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€t)t iHcDuffie Journal. 1
A Real Live Country Paper. Published
Every Wednesday Morning, by
WIIITK Jte HUDSON .
Terms of Subscription.
One oopjr. one year $2.00
One copy, six months 1.00
Ten oopies, in clubs, one year, each.... 1.50
Single copies 5c ta
ts All subscriptions invaribly in advance.
BUSINESS CARDS.
I). F. IK VING,
THOMSON, GA.,
Dealer iu Boots and Shoes,
bM now on hand a complete stock of
Ladies’ Gents’ and Children Wear.
Call and examine for yourselves.
Oct. I*, 1874. 3m
R. W H. NEAL,
ATTfIRNRY AT LAW,
THOMSON, GA.
Office.—OYer It. H. Bush’s Store.
' H. C. RONEY,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
THOMSON,* GA.
W Will practice in the Augusta, North
«rn and Middle Circuits. nolyl
W. T. O’NEAL,
Attorney at I^nw,
THOMSON. GA.
ts Will practice in this and adjoining
circuit*. All business entrusted to his care
will reoeira prompt attention.
March 11. 1*74. ts
CHARLES S^BuBOSE,
ATTORNEY AT I.AW.
WABHeNTON. GA.
C-ir Will practice in the courts of the
Northern. Middle and Augusta Circuits.
ir. r.
Attorney nt Law,
WARRENTON, GA.
CW flue dilligence given to nil l.nsiness
entrusted to hia care. Ily permission be
ref#n» to
P. H- Mali. Athena, Ga.
Col. C. W. Dqßom, SpartA, Ga.
KT..TuAtice W. W. Montgomery. Savan
nah, Ga. Feb. 4, ts
PAUL C. HUDSON.
AITORXEY AT LA W,
Thomson, f»n.
Will practice in the Superior Courts of
the Augusta. Northern and Middle Circuits,
and in the Supreme Court, and will give
attention to all cases in Bankruptcy.
Ang. 25, 1,74. ts
(Central Hotel
MRS. W. M. THOMAS.
AUGUSTA, GEORGIA
aenlltf
rALM Elt II 0 USE.
.'Over Ilignon A Crump's Auction Store.)
2H4 It road Strrrt. Augusta. Ceorsia.
.7. /. PLSftS It, Proprietor.
flood board fnrnished by the week, mouth
or day.
April 15 ts
A. J. CLARK,
PF.ALRR IN
Watches, Clocks, Jewelry,
Spectacles, Eye-Glasses, Etc.
Watches A Cloek* Repaired A Warranted
JEWELRY MADE AND REPAIRED
ALL KINDS OF HAIR BRAIDING DONE.
ts 184 Broad Street, Augusta, Ga—
Next to the Telegraph Office.
Ang. 12 1874. fim
€. I. I)ODD. K. L. MEALIVO.
C. E. DODD & CO„
nfvE REMOVED TO 21st BROAD ST.,
Opposite the Central Hotel,
IJGUSTA, GA.
Call and see our styles of
MENS' BOYS' AND CHILDREN'S
HATS.
NoTembei 5, 187.3. Cm
A BABE OPpSt NITY.
circumstances being sncli that I can
not travel, I will sell oue-hnlf or all of the
the territory of Georgia, which is now un
sold, for
Shield's Patent Stock-Yoke.
If I can sell as many as fifty counties to
poe man. I will dispose of the right so that
an engetic man can make one thousand per
cent, by re-selling the counties.
I will take in payment, real estate, town
property or sfook
' I refer any one wishing to purchase to
and Latenby, Agents in MoDuffio
/touaty, and to those who have purchased
/>nd triea the Yoke.
Address by letter or in person.
W. H. HAMMETT,
Social Circle, Ga.
Sept. 30, 1873. ml
W. LI. Marshall,
PONTBAOTOR AND BUILDER,
THO.U'O.r, »-.f.
ts Plana. Estimates, Ac., furnished.
Work Solicited.
ts REFERENCES: Town Council of
Thomson: T. E. and A. M. Massengale
Gunn's Mills, Ga.
Aug. 26, 1874. 3m
Oeptistr^.
Db HAFE offers his profes
sionai services to the citizens of Thomson
and vicinity. HU office for the present will
he at the residence of MR. \y. E. SPIER,
,Where he may be found from tlje Ist to file
J Oth of each month.
July 8, 1871. ts
(The; Jpcgufr mi'clilij Jouijnal.
