Newspaper Page Text
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THE RUDE AND BLEAK
A newspaper published entirely by children
Athens, Ga. Volume XXXOOOXXX, No. 13
Friday, March 32, 1988
News 555-GABB Advertising 555-GABB
Dog fans soil PU win with toilet paper
By Skweezin (if Sharmen
Rudr and Blank Toilet Affairs Reporter
Crazed Bulldog fans have gone
“too far this time,” head canasta
coach Huge Germ screamed loudly
yesterday after students com
menced to throwing soiled toilet
paper onto the playing floor during
the most heated moment of compe
tition with Poopville University of
Poopville, Pa.
Germ, using a public address mi
crophone, yelled uncontrollably that
"students don't give a s— if we win
or lose. They've gone too far this
time.”
Prof loves
waste site
By Ima Ree Porter
Rudr and Hlrak Sloppy Dlilortrr
Although some University stu
dents and faculty are upset about
the combination Waste Dump/Bota
nical Gardens, at least one Univer
sity scientist is "excited.”
"I’m excited," Dweezil Lookleaf,
a University plant mutations ex
pert, said. "We have some really
first-rate mutations developing out
there. Yep, some really nasty ones.
I’m really proud to see the work of
several years of my life coming to
fruition."
Lookleaf was one of the original
evil scientists to develop gardens-
/dump by secretly locating the gar
dens in close juxtaposition to the
dump.
"It’s two, two, two attractions in
one," Lookleaf said.
The dump contains toxic and ra
dioactive wastes, radioactive an
imal carcasses and toxic fraternity
pledges from the late 1960s and
early 1970s.
"The very best stuff for plant mu
tations," Lookleaf said.
The best mutated plant to come
from the gardens/dump is a partic
ular nasty one named Aubrey
XXII
Aubrey confesses, at one time,
being a simple, harmless geranium.
Now, he proudly boasts, "I’m the
Dirty Harry, the Rambo, the Pred
ator of the Floral world.”
Lookleaf said, "I’m so proud of
him. I raised him from a bulb."
Aubrey, however, tells a different
story
"It’s more like I raised him," the
indignant and feisty plant said. "I
mean look at him! Dunk he could
get a date? No! "
But currently, Aubrey’s main con
cern is that "some Uni verity do-
gooders want to clean the place up.
"Clean the place up! It would be
mass genocide! That’s why Dweezil
here is going to fight it for all he’s
worth Besides, I’d like to see the
Army they send in to do the job.
They won’t get past the mutant tu
lips. Even I’m scared of them."
University Dictator "Chucklin’ "
Chip Knipp said the waste site
would be cleaned up as soon as pos
sible, probably sometime in 2025
"We can’t be a world-class Uni
versity with a waste dump in one of
our Centers of Decadence. I’ve in
structed the Supreme Council of the
University Committee to form a
sub-select-special prosecutorial-se
lection committee to look into a fea-
sability study."
Igotta Gho, president of the re
cently formed "Shower the Dogs"
spirit organization, refuted Germ’s
statements, saying his group was
really giving the team just what
Germ requested and was making
the visiting P.U. fans feel at home
as well.
The latest incident occurred
during yesterday’s game with P.U.
The Bulldogs, who had been neck
and neck with the Poos of P.U.
throughout the contest, finally
pulled ahead by 5 with just 7 sec
onds remaining on the clock. Elated
fans showered the playing floor with
the heavily-laden toilet paper, no
doubt collected during a period of
days.
Dependable floor-sweepers
quickly scooped the mess to the
sides of the court, but queasy game
officials immediately called a qua
druple technical foul on the Bull
dogs, sending P.U.’s top player,
Sensateev Knose, to the foul line.
But Knose was apparently over
come by the stench, and using his
left hand to hold his nose, he missed
all but two of the shots.
The Bulldogs managed to pull out
a win as the P.U. players, gagging
on the sidelines, let the clock run
out.
Germ wasn’t excited about the
victory, and grabbing the an
nouncer’s microphone, he berated
the students responsible for the act.
By that point, though, most had
already rushed outside for fresh air.
Fans had mixed views of the situ
ation.
"I think this stinks ... literally,”
said M.R. Whipple, a University
alumnus and long-time Bulldog ath
letic supporter "It smells like
like downtown Athens in there!”
