Newspaper Page Text
volume vir.
the auk of slang.
It wasn't ho when I was young—
We ihpil plainer language then;
We didn’t speak of "them galoot a’ 1
W hen meaning boys Or mem
When spanking of the nice hand*write
Of Joe; or Tom, or Bill,
We did it plain—we didn’t nay,
"He slings a nasty quid.”
And when we miW a girl we liked.
Who never tailed to please,
Vv'e willed het pretly, neat and good,
But not “about the cheese. ”
Well, when we met a good old friend
We hadn’t lately seen,
We greeted him, but didn’t say,
“Hello, you old sardine. ”
Tlie boys Hometimes got mad and fit;
We spoke of kicks and blows;
But now they “whack him on the snoot,”
Or “paste him ou the none."
Ollce, When a youth was turned away
By h r lie held most dear,
He walked upon liis feet—but now
He “walks off on his ear."
We used to dance when I was young,
And used to call it so;
But now they don’t—they only “sling
The light fantastic toe."
Of death we spoke in language plain,
That no one did perplex;
But in these days one doesn't dio
He “passes in his checks."
Wo praised the man of common sense;
“His judgment’s good,” we said;
But now we say, “Well, that old plum
Has got4i level head.”
It’s r itliei sad the children now
Aire ilea ruing all such talk;
They’ve learned to “chin" instead of “chat,
And “waltz" imitead oi walk.
To little Harry yesterday—
My grandchild, aged two—
I avid, “You love grandpa/*" Said lie,
“You hot your boots I do. ’
The children bowed to strangers once;
It is no lunger so
'Hie little girls, as well as boys,
Now preet each other with “Hello.!”
Oh, give me back the good old days,
When both the ot.l and young
Conversed in plain old fashioned words,
And slang was never “slung."
MISCELLANY.
ADVERTISING for a WIPE
From a Bacholor’s Note Book.
HY CRL CANTAB.
“Dobbs f " h-4i i ‘my intimate friend,
Fred Hopkins, hr wo sat together one !
evening in my cosy bachelor’s apart
ment at the house of my Aunt Pt-ne
lope, with whom I board, “Dobbs if
it? is not an importinet question, will
you tell me your age.
‘Certainly/ seid 1 ; Mam twenty,
sever, or shill be if 1 live to see Octo
ber/
*\ ery well,’ said Tne, ‘and how does
it happen that you have reached such
a mature age and have not married ?
Did you reflect how pleasant it would
be to sit by your fireside, with your
wife opposite and perhaps two or three
htt 1 crowding around you ?’
Am] a* you never reflect V I return
ed, ‘on the pleasure of being kept
awake all night, baby crying, wife
scolding, coming down in the morning
tiied and sleepy to a comfortless meal,
prepared by an unskillful servant ?-r
Hut to answer you iu serious earnest,
I have thought of marriage. There is
but one object 0:1/
'What is that V
1 should never have the courage to
pop the and il I did I don't
think l could find any 011 c wiling to
have me/
‘Pooh! my dear fellow, this is per
fect folly. Faint heart ne’er won fair
lady. Depend upon it, there are hun
d eds who would jump at the chance
of becoming Mrs. Dobbs/
1 shook my head iucreduously.
As 1 shall make pursued
l'X'd, authoritively, ‘by referring to
statistics. According to the last cen
sus, the numb r of females in Massa
chusetts was found to outnumber the
I l( y 68,000. From which we may
■ infer that more than sixty thousand of
It he opposite sex me destined to sin-
Jlgle blessedness.
'Well !' said I.
■ Don’t you see, theref re, that this
■arge number will be old maids from
keoessuy, not horn choice, and would
-ipmba!dy take nj> the first offer ? COll
seqtiently you hive sixty thousand
chftnces to marry.
i his was certainly a startling 1 con
clusion.
‘But consider my bashfulness.
‘I have ’ thought of that/ said lie,
'and would advice you under the cir
cumstances to adVctise fol* a wife.—
That, you see, would obviate all diffi
culties, Shall 1 draw one up for you?
