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aside the skank factor for a minute. Push the word skank
out of your brain. Don't even consider that aspect.
Because this is about something much bigger. We are drifting into a
dangerous realm. Think about what this means for adolescent males
across the country.
If teenage boys suddenly seem more terminally angst-ridden
than normal, it doesn't take a gaggle of pointy-headed
shrinks to figure the Why. Their already bleak vision of
the future is being ravaged. At this rate they'll have
nothing left.
Just peep under Junior's mattress. The whole sordid
tale is there, tucked away in his stash of sticky-paged
skin mags. A few months ago, Darva Conger posed nude
in Playboy. Now Paula Jones peels for the December issue
of Penthouse.
Paula Freakin' Jones!
My God, what ever happened to quality control in this
country? What about standards? Isn't there an Anti-Skank
Commission overseeing the soft porn industry?
For curious teens, still dazed and groggy from the
whole puberty experience, Playboy and Penthouse have
provided an Intro to Women: 101 course for decades. All
hormoned up with nowhere to go, stroke books helped us
decipher the wondrous and unpredictable female gender,
not only by straightforward explanations such as the
Turn-Ons/Turn-Offs list, but by subtle visual clues
gleaned from the photo shoots.
Women love long walks, whipped cream, anything
done by candlelight and men with a sense of humor. They
don't much care for liars, pushy people, loud people,
people who take up two parking places and pushy, loud,
lying sonsofbitches who can't park worth a damn.
Women prefer to engage in almost every activity
nude, including housework, belt sanding, ping pong or
studying for their med school finals. They also seem to enjoy strad
dling things like saddles, Harleys and farm equipment, either nude
or clad only in a whisper of lingerie.
All women are bisexual or, at least, bi-curious. They are prone to
drop whatever they are doing to make passionate, writhing lesbian
love with their college roommates. It's like they can't help them
selves. Probably because they are both so constantly naked.
This was vital information to have. Maybe these kinky she-crea-
tures weren't so complicated after all.
Of course, at that time. Playboy and Penthouse bristled with the
elite of feminine sexuality, a stunning array of beauty queens,
supermodels, starlets, coeds, cheerleaders and pin-up girls. All of
them flawless, fabulous and freakishly stacked. Their breasts floating
off the pages like nippled blimps and into the fantasy world of the
hormonally-raging man-child. These were divine, exquisite women.
Guys used to whip their willy to Marilyn Monroe, for enssake!
That was the stuff that dreams were made of. And it filled young
men everywhere with a sense of hope, gave purpose to their lives. It
kept their spirits and man-tools aloft. We could see just how close
we were to scoring with the Playmate of the Month because, hells-
bells, we also liked long walks, especially since flunking out of
Driver's Ed. Candles were cool, we knew a bunch of Yo Mama jokes
and if the whipped cream-wielding roommate wanted to join in, no
problem.
Now what? Kids today are supposed to ogle gold-dig
ging shrews and lot lizards like Jones and Conger? What
kind of message does Paula Jones flashing her sad hick
beaver in Penthouse send to impressionable teenage
boys? Aim low, dudes. Settle for less. Think about turning
gay. Life's a beast, then you yank off to one.
Is this some kind of vast right wing conspiracy to
eliminate hard-ons?
No wonder this generation is disenfranchised and
adrift. They have nothing left to strive for. Without the
natural stress relief that comes from a daily baloney bop
ping, they're a quivering mass of sexual frustration.
Nothing is so tragic as the unpaddled pickle, the
unslapped clown.
Pulling the goalie is an affirmation of one's bur
geoning masculinity. It is a celebration of all things
phallic and testosterone-flavored. It's what separates
man from the animals. Except monkeys, of course, the
furry little spank-wagons.
It is a rite of passage that must be protected.
Hopefully, this new reality porn is just an aberration, an
off-shoot of reality television which ruled the airwaves
this past summer. Because if this trend continues, it
might lead the current generation of teen males to begin
fantasizing about, gulp... something other than surgi
cally-sculpted, digitally-airbrushed, silicone-enhanced
fem-droids.
And that's just not right. It's not natural.
If God wanted man to lust after less than perfect looking
women, He never would have invented the breast implant. Let us
not question His wisdom. Boy< ott the Paula Jones Penthouse issue.
Just say No to low-rent Ho
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