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The Calhoun Times.
Volume X.
IP calhoiw Dimes.
IVK ,;v TBtfMDAf .VoltMMi, BY
/. i y/y/.v & Marshall,
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spectfully solicited from all parts of the
boiintry.^ mmm—mmmmm
**BAILBOAI>S.
Western it Atlantic.
xrour rASSKXQKR*Ta\ix —outward.
We Atlanta .3-45 P. M.
Arrive at Calhoun 11.21 a. m.
Arrive at Chattanooga 2 43 a. M.
IUV PASSKNUhR THAIS—OUTWAKD.
Leave Atlanta 3 15 A. M
Arrive at Calhoun l'J I> * M -
Arrive at Chattanooga 5.80 i*. m.
ACCOMOU TION TRAIN OUTWARD.
Leave Atlanta 530 i>. m.
Arrive at Dalton .......3.30 P. m.
MtiHT passbnobb train—inward.
Leave ChaiUnooga 7-50 r. m.
Arrive at Calhoun 11.21 P. m.
Arriveat Atlantal 4 00 A. M.
DAT PASSENGER TRAIN —INWARD.
t,eive Chattanooga r ».30 A. M.
Arrive at. Calhoun 944 a. m
Arrive at Atlanta 3.00 p. m.
ACCOMODATION TRAIN - IN WARD.
Leave Dalton 200 p. m.
Arrive at Atlanta 11.00 A. m
’professional cards.
W. S. JOHNSON)
Ailornc.v At LaWj
r ALU01'X, GEORGIA.
f«fy- Office in Southeast corner of the
r .nnrt House.
Aug 11 1 ts
I. C. FMS. .los: m’uonxki.?,.
fain and McConnell,
A.lloni(\ys at, Law,
CALHOUN, GEORGIA.
{r-j-V* Office in the Court House.
Augii l ts
W. CANTRELL,
Attorney Law.
Calhoun, Georgia.
•fjlbb Practice in the Cherokee Circuit,
T* in P. S. District Court, Northern Dis
trict of Georgia, (at Atlanta): and in the tsu
premc Court of tlie .State of Georgia.
6n.lV, Pmir:r4, W. 11. VUnkis*.
Yuriett.t, Ct.i. Calhoun, Ga
PHILLIPS & RANKIN,
A TTOHXEYK A T LA TV,
eoUSCTINQ AGENTS
Calhoun, Ga,
\\J —:o:
M ll.Tj practice in tlio Court., of tlie
Cherokee Circuit.
feif* Office North side Public .St pin re.
1L •I. Ivl K KU,
A.ttorney;at Law,
VALID) LX, GEORGIA.
[Ojiire at the Old Stand of Cantrell Kilcer.]
\171!,L practice in all the Courts of the
H Cherokee Circuit; Supreme Court of
''Corgis, an d the United States District Court
fit Atlanta, Ga. nuglO’TOly
Bov. -A.. Martin,
ATTORNEY AT LA IP,
DAIILONKQA, - - - (iF.O.
-Nov 10 1870 ts
inoriEW
Surgeon & PitgsiciatU
flALIft/IN. . . . GEORGIA,
M\s be found at his office, in the Krick
store of lioaz, Barrett & Cos., day
n- night—when not profe^iditally engaged
jan2ti’7ltf
RUFE WALDO THORNTON'
DENTIST,
CALIIOUX, - - . G.O.IGIA.
IWANKFLL for *ornler patronage, solicits
. a continuance of the same.
Office at Residence. sepls
DR.D.G. HUNT,
Physician and Druggist,
_ CALHOUN.\ GA.
JTdT TINSLEY;
WATCH-MAKER
, J eweEee,
CALHOUN, : : : : GEORGIA.
.. * o
Ab a style*of Clocks, Watches and Jewelry
-t* neatly repaired »ml warranted.
(ESTABLISHED Jy 1855.)
•1.0. MATHEWSON,
i’h'oWCe
COMMISSION merchant
-1 Vo UST Ay GEORGIA.
