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WHOLE NO. 200.
The Qaittnen Reporter
is ruSMsdfiti evkky tricitSttAY by
JOS. TltlLitfAN, ri-oi>
'i'KUM.-i-
One Tear 00
Six Months 1 00
Three Months > r, o
All subscriptions must be paid invariably
*n a ir.finer -no discrimination in favor ol
'anybody.
Til-.! paper will be stopped in all instances
at the expiration o'* .lie time paid tor, unless
subscriptions arc previously renewed.
RATES OF ADVERTISING.
Advertisements inserted .at the rate ot
SI.OO per square -one inch -for first inser
tion, and 75 cents for oa 'b subsequent in
sertion, for three weeks ~ less. For a lon
ger period the following are our rates:
Sirs 1 M. all. 3 -■! OM. 12 M.
1 $5 00 $3 00 10 00 15 00 S2O 00
2 800 12 00 15 00 2I 00 25 00
3 10 0J 15 00 13 00 25 00 00 00
4 12 00 10 0) 20 0) ; 00 00 1 35 00
5 11 00 18 00 12) 00 135 00 40 00
(i 15 00 20 00 !2500j40 00 | 45 00
8 18 00 12500 j3O 00 45 00 j 50 00
i col 25 00 |3)ooi 35 00 !5000 I (10 00
1 col 35 00 14000 ! 15 00 j 0)00 | lit) 00_
A square is one inch. These are our low
test rates, and will bo strictly adhered to.
All advertisements should be marked for
n specified time, otherwise they will be
charged under the rule ot so jnuch for the
first insertion, and so much for each subse
quent insertion.
Marriages, Obituaries and Tributes of Re
spect wilf be charged same rates as ordinary
advertisements.
WHEN HILLS ARE DUE
All bills for advertising in this paper are
due mi the first appearance of til" advertise
ment, except when otherwe- arranged (>
(contract, and will bo presented when the
Eiouev if. needed.
Dr. E. A. J E L KB,
Practicing Physician.
QUITMAN GA.
Office : Brick building adjoining store
t)f Messrs. Briggs, Jelks & Cos., Screven
street. [l-tl
S. T. KINGSBER.Y,
Attorney at Law,
QUIT MAH, - - GEORGIA.
in new Brick Warehouse.
Business before the U. S. Patent Office
attended
I. A. Allbritton,
Attorney at Law,
QUITMAN. - - - ' GA
tfil-OFFIOE IN COTJttT HOUSE.
W. A. S. HUMPHREYS,
Attorney at Law,
QUITMAN. GEORGIA.
in the Court House
HADDOCK & ItAIFORD,
Attorneys at Law,
!
QUITMAN, GEO.
Will give prompt attention to all business
fentnisted to their care.
over Kavton’s store.
Dr. J. S. N. Snow,
DENTIST.
OFFICE—Front room np stairs ovorKay
ton’s Store. Gas administered for painless
ly extracting teeth.
t@ suit tho times.
jan 19, ly
C. W. Stevens,
Attorney at Law,
- - - - GA.
Will give prompt attention to all business
entrusted to him.
Can be found at Capt. Turner’s of
fice.
7b. finch,
DEALER IN
Dry Goods, Groceries, Roots
Shoes, Huts and Caps,
Hardware, Tin Ware,
Bacon and Flour.
Very gratefnl for past, favors and patron
age, the subscriber asks a continuation of
the same; ,
J, B. Finch.
33-35-6 m
The Brooks County
t/
MANUFACTURING
ASSOCIATION
ARK RUNNING
r FI ie i r LVie < ory
FULL TIME.
HR MOST good*, kiigli us ox
1. m-tly uit the \v;mts of the people ore j
made here, and at
New York Prices,
less the freight to the purchaser.
BROWN COTTON GOODS.
4. 4SHEETI NG Standard weight.
7-8 SHlßTlNG—Standard weight.
7 niuj S OSNABURGS.
ALL COLORS OF STRIFES.
YARNS IN BALES, 8s- 10s.
ROPE—-in half and whole Coils.
SEWING THREAD—I 6 balls to
the pound.
K N IT' IT N(I Tll RE AD.
WRAPPING TWINE.
GEORGIA PLAINS.
MIXED PLAINS.
WOOLEN PLAINS—AII colors.
JEANS—AII colors.