VOLUME IV—NUMBER 42.
Thomson High School
FOR
BOYS AM> GIRLS.
T
X HE Spring Sefwion of this School will
open on Monday the 10th day of January,
and will continue six scholastic months.
The Fall Session
WILL BEGIN AUGUST 10,1874
and continue four scholastic mouths.
Board can he procured in private families
at *ls. per month.
For particulars apply to
N. A. LEWIS, Prin.,
Thomson, Ga.
iy
A
Fact for the People. The Cumberland
University Busineas College and Tele
graph Institute, at Lebanon, Tennessee;
i and Bryant and Stratton Business Col- ;
lege and Telegraph Institute, at Nash- :
ville, Tennessee, are the leading Actnal ,
Fusiness Colleges in the South aud ;
West. A
SITUATION
I for all worthy graduates in Telegraphy, is
GUARANTEED
I as soon as the course of instruction is
! completed,
OR ONE-HALF
of all the money paid for
THE TUITION
will, within thirty days, be
REFUNDED.
All modern improvements iu Business
training. Rates to suit the hard time.
Session perpetual. For particulars, ap
ply in person, or address the Principal,
THOM \S TONEY,
Lebanon, Tenn.
Or Nashville, Tenn.
January (>, 1874. ly [c2(iaug]
Dll. JAMES S. JONES. J. V. JONES.
J. S. Jones & Son,
GROCERS
A KTID
commission merchants,
THOMSON, GA.
Having gone entirely into the sale of
Staple and Fancy Groceries, take pleasure
iu announccing to their friends and the
public generally that they now have and
will constantly keep on hand a
FULL AND WELL SELECTED ' TOCK OF
Staple ami Fancy Groceries, principal
I among which may bo found Bacon, Flour,
j Sugar, Coffee. Mackerel, of the finest grades
Syrup. Molasses of every grade, Cheese,
Crackers. Pearl Grits. Hominy, Kice, Lard,
I pure Liverpool Salt. Gosheu. and country
butter. In their line of
FANCY GROCERIES
they do not hesitate to say that they have
the finest variety ever exhibited iu this mar
ket. In the selection may always he found
CANN I£i:>
Lima Beans. Green Com. Fresh Salmon.
Fresh Mackerel. Fresh Peaches. Pine Apples.
Pears. Apricots, Oysters, Mince Meats.
Pickles, both domestic and imported
Preserved Plums, Dam sons. Raspberries,
Blackberries. Lime. Pepper Hash, Pepper
and Worcestershire Sauce,
Candies, Cliocolate,
both in drops and for the table, Condensed
Milk, extracts of all kinds. Apples, Oranges,
Cocoanuts, Almonds, Pecans, Bra/il nuts,
English Walnuts Ac.
They also have a fine assortment of To
baccos. Segars. Pipes, Smoking Tobacco,
Tea, Soap. Plain and Toilet Lunch Baskets,
Cream Tarter, Soda. Yeast Powders, all of
which they are offering as low cash prices
that cannot fail to suit all.
Otir motto is still “Quick Sales and Small
Profits. ”
JAMES S. JONES it SON.
[mr lf.yl] dec 11 Thomson, Ga.
IMPROVED
GEORGIA COTTON PRESS,
PATENTED MARCH, 1870, BY
"PENDLETON & BOARDMAN,
AUGUSTA, GA.
rpHE satisfaction this PRESS has given in
J the past, the great improvements made
on it, and the fact of its being from forty to
fifty dollars cheaper than any other good
press, should induce planters and others to
send for one of our new circulars be
fore purchasing. We also manufacture
Irons for Water Power Presses and Screw
Presses. Address.
PENDLETON A BOARDMAN,
Foundry and Machine Works,
Kollock Street, Augusta Ga.
June 24, 1874. 4m
Eo Ho &QmwEtßE® 9
IMPORTER AND DEALER IN
WINES, ALES,
jj<( lOUS. pORTEKS,
Cigars, Etc.
G'orni'r Broad nixl JaeU
s«n Stri-ot,
AUG USTA, GA.
May 7 ts
TO YOUNG MEN.
FOR the developement of Business talents
ami character, and the preparation of young
and middle aged men for the counting
house and business pursuits, the best facili
ties are offered at
MOORE’S
Southern Business University,
Atlanta, Ga. The largest and best Practi
cal Business School in the South* Students !
received at ahv time.
ts Send for a Catalogue.