C msidering that such a proceeding
would not necessarily hind me to mat 1
riinony, I consented, and Fred placed
hefoic me for my approbation the fol
lowing :
“W ike \\ anted ! —A young gentle
man of quiet ad un issutn ng manners
•oid good tnor and character, is d< sit’ms
of seCm* ng a partner lot life, He is
engaged .11 mercantile pursuit, which,
>tllofd him a moderate inc me. Any
owe who may deem it worth their whih
may hear further portieul os bv nd
dresß'iig A, 8.0.,b0x55. Post-Office/
This document being Considered on
the whole, sufficiently exp i if, 1 car**
ried it next morning to the office of a
daily paper.
'A friend of mine/ said I, not caring
to identify myself with the ‘Gentleman
in search of a Y\ ife/ wishes this ad'
vertisement inserted in your paper.—
How many times will it probably be
necessiny to insert it?*
* Three times/ said the clerk, ‘will
he amply sufficient. ‘Tnat sort of ad
vertisement/ lie added smiling sig
nificantly,' never fails to receive early
attention.
I Ini I resolve 1 not to open any let
ters uiitii the end of the three days on
Which the mt was to ap
pear. I 8/oit to the office three times
a daVj and never failed to receive a
letter lor A. 11. 0.
On the third • veiling,.when Fred and
I sat down to examine the pile tli.it
had accumulated in my let tel-case, w<;
counted l<>rty-seven !
”Didu 1 I tell you, Dobbs/ said Fred
laughing, ‘that then* was stdl a chance
fixr you ? And now let us plunge into
the midst of thugs, for vve have a
night's work before us.
It was a motley collection—no less
.arious in otitwar 1 appearance than in
character of thee intents. Some were
inclosed ,11 envel pos, others without.
Some of the former were o i delicate
cream-laid paper, others were written
on a half sheet of common letter pa
per, and inclosed ii a brown envelope.
Some were scab and with a wafer, press
ed ly a thi mbit!, others—'.hose of
greater pretensions —were fastened
with sealing.wax, or with small inot
so-seals, with various devices and in
sciiptions. Of these inscriptions I
recollect a few, as, ‘Wholly thin /
Taithful till death/ ‘\Y r e are wm/
‘Forget mu not/ etc. Th n for devi
ces there was a pair of clasped hands
a heart pierced with darts and others
of the same character.
S me of these letters were irresisti
bly ludicrous Oie 1 recollect, was
from a Cilifb nii widow, who had
heard nothing from her husband f r a
year. *As to waiting for him any lon
ger,’ she wrote, ‘I don't intend to do
it. Most iik *ly lie’s dead, but it it
should so happen, which heaven for
bid ! th it lie shoul l return after my
second marring •, I have no doubt lie
could be persuaded to yield bis claims.
G here's an affectionate wife f >r vu,
su'd bred : ‘lf he should return, which
heaven forbid!’ Piss that by.'
I shall give entire the next letter,
which came in a brown envel >pe, and
was directed at the very top to Mi. A.
B. C., Esq., in a handwriting executed
by fingers plainly more accustomed to
the rolling pin than the quill.
‘Mr. A. B. G. ;
Dear Sir —Happening to take up
the newspaper the other day, 1 saw
your advertisement. Didi/t think
much of it at the time. After a while
1 happened to think—you must know
I keep a boarding house—-that if 1
were married my husband could look
alter t'>e marketing, and do the carving
for the gentlemen. Now. 1 have to
get one of them to do it by boarding
him at halt price, fro, thinks Ito my
self, as tins seems to be a proper sort
ol ina # (judging from the a Ivrtise
im nt, of course) l juess I will write
and sec what h* thicks about it. My
b >a.iding-house is No. 5 Central street
—and 1 should be happy to have you
come ami take dinner with us to m r
-row. To boarders need n<>t know
that you have come lor anything par
ticular, an 1 then you can see how it
suits you. \ ours to c uiiuiatid
‘Polly Stccbs.
P. S.—Dinner lioiu at one o'clock,
precisely. Pieaso be punctual.
