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POST?.?.
FROM THE GEORGIAN.
LIFE.
All! what is life!—a sickly glare
Of light, that fleetly passes on;
One hasty moment meets it here,
And ah, another finds it gone:
’Tis like the passing summer cloud,
That hangs awhile in silent heav’n,
When, hark! the thunder’s crash is heard,
And lo! the mist is riven.
Ah! what is life!—’tis like the foam,
That frets awhile on ocean’s wave,
Then curls upon its crumbling comb,
And sinks within its watery grave:
’Tis like a passing breath of air-—
’Tis like a snow flake on the river,
Now, for a moment, floats it there,
Now melted is forever.
Ah! what is life!—’tis like the dew
That softly falls in silent night,
To bathe the thirsty mountain’s brow,
Tbcr flee away with early light:
’Ti. like the radiant, beauteous bow,
T* l spans the stormy clouds of even,
Cr, ... >qtant brightly there to glow,
* nisli into heaven.
''iilgliiMF.RRYFET.LOW.
Tj? 4 ! would-be sapient cried,
jj aj^fine who laughs at ine:
•. . -o'! a sneering friend rdfftied,
mindsan<v you must be.
’• JFWtRation'-*—
'ennHee of an extravagant Shrew's Husband.
ollow thy fortune ” a Termagant cries,
i Vhose lavish expense caus’d the evil:)
fiat were quite obliging,” the husband replies,
For my fortune has gone to the D—1!”
FROM BLACKWOOD’S MAGAZINE.
tv\f.nty-onE MAXIMS TO MAURY BY, AD
TO THE SINGLE GENTLEMEN.
To be thus, is nothing,
lut to be safety thus!”—Shakesptar.
I no
tltaf was
of woirial
Whitechapel, just asStJoti its a kinsman that
was a clerk in the Victualling office—pro
vided he deserved it, or you took it into
your head that it was convenient to do it!
Besides, a nice woman is worth all the mo
ney in the Bank. What would you do with
it, after you had it, but give it all for one?
Please your taste, my children; and so that
you get an honest woman, and a pleasing
one, to the devil send the remainder. And
then, to guide your choice, take the.follow
ing maxims. Those who have brains, will
perceive their value at a glance ; and such
as are thick-headed, can read them three or
four times over. And let such not be too
hastily disheartened ; for it is the part of
wit, (and of this Magazine,) to bear with
dullness; and one comfort :s, when you
have at last beaten any thing into a skull of
density, the very devil himself can hardly
ever get it out again. “ We write on brass,”
as somebody or other observes, and some
where, “ less easily than in water ; but the
impression, once made, endures forever.”
MAXIM T.~
Now, in making marriage, as in making
love—and indeed in making most other
things—the beginning it, that is. the diffi
culty. But the French proverb labout be
ginning—“ C’est le premier pas Oui coute ”
goes more literally to the, arrangement of
marriage; as our English wdil illustrates
j the condition of love,—“ The firs t step over,
the rest is easy.” Because, in the marry
ing affair, it is. particularly, the “ first step ”
that “ costs ”—as to your cost you will find,
if that step happens to go the wrong way.
And most men, when they go about the busi
ness of wedlock, owing to some strange de-
[lusiqn, begin the affair at the wrong end.
They take a fancy to the white arms—
(sometimes only to the kid gloves)—or to
the neat apcles of a particular school girl,
rind conclude, from these premises, that she is
just the very woman of all the world to scold
houseful of servants, and to bring up
dpzen children ! This is a convenient de-
a safe one. Plea-
nest man’s wi
n, habit is always
strongeiV&an rcaso
■MAXIM VI.
But til greatest point, perhaps, to be
aimed at\n marrying; is ^to know, before
marriage, What it is thatyew'have to deal
with. YA are quite sure to know, fast
enough; arorrirards. Be sure, therefore,
that you ctmpience the necessary inquisi
tions before yd* have made up your mind,and
not as people gta&ally do, after* Remem
her there is no uso in watching a woman
that you love; because she can’t do any
thing; do what she vill, that will be dis
agreeable to you. And still less, in ex
amining a woman thailoves you; because
fot the time, she will quite sure not to do
aiiy thing that ought t> be disagreeable to
you. I have known'a hundred perfect
tigresses as playful as kittens, quite more
obliging than need be, kinder sueh circum
stances. It is not a bad way, maid or
widow, when you find irourself fancying a
woman, to make her be ieve that you have
an aversion to her. If me has any conceal
ed good qualities, they are pretty sure to
come out upon such a
N:'BF~ ■
knew a good fellow in fell my life, ( diction, but not always
bt,;dome way or other, the dripe|*\nt ? likfe Dr. Maculloch’s deductions in
ly; ano
are g
bridled
other.
