.
I am dying to fly to your presence
and pour out the burning eloquence of
my k»ve. as thrifty housewives pour out
hot coffee. Away from j T on lam as
melancholy as a sick rat. Sometimes I
can hear the June bugs of despondency’
buzzing in mj T ears and feel the lizards
of despair crawling down my back.—
Uncouth fears, like a thousand minnows.
Dibble at my spirits, and mj T soul is
pierced through with doubts, as an old
cheese is bored by skippers.
My love for you is stronger than the
smell of Coffy’s patent butter, or the
, kick of a young cew, and more unsefish
than a kittens first caterwaul. As the
song bird hankers for the light of day,
the cautious mouse for the fresh bacon
in the trap, as a lean pup hankers after
new milk, so I long for thee.
You are fairer than a speckled pullet,
sweeter than a yankee doughnut fried
in sorghum uie!asses, brighter than the
topnot plumage in the head of a mu»-
coty duck. You arc candy kieses, rai
sins, pound cake, and sweetened toddy
altogether.
If these remarks will enable you to
see the inside of my soul, and me to win
your affections, l shall be as happy as
a wood pecker on a cherry tree, or a
stage hero in a green pasture. If you
cannot reciprocate my thrilling passions,
I will pine away like a poisoned bed
bug, and fall away from the flourishing
vine of life an untimely branch ; and
in the coming years, when the shadows
fall from the hills and the philosophic
trog sings his cheerful evening hymns,
you, happy iu another’s love can come
and drop a tear and catch a euld upon
the last resting place of
Julius Emu non pas Muggins.
BA 31 JOHNSON’S OK ATI ON.
i Delivered from aStitmixßi tin* Oc
fusion of tho Laic Jubilee.
Mhi to folks, B rudder in, Sister, or
any odder man :
Tt is with do feelings of dc greatest
inclination dat I hnb do honor to disap
pear before you dis ebeniiT, to express
our indifference in regard to our probi
tionary existence an’ our final indul
gence. An’ why do wc submit to dis
obcrwhelmin’ dislocation ? We all know,
an’ so we do, dat we know we know, an*
ob course we do ; an’ dat’s what’s do
matter. Spose dat Cambodia dc Great
does run his bridge across de Carribean
ocean, so as to connect wid de I‘cnnsyl
tucky Railroad, docs dat make it dat we
hab got to pay tree cents postage to
cross ober ?—not much. Den on de od
der hand, if Horace Greedy does run
his telegraph across de Gulf of Long
Island Sound, what’s dat got to do wid
McLane’s libber pills or do Hoosic Tun
nel. haint it ? An’ again, spose dey do
catch Queen Victory, is dat goin’ to hab
any ting to do wid stoppin de progress
ob de Frussian Pranko war? Won’t it ?
Well, I guess not bad.
Now, fellow stugcuts, it is time for us !
to rise up and strike at our own feel in’s
if we expect to submit to de efforts ob
de bubment. I’ll do ye good—an dat’s
de pint w T e expect to carry at de next
fettin’ ob dc Congressional Legislature
ob de board ob Common Council. As
Dr. Bismarck remarked in his great re
mark before de House ob Parliament at
Bristol lie said : “American citizens—
American citizens,” he said, didn’t he?
an' he was right—an’ dat’s what’s de
matter.
iaKtnrQnmjlsLM'rPire A’tnnriexn uAriY.—-
wliut you gwine to do wid datderc bird,
hey? Dere itstans on de summit <b de
Rockyghany mountains wid a bottle ob
Airs. Winslow’s soothin’ syrup under
one foot, an’ a box ob de llisin’ Sun
stove polish under de odder, hollerin’
aloud dat beautiful poem by niudder
goose, “Excelsior !”
Lastly, my feilow hypocrites, let us
take a look at Southern conthicvrasy, an’
what do we see dar ? don’t we ? Don’t
we see it wid a masked battery uinler its
arm, an’ a pirate ship stickin’ out ob
each pocket, standin’ on dc ruin ob Fort
Sumter, t~yiu’ to climb up Mount Vcr- |
non. so as to pull down de ole flag ?
But dere stands de Union Bull dog. j
Gineral Grunt, an’ he grabs King Cot
tun by de middle ob de trowsers, and
shakes him into de middle ob next week.
For When de Fief lie docs biscibber,
lie send him long up Salt libber,
De Union dey shall ne’er dissebber,
For de stars and stripes must float forcber.
And data what’s de matter ov iiunnev.
Like Its Father.
Not a great while since a married
couple up town came into possession of
a foundling baby. It was left on the
door-step one dark night, and the good
lady determined to take it in and raise it
as her own. One day a lady friend
called who was not aw T are of the romance
connected with the baby, and naturally
supposed her hostess to be its mother.
Os course [she felt compelled to bestow
upon it some rapid compliment, and to
this end caressed it enthusiastically, say
ing, “ How strikingly like its father —
his very image; but not at all like you. ”
“ How greatly you permit your imag
ination to deceive you. my dear. The
baby is not ours; it’s a foundling.” ‘V« u
know, my dear, I said it was not at all
like you, and yet it certainly resembles
its father greatly.” “But we don't
know who the father is!’’ interposed
the hostess in a tone of voice slightly
trembling. “ You may not, my dear
hut scarcely anybody else would find any
difficulty in fixing on its rtial father. Is
your husband very fond of it t ” “ No,”
replied the lady with energy ; he ab
hors it.” “Alas! poor thing, how sad,”
and then with a look of commiseration
she took her leave. But the shaft
struck home. When the head of the
family came in he found there was grief
in Nazareth. Propriety forbids our
lifting the veil from over the domestic
scene. That it was exciting may be iu
fered from the fact that the next day
the baby was sent to the asylum — X< >r
Orleans Picayune.
