Newspaper Page Text
Parlor Magic*
Borrow a Panama hat, the more ex
pensive the better, and hold it up bo
that your audience can see that it does
not contain either a savings hank or a
white whale. You then procure an ordi
nary kerosene lamp, remove tho shade
and light the wick. You are now ready.
Pass tho hat five or six times over the
light, or until it is a complete blaze; then
quickly placing the hat in a box, into
which you have previously dejiositod
two pounds of common gunpowder—the
hat and box will instantly disappear.
This trick never fails to astonish.
Avery amusing, although exciting
trick, is to cause person in the audience
to start from his stmt without the aid of
machinery, bent pins, or the placing of
hands. This feat requires u little pre
paration during the day, as will be seen.
You open a book and pretend to vend as
if from its contents, and immediately a
young Indy in the audionco will start to
ward you with a shriek, and if you are
wise you will have a rear window open,
through which you can pass. The
secret of the trick consists in your read
ing a purloined letter of your sister's
from her lover.
Lay a wager with some gentleman in
front of you that he can not walk to
within three feet of you without pausing
and throwing back his head, assuring
him that tho floor will not be obstructed
in any manner. This trick never fails,
and its success depends upon having a
well-waxed thread streched across tho
room at the height of the gentleman’s
throat. Do not attempt this with your
father.
A good conclusion to an evening’s en
tertainment of this kind is called “Dis
solving Feat,” in which you turn ont tho
gas for sixty seconds, and on lighting it
the room will be vacated of all but your
self. The moment the gas is turned out
you produce from a hermetically sealed
box about a pound of Limberger cheese.
The effect is wonderful, especially if the
evening be very warm.
If you are not a ventriloquist you can,
nevertheless, make your friends believe
you are. Before the audience assembles
place your little brother under a barrel,
having, of course, first instructed him
as to the replies he should mnko to your
questions. At the proper tima you walk
up to the barrel, and, giving it a sharp
rap with your knuckles, say: “Are you
there, sir?” The reply comes, “No, I
am somewhere else!” Then you hold an
animated conversation with a supposed
(?) person, in which many of your family
secrets are divulged, and when at tho
close you inform your audience that you
will imitate a drowning person and pour
a pail of water through a hole in the bend
of a barrel, all are wonderfully amnzed
except your brother, who will bo madder
than a hatter.
A Practical Joke on the Wrong Party.
Mr. Wagon was tho victim. His son
Johnny is a mischievous lad, and ono
day resolved to play a trick on his broth
er." He arranged certain attachments to
that brother’s bed, worked by cords run
ning to his own room, and then went off
fishing. While he was gone, his brother
was sent away to be absent over night,
and a lot of company arrived at tho
house. Mr. Wagon gave up his own
room to them and occupied the absent
son’s bed. Johnny got home late at
night, and wholly ignorant of this
change of arrangements, went to his
room, which was next to his mother’s,
and prepared to perpetrate his designs
upon his brother.
The first proceeding was a haul on a
cord which ran between the blankets and
spread on his brother’s bed, and, being
fastened at the top, would pull the
clothes off the bed. Mr. Wagon was
comfortably tucked in, when suddenly
the clothes began to slip, and ho found
himself uncovered. Ho thought he
might have kicked them off, and sat up
and took hold of the clothes to pull them
back. Meanwhile, Johnny had yanked
another cord which pulled the pillow off
the bed. Mr. Wagon discovered his loss
and reached for the pillow, and when he
got it, the clothes went off again. He
was much excited at that, and again
went after the clothes and again lost his
pillow.
That time the pillow went under the
bed and Mr. Wagon wont after it, and
immediately came out again and swore
prodigiously, for the floor was strewn
with chestnut burrs, and he had gotton
into them. He resolved to scold the
chambermaid for leaving so many pins
on the floor. Once more he attempt to
get the pillowq and, as it was way under,
he made a frantic dive for it, and just
then Johnny, who was shaking with
laughter, pulled the last cord and the
whole bed came down upon Mr. Wagon
and jammed him upon the burrs.
His frantic howls brought his wife and
friends to the rescue, and he was fished
out. And then the gas was lighted and
somebody discovered the cords running
to Johnny’s room. Mr. Wagon at once
hastened there. The lad explained that
he thought his brother was in tho bed,
but it didn’t make any difference. His
yells wero mistaken by a man sleeping
half a milo away for a cry of fire, and he
jumped out of bed so hard that ho
sprained a toe. And the next day when
Johnny went to school he got spanked
again because he wouldn't sit down, and
is now resolved to run away from home
the first chance he can get, as this part
of the country is a mighty discouraging
region for a boy.— Exchange.
A Queer Roman Custom.
There is another custom which is ob
■erved by all true Romans, namely, the
eating of large beans on the 2d of No
vember. The origin of this custom is
not known; but it is thought that in olden
times the dead were honored in May
instead of November and that, as beans
were then in season, they formed part of
the feast. Now, however, dried beans
have to be eaten, and as everyone does
not like that food„ the church allows imi
tation bean*. These are made of sugar
and pastry, mac\e up in the shape of and
called dead men’s bones. The very
name is sufficient to deter many from
partaking of this pastry, though it is
said to be delicious, but the sight of a
human bone, even when being eaten by
the prettiest of mouths, is not pleasant,
lire custom of placing these death-bones
on dining-tables had the same origin as
that of introducing skeletons at festivals
to remind the guests that all were mor
tal and that it was best to enjoy life
whilst they could.