If a go
out ofvhum.1
writes, what
If he grimes
lavish upon
dour, wit,
good
keeps
them
ab
One man is an ass unconscious-
ier with,his eyes open ; but all that I
e j-Y-Ii ... -
!-1 his Political Economy; but generally wrong.
— — j r —, , Let; not; the creaking of shoes, nor the
lor ^any thing, are saddled and I rustlingVtjf silk, betray the poor heart,” as
sontp .^ray, and at some time or Shakespe^r 'says, &c. &c. “to woman!”—
Implying thereby, that red sashes and lace
ellow drinks, it is-.because he is flounces are hut as things transitory ; and
If he [that , she who puts ornnmeuts of gold and
silvpr upon her own bead, may be a “ crown
to her husband”—and yet not exactly such
a “ crowu” as King Solomon meant a vir
tuous woman should be. He that has ears
to hear—(while he has nothing worse than
ears)—let him hear! A word to the wise
holly! Why then, after we have I should he enough. There are some particu
women, which we all of us do, and Ilar qualities now and then very likely to
it out that they are no more to be trust- [lead a gentleman on the sudden to make a
than fresh caught monkeys, which the j lady his wife; and, after she has become so,
bestof usare very likely to do, what does it) very likely again to make him wish that
X with Some woman.
a’uoutybut woman? I
why is it, but to get money to I
ier? For all his courage, ar-l
ity, good temper, and all other I
ties that he possesses, woman
open market, and can engross I
dome to after all but this, that they are the
^evil’s plagues of our lives—and we must
-fliave them ?
y j —‘— . „ v -
abouts,” and good for any thing, you’ll cer
tainly become attached to some woman;
and—you’ll find I’m right, so take warning
in time; depend upon it, it had better be to
an honest one. It’s Cockney taste, lads
nasty paltry Bond-street stuff, to be seen
driving about in a cabriolet with the mistress
of half the town. And, for the attachment,
never flatter yourselves that you are certain
to get “ tired ” of any woman with whom
you constantly associate. Depend upon it,
you are a great deal more likely to become
very inextricably fond of her. Kick it all
out of doors, the stale trash, that men are
naturally “indifferent” to their wives. How
the deuce should a fine woman be the worse
for being one’s wife ? And are there not
five hundred good reasons, to every body
but a puppy, why she must be the better ?
Then, as you must all of you be martyred,
they had made her anybody else’s.
MAXIM II.
White arms, and neat ancles, bring me
consideration of beauty. For, don’t sup
pose, because I caution you against all dis
habilles, that I want to fix you with a wor
thy creature, whom it will make you ex
tremely ill every time you look at. No.
leave these to apothecaries, lawyers, and
such generally, -as mean to leave money
behind them when they die. - You have
health—a competence—a handy pull at
nose, or a trigger: let them grovel. For
the style of attraction, please yourselves
my friends. I should say a handsome figure,
if you don’t get both advantages, is ^better
than a merely pretty face. I don’t mean by
“ handsome figure,” forty cubits high, and
as big round as the chief drayman at Meux’
brew house. But finely formed and set
Good eyes are a point never to be overlook
ed. Fine teeth—full, well proportioned
limbs—don’t cast these away for the sake
suffer in respectable company. Many 11 of a single touch of the small pox, a mouth
boys—it's a danger; but, though it is a dan- something too wide, or dingles rather
ger, it is the best. It is a danger! I always deeper on side than the other.
feel thankful when a man is hanged for kill
ing his vrife; because I should not choose
MAXIM HI.
