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AX or HUM GOOD BOY.
A Detroit grocer waa hungrily waiting
tor his clerk to return from dinner and
give him a chance at hia own noonday
mral, when a boy cam® into hia irloro
with a banket in hia hand and said:
“I seed a boy grab np this ’ere bosket
from the door and ran, and I run after
bim, nnd made him give it up,”
i My lad, yon are an honest boy."
■"Yes, sir.”
“And you look like a good boy.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And good boys should always be en
couraged. In a box in the back room
there are eight dozen eggs. Yon may
take them home to your mother, and
keep the basket.”
The grocer had been saving those
>ggs for days and weeks to reward some
■one. In rewarding a good boy he also
got eight dozen bad eggs carried out of
( th neighborhood free of cost, and he
thucklod a little chuok as he walked
homeward.
The afternoon waned, night came and
went, anil onoo moro the grocer went to
his dinner. When ho returned he was
pioking his teeth and wearing a compla
int smilo. His eye caught a basket of
wight dozen eggs as he entered the stole,
and ho queried :
" Been buying some eggs ?”
“ Yes ; got hold of those from u farm
er's boy," replied the olerk.
“A lame boy with a blue cap on?”
“1W
“Two front teeth out ?”
“Yes.”
Tho grooer sat down and examined the
eggs. The shelltf had been washed clean,
but they were the same eggs that good
boy had luggod home the day before.—
Tree /ycss.
ABC TIC WINTERS.
In a paper read before the National
Academy of Scienoes, Lieut. Sohwatka
treated of “the duration of the Arctic
winter.” He said that at latitude 83 deg.,
00 min., 26 sec. (the highest point over
reached by man, which was attained by
Commander Marklmm, of Capt. Nares’
•expedition), tliero are four hours and
forty-two minutes of twilight on Doe.
22, the shortest day in the year in tho
northern hemisphere. In latitude 82
deg. 27 min., the highest point where
white men have wintered (tho crew of
the Albert, of Capt. Nares’ expedition),
there are six hours and two minutes in
fho shortest day. In latitude 84 deg.
32 min. (seventy-two geographical miles
nearer the pole than Markham reached,
and 828 miles from that point), tho true
Plutonic zone can be entered by man.
The pole itself is only shrouded in per
fect blackness from Nov. 13 till Jan. 27.
r rbe r>ole has about 188 days of continu
ous daylight*, 100 of varying twilight,
and sevep(,y-seven of utter darkness.”
"CHALK YOUR HAT.”
The cant phrase, “ Chalk your hat,”
which is still ourrent in many parts of
the Union, is said to have had its origin
in a literal illustration of the words.
“Admiral ” Beeside was an owner of
various stage coaches in the days before
railroads. He spent much of his time
in Washington, where, indeed, he lived
for several years. At the annual ad
journment of Congress he would pass
his friends of the House and Senate—he
was well acquainted with all the promi
nent politicians of his era—over any
stage line he controlled. He would say
to an Ohioan or Kentuckian : “I sup
pose you’re going back to Cincinnati or
Louisville, and I’ll pass you through by
stage.” When he was asked : “How?”
be would reply : “ Give me your hat.”
He would take the hat, make u cabalis
tic chalk mark on it impossible to coun
terfeit, and return it with the remark,
“That will serve your turn ; my agents
will recognize that anywhere, and won’t
receive a cent from the men whose hat
is so marked.” Beeside was right. All
fcis agents knew tho sign at once. The
thing became so common that some fel
lows tried to imitate it, but they were
invariably detected and compelled to
leave the stage or pay their fare. In the
fiouth and West “ Chalk your hat" still
Btands for what the East styles dead
heading.—Ntfw York paper.
TIIK CORRUTT STAGE.
Let it be granted that it is as proper
to listen ta Mr. Booth’s wonderful ren
dition of “Othello” as to read Shak
speare’s great drama at home. It
would be another thing altogether if
Mr. Booth’s consummate ability were
wedded to shameful immoralities of
life; if his shining histrionic triumphs
were put to the base service of gilding
the grossest crimes against social purity.
