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I’*gr x
The Red and Hlack, Friday, March 30. 1979
CLOGS
OldMaine Trotters authentic wood-bottom clog wears
the famous sulky brand. Bold and brassy nailheads and
the antiqued Trotter buckle accent rich leather bands
that bare both heel and toe. Down under: a super slim
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Sizes 5 to 11, narrow to medium width.
trotters
Gusto
‘Bible’
By ERNEST HI MMINGBIKD
Hoop reviewer
If you’re a big time, hot-shot
book critic like me, then you
must know how tough it is to
keep up with the day to day
onslaught of schlocky, com
mercial pieces of junk. I mean,
what dreck! All this over-
hyped, over-blown crudola
They put big-busted girls on
the covers and expect you to
plunk down $2 95 for it. And
people go ahead and do it. It's
just sickening Whatever hap
pened to art"
*Burp5
Because I shy away from
reading all the top-selling
populist drivel. I hadn’t gotten
around to reading God's
all-time moneymaking best
seller. The Bible, until now.
As we all know. The Bible is
a book promoter’s dream.
Almost two thousand years on
the best seller list—three hun
dred million copies sold! Just
look at all the sales, the
spin-offs, the movies—the fran
chises. And you thought Star
Wars was big Don't you know
that God’s got a fat Swiss bank
characters lack credibility
account somewhere.
Now. for those of us who shy
away from the more successful
novels, The Bible is about a
million pages long (at least it
seems like it) and weighs
about 10 pounds.
Now I'm not going to say
that God is a bad writer, but it
sure takes a good reader to get
through this thing.
Not that he devotes a lot of
His pages to detailed descrip
tions of everything. Oh. he
might spend eighty pages
telling you all the trivia you
never wanted to know about
the Arc of the Covenant, but
when he gets around to his
characters, he won't even take
the time to tell us what they
look like. Moses could have
been green and Jesus could
have had a crew-cut for all he
tells us.
It takes a whale of an ego to
sit down and write a book this
long and expect people to read
it. As if it’s not even enough
for God to tell us he created
the universe and all. he has to
brag that he did it in record
time—six days, and that He
even had time for a day of rest
and relaxation. No sweat, he
writes. God’s conceited com
pulsion to take credit for
everything gets to be tedious at
times. But this sort of
impossible egotism is not
uncommon for someone of his
age
At times, the Author doesn t
even seem to know what He’s
writing One minute it’s a
vague sort of autobiography,
the next it’s a sketchy history
It fails largely as an autobiog
raphy because He's too busy
manipulating mankind to real
ly confront Himself in a
straightforward self-analysis.
As a history book The Bible is
a particular disaster There
are no maps, photos, charts, or
graphs. It is often confusing
and vague and too often the
reader has to take God’s word
for it.
God does succeed to a degree
as a story teller, a yarn
spinner at least worthy of the
likes of Tolkien. God’s Eden,
for instance, is almost as
orignal as Tolkien’s ‘Middle
Earth” but his characters tend
to lack the credibility of. say, a
Bilbo Baggins
God’s Jesus, for instance, is
especially difficult to identify
with Jesus is just another
Shirley Temple—Little Lord
Fauntleroy—probably the big.
gest goody-goody in literature
If God didn’t stick to such
broad stereotypes, the novel
would have been improved
greatly.
The most disappointing parts
of the book, and there are
many, are when this supposed
“Old Master” has to resort to
the standard commercial suc
cess formulas of cheap sex.
particularly incest, and gra
phic depictions of violence. The
Bible has some of the goriest,
most gruesome, bloodiest
deaths ever to give pulp fiction
a bad name. Not even Mario
Puzo can top God in bloody,
stomach-wrenching violence
God also, as a narrative
writer, tends to use a bit much
of deus ex machina for my
taste.
Rumor has it that God is
writing another testament to
make the work a trilogy
Whether this will be judged as
an unoriginal attempt to cash
in on Tolkien’s success re
mains to be seen In the mean
time. I suggest God had the
good sense to make His latest
work more concise, more
credible, more original, less
egotistical—and to just really
open up in general Got that
big “G?" Now, go on, get out
of here!
‘ Bad dream ’ forces Borner
to play 1979 season sans pay
By STORMIN’ NORMAN
Sports enthusiast
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla.-The Atlanta
Braves announced yesterday that the feud
between them and bad boy third baseman Bob
Borner over Borner's contract is finally over
Braves’ general manager Bill Mucas said
that he was in his office at training camp
yesterday morning at 9 a m. when Borner
called to make an appointment with him "Bob
sounded really upset and said he wanted to talk
to me as soon as possible,” Mucas said.
Mucas couldn’t believe what Borner told him
at their meeting an hour later; that he would
play the 1979 season for the Braves for FREE'
This was a sharp contrast from Borner’s
sentiments a day earlier when he said he would
never be happy playing for Atlanta even if he
got the $300,000 contract he had been seeking
Borner said he would play baseball for
nothing this year because of a horrid
nightmare he had experienced the night before.
“1 dreamed it was April 9 at our home
opener against the Cincinnati Reds and there
were 55,000 Braves fans in the stadium just
booing the hell out of me,” Borner said "But
that’s not even the worst part of it.
“When I was at third base in the second
inning, Chief Noc-a-homa started shooting
toward me with his bow and arrow from his
teepee out in left field.” he said, still trembling
"But the really scary part was when that green
Bleacher Creature began chasing me around
the field.
"That thing ran after me for two innings out
on the warning track. I was saved when he got
hit in the head by Johnny Rench’s line drive
Thank God for Johnny.”
Borner said the dream made him realize how
wrong he had been and how greedy he was. “I
just want to make up with the Braves and their
fans.” Borner said. “I don’t want everybody
hating me.”
In other Braves news, 40-year old pitcher,
Phil Miekro. said he is going to stop throwing
his knuckleball "The National League hitters
got together some money and said I could have
it if 1 wouldn’t throw the knuckleball this
year.” he said. Miekro wouldn’t say but how
much the players had collected but the figure
reportedly was close to $2,000,000.
"I'm not worried too much about how well
I’ll pitch without the knuckler. I have enough
confidence in my fastball so that I’ll probably
use it 90 percent of the time," Miekro said.
Whether Miekro's fastball will get him by is
debatable since it has been clocked at traveling
only 60 m.p.h.
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(Vs Mile South of the
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