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CALHOUN WEEKLY TIMES.
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gaUmd jWteittl*.
WESTERN & ATLANTIC RAILROAD.
day passenger train—outward.
Leave Atlanta i 9.4 ft p' m
“ Chattanooga 360 p * M
DAY PASSENGER TRAIN—INWARD.
Leave Chattanooga 6:16 P ‘ J
Arrive Calhoun ""-"Vm e
night passenger trun—outward.
Leave Atlanta p ; £
Arrive Calhoun Vo-ofi A m
NIGHT passenger train—inward.
Leave Chattanooga p ‘
Arrive Calhoun - 3:3 ? p ' “*
- Atlanta 10;la p M ‘
ACCOMMODATION TRAIN —OUTWARD..
Leave Atlanta • 3:ao p ‘ J
Arrive Calhoun '}?rr
“ Dalton J - :o ° 1 ' M ‘
ACCOMMODATION TRAIN —INWARD.
Leave Dalton J*
Arrive Calhoun Vn'ns *’ M
- Atlanta 10 - 08 A ‘ M
professional & pnsinrss fttfa
J. KIKER & SON,
# ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
Will practice in all the Courts of the Cher
okee Circuit; Supreme Court ot Georgia, and
the United States District Court a! Atlanta,
Ga. Office: Sutheast corner of the Court
House, Calhoun, Ga.
attorneys at law,
CALHOUN, GA
Will practice in ali the Superior Courts of
of Cherokee Georgia, the Supreme Court of
the State and the United States District and
Circuit 'jourts, at Atlanta.
TJANKIN & NEEL,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
CAIIIOUN, GA ,
Office: Court House Street.
J D. TINSLEY,
Watch-Maker & Jeweler,
C/LOUtf, GA .
All styles of Clocks, Wa dies and Jewelry
neatly repaired and warranted.
JluTe WALDO THORNTON, D. D. S..
DENTIST.
Office over Geo. W. Wells & Co.’s Agricul
tural Warehouse.
| ISSCU XTIUDGi N S,
•lil liner & Mantua-Maker,
Court House St., Calhoun* LJa*
Patterns of the laest styles and fashion
ladies just received. Gutting and
done to order.
| 11. AIITHURf
Dll’ ER IN
QENEBAL MZ.ICHANDISE,
rv.. OAD ~ , REET,
Calhoun , Ga.
MUSIC! MUSIC!
A large variety of now and select music
direct from Philadelphia,; kept constantly on
hand and for silo by Mrs. J. E. Parrott. —
She also gives notice that she will instruct
in music at her residence. Terms, per month,
$4.00; use of instrument, 50 ennts. Recep
tion days, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Tj T. GRAY,
Li . CALHOUN, GA„
Is prepared to furnish the public with
Buggies and Wagons, bran new and warrant
ed. Repairing of all kinds done at short
notice. Would cill attention to the cole
rated “Fish Brothers’ Wagon which he fat
ni-hes. Call and examine before buying
elsewhere.
NEW GROCERY STORE.
3, ’\7S7~m MarsLiall,
RAILROAD ST., OLD STAND OF
A. W. BALLEW.
FRESH GOODS, BOUGHT FOR
CASH, AND WILL BE SOLD
FOR CASH AT THE VERY
LOWEST PRICES.
Would respectfully ask his numerous
friends in Gordon county to conie in and
see him before making purchases elsewhere.
■dTh. pindley,
WITH
M. ROSENBERG & BRO.,
W holesale and Retail Dealers in
Dry Goods, Clothing, Boots, Shoes
—AND—
GENTS’ FURNISHING GOODS,
Two doors cast of Rome Bank,
N o. 05 Biotid St., - - - Borne, Ga.
New good> received weekly.
Highest market prices paid in cash for
*ll kinds of FURS.
We pay the highest prices for cotton.
dec‘2 dm.
Fall and Winter Goods J
ATRS. ANNIE HALL
H"s now in store her fall and winter stock
i iashionable Millinery and Straw Goods,
consisting in part of Bonnets, Ladies’ and
Hats, White Goods, Ladies’ Un
derwear, Ribbons, Laces, Flowers, &c , with
an endless variety of
TRIMMINGS OF ALL KINDS.
Cutting, fitting aid making dresses a spe
cialty. All work and ne with care, neatness
Idispatch. Prio is reasonable. Give me
ill. |IRS. ANNIE HALL.