IS?"WOOL CARDING A SPE
CIALTY.
Patronize homo industries. Send for
price list, and satisfy yourself where it will
Iho to yonr interest to buy. Addiess all
i coimuunications to
JOSEPH TILLMAN,
President B. C. M. A.
THE aux 7
1877. YORK. 1877.
The dirll r- nt e ditions of The Son during
the next year will he the same as during the
year that has just p issed. The daily edition
will on week days be. ;i sheet of four pages,
and on .Sundays a shee t of eight pages, or 56
broad columns; while the weekly edition
will be a sheet of eight pages of the same
dimensions and character that are already
familiar to our friends.
The Nun will continue to he the strenuous
advocate of reform and retrenchment, and
of the substitution ot statesmanship, wis
dom, and integrity for hollow pretence, im
becility, and fraud in the administration of
public affairs. It will contend for the gov
ernment of the people by the people and for
j the people, as opposed to government by
frauds in the ballot-box and in the counting
of votes, enforced by military violence, it
will endeavor to supply its read, rs a body
now not far from a million of souls with
the most careful, complete and trustworthy
accounts of current events, and will employ
for this purpose a mi melons and carefully
selected statf of reporters an 1 correspond
ents. Its reports from Washington, espe
| cially, will be fall, accurate and fearless,
and it will doubtless continue to deserve
and enjoy the haired ol those who thrive by
plundering the Treasury or by usurping
what the law does not give them, while it
will endeavor to merit the. confidence of the
public by defending the rights of the people
against the encroachments of uiijustiiied
power.
The price of the daily Run will he 55 cents
a month or s■). 50 a year, post paid, or with
the- Mind ay edition $7.70 a year.
The .Sunday edition alone, eight pages,
$1.20 a year, post paid.
The Weekly Sun, eight pages of 56broad
columns, will be, furnished during 1877 at
the rate of $1 a year, post paid.
The benefit of this large reduction from
the previous rate for the Weekly can be
enjoyed by individual subscribers without
j the necessity of making lip clubs. At the
i same time, if any of our Iricuds choose to
j aid in extending our circulation, we shall he
| grateful to them, and every such person who
sends uh ten or more subscribers from one
I place will be entitled to one copy of the
! paper for himself without charge. At one
j dollar a year, postage paid, the expense • cn
I paper and printing arc barely repaid; and,
| considering the size of the sheet and the
quality of its contents, we are confident the
! people will consider The Weekly (Sun the
! cheapest newspaper published in the world,
1 and we trust also one of the very best.
! Address, The Sun, New York City.
i). K, CREECIL
DEALER IN
Dry Goods, Boots, Shocs 9
( 3 othing, Plantation
Furnishing Goods, Etc
KAS RECEIVED lii.i new Fall and Win
ter Stock, and will be pleased to see his
old customers and the public generally, and
Hell them goods at the lowest market prices.
Quitman, Ga., Sept. 12, 187(1 tf
CLOTHING.
Although we advertise up-side down, we
are right-side-up, especially in the sale of
CLOTHING. W e have now in
our store the largest and most varied assort
ment of Clothing ever in this market, and
by an arrangement which we have perfected
with Mo?*!*. X. L. Falk At Cos.,
Manufacturers and wholesale dealers, of
Savannah, we can supply our customers with
any article in the clothing line at 25 per
cent-, below the retail prices of any house
in Savannah. Call and examine sam
ples, and give us your orders.
E. T. DUKES fc BRO.
Quitman, Ga., Sept. 19, 1876. •
PIMPLES.
I Will mail (free) the recipe for preparing
a simple Vegetable Balm that will remove
fldiif FreckleSi - Viniples and Matches, leaving
the skin soft, dear and beautifu’; also in
structions for producing a luxuriant growth
of hair on a bale} head or smooth face. Ad
dress Ben Vandelf sfcjDo., box 5,121, tfb. 5
Wooster street, New York, 48-21
QUITMAN, GA., THURSDAY, MARCH l, 1877.
He lost his negroes by the war; lie
lost his money on the turf; and he will
not make anything in the Returning
Board from the Democrats—wo mean
J. Madison Wells.
Since the infamy of the majority of
the electoral commission has become
known, there is a suspicion amontr a
good many people that the Bradley
about whom so much has been said is
no less a personage than Aaron Alphe
ora. This is not at all complimentary
to Aaron Alplieora.