An actress may display pro- eminent
abilities on the stage; but suppose her
private life has been notoriously in
famous, and that she gives no sign of a
better mind. Can any man or woman
who cares anything for the purity of so
cial life consent, in good conscience and
in consistency, to be of those who wor
ship at the shrine of , such an artist ?
Does not he or she who sits in such an
audience breathe a tainted atmosphere ?
No one is a more dangerous enemy
to all that is sweet and good in human
life than the ono who lends to impurity
the function of splendid talents. If the
American theater is to drop to the moral
level of the Comedie Francois, Christam
America will oertainly have no further
use for it. Shall pure men or virtuous
women consent to be seen in the audi
ence which is gathered for the apotheosis
of Aspasia?— Good Company
A young man with an umbrella over
took an unprotected lady acquaintance
in a rain-storm, extending his umbrella
over hor, requested the pleasure of act
ing as her rain-beau. “ Oh,” exclaimed
the young lady, taking his arm, “you
wish me to be your rain-dear.” Two
souls with but a single umbrella, two
forms thatiitepped as one.
WILL W. SINGLETON, Editor & Proprietor.
VOL VI.
now THE FARMER MISSED IT,
If I had told b*r ii tho spring
Tho old, old story briefly,
When the sparrow and robin began to sing,
And tho plowing wh over chiefly >
But baeto nudeea wanta, and tho story sweet,
I reasoned, will keep through tho sowing,
Till I crop tho corn and sow the wheat.
And ghe them a chance for growing.
Had I even told the tale in June,
When tho wind through tho gross was blowing.
Instead of thinking it rather too soon,
And wsltlng till after the mowing I
Or had I hinted, out under the stars.
That I knew a story worth hearing,
Lingering to put up the pasture bar#,
Nor waited to do tho shearing I
Now the barn is full, and so is tho bln,
But I’ve grown wise without glory,
81 nee love la the crop not gathered la.
For my neighbor told her tho story.
g’-! I—L' .
KITTIW3 MUXDItfU,
BY LYDIA F. HINMAN.
Deacon Stanley was by no means a
penurious man. He was only, as he
said, an “economically savin’” man.
Ho was in good ohurch standing, devout
and sincere. He had a good wife and
dutiful daughter to mako him a pleasant
home; was considered “well-to-do,”
though a fanner, and the comforts of
the house were not forgotten in this de
sire to bo economical. Nevertheless
tliis one “savin’” bump caused Mrs.
Stanley and Kittio a groat deal of trou
ble. He would persist in wearing his
slothes until they were so patched you
could hardly tell the patch from tho or
iginal garment. Mrs. Stanley had hand
ed all the mending over to Kittie as her
work, and Kittie did so hate mending;
and, together with her pride and her
chagrin that her father would persist in
wearing such clothes, her troubles were
great,
“ Why, he wears meaner clothes than
any poor on the town,” she exaggerated,
“and he was just cheating the rag
picker,” and he would only laugh.
Mrs. Stanley, too, was a trifle ashamed
that her good husband should so persist
in making patch-work of his garments,
but the kind soul had given up the argu
ment long ago. The church parson had
been talked to about the deacon’s pecul
iarity, but, as the deacon was a Christian
in every other respect, gave to the
church and her missions, helped the
poor and did not neglect his family,
this one sin—if sin it could be called—
was considered but a minor one, and so
the deacon escaped a oensure. He
often heard remarks, though, both be
hind his back and to his face, to which
he would respond laughingly, turning
tho remarks into jokes, and none of
them ever made the slightest ripple of
anger upon his ocean of good nature.
Tho parsonage of L was being re
paired, and the young minister was
boarding at the Stanleys’ during this
prooess, and preparing for the convention
which was to be held in their society the
next week.
Suddenly he took a great interest in
the family sitting-room, and found it
pleasanter, lam ashamed to say, read
ing and talking to Kittie and her mother
afternoons than writing sermons for the
people of L to sleep under, or even
seeking out the unruly sheep of the
flock, who had leaped the sectarian
fence. And Kittie—well, perhaps she,
too, took more interest in the afternooD
talk than the Sunday sermon. Mrs.
Stanley, from her placid face, ono might
read that she wos well satisfied with
both.