June 24. 1874. • ly
THOMSON, McDTJPFIE COUNTY, GA., OCTOBER 21,1874.
POETICAL.
Drittiug Seaward.
I’m dreaming of the morning
In the misty long ago,
When midst the radiant dawning
Os its pearl and rosy glow ;
Iu the sunbeam’s dancing quiver.
Launched two boats in mimic glee,
On Life’s broad and shining river,
Drifting onward to the sea.
How the singing ripples tinkled
On the gleaming, golden sand ;
How tho laughing sunbeams twinkled
As each dimpled, baby hand
Scattered leaf and bud and blossom
O’er tbe waves in frolic free—
Over childhood’s rosy bosom,
Drifting onward to the sea.
How the currents crossed each other
With a murmured, mystic tune;
And they floated on together
Thro’ the blossom-laden June,
Till the winds of fate swept o’er them
Drifting onward to the sea.
Oh ! tho many mingled voices
Os its changeful hopes aud fears;
Now it weeps aud now rejoices.
Now in laughter, now in tears;
Now thro’ singing vale and meadow,
Now where winds wail mournfully;
Thro, life's mingled shine and shadow
Drifting onwiu-d to the sea.
Oh ! the loving tones that sadden
With their memory-laden powers;
Oh ! the beautiful eyes that madden
For a love that once was ours;
Now their ghastly shapes appall us,
And we falter tremblingly ;
Now their mystic voices call us
On to meet them at the sea.
Now the night-wind of September
Sings tbe dirge of summer flowers,
But we smile as we remember
That the blossomed June was ours ;
Aud I send my greeting over,
And my kisses waft to thee.
As we glide along the river,
Drifting onward to the sea.
As our morning mattens breaking,
Woke the earth with tuneful lays,
May our noonday songs awaken
Many hearts to love and praise ;
And at evening’s closing vespers,
May each voice exultingly
Sing the Gloria in KxccUis;
As the river meets the sea.
SEI.EI'T MiMCLLLAA >.
THE SIGNAL-BOX.
I am the wife of au ex-signalman on
the Uniform Railway. His signal-box
stands high up, white and solitary, above
a charming country.
It is veiy hot in summer, when the
sun shines on the glass, and very cold in
winter, when the northeast wind howls
around it, and whistles aerial music
through the telegraph.
It was an important look-out, for with
in a mile of it, numerous lines intersected
each other, over which, day and night,
trains were ever crossing and recrossing,
with hairbreadth escapes of collisions.
When John was courting me, he often
made me tremble about it, by saying,
“Jane, that place is a trouble to me ; one
day 1 know there will be a crash ; 1 feel
it. A man can't be always in health.
Even a'signal-man’s brain will sometime
become dazed and muddled ; and then if
he makes a mistake, asmash mustcome,”
We were married, and John grew
brighter and more cheerful, and I trusted
lie had forgotten that wretched present
iment of his about the collision.
After six months, however, it returned,
worse than ever. He used to read all the
accidents; and when any of the officials
were convicted for manslaughter or uis
charged for negligence, he would say :
“ That may be my case to-morrow, Jane;
then what’s to become of you ?”
I am aware men would nothave thought
like him, but he had the kindest, most
sensitive heart.
“John,” I said at last, “why don’t
you quit the situation, and get something
else ?
“Because a married man should never
give up one employ before he’s sure of
another.”
“Well, then, dear, don’t say any more,
or you’ll make me as nervous as yourself.”
1 had begun to think about the cross
lines and the mail express as much as
John himself, though I wouldn’t let him
see it. The signal-box began to haunt
me, and I used frequently to go up to
the turn of the road look at it for no
purpose at all. That idea of a collision
was a monomania with John—it was
becoming so with me.
A year wont by safely, and except for
that miserable thought, uo two persons
could be happier than John and I, especial
ly as we now had a little daughter, who,
for awhile, banished John’s dread, aud
we talked hopefully of the future. Our
prospects were better, for my husbaud
unexpectedly heard from an uncle in
Australia, who had made a oomfortable
fortune, aud intended to return and live
with his relations.
“Who knows, Jane? He was ever
kind, and he may start mein something,”
said John, one evening, when I had
taken his tea to the signal-box, and was
amusing Maudie with the colored lamps.
“ I certainly will try, if——if,” he added,
looking thoughtfully up and down the
lines, “ nothing happens before,”
“ For goodness’ sake, John, don’t talk
like that! All has gone safely for four
years; surely it will continue to do
with care.”