“The greater question," said David
Dudley Field, speaking of the Florida
ease, “is whether or not the American
people stand powerless before a gigan
tic fraud.” There certainly is your
gigantic fraud to begin with, and there
before it, too, stand yout American
people, says the Louisville Cotirii'r-
Journal, and we think it so appears.
TuA resolution adopted by the com
mission yestesdav, to give the eight
electoral votes of Louisiana to Hayes
was drawn by Oliver P. Morton, of
Indiana. This little scrap of history
should he preserved. There is some
t hing exceedingly appropriate in the
tripartite arrangement of these histo
ric names—Wells, Morton, Bradley !
Constitution.
When the present complications
are settled, we hope the people of
Louisiana will See, what has long
been plain to the re t. of the Union,
that, they are not safe until they have
rid themselves of this Returning
Board. It has always been the black
est blot on the administration of their
unfortunate State. Perhaps they
will now realize that it is also their
gravest danger.— Tribune.
If the Tribune’s party will cease
interfering in Louisiana, and the Pres
ident of the Trio tine's party will take
his troops away, that blackest blot
will Very speedily be wiped away.
World. ’ _
G rant submitted bis plan of specie
resumption to the Cabinet Saturday,
lie thinks currency can be brought to
a specie basis within a mouth, and,,
according to the New York Herald's
Washington correspondent, says “ev
erything will come out right pretty
soon for the project,” which is to is
sue $100,600,000 of four per cent,
gold bonds to fund greenbacks, the
bonds to be valid as bank reserves
on deposits and security for circula
tion. There are many hundred thou
sand men in the United States who
do not regard the Presidential “pro
ject” as illustrative of financial w is
dom, though Grant evidently thinks
he knows all about it.
Washington telegram: “The speech
of Representative Purman of Florida,
in the House this afternoon created a
tremendous sensation, and the mem
bers gathered around him in crowds.
The Republicans were dumbfounded
to hear one of their own party, and a
carpet-bagger, at that, stand up in
his seat and assert that his State had
been fairly carried by the Democrats
and fraudulently given to the Repub
licans. Coming right on the head of
the action of the Elector)'l Commis
sion in the Florida case, the chagrin
which Mr. Purman’s remarks created
among the Republicans was much
greater than it would otherwise have
| been. It ought not and cannot fail
j to have its influences on the country,
| coining from such a source.”
The South is entitled to represen
i tation on the Supreme Bench, and her
claim will no doubt be recognized af
ter the 4th of March. On this point
the New York Sun says:
“This exclusion of twelve millions
of people from any voice of represen
| tation iu the highest court, has been
continued since the close of the civil
war twelve years ago. We are enter
ing at last upon an area of concilia
tion, of peace, and of new prosperity.
The harshness of carpet-bug recon
struction is about exhausted. The
worse features of the Enforcement
acts have been pronounced unconsti
tutional. The carpet-bag system
generally has fallen into utter dis
grace, and all the violent measures by
which extreme leaders have sought to
hold on to power, are now generally
condemned by the country.”
Georgia, as the banner Democratic
State, should have that judgeship.
Wo have no suggestion to make as to
the proper individual. Uncle Sam
will no doubt pick out the best man.
A bright young lady gave her slow
lover a delicate leap year hint the
other evening. In the coarse of the
conversation the gentleman asked
her what form of marriage she
thought the most beautiful. Her
quick reply was: “I should care little
for form; the substance seems of
more importance.” That girl wears
an engagement ring now.
I'll!! Down Hit' Monunicnl.
When thirty or forty years ago it
•vas determined to honor George
Washington in some extraordinary
way, people thought they could best
do so by building bun a matblo obe
lisk on the bank of the Potomac. Wo
will not stop to discuss the wisdom
of their plan. It is enough to say
that if six hundred feet of mftrble
were necessary to commemorate six
feet of George Washington, the shaft,
as it stands and lias stood for years,
does not commemorate him mncl
above the knees.
Ii is now proposed to ask Congress
to appropriate money for the purpose
of pulling down this monument and
building it up again somewhere else.
As it stands, the untinished shaft lias
cost, between three and four hundred
thousand dollars. In the present de
pressed condition of industry it could
probably be pulled down for less.