One afternoon, Mr. Stanloy came in
for some clover-seed, which Mrs. S., in
her careful way, had put in a dry place,
and she directed him up to the garret.
After a few moments’ search he de
scended with Ihe clover-seed, and left it
in the kitchen, while he proceeded into
the sitting-room with, hanging over his
arm, three pairs of old dilapidated pants
he bail accidentally stumbled upon
where Kittie had hidden them; one
one pair of striped, one of cheeked and
another plain.
“ Kittie,” lie said, laying the cobwebs
and garments tenderly clown upon the
stuffed chairs, “ now, this ’ere is some
of your work, putting them away and
not half worn out. You never will be
the economical wife your mother is, my
child. These could be mended into one
pair, and, as I may want them to wear,
you had better-set about fixing ’em up
as soon as mother can spare you. ” And
out ne stalked as innocent of any im
propriety as the meekest lamb.
Kittie’s eyes flashed and dropped as
she saw her father appear with the
hated garments, and a suspicious trem
ble gathered at the corners of her mouth
and blushes leaped to her cheeks, but as
he departed out of hearing she glanced
at her mother and mirthi'uLness predom
inated over anger, and she burst into a
hearty laugh, which was joined in by
Mrs. Stanley and the minister, who was
fully acquainted with the deacon’s fail
ing.
That afternoon Kittie wore a serious,
oreoccupied air, which had changed the
next morning to anghter at most unac
countable times and secret titters which
quite astonished her mother, and as at
the first leisure moment Kittie was dis
appearing with the offending garments,
Mrs. Stanley asked :
"How are you going to fix them, Kit
tie?”
lIUENA VISTA, MARION COUNTY. GA„ SATURDAY. MARCH 12, 1881.
And Kittio answered, giving them a
spiteful shake:
"TO fix ’em, never mind.”
And tk* minister, Undine Kittie no*
in the sitting-room that afternoon, felt
it his duty to oontinuo hia sermons in
his own room.
In the evening Kittie said to her
father:
“ Those garments you wanted mend
ed, father, hang np in the closet beside
your Sunday ones.”
"That’s right, my dear; you’ll mako
a good wife yet for somebody," he an
swered encouragingly, while Kittie
smothered a hypocritical little laugh.
The convention was here, and the
parishioners’ houses were crowded with
guests, Tho deacon’s home contained
for guests, with the minister, Prof.
Primstock and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Mer
ryday, Bev. Lyoumgood, wife and sister,
but extra help left the hostess and Kittie
time to entertain them. In the after
noon of the second day there was a sort
of intermission for the tired convention.
Mr. Stanley came in from doing the
“ chores” hehad finished rather early, and
proceeded to his room for the purpose of
enrobing himself in his “meeting
clothes,” for the deacon was very care
ful of these, and would have thought it
a sacrilege to have worked in them. In
an instant the door-bell rang, and two
reverends and wives came in for a chat,
when, hearing his name called, he hur
ried into his coat and through the din
ing-room, where Kittio stood speechless
from fright, and stood among his guests.
Poor deacon ! He was not very observ
ing, or his eyes were not as good as
they once were, or the closet was dark.
And, then, it being a darling hobby of
his to frown upon ruffles and ribbons,
puffs ana trimmings, he considered it
a sacred duty to give a lecture on the
iollv of these vanities before giving hi*
daughter the wherewithal for procuring
them. He was doomed to a great tidal.
He hadn’t taken three steps into the
room before thirteen pairs of eyes were
fixed upon him with all the horror and
severity that twenty-six eyes were capa
ble of expressing,
Mrs. Htanlay feebly ejaculated,
“James !” Two of the divines forcibly
remarked, “Ahem! ahem!” and one of
the reverend’s wives added, in a stage
whisper, “Mercy on us!” Then Mr.
Stanley, following their eyes to his feet,
stood spellbound. There he was, arrayed
in a garment unrivaled even by Joseph’s
coat of many colors, I verily believe, and
bedecked in the most wonderful and fan
tastical manner ever perceived by mortal
man or woman. There were those three
beloved garments he had tenderly yield
ed to Kittie’s fashioning, and evidently
about five times as many more, made
into one. There was a huge striped
patch, bound with yellow, on one knee,
and a ohecked one, bound with green,
on the other. A strip of blue extended
np one leg, and a strip of white np the
other. An attempt had been made to
lengthen them, and around one ankle
was knife-pleating of black cashmere;
around the other a ruffle of gTay poplin,
both headed by a puff of gay oalioo.
