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SPORTS
Burkhart’s and Sports Page Sweep Hotlanta's Spring Invitational
This past weekend, on March 26 to
be exact, this roving sports reporter and
his faithful roving sports photographer
Jeannine, (actually, this was our first
assignment, but she seemed faithful)
had the profound good fortune to
attend the Hotlanta Spring Invitational
Tournament, hosted by the Hotlanta
Softball League, at the Southside
Recreational Center on Jonesboro Road.
Folks, I am only sorry that my
"peculiar" style of writing cannot imbue
the extreme sense of team spirit, of gay
and lesbian-ness, of just plain good all-
American fun, that hit you smack in
the face the minute you arrived at the
park. Because of this, and because the
people themselves said it better than I
could report second-hand, this article
will contain many of the cheers
overheard during the festivities. Of
course, since my only desire is to make
you, gentle reader, feel that you were
actually a part of everything that
happened, I will include directions on
how you can do these particular cheers
in the privacy of your own home.
Before reading any further, you should
now sing the opening bars of "Take
Me Out to the Ballgame", fading out
when you get to the cracker-jack pan.
Okay, you ready? We arrive at the
ballpark around 11:00, just in time for
the start of two games (obviously, play is
simultaneously taking place on two fields): we
have the Armory Falconettes playing against
Sports Page, and Bulldog's men's team playing
against Burkhart's. Time for the explanations.
Here's who we have playing today. AV S
Renegades, Bulldog's men’s team and Bulldog's
women's team (Meshugenahs), Burkhart's Pub,
Toolulah's, Sports Page, and Armory Falcons
(men) and Falconettes (women).
Now remember, folks, this is my first outdoor
event where it's actually a gorgeous day. We're
talking sun and warmth! We're also talking
several men, softball players at that, lounging
around with their shirts off (I've told you before,
I'm only human). I fell in love twice, my
faithful photographer only once. She probably
would have upped her score, but the women don't
have their shirts off.
"Here we go, Bulldogs, here we go!" (clap,
clap). REPEAT till tired or somebody stops. You
all know the tune that goes with that, don't you?
Now, on both of the fields, there are honest-to-
God working scoreboards, and for the
Bulldog's/Burkhart's game that started when we
arrived, there is even an announcer with a great
sport reporting voice. The spectators are eating
this game up. Anytime something great happens
on the field, the fans stand en masse, jumping up
and down on the bleachers with gutteral
exclamations of "Ooh, Ooh,Ooh!" The umpire
throws me for a loop, though. He has an
idiosyncratic way of holding both hands above
his head, fingers spread wide, and, at the top of
his lungs, yelling, "Aiieeee!" Now folks, I
thought I had heard all the ways an ump could
butcher the work "strike", but this is a new one on
me. Also during the game, I notice the good ole
sports-type ass-patting that occurs so frequently
in "straight" professional sports games, although
here there is just a moment longer hesitation on
the cheek, but I never noticed an actual squeeze.
It's now way past lunchtime, and, can you
believe it, there's even a concession stand here,
the thing I so sorely missed at the tennis
tournament. Softball wouldn't be softball without
a hot dog and a coke, am I right? So that's
exactly what I got, a nice juicy ballpark frank that
plumps when you cook 'em. At least they have
weenies for me; once again, I feel sorry for
The Spirit of "The Armorettes", cheerleaders for the Armory Falconettes, made
everyone's day. Photo by Jeannine Quintana
Jeanirine that they don't have any chicken breasts.
Okay, let's move to the other field, Armory
Falconettes against Sports Page. The other field
may have an announcer, but this particular game
has the Armorettes, a small but oh-so-vocal group
of cheerleaders whose job it is to "raise hell and
bring glamour to the activities," as they put it.
Example: "Three up, hoo-hoo, three down, hoo-
hoo." Now, to do this one at home, you have to
slip into a falsetto on the hoo-hoo parts. Here's one
I don't get "Come on juicy, hit the tree." Folks,
there isn't a single tree on this field, and rightly so
in my opinion. Maybe this is just a
euphemistically phrased request for a home run.
Like I said, I don't get it
Now, at first, I must admit that I didn't think the
women's teams were as vocal as the men's teams,
but when the Falconettes retired to the bull-pea I
changed my mind instantly. All hell broke loose.
Maybe their enthusiasm stems from the fact that
this is the very first season for the women's
division in Hotlanta Softball in Atlanta. These
women are psyched! "It's time to kick some ass!"
For this one, you have to gradually inflect your
voice upward on each word till you're got a vein-
bulging scream on the ass pari (One more quick
aside. Now that I have to consciously avoid
gender-oriented writing, I was afraid that "bull
pen" was too sexist a phrase or place to
let the women's teams retire. But after
watching them play, and realizing that
"cow-pen" would never in a zillion
years get past my editor, I decided that
"bull" will fit the bill quite nicely.) The
men’s field allowed me to see ass-
patting, a baseball standard. Here on
the women's field, I get to see another.
They spit. After all was cheered and done, here's
how the teams stacked up. Once more, "D"
stands for defeated.
People, people, people. You want to have a
good time this summer? You want to hoop and
holler with a whole lot of other self-proclaimed
(or sympathizers of) homosexuals from all over
these United States and points beyond? I can tell
you exactly what to do. So can
Jeannine, my faithful sports
photographer. Pick a gay
softball team, any team, pack
yourself a big picnic lunch
(complete with ball park
franks, the kind that plump
when you cook 'em) and be at
Piedmont Park any Sunday
beginning April 10, about
11:00 am, and hoop and holler
to your heart's content You
won't be alone, I promise you.
Now I've got some other
news for you, and you'll excuse
me, I hope, if I get a little soap
- boxy or sentimental. I have
been transferred to Chicago,
and by the time you read this, I
will already be living there. To
everyone who has helped me
with this column, from all the
great sports organizations and
everyone involved with them,
to the staff of Southern Voice,
a great big Texas-size hug and
a hearty "Thanks!" to all those
who have touched my personal
life (and you know who you
are). I will miss you deeply.
But if I have, in my own small
way, touched your life,
constant reader, or have
brought a smile to your face, or have maybe even
helped you to get involved.then I have
accomplished a great personal goal, and can leave
extremely satisfied with that knowledge. I have
enjoyed the times I got to communicate with you,
but the torch has passed. Keep the faith, folks.
- Michael McMillan
Melanie Smith slides hard for the Sports PageJPhoto by Jeannine Quintana.
Winner: Burkhart's (1 toss)
Winner: Sports Page (undefeated)
Open
Women
Bulldog's D AVS Renegades 10-1
Sports Page D Toolulah's 16-1
Burkhart's D Armory 3-1
Armory Falconettes D Bulldogs's 14-0
Bulldog's D Armory 6-1
Sports Page D Armory Falconettes 12-6
Armory D AVS Renegades 6-2
Toolulah's D Bulldogs 12-1
Burkhart's D Bulldog's 20-4
Toolulah's D Armory Falconettes 14-8
Bulldog's D Burkhart's 10-7
Burkhart's D Bulldog's 12-3
Sports Page D Armory Falconettes 11-4
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