1 r l he Times uffiev is the place to get
■pour Job work dontlc/tectjo .
ColljDttn ukcklt) ®imcs.
VOL. V.
THE MURDERED TRAVELER.
When spring to wood and waste around,
Brought bloom and joy again;
The murdered traveler’s bbnes they found,
Far down a narrow glen.
The fragrant birch, abovo him, hung
Her tassels in the sky ;
And many a vernal blossom sprung,
And nodded, careless, by.
The red bird warbled, as he wrought
His hanging nest o’erhead,
And fearless, near the fatal spot,
Her young the partridge led.
But there was weeping far away,
And gentle eyes, for him,
With watching many an anxious day,
Grew sorrowful and dim.
They little knew, who loved him so,
The fearful death he met
When shouting o’er the desert show,
Unarmed, and hard beset.
Nor how, when round the frosty pole,
The Northern dawn was red.
The mountain wolf and wild cat stole
To banquet on the dead
Nor how, when strangers found his bones,
They dressed his hasty bier,
And marked his grave with nameless
stones
Unmoistened by a tear.
But long they looked, and feared, and
wept,
Within his distant home ;
And dreamed, and started as they slept,
For joy that he was come.
So long they looked— but never spied
llis welcome step again,
Nor knew the fearful death he died
Far down that narrow glen.
lleit We Don’t Want to Meet.
The man who grunts and gasps as he
gobbles up his soup, and at every other
mouthful seems threatened with a chok
ing fit.
The man who, having by an accident
been throw n once in your company,
makes bold to bawl y> ur name out, and
to shake your hand profusely when you
pass him in the street.
The man, who pleading old school*,
fellowship, which you have quite for
gotten, never you without trying
to exhort a five pound note.
The man who volunteers his criticism
on your new play or picture, and points
out its worst faults iu the presence of
your wife.
The man who artfully provokes you
to play a game of billiards with him,amL
though he feign3 to be a novice,prouuces
his own chalk.
The man who can’t sit at your table
on any set occasion without getting on
his legs to propose some stupid toqst
■*®The man who, thinking you musical,
bores you with his notions on the music
of the spheres.
The man who wears a white hat in
the winter and smokes a pipe when
walking, and accosts you as “old fellow”
just as you are hoping to make a good
impression on some well dreled lady
friends.
The man who, when your doctor faces
him at table, turns the talk so as to set
him talking doctor’s shop.
The man who, with a look of urgent
business, when you are in a hurry, takes
you by the button hole to tell you a bad
joke. . _ .
The man who,sitting just behind you
at the opera, destroys half your enjoy
ment by humming all the airs.
The man who makes remarks on your
personal adornments, asks you where
you buy your waist-coats, amTwhatyou
paid for youj dress boots.
The man who lards his talk with lit
tle scraps of French and Gentian after
his return from a Continental tour.
The man who spoils your pleasure in
seeing anew play by applauding in
wrong places, and muttering in stage
whispers his comments on the plot.
And, to finish with, the man w 7 ho,
when you draw back slightly to appre
ciate a picture, coolly comes and stands
in front of you, and thou receding, also
t reads upon your toes. — Punch.
Advice to a Girl who ** Finished. ’
“ Gertrude, yu tell me that yu hav
been two years in a boarding school,
and hav just finished yure edukashun,
and want to know what yu shall do
next.
Listen, mi gushing Gertrude, .and I
will (ell yu.
Get np in the morning in good sea
son, go down into the kitchen, seize a
potato by the throat with one hand and
a knife with the other, skin the potato
and a dozen more just like it, stir up
the buckwheat batter, look in the oven
and see how the biscuits are doing, bus
tle around generally, step on the cat’s
tai! and help your good old mother git
breakfast.
After breakfast put up the yung
children’s luncheon for skool, help wash
up the dishes, sweep, put things in or
der, and sometimes during the day, nit
at least two inches and a half on sum
ov youre brothers little blue woolen
stockings for next whiter..
In other words, go to work and make
youreself useful, now that yu hav b >
kuui ornamental, and if yu hav enny
time left, after the beds are ali made up,
and ( he duks have been fed, pitch into
the piana, and make the old rattle box
ski cam with musik.