“I don’t know tlmt,” he responded,
gloomily. “It’s the confounded Wyming
express I fear. Within a space of two
minutes it crosses the line of the Hen
shar mail, and often it’s five before its
time. ”
“What do you do then, John ?” I asked,
liuslyng Maudie.
“Why, I turn that colored lamp; then
the express, knowing the mail lias’nt
passed, slackens speed until it lias.”
“And if you were not to show that
light?”
“ It would come on, get into the same
line with the mail, and carriages would
go to lucifer matches !” r
“Oh, John, please don’t! You make
my blood run cold!”
After that, there was another fasci
nation for me beisdes the signal-box—
the colored lamps, by a mistake or
omission in the use of which I knew not
how many lives might be hurled into
eternity. I regarded them with awe, and
over and over again asked John their use.
Weeks slipped by, and we got another
letter from Uncle Thompson. The ship
which brought him from Australia had
been delayed by a severe gale iu the
Atlantic, but now he was safe iu England,
and intended shortly to come and sec us.
“h’ufo!” remarked John; “uo one
now-a-days can reckon upon that, with
a long railway journey before him.”
John slightly exaggerated, of course,
but that autumn the collisions and
accidents of all kinds had been something
fearful. Not a day passed but fresh
collisions were recorded, and, with a
morbid interest, John used to read them,
and make my soul quiver by the remarks
—“Such might just have been my case,
Jane. No doubt the fellow was dead
beat. Only the mercy of Providence
saves me from manslaughter, or a dis
j charge through negligence.”
One oppressively warm evening, lie
had, while at tea, been reading about a
1 more than usually terrible accident,
! owing, it was stated, to the signalman,
who had been on the look-out for sixteen
; hours, making an error in the signals.
I Putting the paper down, he exclaimed,
“Jane, how often have I felt iih he
! describes, lull of terror,., knowing how
j many lives might be depending on me!
| How 1 pray Uncle Thompson may help
i us, and I may give the whole thing up!”
Rising, lie put on his hat; he went on
duty at six. I watched him anxiously.
Never had I feft more nervous, for I hud
observed him nodding unconsciously to
himself over his tea. ludeed, he looked
so depressed, I was half inclined to ask
him to let me go with him. But I knew
he wouldn’t consent as it was against the
rules ; while, independent of which, the
man who temporarily filled liis place was
the greatest enemy John had, and would
be sure to tell of him if he did so. I
knew Richard Malin bore a bitter enmity
to my husband, and would gladly do an
ill turn to one whose rival he had been.
I was aware he never forgave my accept
ing John and rejecting him, so I held
iny tongue, spoke cheerfully as I could,
as I walked with him to the corner of the
road, and waited until I saw him appear in
the signal-box, when I retraced my steps.
I had never felt so nervously restless
as I did that night. I could settle nothing,
so sat down before the fire. I kept a
j light for John’s return, and tried to divert
myself with my baby, but the child soon
slumbered, and I sat thinking until I too
slept.
The whole time I dreamt of nothing but
railways. They were everywhere rushing
and tearing about me; tlieir shrill whist
les deafening my ears. I beheld the ex
i press and the mail with a noiseless
| horror, rushing toward each other, with
j lights seeming to laugh with fiendish
j mirth; then there was an awful cry—a
\ crash, aud scene of destruction. I was
| awoke by my own cries !”
| Irritated at being so startled, I bustled
| about to forget the scene, aud I put
I Maudie to bed, and again sat by the fire
| and dozed.
j Scarcely had I done so, however, than
| there arose before ine a shadow-ay figure
' of indefinite form, pointing out of the
, window in tho direction of the signal
box.
I moved restlessly aud put my hands
before my face to shut it out. Finally, I
started, rose to my feet, and I could have
declared the figure stood on the hearth
rug, in the firelight, only it gradually
melted into air.
Just then the clock struck half-past
ten.
In half an hour the Wyming express
and Henshar mail would lie due. At
that I began to tremble violently, and,
throwing on my shawl, I determined to
go and look at the signal-box and see if
all was right.
White mists had risen since I was last
out; and above them rising from a bil.
lowy sea, as it was about a mile distant,
rose the “look-out,” distinct in the moon
light.
But where was John ? Generally I
could see him moving about ; now, the
place apparently was empty.
What did it mean ? There was one
answer —John was asleep!