Deez Gusten Sownds, vice-presi
dent of "Shower the Dogs,” said
group members worked long and
hard preparing for the display
"It took hours, days really,”
Sownds said. "A lot of people all
over this campus contributed to this
cause, some unknowingly I think
it’s a real shame Germ should
throw down on us like this."
Igotta Gho said he was surprised
at Germ’s reaction, but his organi
zation doesn't plan to disband.
"I really don’t understand," he
said. "He thinks we’ve gone too far?
We haven’t even begun to go. Just
wait until football season."
Coach Huge Germ
Over 1,000 bars cited 9
served drinks to babies
By X. Trabsorbent Pampers
Rudr and Blrah Junior Rrportrr
City police yesterday cited 1,459
bars and restaurants for serving al
cohol to toddlers, although the inci
dences occurred two years before
police charged the servers.
Police Chief Everett Stoley said
the delay was necessary for some of
the younger toddlers to learn how to
talk in order to testify.
The undercover operation in
volved toddlers between the ages of
two and four, who acccompanied
undercover policemen to bars and
restaurants, masquerading as their
dates, Stoley said.
The toddler would then order a
white Russian heated exactly to
room temperature, easy on the
milk, he said. If asked for identifi
cation, the toddler would make an
excuse, such as they left their ID in
their bigwheel carseat.
Attorney Freddie "Hot” Toddy,
who represents some of the sus
pects, says the city's case is as
weak as those drinks were.
He said the servers he rep
resented only served the toddlers
virgin white Russians.
Bartons also said the police pur
posely picked mature looking tod
dlers to dupe the servers.
Boozin’ baby helps with sting
“With eye make-up,some of these
kids looked six and eight," he said.
Susie Skol, a toddler involved in
the operation, said holding up four
fingers, “I’m this many — how
many are you?”
Three-and-a-half-year-old Abigail
Absolut, also participated in the op
eration. She said while city laws
prohibit minors from even looking
or smelling alcoholic beverages,
she's never had trouble getting
served alcohol.
"Peach wine coolers are better
than Kool-Aid,” she said.
Class moved downtown
Classified photo obtained by Rude and Bleak
Secret information has been unearthed regarding one
of the boldest moves yet in the escalating arms race be
tween America and Russia. It seems the U.S. Army has
devoted the last six months to balancing a highly sensi
tive radar detector on the sturdy head of Mr. Cleo Mc-
Greevy. This otherwise inconspicous man will be used
to determine enemy troop movements in the Middle
East with his long-range radar. "Cleo’s head is the best
weapon we gots," a high-reeking Army officer was dis
tinctly quoted as saying. "Next we shall make him un
clear."
Tainted Center religious war
By Holy Roller
Rudr and Hlrak KvangelWm Kvoker
Student groups clashed on the Tainted Student Center
Veranda, forcing University officals to reconsider
policy toward religious groups and their use of the fa
cility.
Campus representatives for Methodists for Mo
hammed Inc. and Baptists for Buddha Co. fought for 45
minutes before University police arrived to cast out the
evil demons, said Athens observer Weakly Papre
"It looked like a war zone for awhile," Papre said.
"The Methodists for Mohammed cornered the Baptists
for Buddha near the Automated Teller Machines and
pelted them with rocks and garbage
"The Baptists gang then made a withdraw 1 and
launched an offensive at the now-exhausted singers,"
he said.
Both groups continued with verbal exchanges after
the police arrived
"Governor Joe Frank Billy Bob Jones would’ve ok’d
gambling along time ago if it hadn’t been for those
meddling kids.”
Shreve Frankenstain, University dictator’s mouth
piece and actually a nice-guy-once-you-get-to-know-
him, said, "I’m well aware of the situation and the
groups are now on ‘double-secret probation' and will be
watched carefully at this world-class institution. If they
aren’t careful we ll move them downtown with every
body else."
Center name fight: dairy or bovine?
By Farras Bewler
Rude and Bleak L'neicuted A been lee
A committee was selected
Wednesday to discuss the possibility
of changing the name of the dairy
science department to the Bovine
Lactate Fluids Studies Center.
Committee chairman and dairy
science instructor Elsie Mooman
said the department needed the
change because the current name
doesn’t reflect the technological ad
vancements made in the subject in
recent years.
"Basically, our name now is out
dated It’s as stale as the milk my
son left on the stove last night," she
said.
However, Angus Teetson, pro
fessor of bovine butts, disagreed
"I think we should heifer the
question to a later date," he said.