It may, at some time, be a matter of con-
injoc
to kill a wife of my own; and yet the crying sideration, whether you shall many a maid
of the “ dying speech;” “ for the barbarous j or a widow. As to the taste, I myself will
and inhuman murder!” &c. &c.; is a sort give no opinion—l like both; and there are
of warning to her; as one rat, losing his advantages and disadvantages peculiar to
tail in the trap, frightens the whole granary I either. If you marry a widow, I think it
full that is left. But, though marriage is a should be one whom you have known in the
danger, nevertheless hazard it. Between lifetime of her husband; because, then ab
evils, boys!—you know the proverb?—I actu ad posse—from the sufferings of the de
choose the least. Marry, I say, all and
each of you!—Take wives; and take them
in good time, that “your names may be
long in the land.” And then, seeing that
you would, one and all of you, have wives;
comes the question, how you should go
about to get them ?
Then, in the first place, I shall assume,
that he who reads this paper, and marries,
marries for a wife. Because, if he wants a
“ fortune ” to boot, or a “ place,” or to be
allied (being aplebian) to a “ titled family,”
the cause is out of my metier; he had better
apply to an attorney at once. Don’t make
these things indispensable, any of you, if
you can help it. For the fortune, a hundred
to one when you get it, if it does not over
ride you with “ settlements,” and “ trusts,”
and whole oceans of that sort of imperti
nence, which every proper man should keep
clear of. No woman ought to be able to
hold property independent of hef husband.
And, if that is not the law, all 1 can say is,
that it jought to be so. Then, for the
“ Place ”—it’s very well to have a place,
where you can get one—but it must be the
very devil to have the donor eternally, all
your life afterwards, reminding you how
you came by it. And, for the “ titled fami
ly,” why, shut thq. book this minute, and
to read another
quoit a bro-
was* “right honourable,”
occasion.
Take caryj nevertheless, how
you tqake use of this suggestion ; because;
right or Wttrng, it is the very way to mrike
the poor : joul fall furiously and fatally in
love with rou, Vulnus alit vents, et ccecc
caipitur t; ni !
T MAXIM VII.
In judging where to look for a wife; that
is, for the lady who is to form the “ raw
material, 1 ” of one, very great caution is ne
cessary. And you can’t take any thing bet
ter winyyori, in looking about, as a general
principle, than that good mothers commonly
make tolerably good daughters. Of course,
therefore; you won’t go, of consideration
prepense, into any house where parents are
badly connected, or have been badly con
ducted. Nor upon any account at all, into
any house where you don’t quite feel, that
f you don’t conduct yourself properly, you’ll
immediately be kicked out of it. This as
surance may bo troublesome while you are
only a visitor; hut, when you come to be
one of the family ? you’ll find it mighty con
venient. If you can find any place where
vice and folly have been used to be called
by their right names, stick to that by all
means; there are seldom more than two
such in one parish; and if you see any com
mon rascal let into a house where you visit
as readily as yourself, go out of it immediately.
MAXIM VIII.
Mind; but I need hardly caution you of
this,—that you are not taken in with that
paltry, bygone nonsense about; “if you
marry, marry a fool.” Recollect that
the-greatest fool must be sometimes out of
your sight; and that she will yet carry you
(for all purposes of mischief) along with her.
A shrew may want her nails kept short;
but if you keep a strait waistcoat in the
house, you may always do this yourself.
' •A.oW j»: aalr- •f-irow«tyTlllcc your
bleating innocents,” a prey to the first
wolf who chooses to devour her.
MAXIM IX.
At the same time, while you avoid a fool,
fly, as you fly from sin and death, fly from
a philosopher! It is very dangerous to weak
minds, examining (farther than is duly deliv
eied to them) what is right or wrong,
never found any body yet who could dis
tinctly explain what murder is, if put to a de
finition.
All who find their minds superior to c$>m
mon rule and received opinion, value them
selves onf original thinking, talk politics
read Mary Wolstonecraft, or meddle with
the mathematics; these are the unclean
birds upo i whom the protecting genius of
honest men has set his mark that all may
know; and pray do you avoid them.
.. .. . MAXIM x.
If you marry an actress, don’t let her be
a tragedy one. Habits of ranting, and
whisking up and down with a long train be
fore a row of “ footlamps,” are apt to cast
an undue ludicrousness (when transplanted)
over the serious business of life. Only im
agine a castigation delivered to the cook, in
“ King Cambyses’ vein,” upon the event of
an under-done leg of mutton at dinner; or
an incarnation of Helen M’Gregor, order
ing the cat to be thrown alive into the cis
tern, if a piece of muffin was abstracted
without leave, at breakfast!