TERMS-TWO DOLLARS IN ADVANCE.
Never shall I forget the sensation that
ran through my veins at that thought.—
The crown of my head seemed to liter
ally lift up. Then, why, I could never
explain, I ran back, seized Maudie, and
afterwards hurried to the signal-box.
Rapidly I ascended the steps to the
“look-out.” I tried the door, it was
fastened on the inside ; and what sight
met me within, through the glass!
John, sound asleep, his head on his
linns !
Calling to him loudly, I shook the
handle. He did not stir. AU was silent
save for the monotonous tick of the clock,
beating out the fatal minutes, above his
bead. I dared not delay. I dashed in
the glass, put in my hand, turned the
key, and entered. Even this did not
arouse him.
“John !” I called, slinking his should
er; “what is the matter with you?
Wake up! It’s eleven, the express is
coming!
He breathed heavily, but made no
sign. What was the matter with him?
His appeared uo natural sleep. In my
alarm at the Hying moments, fond moth
er as I was, I forced Maudie to cry, hop
ing that might awaken him. It did.
Slowly lie looked up heavily; but only
to sink back to sleep. At the same mo
ment I heard ill the distance the faint
whistle of the express train. It was
coming, and Hensler mail had not yet
passed. The terror of a whole life was
condensed in those few minutes. The
colission John had foretold had come at
lust. AU my efforts to arouse him were
futile. I stood alone, the trains rushing
to their fate. I saw the awful sight of
my dream realized; I saw men, women,
children, iu one frightful heap, amid
broken carriages. My brain reeled: I
turned sick. Then the intensity of my
fright apparently cleared my brain.
Why should I not save them?
As the question occurred, tbe whistle
of the advancing mail sounded. Look
ing right and left, I perceived the grow
ing lights of each engine coming nearer,
for the line was clear. I waited uo lon
ger. I recalled what John had told me
and turned the signal lantern for the ex
pressjto slacken speed. Eagerly, breath
lessly I watched. Had 1, after all,
made a mistake? Yes—the lights still
approach ! No— they hail stopped!
The next moment the signal box was
shaken to its base by the rush of the
mail train beneath it. I watched it Uy
off iu the distance, turned the light,
heard the Wyming express in its turn
whirl under me, and knew, as 1 fell in
sensible on the iloor, that nearly two
hundred people had been on the brink
of the grave, and that I had saved them.
My baby’s cries, however, soon re
called my senses, when, bringing water,
I dashed it over John and at last brought
liiai to. I shall ever remember his look
when 1 told him what had occurred.—
He could not believe the mail had pass
ed ; blit I soon proved it to him beyond
a doubt.
“I eau’t make it out, Jane,” ho ex
claimed. I have not the slightest reccol
leotioii of going to sleep. In fact I was
doing all I could to keep awake. It cer
tainly must be cold.”
“What is that?” I asked, abruptly,
pointing to a glass.
“Part of a mug of beer Dick Mullen
left me.” he answered.
I saw it all. The beer had been drug
ged to work our ruin. John wouldn’t
hear of it.
There being no more trains, we went
home, I taking the beer with me.
“John,” said I when there, “I’m go
ing to show I’m right about Richard
Mullen. See !
And before he could prevent me, I
drank the contents of the glass.
A quarter of an hour after, I was as
dead asleep as he had beeu.
But this act destroyed any proof we
had against Richard Mallen, who, how
ever, confirmed our belief by discharging
himself from his situation.
But the most singular part of the af
fair was, in that very express train trav
elled uncle Thompson, who had come
down to see us.
When he heard of his narrow escape
and how I had saved him, he vowed he
would never forget it. He kept his
word. He started John in business, liv
ed with us, and made his will iu our fa
vor.
Now express and mail trains no longer
give us sleepless nights, though we nev
er ourselves travel by rail without think
ing of that fearful night in the signal
box.
The Village Paper.—“ The little
village paper” is the best paper in the
world. No other contains the marriages
and deaths, to say nothing of divorces and
births; no other relates the accidents
happening before the doors of the villa
gers ; no other gives the time of the next
ball, picnic or political meeting; no other
discusses the affairs of the town and
county, the arrival of new goods on the
merchants’ counters, or of a new hat on
the editor’s desk. Without a paper the
town that has ever enjoyed a well man
aged one, feels indeed lost. The well
edited village paper is the most welcome
visitor at the door of the villager and I
farmer, and is, in the same proportion,
the best medium for advertising.
