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UGA Yesterday
y° u I ,ut em
8 Pm., in Beaurocratic Nosepickers will meet today,
P lc tars are wplmJ 4 „ Tainted Student Center. All interested
Pick-off me Registration will be held for the group's annual
iU, '"i ind grind
BumperCars»^ S .li’*!?*. ^ meet Saturday, 2 pm., at Big Jim’s
added driving training Kegs will be provided
^l )r ti parties demonstration
open SS£L y J! Ud “ interested in overruling the University’s ban on
Student I imitQ?- Sem vS toni 8ht, 11 p m., at the home of Secretary for
tions, Plight Doogles Band and kegs will be provided.
Taking the bar
should lu W stu< ^ ents planning to take the bar exam this year
dome if ” ser ' es titled “Taking the bar and having a good time
drv■'« s a ’»,.^i )0nsore ^ Tawdry Disco. The event will be held at Taw-
. ^ urday, 11 p.m Once again, kegs will be provided
Tun with Weedeaters
anaraeb ' st members of the Athens Botanical Society will meet
p r tL' 4 ' n the gardens of University President “Chucklin'
n V mb Chip Knipp for a flower-destroying seminar titled "Fun
with weedeaters Bring your weedeaters
Parking victims unite
£!! University students who have been fined in excess of $100 by Uni
versity Ticketing Services are asked to join in a smoke bombing of the
“* el a ng . S f rv , lc ,? s buildin 8 Friday at 3:45 p m A contest will be held
mmediately following the bombing The student with the most money
in accumulated parking tickets will win a faculty parking sticker.
Buckle corrals support for hoe-downing
Buckle: ‘Not here to jockey for position.’
By Rock) Kaccoon
Kude mid Hlmk titablr Hand
Cleve Buckle, mouthpiece for the
vice president for Horses, spoke
oh, a week or so ago, at a presi
dential banquet concerning the tight
harness placed on the necks of stu
dents in regard to drinking and
having fun.
Buckle said the new open parly
law, restricting drinking at Geek
parties, is a threat to the formerly
stable party climate
“It's a joke,” Buckle said,
laughing "Here we are. trying to
put these nice students out to pas
ture way before their time What
ever happened to a little relaxation
and fun? Long live happy hour!"
He raised his hoof defiantly.
The crowd, consisting of nu
merous University dignitaries who
secretly agreed with him, didn't re
spond
Undaunted, Buckle continued,
"The students are out there sowing
their wild oats and hanging out in
the sun while we’re supposedly ex
panding the openness of this univer
sity.” He paused to let the crowd
neigh “I say we were more open
before!”
Vice President of Horses Leather
Straps interjected at that point, sen
sing his confidant’s anarchic inten
tions, and tried to calm the crowd.
“Wait! You’re supposed to be on
my side, Buckle, you know, straight
from the horse’s mouth and all that
We’ve got to keep control of the stu
dents, keep 'em from making spur
of the moment decisions that could
result in fun!” Straps yelled, trying
to avert the escalating euphoria in
the stable “You’ve all got blinders
on! What we need is control and
calmness I’d like to read you some
lyric poetry now. ”
But the milling crowd wasn't in
the mood for lyric poetry. It was in
the mood for rock and roll Buckle
and a friend threw open a window
and let the sun stream in, then led
some of the University dignitaries
on a rousing chorus of "Wild
Horses” and “Rawhide " He later
attempted to get the group to sing
"Horse With No Name," but he was
the only one who knew the words
“That darn drinking age is just
too high. All that alcohol’s just fer
mented hops, grapes and wheat,
anyway! We eat ’em all the time in
the pasture,” Buckle said, hardly
ashamed in the realization he was
bucking authority. "Why not lower
the drinking age and open all the
parties? Hi ho silver, Wilbur!”
Meanwhile, Straps was in the
back of the room, discussing
Buckle's “odd mood shifts” with
some faculty members, but having
second thoughts about letting the
students have fun. He knew it was
the right thing to do, indeed it was a
mane priority, to stop horsing
around so he trotted over to the po
dium
“I’m not here to jockey for posi
tion with you," he said, pushing for
a laugh "I like to have fun as much
as the next guy We’ve whipped
each other into such a frenzy over
this, but no more. I've waited my
whole rein as head of the stable to
say this: Everybody shake your
tail!”
