Newspaper Page Text
POO
FostOfTic* orders from nil portions of
tlo country vill secure a supply of
BOXKOCIXn, the only safe, quick anl
positive euro for acuta and cUronlo
Gonorrhoea at id (itaot ever used, ('urea
effected under five day*, requiring no
Infernal remedies, no change of diet,
nr loss of time. Its acliuu destroys and
antagonizes every atom of venereal
poison with which it edmee Ift ton*
tact, and is hsntlea ♦* healthy parts
POO
A order for $4.00 will buy ,
three bottle* t DOS KOCIN'E, the only
harmlest Vegetable compound ever
vdVr* v d whit h positively cures and pre
vents the contagion of arv and all ve
nereal diseases.
The constant, persevering and uni
versal u>e of tills re:.- n!y would effect
ually v.ipe out all venereal diseases
from the face of the earth. G. and G.
can neither l>e contracted nor exist
when it is used, Vtecnuse it destroys by
/ mere c<>mnct. It allays all puin, sub
due. ih • l; •’nmmatiou and promotes
quiet slumbers.
POO
A well known railroader writes as
follows;
Atlanta, Fto'y 21,1888.
TVntkocinc* Early in January I
eomfficn 1 the use of BON' KOCINK
for a l>ad ease of G. which had baffled
the kill and inedioineg of five physi
cian and three bottles cured mo sound
and well. I lost no time, used no other
remedy and did not change my diet.
It Is a blesving to those whose paths are
not bright"
Discard all capsules, copabia, etc.,and
uso that whi h never f .Is, and will
k<s'p you cured for life by acting ns a
preventive.
One bottlosl.V>. or threw for SUXX
Po’d by druggists. Expressed on re
ceipt of price.
BONKomns ro.,
78)4 Whitehall street,
Atlanta Ua.
F r a e in 8n iiu -rvii e oy
£ S, CL 1 OIIOKN & CO.
’ ISgll
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Nerve-Life and Vigos
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>—• This cut f bows the
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§2 Magnetic Shield
sr-2 88 a PPl* r( i o v *r the Kid
j j ' tnH*' neysaml Nervo-t I* j\
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Lta every purr o
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f 1 ia t 1 re-iT VEI.Y f I
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AllSf Seminal Weak
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[Patented Feb. 25, 1879.]
YOUNG MEN. from early indiscretion, Ley
nerve force and fall to attain strength.
MIDDLE AGED MEN often lack vigor, attribut
ing it to the progress of years.
The MOTHER. WIFE and MAID, siiffernpfroti
Female Weakness, Nervoua Debility and other nil
menu, will find It the only cure.
To one and all we say that the Shield gives a na
ural aid in a natural way
WITHOUT DRUGGING THE STOMACH.
Warranted One Year, and tli- be*
appliance made.
Illustrated Pamphlet,THßEE TYPES OF MEN
also Pamphlet for Ladies only, sent on receipt o
6c. sealed; unsealed, FREE.
American Galvanic Cos.
OFFICE jllf)3 Client nut St., PhlJa.
ass— ■■■"■."grawagv"'
Don’t Go There.—Senator Nichols
of the New Jersey Legislative Printing
Committee reported adversely the reso
lution of a Senator looking to the doing
of the State printing by convict labor.
The report B*ys : “Statistics prove that
there are few printers ever incarcerated
in the State prison. The men who fol
low the printers’ trade are, as a rule, men
or intelligence and ability.” The
Senator who introduced the resolution
no doubt did it by way of a joke, never
dreaming that it would be taken up
seriously. It raised quite a hornet’s
uest about his ears, however, and he
will think twice before perpetrating
another such “joke.”
dI)C (Dojcttc.
VO XI.
DREAM WHILE YOU MAY.
While the moonbeams bright are peeping
T)trough the iVJr-curtained pane
15v their mellow radiance steeping
Every object in the lane
With a silvery gray.
Dream on, darling? While thouVt sleeping,
Angels pure and bright
Around your cot their watch are keeping
Through the silent night;
Then dream on while you may.