'Mrs. iMubes is a sensible woman, 1
sad b red, after reading the c mimti
nicilioii, ‘and a thorougl. Yankee, I’ll
be bou *d. She leoks at the practical
sid*.* of tliiags, she does. . Shall you
take dinner at No. 5 Central street
'N T ot 1. I never could carve decent"
ly, as my Aunt Penelope can testily.—
But wh t have we here?’ I asked, tak
ing up a perfumed note, written in a
small hand, which could be deciphered
with difficulty. 1 read as follows :
“Dear Sir— Or rather, may I not
address you as beloved friend”? Yes
—yes, Iwi l! Away with the cld
convctionalities that would deny me
the privilege! Yes, my friend, there
a*e some characters that we read at
a glance. Yours 1 read in the; terms of
your advertisement—so modest, so
Concise, so appropriate. 4
Aon must apply that to yourself,*
interrupted I, laughing, ‘for you know
Fred, you drew up the advertisement.
But let me go on.
“My boart is drawn i o .you— I blush
not to conic ,s it ; I feel that we were
made lor each other; 1 have longed
for a congenial [spirit—an intimate of
the other sex for whom I might live,
and to whom I might cling with fond
affection. Trusting to hear from vou
ere long, I remain
Yours in tne closest friendship,
Gkorgiana Dai k.
( l will leave Miss Dale to you, Fred,
as she has evidently Irllen in love with
your not mine. Hope she
won't be disappointsd.
Si we went through the list. We
do not intend to favor the reader with
the contents of the forty-seven. One
was from a milliner—two from ladies
in i educed circumstances—-seven from
widows with large families—seventeen
from* professional old m lids—the re
mainder not i x /licit up n this point.
One thing 1 noticed in regard to
these letters. None of the ladies who
were over twenty, made allusion to
their age.
From so many w riters I found it dif
ficult to select the one who, so far as
I could judge, would best sil t me. At
length I decided, though with hesita
tion, tp answer one from a lady who
professed to be gifted with a sweet dis
pos tion and domestic tastes, and who
moreover., <>wn.)d a small house in the
city, with SISOO in radro./d stock
I wrote, veiling my real name as she
had done, appointing an interview
with her at the south part of tin,* com**
•non tho next day at ten i/olock. She
was to carry a w hite rose in In r hand,
and Ia red one---tb it we might thus
be ab'e to distinguish each other.
Let iik*, before pro ceding further
ski tch for you my aunt Penelope Bax
ter, with whom 1 boarT'd. *Siie was
now* Komewher about fifty years ot
age. She had never been very pre
possessing in personal appearance. A
sharp, wiry nose long and thin,
eyes, and compress and mouth were
my aunt's characteristics, physically.
She was a good worn m in the main,
though somewhat diposed to scold
Aunt Penefop * was an ol 1 maid from
she said. She often declared
she wouldn't marry for any money.—
'Doyou think,’ said ‘that I would
tie myself to a husband ank children
when I can live independent?'
To return. About nine (.'clock the
next day, arrayed in my best, Is t,
out with palpitating heart for the Com
moo. My r s* I kept out ofsigdit, till
i arrived at the place designated,when
seating myself on one of the benches
1 awaited my unknown visitor.
I did not have to wait long. My eye
soon caught the figure of a lady ad
vancing towards me, with h white rose
in her hand. She was thick y veiled ,
s ) that l coul I not catch a gli npse o
her face. She seemed to be b>oki .g
around her, doubtless for the Kuig t
of the Red Rose. I concealed it until
she was close at han I.
Summoning all my courage, I rose,
an I with a rapid step advanced toward
the lady.
‘Kuowest thou this token V
pered, presenting the rose.
The lady, who had been looking in
the opp site turned at the
sound of my voice. I was quite unpre
pan and for what followed With a
slniek of surprise, .-he
‘Rood heavens ! It is Henry 1'
What Aunt Penelope said I with
a surprise equal to her own. ‘Can it
be possible ?’
