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Health and Healing
The gay and lesbian community is challenged to
find and improve ways of maintaining our health
and healing our hearts and our bodies. This
column will offer insight and advice by various
writers with a range of viewpoints and expertise.
If you are interested in submitting an article or
requesting a topic, contact Franklin Abbott in
care of Southern Voice., P.O. Box 54719, Atlanta,
Georgia 30308.
Self-Esteem: Building from Within
"Celebration of Life" is the theme of this
year's Lesbian and Gay Pride Week in Atlanta,
and if you aren't already participating in some
of the events of the week, there is still lime. I
feel very excited about
and grateful for both
the week and its theme.
Without the love and
joy our friends and
community offer us, it
could be all too easy to
succumb to despair and
bitterness. The
devastating losses to
AIDS, the pains of
increased homophobia
with its discussions of
compulsory testing and
possible quarantines, its
self-righteous
pronouncements that
AIDS is God’s
punishment for the sin
of being homosexual
are impacting us on
very deep and personal
levels. Many of us,
afraid and ashamed, are
responding by taking a step or two back into
the closet. Many of us, angry and depressed,
arc looking for someone or something to fight.
But as 1 talk to friends, clients, strangers, I find
again and again that many of us have been
touched so deeply by the love and courage of
others that we stand open, vulnerable to our
feelings and with a new appreciation for others'
vulnerability and tenderness. Perhaps we do
not know exactly what to do but we arc willing
and ready to say "yes" to this newly opened
dimension of love, this celebration of life that
seems to have the potential of transcending the
judgments of others and focussing on how we
want to be. What a perfect time for a focussed
week of pride and how wonderful it will be
when every day is a celebration of life and
pride.
"Every obstacle that comes along on this
planet is cither an opportunity to grow and
transcend our form and think differently or to
use it as an excuse to believe we arc all
stuck...," says Wayne Dyer, "and we have
never been a people who believe we are just
stuck where we arc."
When I think about pride, I think almost
synonymously of self-esteem. With the help
of many clients and friends, I have been
looking at the questions of self-esteem for
some time-where does it come from? Why
docs it seem to be there one minute and not the
next? How can we develop self-esteem that is
satisfying, constant, and that promotes genuine
generosity and love of others?
One observation that is confirmed again and
again in my experience-is that if the source of
self-esteem is external to ourselves it can be
lost And yet, in our culture we are taught to
seek self-esteem from external sources. We
arc "good" if we behave in ways our parents
want and "bad" when we don't For some of
us that means we wcrc/arc never good,
hopelessly bad. For the rest of us it means we
wcrc/arc never good enough, always seeking
approval and trying to avoid disapproval. In
school we were graded. Some of us were
Miaron j. Sanders
judged "smart" some "average" and some
"stupid". What child can learn in an
environment that calls him or her "stupid"?
What "smart" child can neglect the school
curriculum to read about dinosaurs or learn
how to make a garden grow?
As we grow up, more external sources of
self-esteem are offered us. We are told that
we can get it from our looks, our jobs, our
income, our clothes, the number of friends we
have or the importance of those friends. We
can have it they say, from how much we
suffer or sacrifice for others without
complaining. We can get it from being
politically correct in any group we might
belong to. In short we arc taught that we can
get self-esteem from anything we do or have
that is belter or more than what others do or
have.
When we place our self-esteem on any of
the sources outside ourselves, it can be lost
We can lose the
looks, the job, the
friends, the
acceptability of our
l opinions. External
self-esteem is also
never satisfying. We
continue to seek more
because it is an
inherently
competitive system.
How can I esteem
myself based on
income if my
neighbor earns more?
"Yes, I’m good
looking," he says,
"but I’m no Adonis."
The comparison is
lalways there. If we
lose the source of our
self-esteem we feel
lost and worthless.
The lover who adored
us is gone and suddenly we are suicidal or
desperate to find another. The group no
longer accepts our leadership and we have no
value in our own eyes.