Do this for one year, and sum likely
yung fellow in the nabtrr.ood will hear
ov it, and wiil begin to hang around
yu, and say sweeier things than yu
ever heard before, and fin dly will give
yu a chance to keep house on yure own
hook.
Yu follow mi advice, Gerty, and see
if he dou t. —Josh Billings.
Toe eastern poet who had expressed
a wish to die “ amid the grand solitude
of the eternal mountain tops’ was kill
ed by the explosion of a pint of cheap
kerosene.
CALHOUN, GA., WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 1875.
The Legeho of Gantbrinus.
The popular legend of Gambrinus,-as
I related by John "iske, iu the Atlantic
Monthly, as follows :
Gambrinus was a fiddler, who on be
ing jilted by his sweetheart, went into
the woods to harg himself As he was
sitting on a limb with a cord around
his neck, preparatory to taking the fi
nal plunge, suddenly a tall man in a
green coat appeared before him and of
fered his services He miyht become
as wealthy as he liked and make his
*weetheart burst with vexation at her
folly, but i* thirty years he must give
tip his soul to ILe’zebub. The bargain
was struck, lor Gambrinus thought
thirty years a"long time to enjoy one’s
self in, and perhaps the devil might get
him in any event —as well be hung fdr
a sheep as.at ’umb: Aided by Satan,
he invented chiming bobs and lager
beer, for both of which achievements he
is held in grateful remembrance by
Teutons. No sooner had the holy Ro
man Emperor quaffed the new beverage
than he made Gambrinus Duke of Bra
bant and Count of Flanders; and then
it was the fiddler’s turn to laugh at the
discomfiture of his old Sweetheart.—
Gambrinus lived clear of women, says
the legend, and so lived in peace. For
thirty years he tat beneath his belfry
with the chimes meditatively drinking
beer with his nobles and burghers
'found him. Then B<*lzebub sent
Jocko, one of his imps, wi f h orders to
bring back Gambrinus before midnight
But Jocko was like Swiveller’s mar -
chioness, ignorant of the taste of beer
never having drunk of it even a sip,
and the Femish schoppen were too
much for him. He fell into a drunken
sleep and did not wake up until next
day, at which he was so mortified that
he had not the face to go back to hell
at all. So Gambrinus lived rn tran
quility for a century or two, and drank
so much bee r that he was finally chan
ged in o a beer barrel.
The Average Barber.
He is iu a State of perspiration and
is greasy ; he wears a paper collar, his
fingers are pudgy, and his nails are in
mourning, evidently for some near rela
tion ; he snips and snips away, pinch
ing your ears, nipping eyelashes
and your jaws until you think he must
have cut off enough hair to fill a mat
tress. He always says, “Shampoo,
sir ?” to which you say, “ No,” and he
says, u Eh, sir ?” to which you reply,
“No !” two octaves higher. “ Head’s
very dirty, sail,” to which, if you have
experience, you respond, “ L always
have it so,” and cut off further debate.
But he has his revenge. He draws his
fingers in a pot of ax'e grease, scented’
with musk and age, and before you can
divine his fearful intent, smears it all
over your head, and rubs it in until you
look like an animated gunswab Then
he showers weak hay rum down your
back and over your shirt, ingeniously
arranges your locks in a way that
would make Socrates look like a thun
der blasted idiot, and collects his sti
pend with an air of virtuous condescen
sion. As you put yo- r hat on, you are
assaulted by a small boy with a large
brush, v\ ho punches you in the abdo
men with the straw end ; raps your ribs
with the handle, and conducts his move
merits with such masterly strategy ohat
you must fall over him, or pit ; ably
bribe him witli ten cents to let you
out.
—
Flinging Shadows.
We have no more right to fling an
unnecessary shadow over the spirit of
those with whom we have to do, than
we have to fling a stone and injure
them. Yet this flinging shadows is a
very common sin. and one to which wo
men are particularly addicted Oh,
wha‘ a blessing is a merry, cheerful wo
man in a household ! One whose spir
its are not aff cted by wet days, or little
disappointments, or whose milk of hu
mau kindness does not sour in the sun
shine of prosperity. Such a woman in
the darkest hours brightens the house
like a little piece of sunshiny weather
The magnetism of her smile, the elec
trical brightness of her looks and move
ments infect every one. The children
go to sciool with a sense of something
great to be achieved ; her husband goes
into the world in a enuquerer’s spirit.