‘\es/ she said, trying to recover
herself, ‘as it was so pleasant this morn*
■ n g, (*1- very cloudy, and the sun
had not made its appearance) Ic.itnc
out to visit your Aunt Mary/
‘But.’ said I, who was determined
to eon use Aunt P> nolope as much as
possible, ‘I tho glit Aunt Mary lived
in quite a different part of the city
‘I thought/ said my aunt, hesitat
ingly, ‘that I'd take a walk on the
Common first.
‘I see,' -a and I, still tonne.itingly,
‘that you have a while rose lor her.—
How kind of you ! By good luck I
have a red one. Please present this
with the other/
EASTMAN, GEORGIA, THURSDAY. JANUARY 2, 1879.
My aunt stammered some unintelli
gible answer, took the rose and de*
parted—not to my Aunt Mary’s, but
homeward. '
I din not meet her at the dinner
table. She sen' word that she was in
disposed
‘What is the matter V I asked.
*1 don’t know/ said Bridget ; ‘sin 's
acted uncommon quern* this morning.
About eight o'clock sin* sent me down
town to get a white ros“. Said she
was very particular al) >ut its being a
white one. So 1 got it, and she went
out about nine. She was very much
fluttered like, and ran tight up to her
room.
My Aunt Perm lope did not s on re
cover from the mortification ot that
day. It became painful to her to have
one continually pivssnt who was ac- 1
quaimed with the circumstances. She
s nt for me one morning ami told me j
that as her health was poor, and as it
was meonuenient to spare a room, she
regretted that I would be compelled
to seek another boarding-place.
My aunt Penelope died about a year
since. I had firmly expected to Im
her heir. But she never forgave me
for my share in the events which I
have described.
Witness the following item in'her
will :
“Item.— For my nephew, Henry
knowing his partiality lor roses
1 dii ect that a sufficient sum he laid
aside to purchase lor him two rose
bushes— one white the other red.'
It was thought a singular request,
but I und rstood it. The house and
SISOO invested in railroad shares went
to another member of the family.
lieade** lam still , unmarried. The
first trial was sufficient, and the re
maining forty-six letters, against the
persuasions of my friend Fred, were
consigned to the flames.
The red and white i os'-hushes, my
aunt’s bequest, stdl graces my bach
elor's apaitm nt. Whenever I fed
matiimoniaUy inclined, which is not j
often, as Ia n over forty, 1 Fok at
them—consider—and and *ci !u in the
negative.
“SHARP.”
T F is a favorite term for those who
are known to make go >d bargain <,
are adepts at reading character and
succeed astonishingly in tlu-ir under
takings. The leading pecularity of
sharp people is that they are fearless
in their general ha its of thought and
act on. \\ hle the Wary financed*
secs where be can make . good invest
ment, ami y< t hesitate lest unloruseey
events may prove disastrous, the sharp
man takes in the whole possibilities
and probabilities of the case, and re
sdvi s to run the risk; he strikes at
once, and t ikes tlie loss or gain. One
amasses s vi ral fe tunes apd loses
them, while the careful, slow plodde:
is steadily accumulating a modest
competency. The one is will ng to
cross a morass on a dangerous pa h
where a false step my submerge him,
rather than take the longer route
around which so many are traveling;
while the other is content with the
slower, yet safer, way. 'Thus, looking
at it in i’s true light, circumstances
alone decide whether one is fortunate
t > bel mg to this nervous, adventurous
class; the people who cause the fluctu
ations of the commercial world, tie
rise and fall of stocks, the disastrous
fa lures, a id the consequent unrest of
more quiet citizens.
Like the lightning whose forked
tongue leaves a vacuu m in the heavens
followed by starting reverberations of
thunder, but win se fiery ordeal purifies
the atmosphere, making it pure and
so the energetic, who would rather
annihilate everything than die of in.
action, keep public affairs in working
order. Not only do they m ike their
influence felt iu business affairs, but
in g’eat emergencies that require un
daunted courage. When timi I pcoule,
like cowards, trj,*ad softly in the quiet
• t eets, lest their footsteps shall be de
tectected in the hour of suspicion or
danger, the wide-awake few walk bold
ly, and not alone us* their own hands
to settle the difficulty, but draw others
into serv ee.