Let the monument comedown, by
all means. The foundation of ledge
rock upon which it has its base may
be stable, as the engineers who locat
ed it there thought, or it may be un
stable, as the engineers think who
now recommend its removal. It is ol
little consequence which engineers
are right. The truth is, we no longer
need or want a monument to George
Washington. He is superseded. The
principles for w hich he fought are
surrendered, and the Constitution
which he defended is dishonored.
Why keep up any longer the hollow
pretense of honoring the man?
Full down the monument, then,!
and let ns bear no more talk of re
building it—that, is, of rebuilding it j
in honor of George Washington. [
File up the stones again, if the city |
must have a shaft, and pile them I
high. I’iie them up tiil the apex can
be seen for miles in any direction. :
At the top of al! put a colossal statue
.4 foe Bradley, the .1 ’resident-maker, |
with a band;!./, m. i one eye and his
band stretched out toward the s\ Lite. ■
House.
If Congress is to make an appro
priation, let it appropriate all the
copies of the old Constitution which!
belong to the government, and all the
statutes aud all judicial decisions bas
ed upon that Constitution. ‘ Let the
great mass of documents be melted
down into a colossal pasteboard stat
ue of Joe Bradley and placed at the
top o! the shaft; but let the new mon
ument be known as a monument to
him and not to George Washington.
— N. Y. Sun.
TlifiT Was One .Matt
Calling himself a Republican, in Con
gress, who could not swallow the,
Louisiana Returning Board knavery.
His name is Julius 11. Seely e, and be
represents the tenth district of Massa- j
chusetts. He is President of the Am
herst College, in that State, and is a
man ot much ability' and learning.
All honor to him.
Seelye, however, thought the vote
of Louisiana should not be counted at
all, but thrown out on account of
fraud on one side and intimidation on
the other. But even the Returning
Board thought only about a thousand
were seared away from voting for |
Hayes in Louisiana, while we do not
believe that even one was intimidated
in that way. However, Seelye knew,
like every other Republican member;
of Congress, that the count of Louis- j
bum for Hayes was a gross and irre- j
dcemablc fraud, but be was the only j
one unwilling to become a party to it.
Mr. Benu.umix, the eminent Q. C.
who was once a United States Sena
tor, and who, during the existence of
the Southern Confederacy, was its
minister of war aud of the interior,
has set an excellent example to his
colleagues at the English bar. He
returned ill his briefs for the sittings |
of the courts at Guildhall, accompa
nied by the checks for the fees which j
he had received on them. His rea
sons was that as his time would be I
occupied in Westminister Hall he did
not consider it right to receive fees
for business to which he could not at
tend. n __
The llamiton Tax.—The Nears and
Courier says when Governor Hamp
ton first called for ten per cent, con
tribution, the Columbia Union-lle.rald
was surprised into saying that if, in
tho course of a few weeks, the tax
payers should really pay SIIO,OOO to
agents of Governor Hampton, it
would begin to believe that the
“Starve-’em-oat” poliev might bo suc
cessful. Tho money has been paid.
Governor Hampton has received, so
far, over one hundred thousand dol
lars, with many precincts yet to hear
from.
The experiment tried in Liverpool
of opening cheap coffee houses for
the sale of cocoa, coffee, tea, and bread,
to counteract the influence of the
grog shops is proving very successful.
Eighteen have already been estab
lished, and though most of the sales
are only a half penny,- they not only
meet expenses, but will pay a good
dividend on the outlay. They are
considered a most effective weapon
against intemperance.
It was at the funeral of a family.
A neighbor in the church-yard, while
tlio service was going on inside, was
speaking of the deceased, and took
advantage of the opportunity to ob
serve, in a tone of subdued sympathy,
"An’ he had just got in his coal aud
potatoes for the winter. It is a sad
case.”
Untight Him.
A mnn and his wife, seeking to
break themselves of fretting and
scolding, entered into an agreement
of this nature: Tltb one who first lost
temper with the other or with the
children was to bo published as a
“scold.” The medium through w hich
this humiliating intelligence was to
bo communicated to the world was
not specified iu the contract, but the
husband uuderstdM ttiat it was to
bo through the newspaper.
The wife nearly bit the end of her
tongue off the first day’s trial, snap
ping up the hard words which tried
to escape her lips. But both were
dismally peaceful until the afternoon
of the second day, when the husband
tlew into a passion simply because
one of the children polished his
stockinged feet with a blacking brush
while he was taking liis usual nap.