No matter how peopleworry and annoy
him all day, far off her presence shines,
and he whispers to himself, “ At home
I shall find rest ” So day by day she
literally renews his strength and ener
gy and if you know a man with a
beaming face, a kind heart and prosper
ous business, in nine cases out of ten
you will find that he has a wife of this
kind. For nothing is more certain
than that the man who is married must
ask his wife fur permission to be happy
and wealthy.
A story is told of Andrew Jackson
by Governor Wise, who admired him
greatly, th-t is illustrative of his char
acter. During the administration of
Mr. Monroe. Jackson, in command of
some troops, invaded Florida, and cap
tured Arbuthnot and Auibrister, two
Englishmen who. it was charged, inci
ted the Indians to depredations, just as
the carpet-baggers now in ite tbe ne
groes to riot. He at once ordered a
j court martial and bad them hung, with
but little time to prepare for their fu
ture place of abode. He was arraign
ed for the offense before the cabinet of
Mr. Monroe, and Mr Adams, the Sec
retary of the State, defended him on
the high ground of international law as
expounded by Grotius, Yattel and PufT
fendorf Jackson, who had quarreled
with Mr. Monroe was disposed to re
gard the matter as entirely personal.—
■ D—n Grotius ; d—n Puffendrof. d— n
Yattel,” said he; “this is a mere mat
s' between Jim Monroe and me.”
The Old Maid's Thermometer.
15— Anxious for coming out, and the
attentions of the other sex.
16— Begins to have some idea of the
tender passion.
17 — Talks of love in the cottage, and
disinterested affections.
18— Fances herself in love with some
handsome man who has flattered
her.
19— Is a little diffident on account of
being noticed.
20— Commence being f s’lion able.
21— iStill more confident iu her own at
tractions, aud expects a biilliaut
estubl shment.
22 Refuses a good offer, because he is
not a man ot fashion
23 — Flirts with every young man she
meets. A
24 — Wonders s.io is uot married.
25 Rather more circumspect iu her
conduct.
26 Begins to think a large fortune not
quite so indispensable.
27 Pieters the company of rational
men to flirting.
28— Wis es to be married in a quiet
way, with a comfortable income.
29 Almost despairs of entering the
marriage state.
30— Rather f'ea ful of being called an
“old maid.”
31— An additional love of dress.
32 Professes to dislike b.lls; finds it
difficult to get good partners.
33 Wouders how men can leave the
society of sensible women, to flirt
with a fool is girl.
34 Affects her good humor in her con
versation with men.
35 Jealous of ihe praise of women.
36 Quarrels with her frieud who is
lately married.
37 — Thinks herse f slighted in society.
38 — Likes to talk of her friend who is
lately married.
39 — 111 nature increases.
40— Very meddling and officious.
41 — If rich,as a “dernier resort,” makes
love to a young mau without for**
tune.
42 — Not succeeding, ‘ails against man
kind.
43 Partiality for cards, and scahdal
commences.
44 Severe against the manners of the
age.
4t> —Strong predilection for a clergy
man.
46 Euraged at his desertion.
47 — i/ecouies des, oudeut and ta.Ve" to
tea.
48— Turns all sensibility to cats aud
dogs.
49 iiriopi.s a uepndt.ot relation to ut
teud upon her feline and canine
nursery.
50—Goes to bed with a couple of hot
bricks to her feet
Tli£ proprietor of a lager beer saloon
in Brooklyn visited the clerk if justice
Deimar s police court, and thus made
kiiown his trouble :
“ Uf you pf ase let me tole you some
dings, unu ul you don’t dink i want him ;
by der statiuu huus den 1 don’t know
nodiuga.”
“Well what is it?” said Mr. Fooley,
the clerk.
“Veil, dis is him. Dere i> some young
fellow down in my store, uud they say
to me one night, ‘Peter, old poy, how s
piz V uud L says, ‘Nod goot,’ und den |
cue ol them says, ‘L,:t’s make it go t
let s put up a job ’ De under teilows
said ‘yah, uuii laughed, uud deu said dis
feller, ‘Pete, send your sou Tommy to
Dr. Breunan, uud tell him to cum right
quick down here ’ Veil, 1 send Tommy,
uud to make de pig story short, Dr.