Little gay-ribbon bows and streamers
were generously distributed over the
garment, and a lovely little pocket of
wine-colored velvet, edged with white
lace, stitched on one side, completed the
“ mending.”
The deacon stared, and the more he
gazed fhe more his wonder grew, and,
overcome by the sight, he pulled his
bandana out, mopped his face, ex
claimed, “ Gracious me,” sank helpless
ly down in the nearest ohair, and fell to
gazing at himself again. It was quite
evident he had made a mistake in the
garments, but where those came from
was entirely beyond his conception. I
don’t know but they would have sat
staring at the deaoon until this time if
the minister hadn’t laughed. Laughter
is wonderfully contagious, especially
among divines, even if people do think
otherwise, and a few seconds of that
healthy exercise brought back the dea
con’s scattered ideas, and his first ejaou
lation was, “ Where is that Kittie ?”
But Kittie wasn’t to be found, and
somehow the minister explained to
them all that it was a joke of Kittie’s,
and the deacon had just got into the
wrong garments, and they all knowing
the deacon’s peculiarity accepted in
wonderful good nature.
As Kittie did not return, Mrs. Stanley
sent the minister over to Susie Lee's,
where Kittie was most likely to be, with
the message that she was forgiven, and
to come home.
Poor Kittie was mortified enough, but
when she arrived home, and the guests
made more of a heroine of her than cir
cumstance deserved, and she found the
deacon didn’t look a bit angry, and her
mother never said one reproving word,
and caught the minister’s eye full of
laughter and of something else Kittie
couldn’t understand, her mortification
took wing, .
And that evening walking home from
church, the few words the minister
spoke made her happier than she ever
had been before; but the words were not
of the sermon, and, a little while after,
when the deacon gave them his bless
ing, he added with sadness and mirth
fulness mingled:
Devoted to the Interests of Marion County and Adjoining Sections.
“ She will maks yoe good wife, par
son, but will never b* u economical as
her mother, as I said one* before."
Mrs. Stanley ever blessed Kittie’s
joke, for afterward th* deaoon was never
fond of many patches
L .1
HOW IRISH PEIS ANTS LITE.
The dens, misnanud cots, in wliioh
the peasantry of Galway and Mayo
counties live are merely stone shelters ;
owing to the intensr ignorance of the
people they ore notprovided with any
facilities for drainage and are often in
comparably filthy. Tho floors are of
hard mud; it is rare to find more than
one room in a hut, <ud only ono story.
Beds and bedding ifra luxuries which
the poorer tenants do not possess; old
heaps of hay and straw are the couches
on which the lovely, brown-eyed, large
browed maidens of Connaught repose.
The smoke from a peat fire in a common
peasant’s cabin sprerds through tho
room, and you narrowly escape strangu
lation on your first visit, I have had
tills experience in Herzegovina, and con
sequently minded the smoke but little.
How family decency is maintained in
these dens is a mystery, and how the
people manage to keep clean—for they
look clean—is a puzzle. The pigs run
in and out of the doors—and such
wretched pigs ! A North Carolina wild
hog would be an aristocrat beside them 1
In dozens of these cabins nick people
are to ba found—sick people dependent
either on the charity of their neighbors
or on friends fn America wlo send them
small sums. A gentleman in Galway
told me that the agents of landlords
treated the poorer tenantry as if they
were animals. He instanced the case of
one agent who, on rent diy, when any
tenant was short a half crown in his pay
ment, would knock the money off the
table on to the floor, so as lo humiliate
the tenant before his fellows. Up to a
recent date even the better class of ten
ants would not have dared to resent such
behavior; they were ready to fawn be
fore the man who insulted them. Now
the tables are turned and the agent
sneaks in and out among the people,
taking 25 per cent, less than the usual
rental, if indeed he gets anything at all,
and is glad to get away again out of the
farming district with his head still on
liis shoulders.— Edward King's letter
from Qahvay.