Kcpt 1-870 ly
T I N-W A R E
Cooking Stoves !
W.T.HALL&BRO,
WOULD iifform the public that they arc
prepared to fill all orders in the
Tin-Ware Line,
At as LOW PRICKS as any similar* cstub
lislimerit iii Cherokee Georgia.
Our work is put up by experienced work
men, and will compare favorably With any
in the country.
0
In these days of Freedom, every good
husband.should see that the *‘goot wife”
is supplied with a goal
Coolting Stovo,
And \vc arc prepared to furnish any size
or style desired at the Lowest Possible
Prices.
Give us a call. aull,tf
A. W. BALLfeW,
DEALER IN
DRY-GOODS,
NOTIONS,
Boots, Shoes, Hats, Groceries,
Hardware, Queensware, &c.,
MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS,
FACTORY YARNS, SHIRTINGS,
AND
READY-MADE CLOTHING,
FAMILY GROCERIES,
LIQUORS, cfco.
Railroad Street, - - CALIIOUX, GA.
Has just received and constantly receiv
ing, a fresh supply of
BACON, LARD. FLOUR, MEAL,
SUGAR, COFFEE, RICE,
CIGARS, TOBACCO,
CONFECTIONERIES,
(iaiiiUttl Fruits, Nuts, Oysters,
SARDINES, CHEESE, Ac.
And, in fact, a full and complete assortment
of Staple and Fancy Groceries.
Ho also keeps one of the best, Stocks of
WINES & LIQUORS,
in this part of the country.
If you want good, fresh Groceries, or Fine
Old Whiskies, Brandies, or Wines, give me
a call. feblb’7l6m
J H. ARTHUR,
DEALER 1N T
STAPLE AXI) FAXCY DRY GOODS,
Cutlery, Notions &c.
Also keeps constantly on hand a choice
stock of
FAMILY GROCERIES,
In all of which purchasers arc offered in
ducements.to buy.
Augl 11 Cm
J. N. U. COBl!. isi)i W. WALKER.
COBB a WALKER,
AGENTS FOR
CROVI4 BARB’S
CELEBRATED
SI-]\V I NX)
M A Cl 1 1 Nil
Every Machine Warranted to
keep in good running order.
ALSO AC ENTS FOB GEN. LEE
MEMORIAL ASSOCIATION.
G. M. HUNT, Callumn, Georgia, is author
ized to transact nil our business during our
absence. marlO-Gm
CHEROIi EE
iIAIMMINC I’ll,
DAL TON, GA.
Manufactures all Kinds of
FUHKTITURE,
Os the best material this country affords,
and very superior in style and workmanship,
which they offer to the public and the gen
eral trade, as low as can be afforded.
Chairs & Bedsteads a Speciality.
Blinds, Doors, Sash and Job Work, to or
der, on short notice.
Dr. D. G. Hunt is our Agent at Calhoun,
Ga., and keeps a good supply of Furniture
onliarfd. J. W. WALKER. SWpt.
L. D. Pat. mfi;, Secretary. aug2(»’7o-ly
lIISSIIII TIIIY XtITKT.
fill IE copartnership heretofore existing un
-1 der the-firm name of Ballew & Marshall,
is this day dissolved by mutual consent—J.
W. Marshall retiring. The books of the
firm are iri the letiids of .1. W. Ballew, who
will close up ntl the ln‘tsin‘o < Nos the late firm.
A. W. BH4k*
J. W. Marshall.
Read Further!
I propose to continue the business at the
old stand, and sr determined, at all times to
keep a full and first-class jft'MftJ:.
fehlG.lm A. W. DALLEW.
G. H. & A. W. FORCE,
SKIN OF TIIE
BIG IRON BOOT,
Whitkhall Strkrt, : : : Atlanta, Ga.
BOOTS, Shoes and Trunks, a complete Stock
and new Goods arriving daily! Gents’
Boots and Shoes, of the best makes. Ladies’
Shoes of all kinds. Boys, Misses and Children’s
Shoes of evdry grade and make.