At the tirst burst of anger bis wife
quietly arose and put on her bonnet.
“Where are you going?” bo in
quired, suspiciously.
“To publish you,” she replied.
“Oh, well, go ahead. The boys at
the olliee won’t give me'much of a
blast.”
“But I’m not going to the printing
office.”
“Where, then ?” he asked, in sur
prise.
“To the sewing society.”
That brought him to terms, and
long and earnestly he begged her not
to make his weakness known through
out the length and breadth of the
land. Finally, in consideration of a
new silk dress, by him to bo deliv
ered, she agreed to let him off. But
it was a narrow escape.
A Sensation in Church. —There was
a sudden sensation in an Oakland
church, on a late Sunday. It ap
pears that a young lady member of
the choir became so anxious to exam
ine a certain exasperatiugly pretty
bonnet in a pew back under the organ
loft, that she lost her balance, and
turned a somersault down upon the
unsuspecting congregation. The min
ister had only reached “tenthly,
when he was shocked by a dissolving
view of striped stockings; and the
millionaire underneath had just se
lected his smallest coin for the heath
en, when a pair of two inch heels took
him in the back of the neck like the
fast dying lick of a pile-driver. When
the dust cleared the church was
found to be empty, and since then the
Hock have meekly, but firmly, inform
ed the vestry that unless the choir is
fenced in, or a net stretched ever the
heads of the congregation, ns requir
ed by law, they will stay away from
the sanctuary. —Pittsburg Gazette.
RkiTiiiEiNG to the decision on the
Florida case the Philidelphia Times
says:
The one lesson of yesterday that
will make good men of every faith and
clime bow to keen regret, is the strict
partisan decision by which the highest
tribunal the laws of a free govern
ment could create, decided the vote
of a sovereign State for the Presi
dency of the Republic; and should
the final judgment of the Commission
be deformed by a partizau decision,
there will be unrest even under the
willing obedience that the nation will
faithfully accord to its lawful ruler.
Many men are said to be self-taught.
No man was ever taught in anyother
way. Do you suppose a man is a
bucket, to be hung on the well of
knowledge and pumped full? Man
is a creature that learns by the exer
tion of his own faculties. There are
aids to learning of various kinds; blit
no matter how many of these aids a
man may be surrounded by, after all,
the learning is that which he himself
acquires. And whether he be in col
lege or out of college, iu school or out
of school, every man must educate
himself. And in our times and com
munity every inaa has the means of
doing it.
Susan Shrove, of Princeton, Ky.,
had the reputation of being a won
derfully trustworthy fortune-teller,
though she was not an old hag, as is
the conventional sceress, but young
and handsome. She predicted, some
time ago, that C. Lewis Hollings
worth would meet his death at the
hands of a highway-man, and that
his body would never be found. A
few days ago his horse returned home
riderless, and Susan’s reputation stood
high until it was discovered that she,
too, had disappeared and that Hol
lingsworth had taken his best clothes
and all the money lie could raise.
Granite is brought from Maine to
build a post-office in Atlanta, and
marble from Vermont for headstones
in the government cemetery at Mari
etta. 10,000 pieces of the latter have
just been received. This is the way
that the government helps the South.
Witbiu sight of the new post-office
there is actually an uncovered moun
tain of granite, and not twenty miles
from Marietta there are inexhausti
ble quarries of marble. But the men
of New England must have Contracts.
—Allaida Constitution.
A woman’s hand. How beautifully
moulded! How faultless in symme
try ! How soft and white, and ridd
ing; and old how much of gentle mem
ory its pressure Conveys. Yet we
don’t like it in out hair, says a crusty
old married editor somewhere in Sf.
Louis.
iUK.ILLMNU A LA MODE.
My (Ipp.rust wish in gratified,
Wo’m settled, lo .-o, at lust,
Within tho little rural home
We (IrtMid'ul of in the pant.
A Gothic cottage, rose-entwined
'Flic “Gothic” took my eye
And advertised at such a song,
Wo could not help but buy !
The roses, clinging ’round the porch,
Perfumed each passing breeze;
The sunbeam shimmered into shade
While tumbling through the ree.s;
A little streamlet, ripjdii g m ar,
Made music, night and day;
And such a chance, the Fg nt said,
’Twere hh-i!Ui> to th‘\>\V awtuy ’
In this sequestered vale, we felt,
Our lives could ripple by
Uadimnied, save bv such tleeoy clouds
As shade the summer sky;
And so, about a month ago
We bade adieu to town,
And iiFour new-found Edcu home
We came to settle down.