When Fraud, in dashing style, un
daunted, holds tho reins of wealth and
power, the masses fall l ack and give
tin* lawless freebooter full swav; but
the keen eye and witty tongue of the
feirless man makes itself known; and
wli- n his hands liaxe dethroned the
pi tty tyrant, and Justice is again seat
ed in her a ci< nt majesty, and resumes
ln-r wonted sway, ail | oint with pride
to tin* one who ‘*c< uld not he fooled/
Every one of tm* aping crowd know
fey have acted a false part} that they
have taken the view he look, and
would have liked to act as he has act
ed, but lacked the manly courage.
Asa nation we are shrewd; our sys
tem of equal rights throws every one
on his own resources: he must either
sink or swim. Ilis faculties become
acute, for they are in i o stunt demand;
he must protect his rights, and he be
c iiiea exceedingly practical. We ex
pect these quuhiie.- in people, and an*
surprised if we do not find them One
who is unfortunate enough to be de
frauded by another is considered more
deserving of blame than pity, because
lie is supposed to have had opp n tuni
ties to inform aims If. Even the one
who lias been dishonor,do eqoiigh to
make the ‘h-hurp barg iin/ though des
pised e.s a mean man, is secretly admir
ed for bis shrewdness. A ‘\sharpei"
is the worst kind oi a confidant or ad
viser where he can have interested
motives, and is perhaps as thourough
ly a discontented being as tuere is;
but the ease, good natured man, who
can never see the people’s real motives
and look out for himself, ha- a harder
life o it still ‘‘He ye therefore wise
as serpents, and harmless as doves;’'
while, having good intentions towards
others, love them as well but no better
than yourselves.
Starting a Boy.
A lonesome-lo iking hoy was vester
day hanging around a woodyard in the
northern part of the city, when tin
owm*r of the yard, having both charity
and philanthropy for boys, with tears
in the hid why he didn't peddle apples
or do s nnethi ig to earn a Tew shillings.
The boy replied that lie had no capital
and the wood yard man took a nickle
and said:
‘Now, my boy, I'm going to start
you in fife. Take this nickle and go
an 1 make a purchase of something or
other. I'll buy it of you lor ten cents,
no m liter what it is. C une, now let
us see what sort of a business In ad yi u
have on you'
The boy took fhe nickle and wen*
off. but in ten minutes was hack with
a gallon jug which iie had purchased
with the i.ickle.
‘Well, you are a kmmer/ replied the
man. ‘I never sov one of those sold
for loss than fifteen emits to any one
I want, such a jug, and here n its full
price. Go now and lay outyoiK fifteen
cents in apples, and I wi 1 buy half
your stock.'
The boy did not return. Perhaps
lie Tell into a sewer somewhere; but
you can't mak'* the wood-yard man
think so. Win nhe lifted the jug from
under thn tsble where the boy had
carefully placed it, he found a hole in
the bottom large enough to put in a
black and tan ten ier.
Maternal Affection Touchingly
Exemplified.
A Pittsburg journal relates tlie fol
lowing:
1 lie fact tint all mothers w'..o desert
ilie r children arc not heartless, was
demonstrated in a touching manner a
lew days since at o .e of the institutions
for the care of the poor. More than
two yetrs since a babe- was found on
a door-step, and was handed over to
the office's ol ti.e institution. Some
Weeks afterward a young woman vis
ited the Imu-'e, and S 'cmed to be par*
tioul illy in rerested in the we'fare of
the infant. She repeated her visits
frequently, and as the little one grew
it seemed delighted to see her, and was
always ready t> be fondled and petted
by her When it was ab'e to prattle
the f male visitor was particularly de
lighted, and during her visits gave the
child her undivided attention, A day
or two since the visitor again ( mt in
an appearance, and the child, while
seated in her lan sad, f l do flee von
to come; you nurse nv so nice/ She
wasuual-lo toe -ntrol hers 'll any long
er, end although the matron was p es
ent, she hugged the little one close
to her breast and g ive way to tens.
