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Family Haven a respite for women in need
; Deanna called the hotline
; between clients because she
; was afraid Paul might find a
■ returned message or check the
■ caller ID on their answering
‘ machine if she called from
I home.
! She had built up her own
;hair salon business and it had
:been going well until Paul
starting working there part
;time. Even though she could
smooth some problems out
herself, she had lost clients
because of his rudeness and
occasional angry outbursts.
He grilled her about every
call, every conversation and
every encounter. She was flat
tered in the beginning of their
relationship because she
thought it was a sign of how
much he cared for her. Since
he was much older and more
experienced than she, she
thought that was just the way
it was supposed to be.
However, since their mar
riage four years earlier, he
interrogated her even about
visits to her family. He gave
her the third degree every time
she saw an old friend or spoke
with the neighbors. She didn’t
know why he bothered to ask
because he never believed
what she told him.
He hurled ridiculous accu
sations about her cheating and
having affairs, even with their
elderly landlord. He called her
ugly names and made her feel
worthless. She felt like she
was walking on eggshells. He
monitored everything she did,
everyone she spoke to, every
penny she spent. He com
plained about everything and
blamed her for it. The slightest
discrepancy displeased him
and made him explode. He
had never struck her, but he
had destroyed furniture, dish
es, and a wall in his uncon
trolled anger.
And he drank. More and
more often, which made his
rages worse.
The next day, he would cry
and apologize and beg her to
forgive him with promises that
it would never happen again.
In the past, Deanna
thought she could handle him.
She thought she could help
him. But the night before she
called the hotline, he had real
ly scared her.
They’d been going over the
books for the salon, which he
insisted upon doing, just as
he’d insisted that he be made
partner in the business.
Suddenly, he flew into a
rage. She still doesn’t know
what set him off. He started
yelling and cursing, and had
what Deanna called a “full
fledged temper tantrum.” He
went into the bathroom and
knocked everything off the
counter. He pulled everything
out of the medicine cabinet
and threw it on the floor. He
started smashing his fists into
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The United Way of
Forsyth County supports
©l6 agencies, each of
which will be profiled in
upcoming issues of the
Forsyth County News.
The United Way is in the
midst of its annual
fundraising campaign. For
lAAMI more ’ n^orrnat ' on on 'he
WIIIIMSU agencies supported by
Os Forsyth County the United Way, or to
learn how you can sup
port these local non-profit
organizations, call (770)
781-4110.
the glass shower door, until
his hands and arms were
bleeding. The shouting and
breaking glass brought the
landlord upstairs in alarm.
Paul threatened to kill him if
he didn’t leave. He threatened
to kill him anyway because he
knew he was having an affair
with his wife. Deanna grabbed
her keys and purse and hur
riedly drove to her parents.
All night her cell phone
rang, but she couldn’t bear to
speak with Paul. He left
numerous messages on her
parents’ answering machine,
sometimes threatening to
“make them pay” if they did
n’t tell him where she was,
and sometimes begging them
to help him find her.
She was afraid to go home.
Paul had a licensed gun and
this time she thought he would
use it. Her parents convinced
her to get help. She felt lucky
that she still had supportive
parents, even after Paul had
tried to sever her relationship
with them. What did women
do when they were completely
isolated from friends and fam
ily?
What Deanna learned from
that hotline phone call the next
day began a struggle to take
back her life. She found out
that there were services avail
able for women experiencing
domestic abuse. She learned
that Paul’s rages, worsened by
his drinking, were part of a
common pattern of abuse. She
discovered that her life fit the
cycle of violence that repre
sents this pattern.
It was a surprise to her that
almost all cases of abuse begin
with a period of tension where
the victim can’t do anything
right, then escalates to some
form of explosive behavior,
followed by a honeymoon
period where the abuser
attempts to lull the partner
back to a state of dependency.
She learned that his pos
sessiveness had nothing to do
with love and everything to do
with power and control. It had
worked. That’s why she had
been feeling so helpless. There
was nothing she could do to
break the cycle. It was not her
fault, nor could she change
him. He would have to do that
himself with serious counsel
ing. She realized she didn’t
deserve to live in fear and
abuse.
Deanna called a legal
advocate who helped her get a
temporary protective order.
The law was now on her side.
A policeman escorted her
home and made certain that
Paul packed his belongings
and left. She felt a peace and a
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strength she had forgotten she
knew.
Over the next few weeks,
she felt stronger each day to
do what she needed to do. She
started going to a support
group for victims of domestic
violence where she could
learn from others to value her
own worth. Within a few
months, she had gotten the
business back in her name and
it continues to grow.
She divorced Paul, filling
out all the paperwork herself.
She’s recently bought a new
van. Men are starting to ask
her out and she’s learned how
to say ‘no’ when she has any
doubt.
The protective order
ensured that Paul could not
see her, contact her, or inter
fere with her life in any way
for six months. Feeling safe
was such a relief that she felt
she was starting a new life at
37. When the order was about
to expire, she filed for a per
manent extension.
She said she’s learned not
to take any unnecessary
chances.
FORSYTH COUNTY NEWS Sunday, November 17,2002 I
—
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Photos/Submitted
Pinewood Derby winners
The Girl Scouts of Forsyth Central Service Unit held
their first Pinewood Derby on Nov. 9. Awards were
given for design and speed. Design winners were, left
to right, Arianna Head, Troop 3815, second place;
Meredith Bresnahan (did not place); Olivia Deckard,
Troop 3859, first place; and Elizabeth Ann Watts, Troop
3820, third place. Speed winners were, back row, left to
right, Beth Ray, Troop 3732, second place; Helena
Seward, Troop 3858, first place; and Haley Tiernan,
Troop 3807, third place.
■■ MF M
PAGE 5A