SAM petitions for nude
Lake Barbaric beach
Proposed Lake Barbaric nude beach site
By Eileen Lepht
Rude and Bleak Sleeieur Reporter
In a move designed to make ev
eryone stand up and take notice of
the newly formed Student Advisory
Mob. SAM representatives voted
unanimously to form a committee to
look into a proposal by President
Wowie Mandel to declare portions of
Lake Barbaric a clothes-optional
tanning area.
Mandel said he made the proposal
so SAM could point to a concrete ac
tion the whole University could see
and be proud of.
"This should prove once and for
all that SAM can do something im
portant for the entire student body
and for the entire body of every stu
dent."
University Medicare
Spokeswoman Hatsie McNurse said
that if the proposal was approved a
lot more students will probably take
National Sunburn Week more se
riously but that she was unsure
what effect it would have on prom
iscuous sexual behavior.
"As long as everyone is wearing
condoms, though, I don't think it’ll
have that much of an adverse effect
on the students," she said "But re-
meber that condoms aren t 100 per
cent effective in preventing
sunburn."
Interfarternal Circle President
Mud McKenny said the group would
probably schedule all events for its
annual Freek Week at Lake Bar
baric if the proposal is passed
“Party Naked, alllriiight!" he
said.
The proposal drew mixed reac
tions from students Thursday af
ternoon.
"Really!?” said Jan D. Bumb
ledom, a freshman in search of an
MRS degree. "I'm really glad to see
that SAM is really doing something
that's going to have a real effect on
the University. Do you realize what
this will mean to the average stu
dent and her tan line?”
“Yuck!” said Bart M. Nardle-
hous, a junior majoring in under
water fire prevention. "I mean, I
guess that's OK if you want to do
that, I guess But who would really
want to do that?"
SAM representatives will now
form a committee to write up the
proposal in resolution style to be
presented before entire body again
before being referred to the Varia
tions Committee to make changes
again before it is officially voted on
by the Proposals Committee of the
SAM Abode of Representatives.
If the Abode approves of the final
resolution, then it will go to Presi
dent Mandel for approval and then
to University Dictator "Chucklin’ "
Chip Knipp for his seal of approval
“I know this sounds like a lot of
red tape, but its a whole lot easier
than getting California’s west coast
annexed as part of the University,"
Mandel said
SAM Vice President Kris
Crockpot said she felt certain Dic
tator Knipp would approve the idea
University dictator's mouthpiece
Shreve Frankenstain said he hasn't
had an opportunity to review the
proposal,
“This is the first I’ve heard of it,”
Frankenstain said "Maybe I'll
have a catchy quote for you later
Why don’t you jackals go chase an
ambulance or something."
National Sex Month declared by Kook;
celebration a climax for some but not all
By Macon Lovell and Wanda Doit
Rude and Bleak Intimate Reporter*
Because springtime traditionally
is when a young man's fancy turns
to love, U S. Surgeon General C. Ev
erything Kook has declared April as
National Sex Month
In a news conference Thursday,
from the offices of the Department
of Interpersonal Technology (DO-
IT), Kook said, "We wanted a na
tional celebration that everyone
could relate to and take part in
"We want to make this a yearly
event, but have had feedback sug
gesting we have it more fre
quently," he said "There are many
weeks and months set aside for na
tional events, but we expect Na
tional Sex Month to have more
stamina and outlast all the rest "
DO-IT officials said they are cer
tain “beyond any feasible doubt"
that sex month will have the highest
participation rate of any national
event
"We have nothing against base
ball but we all know sex is really
America's favorite past-time,"
Kook said. “I mean, come on.”