A .TVI3G3I ENT OF SOLOMON.
In some ancient monkish manuscripts
in France occurs the following interest
ing story, which has no place in the
Bible itself, though it is in the original
prefixed to the Proverbs of Solomon.
It appears to have been % great favorite
in the middle ages ; and was often re
lated from the pulpit. A King, in some
domestic difference with his wife, had
been told by her that one only of her
three sons was a true offspring, but
which of them was so she refused to dis
cover. This gave him much uneasiness;
and, liis death soon afterward approach
ing, he called his children together; and
declared, in the presence of witnesses,
that he left a ring, which had very sin
gular properties, to him th.it should be
found to be his lawful sou, and that to
him, too, should belong his kingdom.
On his death a dispute arose about the
ring between the youths—and it was at
length agreed to refer its decision to the
King of Jerusalem. He immediately
ordered that the dead body of his father
should lie taken up and tied to a tree ;
that each of the sons should shoot an ar
row at it, and that he who penetrated
the deepest should have the ring. The
eldest shot first, and the arrow went far
into the body ; the second shot, also, and
deepier than the other. The youngest
son stood at a distance and wept bitter
ly ; but the King said to him : “Young
man, take your arrow and shoot as your
brothers have done.” He answered:
“ Far be it from me to commit so great
a crime. I would not for the whole
world disfigure the body of my own
father.” The King said: “'Without
doubt you are his son, and the others
are changelings ; to yon, therefore, I ad
judge the ring.”
PREACHING TO LUNATICS.
A clergyman in Jacksonville, HI., was
out of a field, and, hearing that there was
no preaching in the asylum in that city,
sought the opportunity to dispense the
gospel tliero. At his first service he was
very much gratified to observe the close
attention that one of the patients gave
to his sermon, and he went away and
told some of his friends that he had
found a very hopeful field of labor in
the asylum, which had been neglected
too long.
The next Sunday he noticed the same
intent expression on the face of this
hopeful listener. Again, the next Sun
day, the man gave eager attention. In
the sermon the old story had been re
lated about Hindoo women easting their
children inf o the Ganges. The minister
sought an opportunity at the close of
ths service for a personal conversation
with his eager listener. The patient
grasped his hand warmly, and said’, ‘I
couldn’t help thinking while you were
telling that story that it was a great pity
your mother didn’t chuck you into the
river when you were a baby,”
WKAT TO EAT AND WHAT WB ABB
MADE OP.
One of the plainest rules for taking
food is that which insists that we must
find in our nourishment the substanoes
of which the body itself is composed.
If we think of it, suoh a rule is in strict
conformity with the dictates of common
sense. We are bound to obtain from
our food the matter the body laoks; and
any food, however pleasant to the pal
ate, but which does not contain elements
naturally found iu the frame, may be
unhesitatingly rejected from the lists of
our dietaries. It follows, therefore, that
to know what foods are required for
sustenance we must investigate the
chemical composition of our frame. In
this way we discover, for instance, that
we are largely composed of water. Two
thirds of a human body by weight are
composed of water. A body weighing
165 pounds will include in its belong
ings 110 pounds of water. Water fur
ther permeates or enters into the com
position of every tissue ; lienee, the rea
son why thirst is so much more painful
than hunger is that, while the latter is
a comparatively local condition, the
former affects the entire frame. And we
also sec the importance of water as an
article of diet-—a phase in which we are
not usually accustomed to regard it. If
we take even the most cursory survey of
our bodily composition, we find that our
chemical structure is of the most motley
and varied description. Tims we shall
find a large selection of minerals in our
tissues; lime, magnesia, etc., in our
bones; common salt in our stomach and
elsewhere ; iron in our blood ; and phos
phorus in brain and nerve. Then, com
ing to our soft parte, we find that these
may be divided into what physiologists
call the nitrogenous and non-nitrogen
ous compounds. Of these, the former
contain the element nitrogen in addition
to other elements, while the latter want
this element. Thus the “albuminous”
or wliite-of-egg-like substances existing
in onr frames contain nitrogen ; while
the fats of the body and the sugars and
starches do not. To these latter we
may add water and minerals, as also nou
nitrogenous in their nature. When we
eat a piece of beef, we are receiving
“ nitrogenous” food in its juice and in
its fibers; and we are also obtaining the
other variety of foods from its water, its
fats, and its mineral matters which are
not nitrogenous in their [composition.
