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o - - By George McManus
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N 41 INDOOR_ SPORTS
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; é_:—:-’f.;,dul?ea HELPING A PAL
ot o e Y
E:‘:E.‘“‘.z% TO SELL A DO G
When some people wish to express
disdain, they say of a man, “I doa't
see what there is in him,” giving one
the impression that man is as inscru
table in his make-up as a mince pi:
at a restaurant.
What, Mother, is a “hopeless fool?”’
It is the man, Daughter, who has
made a fool of himse'f twice the same
way.
\What, Mother, is meant by the ex
pression that a man has left the earth?
It is a description, Child, given to a
happy bridegroom. In a very short time
he appears to be carrving it on his
shoulders,
Does it make a man angry, Mother, if
another man compliments his wife?
Not always, My Child. He feels that
others have a right to compliment her,
but he feels that his rights are being
usurped when others than himself scold
her. LILIAN LAUFERTY.
Is it true, Mother, that widows are
more faithful to the memory of the
dead than widowers?
Alas, yes, Child. A widow must
wait for some man to ask her to for
get, but a widower may rush straight
from the cemetery into a proposal,
tearing off his crape cn the way.
Why, Mother, do you insist that a
man should make the most of the
svmpathy his sweeth -rt gives him?
Will he receive ympathy after
1. arriage?
Yes, Dear, bu lifferent kind,
Before marriage =i 11 be so sorry
when he teils he < to work so
hard, but after ma: e when he be
ging such a tal: ce she will al
ways reply: LW heaven you
had my job!”
Why, Mother, do married men re
ceive no compliments?
There is ‘an unwritten law, Little
One, which says the onlv person hav
ing the right to compliment a married
Taboid Tales
man is his wife, and she never does it
because she thinks he is already too
conceited.
Why is it, Mother, that men do so
iittle talking around home?
For the reason, Child, that if a man
talks he wants to talk on his favori‘e
subject, and when he does so every
tenth sentence is punctuated by his
wife breaking in with, “How about
the men?”
Is there anything more impolite.
Mother, than to interrupt one who is
talking ?
From a woman's standpoint, no,
Child; but from a man's point of view
it is more impolite to interrupt one
who is eating.
What does it mean, Mother Denr,
when it is said that “Borrowed finery
invites trouble?”
It means, My Child, that the spoon
bearing the initials of a neighbor al
ways falls into the hands of the most
inquisitive guest at the party.
What does it mean, Mother, when it
is said “the punishment fits the
crime?”
Ah, Child, it means that the punish
ment must fit the social standing of
the criminal,
I heard, Mother, the preacher de
clare a man’s sins will find him out.
Is It true?
Yes, Little One, but they always
find his wife at home. .
Why, Mother Dear, do you say that
women are smarter than men?
A woman, My Dear, can do her
cooking and take ‘care of a crying
baby at the same time, but there
never was a man who could keep at
his work with a bag of nuts on his
desk.
Up-to-Date Jokes
A man entered an eating house and
crdered a steak and fried potatoes,
“Yes, rir-steak and potatoes, sir,”
said the walter. “And will you have
chops and peas along with it?”
“No, thank you."”
“Roast beef, then, perhaps, sir? The
roast beef's very fine to-day.”
“No; Just steak. and potatoes.”
“How about a nice lobster or &
bm§e of crabs, sir, with the steak?”
“No."
i"Shad roe and trimming, perhaps
sir?"
“No, I tell you!”
“A nice——"
But at this point the proprietor
summoned the waiter to him.
“What do you mean, you scoundrel,”
he sa'd, “by tormenting that patron in
such an outrageous manner?"
“Oh, I wasn't tormenting him, sir,”
said the waiter. “l was just trying to
make him feel at home. He's a bar
ber.”
40
Young Lawyer (having passed his
examinations)—Well, I'm glad it's
over, I've been working to death the
last few years trying to complete my
legal education,
old Lawyer—Cheer up, my boy; it'll
be a long time before you have any
more work to do.”
- 4 * .