Ah ! too soon will come the waking
From the dreams of childhood's days ;
Clouds the fair horizon breaking
Soon will meet thy youthful gare
As you weml life’s way.
Soon thy heart will feel the aching
That no joy (*an kill or calm ;
Cherished ho] ea their leave lx* taking,
Hopes that never could bring balm,
Then dream on while you mav.
Soon the hours of childhood flying,
From your transient dreams you’ll wake.
And the sound of sobs and sighing
On your youthful years will break,
As from day to day
You will try—but vain the trying—
To find that bliss no one can know;
For grief is living, joy is dymg,
In this weary world of wo, .
Then dream on whili *n m v.
Justin M Cautht
TOO LATE.'
“Ib there a letter for me to-day ?”
What a pale face, and, withal, what a
pretty one ! Pretty, although the bright
eyes were languid and had lost their
sparkle; pretty, though there were
wrinkles in the white forehead—wrinkles
not wrought by time, but stamped there
by grief and sorrow.
Grief and sorrow, I said. Still, it
would be more correct to say that hope
and patient waiting had made pretty
Alice Werder old, although not more than
twenty summers hail passed over her in
nocent head.
“Is there a letter for me to-day?”
A dark flush overspread the pale fore
head and blanched features, a sudden
brightness came into the drooping eyes,
and they l>eoame suffused with tears.
What a tremor passed through the wasted
form ! How the weak 'Wti a trembled
between hope and deepa ' ®
The old postmaster took np a packet
of letters and slowly looked them over,
as he always did when Alioo asked this
question. Ho well know there wss no
letter for her, but it was so hard to say
the little word that would send her away
with an added weight of disappointment.
For six months paHt she bail come, day
after day, in sunshine and storm, always
with the same question on her lips, and
always receiving the same negative reply.
“Is there a letter for me to-day ?”
Poor Alice Werder 1 When, two years
before, the vivacious and scheming Hugo
Werder led her to the altar, the people
said the young ne’er-do-well was only
after her money, and when he had secured
that he would neglect the sweet, trusting
girl, and would live merely for his own
pleasure.
Hugo Werder was poor—Alice, an or
phan and comparatively wealthy. Hugo,
after their marriage, allowed himself to
!>e drawn into unfortunate speculations
and lost everything; but his hopeful
little wife only said:
“Never mind, Hugo, be oomforted; wo
will come through all right. Why, you
know we can work.” And she kissed
him and smiled as happily as she hail
done a year before, when, with joyful
countenance, she said: “Hugo, I am
yours. ”
But poverty is hitter, and the sudno
tive cry of “gold ! gold I” came from the
far-off shores of Americoj-from the mines
of California, and thither Hugo repaired.
Every one said he would desert his
young wife and child. All agreed that
whatever he might do he was at heart a
villain. Everybody said this, and every
body believed it, save Alice. She alone
discountenanced the dark predictions so
freely made against Hugo; she alone dis
believed the calumny heaped upon him
from all sides.
Alice slowly, despondently, turned her
bock upon the post office. But this was
nothing new; a hnndred times she had
gone away from the place with the same
expression of deep despair on her pale,
sorrowful face. Poor Alioe! She was
so weak and tired. But what mattered
that ? Who cared for her ?
* • ♦ . *
“Are yon writing home ?’’ asked Rich
ard Sommer.
Hngo Werder yawned, wiped his pen
and slowly answered, “Yes.”
“To your precious little wife, I sup
pose?”
“Yes.”
“How often have yon written that
faithful little one sinoe you are here ?”
Hugo was startled at this sudden ques
tion, and as he hnng his head a crimson
blush came into his face, and he falter
ingly replied :
“I am ashamed to acknowledge that
this is—the first time.”