“Make up With Her.*’
We old fellows have all been there,
and we can remember all about it. We
loved her—guess we did ! —and we knew
that she loved in return. But one day
she gave Sam Tompkins a smile, or she
let Tom Watkins walk home with her i
under an umbrella, or she did some other j
simple thing, aud we got huffy. We
loved her all the time, but wo sat down !
and wrote her a letter, dating it at mid- j
night, saying that we wanted all those j
letters aud that ring aud that photograph i
back. We hoped she wouldn't return
’em but we felt a malicious pleasure in
punishing her. The letter was sent, or
handed to her personally, and we met
her with a cold “ good morning,” as she
came to school, but bestowed our best
smile on Litvina Wedge, the homeliest
girl in the town.
Our heart ached when wo looked across i
the desks aud saw her slyly reading the
letter and trying to keep back ‘lie tears;
but we went over to the third girl behind
to borrow a geography, and to the second
girl in front to borrow a grammar, aud
we were entirely unconscious of the
presence of the girl we loved. We stood
beside her in the class as straight a-sapole,
never letting on that we saw her, and the
mutual agreement that if one missed the
other should do the same in order to keep
together, was broken. We tried to feel
maliciously glad when we went to the
head and left her near the foot, but we
couldn't do it.
It went on this way for three or four
days. Once in a while we caught her
looking at us with a sad, sweet smile, as if
she were some poor orphan with no friend
in the world ; and her note said that she
couldn't part with the letters and the
keepsakes. We held out bravely until it
began to hurt us the and then we
got ready to “make up.” It couldn’t be
done suddenly, that would be acknowl
edging our wrong. We waited until
noontime, and then as she eat her dinner
in her seat we began looking for a lost
book. We thought it was under the
seat next to liers, and while we were
looking for it she spoke again. Then we
coldly replied, but sat down near by and
asked if “she had those letters with her.”
She said no, and wo moved nearer. She
said it wasn’t her fault, and we said it
wasn’t ours, and somehow our fingers
touched.
No one knew what a burden of anxiety
was rolled away in five minutes, and how
much clearer the afternoon sun shone for
it. She seemed dearer than ever before,
and when the brown eyes cleared the
tears away, an 1 tho merry dimples came
hack, we wondered how we could have
been such an unfeeling wretch ; and yet
it was the some thing over in less than
six weeks.
Ah, me! Those lovers who have had
a smooth path, and married without
i having quarrels, and make-ups and
jealousies will never know whnt true love
I is.— M. (Juad, in Our Fireside Friend.
A Very Surprising Surprise Party.
Those surprise parties, somehow, nearly
always turn out unpleasantly. They tell
about one that came off up in Connecti
cut recently which was not joyous as it
should have been. It was reported of a
man and his wife, who had been married
for many years without having any
children, that they had at last been made
happy by the birth of a daughter. Some
of their friends determined to give the
man a presentation surprise party. So
about forty persons marched up to the
house one evening, carrying a cradle,
and lots of gum-rings, aud bibs, and
bottles with guin nozzles, aud a baby
oarriage, and some little night-gowns and
i a coral armlet, and a gross of soothing
syrup, and socks, and paregoric. And
they all burst into the parlor at once on
tip-toe. And when the man in amaze
ment, asked them what they meant by
such conduct, they said they were com
ing quietly so as not to wake the baby.
And when he blushed, and stammered
and asked, “What baby ?” they said his
baby, aud began to hand him the things,
and to load him up with soothing syrup
and gum-rings until he floored one of the
guests with a quart bottle of paregoric
and held him until lie explained. And
then it was revealed that it was all a
mistake about that little daughter; that
no such arrival hud takon place at all,
but that the report was false. And then
the suprise party was a great deal more
surprised than the man was ; and the
guests gutbered up that infant furniture
and tried to pretend to the man that they
never thought he had a daughter, but
that they understood he hud accepted a
position as a directorof an orphan asylum,
and that they broughtaround a few things
for him to distribute among the poor
fatherless ohildren. The man said it was
singularly thin, and then the company
went home, The Constitutional Conven
tion ought to adopt some kind of a
measure to prevent these mistakes.
“Are you very foud of novels, Mr.
Jones?” “Very,” responded that inter
rogated gentleman, who wished to be
thought by the lady questioner fond of
literature. “Have you,” continued the
lady, “ever read ‘Ten Thousand a
Year?’” No, madam, I never read that
number in all my life.”