MAXIM XI.
If you do marry an actress, the singing
girls perhaps are best; Miss Paton, I think
seems very soft, and coaxing, and desirable
I myself should prefer Kitty Stephens to
see why - you should embarrass yourself
about any system of belief, so long as it of
fends only against reason, aqd tends to the
believer’s temporal advantage.
'V ' MAXIM XIV.
At the same time, after the last sentence
of the above exhortation, I need hardly tell
you that you must not marry a Roman Cath
olic. Indeed I suppose it would be a little
too much for any of you, who read me, to
fancy a pleasant gentleman claiming the
right to catechise your wives in private? F or
my part, God help any rascal who presumed
to talk of law, human or divine, in my fami
ly, except the law, which, like Jack Cade’s
law, came “ out my mouth !” I know some
thing of these matters, having once contem
plated beiug a monk myself—in fact, I had
stolen a dress for the purpose. On the
same principle, (I rather think I mentioned
this before,)—suffer no “ guardianships,” or
“ trusteeships,” in your family, to disturb
your reign, or fret your quiet. I kriew a ve
ry worthy fellow, who, having *only a mar
riage settlement brought to him, broke the
solicitor’s clerk’s neck down stairs that
brought it; and it was brought in “ Justifia
ble homicide.” If a dog dares bub to bint
that there is such a thing as “ parchment”
in your presence, plump, and rib him.
maxim xv. ' ? f
I don’t think, by the way, that there ought
to be any parchment, except the petitions
to the' HousC of Commons, which are' cut
up fo supply the tailors with measures
This is useful. Messrs. Shiel,and O’Con
nell’s work takes the dimensions of my per
son once a month very accurately. I men
tion this, because it has been said 1 that no
measures, in which the work of those gen
tlemen was concerned, ever could be taken
accurately.
MAXIM XVI.
Talking of accuracy leads me to observe
Dont marry any woman hastily at Brigh
ton or Brussels, without knowing who she is
and where she lived before she came there.
And whenever you get a reference upon this
or any other subject, always be sure and;
get another reference about the person re-
fered to.
maxim XVII.
Don’t marry any woman under twenty ;
she has not come to her wickedness before
that time. Nor any woman who has a red
nose at any age ; because people make ob
servations as you go along the street, A
‘ cast of the eye,’—-as the lady casts it upon
you, may pass muster under some circum
stances ; and I have even known those who
thought it desirable; but absolute squinting
is a monopoly of vision which ought not to
be tolerated.
MAXIM XVIII.
Talking of “ vision,” reminds me of an
absurd saying,—That such or such a one
can “ see as far through a mill-stone as
those that picked it.” I don’t believe that
any man ever saw through a millstone but
Jeremy Bentham ; and he looked through
tirc iota.
MAXIM XIX.
One hears a great deal about “ City taste;
must say, I don’t think an Alderman’s
rules—just beginning your instruction, each
of you, how to get a wife—-are spoken out.
And any directions how to manage one if
they come at all, must come at some future
opportunity. Just two words, however
even upon this head ; for I would not leave
you, upon any subject, too much unprovi
ded.
In the first place, on the very day after
your marriage* whenever you do marry, take
one precaution—be cursed with no more
troubles for life than-you have bargained for.
Call the roll of all your wife’s even speaking
acquaintance, and strike out every soui
that you have, or fancy you ought to have,
or fancy you ever shall have, a glimpse of
dislike to.
Upon this point be merciless; your wife
won’t hesitate, a hundred to one, between
husband and a gossip; and, if she does,
don’t
line that
ther-in-law
with one impetus from Charing Cross to
whether you shobld marry the widow of an
honest man or a rascal. * Against the dan
ger, that the last may have learned ill tricks,
they set th
sensible
of a gentleman
e, she will be more
ntrast) to the kindness
a man of honour. I
funct, you may form some notion of what
your own will be. If her husband is dead
before you see her, you had better be off at
once; because she knows (the jade!) what
you will like, though she never means to do „ I _„ r _
it; and, depend upon it, if you have only an I any of them. Though she is a sad lazy slut
inch of penchant, and trust yourself to look ~ ’ ” • *
at her three times, you are tickled to a cer
tainty.