IW We are prepared to offer inducements to
Wholesale Trade. s6pt2-V7O-ly *
ANY QUANTITY of “Fine Virginia Leaf ”
and Manufactured Tobaccos at
Dk JOUB NETT & S()N'S,
G r > r. Brohtf & linage sts., Rome,
CA.LHOTJISr, GA., THURSDAY, JITTSTE 8, 1871.
POETRY.
Tlie Boy Stood.on tlie Burning
Beck—ln a Horn.
The mule stood on a steamboat deck,
The land he would not tread;
They pulled the halter round bis neck,
And cracked him over the head.
Yet firm and steadfast there he, stood
As though formed for to rule;
A critter of heroic blood,
Was that there cussed mule.
They cussed and swore, he would not go,
Until lie felt inclined;
And though they showered blow on blow,
He would not change his mind.
The deck hands to the shore then cried
“This here mule's bound to stay,
And still upon tlmcritter’s hide
Witli lash thtTy fif%d away. % ~
Ilis master from the shore replied,
“The boat> about to sail,
And every other means you've tried,
Suppose you twist his tail. ”
“ Its likely that will make him land, ”
The deck hand, brave though pale,
Approached him with his outstretched hand
To twist his muleship’s tail.
There came a sudden kick behind!
The man.—oh! where was he?
Ask of the softly blowing wind,
The fishes of the sea.
For a moment there Was not a sound,
When that mule winked his eye,
As though to ask of those around,
“ Now how is that for high ?”
“Cut that mule’s throat right away,”
Tlie Captain did command,
But the noblest critter killed that day
Was the fearless, brave deck hand.
MISCELLANTY.
The Mysterious Organist.
At a grand cathedral overlooking the
Rhine there appeared a distinguished
organist. The great composer who had
played the organ so much had suddenly
died, and everybody, from the king to
the peasant, was wondering who could
be found to fill his place, when one
bright Sabbath morning, as the sexton
entered the church, he saw a stranger
sitting at the carpet shrouded organ.—
He was a tall, graceful man, with a pale
but strikingly handsome face,great black
melancholy eyes, and hair like the ra
ven’s wing for'gloss and color, sweeping
in dark waves over his shoulders. He
did not seem to notice the sexton, but
went on playing, and such music as he
drew from the instrument, no words of
pjjntr can describe. The astonished lis
tener declared that the organ seemed to
have grown human—thatH wailed and
sighed and clamored as if its tortured
human heart were throbbing through its
pipes.
“ Ufa* who are you sir ?”
“ Do not ask my name,” he replied;
£; I have heard that you were in want
of an organist, and I have come hereon
trial!”
“ You’ll be sure to get the place,” ex
claimed the sexton. “Why you surpass
him that’s dead and gone.”
“No, no, you over-rate me,” said the
stranger with a smile; then as if disin
clined to conversation, he turned from
old Hans, and began to play again, and
now the music changed from a sorrowful
strain to a grand old pesean, and the
mysterious organist :
Looking upward full of grace,
Playing still from a happy place—
God's glory smote him in the face.
and his countenance seemed not unlike
that of St. Michael, as portrayed by
Gui.do.
Lost in the melodies which swelled
around him, he sat with his far-seeing
eyes fixed on the distant sky, a glimpse
of which he caught through ass open
window, when there was a stir about the
church door, and a royal party came,
sweeping in. Among them might be
seen a bright young girl, with a wealth
of golden hair, ey<w like the violet’s hue,
and lips like wild cherries. This was
the Princess Elizabeth, and all eyes
were turned towards her, as she seated
herself in the velvet cushions appropri
ated to the court. The mysterious or
ganist fixed his eyes upon her and went
to playing. No sooner had the music
reached her ears than she started as if
a ghost had crossed her path. The
blood faded from her crimson cheek,
her lips quivered, and her whole frame
grefir tremulous. At last her eyes met
those of the organist in a long yearning
look, and the melody lost its joyous
notes, and once more wailed and sighed
and clamored.