“Weight for the wagon,” sang the
fat lady.
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WISE AND OTHER WISE.
Noah was the first arkitect.
The melon colic days are gone.
BalloouH do Dot cost much—they are
made for ascent.
“Doctor, is tight-lacing injurious ?’►
“Os cor-set it is, madam."
There are many who can’t read who
know A bee sees.
Early to bed and early to rise will all
be in vain if you don’t advertise.
Tailor measuring fat customer; Would
you hold the end, sir, while I go round ?
How Patrick proposes to get over his
single blessedness—By proposing to
Bridget.
When does a man have to keep hi*
word ? When no one will take it.
When were there only three vowels in
the alphaliet ? Before you and I were
thought of
It is a wonder scarf-pins do not get
sea-sick ; they often ride on tho bosom
of such heavy swells.
Never attempt to form an opinion of
a woman’s weight by her sighs.
Let your motto be “Liberty or death,’’
and if it ever comes to the pinch, take the
most of it in liberty.
We hold that a woodchuck is fit for
treason, stratagem and spoils ;because he
has no music in his hole.
That was a bright little child which in
quired: “Ma, when cows die, do they go
to the “milky-way ?’”
Thousands of poor men are spending
as much for newspapers as would buy
them a good mint-julep every day.
A Pennsylvania newspaper says, “On
Tuesday Mr. TJudercofTer raised 143
bushels of jKitatoes. ”
Wolud-be contributor: “I wish yon
would tell me something to write about.”
Editor: “Well!" “Right about face.’’
A telegram from St. Jolm, N. 8., an
nounces that “a house occupied by three
families, three barus, aud two sheds,”
was burned the other day.
“What becomes of dogs when they
die?” was what a juvenile in Boston
asked liis parent. “They go to the hap
py land of canine,” he quickly replied.
It was a Canadian road, and tho broke
man had called out, m a sonorous voice.
“Teeswater,” when an argumentative
person got up and exclaimed, “it’s a lie!"
“If a naughty girl should hurt you,
like a good girl you would forgive her,
wouldn’t you?” “Yes marm," she re
plied, “if I couldn’t catch her.”
A clergyman one stormy night prayed :
“O Lord, wo thank Thee for the goodly
number here to-night, and also that Thou
art here notwithstanding tho inclemenoy
of the weather.”
“Yes Job suffered some," said an Illi
nois deacon, “but he never knew what it
was to have his team run away and kill
his wife right in the busy season when
hired girls want three dollars a week. ”
The Danbury philosopher observes
that the placlidity of expression wom by
a man who is “next” in a full barber’s
shop cannot lie counterfeited.
The Pittsburgh Leader prints half its
advertisements upside down for the ac
commodation of its rentiers who habitual
ly stand on their heads.
“Gasoozling” is anew slang word,
meaning to “honeyfugle.” If anyone
shouldn’t kyow what “honeyfugle” is,
we explum that it is a synonym for
“hornswoggle."
“Who made you?” was asked of a
small girl. She replied, “God made me
that length,” indicating with her hands
the length of anew born infant, “and I
growed the rest myself."
When we asked a man a few days ago
what induced him to make a law stu
dent of his son, he replied : “Oh, he
alwayß was a lying little cuss, and I
thougnt I’d humor his leading propen
sity.”
Josh Billings says that, “Trying tew
live on the reputation of a dod father or
granfatlier is just about as euterprisin a
buisiness as tryin to hatch out rotton
eggs under a tin weather cook.”
A student who had a better knowledge
of hymns than some of his studies, one
morning when asked to spell and define
“prone,” created a sensation in the
class by replying in a very solemn tone,
~p-r-o-n-e, to wander.”
An lowa squiro concludes the marital
knot ceremony thus : “Them that the
court bath joined together let no man
bust asunder; but suffer little ohildren
to come unto them, so help you God.”
A promising youth of nine summers in
western Massachusetts recently relievod
his over-burdened mind as follows;
Lord of love, look down from above
Upon us little scholars;
For we have a fool to teach our school
And pay her twenty dollars.
A German woman named Voit, aged
about fifty years,died in Ephratah, Ful
ton oounty, thirteen years ago, of apo
plexy. Last week the body wasjdisin
terred for the purpose of removing it to
the John’s town Cemetery. It was thor
oughly petrified. When it was struck
with an iron rod, a sound was produced
as though it had been brass, or other
hard metal.