Brennan comes, uud i like a tarn fool
oes wnat de puys tell me. I sav, 'Goot
day, doctor, how you vas ? und uf you
please look at mine cat.’ Den de poys all
laughs, und the and >ctor gets mad, und
“ 7 O ’
den he don’t gets mad und laughs, uud
calls all de poys together for peer. Dat
vas goot, but when I says he must give
me two tollers for de peer he laughs
und say. ‘O. dat is all right dat is yust
| i hat i for a professional visit,
d.it v.s a very nice j b y<>u put up on
me.’ Und de lelliows all laughs. Now,
Mr. Foley, what can I do about it?”
■‘Give it up,” says the clerk. “Come
around to-morrow, with an easier cou
uniiruui ”
Tradition has it that once in the
centuries gone by there lived a people
in comfort, elegance and a reasonably
high estate of civilization—the royal
Aztecs. Cortez came, Montezuma
called, their religion and their govern
ment were in peril, and leaving home
and comfort and country, these true
lieges of a sovereign whose throne rest
ed on the centuries, went down to
Mexico to fight for their traditions and
flag and faith —fought, and lost and
died. Cer'ain it is that in Pueblo
county, there are traces of civilization
and of substantial opulence, of which
ihe very tradition has passed away here,
and which is neither Spanish nor In
dian. Certain it is that while the In
dians, awed by the visible manifesta
tions of the hand uf God, came there to
worship on stated occasions, they did
not use it as one of their permanent
hunting grounds or winter abodes
For centuries it seems hardly to have
known the face of man as a dweller,
and now, at a flash, it is open to all the
world, and the silence of ages is broken
by all the confused orchestra of urnd
ern life—the scream of the locomotive,
the busy hum of industries, the whirl
of machinery, the sounds of the going
and revelry, the crack of the rifle, the
voice of prayer and praise, the music
of children’s voices, and the quiet
rhythm of happy homes!
The morning of life is Dot in our
youth, but it is that which makes hap
py —the love of goodness and truth.
Au Indian in Corsets.
An lndiao feceutiy called into a
Woodward Avenue store to sell some
baskets, and he was so persistent that
one of the clerks finally took down an
! old corset ad offered it to him if he
! would go away and buzz someone
else.
“ What he for ?” inquired Lo, as h
held up the corset.
•* Put him on squaw —make her look
i gay —here, this way,” replied the
clerk, passing tQe corset around the In*-
diau.
“ Ugh ! Him good 1” growled Lo,
und he took the corset and went out.—
Reasoning that what was good tor squaw
was good for ludiau, he slid into the
alley east of the aveuue, dro ped his
bucket and started to put (Hi .ai- Cor
set. He got si bottom side up, hind
side before, and every way but the
right one, but he finally saw what the
matter was. He was too big for the
corset. He removed his coat, took the
corset strings out, aud then clasping
thfe corset behind him he put the strings
back and tied them in front of him,
and the corset was on. He folded up
his coat, picked up his basket, and ap
peared on the street again, hat slanted
over his ear, and his look betraying his
great pride.
“Great goats! but what’s that?”
shouted the buys, as they caught sight
of him, and they laughed until they
fell down.
The Indian presehced a m >st laugha
ble spectacle as he passed up the ave
nue. but he stepped high and didn't
mind the boys, until a policeman Stop'
ped him aud a crowd gathered. Lo
then got it through his head that the
clerks had sold him, uud that he was
being made fun of, and he unlaced the
corset, threw it on the sidewalk in
great wrath and exclaimed :
“ Heap cuss—whoop I”
The Spider*
That boy is trying his hand on nat
ural history, aud the following is his la
test effort:
This is a inseck that catches flies in a
net like a fish net, but not in the water.
The net is called a web, and when it
catches dust instead of flies it is a cob
web. ihe spider knoes he is ugiy, Id
he st) as a good deal to home, but ugly
wimmen goes to church ana walkis m
streets more than pretty; but they aie
in the same busiuess, which is trappiu.’
In California they has spiders thatscorns
lo spin webs,but goes out to catch pray.
They are about the size of a girl baby,
and a lot izeßer. These are tai antu
lers. When an irijiu has bit himself with
a tar antuier he fills his skin with whis
ky and steals a blanket to rap hisself in,
and hunts a place ware his body will be
most in tbe way. Then he lies down,
and if the pizen don’t work all to once
he sings the deth song of the brave,and
that nocks him. We was told this to our
house by a traveler who said he guessed
be new a tarnal site about injins and tar
autulers though he hadn’t never bee.n to
c 1 ge. But Uncle Ned he says it is best
to git a good edducation first, and then
thro’ in injins and tar autulers accor
din’ to taste.
