Newspaper Page Text
6A
♦ WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2007
Children often fight to
Sometimes I feel as
though my children fight
and argue as a method of
attracting my attention.
If this is the case, how
should I respond?
DOBSON: You are prob
ably correct in making that
assumption. Sibling rivalry
often represents a form of
manipulation of parents.
Quarreling and fighting pro
vide an opportunity for both
children to “capture” adult
attention. It has been writ
ten: “Some children would
rather be wanted for mur
der than not wanted at all.”
Toward this end, a pair of
obnoxious kids can tacitly
agree to bug their parents
until they get a response
- even if it is an angry reac
tion.
One father told me that
his son and his nephew
began to argue and then beat
20 years only the beginning
By GLYNN MOORE
Morris News Service
Two decades ago, a young
boy who lived in the apart
ment next to mine asked me
why I was dating JoAn. I told
him what I had realized since
early in our long, long court
ship: She was the best person
I had ever met.
We recently celebrated
our 20th wedding anniver
sary, and she still is the best.
She’s not perfect, I’ve discov
ered, but she certainly beats
me. (Not literally, most of
the time, so don’t call 911
just yet). We have put a lot
into those 20 years, and in
some ways it seems that
we’ve been married forev
er (she would say “forever,
and then some”). Perhaps
that’s because we dated for
so many years. Our employer
wouldn’t let its workers be
related, so we waited until I
found a new job.
It was the second go
around for both of us, and
we brought children to the
union. I had a son, and JoAn
was working two jobs, night
and day, to support her three
kids. I admired her nearly as
much as I loved her.
We were set in our ways
from having lived alone for
years. She insisted on keep
ing her own time and space
for reading, and that was
fine with me; between us,
we keep the public library in
business.
Despite years of my nag
ging, she still won’t cook me
anything that includes may
onnaise nor tolerate its addi
tion to a restaurant sandwich
(as a generation of dazed,
crippled waiters will attest).
Despite years of her nagging,
I’m still not neat and orga
nized (as everyone we both
know will attest).
I am blessed with a woman
who will window-shop for
clothes for hours; on the rare
day she actually buys some
thing, however, she usually
returns it.
On the other hand, I love
to shop (for groceries, not
clothes) and don’t mind
concocting unusual dishes,
although I make no pretense
at cooking, either.
I gn
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Dr. James
Dobson
Focus on the Family
each other
with their
fists. Both
fathers
were near
by and
decided
to let the
fight run
its natural
course.
During
the first
lull in the action, one of
the boys glanced sideways
toward the passive men and
said, “Isn’t anybody going
to stop us before we get
hurt?!”
The fight, you see, was
something neither boy want
ed. Their violent combat was
directly related to the pres
ence of the two adults and
would have taken a different
form if the boys had been
alone. Children will “hook”
Since we bought our
house, she has developed a
passion for gardening and
could spend every day until
dark planting, watering, fer
tilizing, trimming, weeding
and digging. I get tired just
watching her, so I try to hang
out indoors near the TV set.
She can’t figure out the
TV remote. I can’t figure out
the bills. We’ve been through
a lot in 20 years. Looking
for jobs and houses. Moving
from one town to another
and from one side of town to
the other. Driving long trips
to visit our relatives.
Digging out from a flood.
Attending school plays
and fall carnivals. Getting
all the kids together for
Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Rushing to our hometowns
for the deaths of my parents
and hers, of her brother and
then mine. Speeding to hos
pitals for the birth of one
grandchild after another.
Twenty years ago, we decid
ed to have and to hold from
that day forward. We’ve gone
through better and worse;
financial poverty but familial
wealth; sickness and health.
Loving, cherishing, arguing,
making up. Getting gray hair
(well-deserved) and wrinkles
(never deserved by anyone
- ever).
Through it all, JoAn is still
the best person I have ever
met, and I’d like to think
that after 20 years, we’re just
getting started.
Reach Glynn Moore at
glynn.moore@morris.com.
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their parents’ attention and
intervention in this way.
Believe it or not, this form
of sibling rivalry is easiest
to control. The parent must
simply render the behavior
unprofitable to each partici
pant. I would recommend
that you review the prob
lem (for example, a morn
ing full of bickering) with
the children, and then say,
“Now listen carefully. If the
two of you want to pick on
each other and make your
selves miserable, then be
my guest (assuming there
is a fairly equal balance
of power between them).