Rut “settling down" is tedious work.
As every,woman knows
Who makes her plans in j'oetryi
And works them out in prose.
We found our Gothic cottage went,
So very much to point
That we and all our household gods
Seemed somehow out of joint.
Our furniture was all so largo,
The rooms so very small,
Twasonly by Procrustean skill
We fitted in at all.
The kitchen both the servants left,
Without a second look,
I think, my dear, to modern Eves, •
The devil comes as cook !
The rose-wreathed porch is full of slugs
That are the ‘Tiihh'en's dread j
The little streamlet turns a mill
Whose racket turns my bead.
We’re so sequester and by the hills,
And sheltered by the trees,
We never see a passing friend,
Or catch a passing breeze.
In short, nr .Lav though L.is, of course,
Is breathed alone to you
Tho dim f< rspe< live lends a charm
To every rural view.
And as for Eden well, I hopo
It isn’t wrong to say,
I’m not at all surprised that Eve
Rebelled to tjcl away!
Iftteiuess iii Ancient. Pompeii
Ono of the most interesting dis
coveries in recent years at Pompeii
was made iu 1875, when a wooden
chest was brought to light, contain
ing the business receipts of ono L.
Ciecilns Jucundus. The chest crum
bled to dust on exposure to tho air,
but the tablets on which the receipts
were written have at length proved
to be legible in many instances, and !
the result of a careful study of these
tablets by Mommsen and others lias
been to clear up several points in
what was among the Romans a mat
ter of great consequence, viz: the po- 1
sition of the middleman iu affairs of
business. There was not among the ;
Romans the same extensive (system of
shops as with us, supplying every
possible article of necessity or luxury,
and for this reason there arose innu
merable occasions of private persons
desiring to dispose of this or that ar
ticle, as for instance, a surplus of ap :
ricultural produce, old carts, ploughs,
or even old and invalid slaves, as Cato
recommends the land-owner to do.
The tablets iu question are dated, ac
cording to custom, by giving the
names of the consuls for the year.
The greater part of the dates fall be- j
tween A. D. 53-62. A few are as early
as 15 and 27. Since there is no more
recent date than 62, it becomes high
ly probable that tho tablets of Jucun
dus had been overwhelmed in the
earlier eruption of Vesuvius. The
majority of the tablets are triptychs,
and are written partly with letter on
wax, spread on the tablet, and partly
in ink on the bare wood. Among
them there is only one which gives
tho amount of commission which he
received, and that proves to bo 2 per
cent., which is known from other
sources to have been the general rate.
Usually he merely says “minus the
commission.” The person on whom
this expense fell was the buyer.—
London Times.
Virtue for Virtue’s Sard.— There
is a tremendous work in time to be
done by each one. The ruling of
one’s own injustice and pietyjis the
first tiling, and, if that is well done,
much else that ought to be done will
naturally flow out of it. We must be
honest; not because it is the “best
policy,” but because it is wrong to be
dishonest. We must be pure, not
because impurity is a social danger, a
destroyer of health and character,
but because it is a vice hateful to
God and destructive, not only of our
own soul, but souls of others; we
must be charitable, not because it
may happen to be easy to give a little
hero and there, but wisely, as to our
own brethren for God’s sake. In a
word our lives must be supernatural,
and it needs no letters to make them
so. Faith is wiser than philosophies,
tho love of (<od more inspiring than
eloquence, and the religion of Christ,
the book of the cross, more instruct
ing and enlightening than all letters.
Justice Bit.vnr.EY is said to be ft great
linguist. A western paragraphist as
serts that, he converses freely in a
dozen living languages, and is fumil
iar with an equal number of dead
tongues.
VOL. JV. NO. 1.
A woman named Marie Oelvet was
recently sentenced to twenty years of
bard labor for the murder of her sis
ter Julia in Paris. While the trial
was going on she constantly wore a
long crape veil. “Why do you wear
this veil ?” asked ono of the officials.
To which the sweet girl gently re
adied: "lam in mourning for my
poor sister!” This fairly matches
the French puricide who, on being
asked what he had to sav after his
[condemnation for killing his father
I and mother, entreated the court, to
“have mercy on a poor orphan!”