Stick to It.
Learn a trade, or get into a business,
and go at it wiih a determination that
defies failure, and you will succeed.—
Don’t leave it because hard blows are
to be struck or disagreeable work to be
performed. Those who have worked
their way up to wealth and usefulness
do not belong to the shiftless and un
stable class, and if you do not work
while a young man, as an old man you
will he nothing. Work with a will,
and conquer your prejudices against la*
bor, and manfully bear the heat and
burden of the day It may be hard
the first week, but after that I assure
you it wiil become a pleasure, and you
will feel enough better satisfied with
yourself to pay for ail the trials of a
beginning. Lot perseverance and in
dustry be your motto, and with a steady
applic ition to business you need have
no fear for the future. Don’t be
ashamed of vour plain clothes, provided
you have earned them. They are far
more beautiful in the estimation of all
honest men and women than the costly
gew-gaws sp o ted by some people at the
expense of the confiding tailor. The
people who respect you only when well
clad, wiil be the first to run from you
in the hour of adversity.
A Poor Opinion of Lions. —Dr.
Livingstone is said to have expressed
the utmost contempt for lions “ You
talk about the majesty of the lion,”
said he chattering one day at a party in
London with Sir Edwin Landseer, “but
you do not know the heist. There is
no more majesty about him in the foi
st than there i£ about that poodle.
It is all poetry. Lions are arrant cow
ards —c ‘vardly, sneaking beasits. You
can hardly tell a lion from a donkey.—
When you come upon a lion suddenly
he tucks his tail between his legs and
bolts. He will spring upon you if be
comes upon you unawares, and can
have time to crouch, but if a man has
courage to look a lion in the face, you
need not even cock your rifle.”
A Word to Boys. —Boys, did you
ever think that this world, with its
wealth and woe, with all its mines
and mountains, oceans, seas, ar.d
rivers with all its shippings, its steam
boats railroads and magnetic telegraphs,
and all its mil ions of grouping tnenjand
all the science and progress of ages—
will soon be given over to boys of the
present age—boys like you.. Believe it,
and look abroad upon your inheritance,
and get ready to enter upon its possess
ion. The presidents, kings, governors,
statesmen, pholosophers.minishr teach
ers, men of the future—all, are boys
00*.
How Jackson Green Deceived kis Poor
Old Grand‘S*eH
Jackson Green is fourteen years old,
and he lives on Sixth street. The oth*
er day while reading a dime novel, his
grandfather came in with the paper and
asked him to read the President’s mes
sage. It irritated Jackson to the.k off
his story just where tlie trapper was
goi.ig to be scalped, so he made up his
mind to have revenge on his grand
father. He took up the paper and
started off as follows :
“ The business of the Patent Office
shows a steady increase. Since 1536
over 155,000 patents have beeir issued.
Officer Duck, of the station-house, wan's
it distinctly understood that he is not
the Duck confined there a few days since
as a lunatic.”
“ What!” exclaimed the old man, “is
that in the message ?”
“ Right here—every word of it!” re
plied Jackson And he continujd :
“ The business of the agricultural
bureau is rapidly growing, and the de
partment grounds are being enlarged,
aud the highest prize in a Chinese lot
tery is twenty-uine cents, and the man
who draws it has his name in the paper,
and is looked upon as a heap of a fel
low.”
“What! what is that?” roared the
old man. “ I never heard of such a
message as that!’’
“ I can’t help it,” replied Jackson ;
“ you asked me to read the President’s
message and I’m reading it.” And he
went on :
“ During the year 5,758 applications
for army invalid pensions were allowed
at an aggregate annual rate of $39,-
332. and kerosene oil is the best furni
ture oil; it cleanses, adds a polish and
preserves from the ravages of in
sects.”
“ Lor’ save me ! but I never hoard of
the likes before !” exclaimed the old
mau. “ I’ve read every President’s
message smee Jackson’s time, but 1
never saw anything like this !”