If we eat an egg, we are presented with
a more perfect compound and union of
the two classes of foods ; for in an egg
water, fats, and minerals are present, in
addition to the white and other parts
which consist largely of albumen or
nibwgenous matter. It is perfectly
clear, therefore, that for health we re
quire a mixture of the two kinds of foods
just mentioned.
A BALKY HORSE.
A Canada paper gives room to the fol
lowing curious mode of dealing with a
balky horse : I would prepare myself
with a good strap—l want no whip;
perhaps he has got a good taste of that
already, and still he is master. But
some day, when I was at peace with my
self and all around, I would hitch him
to the buggy, turning his head to the
village. He goes half the way very well
indeed; then he begins to think he has
gone far enough in that direction, and
stops. I step down; he expects me to
use the whip; he is mistaken. Asa
criminal, I treat him on the silent sys
tem. I push him back a little out of
the way. I show him the strap, putting
it up to his nose. Igo to the off side
and buckle it to his fore leg, close up to
his breast, throwing the other end over
his shoulder ; I then raise his near foot
and fix it with the hoof almost touching
the belly. This done, I say, “ Now, old
chap, you just stand there.” I don’t
smoke, so I take a paper from my
pocket, and finding a place where I can
sit down, and he see me, I begin to read.
This is something he did not bargain for,
and the novelty of standing on three legs
Bomowhat diverts his mind from the
cause that stopped him. I think that is
the chief point gained, and the most
humane. When the strap is taken off I
show it to him, caress him a little, and
we move on without irritation. The
strap will now become a part of the har
ness for a month or two, till at last the
sight of it will act as a talisman.
PAT OF AUTHORS.
A recent-English writer says: “Un
til last year, Tennyson received $20,000
a year for his copyrights. Walter Scott
received over SIO,OOO for ‘The Lady of
the Lake,’ but Scott had to abandon
poetry when Lord Byron appeared ; and,
while Lord Byron was calculating one
morning that he had made $120,000 by
poetry, Shelley was complaining of the
printer’s bill, which lje had to defray
out of his own pocket. Browning’s re
ceipts are not equal in a year to the
veriest newspaper hack who scribbles
bad prose. Arnold’s ‘ Light of Asia ’
will hardly bring him in as much as a
dozen political leaders ‘ thrown off’ for
the Daily Telegraph. Journalism is
handsomely paid in London, witness the
writers of the Times, the correspondents
of the JYews and the Telegraph."
AMOUNT OF SUBSCRIPTION, $1.25
DINNERS AND WNOTUAI.TTT.
A prominent American statesman,
says the London Globe, was said to tako
a pride in always knocking at any door
within which he had an engagement
precisely with the first stroke of the
clock or with the very tick of Ips watch.
Perhaps if that wondrous wise states
man had taken tho trouble to “ tot up”
oil the odds and ends of time he must
have wasted in securing that pettifog
ging precision he would have found that,
whatever he might have done for other
people’s time, he had really been as waste
ful of his own as tho veriest sloven in
this way may be supposed to be on the
showing of very exemplary people—os
wasteful, for instance, us Lord Palmers
ton, who was known to drop in to a pub
lic dinner four hours after the appointed
time.
When Bosville gave his fashionable
dinners in Welbock street the guests
were always given to understand that
time must be observed to the minute,
and that if they were not there dinner
must proceed without them. It was not
often that folks came late, for most peo
ple can be punctual when they know it
is expeoted of them. On one occasion,
however, it happened to l>e the astrono
mer royal who came in a half minute or
so behind the appointed dinner hour,
and found the guests coming down the
staircase to the dining-room. “I trust,
Mr. Friend,” said the host in greeting
him, “that in future you, will bear in
mind we don’t reckon time here by the
meridian of Greenwich but by the me
ridian of Welbeck street.” That sort of
thing may all be very well when it is
clearly understood that, in auctioneers’
phraseology, it is to be dinner time,
“ prompt,” but it is not every host who
can muster the hardihood for such rig
idity, even though their gnests may not
lie astronomers royal. Most people
would agree with Dr. Johnson in his
well-known dictum on the point.