—
The army has been reduced to a peace
footingof 35.285 men. This will be am
ple to take care of the Ku K lux and ma
nipulate the Southern elections in
Grant’s favor. The officers are to be
one General, one Lieutenant General,
four Major Generals and three Briga
diers.
A New York farmei wrote to Mr.
Greeley for his advice as to whether
plaster was good to put on potatoes
Horace said he always used gravy or but
ter on potatoes, but supposed any one
could get accustomed to plaster if they
made an effort-
Numl>er 4- 8.
Various Items.
A head wind—a snecZc.
Joint proprietors—Butchers
| On the rise—A bakers stock
Capital sport —Money hunting.
Dead beats—Extinct drummer*
How to be wise—Drink sage tea.
The poor man’s story —The garret
I “ Galley Slaves ’* —printer’s devils.
A good side show—A pretty cheek,
j Cure for brain on fire : Blow it out.
Flat falsehood—Eying on your back.
Vegetable philosophy—Sage ndv’mo.
The war measure—a line of battle
Very much rod—Tomatoes and war
news.
I'lle best church service” —Matri
mony.
Something to chalk down— the pric<?
of milk.
The greatest curiosity in the world
A woman’s.
How to keep your head clear —Shave
every hair off.
“ Expectoroou ” is the parlor name
for a spittoon.
The Magic Mirror—A beautiful face
lit up with smiks;
In Tennessee, a hotel keeper is called
a “ hash-mill boss.”
The sweetest of strains—trying t° lift
a pretty girl on a horse.
Contentment —to sit in the house and
sec other people stuck in the mud.
Why is a chair-maker like a strict,
school-master? Because he canes bot
toms.
The cleplihnnt is one of the most sa
gacious of travelers—always keeping
his eve on his trunk.
J *
The greatest “ pain annihilate»r,” is
said to be a boy who has smashed 1,000
: windows this year.
Avery good way to prevent your
hair falling out is to allow your wife to
catch you kissing the servant girl.
Nothing so much destroys our peace
of mind as to hear another express an
intention to give us a piece of his.
In these j degenerate days of falw
c.ui,buuuL‘ ‘Jj ( tm Jtv* \r, ”,Aic j&MnmKt
The difference between a cigar stump
and a political stump is just the differ
cnee that there is betweeu smoke aud
gas.
' ! My boy, what does your mother do
for a living ?” was asked a little bare
footed urchin. “ She eats cold victuals,
sir.”
There is only one objection to people
who “mean well,” and thnt is, they
never can spare time to carry out their
meaning.
The first record of paper money is
found in the scriptural account of the
dove’s bringing the green back to Noah
in the ark.
We understand that the servants in
the White House now appear in “liv
ery.” That shows the “stable” char
acter of the President
An Irishman, upon seeing a sqirrel
shot from a tree, said, “Faith and that’s
a waste of powder. The fall itself
would have killed the animal.”
Somebody has written a book, entitled
“ What shall my son be ?” Ipm which
one frankly replies : “If the boy is as
bad as the book, the chances arc that
he w ill be hanged.”
“ But these hacks arc dangerous. Wo
might get the small pox.”
“ You’ve no cause to be afeard of my
coach, nmm, for I have had the hind
w heel vaccinated, and it took beautiful!”
•* Boy,” said an ill-tempered old fel
low to a noisy lad, “ what are you hol
lerin’ for when I am going by?”—
“Humph!” returned the boy, “what
are you going bj r for when I am hol
leriu ?”
“My Dear.” said a husband to his
wife, “ I’m tiling to start a coffee plan
tation.” “11 ow’ll you get the land?”
“Oh, there’s no trouble about that; l
alwaj r s have plenty of coffee grounds in
my cup.”
Colfax has had an attack of headache
in the bowels, brought on by eating
green apples, and the whole couutry is
informed of it by telegraph. Green ap
ples had the same effect when we were a
boy.
A little boy who had imbibed more of
the Young America spirit than of po
liteness, was reproved last fourth of Ju
ly for picking his nose. “ It’s my nose,”
he replied, “and this Is the day of
American Independence, and L’ll pick
thunder out of it if I’m a mind to!”
A tombstone in a South Carolina
cemetery was made conspicuous by some
wag, who painted ou it the following
lines:
“ Ifere lies the body of Jeremiah Gordon.
With month almighty, and teeth accordin'.
Trend iightly, stranger, o'er this wonder'
For if lie opes his mouth, you’re gone, by
thunder.”
A young minister, whose reputation
for veracity was not very good, once ven
tured to differ with an old doctor of di
vinity as to tho efficacy of the use of
the rod. “ Why,” said he “ the only
time my father ever whipped me it was
for telling the truth.” “Well,” re
torted the doctor. “ ft cured you of it,
didn't it ?”