“By faith,” whispered the Kipg to
his daughter, “this organist has a mas
ter hand. Hark ye, be shall play at
your wedding.”
The pale lips of the princess parted,
but she could not speak—she was dumb
with grief. Like one in a painful dream,
she saw the pale man at tire organ and
heard the - melody which filled the vart
edifice. Ay, full well she knew who it
whs and why the instrument seemed
breathing out the agony of a tortured
heart.
When the services were over and the
royal party had left the cathedral he
stole away as mysteriously as he had
come. He was not seen again by the
sexton till the vesper hour, and then he
appeared in the organ loft and com
menced bis task. When he played, a
veiled figure glided in and knelt near a
shrine. There she remained until the
worshippers disappeared, when the sex
ton touched her on the shoulder and
said :
“ Madame, everybody has gone but.
you and me, and I wish to close the
door.”
“I am not ready to go yet,” was the
reply ; “leave me. leave me !”
The sexton drew back into a shady
niche and watched and listened. The
mysterious organist still kept his post.
and his head was bowed upon the in
strument, and lie could not see the lone
devotee. At length she rose from the
aisle, and moving to the organ loft,
paused beside the organist.
“Bertram !” she murmered.
Quick as thought the organist raised
his head. There with the light of the
lamp suspended to the arch above fall
ing upon her, stood the Prince*?, who
had graced the royal pew that day.—
The court dress of velvet with its ermine
trimmings, the tiara, the necklace, the
bracelets had been exchanged for a gray
serge robe and a long thick veil which
was now pushed back from the fair girl
ish face.
“ Why are you here, Bertram ?”
asked the Princess.
“I came to bid you farewell, and as I
dared not venture into the palace, I
gained access to the cathedral by bribing
the bell ringer, and having taken the
seat of the dead organist, let my music
breathe out the adieu I could not trust
my lips to utter.”
A low moan was the only answer, and
he continued :
“l"ou are to be married on the mor
row ?”
“Yes,” sobbed the girl. “Oh ! Ber
tram, what a trial it will be to stand at
yonder altar and take upon me the vows
which will doom me to a living death.”
“Think of me,” rejoined the organ
ist. “l"our royal father has requested
me to play at the wedding, and I have
promised to be here. If I were your
equal I could be the bridegroom instead
of the organist; but a poor musician
must give yoii up.”
“It is like rending my sou! and body
asunder to part with you,” said the girl.
“To-night 1 may tell you this—tell you
fondly I love you but in a few hours it
will be a sin! Go, go, God bless you.”
Ehe waved him from her, as if she
would banish him while she had the
power to do so; and he—how was it
with him ? He arose to leave her, then
came back, held her to his heart in a
long embrace, with a half smothered
farewell left her.
The next morning dawned in cloudless
splendor. At an early hour the cathe
dral was thrown open and the sexton
began to prepare for the wedding.—
Plume-colored flowers nodded by the
way side--flame-colored leaves came dash
ing down the trees and lay in heaps
upon the ground; and the ripe wheat
waved like a golden sea, and berries
dropped in red and purple clusters over
the rocks along the Rhine.
"* A* length the palace gates were
opened and the royal party appeared,
escorting the Princess Elizabeth to the
cathedral, where the marriage was to be
Solemnized.
It was a bright brighter
than the entwined foliage and blossoms
where the tufts of pinnies which floated
from stately heads and festal robes that
streamed down over the housings of the
superb steeds. But the Princess,
mounted on a snowy palfrey, and clad
in snow-white velvet looked pale and
sad; and when on nearing the church,
she heard a gush of organ music, which,
though jubilant in sound, struck on her
ear like a funeral knell —she trembled
and would have fallen to the earth, had
not a page supported her. A few min
utes afterwards she entered the cathe
dral. There with his retinue stood the
royal bridegroom, who she had never
before seen. But her glance roved from
him to the organ loft, where she had ex
pected that mysterious organist. He
was gone, and she was obliged to return
the graceful bow of the King, to whom
she had been betrothed from motives
of policy. Mechanically she knelt at
his side on the altar stone; mechanically
listened to the service and made the
responses.