While the month is dedicated to
promoting healthy sexual activities
and attitudes, each week of sex
month had been dedicated to a spe
cific sexual malady in hopes of
making all sexual frustration obso
lete and bringing about world
peace
The first week is dedicated to suf
ferers of premature ejaculation,
both men and women. Week two is
for those who find themselves
missing out due to the not-so-suc-
cessful birth control method, with
drawal
The remaining two weeks are ded
icated to those who suffer from im
potence and to all American women
who give Oscar-winning perfor
mances nightly as they fake or
gasms
Guido Libido, national
spokesperson for premature ejacu
lation week, said the week Is a
chance for men who are afflicted to
go out there and feel free to have
sex without being scorned for their
lightning-quick speed
"I’ve tried holding back, gritting
my teeth, thinking monstrous
thoughts, even chewing my
tongue," he said. "I'm just too
quick for my girlfriend, probably
for any women
“I mean, it’s like I smell her
sweet fragrance, and look into her
eyes, and the minute I go to hold her
hand, it’s all over," Libido said
"l don't know what my problem
is. I'm a little anxious, but not too
anxious Well maybe ”
Week two, withdrawal week, is
the major educational phase of the
celebration, Kook said.
"As a major endorser of condoms,
I want people to realize that this so-
called no deposit-no return’ method
isn’t a successful birth control ma
neuver Besides it frustrates the ba-
jeebers out of uh never mird,"
Ophelia Bottom, spokeswoman for
withdrawal week, summed up her
feelings on the subject with the
week’s slogan. "If he says he’ll pull
out/ But you're in doubt/ Be smart/
Don't even start. "
The last two weeks of the cele
bration are designed to open com
munication and make it easier for
impotent men and nonorgasmic
women to deal with their frustra
tions.
"Impotent men often wilt under
the social stigma of being labeled a
failure by their partner," Kook said.
"We want these men to have at
least two weeks to openly discuss
their problem. It’s not as hard as
they think it is."
I. Wisha Kould, impotency
spokesman, said, "Were tired of
being no shows’ or 'never-readies '
This isn't a case of erection re
jection, it’s a psychological
problem. We just want to let people
know that so they’ll loosen up, so to
speak "
Mona Groana, fake orgasm
spokeswoman and world record
holder, said she wants women who
fake orgasm to know that they are
not alone “You think Linda Love
lace had all those orgasms? — no
way, she was just acting like all
other women ”
When asked if she was bitter due
to her inablility to climax Groana
said, “Of course not. I’m just tired
of women thinking they must feel
guilty about faking organsm when
all it is is a measure to cater to the
overwhelmingly fragile male ego
Nobody sees stars or hears bells I
sure as hell haven't.
"My boyfriends are classic exam
ples of the Neanderthal sexual de
sires of all men They don't make
me do anything but waste my
breath Men are just selfish crea
tures who use women to bolster
their macho pride, putting another
notch on their gun These are facts ,
what makes you think I’m bitter?"
Kook said he hopes men and
women will “do their duty" as part
of National Sex Month
"We at the DO-IT would love to
see everyone come together, but re
member ‘don’t get an erection until
you’ve got some protection’," he
said
Groovie wanted dead, alive
By I. Massacre Reputations
Rudf and Hlrak l.ai> Fsrudo-journalist
Rock star Jong “Tex" Bong
Groovie may be respected by mil
lions of 13-year-old greasy-haired
music fans, but he revealed
Thursday to The Rude and Bleak
that he is, in fact, a cowboy who has
seen a million faces and rocked the
vast majority of them.
“It’s all the same — only the
names have changed." the enig
matic Bong Groovie said. "Ev
eryday it seems we’re wasting
away.”
Dressed in spandex, the young
virtuoso musician complained of the
often-demanding life of a rock star.
Touring difficulties often cause
memory loss, he said.
"Sometimes you tell the day by
the bottle that you drink," he said,
pointing to seven bottles taped with
the names of days.
“Sometimes when you're alone,
all you do is think.”
However, Bong Groovie said
sometimes when he is alone he
doesn't think, but instead watches
reruns of "Bonanza" and "The Ri
fleman."
Other times he parks his steel
horse outside his hotel room and
walks the streets with a loaded six
string (a black stratocaster).
