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PAGE 18 THE SOUTHERN ISRAELITE May 30, 1986
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Jewish Princess, Prince
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by Carolyn Gold
After looking at the problems
that single men and women have in
finding one another. TSI wondered
how Atlanta's young Jewish mar
riages are turning out. The follow
ing describes different insights of
two of the city's marriage counse
lors. — Editor.
“A sense of entitlement that
comes with being special, with being
a Jewish Prince,” is definitely a
problem which brings young Jew
ish couples to seek help, says one
Atlanta marriage counselor. It’s
the young man who thinks that
“life should not be as rough.” The
prince—who can’t find the perfect
Miss 10, who has a certain petti
ness about his expectations—feels
that he should have his freedom
without responsibility to interact
or be as considerate of his mate.
This is how Mildred Kagan des
cribes what she is seeing in her
practice as the most obvious issue
today. Yet, the brighter side of this
is that these same men, many of
them young professionals, are
seeking growth and development
for themselves and in their rela
tionships, and are attaining more
openness and awareness.
Usually they come at the urging
of the wife; nevertheless they are
more willing than in past years to
look at the issues, take certain
risks, go into group therapy, to
hang in there—“to stop and con
sider what needs changing in their
belief system,” says Mrs. Kagan.
She attributes this in part to the
values from their Jewish orienta
tion and its strong family emphasis.
“Young people are more psycho
logically oriented now,” says Mil
lie, as she is most often called. She
laughingly adds, “They accept that
you don’t have to be crazy and that
therapy can be an enriching ex
perience.”
Dr. Lloyd Mendelson thinks that
the biggest problem in the first four
or five years of marriage lies in the
area of control. Each partner is try
ing to control the other, to make
the partner fit the dream of how
they want the other to be.
Yet, he feels that couples want
the union to work. They are not
ready to disregard the marriage
quickly. He says he also hears a lot
about the “JAP” syndrome, but he
thinks Judaism has no exclusive
rights to that.
The generation of today’s young
marrieds “got an awful lot,” he
points out. “The JAP label is a
form of hostility which really des
cribes immaturity and is not espe
cially relevant to Judaism.”
Millie Kagan, MSW, ACSW,
has been in private practice for 25
years. She opened her part-time
office while she was working for
the Child Service and Family
Counseling Center, a position she
held for 18 years. She now sees
only private patients and special
izes in marriage counseling. Her
preparation was done at Columbia
University School of Social Work.
Lloyd Mendelson, a native At
lantan who has a Ph. D. from Flor
ida State University in marriage
and family therapy, did case super
vision at the Jewish Family and
Children’s Bureau from 1972 to
1975. At the same time, he started a
private therapy practice at which
he now works exclusively.
Mrs. Kagan had several interest
ing observations about today’s
young women. She thinks the Jew
ish woman “has a growing sense of
not being too preciptitous in
throwing away the marriage rela
tionship.” This counselor sees the
divorce rate slowing and agrees
with Dr. Mendelson that there is
less tendency to “give up” on the
marriage. Other good signs to her
are that couples are getting mar
ried later and having children later;
there are dual career families and
more participation of fathers at
home.
The Jewish woman has been
burdened with the stereotypical
label of the “Jewish American
Princess,” but Mrs. Kagan thinks
perhaps that spotlight turned on
her negative aspects has caused the
Jewish female to confront herself,
to change those characteristics that
are working against her own self
interests. “It has helped her to
grow up and become a woman,”
says Millie. “The Prince must look
at himself and becomea'mensch.’”
When problems are not addressed,
they go underground and create
bigger problems. When they’re out
in the open, they can be worked on.
Therefore, the Jewish Princess may
have a headstart on the Jewish
Prince, according to Mrs. Kagan.
“She has had to look at the label
and do something about it.”
In the past a frequent problem
was that men outgrew their wives
in interests, knowledge, and social
skills. This was an issue for the
Princess, whose handicap is that
she doesn’t grow up. Mrs. Kagan
sees real value in dual careers now.
“The woman stays in touch with
the world, more on a par with her
husband.”
She adds, “Men used to resent
having to struggle, while their wives,
after the years of child-rearing, had
the freedom to play bridge or ten
nis. Now there is a positive aspect
to two careers, an equalization,
and as the children get older, it
precludes the empty nest syn
drome.”
Dr. Mendelson, on the other-
hand, feels that “everything costs
something.” So when both partners
work, they make material gains
but “something is lost in the pro
cess.” He describes the situation:
“Both come home tired from work
ing: children, exercise schedules,
everything comes before time for
the marriage.”
The priority of the marriage gets
pushed down, creating a strain, he
thinks. “The marital relationship is
like a living entity. All living things
need attention, need nurturing.”
Therapist Kagan says matter-of-
factly that the cost of living is so
high that one income is almost not
adequate to meet most couples’
expectations. Their desires for a
standard of living which includes
the better things, such as travel, are
also a product of how they were
reared. She cautions, however,
that problems may arise when these
desires shift away from basic values.
When asked if she felt that the
acquisition of things has taken
precedence over “doing without”
to spend more time with children,
she replied that this is a shift that
must be dealt with. The couple
must question, “Are our values
becoming shallow—just material
istic?”
Mrs. Kagan has observed sev
eral results in the present trend
of living together before marriage.
First, she says, after marriage
something changes. The couple
often begins to play roles. They are
not as free as before. There is a
transitional process. However, she
thinks that in most cases the situa
tion is more productive and posi
tive than a hasty marriage, for the
two have more knowledge of each
other.
Mendelson says the social shock
has run its course and, in his expe
rience, there is little relation between
living together and being married.
There is a different bond, a differ
ent commitment. “It’s the differ
ence between playing house and
owning one. Playing house is ob
viously easier.”
As did Millie Kagan, Dr. Men
delson mentioned the strong fam
ily orientation in most Jewish cou
ples’ backgrounds. He spoke of
in-law problems as an issue which
his patients discuss. In many cases
in-laws are still giving money and
that oftens means they try to assume
control, or overstep boundaries.
“They even want to tell the couple
how to decorate their apartment.”
Mrs. Kagan sees mothers feeling
neglected because their daughters
are busy, active, and not as avail
able as the parent would like. In
their desire for more attention,
they lay guilt trips on their daugh
ters. She tells the younger women
that separation is part of growing
up and means defining boundaries,
being in charge of one’s life.
Not only in her practice but in
her daughters’ circle of friends,
Millie Kagan is witnessing a spe
cial phenomenon of the young
marrieds. “Couples are putting
tremendous energy into planning
for help at home and in looking at
schools. They do research into child
care like it’s a project for graduate
study." She finds this cooperation
commendable, and she says cou
ples are showing a similar pattern
of working toward good results
when they come into therapy.
‘When problems are not addressed, they go underground
and create bigger problems. When they’re out in the open,
they can be worked on. Therefore, the Jewish Princess
may have a headstart on the Jewish Prince, according to
Mrs. Kagan. “She has had to look at the label and do
something about it.’”