Then her husband drew her to him
in a convulsive embrace,and whispered:
“Elizabeth, my queen, my .wife, look
up.”
Trembling in every limb, she obeyed.
Why did those eyes thrill her so? Why
did that smile bring a glow on her
cheeks ?
Ah! though the King wofe the royal
purple and many a jeweled order glit
tered on his breast, he seemed the hum
ble person who had been employed to
teach organ music, and had taught her
the lure of love.
‘‘Elizabeth,” murmered the monarch,
“Bertram Iloffwer, the or
ganist, and King Oscar (the Royal Free
Mason) are one. Forgive my strate
gem. I wished to marry you, but I
would not drag to the altar an unwilling
bride. Your father was in the .secfGt.”
While tears of joy rained from her
blue eyes the new-made queen returned
her husband’s fond kisses, and for once
two hearts were made happy by a royal
marriage.
A Dutchman’s Answer. —Squill—
I say fellow, can you tell me where Mis
ter Swackerhammer, the preacher, lives ?
Dutchman—Yaw. You just walk
the road up to de creek, and durn the
britch over the sthream. Den you just
go on till you come to a rote wat winds
woo to afourrd the schoolhouse, put you
don't dake dat rote. Well, den, you go
on till you meet a big- barn. shnYgXed
mit straw, den you durn de rote round
do field and go on till you cam to a big
white house all speckled mit white,
and de garret up stairs. Well dat is
my broder Han’s house round de barn,
and you see a rote dat goes up in de
voot?. Den you don’t dake dat rote,
too. Den you go light straight on, and'
de first ding you meet is a hay stack,
and the neck is a barrack. Well, he !
don’t lif dere. Dcff you see a house on !
top de hill, and about a mile, and go !
on dere, and ax de ole voiuafr, and she j
viH tell better as J can.
ULLOFFS HEYic
Wlmt the Doctors Say About It.
Ruloff’s brain, which was carefully
examined this morning, weighed 5H
ounces, being 9J or 10 ounces heavier
than the average weight. The heaviest
brain ever weighed was that of Cuvier,
the French naturalist, which is given
by some authorities at 05 ounces, and
by some at 54 ounces. The brain of
Daniel Webster (partly estimated on ac
count of a portion being destroyed by
disease) weighed 64 oiinces. The brain
of Dr. Abercrombia, of Scotland weighed
63 ounces. The. lower (brute) portion
of Ruloff’s brain and the mechanical
powers were unusually lal*ge. The up
per portion of the brainy which directs
the higher moral and religious senti
ments, was very deficient. In the for
mation of the brain, Ruloff was a fero
cious animal, and, so far as disposition
could relieve him from responsibility, he
was not strictly- responsible for his acts.
The measurement es Ruloff’s head around
at the eyebrows, (supra orbital) was 251
inches. The skull was probably the
thickest ever known. In no place was
it less than § of an inch in thickness,
and in most places it was half an inch
thick. The usual thickness of man’s
skull is less than one fourth of an .inch,
lluloff’s head was opened in the usual
way, by parting the scalp over the top
of the head, from one ear to the other,
and sawing off the top. The surgeons
who performed the operations say it re
quired three quarters of an hour to saw
around the skull, and before it was com
pleted they began to think the head
was all skull. With the protection of a
skull half an inch thick, and a scalp of
the thickness and toughness of a rhi
noceros rind, the man of seven murders
was provided with a natural helmet that
Wbuld have defied the force of any pis
tol bullet. If he had been in Mirick’s
place, the bullet would have made only a
slight wound; and had he been pro
vided with a cutis vera equal to his scalp,
his defensive armor against bullets would
have been as complete as a coat of mail.
The cords in Ruloff’s neck were as
heavy and strong as those of an ox, and
from his formation, one would almost
suppose that he was protected against
death from the gallows as well as by in
jury to his head. Ruloff’s body was
larger than it was supposed to be by the
casual observers. The Sheriff ascer
tained when he took the measure of the
prisoner for a coffin to bury him, that
he was 5 feet 10 inches in 'height, and
measured 19 inches across his shoulders.