Ihe visitor told the matron that she
was the mother of the child, and that
when f-he left it where it was found, it
was a question of life or death for ihe n
both. She was utterly penniless, and
had parted with the babe hoping that
it would br tender y cared for and that
some day she would be able to reclaim
it. She said she found it difficult to
remain away from it, and that Iter fre
quent visit.*, although ostensibly for
another purpose, were made because
she could have an opportunity o! nurs
ing it. She said she was in e nidition
n*w to lake charge of it and the .su
perintendent, after making prop t in
quiries and giving her some money,
allowed her io lake it away.
Bob fngersoll on Stingy 3len.
I dospis- a stingy man. I don t see
how it is possible for a man to dit
worth $5,000,000 or $10,000,000. in a
city full of want, when he meets every
day the withered hand of beggary and
the white lips of lamine.
How a man can withstand all that,
•nd hold in the clutch of his hand $20,-
000,000 or $30,000,000, is past my c m -
prehension. I do not see how he can
do it. I should th nk he could not do
i
it any more than he could keep a p le
of lumber when hundreds and thous
and were drowning in the sei. Do you
know I have known men who woul 1
trust their wives with their hearts and
t ieir but not with their p >cket
ho.iks—not with a dollar. When 1
see a man of that kind, I always think
he knows which is most valuable-
Think of making your wife a beggar !
Think of her asking 3*oll every day fur
a dollar, or to humbly beg fot fifty
c nts. “What did you do with that
dollar I gave you ?’ Think of having
a wife that is afraid of you ! What
kind of ch 1 Iren do yon expect to have
with a beggar ami a* coward for the r
mother ? Oh, 1 tell yon it you have
but a dollar in the world, and 3*oll have
got to Spend it } spend it as though it
were a dry* leaf, and 3*oll the owner of
unbounded forests. That's the way
to spend it. I had rather be a beggar
and spend my 1 ist dollar like a king,
than be a king and spend my money
like a beggar. It it s got to let it
go. Get the best 3*oll ran for your
family—and look ns well as you can
yourself. When you u>ed to go court
ing, lmw nice you looked ! Ah, your
c}*e was bright, your step was light,
and you just put on the very best you
could. Do you know that it is insuf
ferable egotism in you to suppose that
a woman is going to love y..u always
looking bad as you cun. Think of it !
Any w> man on car h wil r\e t ue to
you forever when you do your level
b s!.
Southern Factories.
According to a carefully prepuv and
statement of Gen. L. P. Walk r, of
Alabama, that State has 2,118 facto
ries, working 8,2 48 hands, with ;t cap
ital invested of $5,714,032, paying an
nually in wages $2,227,968, and yield
ing annually in products $13,040,644.
Florida has 630 factories, Working
2,749 hands, with a capital invested of
$1,679,930, paying annually in wages
$989,592, and yielding annually in
products $4,685,403. Georgia h is 3,846
factories, winking 17,871 hands, with
a capital invested of $13,930,125, pay
ing in wages $4,844,508, yielding an
nually in products $31,196,115. Lou
isiana fas 2,557 factories, working
30,071 hands, with a capital invested
of $18,3k3,974, paying in wages s4,_
593,470, yielding annually in products
$24,161,905. Mississippi has 1,731
factories, working 5,941 hands, with a
capital invested of $4,501,714, paying
in wages $1,579,428, yielding annually
m products $8,154,758. .South Caro
lina has 1,584 factories, working 8,141
hadds, with a. capital invested <>l $5,-
400,418, paying in wages $1,543,715
yielding annually in products $9,858,-
981. Texas has 2,319 factories, woik.
ing 7,927 hands, with a capital invest
ed of $5,284,110, paying in wages $1
787,835, yielding annually in products
$11,517,302. Aggregate number of
factories, 14,884; aggregate number
of hands < inployed, 80,948; aggregate
capital invested, $54,824,303; aggre
gate wages paid annually, $17,514,516;
aggregate annual value of products*
$ 102,6 15,103. —Scientific American.
The New Vault.