Brutal Conduct of n Husband.
A fashionable Galveston woman wanted
to impress her husband with her house
keeping abilities; so, when the cook left,
she went down into the kitchen and
cooked breakfast, and she made an awful
mess of it. They sat down to the tablo,
and her husband noticed that she had a
rag on her finger, so he asked what was
the matter.
“I burned it while frying tho steak,”
she replied.
“Well, any woman who would put
such a breakfast as this on the tablo !
ought to be burned at the stake,” re
plied the brute.
Oolng to a Dinner-Party.
“Now, wo havon't got much time to
got ready, my dear, suggested Mr.
Spoopenayke, cheerily, “and I won't be
late at a dinner-party, I want you to
fix up so ns to be the best-looking woman
at tho table. You can got ready in an
hour, can’t you?”
“I think I can,” replied Mrs. Spoopon
dyke, with a titter. "O yes, I can dress
in that tirao, and I hope you won't bo
disappointed in me," and the little wo
man began to take down her back hair.
“You might get my shaving tncklo
for me,” said Mr. Spoopendyko, appro
priating Iho only mirror. “And now I
think of it,” ho continued, after a pause,
“my dress-coat needs a button. Sew it
on, won't you?”
Mrs. Spoopendyke lugged out tho
cont, and hunted through a broken-down
old bag after a button that would do.
“Got that button sewed on yet?” in
quired Mr. Hpoopondyke, lathering away
comfortably.
“In a minute, my dear,” responded
his wife.
“Well, hurry up; I want you to put
these studs and sleovo-buttons into my
clean shirt.”
Mrs. Snooper lyke gradually got
around to those offices, and laid out tho
hnbilimont in readiness for her lord.
"Did you take those stitches in my
gloves?” inquired Mr. Spoopendyko.
“O yes, certainly,” replied Mrs.
Spoopondyke, going right to work at it.
“Weil, then, yon can brush my vest
and pantaloons, and by that time i’ll bo
ready to have you tie my cravat.”
A few moments more found Mr. Spoo
pendyko arrayed completely.
“Come, you ready?” he demanded,
having assured himself that his wife had
not accomplished a single step toward
her toilet.
“Not quite, dear,” responded the lady,
with one-half her hair in her mouth and
the other half crackling under the brush.
“What’s tho matter with you?” lie
asked. “Didn’t yon say you could get
ready in an hour? Didn’t you hear me
tell you when I came in that we only
had oa hour to dress in ? What have
you been doing? Why can’t you go as
you are? You look well enough.”
"I was busy fixing your things,”
faltered Mrs. Spoopendyke, “and I
couldn’t do two things at once.”
“O no! You can’t do anything at
once. Why didn't you have my things
fixed this morning? Why don't you
keep house somehow? Tiiat dress
you’ve got on is good enough. Why
can’t you go in that dress? If you’ve
got to put on all the frills you won’t be
ready till next fall. Ain’t you most
ready now? Think I’m going to stand
around here like a jugof mineral water?”
Mrs. Spoopendyko twisted up her hair
aiid jammed in the pins. Then she put
on her hat and twitched it first to one
side and then the other; put one hand
up behind and shoved it forward, and
then caught hold of it in front and pulled
it down.
“Well, if you're ready, lot’s start,”
growled Mr. Spoopendyke. “You’ve
been long enough for a telegraph wire,
now. Come on. ”
“Oh! I haven’t got my dress on yet,”
pleaded Mrs. Spoopendyke. “I’ll be
through in a minute.”
“Dod gast the dress!” ejaculated Mr.
Spoopendyke. “Where’s my paper?
Give me my paper and I’ll read for a
month or two. You won’t be ready till
spring. Where’s that paper?”
“Take a book, dear,” recommended
Mrs. Spoopendyke, blushing deeply and
glancing around nervously.
“I don’t want any measly book.” re
torted Mr. Spoopendyke. “I want the
morning paper. Find that paper the
first thing you do, and then you get
ready in four seconds.”
“I think you’ll find the paper behind
—behind the book-ease,” said Mrs.
Spoopendyke, ns red as a brick, and she
hustled into her skirt, and began clawing
at it behind in an effort to loop it up
straight. “I’m almost ready,” she gig
gled hysterically, as she drew on the
waist and buttoned it up nervously.
“I’ll be ready before you could turn the
paper inside out,” and she snatched a
ribbon from the drawer, tied it in a bow.
pinned it at her throat, and backed away
from the glass to see how it looked.
“I want to know whether you’re going
to find that dod gasted paper for me!”
thundered Mr. Spoopendyke.
“I’m all right except my cloak,”
jerked out Mrs. Spoopendyke. “If
you’ll hand me my cloak, we’ll start
light away. It’s in the closet there.”
And Mrs. Spoopendyke flopped down on
the floor and began putting on her shoes.
“S’pose I’m going to hunt around for
that measly cloak?” howled Mr. Spoopen
dyke. “Can’t you get your things for
yourself? I want my paper, and I want
it now.”
“I can tell you what was in it,” said
Mrs. Spoopendyke. “I can tell you all
about it while I dress,” and she looked
up at him piteously with her face all
flushed.
“No doubt,” retorted Mr. Spoopen
dyke. “You know all about it. All you
want is a can of oil and ten men swear
ing at you all day to be a printing press.
When are you going—”
“Now, I’m all ready, dear,” smiled
Mrs. Spoopendyke, who wasn’t anything
of the sort. “You won’t need to read
now, for we’re going.”