When in good condition his weight was
about 175 pounds. It is very well
known that Ruloff’s grave was opened
three different times last Friday night,
by different parties who wanted to obtain
his head. One of these parties was
from Albany, and twice the body was
disintered by persons living in jling
hampton. One company no
sooner cover up the body, which all
found headless, and leave it, than an
other company would come and go
through the same operation. It is now
known that the head was never buried
with the body, but was legally obtained
before the burial, by the surgeons who
have possession of it. The hair and
beard were shaved off close, and an ex
cellent impression in plaster was taken
of the whole head. The brain is now
undergoing a hardening process, and
when that is Completed,, an impression
will be taken of it entire, and then it
will be parted,the different parts weighed
and impressions made of the several
sections.
Mafriage Maxims.
A good wife is the greatest earthly
blessing.
A man is what his wife makes him.
It is the mother who moulds the char
acter and destiny of the child.
Make marriage a matter of moral
judgment.
Marry in your religion.
Marry into a different blood and tem
perament from your own.
MaiTy into a family you have long
known.
Never talk at one another, either alone
or in company.
Never both manifest anger at once.
Never speak loud to one another, un
less the house is on fire.
Never reflect on a past action, which
was done with a good motive; and, with
the best judgement at the Dmc.
Let each one strive to" yield oftoncst
to the wishes of the other.
Let self-abnegation be the daily qjm
and effort of each.
The very nearest approach to domes
tic felicity on earth, is the mutual culti
vation of absolute unselfishness.
Never find fault, unless it is perfectly
certain that a fault has been committed,
and even then, "prelude it with a kisS,
and lovingly.
Never allow a request to be repeated.
“I forget” is never an accepatble ex
cuse.
Never make a remark at the expense
of the other, it is meanness.
Never part for a day without loving
words to think of during your absence.
Besides, it may be that you will not meet
again in life.
—-a ■» ■
Some me?f afe strangely sensitive.—
They will get drunk, rave about the
Streets, yelling like savages, go home,
beat their wives, turn their children
out of doors, resist the officers who ar
rest them, pay a fme before the court,
ancf having rnaue themselves as notori
ous as possible, will slide around to the
editor and beg him, with tears in their
eyes, not to bring disgrace in their
families by mentioning the little affair
n the paper.
Wiiat Does Masonry Do for Men.
—A prominent anti-Mason in Windham
county, at a funeral of a man who
was followed to the grave by hundreds of
Masons, and as honorably buried as
though he had been a King, said to the
Marshal of Moriah Lodge that he could
not understand it all; that when a man
so obscure died, being a church member,
his brethren would not honor him in
death as Masons honor their dead. The
Marshal asked him if this man who was
dead was not an honest man. “ Yes,”
was the reply, “ but still I can not till—
derstand it.” “ Tell u.c,” said the man,
“ what Masonry does for men who go in
at its portals. The reply of the Mar
shal came promptly, and all of its words
are golden, and each should have a setting
ol the purest diamonds, and be treasured
ana remembered*forever : “ Masonry
seeks to make men what God designed
they should be, without it.” Such in
deed is masonry. It guides, directs and
influences men to be good, and when he
foachds the dark portal which, once hav
ing passed, he comes to us no more, it
only asks, did he die an honest man ?
This being so, silently they gather
around the bier, and grandly, as though
he were of the mighty of the earth, they
bury him out of sight. —Jjoomis ’ Mu
sical and Asa son ic Journal.
—
Tifdl’ k.- : -TIIc Boston
wreckers who have been engaged in re
covering $5,800,000 sunk in the British
vessel Hussar during the revolutionary
war have been successful. During the
the past week Conductor H. Barnes
and sixteen men have been work
ing in eighty feet water at Port Morris,
Westchester county, where the wreck
lies. Divers have reached the treasure
hold, which contained twenty-six nvu
chests of specie ; but the action of the
heavy substances of the chests have
been cemented so firmly together that
they must be raided en masse. Doubt
of the ultimate success of the work is
over. Twenty thousand dollars have
been expended on the work. Many
Cannon and other cm iosties of the wreck
have been raised and presented to the
Central Park Museum.