“The first time 1” cried his astounded
companion. “The first time I This is
shameful, inexcusable in yon 1”
“I would not have confessed ft to any
one but yon,” answered Werder. “I
will tell yon how it came to be so : When
I first came here I had so much to do,
and I have a dislike for letter-writing, so
I put it off from day to day, week
after week, until I was really ashamed to
write without sending something with
the letter, for yon know she had not al
ways the money to pay the baker and
the butcher/'
SUMMERVILLE, GEORGIA, WEDNESDAY EVENING, MARCH ID, 1884
“But did Jbh not at a single stroke
malm *2.000?' „ _
“Yea, yes, I know it well. I am
a wretch ! As you say, I had §'2,000, hut
in one night it was all gone aguiu. I in
tended writing Alice the day after my
success, but that night I passed a gam
bling-house. I turned back anil entered
it. I drank, played, lost, and was again
beggared. Should I have written her an
empty letter then, after having spent six
months without sending her a single
dollar? So I have waited and waited
till now. But when she gets this letter
she will be §IOO richer, poor little girl,
and then she will forgive all my neglect,
I know that well, beforehand.”
“She should forgive yon nothing,
Hngo,” said his companion.
“Ah, yes 1 I deserve no forgiveness,
but Alioe is a dear, loving little darling,
and so true, that I know she will over
look all my shortcomings."
V * , * • * *
“Mrs. Alioo Werder.” The postmark
was California, and the address was in
Hugo’s well-kuown handwriting. Was
it possible I
The little postmaster read and re-read
the superscription. Surely there was no
mistake. The letter had come at last I
“Oh, how glad she will be 1 How her
tender eves will sparkle I It is worth
money to be able to give her this letter,”
said the old postmaster to his wife.
“Poor child 1”
‘’Poor child, indeed,” repeated tho
wife, as she caught the stitch she had
dropped. “I am getting so blind,” was
her murmured explanation.
But I should not wonder if heartfelt
tears hail caused the sudden “blindness"
of the good, sympathizing old soul.
“I cannot imagine why she does not
come to-day,” remarked the little old
man, when the afternoon had slowly
passed and evening was setting in
“Take the letter to her, Sophie. Poor
thing, perhaps her ohild is too sick for
her to leave it.”
"My rheumatism makes it so hard for
me to go out. I will take care of
things here, and go you—it is but a few
steps to her house.”
“Well, then, when I have closed the
postoffioe, if she docs not oome before,
I will go,” was the old man’s answer.
“Go rather at once,” continued his
wife. “The thought of tho poor, young
thing makes bjo sorrowful. How strange
she looked vesterdav when she asked
if yon were sure tlioro was no letter foi
her, and when you naked about her child
how strangely she answered: ‘lt is not
very well to-day, but I guess it will be
better to-morrow,’ and how sadly she
laid her hand ujxm her heart, as though
it hurt her there.”
“Yes, yes; poor thing I” was the old
man’s oulv re!v.
Rap 1 Rap ! Rap !
The wind softly fluttered tho dewy
leaves of the hushes about the little
home ; the stars came out in the blue
heavens; the moon looked down with
a pale, calm, gloomy fane upon the
little old postmaster as he stood silently
waiting at Alice Werder’s door.
Rap ! rap 1 rap 1 But still uo answer
came.
"Surely she cannot yet be sleeping,”
thought the old man.
But ah, Alice was sleeping. Heaven
had called her—those who sleep as she
slept never awake again on earth. This
life was too hard for her. Ah, Alice,
with your dead child on your breast—
ah, Alice, could yon but have hoped a
single day longer I
*******
“A letter for me?” was the question
of Hugo Werder.
“A strange hand-writing. Hr.) my
own letter and two locks of light, silkeD
hair 1 What does this signify ?”
Hugo Werder’s face grew deathly
white, and his hand trembled, as with
the palsy, as he read this letter, written
in the unsteady hand of the old post
master:
“Inclosed is returned yonr letter. It
came too late—they are both dead.
May Heaven forgive yon ; yonr neglect
has killed them. Hero is a lock of your
wife’s hair and one of her child’s. They
Ixith sleep in one grave. Again, may
Heaven forgive you. Ah, had yonr let
ter come one day sooner, or had Alice
honed for one day more 1”
A Case of Contempt.