They started off together, arm in arm,
Mr. Spoopendyke growling and his wife
hitching at her various garments as they
went along.
“Another time we're going out to din
ner, you l>e ready the (lay before, you
hear?” demanded Mr. Spoopendyke.
“Yes, dear,” responded his wife, and
then she thought to herself, “I’m very
glad he didn’t insist on looking for that
paper. ” —Brooklyn Eagle.
Short Stories.
Mr. Hale is right. The peoplo do like
to read, and therefore do read —if that
doesn’t follow without the saying—short
stories, as he boldly avers in the preface
to his last volume of tales. But they
like them to be good. What is a good
short story? There are plainly several
answers to this question, depending upon
tlio classes of readers by whom they are
given. But let us consider the stories
good enough in their thought, purpose,
style and literary workmanship to com
mand a place in the best monthly maga
zines, and in weekly journals that strive
to maintain a high standard. In the
first place, a story of this grade must
have the readable quality in a degree
that will carry seventy-five per cent, or
more of the patrons of the magazine or
journal through it, in a manner to inter
est and to please them. An editor fit
for his place commonly looks out for this,
by an instinct which authors may quar
rel with, but which is better for the pub
lisher’s purse and the reader’s satisfac
tion than tlie opinion of “ten men who
can render a reason.”— Golden Pule.
~-Snn'i •mu jnqi nae* log
'jiopq (usq amu lq siusii uEjq „
‘Sues uorpifi
-o.tfiuoo quM9Aa.ni ,iaq ‘utnAq a jo eoajd
nj '.oq.n3o.Kf qoa.iqs st pun Xpro uoi
-Sqa.i jo qoofqns #qq uo annum si ‘.wopui
XIOJ.I V JO Suo-I ’gq^’
I Fresh Air in the Red-Room.
How much air can be safely admitted
into a sleeping or living-room is a com
mon question. Rather, it should bo
considered how rapidly air can be ad
mttted without injury or risk, and at
how low a temperature. Wo cannot
have too much fresh air, so long ns wo
are warm enough and not exposed to
draughts. What is a draught? It is a
swift current of air at a temperature lower
than tho body, which robs either tho
whole body, or an exposed part, of its
heat so rapidly as to disturb the equi
librium of our circulation and give us
cold. Young and healthy persons can
habituate themselves to sleeping in oven
a strong draught, ns from an open win
dow, if they cover themselves in cold
weather with an abundance of bed
clothes. But those who have been Vig
accustomed to being sheltered from tho
outer air by sleeping in warmed and
nearly or quite shut-up rooms, arc too
susceptible to cold to bear a direct
draught of cold air. Persons over 7(
years of ape, moreover, with lower vi
tality than in their yonlh, will not boat
a low temperature, even in the air they
breathe. Like hot-house plants, they
may be killed by a winter night’s chili,
and must be protected by warmth at all
times. Asa rule, wo may say that, ex
cept for the most robust, the air which
enters at night into a sleeping chamber
should, in cold weather, be admitted
gradually only by cracks or moderate
openings; or should have its force broken
by some interposing obstacle, as a cur
tain, etc,, to avert its blowing imme
diately upon n sleeper in his bed. The
ancient fashion, however, of having bed
curtains, which exclude almost all the
air, has rightly become almost obsolete.
No wonder that people dream horrid
dreams, and wake in the morning
wearied rather than refreshed, when
they sleep in rooms sealed up tightly on
every side, breathing over and over
again their own breaths, which grow
more poisonous in every hour of tho
night. —American Health Primer.
Was Joan of Arc Burned at the Stake.
Tho Mayor of Compiegue is quite a
genius in his way. He knew that the
prevailing notion was to secularize every
thing, and consequently he invented a
republican manifestation in honor of
Joan of Arc, the Maid of Orleans, who
defended Compiegne against the English
and Burgundians in 1430, and was be
trayed into the hands of Jolin of Luxem
bourg, who surrended her to the English
men who burned her at the stake in the
market-place at Rouen. The ruins of the
Maiden’s Tower show where the Picardy
archer pulled the unfortunate Joan from
her war-horse, and when those who are
fond of going back to the history of other
days think of the legend and then of that
horrible statue of the Maid of Orleans at
the end of the Rue des Pyramides in
Paris, they must deplore the fact that
the man of Picardy left no descendant
who would come forward and unhorse
the figure that surmounts the pedestal.
M. Charles Monselet has thrown some
doubt on the legend of Joan of Arc hav
ing been burned by the English. He
quotes a paragraph from the Mercure of
1683 announcing tlmt certain documents
recently discovered led to the conclusion
that Joan of Arc had been married, and
that, consequently, some unfortunate
victim must have been sacrificed in her
place at llonon. The documents con
sisted of an attestation made by Father
Vigner, who said: “Five years after the
judgment of Joan of Arc, on the 20th day
of May, Joan, the Maid, visited Metz.
On the same day her brothers called to
see her. They thought she had been
burned, but when they saw her they re
cognized her at once. They took her
with them to Boquelon. Whereon a yoe
man named Nicolle gave her a horse, and
two other persons contributed a sword
and a plumed hat, and the said Maid
sprung very cleverly on the said horse,
saying a multitude of things to the yoe
man Nicolle."