A Dutchman’s Joke. —When the
nickle cent first came into u,sc n stand
ing joke was to ask “ Why tlie eagle was
represented in a flying position,” “ Be
cause he’s on anew cent (scent).” A
friend of ours propounded the question
to a gentleman from Germany, and on
giving the answer his friend seemed to
think there might be a good joke in it,
but be couldn’t see it.
“ He’s ,on p new ~(s)cent,” repeated
Our friend, “ he smells something, scent
is something you can smell.”
“ Oh-h! ya’as, dat vas a goot von,
vere you got it '{ Foots rate, ain’t it.—
Stop a leedlo, I fools Yoppy mit dat,
you shust vait. Yoppy, coom here.”—
Yoppy walks up. “ You knows vot for
dat eagle vas flying ?”
loppy acknowledged his ignorance,
but was enlightened at once by the fol
lowing :
“ Bccose he’s on anew shtink.”
Old Fashioned Religion. —Fanny
Fern says real devotion may stroll to
church with a gilt edged, gilt clasped,
velvet prayer book, with a staring gilt
cross on the cover, held by the daintiest
yellow gloves, in conjunction with a cob
web handkerchief, heavily freighted with
rich lace ; real devotion, may do this, but
it staggers my faith to believe it. It is
a relief to me, at any rate, to look away
from such a spectacle to some poor body,
in but well, mended clothes, in
company with a wel! thumbed Bibl£ or
prayer book, with the look of having
been used; a leaf turned down here, a
pencil mark there, perhaps by some dear
toil-hardened hand, cold and white
enough now, over which warm tears
have dropped on its pages, during life’s
great struggle upward.
-
“ Bob, where’s the State of matri
mony?” “It is one of the United
States. It is bounded by hugging and
kissing on one side, and cradles and ba
bies on the other. Ifs chief products
are population, broomsticks and staying
out late o’nights. It was discovered by
Adam and Eve while trying to find a
northwest passage out of Paradise. The
climate is sultry till you pass the tropics
of housekeeping, when squally weather
commonly sets in with such power as to
keep all hands as cool as cucumber*.—-
For the principal roads leading to (his
interesting State, consult the first pair
of blue eyes you run against.”
—
“Well Tom,” said a blacksmith to
his apprentice, “you have been with
me now three months, and have seen all
the different points in our (?ade. I
wish to give you your choice of work
for awhile.”
“ Thank’ee, sir.”
“ Well, ~olf, what part of the busi
ness do you like best ?”
“ Shuttin’ up shop, and goin’ to din
ner, sir.”
A Story is told of a young couple in
Hartford who wanted to hear Dickens
read. They could hardly afford it. but
screwed up their extravagance to the
necessary piL*V. A- they had conclu
ded to invest, they bethought themselves
of a poorer family near by who was suf
fering from lack of work. So they
gave up Dickens and paid the price of
two tickets to their impoverished neigh
bors. The people took the money,
bought tickets with it, and attended the
readings.
Sawdust pills, says an old physician,
would effectually cure many ot“ the dis
eases with which mankind is affected, if
every patient would make his own saw
dust
dumber 43;
YHrtous Items.
jjt,
The laps of time—Onr old coat-tails.
A ‘‘storied earn"—The novelist's
pw
t
Cats Hnd effect—Crows and scare
crows. •
How to keep bools.—Don't lend
Itlcm. , .
A real teetotal curiosity.—A pair of
water-tight boots.
What is the worst seat a man can si*
on ? Self-concc^.
When is a scheme like the third of A
yard? When it ’a n-foot.
When is it useless to try to rorrow a
book ? When it's lent.
If seven clays mike one week, how
many will make one strong?
If forty Perches make one rood, how
many will make one polite ?
Moisey that comes back ten fold—that
expended injudicious advertising.