“ Well, I didn’t write the message/’
replied Jackson, and he continued :
“ During the year 3,204,314 acres of
the public domain were certified to
railroads, against over 6,000,000 acres
the preceding year, and you w ill save
money by buying your Christmas pres
ents in the brick block ; fine toys of ev
ery description at reduced prices.”
“Jackson Green, does that message
read that way?” inquired the old man.
“You and. n tsuppose I’d lie to you, do
you ?” inquired Jackson, putting on an
injured look.
“ Well, it seems singular,” mused the
old man,” “ I shouldn’t wonder if
Grant was tired when lie wiote that.”
Jackson went on :
“ There are 17,620 survivors of the
war of iBl2 on the pension rolls, at a
total annual rate of $,691,520, and
still another lot of those one dollar felt
skirts ; they go like hot cakes on a cold
morning.”
“Hold on, Jackson stop right
there !” said the old man as he rose up:
“ you needn’t read another word of that
message. If General Graut thinks he
can insult the \merican people with
impunity, he will find himself mistaken.
You may throw the pap r in the stove,
Jack-on, and let this be an awful ex*
ample to you nevei to taste intoxicating
drinks ”
Jackson tossed the paper away and
resumed his dime novel, while the old
gent leaned back and pondered on the
degradation of men in high place o .
Detroit Free Press.
Selling British Officers.
At the encampment of British troops
in the province of Bajepore, in the
East Indies, one of' the officers had a
horse stolen, but the thief missing the
road before he got out of sight of the
tents, was detected and fetched back.
The gentlemari*highly pleased at re.,
covering the horse, and much surprised
at the doxteri y of the fellow who car
ried him from the midst of six or sev
en files of grooms, was more inclined
to admire his address and expertuess
than to punish him.
Next morning his resentment having
entirely subsided, he yielded to his cu
rios ty. He ordered the fellow, there
fore, to be brought before him, and en
quired by what contrivance he had ef
fected his purpose.
The fellow replied, he could not wei l
tell his honor, but if he pleased he
would show him.
“ Well, then said the officer, “since
you are so bad at description, we will
see how you do it.”
“Now, cir, pray take notice. This
is the way I crawled over the grooms
The next thing was to !o .sen their
ropes behind, which I did thus. I t v f ;
clapped a halter, observe, sir, if you
please, over his neck thus.”
“ Admirably clever, by Jove !” cries
the officer, laughing and rubbing his
hands.
“ In this manner,” continued the fel
low, “ I jumped upon his back, and
when once I am mounted, I give any
man leave to eaten me who can.”
In saying this he gave the horse a
kick, pushed him through the gaping
crowd, put him to his full speed, and
carried him off.
•Paddy’s Mistake.— A couple of
Irishmen wishing to obtain a little ex
tra pocket money,-determined to go in
to the country during harvest time and
work among the farmers. Encounter
ing ■ kindly-looking man of this class,
they made applications for employment.
“ Cam you cradle ?” asked the farmer.
Now an Irishman in search of work
was never known to confess ignorance
of anything ; but this question was a
puzzler. The boys looked at each oth
er. as if for a suggestion. At length
Denis, looking boldly at the farmer, said:
“ Of course we can cradle, but nud
dent you give us a job out-doors ?”
ABVERTISI R VIES.
For each square uf ten lines or le?*
for the first insertion, sl, for each sub
sequent insertion, fifty cents.
No.Sq’rs | 1 Mo. [ 8 Mos. j 6 Mge j 1 year.
TVo $4.00" $7.00 | $i2.00~ $20.06
Four “ 6.00 10.00 | 18.00 85.00
I column 9.00 15.00 25.00 40.06
{ “ 15.00 25.00 40.00 65.00
L “ 25.00 40-00 65.00 115.00
Ten lines of solid brevier, or its
equivalent in space, make a square.
NO. 24.
MISCELLANEOUS.
Glory is well enough for a rich man,
but it is of very little consequence to a
man with a large family.
Silas Card was married the other
day, and backed on his wedding notices
were the words, “No Cards But he
doesn’t knew what might hapjieri.
A Dubuque man offers to go out
praying with the sick at $3 per day,and
adds : —“Or I will drive a team, break
colts, or run a ciaer mill.”
A Chicago preacher has locked him
self up in the fourth story, and draws
his meals up by a bed cord. He
they can’t get I? t' “c 1 clavier'* •
him.