The old priest wrote this history with
his own hand, and made oath as to its
sincerity before a public notary, adding
as a proof of what he had advanced a
copy of the original contract of marriage
between “Robert desArmoises and Joan
of Arc, otherwise known as the Maid of
Orleans.” Compiegne has treasured up
a faithful souvenir of the heroine, and
about fifteen years ago a subscription
was opened to enable trio town to erect a
statue to her memory. The idea was
started by a rather unpopular person,
and was soon allowed to drop. The
present Mayor again took up the matter,
and with the aid of the muncipility has
at length succeeded in giving the town
a statue of the Maid, whose words, J'irai
voir me bans amis lie Compiegne" have
been cut in the pedestal. —London
Globe.
Queen Vic’s Wealth.
A preposterous paragraph has been
going on its rounds to the effect that
Queen Victoria had insured her life for a
large amount, in a Parisian office. In
asmuch as the Queen is sixty years old
she will have to pay a pretty heavy
premium. No details are given as to
her Majesty’s having undergone medical
scrutiny, and we aro left to assume that
the company waived such a sordid con
sideration in the case of a regal client.
So far as the Queen is concerned any life
insurance would be an absurdity, in "view
of her having been easily able, for many
years, to save $1,000,000 a year. She is
probably the wealthiest woman in the
world. Putting aside all other source of
income, her Duchy of Lancaster, and
legacy from Mr. Neeld, bring her in
$300,000 a year, and her income alto
gether is probably nothing short of $3,-
000,000 a year. —Mew York Times.
He Got Hold of Them.
He had never eaten a Malaga grape,
and he squeezed the outside of one be
tween his thumb and finger, expecting
the pulp to fly into his open mouth like
any decent sort of grape. The tough
skin held, and looking at it dubiously lie
tossed it aw’ay and tried another "one.
This one crushed in his fingers, tlie
juice flying all over his thirty-seven-cent
necktie. With a look of unutterable
disgust he appealed to a street gamin:
“Here, bub, I thought green grapes
wuz gone by, but I’m durned if they
ain’t selling ’em yet. I’ll give you ten
cents if you’ll eat these durn things.”
And the boy sat on a dry goods box,
swung his feet, wagged his jaws, licked
his chops and earned the money, the
rustic occasionally exclaiming between
liis fits of uncontrollable laughter: “Eats
’em skins an’ all, durned if he don’t 1
Skins an’ all, like a cow chewin’ a pum
kin.”—New Haven Register.
There is a sharp trader developing
among the Boston boys. A growing bo;, j
the other day sold a companion two pairs |
of brown pigeons as “dun tumblers.”
The purchaser watched the birds for a 1
week, and was disappointed in tho
tumbling part of the programme. So he
went to the boy who sold him the birds
and complained of having been cheated.
“Why,” said the seller, “they are just
what I warranted; they are done tumbl
ing, and they won’t do it any more,”
Familiar Quotation*.
The expression “ a dim religious
light” may bo found in Milton’s “ Pen
soroso,” and the commonly-repeated saw
that “ absence makes the heart grow
fonder ”is to be discovered in T. H.
Bayley's song, “Isle of Beauty.”
Colley Cibber, ns almost every one is
aware, took it into his head that lie
could greatly improve upon Shakspearo's
tragedy “King Richard III.;” and, in
pursuance of this idea, he mode various
additions to the play, many of which
huve, curiously enough, entered, as it
were, into the langunge. Among those
we may notice, “Ho much for Bucking
ham ;’’ “ Richard’s himself again," and
“My soul’s in arms and eager for tho
fray ;” but, in spite of them, Mr. Cib
ber’s tinkering, though gratefully
adopted by more than one great actor,
has now fallen into well-merited disre
pute. In criticising Lord Beaconsfield’s
speeches, hostile papers are fond of
making effective reference to “apt allit
eration's artful aid,” but they seldom, if
indeed ever, allow Churchill, the satirist,
any credit, for the phrase. Mr. O’Con
nor, too, If wo remember rightly, hns
written of the gay Conservative states
man as “the gay Lothario of politics.”
How many persons, we wonder, recol
lect that the original “gay Lothario” is
one of tho characters in Rowe’s tragedy,
“Tho Penitent?” Then, again, ifi r>
phrase “ comparisons are odious ” Is
almost invariably written without quo
tation marks. It occurs in Burton's
“ Anatomy of Melancholy,” and also
in Herbert’s “Jacnla Prudentum,”
and Shakspeare, in “Much Ado
About Nothing,” says “comparisons
are odorous.” A literary journal of
some standing recently made itself a
laughing stock by remarking that this
last was not classical English—a quite
sufficient proof that even he whom Ben
Jonson called “sweet swan of Avon” is
not as well known as he ought to bo.
The origin of tho term “the midnight
oil” is hard to trace, but it occurs in
Quarleß, in Slienstone and in Gay, and
it was probably invented by the first.
“ Devil take tho hindermost ” opens up
another difficult problem ; but perhaps
Beaumont and Fletcher may claim the
phrase, which was used in later days by
Butler, Prior, Pope, Burns and half a
dozen more. “ Diamond cut diamond ”
is traceable to Ford’s ‘ 1 Lover’s Melan
choly,” where it may he found in the
form “diamonds cut diamonds,” and
tho expression, “ neither fish nor flesh
nor good red herring” seems to belong
to Sir H. Sheers. “Turnover anew
leaf” says Middleton, in “Anything for
a Quiet Life,” and it was Mrs. Mala
prop, in Sheridan’s “The Rivals,” who
first owned “the soft impeachment.”
