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Page U/TRENOS/Mmuln June *
be just friends, but "you have to recognize that in
the back of at least on of the people's minds can be
the possibility of romance It (the friendship) can
get out of balance if romantic feelings are
aroused."
In her book "Among Friends," sociologist Letty
Pogrebin, who researched cross-sex friendships,
said "if you do have sex with a friend, call it what
you will, but it is no longer just friendship.
In an atmosphere where most people are single
and looking for a partner, whether it be for a brief
fling or for marriage, having a friend of the opposite
sex can be difficult.
When asked how having a boyfriend or girlfriend
affected their friendships, men were more likely
than women to report that a relationship had no
effect on friendships.
"You can't let dating someone get in the way of
a friendship. Your friends will always be there, but
a relationship can change in days," Russell said.
University student Alison Sherrill, 19, broke up
with her boyfriend in part, because she felt he was
too controlling of her social life.
"It bothered him if we saw too much of my
friends. He didn't like some of them, so we would
go out alone. I would wonder why, but I wouldn't
end the friendship."
One trend that begins in college and carries over
into adult life is the feet that couples often feel more
comfortable socializing with other couples. While
college students generally socialize in large
groups, couples begin to form "our" friends instead
of "mine" and "yours," and these mutual friends
are often other pairs. As with a divorce, the
breakup of a longtime college relationship can
result in fighting over which friend belongs to
' whom. After months of spending Friday and
Saturday nights with a boyfriend or girlfriend, it can
be difficult for the newly single to adjust to going
out with a group of friends once again.
The college years are a time when people are
seeking to define themselves, both as individuals
and as a part of society. However, they may be
unsure exactly where they fit in the spectrum of
college life.
Dr. Slavit has found that "at this age, people's
self-esteem is particularly influenced by how
popular they feel among others. Very often there is
a strong desire to be liked and accepted by a
number of peers. This has two effects. It creates a
press to go out and interact with lots of people so
that people can validate themselves. It also makes
them unlikely to take risks in relationships. People
are less likely to share opinions and values which
would add depth to relationships. They tend to
keep things on a superficial level.
"Every human being is alone," said Slavit. "To a
certain degree our thoughts and values are hidden
from everyone else. To ease this feeling of
isolation, it is important to have the deeper aspects
of who you are as an individual validated. It's
important to have at least one other person in
whose company you can be genuinely yourself."
In their search for a large group of people to
identify with, college students can lose sight of the
importance of nurturing individual friendships and
having different types of friends. It's important to
have acquaintances and casual friends, who can
add depth and variety to your life, as well as a best
friend. Realistically, though, a person only has the
time and energy to have a small number of truly
intimate friends.
"Most people who are pretty well adjusted have
an intimate circle of friends that is usually small,"
according to psychiatrist Leonard Zunin, author of
several books on friendship and personality. "Most
healthy people, well-balanced people, enjoy
having friends who they have things in common
with — shared values, shared backgrounds
historically, religiously, racially and so on. Also,
they enjoy contrasting friends. I think the perfect
balance is to have at least one close, contrasting
friend and at least one close, similar friend."
Does this mean that the people who say they
have 40, 50 or even 60 friends are exaggerating?
Not necessarily. They may be fortunate enough to
live with a large group of people who share their
interests, they may be active in several clubs and
organizations or they may have the time and
energy to keep up with many different people.
After graduation, however, most people do not
have the opportunity or the free time to have 50
friends whom they see on a regular basis. It is
important for college students to realize this and
make the most of their college friendships while
they can.
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Office of Student Affairs, University
Health Service, BACCHUS. GAMMA
& the Athletic Association present
THE
GREATEST
HUMAN
NEED
How to have a healthy self-image
An evening with
H. Stephen Glenn
family psychologist
Monday, June 4th
7:30 p.m. Tate Theater
Reception following
Students $1.00 Non-students $2.00