A TrtOY man has the presence of
mind to warm his nose by a coal stove
before kissing his wife, and a Boston
man always waits until he can chew a
clove.
Young Ddy up town has and C rded
the use of false hair, and thrown away
tier chignon, with the remark, “ 1 here s
millions in it.” Very probable.—RWi-
Chronicle.
Ladies should remember to keep
their mouths shut when going out of a
warm room into the cool air. In fact it
wouldn’t hurt anything to keep thetoi
shut most of the time.
“ What you been a doin’?” asked a
boy of his playmate, whom he saw
coming out of the house with tears in
his oyes. “ I’ve been a chasin’ a bitch
rod round my father,” was the Etiarhtig
reply.
A boy read Spurgeon’s declaration
that a “ cigar is a thing to thank God
for,” and invested his two nickels in
one. He was next seen leaning over
a goods box, but he was not giving
thanks.
A man whose wife hung herself in
bis presence, on being asked why he
did not prevent the tragedy, replied :
“ I cut her down three times last week,
and I can’t be always cutting her
down.”
A C.nada man tied his dog to the
end of a rear car the other day, and
tfien bet the beast could keep up with
the (kid. Change ic try? when they
got to Detroit, the dor was ahead —
there was nothing else left of him.
When three nos ed men rode up to
a Missouri cabin arid wanted to knew
if they could see Geoige Jackson for
about a minute, George rose from be
hind a log, laid out two with his shot
gun and yelled to the third that he and
call at his office next day.
As m} #rfe at the window one bead
tiful day, stood watching a man with
a monkey, a cart came along with a
broth of a boy, who was driving a stout
little donkey. T6’ my wife then I
spoke, by way of a joke, “ There’s a
relation of yours in that carriage.”#To
which she replied, “ Ah yes ! a relation
by fcmrriagd.”
“ Suppose I should quii you about
your bald head, you wouldn’t get mad,
would you ?” said a young fop to an in
digent old man, in a railway depot. —
“ Not at all ; I should only just say
that when iny head gets as soft as
yourn, 1 kin raise ha’r tew sell, or
somethin’ o’ that sort,” smilingly repli
ed the old man.
“How much is your stick candy?’
inquired a boy of a candy dealer.—-
“ Six sticks for five cents,” “ Six
sticks for five cents, eh ? Now, lem’me
see, Six sticks fer five cents, five fer
four cents, four fer three cents, three
fer two cents two fer one cent, one for
nothin’. I’ll take one.” And he
walked out leaving the candy Pfa’. 1 ? . n z
s6a<W of bewilderment.
A married man, hearing that the
ef.ting of certain kinds of animal food
would aid the same tissues of the hu
man body—as for instance, calves’
brains would nourish the eater’s brains,
or beef’s liver the eater’s liver—-imme
diately gave stnbt o r&tii to Mb !
that no more tongue of any kind
should bo sold to his wife or mother 4 in
law.
“ lam come for my umbrella,” said
the lender of it on a rainy day to a
friend. “Can’t help that,” sail the bor
rower ; ” “ don’t you see that I am go
ing out with it ?” “ Well, yes,” re
plied the lender, astonished at such
outrageous imprudence ; yes; but—
i but—what am ltodo ?” “ Do?” said
the other, as he opened the umbrella,
and walked off, “ do a a I did—borrow
one.”
; . ..
The Detroit Press says: The fireman
of the steam heating apparatus at the
Central Depot yeetevday found a penny
as he was raking tver the Htd as‘ ir 1
the furnace, so he took it up with the
tongs and placed it on a bench outside
to cool when a heavy mau named John-
Kin, living in Sagiuaw came along. 110
was talking business U> a fAv.r' ‘ at d‘?u:
he came to the bench ho en
tails and sat down on the penny .remark
ing : “As I was saying, you can have
forty acres f r —whoop ! Thun Jer* oe and
blazes—ouch —dash it —gosh to whoop !”
He galloped around in wild arnsbe
men, the hot penny sticking to him ‘ike
a brother, and it was two or three min
utes before any one found out whether
he had cropped down upon a tack or
been bitten by a dog. There was r- -
heavy aroma of burnt cloth and blister -
ed meat,and Mr. Johnson stretched forth
his arn and exclaimed that be should
devote the remaindes of his life to hunt
ing down the 'lend' who planned tb
waylay him.