"We've got just too much bull going
on right now to cowntemplate some
thing like this. It’s mmmmating
season all this mmmonth."
Department head "Big" Bill Bul
lard said he backs the idea fully,
and said the appointment of
Mooman will get things mooving
immediately
"I’ve always liked Elsie. It’s a
rare occasion when we don’t get
along at least medium well She’s
very bright She can really think on
her hooves." he said.
Melvin D Milkmon. spokesman
for dairy science honor society Fi
Moo says his organization doesn’t
approve of the idea
"We’ve got a big beef with the
whole thing. It’s udderly ridicu
lous," Milkmon said. "Mooman’s
just hot-dogging to get attention.”
Mooman is one of four finalists for
the presidency of the Internationale
Dairy Science Association (IDSA).
However, visiting professor Jac
ques Fillet Mignon said he doesn't
believe Mooman accepted the chair
for personal gain
"She’s got too much at steak at
this time to be grandstanding." he
said "She’s A-l material and a
prime candidate for the job.”
Kv Eyem Kinda Tan
Rudr and Rlrak Sun Potato
After the success of the recent
movement of education classes
downtown, the University an
nounced other building changes af
fecting students and faculty
Shreve Frankenstain, speaking
for just about everyone, said
Thursday. "I thought the education
classes in the Bell building went
very well. We (the University) have
got so much money we can afford to
rent a building we can't use "
Frankenstain said the nutrition
classes will be moved to The Hi-
bachi for a “real-life horror show of
what people actually pay money
for.”
“Grease is the word."
He also said the art classes will
move into the Kinky Ropier building
that will enable the students to
“(re (produce images with amazing
clarity ... We’re hoping they can
draw Tippy the Art School Mouse. "
Graphe Papre, a professor in the
art school, said, "The faculty will
probably be notified the day after
classes start, like ususual.”
Frankenstain said the new classes
will be served by an O-bit bus that
will make a right on the Athens By
pass until it reaches Prince Avenue,
where it will stop to allow everyone
to purchase donuts before pro
ceeding downtown
He said students shouldn't
schedule classes within five hours of
each other to allow for delays.
Other changes include: relocating
Rustle Hall residents to XYZ
package store where they spend
most of their time anyway, and
moving The Rude and Bleak'offices
to an undetermined location until
their hangovers wear off
0 Ami Stoned, a freshman unde
cided major, welcomed the idea,
“Two-case Tuesdays were getting
monotonous, Let's party!"
Stoned's roomate Auwn Probation
said, "If I don't go to class there ei
ther can I just pay money straight
to the liquor companies?"
Co-ed suffocates in bird poop
Bv Dirt Poor Farmer
Rudr and Bleak Staff Agrarian
Services will be held tomorrow
for a sorority girl who died after
slipping into a puddle of bird
poop
Ima Flake, of Delta Dippity
Doo sorority, died instantly after
falling into the snarling poop and
suffocated Flake, 20, had just
finished chapter and was leaving
“the house" when tragedy-
struck.
Flake, who attended Sunshine
High School, graduated in the top
80 percent of her class and was a
member of the Spunk Club.
Flake was majoring in hair care
and was secretary of Teasers
Anonymous
Muffy Numbskull, of I Phelta
Thi sorority and a friend of
Flake's, said that Ima will be
missed
“Ima will be missed," she
said
Numbskull was miffed at the
poop that was frequenting the
area
“Like, don’t they have bird
bathrooms? I mean. God!"
The city has been attacked for
the last few weeks and if the
snarlings continue to make drop
pings, one of Athens most hon
ored and respected cultural
Poop splashed on adjacent bench from accident
events may be doomed: Derby
Day.
The thought scares sorority
girls.
Sorority sister Susie Senseless
said, “Without Derby Day,
what’s the point of college? I was
academically prepared this year,
too. Why can't these birds just
hibernate?”
The sinister snarlings have
caused other damages to the
city, including a group drop on
the sorority house last week TTie
members miraculously survived.
but quite a few BMWs were
splashed and flooded
"I had to go to a public car
wash,” Mitzi Mophead whis
pered
Flake will be remembered for
her generosity and her enthu
siasm.
"Whenever I ran out of lip
stick, she'd always lend me
hers,” sniffled Numbskull. "And
her bows were oh-so<x>lor-coor
dinated.”