Oliver Goldsmith, in “The Good-na
tured Man,” wrote “ measures, not men,
have always been my mark;” and
Burke, doubtless alluding to the popu
larity of the phrase in his day, spoke of
“ the cant of ‘ not men, but measures.’ ”
To Milton we owe the saying that
Peace hath her victories
No less renowned than war;
and it was Goldsmith again who, in
“ She Stoops to Conquer, introduced
us to “the very pink of perfection.”—
London Queen.
Animal Life Here and Hereafter.
A lively writer propounds and answers
a question thus: “Who says animals do
not have a future existence? Look at
the chicken, for instance, who dies and is
cooked, but his feathers on a lady's hat
become a bird of paradise. ” Aside from
the humor of the foregoing, there comes
a question: Why should man arrogate
to himself the sole right to live hereafter,
w'hile all the animal kingdom is to be ut
terly blotted out of existence? Animals
have mind of a certain order, and many
human ways, such as exhibiting their
love, hate, belligerency, fear, disgust,
and tendencies to fun. That delicate and
exquisitely organized little songster who
sprung from the warm clime of the Cana
ries, evinces intelligence of no mean or
der, and it is one of the certainties that
its fair owner, with her sympathetic na
ture, does not believe in the annihilation
of her pet. Human beings kill and de
vour animals and generally think no
more of them. Yet these animals have
the same fear of death and the same love
of life as man, and upon that very fear
and love in man is based his hope of
another life. It is now generally agreed
that what has been called instinct in ani
mals is mind, for many of them seem to
reason from cause to effect in providing
for themselves and their young, and pro
tecting the lives of each from assault.
Naturalists are beginning to have some
new ideas of criminal existence, and some
of them think that when the Creator en
dows anything with activo animal life He
does not mean that it shall be utterly de
stroyed.—Exchange.
Gough’s Reminiscences.
In one of his lectures Gough refers
V> his love of the drama, which is not
surprising, considering his own remark
able histrionic gifts. He gave some re
miniscences, however, in this connection,
which indicate that liis memory may bo
failing. For instance, lie mentions his
personal acquaintance with the famous
performers Mathews and Kean. It may
be remembered, however, that he left
England at the nge of twelve years, hav
ing spent the previous years in a secluded
village. When he came to America ho
became a bookbinder, and the reader
may judge of his opportunities of becom
ing acquainted with men of such dramatic
fame. Mathews died in England in 1835,
when Gough (then eighteen) was learn
ing to bind books in New York. Kean
died two years earlier. In mentioning
this name it is always understood that
the senior Kean is referred to, since
Charles Kean was too inferior to deserve
any special notice. So also with Kemble,
whom Gough claims as a personal
acquaintance. The only man of tlie
name that won any distinction was John
Philip Kemble, who retired from tho
stage two months before Gough was
born. His brother Charles, who lived
twenty years later, was so inferior that
he is never mentioned in connection with
histrionic success, though he was con
sidered by some a clever performer.
The great Kemble was sixty at the time
of his retirement, and being in ill health
he removed to Lausanne, where he died
six years afterward. Gough’s vagaries
of memory are not surprising. He has
drawn so liberally upon his imagination
during a long career of public speaking
that such mistakes are a very natural
rinsquence.
| (Don't Spell it Out.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton is trying to
persuade her friends to write their own
fail names, as if the public cared for any
thing but some distinguishing initial.
As remarks the Boston I’ranscript, ‘ ‘it
does not improve a piece of bad poetry
to have it signed Mary Ann James Pat
terson Perkins, nor does any one care to
be reminded that Mrs. Charles Smith’s
maiden name was Polly Snow, by her
writing Polly Snow Smith, whenever she
has au opportunity," *
“Janies, Is That You 2”
Women are timid creatures, and hate
bo left in a house alone nt night, so,
when Mr. Gallagher went away from
home, leaving his wife with only an ig
norant servant, she was very much wor
ried, and readily harkened to tho voice
of an agent who called just after Gal
lagher had gone around the corner, and
wanted to sell her a machine which
would prevent burglars from getting
into tho house. She bought three.
Those placed at tho front and back
doors were so arranged that, when the
door was opened, a hammer would strike
down from above and knock down the
person trying to enter. A third contriv
ance of different pattern was placed on
tho stairs and another at tho front win
dow. Gallagher unexpectedly returned
late that night, and, attempting to en
ter the front door, got a blow on the
nose that knocked Yiim down the steps
into the street. Ho was both surprised
and annoyed nt the circumstance, and,
utterly unable to understand it, tried
be door again. Same result. He then
thonglit somebody was behind tho door
trying to assassinate him, and, getting
up very mad, ran around to tho back
door to get in that way. Then lie got a
thump that sent him back into the swill
barrel, and he was terribly cross when
he got up. He grabbed an ax, and, as
he opened tho door again, strnck with
it. But ho Hit nobody, and got
another knock-down. Then he went
and got a policeman, so that
one could tackle each door, and one be
sure to get in; but after both had en
joyed three knock-downs they met und
compared notes, and decided that two
men must be in the house. They then
tried the front window, and, raising it, a
deluge of icy water from a hose arranged
to bring it flew upon them. But they
braved that and got in. Then they ran
sacked the lower part of the house, but
could find nobody, and meantime Mrs.
G., up-stairs, heard them, and nearly
died of fright. They started up-stairs,
Gallagher first, and near tlie top a stair,
fixed on a pivot, rolled under Gallagher
and hurled him backward, aud he went
to the bottom, taking the policeman
with him. They both yelled, but Gal
lagher yelled the loudest, and his wife
recognized his voice and his favorite oath.