“ Ought six people to be kept waiting
for one ?” asked Boswell, who was him
self incliued to proceed without one lag
gard. “ Why, yes,” said Johnson, “if
the one will suffer more by your sitting
down than the six will by waiting. ”
Winn Tucker and Ad Hitt, two Lou
isville (Ky.) hoys, got their desire for
adventure in the common way, by read
ing tho literature of Buffalo Bill and
Texas Jack ; but tii- Jr choice of a field
was unusual, for they decided to go
South instead of West. They had very
little money. They could just pay for a
single ticket to Alabama, and they de
cided that one should travel as a regular
passenger, while the other rode in the
trunk as baggage. The toss of a coin
settled that Hitt should go in the trunk.
A bottle of water and some bread were
put in with him, and several holes were
bored to supply him with air. Tuckei
drove to the railroad station in a hack,
checked his trunk and settled himself
comfortably in the seat of a first-class
ear. But all did not go well with Hitt.
He was tumbled roughly into the bag
gage car, and left standing on his head.
Other trunks were piled on his, nearly
closing the air-holes. When almost
smothered, he let out his remaining
breath in a yell for help. The lid was
broken. The contents had lost his de
sire to roam. He confessed, and, with
Tucker, was sent home.
BILLINGS’ ADVICE TO JOE.
“By awl means, Joe, get married if
you have a fair show. Don’t stand
shivering on the bank, but pitch in and
stick your head under and the shiver is
over. There ain’t any more trick in
getting married after you're ready than
there is in eating peanuts. Menny a
man has stood shivering on the shore
until the river all ran out. Don’t ex
pect to marry an angel; them liev awl
bin picked np long ago. Beinember,
Joe, yon ain’t a saint yourself. Do not
marry for bnty exclusively ; buty is like
ice, orful slippery, and thaws dreadful
easy. Don’t marry for lnv, neither;
luv is like a cooking stove, gud for noth
ing when the fuel gives out. But let
the mixture be sum buty becomingly
dressed, with about $240 in her pockot,
a gad speller, handy and neat in hei
house, plenty uv good sense, a tuff con
stitution and by-laws, small feet, a light
step; add to this sound teeth and a
warm heart. This mixture will keep in
ahy climate and not evaporate. If the
cork happens to be off for two or three
minutes the strength ain’t all gone, Joe.
Don’t marry for pedigree; there isn’t
much in pedigree onless it is backed bj
bank stocks. A family with nothing
but pedigree generally lacks sense.”
~’qoo oip ees ?oti pip j pup no! uo
tuoo qomn os OAq noA,, ‘uem.\2.w[o eip
pojjdo.t ~‘jxs ‘qv>> uoao seas jpu[ sbai
oipn ‘nuni sip panicfo.x ~‘qqoQ si otmm
„uts hiOA mousj puop j,, .'pnqda.i
‘qq°o jo oratra aqj Aq ootnqumibou pjo
its Aq psqsoOOU ‘muiiA'.S.iap XMIAV V
Dr. J. A. H. Murray, a Scotchman,
is preparing anew English dictionary,
which is to be five times as large as Web
ster's, but this sad announcement is par
tially offset by the fact that the work
will net be completed for ten years.
A vooa l amateur inquires if his voice
can be raised with tenor ’leven lessons,
IT HATBBK STAGGERED UIX.
To see Judge W on the bench,
snd to hear him deliver one of hie dear,
precise and comprehensive chargee to a
jury, you would hardly lwdieve that he
could ever have been the vapid and
frothy John W who studied law
with Appleton, and first settled in one
of the lorgost and most thriving of the
towns of Maine. One anecdote, in par
ticular, of his younger days is worth re
lating :
John W had been retained—or ha
had l>een engaged, no retainer had ever
been paid—on an important case in
Kennebec county, and when he oame to
the court he found that the attorney in
whose hands the case had been placed
for the prosecution had engaged an old
lawyer of Cumberland, named Peabody,
to act for him. It was a civil suit
—of land damages from the construc
tion of a certain dam—and Peabody was
considered learned in such matters.