Senator Vance tells this story: “When
Judge Tourgee was on the bench in
North Carolina, an old chum of his was
brought before him on some trifling
charge. Daring the trial the prisoner
said something that highly displeased
his honor. “Do you mean,” sternly
said the Judge, “to bring this court into
contempt?” The prisoner smiled and
said: “Judge, you have known me for
many years, and we have been friends,
haven’t we?” "That is a fact,” said tho
Judge. "You would do me a favor
within reason, even now, would you
not?” “Very likely,” responded his
Honor, all graciousness and good humor,
“but what is it?” “Well, retorted the
scamp, “do not press me too hard on
the point of contempt this morning I”
“Miss Gimps,” said a Fort Wayne
lady to another during a recent call,
"why don’t you join the Daughters of
Temperance?” “Cause.” “Cause why?’
“Why—why—” was the blushing re
ply, “I intend to join one of the sons in
a month.
CAPTAIN MARY MILLER.
MilK “II ANDI.FN A BOAT AM WKI.D AM
ANY MAN ON Till: ItlVKlt.'’
AYliut A l.nitv Si lion I Cnplnlu liiin tc
Ma) ol llcr I'|'uli*mluii<
Mrs, Miller, the Now Orleans female
steamboat captain, is a trim, bonny lit
tle woman, whom nobody would credit
with years enough to be the mother, as
she is,of a family of four children, two of
whom ate almost grown.
“I come of a steamboat family,” said
the lady; “my father was a steamhout
man, and after I married Japtain Miller
that was seventeen years ago—l of
course spent much of my time on tho
river. Wo have a beautiful home at
Louisville, und my little ones are all
there lion', but for the past four years I
have been living mainly on a boat. My
husband used to do nothing hut pilot,
and I spent niuoli of my tiino in the
pilot house and learned to manago a boat
and how to navigate certain rivers, in
spite of myself.
“I learned to haudol a boat os well ns
any man on tho river, and several years
ago I hail occasion to lest my ability.
Once my husband fell ill with fever and
we had a ran of half a hundred miles to
make, with several landings, in a very
crooked bayou. I took the boat’s wheel
and got through all right, although yon
would have laughed over tho amaze
ment of tho natives to see a woman'
piloting. Several years ago we had to go
and takeoff loaded barges from a boat
stuck ou a sandbar at>ove Cairo. My hus
band linil to leave our boat and remain
ou the other, which was ’caking badly,
and so I took the deck, hail the barges
mndo fast to us, turned tho boat around
nd oarned her down to Cairo. Captain
Counts! said then I had as good a right
to a captain’s license ns any man on tho
river.
“I manage all the money matters.
When we are up in the parishes I buy
and load the boat with cottonseed, whieli
I buy after inspecting samples, and
bring to New Orleans and sell out to
merchants. We carry other freight, of
course, and I buy all the boat’s provis
ions, and provisions also to sell to the
plantation hands up in the country.
Then I do all the collecting and hank
ing business. At first the merchants
thought it odd to seo a woman come in
collecting, but I have never yet been
treated with anything but courtesy and
kindness; and, besides, they never hal
loo out to me to ‘call again,’ as they
might to a man.
“I shall keep on just as I am moving,
except that 1 shall lie oftener ou deck
and looking after the boat when Bhe
lands and puts freight off or on. I
wanted a license because I hod earned it
and wished to undertake when neces
sary the free duties of a steamboat cap
tain.
“Yon must not think my life has been
eventful. We have never had any acci
dents happen to ns since wo have been
n the river, and I am not afraid of any.
Ours is a thousand-mile trip, and I sow,
read, write to the children, make out
bills, and tako the deck when necessary.
Not many boats take onr route. It is
through a beautiful hilly country, and
the people we meet at landings all know
me. Most of them call me Captain Mil
ler, already.
“Bteamboating was forced on me, and
the happiest thing it has taught me is
that whatever a man may learn to do, a
woman may also, provided it iH not a
question of muscle.”
flow They Met Mr. Lincoln.
On the Fourth of July, 1861, four of
the young fellows of Company E, Third
Michigan infantry, of whom I was one,
were strolling np the Potomac river road
when we met a large cab driving toward
the city. Two colored men sat on the
driver’s seat, in suits of dark blue with
large plain brass buttons and ping hats.