Her courage returned. She went to the
1 lead of the stairs and cried: “James is
that you?” James was painfully hurt
and awful mad then, and the policeman
was trying to get back the breath Gal
lagher had squashed out of him. “No,”
cried James, “it’s not me; it’s some
other fellow. Jim Gallagher was never
knocked down seventeen times in one
night! ” But she knew it was he, and
explained matters. And then Gallagher
gave the policeman $lO to say nothing
about the matter, and the officer retired:
and then Gallagher jawed his wife for
two hours, and the next day went seven
miles to overtake the man who sold her
the machines and kicked the life nearly
out of him. He admits that the things
would be dreadfully discouraging to a
buralar. though. —Boston Post.
An Old Book.
An interesting glimpse into our early
history is afforded by an old worm-eaten
gazateer which was found lately in a
private library.
It was issued in the first of this cen
tury, by J. Bain, of Baltimore. Geo
graphical information is oddly min
gled with scientific facts, and J.
Bain’s vehement opinions concerning the
British, and the (then) “late war” with
them, obtrude in every page. Those
“ruthless invaders,” he assures us, “ex
hibited a barbaric cruelty unequaled
since the days of the Saracens and Van
dals. ”
Philadelphia was then “the metropolis
of the country.” Washington could
“boast of four churches, a gaol and
a hotel.” Boston had twenty-three
churches It had, also, “a fine row of
warehouses on the north side of the pier,
and a handsome street running from the
pier to the town-house.”
The Eldorado for emigrants was “The
Oliio,” which was then the far West.
Long lines of high, canvas-covered
wagons took their way over the Alle
ghany Mountains, drawn by eight horses,
each usually decorated with an array of
bells; the wife, children, chairs, plow,
and a feather-bed were piled up in the
wagon; underneath it ran the watch-dog;
the father and oldest boy walked along
side, with their rifles slung on their
backs.
The journey occupied two months or
more, which the emigrant of the present
makes in twenty-four hours. When the
squatter was once settled, however, in
his cabin, his bill of fare was as luxuri
ous as that of a city gourmand nowadays.
Bear’s meat, venison, pheasant, and wild
turkeys were the pieces-de-resistance of
his daily dinner, while wild honey,
golden trout, and partridges filled the
smaller dishes.
It is a useful study to compare the
lives and privations of our ancestors who
conquered the grim forests of the New
World with our own ; the more useful be
cause we find that with all their struggles
they had, as a rule, more tranquil, slow
er, longer lives than our own. This was
because they were not fevered by the
modern thirst for riches and social dis
tinction which now maddens even the
poorest emigrant. Crops and clothes
enough for the year to come, and a
woods-preachingor a house-raising now
and then satisfied their desires.
It was a poor, meager life, according
to our more civilized notions; but it had
in it a content which we have universally
lost out of our own household furniture.
Youths’ Companion.
The Nature of an Oath.
Early in the rebellion, when the
Federal forces were stationed at Beau
fort, 8. C., there was an old dnrkey by
the name of Lige Jackson, who, deserted
by his master, was left to take care of
himself as best he might. Lige was
considered a chattel of weak intellect,
and moreover he was exceedingly awk
ward in his attempts to play the role of a
house servant. He smashed and destroyed
pretty nearly everything he laid his
hands upon, and having waited upon
nearly every officer at the post, each in
turn, after giving him the benefit of a
good cursing for his stupidity, turned
him adrift.
It happened that Lige was a witness
in a case that came before a oourt martial,
and being called up to give liis testimony,
was objected to on the part of the de
fendant, who stated that he didn’t be
lieve the negro was of sound mind.
“Stand up, Lige,” said the court.
“Do you understand tlie nature of an
oath ?”
Lige scratched his wool for a moment,
and then turning up the whites of his
eyes, replied:
“Look a yeare, marse; disnigger has
waited on ’bout haf de ossifers since dev
fus cum to dis place, and if he don't
understand de nature of an oaf by dis
time, den dares no wurtue is cussing. ”
The court considered Lige a competent
witness. _____
A Kentucky murderer dug his way
ont of jail with the ribs of some meat
he had been given for supper,
The Associated Press.
The association is merely n business
copartnership. It is not incorporated.
It depends upon no special legislation,
but merely upon its own capital and
exertion. Seven Now York daily news
pajiers f(>rm its membership. The policy
of a journal may change while it still re
mains within tfie association. The cost
of obtaining the news is divided between
all the members. News is furnished to
other papers ns cumstomors. Local as
sociations were established in Boston,
Hartford aud New Haven, and those
form the. Now England association, which
contracts for New York news. The
Western Press association holds a similar
position. The New York office is the
clearing-house of the country. A flexible
method of adjusting prices is followed,
the strong helping the weak. It has
nothing to do with special dinpatches.
Eighteen or twenty-eight thousand words
are telegraphed daily. There is a system
of combination reports in use. By a
single wire New York is put into instan
taneous connection with Now Haven,
Hartford and Worcester, and the reports
are manifolded nt all points in the circuit,
“pony” reports being sent to the smaller
towns. Receivers must read by sound.
All towns in circuit get their own
“locals” sent back to them, which is a
drawback, but the plan lessens the cost.
All New York State “locals” are sent
here to be distributed. Drop-copies of
San Francisco dispatches are taken at
Chicago and Cheyenne.
The seven newspapers which control
the association hold monthly meetings.
