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MOVIE DOPE’S TOP AND BOTTOM ID FILMS OF 1994
Keep in mind that I have yet to see several films that are considered some of the best of the
year, so if I leave out Red, Cobb, immortal Beloved. To Live, and Vanya on 42nd Street, it is
because I just haven't seen them yet.
THE BEST
1. Heavenly Creatures • Certainly cinema's finest two hours in the past twelve months.
Peter Jackson's funny and horrifying true story of young girls in New Zealand.
2. Hoop Dreams • This is the greatest documentary I have ever seen; two boys grow up.
play high school bail, and get recruited right in front of our eyes. LHorgettabte.
3. Pulp Fiction • Most people like this film because it's actually good, not because they're
supposed to. Sam Jackson deserves special attention.
4. Ed Wood • Fumy, heartfelt, and zany, Tim Burton finally made a film worth watching.
5. Death and the Maiden • Roman Polanski's latest is a brilliant adaptation of a stage play
starring Sigourney Weaver and Ben Kingsley.
6. Bullets Over Broadway • Diane Weist wiH win a much-deserved Oseev for her hilariously
inspired performance in this winner from Woody Allen.
7. CrooWyn • Even Spike Lee's smaller films are a |oy to watch. Little Zelda Harris is incred
ible, and the soundtrack is phat.
•. The Last SedietIon • Sleazy film noir at Its finest. Linda Florentine kicks much booty in
this feminist crime tale.
t. Nobody's Fool • Paul Newman’s slick as ever In Robert Benton's gentle drama perfect for
older audiences.
10. Sirens • Australian director John Duigan's comedy with Hugh Grant and Sam Neill is a
great satire on the religious condemnation of art.
THE WORST
1. The Specidist • Good heavens. It would take a team of scientists to figure out how to
make a movie this incompetent.
2. Ace Ventura • Farting, homophobia, and crudeness led Jim Garrey to stardom this year.
I'm moving to Canada.
3. Wagons East • John Candy went to the grave with this lump of crap on his record. It's
even worse than Uncle Buck.
4. Eight Seconds • The director of Rocky has deteriorated into making a stupid third-rate
rodeo movie.
5. Junior • Not only is there nothing remotely funny about Arnold Schwarzeneggar being
pregnant, but Emma Thompson embarrasses her country in less than 100 minutes.
4. Trial By Jury • You'd have to see the climax to believe me. 'Oh. is that a gun?" Boom!
"Hey!'
7. Beverly Hits Cop 3 • Why. Eddie, why? Say it ain't so!
•. The Chase • Charlie Sheen drives Kristy Swanson around in a car for 90 minutes while
Henry Rollins makes a fool of himself. Great idea.
9. PCU • A more unrealistic campus than Higher Learning and a much more abhorrent
message: beer will bring us together.
10. True Lies • A hundred and twenty million dollars wasted on racism and sexism. Kind of
sounds like the government...
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TV WfTTCW
Name: "The Mike and Maty Show*
Date and Time of Screening: Dec. 18,1994,2 a m.
Premise and Key Players: Similar to 'Regis and Kathie Lee,' this is a
variety show featuring guest appearances, videotaped gags and fun
with viewer mail. Mike, also the host of the landmark infomercial se
ries 'Amazing Discoveries,' provides the show its resident wiseass, and
bedrock foundation. His partner in crime, Maty, evidently bent on suc
ceeding Dick dark in his “world's oldest teenager' capacity, giggles uncontrollably at everything
from her own outlandish wardrobe to Mike's renowned Norwegian accent, the program's acknowl
edged comic staple.
During the opening segment of the show, Mike and Maty introduced us via satellite to Richard
Romtiski, the 'Picasso of Puzzles.' Romtiski, a mean-spirited albino, bragged that his was the only
line of work he could think of where he was rewarded for "tormenting and anguishing the feeble
populace,' causing Maty to erupt into spasms of hysterical laughter.
The second guest was a Dr. Richards from the 'People's Medical Society,' appearing in order to
endorse flu shots and thorough hand washing. That, coupled with his advice that 'all citizens disinfect
their toothbrushes with bleach,' made this medical segment the strongest and most informative of
the entire program, although an obviously disinterested Mike detracted somewhat' om the gravity of
Dr. Richards' message by repeatedly referring to the pediatrician as “bitch.'
The puzzling third segment featured Mike an Maty wearing white gloves, angrily taunting one an
other with Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers action figures. After a few short moments of this troubling
madness. Maty appeared dazed and the studio audience began to boo. There was a sudden com
mercial brook. Upon resumption of the program, the next guest recited recipes while ostensibly bak
ing the ‘World's first edible fruitcake.' After no clarification was offered with regard to this mystifying
assertion, the studio audience became inconsolably angry, and their loud protests began to drown
out the dialogue on-stage. Unable to contend with the rebellious audience, the producers called a
halt to the taping, and the program, usually an hour long, ran only 41 minutes.
Evaluation: recommended. In my mind, the lingering question is this: Whafs up with (Maty? Is she
supposed to be clean-cut, or appealingly loose? Either way you look at it, seeing her decked out in a
jockey's uniform (minus riding crop) 28 years old going on 12, sure makes for arresting viewing. No
fewer than four times during the broadcast, Maty was lying prone on the floor, her face cranberry red,
shrieking and convulsing in response to patently unhumorous statements. While !fs certainly possible
to comprehend the studio audience's discomfort. I am at a loss to explain the extent to or violence with
which they turned on the program. Evidently, they felt incited. So intrinsic is Mike's grasp of Irony that
he comprehends the great comedic truth that in the midst of lunacy, the wittiest remarks are the ones
that aren't fumy at all. Or maybe I've got that wrong. Here's the best part: Pocked with subversive
subtext, but doaked in the gar b of a typical talk show format. Mike and Maty cannot be regulated. It’s
like the FCCs worst nightmare. It's also recently appeared In mine.
Timothy Bracy
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