MAXIM IV.
Marrying girls is a nice matter always;
for they are as cautious as crows plundering
a com field. You may “ stalk ” for a we6k,
and never get near them unperceived. You
hear the caterwauling, as you go up stairs,
into the drawing room, louder than thunder;
but it stops-—as if by magic ! the moment a
(marriageable) man puts his ear to the key
hole. I don’t myself, I profess, upon prin
ciple, see any objection to marrying a widow.
If she upbraids you at any time with the vir
tues of her former husband, you only reply;
that you wish he had her with him, with all
your sbul. If a woman, however, has had
more than throe husbands, she poisons
them; avoid her.
maxim v.
In widow-wivinsr, it maybe a question
—won’t l.qam a line, and sleeps all day up
on the sofa! But I’m a teacher; and
therefore the less I parade my own practice,
at least so the belief goes, the better.
MAXIM XII.
Be sure, wherever you choose, choose a
proud woman. All honesty is a kind of
pride ; or at least three-fourths of it. No
people do wrong, but in spite of themselves
they feel a certain quantity of descent and
self degradation : the more a woman has fo
forfeit, the less likely she is to forfeit any
thing at all. Take the pride, although you
have the virtue; the more indorsements you
get, even on a good bill, the better.
MAXIM XIII.
I don’t think the Saints, after all is said
and done, are the worst people in the
world to match among. Nine-tenths of the
mischief that women do arise less from ill
design than from idle, careless, vagabond
if fells out commbnly among the
levity.
great card players, and play bhnters; very
little among the Methodists and Presbyteri-
Of course, you won’t contract for any
thing beyond going to church fhree times a
day; and such like public professions of
faith and feeling. But for the rest, I don’t
daughter by any means (quia Cornhill mere
ly) objectionable. A fine girl may be char
ming, even though her father should be a
Common Councilman—Recollect this.
maxim xx.
On the question of getting an insight in
to matters before marriage, if possible, I
have dropped, a word alreadyIf is a point
of very great importance, and there are twe
or three modes in which, you may take your
chance for accomplishing it. If you are up
to hiring yourself into any house as a cham
bermaid—it requires tact, and close shaving
but it would put you into the way of finding
out a thing or two.. I “ took up my livery”
once as a footman, and I protest I learned
so much in three weeks, that I would not
have married any female in the family.—An
old maiden aunt or sister, if you have one,
is capable of great service. She will see
more of a tomboy in five minutes than you
would in six months ; because, having been
in the oven herself, she knows the way. On
the other hand, there is the danger that she
may sell you to some estate that she thinks
lies convenient; or even job you offto some
personal favorite, without the consideration
of any estate at all. The punic faith of all
agents—and especially one’s own relatives
is notorious.
MAXIM XXI.
On the subject of accomplishment, it is
hardly my business to advise. I leavp a
great part—the chief part—upon this point,
to your own fancy. Only don’t have any
waltzing, nor too much determined singing
of Moore’s songs ; there is bad taste, to say
the best of it in all such publicities. For
music, I don’t think there is a great deal
gained by a woman’s being able to make
an alarming jangle on the p^ano-forte, parti'
cularly under that unmerciful scheme of
“ Duetts,” in which two tyrants are enabled
to belabour the machine at the same time.
Dancing, a girl ought to-be able to execute
well; but: don’t go where any Monsieur
has been employed to give the instruction.
As dancing is on art to be acquired merely
from imitation, a graceful female—being the
precise thing to be imitated—must be a far
more efficient teacher than even Mr. Kick
the-Moon himself can be. Besides, I don’t
like the notjnm of a d—d scraper putting a
a girl of thirteen into attitudes; If I were
tocateh (tbsllet-master capering in ttiy house
I’d qualify the dog to lead in the opera be
fore he departed.
N. B.—Now we are on the subject of
dancing, don’t on any account many a
‘ lively? young lady. That is, in other words,
a * romp.’ That is, in other words, a woman
tvho has been hauled about by half your ac
quaintance.
And now my friends, thy first twenty-one
don’t you. Be particularly sharp upon the
list of women; Of course, men, you would
frankly kick any one from Pall-Mall to Pim
lico, who presumed only to recollect ever
having seen her.