The details are in the hands of tho
superintendent and executive committee.
Associated Press news generally escapes
betrayal. Sometimes a leak is sprung,
but it is quickly traced by decoy tele
grams. Errors often occur in transmis
sion. Strange words are coined for the
sake of brevity, such as “suicidal” and
“conflagrated.” These philological hor
rors are resolved into their original ele
ments. A dispatch from the West was
read, “Troops all scalped.” It should
have been, “Troops all escaped.” A
railroad conductor’s message read, “We
killed a dead mule.” Of course, a deaf
mute was meant. The agents of the
Associated Press must be geographers,
must know public character, and have
an acquaintance with parliamentary
practice. They must be intellectual
machines—entitled only to industry and
conscience—they must not make com
ments. Some papers pay only sls a
week for the privileges of the association,
but the weekly deficit is divided among
the seven New York dailies, and the
share of each averages S3OO a week.
Among the objections to the association,
it is alleged that it is a monopoly, and
that it lives by favor of the Western
Union Telegraph Cempany. But there
is no combination between the telegraph
company aud the association, which is
simply a wholesale customer. The power
of the Associated Press would be increased
by tlie Postal Telegraph system. A mil
lion men may photograph the sun, if
they will get up early in the morning.
Until the law makes a felony of copart
nership it cannot interfere. It has a vast
educational influence, and is one of the
mightiest force in American civilization.
The papers go to press at 2 a. m.
“Good night” is echoed along the line
and the magnetic pulse is silent till the
morrow. —Lecture by James IE Simon
tan.
Divine Judgment for Sabbath Breaking.
Toward the end of the Sixteenth cent
ury, in England, “God’s judgments”
were much in vogue. A Suffolk clergy
man, named Bownd, adduces many such
judgments. One was the case of a no
bleman “who, for hunting on the holy
day, was punished by having a child
with a head like a dog’s.” Though he
cites this instance, Bownd, in the mat
ter of Sabbath observance, was very
lenient toward nobleman. With court
ier-like pliancy, which is not without its
counterpart at the present time, he
makes an exception in their favor :
“Concerning the feasts of noblemen
and great personages or their ordinary
diet upon this day, because thqy rep
resent in some measure the majesty of
God on the earth, in carrying the image,
as it were, of the magnificence and puis
sance of the Lord, much is to be grant
ed them.”
The civil war was regarded as a pun
ishment for Sunday desecration. The
fire of London and a subsequent great
fire in Edinburgh were ascribed to this
cause, while the fishermen of Berwick
lost their trade through catching salmon
on Sunday. A drunken peddler, “fraught
with commodities” on Sunday, drops
into a river. One Utrich Schroetorus, a
Swiss, while playing at dice on the
Lord’s day, lost heavily, and apparently
to gain the devil to his side broke out in
to this horrid blasphemy: “If fortune
deceive me now I will thrust my dagger
into the body of God. ” Whereupon he
threw the dagger upward. It disap
peared, and five drops of blood, which
afterward proved indelible, fell upon
the gaming-table. The devil then ap
peared, and, with a hideous noise, car
ried off the vile blasphemer. His two
companions fared no better. One was
struck dead and turned into worms, the
other was executed. —Popular Science
Monthly.
Electrified Men.
The stories told by African travelers
of the marvelous sights they have wit
nessed do not dull the popular curiosity.
For each tourist in that land of wonders
is expected to go where no one else has
been, and tell something that no one else
has seen. Tlie latest traveler fulfills
these expectations, as the following
shows:
Most people are familiar with the
“spark” which may be produced under
certain conditions by stroking the fur of
a cat.
Travelers in Canada and other cold,
dry countries have witnessed the still
more remarkable phenomenon of the hu
man body being turned into a conductor
of electricity, and the possibility of
lighting the gas by merely placing one’s
finger—giving the necessary conditions
of electrical excitement—near the gas
jet, without any other agency.
Mr. A. W. Mitehison, the African
traveler, who is engaged in writing a
narrative of his exploring expeditions in
Western Central Africa, gives some still
more startling facts.
He states that one evening when strik
ing an African native, in a moment of
anger, with a cowhide whip, he was as
tonished to see sparks produced, and still
more surprised to find the natives them
selves were quite accustomed to the phe
nomenon.
He subsequently found that a very
light touch, repeated several times un
der certain conditions of bodily excite
ment, and in certain states of the atmos
phere, would produce a succession of
sparks from the bodies of native men as
well as native cattle.
A few years ago a Japanese publisher
brought out a life of Washington in
forty-five volumes, with illustrations in
which the Father of his Country is rep
resented in modern dress, wearing a
heavy mustache, carrying a cane, and
accompanied by a Skye terrier.
FACTS FOR THE CURIOUS.
It is officially stated that 198,165,794
acres have been granted by the United
States for rail aud wagon roods. It
would make 1,238,536 farms of 160 acres
each, and its area is greater than that of
the five States of Indiana, Illinois. lowa,
Kansas and Minnesota. Its value at
$2 per acre would be $396,331,688.
The reason alleged in China why Chi
nese become Christians on reading tho
Bible is, that the ink used has a power
to stupefy the reader and take away his
reason, and so make him ready to be
lieve false doctrine. The people aro
warned against buying or reading for
eign books. Tho missionaries ore sus
pected of desiring to kidnap Chinese
children to sell them.