One of tho boys remarked: “ They think
they are some, don’t they ? Let’s have
some fun with them.” All agreed, and
as they came np we kept the road. So
did they. Tho team came to a halt and
a voice from the cab said: “What’s
wanted ?” and when wo looked that way
their was a silver-haired man looking out
the door. We told him we wanted to
take a ride with him to Washington to
see Old Abe. Thereupon he stepped out
of the carriage, saying: “Didn’t you
ever see him ?’’ and was followed by an
other man, and then another, until four
men stood in front of us boys. I had
only noticed that they were fine-looking
men, when the first one said: “Soldiers,
I introduce you to the President of the
United States; also tho Hon. E. M.
Stanton, secretary of war; the Hon.
Wm. Seward, and myself, tho Hon.
Gideon Welles.” The President stepped
forward, shook hands with us and
laughed at the joke; hut our situation
was beyond the laughing point, and
soon there were four silly-looking fel
lows going for camp at quick-step gate.
A yottno lady while visiting at Jack
sonville, Florida, painted a plaque,
which, she remarked to a friend, she
would have to send to Boston to be
“fired,” as there was no place in the
vicinity of Jacksonville where such
work could be done. Said the gentle
man friend: “If you think there isn’t
any place for firing china in this town,
you’d better take a look at Henry Park
er’s back yard.”
For Hie Relief of Shipping.
The Senate Committee on Commerce
authorized Senator Frye to report to the
Senate for passage a uew bill for the re
lief of American shipping. This meas
ure has been prepared by the committee
as a substitute for all the various bills
heretofore referred to it on the same
general subject. Its main features are
as follows:
It giants authority, under certain cir
cumstances, for American vessels to em
ploy uny officer, other than a captain, of
foreign birth. Tho prohibition of the
payment of advance wages under heavy
penalties is extended to foreign os well
as American vessels. A modification is
made of tho law respecting three months’
extra wages, repealing it in certain easei
and in others limiting it to one me nth
Sections 4,585, 4,586 and 4,587 Ro rise i
Statutes, relating to the assessment and
collection of a hospital tax for the ser
mon, are to be repealed, and in their
place it is provided that hereafter the
uiarino hospitals shall bo maintained at
the expense of the United States.
The bill further provides that all arti
cles of foreign production may be with
drawn from bonded warehouses for the
supply of vessels engaged in foreign
trade, including trade between the At
lantic and the Pacific ports of the Uni
ted States, free of duty.
A drawback of ninety per cent, is al
lowed on imported materials used in the
construction of vessels built in this
country for foreign aceonnt, whether
such vossels nre built wholly or only in
part of foreign materials.
Under existing Inw the drawback is
applicable only to vessels built entirely
of foreign materials.
Tho individual liability of a shipowner
is to be limited to the proportion of auy
debts or liabilities that his individual
share of the vessol bears to the whole,
and the aggregate liabilities of all the
owners of a vessel shall not exceed the
value of such vessel and pending freight.
A Veteran Ship Captain.
Capt. Leonard D. Shaw, one of the
olil-timo American ship commanders,
died in New York a lew' days ago.
Capt. Shaw was born in Portland,
Me., on Jan. ‘2O, 1804. Uo was on the
United States ship Enterprise in her bat
tle with the British sloop-of-war Boxer,
and was for years noted as a most prom
inent American ship captain. One of
the Captain’s peculiarities was that, in
deference to his wife’s religious views,
he would never sail out of port on Sun
day. During the fifties he was once
strongly tempted to break this rule,
there boiug two other vessels bound to
the same port in Cuba that ho was
chartered for. Ho yielded to his wife,
however. His vessel was the only one
of the three that reached port. The other
two were caught in a cyclone, the edge
of which only served to help him on his
way, while tho centre swallowed the
other two. He was, nevertheless,
wrecked several times. Once, when
bound home from Maracaibo, liis vessel
foundered. As she was going down the
crew got tho long boat over the side and
began to lower a barrel of water into it.
The tackle gave way and the barrel went
through the bottom of tho boat. A raft
was hastily constructed, but when this
was done tho hull was so full of water
that no provisions could be hoisted out.
Capt. Hhaw dived down into the galley,
however, and brought out a four-pound
piece of pork. With this the orew, soon
in all, embarked. In three days three
died of exhaustion and one leaped over
board, being crazed by his sufferings.
