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SATURDAY, April i ■«, 1789.3
A
THE AUGUSTA CHRONICLE
AND
GAZETTE of the STATE.
1 • —T I - 1 - • ■— —— ~ 1 ■■
FREEDOM of the PRESS, and TRIAL by JURY, to remain inviolate forever. Conjliiution of Georgia*
AUGUSTA: Printed by JOHN E. SMITH, Printer to tiiE State; Essays, Articles of
Intelligence , Advertisements , $c. will be gratefully received , and every kind of Printing performed .
Humorous Relation of the Dis
tress of a Bafhful Man.
[From “ Varitty a Colie Sion of E/Jays']
Sir,
I LABOUR under a species of diftref 5
which I fear will at length drive me ut
terly from that society in which I am most
ambitious to appear; but I will give you a
short sketch of my origin and present situa
tion, by which you will be enabled to judge
of my difficulties.
My father was a farmer of no great pro- *
perty, and with no other learning than what
he had acquired at a charity school; but my
mother being dead, and I an only child, he
determined to give me that advantage which
he fancied would have made him happy, viz.
a learned education. I was sent to a country
grammar school, and from thence to the tJni
verfity, with a view of qualifying for holy
orders. Here, having but small allowance
from my father, and being naturally of a ti
mid and baffiful disposition, I had no oppor
tunity of rubbing off that native awkward- j
nefs which is the fatal cause of all my uuhap
pinefs, and which I now begin to fear can ne
ver be amended. You mud know, that in
my person I am tall and thin, with a fair com
plexion, and light flaxen hair; but of such -
cxtitfrne fufeeptibility of fliame, that, on the
fmallieff fubjeef of coftfufion, my blood rallies ,
into my cheeks, and I appear a perfeft full ;
blown rose. The consciousness of this un- ,
happy failing made me avoid society, and I
became enamoured of a college life; parti
cularly when'l reflated that the uncouth man
ners ot my father’s family were little calcu
lated to improve ray' outward conduct; I
therefore had resolved on living at the Uni
versity and taking pupils, when two unexr
peded events greatly altered the softure of
my affairs, Wiz. my father’s death, aftd the
arrival of an uncle from the Indies.
This uncle I had very rarely heard mv la
ther mention, and it was generally believed
that he was long since dead, when he arrived
in England only a week too late to clyfe his
brother’s eyes. I am ashamed to confefs,
what I believe has been often experienced by
thpfe whose education has been better than
their'parents, that my poor father’s ignorance .
and vulgar language had often made me blush i
to think' I was his fon’j and at his death I was »
not incoufolable for the loss of tfjdt which I
was ribt unfrequently alhamed to own. My
uncle had been but little affeded, for he hid
been feparared from lus brother more than
thirty years, and in that time he had acquired
a fortune which he used to brag would make
a Nabob happy ; in ffiorr, he had brought
over with him the enormous sum of thirty
thousand pounds, and upon this he built* his
hopes of never, ending happiness. While he
was planning fcheraes of greatness and de
light, whether the change of climate* might
affeft him, or what other cause I know not,
but he was snatched from all his dreams of
joy by a ihort illnefa, of which he died, leav
ing me heir to all his property. And now, Sir,
behold we at the age of twenty-five well
flocked with Latiu, Greek, and Mathematics,
poffeffcd of an ample fortune, but so awk
ward and unversed in every gentleman-like
•ceomplifhmenr, that I am pointed at by ail
who fee meat the wealthy hantd tUwn*
GEORGIA ;
I have lately purchased an ertatc in the
country, which abound* iu (what is called)
a fathionable neighbourhood ; and when you
refled on my parentage and uncouth manner,
you will hardly think how mu< h my company
is courted by the furroundirrg families, espe
cially by those who have marriageable daugh
ters. From these gentlemen I have received
familiar calls, and the mod prefling invita
tions, and, although I wilhed to accept their
offered friendship, I have repeatedly exetifed
myfelf under the pretence of not b'cing quite
fettled ; far the truth is, that, when I have
rode or walked, with full intention to return
their fevera! visits, my heart has failed me as
I approached their gates, and I have frequent
ly returned homeward, resolving to try again
to-morrow.
However, I at length determined to con
quer my timidity* and three days a*o accept**
ed of an invitation to dine this day with one
whose open eafv manner left me no room to
doubt a cordial welcome. Sir Thomas
Friendly, who lives about two miles diflant,
is a Baronet, with about tWothoufand pounds
a year eflate, joining to that I purchased ; be
has tWo son s and five daughters, all grown
up, and living with their mother and a mai
den fffter of Sir Thomas’s, at Friendly-Hall,
dependent on their father. Conscious of my
unpoiiflied gait, I have for fame time part
taken private leffnis of a Proffor, who teat li
es u grown gentlemen to dance and though
I found won Herons difficulty at firit in the art
he taught, my knowledge of the marhcma'ks
was of prodigious nfe, in teaching me the
equilibrium of mv body, and the due adjust
ment of the centre of gravity to the five po
sitions. Hiving now acquired the art of walk
ing without tottering, and learned to make a
how, I boldly ventured to obey tlie Baronet’s
invitation to a family dinner, not doubting
but my new acquirements would enable me
to fee the ladies with tolerable intrepidity :
but, alas ! how vain are all the hopes of theo
ry when unfnpported by habitual practice.