“I play for keeps, cuz I might not
make it back," he said.
Instead of playing for keeps, how
ever, sometimes he plays for base
ball cards or autographed pictures
of Michael Landon
At times despondent, Bong
Groovie said he is lonely because of
the faces who pay $15 for tickets to
his concerts.
“Those faces are so cold," he
said "I drive all night just to get
back home "
In spite of the lonely life of
touring, Bong Groovie said the con
stant travel has hurt neither his out
look nor his posture.
“I've been everywhere, still I’m
standing tall," he said. ‘Tve seen a
million faces, and I’ve rocked them
all."
However, Bong Groovie couldn't
document this claim
"Well, I sweat a lot,” he said.
Kick butt
Bouncers’ buns bared
By Charming Smut
Rude and Bleak Benevolent (Inlander
"It's about time we saw some
butt in this town,"
Those were the words of Athens
city association member Menma
kerne Swoony Thursday night
when a proposal was passed for
the city to sponsor a sumo wres
Hing tournament among Athens
club bouncers, giving a whole new
meaning to bar wars and night life
in the Classic City.
"Those college kids don't have
much excitement since they can’t
drink in public any more. 1 say, at
least give ’em some skin,”
Swooney said.
Round one is set for Saturday
night at the Immemorial Corridor
Square Dance room Officials say
last fall’s free-for-all proved the
facility's capacity for sumo wres
tling. At least 3,000 spectators will
be packed into the 50 ft. by 75 ft
room Spectators are asked to re
frain from bringing chairs and
non-alcoholic beverages Seating
will be pile-up style according to
body size.
When Rude and Bleak reporters
confronted city officials with the
discomfort this situation will
surely cause the audience, not to
mention the total disregard of all
fire safety regulations, they re
sponded with indifference
"Hey, if you want to see some
butt, you've gotta sacrifice,” said
Pithy Hoar, city association
member
Athens Mayor Hi P Camper
said, “It'll just help bring the city
closer together We all want to get
to know each other don’t we?"
And just whose posteriors will
be on display this weekend’’
A special Cheeks Committee
polled University students to see
what tushes would bring the most
response and which competitors
would bring the most hostility
Stoned Halls Manager Carmen
Accapella said his boys will take
on O'Really s bouncers, owned by
Ben Foolin Both bars are popular
hang-outs for fraternity and so
rority members who can be found
brawling over clashing outfits and
improper bow attire.
I Tappa Keg President Skip Ev-
eryclass was arrested outside
‘Hey, if you want to
see some butt,
you’ve gotta
sacrifice. ’
— Pithy Hoar
city association
member
Stoned Halls last weekend after
beating up a sloppily-dressed
freshman
“I just can’t believe he wore a
blue sweater with chartreuse
plaid pants. It was disgusting. My
girlfriend almost threw up,” Ev
eryclass said.
Stoned Halls’ bouncers broke up
the fight before any serious inju
ries were inflicted. Everyclass’
girlfriend and date the night of the
fight, identified to reporters only
as Muffte, said these “mighty men
of muscle saved the day for she
and her boyfriend by pulling the
man off Everyclass who was
starting to bleed around the pelvic
area
A similar incident two weeks
earlier at O’Really’s proved the
physical capabilities of those
bouncers Four O’Really’s secu-
litv men broke up a free-for-all
that involved more than 100 people
f n ° one hurt, according to
O Realty's owner, Foolin.
My boys can handle anything.
One of them once crushed a Tonka
dump truck with his bare pin
kies, Foolin said. “We're gonna
beat the h - out of those Stoned
Halls sissies.”
Accappella said his bouncers
are the toughest in town and they
aren’t afraid of a few O’Really’s
pussycats,” he said
Rude and Bleak sports editor
Crisp Delicacy refused to choose a
favorite in the tournament.
However, XBS sports commen-
ar .PV* Buttkiss favors the
O Really s wrestlers
They definitely have the
firmest buns and much more
muscle than the other guys,” But-
tkiss said
Buttkiss refused to disclose the
_^ource of his information
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