And don’t Re manoeuvred out of what you
mean, by cards 1 , or morning calls, or any no
tion of what people call good breeding.”
Do you be content to show your ill breeding
by shutting the door, and the visitors can
show their good breeding by not coming
again. s
Orie syllable;more to part; if you wish
to be happy yourself, be sure that you must
make your wife so. Never dispute with her
where the question is of no importance ; nor
where it is of the least consequence, let any
earthly consideration ever once induce you
to give way. Be at home as much as you
can ; be as strict as you will, but never speak
unkindly ; and never have a friend upon
such terms in your house, as to be able to
enter it without ceremony.
Above all, remember that these maxims'
are, intrusted to all of you, as to persons of
reason and discretion. A naked sword on
ly cuts the fingers of a madman; and the
rudder with which the pilot saves the ship,
iu the hands of the powder monkey, would
only probably force her upon 4he rocks.
Recollect, that your inquest as to matrimo
ny, is a matter of, the greatest nicety ; be
cause, either an excess of vigilance, or a de
ficiency, will alike compromise its success.
If you dont question far enough, the odds
are ten to one that you get a wife who will
disappoint-you. If you question a jot too
far, you will never get a wife at all.
•A Contented jMtJid.—An old sailor, who
was brought u(k at Westminster Sessions
for riotous conduct at the admirsdity, wljpto
it appeared, had been placed in Greenwich*!
Hospital, but had too much fight in hiip tp.
keep quiet, -after having undergone a long"
examination, and made several very uncoui-
teous answers to the questions put to him,
became rather violent in his language, when
the Chairman remarked :•—“ If you are sent
to a gaol, you will be placed under prison
discipline, and be-ke«£~on bread arid water.
Really let me advise you not to act 80 vio
lently.”—Prisoner—“ Well, Sir, you may
do as you like ; but mind me, Sir, ‘ Jl con
tented mind is a constant feastf Why, curse
it, it is no use to send me down'for three or
four days, after beiqg twenty eight years in
the service : send me down for life at once,
and then I’ll have,something to trust to.”
Inscnption at .flora.—The following in
scription is written in large characters on
the principal gate of the City of Agra, in
Hindostan; “In the first year of King
Julef, 2,000 couple were divorced by the
magistrates, by their mutual consent. The
Emperor learning this, was so indignant,
that he abolished divorce. The folio win
year the number of marriages at di
minished 3,000—the number of adulteries
increased 7,000—3000 women were burnt
for poisoning their husbands—75 men were
burnt for killing their wives—and the value
of their furniture broken and destroyed was
three millions of Rupees. The Emperor
re-established the law of divorce.—India
Journal.
/
Tailor’s Cabbage.—In the Sovereign’s
Court, Belfast, a few days ago, a tailor sum
moned a baker for not paying his demand
for making two coats for him. The man of
flour, in his defence, declared, that he had
been robbed by the tailor, who had taken
one quarter of the cloth! To prove this, he
said he weighed the cloth in his scales, and
it was as follows :—Weight of cloth given
to the tailor, October 31, twelve pounds two
ounces : weight of the two coats returned,
made up, nine pounds one ounce and a
quarter ; manifest deficiency, or amount of
cabbage, three pounds and three quarters of
an ounce. The tailor pleaded the shreds
and cutting : but the baker argued that thix
buttons and thread, and lining and wadding^
made up all that could be reasonably deduc
ted on that score. Finally, the point in
dispute was left to arbitration.—Eng. paper*
We have met with many epistles, which
were written with such apparent contempt
for common sense, that we were exceeding
ly puzzled to divine the meaning of the au
thor, but we have rarely read one, which
manifests such an utter disregard for ortho-
graphy, etymology, and every rule of gram- ;
mai, as the following; business letter, which
was received some time feince by a friend.-—
N. J. Eagle. ^ .
“ Sir I Called at —— this Day te tak Up
my note I Could not git It Sir now I think
you have had me for a full Loqg anuff to
Run to Collect yeur Dept he will not give
me tbe tiote Til you Setel With,him I'will
not bee your Lacy boy afty longer to hoe
Laft at her.re Is 3 yhan, yen Rave Cep me.
Runea Lijte a Dart full.” y .« T •
this from a friehff .J.
to— ■