Obviously, the only self-esteem that
cannot be lost is that which comes from
internal sources. The one relationship we can
depend on absolutely for our entire lives is the
one we have with ourselves. But it must be a
choice. Lazaris, on whose talks much of this
material is based, says very simply, "If you
truly love yourself, you will always give
yourself the best" The best self-esteem, that
which endures and satisfies begins with
honesty. Honesty is the process of being
brutally frank with ourselves and tactfully and
gently frank with others. It is not telling the
boss what an ass he is. It is about admitting to
ourselves that we are projecting father onto
him and finding that lo, and behold, he’s being
just like that father who would not give us
enough self-esteem. When we see this, we
can accept responsibility for it. Without
blame. Blame is what we have been
doing-blaming the boss for his attitudes and
behaviors and blaming ourselves for not being
good enough to fix him or win him over. We
can’t give it away if we don’t own it. Honesty
secs it and responsibility owns it. At this
point choice is present, and we can give up
the projection cither instantly or through
processing. If we have already chosen to love
ourselves, we will choose to give it up
because we will sec clearly that we are
hurting ourselves. After we have given it up,
we may indeed choose not to work with that
boss, but it will not be out of anger and
damaged self-esteem, but because we don't
wish lo be in his environment On the other
hand, we might find that the situation has
shifted and that working with him is a totally
different experience. Whether we keep the
job or not isn't important What is important
is the relationship we are building with
ourselves.
As I continue in this process of building a
loving relationship with myself, I find that my
self-esteem increases without diminishing
anyone else's, my sense of personal power
grows and along with it my willingness to
share and to take risks. My trust in my ability
to handle things increases. I begin to see how
we are all connected and as I desire not to hurt
myself, I also refuse lo hurt you. The planet I
live on becomes more real as" if a new
dimension were added. That dimension is
love, and life is sweet So, go ahead. Be
proud. Give yourself pride that can't be taken
away. Give yourself pride that is only
augmented by sharing. Give yourself the
best.
- Sharon J. Sanders, M.A.
Sharon J. Sanders is a psychotherapist in
the Atlanta area. She sees therapy as a
partnered relationship aimed at manifesting
potential whether it be at the level of
survival, growth or spirituality. She is also a
poet who loves to share her work. She may
be reached at 373-0278.
Shame
Cont'dfrom Page 12
Bonnellc continues. "Always hiding, always
trying to make excuses, wear masks, all his
energy is going towards trying to be seemingly
normal. Trying to fit in instead of sitting back
and loving the self and enjoying the self for who
he is. It's such an extreme degradation that all
that energy is being pushed into one area, finally
the body breaks down, finally the body can't
keep out the viruses...(with gays) again the
energy is not directed towards loving the self, it's
directed towards lifting the idea of the lifestyle,
making it more, making it approved of as
opposed to loving the self."
Unlike the Bom Again brigade, Bonnelle
advocates profound self-acceptance of who you
are exactly as you are. Parting company with
political activists as well, Bonnelle does not
champion campaigns for equal status though he
affirms them as a 'good liberal'. Instead, he
stakes out the inner playing field:
"I don't believe we come here to learn lessons,
I think we come here to experience ourselves.
Whatever that shows us as. Inside of me I don’t
believe I’ve come here to leant something, I've
come here to be, and to love myself
enthusiastically in dial being is the grandest type.
I think the 'lesson' is that people love themselves
enthusiastically and the healing comes from
that." So much for the notion of "bad karma".
Bonnelle also argues a sex-positive
approach-with stipulations. "In the gay
community it seemed like the only way to prove
one's lovability was to be sexually active.
Because the rest of the world was putting you
down, you had to have a way to feel or fulfill
that feeling of love and the way to do it it
seemed was to be scxuaL.If having lots of sex
makes you euphoric and gives you a place to be
absolutely creative and loving of yourself and
others, so be it. If it confuses you, doesn't give
you any space or joy, makes you feel trapped,
makes you feel like you have an addiction as
opposed to an expression, then I would say you
need to look at it."
In closing, Bonnelle offers his personal
philosophy as a way to live. "Every being who’s
ever come to my door has always been
completely accepted for who they are because I
accept me and know that who I am is just for me
and who they are is just for them. And so no
threat is there."
- Dave Patrick Hayward
Gary Bonnelle offers classes, lectures and
consultations on an individual basis. 255-7266.
Sharon. U Sanders
psychotherapy
1549 Clairmont Rd.
Suite 108
Decatur. GA 30033
(404) 373-0278
DEBORAH E. KEEFE
ATTORNEY AT LAW
LaVista Center
(404) 634-3835
1535 LaVista Road, N.E.
Atlanta, GA 30329
First Existentialist Church
S\ of Atlanta
470 CANDLES PAJUC DRIVE, NX ATLANTA. GIOBGIA 30307
378-5570
R. Lanier Clance, Minister
Services 11:00 AM, Sunday
Circle of Healing, 3:45 PM
1st & 3rd Sundays
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