Why is hunger like the chastening
rod ? Because both make the boy holler.
Marriage makqs a man and woman
one; but the trouble is to tell which of
them is the one.
“Halloa, there, Betsey, what o’clock
is it, and where’s the chicken pie ?” “It’s
cv/ht } sir.”
A GIRL with a “ringing laugh” caused
an alarm of fire th<j other day. They
took her for a rer ‘.
A cross old bachelor suggests thai
births should be announced under the
of new music.
A young Philadelphian has just died
of softening of the brain, caused by the
coculm i*»W?f ; ’orin lager beer.
Carpenters are plane fellows, apt to
chisel, often great bores , and sometimes
cut up people badly with their old sows.
t • i
Student—“ Professor, can you sco
anything in my eye ?. It feels very sore.”
Professor —“1 see a very bad pupil, sir.”
A young lady who was boasting of
her was asVetl if they were natura|
of aftiiieial. “Neither, they are gutta
pe reha.”
What is that, which when brought,to
the table, is cirt hilt never eaten? X
pack of car&s.
•. , * */
An Ohio lyceum is trying to cipher
out which is the oldest battle cry,
“Erin go bragh' o? Iff tPgo blue !”
A darkey who witnessed the explosion
of a shell for the first time, declaimed :
“See dar, hell hab laid an egg.”
A lady in reply to some guests who
praised the mutton on the table, said :
“Ob yes, my‘husband always buys the
best; he’s a great cpivac !
A nigger applied at a drug store for a
tin kcr’s violin, saying it had been pre
scribed by a physician. Tincture of
iodine was just what he wanted.
Schuyler Colfax, who recently retired
from public life, will engage in the man
ufacture of patent, overshot, back-ao
tion, reciprocating hen coops, Hi HnHir
Bend.
“Have you ‘Blasted Hopes ?’ ” asked
a lady of a green librarian, whose face
was much swollen. “No ma’am,” here
plied, “but I have a blasted toothache.”
A shrill old lady in Memphis, when
ever she loses her scissors, rouses the
whole family with' “Where's them shears
appeared to ?”
“ Whisky is your greatest enemy.”
“But.” says Mr. Jones, “don’tthe Bible
say, Mr. Preacher, that we are to love
our enemies /” “Oh yes, Jones, hut it
don’t rsiy $6 ate to swallow them.”
Why is a young lady considering tho
numerous proposals she has recieved,
like the terrestrial sphere ? Because she
is revolving on her axis.
“There is no place like home” unless
it's the home of the young lady you aro
after. Future poets will please make
note of this.
An Ohio woman was so amiatlc at
breakfast the otjicr morning that hcl*
husband took the coffee to a chemist for
analysis.
“Them soldiers must-be an awful aj?*
honest .?ct,” rnic? an old lady, “for not a
night seems to pass that some sentry irf
not relieved of his watch.”
A gentleman who was o *i his death
bed, stffrounded by a 'enclave of physi
cians, appealed to them in piteous tones,
“My dear sirs, whatever you do, please
let me die a natural death.”
A Yankee being to hi:?
wife, said, “Why, sir, she’d nudcc a reg
ular fast, go ahead steamer, my wife
would—she has s?uch a wonderful talent
for blowing
A colored barber in lowa, subpoenaed
to serve as a juror, was on the usual ex
amination asked. “ Af*e you a voter?”
arf<? brought, *be hot?«e by answer
ing.* “ I’s black enoiTgh, but not okf
enough.”
• A pretty girl says if it was wrong for
Adam to live single *rben there was not
a woman on earth, how guilty arc ok?
bachelors, with the world full cf pretty
girls. .
“MnrSifa, my (fcniV’ said a loving hus
ba id to his spouse, who was several years
Ms junior, “what do you say to moving
to the far West?” “Oh, I am delighted
with the idea. You rccollcei wHeiY MrV
Morgan moved oift tWef6 Ft vfqs as poor
as we are, and in three years he died, leav
ing his widow worth n hundred tkx/-
sand dollars. *■