Go outside and fight until
you’re exhausted. But it’s
not going to occur under my
feet anymore. It’s over! And
you know that I mean busi
ness when I make that kind
of statement. Do we under
stand each other?”
TOWERY
From page 4A
Use the old debate tech
nique of doing everything
in threes. In other words,
if asked what your plan is
on energy, say, “I have three
major ideas or points” and
DANIELS
From page 4A
Marriage takes work. It
takes intentionality. The
good news is that the payoff
for making it work has so
many positive benefits for
each spouse. A healthy mar
riage means a more satisfying
relationship and a healthier
body.
And may I just add a quick
note to the single person
reading this: choose well
: mi -
in 1
raSl
OPINION
get parents' attention
Having made the boundar
ies clear, I would act decisive
ly the instant either child
returned to his bickering. If
I had separate bedrooms, I
would confine one child to
each room for at least 30
minutes of complete boredom
without radio, computers or
television. Or I would assign
one to clean the garage and
the other to mow the lawn.
Or I would make them take
a nap. My purpose would be
to make them believe me the
next time I asked for peace
and tranquility.
It is simply not necessary
to permit children to destroy
the joy of living. And what
is most surprising is that
children are the happiest
when their parents enforce
reasonable limits with love
and dignity.
Do you think it is
healthy for a husband
then state clearly what they
ar^.
That way you might say
something innovative or at
least confirm to us that you
have nothing to say at all.
Under those rules - and I
can’t believe I’m saying this
- Ron Paul would likely eat
everyone’s lunch. That’s a
whom you will marry. As you
can see, your decision will
affect more than just your
emotional well-being.
We hear a lot about the cri
sis in health care these days.
Perhaps hospitals, doctors
and health insurance com
panies should add to their
message of healthy living the
importance of maintaining a
healthy marriage.
Children would benefit
from this message too. After
all, kids who grow up in a
family with their happily
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and wife to work together
and to be in each other’s
company 24 hours a day?
DOBSON: That sometimes
works out fine. It depends on
the individual couple. I can
tell you, however, what is
typical.
According to behavioral
researchers, the healthiest
marriages and those with
the highest sexual voltage
are those that “breathe”
- relationships that move
from a time of closeness and
tenderness to a more dis
tant posture, and then come
together for another reunion
as the cycle concludes.
This is why it’s not always
advantageous for a husband
and wife to work together or
to concentrate exclusively on
one another in the absence
of friends and colleagues
outside the family. There is
something about the diversi
statement that would send
shivers up the spine of
Washington’s self-appointed
political elite.
Matt Towery served as the
chairman of former Speaker
Newt Gingrich’s political
organization from 1992 until
Gingrich left Congress. He is'
a former Georgia state repre-
married mom and dad are
more likely to be healthy
than kids who do not.
Work hard to make your
marriage the best it can be. I
can’t think of a better way to
ensure a long and happy life.
Georgia Family Council
is a non-profit organization
that works to strengthen and
defend the family in Georgia
by equipping marriage advo
cates, shaping laws, prepar
ing the next generation and
influencing culture. For more
information, go to www.geor
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HOUSTON HOME JOURNAL
ty of interests and activities
by each partner that keeps
a couple from consuming
one another and buming
out the relationship in the
short-run.
Marriage is, after all, a
marathon and not a sprint.
Husbands and wives need to
maintain a regenerating sys
tem that will keep love alive
for a lifetime. Cultivating
a healthy interest in many
things is one big step in that
direction.
Dr. Dobson is founder and
chairman of the board of
the nonprofit organization
Focus on the Family, P.O. Box
444, Colorado Springs, CO.
80903; or www.family.org.
Questions and answers are
excerpted from The Complete
Marriage and Family
Home Reference Guide and
Bringing Up Boys, both pub
lished by Tyndale House.
sentative, the author of several
books and currently heads the
polling and political informa
tion firm Insider Advantage.
To find out more about him
and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writ
ers and cartoonists, visit the
Creators Syndicate website at
www.creators.com.
giafamily.org, 770-242-0001,
stephen@gafam.org.
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