As I approached the libtife a dinner bell
alarmed my ears, left I had spoiled the din
ner by want .of punctuality ; imprefled with
this idea I biulhed the deepest crimson, as my
name was repeatedly announced by the seve
ral livery servants, who uthered me into the
library, hardly knowing what or whom I faw';
at my firft entrance I fummone'd all my forti
tude, and made my new learned bow to La
dy Friendly, but unfortunately in bringing
back my left foot to the third position, I trod
upon the gouty toe of poor Sir Thomas, who
had followed c lose at my heels, to be the ro
menclator of the family. The coqfuflon this
occasioned in me is hardly to be conceived,
flpee none but baffiful men can judge of my
Hiftrefs, and of that defeription the number I
believe is very small. The Baronet’s polite-
by degrees dissipated my concern, and I
was aftonirtied to fee how far good breeding
could enable him to support his feelings, and
to appear with perfett ease, after lo painful
an accident.
The chearfulnefi of her Ladyfliip, and the
familiar chat of the young ladies, insensibly
led me to throw off mv reserve and fliaepiih
nefs, till at length I ventured to join in con
vention, and even to start frefti fubjrlls.
The lihrarv being richly furuiffied with hooka
in elegant bindings, I conceived Kir Thqmaa
10 t>« * man of htiratura, and vanlund to
£Vol. 111. No. CXXXII.J
give rny opinion concerning (hi several edi
tion!* of the Greek cla flicks, in which the Ba
ronet’s opinion exaftly coincided With my
own. To this fubjeft I was led, by obferv
ingau edition of Xtr.opbcn in sixteen volumes,
which (as I had never before heard of fucli
a thing) greatly excited rat curiosity, ant i
rose up to examine what ic could he: Sir
Thorrfas saw what I wfes about, and, (as I
ftippofe} willing to save jme trouble, rose to
take down the hook, which made me more
eager to prevent him, and. hastily laying my
hand on the fit rt volume, 1 pulled it forcibly ;
but lo ! inrtead of books, a book, which by
leather and gilding had been made to look like
sixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and
un'urkily pitched upon a Wydgwood irikrtand
on the table under it. In vain did Sir Tho
mas allure me there was no harm; I saw the
ink fireaming from 311 inlaid table on the Tur
key carper, and, scarce knowing what I did*
attempted to flop its progress with my cam
brick handkerchief. In the height of this
confufion, we were informed that dinner waa
served tip, and I with joy perceived that the
bell which at firft had so alarmed my fears
was only the half hour dinner hell.
In walking through the hall and ftiite of
apartments to the dining room, I had time' to
recollert my feattered senses, and was de ’red
to take my feat betwixt Lady Friendly and
her eldert daughter at the table. Since the
fall of the wooden Xenophon my face had been
continually burning like a firebrand, and I was
jufi beginning to recover mylelf, and to feel
comfortably cool, when an unlocked for ac
cident rekindled all mv beat and hjnlhes.
1 laving frt my plate of soup too near the edge
of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinnah. who
politely complimented the pattern of my
waistcoat, I tumbled the whole fealding con
tents into my lap. Tn spite of an immediate
inppJy of napkins to wipe the furface of my
clothes, my black silk breeches were not flout
enough to save me from the painful effeds of
this (tukien fomentation, and for some minute*
my legs and thighs Teemed slewing in aboilcd
canid ion ; but, recollecting how Sir Thomas
had difgtiifed his torture when I trod upon
his toe, I firmly bore my pain in silence, and
fat wi«h my lower extremities parboiled am dft
the Aided giggling of the ladies and the ftr
vants.
I’ will not relate the several blunder* which
I maeje during the firft course, or the dift*ef»
occasioned ; by my being defi'ed to carve a
fowl, or help to various dirties that flood
near me. spilling a faucepot and knocking
down a saltcellar ; rather let me haflen to the
second course, u where frerti clifaflers over
whelmed me quite.” ,
T had a piece of rich sweet pudd : ng on my
fotk, who’ll MifS Louisa Friendly I egged to
trouble me for a pigeon that flood near me ;
in my haste, scarce knowing what I did, I
whipped the pudding into my mouth, hot as
a burning coal; it was impofliblc to conceal
my agony, my eyes were darting from their
sockets. Atlaft, in spite of rtiame andrefo
lution, I was obliged to drop the cause of tor
ment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the la
dies all ,rompaflionated my misfortune, and
each advised a different application i 01 e re
commended oil, another water, but a! 1 'greed
that wine was bed for drawing out the fire;
and a glaf* of flier i* was brought me from
the fldeboird, which I foatched up with eager*