Thu new vault in the Unite,! S ates
Sub Treasuiy, in New York City,
which has b en prepare 1 lor the sto
rage of silver dollars, is fmty-iight
feet M length, thirty fc *t in width, and
twelve feel in height. Ifevery avail
able inch should be packed solidly
with 412| grain dollars, it Would hold
not far from forty mi bon dollars. Kv
ery knows that s Ivor is bulkv, out
veiy few are aware how bulky it is.
A bag of 1,000 412£ grain dollars
we gus 59 3-16 pounds avo rdupoi-.
Accord ugly one hundred thousand of
these doll,n h weigh not far bom three
tons It a merchant or ' anker having
a payment ot $30,000 to make is com
pelled by circumstances to pay with
silver dollars, lie would ived a vehicle
as strong and as large as an ordinary
CO" cart (made to carry a ton ot coal)
to transport them, an 1 if this shoul i
be heaped up, n . m nv ih ,n 32,000 sib,
ver do law c mid be loaded o*
Consolation is found in a dictionary,
and rest, in a store whose proprietor
does not advertise.
Ihe times are hard—every bod 3' ac
knowledges it—but the wages of siu'
are not cut down.
" hmi married men complain of be**
ing in hot water at homo, it turns out
that half the time it’s scold.
An energetic over-nice in’
cleanliness, scrubbed her dining-room
floor until she fell into the celUr.
A notice of a music il performance
concluded: “Variety of other
may be expected, too tedious to men
tion/* , w
An editor puffing air-tight coffins,
said: “No person having once tried
these will ever us* any other.’*
*
C 1 whs Devine, minor, was arrested®
for plucking his neighbor's fruit the
otherYiay. To err is human; to for-*-
give Divine.
A Dutchman repeated the adage,
‘Birds of a feather flock thus
‘Birds mid one tedder goes mit demi
se! ves.’
Pat, having blistered his fingers 5’
trying on anew pa r bo its, exclaimed,
‘I shall never get them on until I wear
them a day or two/
‘Clergymen,' remarks an exchange 1
like railway brakemen, do a} great
deal of coupling/ Ah, yes; and the
coupled ones do all the switching.
—
An Irishman charged with an assault
was asked whether he wag. guilty,
‘II iw can I tell, yer Hornr, till I have
heard the evidence?’ was the reply.
Advertis inent— Lost nn’empty’saek
with a cheese in it. 011 the sack the
letters P. G. are marked, but’so com
pletely worn out, as to be illegible.
Athletic sport for ladies—
at conclusions, walking around a sub*
ject, running through a novel,
full descriptions.
A youtli with a turn of figure*, had"
five eggs to boil, andj,being told to
giv<? them three minutes each, boiled
them a quarter of an hour altogether.
She was a stubborn woman, apdf
when she died her husband planted a
willow over her grave, so that even in,
death she might have a willjo’ lierjown.
A Chicago’clergyman
out anew Lord's Prayer for the hene*
fit of good children who have to dress
in cold rooms. It is only seven, words,
long.
‘-Sandic, what is the state of religion
in your town?’ ‘Bad, sir, bad; there
are no Olnistians except Davie and
myself, and I have my doubts about.
Davie.*
Now that a baby has been choked
by the rubber tube of a nursing bottle,
mothers will believe the primeval sys-,
tern of f eed ug offsprings the best by
a large majority.
A Kentucky editor says a neighbor
of lus is so lazy that when lie works in
the garden lie moves about so slowly
that ihe shade of his broad-brimmed
hat kills the plants.
‘*Lverv diop brau’v I drank paid
duty, midear.” “Well, what of it?”
said his wife, as she pulled off his boots.
‘Then, midear, uint Ia (h e) duty-full
husband?’ S.n: co icbldcd that h‘i was
An Indian has just died on one of
tne reservations at the advanced ago
ot well lie* couldn’t just say how old
lie wa-, but rem. inhered distinctly
when Oie Hull began his farewell tour.
♦♦♦
Toe discovery has been made that
the world do s not revolvo with
same motion that ip thousand
years ago- 1 " s"'ingsju*ound
* • enough to satisfy the man with <|
heavy bill coming duo.
>O. !.