A good story is told of Lord Clon
mell and an Irishman who met each
other once in a New York hotel. On
being asked what part of Ireland he
came from, Paddy replied:
“Well, as a matter of fact, at one
time I was one of your discontented
tenants.”
Lord Cronmell glanced at him in
surprise.
“Yes,” continued Pat, thoughtfully,
“I was. But here are you and I drink
ing together, while in Ireland I could
never get close enough to you to hit
you with a shotgun.”
' * L
“One-half of the women in this
world retail gossip,” remarked Mr.
Stubbs, as he lit his after-supper
cigar.
“Quite considerate of you not to
say all of them retail gossip,” snapped
Mrs. Stubb, as she washed the dishes.
“Qh, no, only half, Maria. The
other half wholesale it.”
* * *
An old Scottish gardener was show=
ing to a tourist the beauties of the
loch and of the little village of Dud
dingston. It was evening, and as he
expiated on the lovely scene and on
the glories of his country the moon
rose over a hill. The old man stopped
short in the middle of a sentence and
gazed at the moon in admiration.
Then he turned to the tourist and
said:
“There's a moon for ye! 1 tell ye,
man, we're a grand nation!”
A corporal in an Irish regiment
when on a march in India went to
the quartermaster to borrow a camel
to carry a spare tent. The quarter
master refused.
“I have only the cart, and this
spare camel 1 am keeping for a case
of emergency.” 3
“Well,” said the ,corporal, “can’t
you put the case of emergency on the
cart and let me have the camel?”
* * %
“You're terribly severe in your re
ligion, Donald. I suppose you think
we're going to perdition, and nobody
will be saved but you and your min
istert” i
“I'm not so sure o' that,” said Don
ald, thoughtfully. “Ye ken, whiles I
hae ma doots about the minister.”
* * *
They were on their honeymoon, and
were staying at a big hotel. One
night the man retired somewhat later
than his spouse. Arriving at the door
of what he imagined to be his room,
and finding it locked, he tapped and
ca'ed, “Honey!"”
No answer came, and he called
again, more loudly, “Honey!"”
Still he got no reply, and, becoming
uneasy, he repea ed the endearing
term with still more power. Tais
time he was answered.
“Get out, you idiot!” came an in
dignant male voice from the other
side of the door. “This is a bath
room, not a blooming beehive!”
* * *
Olive and Gerald, while out walk
ing, met a vicious bulldog, and Ger
ald’'s conduct in the next few moments
left much to be desired. When they
had safely passed, Olive turned io
Gerald and said, reproachfully:
“Why, Gerald! And you said ydu
would face death for me.”
“I know I did,” answered Gerald,
“and I meant it. But that bulldog
wasn't dead.”
* * *
An Irishman and a Frenchman were
disputing over the nationality of a
friend of theirs.
“1 eay,”” said the Frenchman, ‘“that
he was born in France; therefore, he
is a Frenchman.”
“Not at all,”’ said Pat.. “Begorra, if
a cat should have kittens in the oven,
would you call them biscuits?”
MARRY--Many rich, congenial and anxe
ious for companions. Interesting par
ticulars and photo free. The Messenger,
Jacksonville, Fla.
MARRY RICH —-Matrimonial paper of
highest charaeter, containing gundreds
of nhotos and descriptions of marriage
able georle with means. Maliled free.
Sealed. Either sex. Write to-day. One
may be your ideal. Address Standard
Cor. Club, Box 607, Grayslake, IIL
HUSTLING man or woman representa
tive wanted in each locality; part or
full time; $5O to $5OO a month; every
customer secured gives you a Steady
monthly income; experience is not re
quired; only one a{mnintm(-nr in each
locality—hurry and be the first to apply.
Write the 1-L-1, 1274, Covington, Ky.
SALESMEN WANTED.
SELI. TREES—Fruit trees, Pecan
trees, Shade trees, Ornamentals and
Roses. E..sy to sell. Big profits. Write
to-day. SMITH BROS,, Dept. 39, Con
cord, Ga, 5