“I have fully resolved,” ho said at
the breakfast table, “not to touch a
| single drop of the Old Thing
year, so help me gracious.” His wife
, looked pleased, and all his friends
| congratulated him when they heard
of tho new departure. When he
went home at 11 o’clock he was hur
rahing for General Jackson, and call
ing on the Louisiana returning board
to throw him out if he ever touched a
drop of tlm Old Thing iu liis life. Sub
sequent developments revealed tho
fact that the Old Thing was water.
Servant: "I suppose, ma’am, I shall
not wait on the table?” Lady: “Oh,
no! 1 want a housemaid.” Serv
ant: “I suppose, ma'am, I shall not
have to make the beds?” Lady (sur
prised, but composedly): “Certainly
not.” Servant (thinking the place
will suit): “And I suppose, ma’am, I
shall not be expected to answer the
door?” Lady: “Of course not. The
fact is, I want a servant to look at!
but I don’t think you will suit!”
A venerable divine, who had been
dining out the night before, went into
a barber’s shop one morning to bri
shaved, lie saw that the barber had
been getting more drink than was
good for him, for it made his hand
shake very much, and naturally in
dignant, he began to give him a little
moral advice, saying: “Bad thing,
drink.” “Yes,” said tho barber, “it
makes tho skin remarkably tender.”
Spanish robbers are proverbially po
lite. An Englishman was once, ac
costed on a lonely road by a ruffian,
“Sir, you lav my coat on; may I
trouble ymi for it The English
man drew a pistol, wud told the fel
low he was mistaken. '‘Sir,'’ said
the robber, “I perceive that I am.
Will you do me the honor to commu
nicate your name, that I may remem
ber it in my prayers ? ’
Tumi: is something l-.-fi-oshicg iu
the absolute astonishment that visitors
to a printing office sometimes display
at the commonest thing. “What is
that black looking thing standing u
in that corner?” is sometimes aSksd
by an unsophisticated observer, and
the nearest typo answers: “That is
the printing office towel. Wo always
stand it up in that corner.”
It is said to be satisfactorily demon
strated that every time a wife scolds
her husband she adds a wrinkle to
her face. It is thought that the an
nouncement of this fact will have a
most salutary effect, especially as it is
understood that every time a wild
smiles on her husband it will remove
one of the okl wrinkles.
A bumpkin, once dining with thd
Governor of Rhode Island, where
part of tho entertainment consisted of
champagne and preserved limes, was
asked by bis host, at the conclusion,
how lie liked liis dinner. He replied:
“Well, Guvnor, your cider is very
good, but darn your pickles 1”
A Cincinnati judge, who had be
come perfectly reckless in the dis
charge of his police court duties;
concluded a marriage ceremony, re
cently, with the encouraging remark
to the happy couple: “You will stand
committed until the lino aud costs
arts paid.”
A certain editor, soon after be be
gan to learn the printing business,
fell in love with a preacher’s daughter.
The next time he attended meeting
he was rather taken down at hearing
the preacher announce: “My daugh
ter is grievously tormented with a
devil 1”
Ax inquisitive young man visited
the State prsion, and, among other
questions, asked a girl the cause of
her being in such a place. Her an l
swer was that she “stole a water-mill,
and went bad! after the stream that
turned the mill, aud was arrested.”
A lady who asserts that her opin
ion is based upon a close observance;
says that men as a rule, regard their
wives as angels for just two months
a month before marrying her; and a
month after burying her.
“Captain,” said a son of Erin, as it
ship was nearing the coast in inclem
ent weather, “have ye an almonik on
board?" “No, I haven’t;” “Then,
he jaoers, we shall have to take tho
weather as it comes.”
"Eternity, past, and future flashed
before my eyes,” he said, “and I saw
where the crack of doom began and
ended.” This was his experience tho
first timo a base ball struck him iu
the stomach.
“Don’t call on me for three days,”
is what a Columbus girl posted oil
the front gate, and she further added:
“I’m going to cat some onions thifi
week, if I never have another beau.”
Peusons with corns must be careful
and not sit under the blue grass rays,
for they make all vegetables grow
prodigiously. Tho saiuo applies to
those with b-unionS.
What a silent old world it would be
jif men talked only as much as they
j think. A fellow would have to carry
j a rattle around with him to make a
noire with.