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Up-to—Date Jokes
“Jt says here: ‘Onc of the idois
most revered by the Koreans is ine
figure of a woman, wqfh-d, resting her
chin in her hand,’"” said Mrs. Chat
terley, reading from the newspaper.
“Which proves that the Koreans are
about the wisest nation on earth’”
suggested her hushand,
“How's that, Joshua?”
“Well' smald Mr. Chatterley, with
distincet emphasis, “simply because
they inake a deity of a woman who
has sense enough to give her chin a
rest.”
* * =
The village orchestra was gehears
ing. The passage was marked 'pp,”
but the cornet player was blowing
away as if his life depended on it.
The new conductor, after an ear
svliting blast which effectualiy
drowned the sound of all the other
instruments, leaned over to SO
whether the cornet part was properly
marked. Yesg, it was.
“My good man,” said he, approach
ing the subject diplomatically, “what
do you understand ‘ff' to mean?”
“Kull force!” answered the rustic,
This was unexpected, but it might
pass.
“Then what does ‘pp’ stand for?”
“Plenty of power,” was the illumi
nating reply.
* * "
An Irish recruit, visiting the med
ical officer with his face badly swol
len, said:
“I want to know what's the matter
with my tooth, sir.”
The medical officer looked at the
offending molar and informed the re
cruit that the nerve of the tooth was
dead.
“Well, by hivvins,” replied the re
cruit, “the others must be holdin' a
wake over it!”
A Scottish farmer of a miserly dis
position bought a horse at a fair. On
his way home he thought a drink of
water would refresh it, so he got a
pail of water, but the animal would
not take it. When he got home he
offered it a feed of corn, but to his
surprise iy would not touch that,
either.
“Weel,” he muttered to himself, “if
only T was sure ye were a guid work
er, ye're the verra horse for me.”
* * *
The heiress was about to marry a
penniless peer. To him she said:
“My dear, I'm rather a new woman,
you know; so do you mind asking the
Bishop to omit the word ‘cbey’ in our
wedding ceremony ?”
Lord Lacland stroked his mustache,
smiled cynically, and answered:
#No, I don't mind, my love. Tl
just tell the old boy to make it ‘love,
honor and supply.'”
* * *
“According to this paper,” observed
Mr, Goodwin, “a man has lived a year
on beer alone.”
“Well, that's as it should be,” ob
served Mrs, Goodwin, “Any man who
lives on beer ought to pe compelled
to live alone.”
* w *
An amusing story is told of a Dav
vonshire man who invited a Socialist
to visit his istate and see what he'
had done for the villagers.
As they crove about the men
touched their hats and the boys and
girls “bohbed” and curtsied,’
Soon they passed a man smoking
his pipe, who took no notice eof the
'squire,
“Ah!” said the Socialist, “that's the
sort of man for me. No bowing and
scraping.”
“No." replied the 'squire, “that's the
village idiot.”
And so he was.
C e bbb
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How Heme Mixing
Makes B i
Makes huropean
oy
Farmers PI'OSpP!‘O[IS
They buv straight materials and
mix them into balanced fertilizers
containing two or three times as much
)
I fl itrate
as high-priced American complete
fertilizers contain. Your fertilizer
should contain 4% of active nitro
gen. Does it?
On land farmed for centuries,
England raises 33 bushels of wheat
per acre. We raise but 14. Europe
imports 100% active Nitrate of Soda.
You use dried blood, tankage only
60% to 70% active and you pay
more for it.
“Home Mixine" is a book to help you
increase your vields. Send your address
to me on a postal card,
Dr. WM. S. MYERS
Director Chilean Nitrate Propaganda
25 Madisdn Ave. New York
No Branch Offices
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Self-love never wins the admi
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* - *
When our own fingers close on
eraft, it generally feels like a re
ward of merit.
* * *
The fact that a man needs a
haircut is no sign of genius. His
wife may have neglected to re
mind him of it
Sl e e e
Ae Precision.
A New York physician, who has re
cently transterred his activities to the
Hub, tells of a Bostonian who, like
most of his townsmen, is d& precision
in the matter of English, and who
had cecasion not long ago to consult
the aforesaid doctor.
After ascertainment of symptoms,
the phyeician said:
“\What you need, more than any
thing else, is a tonic in the shape of
fresh air.”
Whereupon the Hubbite waxed sar
castic, and inquired:
“Before we proceed further, would
vou mind telling me what is the shape
of fresh air?” 4
Could Be Trusted.
There is a certain Ohio judge whose
wit has enlivened many a dull case,
On one oceasion counsel made in his
court this statement on behalf of a
plaintiff of somewhat bibulous ap
pearance:
“My client, your honor, is a most
remarkable mman, and h({lds a very re
sponsible position; he is manager of
o waterworks”
After a survey of the client, his
honor replied:
“Yes; he looks like a man who
could e trusted with any amount of
woter,”
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