Tho survivors were picked up next day
by a schooner that carried several can
nons and a large crow heavily ai med.
Tho Captain of the schooner mad-.) the
survivors take an oath that they would
not give any information about the ves
sel that saved them, and landed them
on the south coast of Ouba. This was
in 1841.
Examining a Bank.
The Manchester (N. H.) Union tells a
very interesting story of a bright little
girl of 7, who walked into tho Morrimac
savings bank and asked, with what
seemed to be childish curiosity, to see
the bank. The treasurer, with com
mendable kindness of heart, asked her
to step behind the counter, and showed
her all the money, including that in the
vault. Hnddenly Bhe stopped, and look
ing tip into the treasurer’s face, said :
"Well, I believe it’s all right.” “What
is all right?” queried the official.
“Why, the bank is all right,” she said,
and then continued: “Mr. Bank man,
my name is Amy Bell, and my papa put
§5 into this savings hank for me the
other day, and I wanted to see what kind
of a place it was. I never was in a bank
before.” The gentleman assured her
that the money was safe, and after ask
ing a few childish questions she departed,
feeling settled in her young mind con
cerning the custody of her money.
What is quite as interesting as tin-story
is the notion the Union seems to have
that the examination which the little
girl made was a childish proceeding.
Everybody nt all familiar with the his
tory of bank failures in New England
and elsewhere will see at a glance that
the child’s examination w* of precisely
the same searching and exhaustive char
acter as that which directors and bank
examiners make.
NO. D.
QUAKER CITY RUMOR.
A l i:\V TIIINdH 4< <:|IM:!NTAI.I.V ovi i{.
llKAltl* BY THK “HVISNIBU 1A1.1..”
FATIttOTIMM.
Ethel- “Isn’t this funny?”
Mabel—-" What, dear ?’’
Ethel—“ This in the paper about kiss
iug.”
Mabel “I did not see it.
Ethel— “Why, Dr. Deems says that
kissing is ‘a purely American habit.’”
“Mabel- “Oh I how glorious it is to
lie born an American."
IIK ITAD KNOTTOH.
“How much are them a quart? a
countrymau asked as he picked up a
strawberry from in front of a fruit store
on Chestnut street and swallowed it.
“Fifty cents a piece.”
"What?” shouted the countrymen.
“Fifty cents a piece. Try another;
they’re nioe and fresh.”
“No" he replied, as he handed over
half a dollar, “I’ve had all tho straw
berries I want.”
BATHKR TOO YOUNO.
“Papa,” said a little boy at breakfast,
“yesterday, at school, the teacher read
something from a hook called ‘The Au
tocrat at the Breakfast Table.’ What
does it mean ?”
“Yon nre rather too young yet, my
son,” replied tho old man, as ho helped
himself to the top buckwheat cake and
smothered it with the cream intended
for his wife's coffee, “to understand such
matters.”
A STHANGK AUUEST.
“You say the officer arrested you
while you were quietly minding your
own business ?”
“Yes, your honor. He caught me
suddenly by the coat collar and threat
ened to strike me with his club unless I
accompanied him to the station house.’’
“You were quietly attending to yonr
own business; making no noise or dis
turbance of any kind?”
“None whatever, sir.”
“It seems very strange. What is
your business?"
“I’m a burglar.”
NOTHING ItKMAKKABT.E.
Mr. D. (reading)—?‘A single mahog
any tree has been known to bring $5,000
when cut np into veneers.”
Mrs. I).—“What of it?”
Mr. I).—“What of it? Do you not
think that fact very remarkable?”
Mrs. D.—“No; it is nothing extraor
dinary. Wo have done better than that
with much less material.”
Mr. D.—“ How do you mean ?”
Mrs, D.—“ You remember our last
church festival ?”
Mr. D.—“ Yes."
Mrs. D.—“ Well, a single oystor
brought us in §6.000.”
A REMEDY.
Mrs. Hcautdiet (hoarding - house
keeper)—“You do not look very well,
Mr. Blirn; i am afraid yon keep too late
hours.”