It was formerly held that sponges
were vegetables, but they are now gen
erally admitted to be animals. They
are fixed by a kind of root at the base,
or incrust other bodies, growing mostly
in groups, sometimes in fresn water,
generally in salt water ; some in shal
low, some in very deep water. They
are said to grow by division. Scarce and
small in cold latitudes, they increase in
size and number toward the tropics,
being most abundant in tho Australian
boos. The sponges of commerce are
procured chiefly in the Mediterranean
and the Bahama islands.
A curious case occurred at the Chil
dren’s Hospital in Paris. A girl of 12
was at school, and during a thunder
storm the electric fluid fell close to her.
For a moment she seemed to be suffo
cating, but this sensation soon passed
off info a fit of the hiccoughs. These
became so distressing that after three
days the mother took her to the hospital
for advice. The surgeon ordered her to
l>e taken to the operating theater, where,
on seeing the medical man standing at a
table covered with some awful-looking
instruments, and surrounded by a num
ber of assistants in white aprons, the
child became so terrified that she forgot
her hiccoughs, which did not recom
mence, and she was thus cured.
The inhospitable Arctic regions have
been generally regarded as the very op
posite of life-sustaining or fertile in food.
Yet a recent traveler in Siberia asserts
that birds go there to breed, not in thou
sands but in millions, and that for the
reason they find there a prodigal abun
dance of foods. Berries of many kinds
in inexhaustible quantities, frozen dur
ing the winter, are ready the moment
the snow has melted for the fruit-eating
birds ; and, for tlie insect-worm varie
ties, mosquitoes in such swarms that the
birds have but to open their bills to have
them fly down their throats. That is the
oddest feature of all. One would scarcely
think of going to the North pole to look
for mosquitoes.
During the draining of some huge
carp ponds in Silesia it was observed
that frogs were clinging to the backs of
many of the larger fish, and that most of
these fish were blind, the frogs’ forefeet
being found firmly fixed in the eye sock
ets of their victims. The carp frequent
ly had a spongy crust on its head, upon
which the frog feeds, and when once
solidly seated they soon succeed in goug
ing tlieir finny steeds, blinding them,
and, being unable to look out for their
food, soon perish of hunger. How tight
ly these voracious batracliians held on
to their living pastures was exemplified
by the pond master, who picked up a
carp weighing two pounds and a half,
and held it suspended in the air by one
of tlie hind legs of a frog perched upon
its back in the manner above described.
Carps thus frog-ridden to death begin
to turn yellow on the third day after the
parasitical croaker has taken his seat,
rapidly waste away, and die within a
fortnight from the commencement of
their martyrdom.
What a Boy Knows Abont Girls.
Girls are the most unaccountablest
things in the world—except woman.
Like the wicked flea, when you have
them they ain’t there. I can cipher
clean over the improper transactions,
and the teacher says Ido first rate; but
I can't cipher out a girl, proper or im
proper, and yon can’t either. The only
rule in the arithmetic that hits their
cases is the double rule of three. They
are as full of Old Nick as their skins can
hold, and they would die if they could
not torment somebody. When they try
to be mean, they are as mean as pusly
though they ain’t as mean as they let on,
except sometimes, and then they are a
good-deal meaner. The only way to get
along with a girl when she comes to you
with her nonsense is to give her tat for
tat, and that will flummux her and when
you get a girl flummuxed she is as nice
as a pin. A girl can sow more wild oats
than a boy can sow in a year, but gills
get their wild oats sowed after a while,
which boys never do, and then they set
tle down as calm and as placid as a mud
pmldle. But I like the girls first rate,
and I guess all the boys do. I don’t
care how many tricks they play on me—
and they don’t care either. The hoity
toitvest girl in the world can always boil
over like a glass of soda. By and by
they get into the traces with somebody
they like, and pull as steady as an old
stage horse. That is the beauty of them.
So, let them wave, I say; they will pay
for them some day, sewing on buttons
and trying to make a man out of the fel
low they have spliced to and ten chances
to one if they don't get the worst of it.
Fetroleuiii for Harbor Defense.
A correspondent in York, Pa., Mr. D.
< K. Naell, suggests the use of burning pe
troleum for repelling hostile fleets from
harbors like those of Baltimore, Philadel
phia, and New York. A hundred thousand
barrels of oil poured upon an .out-flowing
tide would cover a large area of water,
and when set on fire would sweep a fleet
with a torrent of destruction that noth
ing could resist. When a stream of burn
ing oil ran down the Allegheny river, a
year or two ago, the flames sometimes
leaped up 100 feet, and threw out lateral
tongues of fire terrible to see. Such
flames Jaround an iron-clad fleet would
asphyxiate all on board.
Another plan would be to link to
gether long lines or rafts of oil barrels,
and send them against the fleet by small,
swift steam launches that could be steered
by electricity from the shore. Tho bar
rels could be exploded and the oil fired
by the same agency at the proper mo
ment ; and, if necessary, line after line
of the fire rafts could be drifted or driven
against the enemy until every vessel was
destroyed. Such an application of float
ing fire might also be used to protect a
system of torpedoes in a ship channel,
by making it impossible to operate any
counter system for exploding or remov
ing the torpedoes by men hi small boats.
Obviously this plan would not do to
rely upon generally ; though in certain
emergencies it might be resorted to with
terrible effect.— Scientific American.
Corn Mush.— When the water in
tended for mush begins to boil, salt, sift
in the meal with one hand, stirring with
the other to prevent lumps. When
thick, set the kettle into the oven and
let it bake an hour. This cooks the
moal thoroughly without danger of burn
ing,