But our fledgling held him lightly.
“ Pooh ! ” John was heard to exclaim,
on the morning of the day of the trial;
“I shall make quick work of tho old
fud ! I wonder what they hired him
for,” etc., etc.
Well, the case oame On. Mr. Pea
body had stated it as he regarded it, and
his statement had certainly been very
simple and concise. Though he had
spoken but briefly, he had so clearly
presented every part and point that
those who had never visited the dam in
question could not fail to see it as it
was, and to understand just how the
low-lying, valuable meadow land above
had been overflowed.
John W arose with a flourish. He
had got his lesson perfectly. His glit
tering prelude had been carefully pre
pared, and with its wondrous sentences
he planned to so enrapture the jury as
to mold tho members to his will.
“We are told, your Honor, and gen
tlemen of the jury—we are told, by my
learned brother who has just spoken to
you, of certain damage done to certain
land. Damage to land ! —damage ! ”
and he towered like a giant and swayed
his arms aloft. “Damage to land, does
my superannuated —my venerable,
brother say? Gentlemen of the jury,
take a glance at the great Book of Na
ture. O ! there you shall find—”
“ Ah ! —one moment, ’f ’u please,” in
terrupted Peabody, starting to his feet,
and stretching forth his great, bony
hand, “ give us the page ! ”
For an instant the youthful Demos
thenes seemed puzzled—and for just
that single instant the audience was
puzzled with him, but the point ap
peared presently, and—alas ! poor John
W ! his speech was smashed. In
his agony of chagrin ho lost his clew,
and, to make a long story short, lost his
ease.
But he had gained a valuable lesson.
That appeal to an unpaged book was
among the first, as it was very near the
last, of his unmitigated follies.
NO. 27.
I’IIJLISH CONUNDRUM.
A Scotchman, so Sydney Smith falsely
said, requires a surgical operation to get
a joke through liis head. A writer in a
contemporary, however, tells the story
of a man who couldn’t get a conundrum
through his head:
There was a time with the club when
conundrums and quaint play upon words
constituted the chief of the post-prandial
enjoyment. We had all furnished co
nundrums except Phil; and we told him,
one evening, if he didn’t have a good
conundrum, fresh and new, for us on the
following day, we would suspend him for
neglecting to furnish his quota of enter
tainment.
That night Phil lingered behind after
the others had gone, and then applied to
our steward, Michael, to help him out
from his difficulty.
“Mike, give me a conundrum—a real
fresh one—that’s a good fellow. Ton
know I'll do as much for you any time. ”
Mike knew it, and scratched his head;
and finally evolved the following: “ It is
my father’s child, and my mother’s
child; yet it is not my sister nor my
brother.”
“Goodness mel Mike, how can that
be?”
31 Why, don’t you see, Mr. Barton ?
it’s myself. I am my father’s ohild,
and my mother’s child; but, of course,
I ain’t my own brother or sister, ei
ther. ”
“Hi ! I see! That’s good ! Capital 1
Now, let’s see !” And he repeated it
until he was sure he had it right.
On the following day, over the dessert,
Phil announced:
“ Ho, boys ! I’ve got a conundrum for
you, and there ain’t one of you that con
answer it.”
“Go ahead, old fellow. Let us have
it. Propound.”
“ Well, here it is ; It is my father’s
child and my mother’s ohild, yet it is
not my sister nor my brother. ”
They thought a few moments, and
then one of them oried out, and the rest
immediately followed suit:
“Why, it’s yourself, of course.”
"No,” said Phil, shaking his head.
“ That ain’t it. You won’t guess it.”
"But that is it. It can’t be anything
else. Look at it for yourself. ”
“I don’t care. ’Tain’t right. You
haven’t got it.”
" Well, then, who can it be? Tell
us.”
“ It’s our steward, Mike, MaeDou
aal /”
Guv® Logan has a friend who lived
in Cuba, who used to observe some grand
ladies driving out every afternoon with
flowers in their hair, diamonds on their
necks, and the volante full of the flounces
of their profusely-trimmed silks. One
day the vehicle upset and spilled the
great ladies, when it was discovered that
they had on neither shoes nor stock
ings.