Mr. Hlim (boarder) —“I was out a
little late last night, but usually am in
pretty early.”
Mrs. Hcautdiet—“You ought to tako a
tonic of some kind, Here, for instance,
is au advertisement of Dr. Cure-All's
bitters, said to be a remedy for the
‘tired, sinking, empty feeling’ that
some people experience. Do you ever
have that ?”
Mr. Slim—“ Yes, three times a day—
fter every meal.”
A HUMANE AOT.
Western Railroad Superintendent— “1
want you to get np some sort of signal
arrangement so that brakemen on
freight trains will be warned of tho near
ness of cross-track bridges In time to
duck their heads.”
Assistant—“ You moan the bridges
which carry the wagon roads over our
track, of course. ”
Superintendent—“ Certainly. ”
Assistant—“lt is very humane of you
to take such a step, as it will save the
lives of many brakemen."
Superintendent—“To tell the truth, I
was not looking at tho matter in just that
light. You know the law compels us to
build those bridges ourselves to avoid
crossing at grade, anil we run them up
just, as cheap as possible.”
Assistant—“ Yes. ”
Superintendent—“ Well, I don’t want
those bridges knocked over.”
NO SENSE OF IIUMOIi.
. A gentleman in a street car, While
reading a newspaper, discovered a par
agraph that struck him as particularly
funny.
“Here is something good,” lie said to
liis neighbor, and he rend the ilini to
him.
A tired look swept over the genlle
man’sfaco, but he m ver smiled.
Presently the reader came, across
another paragraph that tickled his fancy.
“I will try him witli this one,” he
said.
lie did so, and a tear actually welled
out of his neighbor’s eye and coursed
slowly down his cheek.
“Heavens, man I” was the exclama
tion, ‘“what’s the matter with you? Have
you no sense of humor? What, do you
do to pass away the time, anyway ?”
Looking mournfully out of the window
ths stranger replied:
“I am a proofreader ou a comic
weekly,”
WHY nB JUMPED.
Mys. D.—“ What a wonderfnl jumper
tho puma is I”
Mr. D.—“ What have you found
now?”
Mrs, D.—“ Hero is an item which says
that ‘a puma in tho Blue mountains re
cently jumped 40 feet.’”
Mr. D.—“ Poor follow 1 I can sympa
thize with him.”
Mrs. D.—“ How is that?”
Mr. D. —“Most likely the luckless
nnimal was searching for paregorio in
tho dark and stepped on a tack,”
BUSINESS nmsK.
Customer—“ Business is brightening
up some, isn't it?”
Jobber in Brooms—“I should say so.
Hold ‘20,000 brooms this week.”
Customer—“ Where did they goto?
Jobber—“ All over tho oountry. We
got orders from everywhere. One small
town bought 2,000 for its street-cleaners. ”
Customer—“ Did you sell auy to tho
Philadelphia Highway Department?”
Jobber—“Oh, yes, one; and they
promised to call next year and buy
another.”
would not no.
First Railroad Man—“ What do you
think of tho now patent ‘railroad tattler,’
which registers t,iio speed of trains ?”
Second Railroad Man—“l have had
some experience with it, and think it
may do for through express trains.”
First R. M.—“ Have yon tried it on
accommodation trains ?”
Second R. M.—“ Yes, lint it did not
give satisfaction. Long before we
reached tho end of the first trip the ap
paratus ceased registering.”
First R. M.—“lndeed 1 What stopped
it from working?”
Second R. M.—“ Rust.”
TUE MEANS.
“See hero, sir,” said a philanthropist
to a seody-looking tramp, “this is the
third time you have asked for help this
week, ”
“I know it. ”
“There is no need of any ono getting
so low down as you seem to have reached.
I was careful early in life to keep some
thing laid by for a rainy day. I don’t
seo why other people can’t do tho same
thing and live within their means.”
“It is easy enough to advise people to
live within fheir means, replied the
tramp, “lint the trouble is to find the
means to live within. That s what lam
after now.”
no got another dollar.
A TTPOORArmOAL MISTAKE.
"Yes,” said a shabby dressed man,
“printers sometimes mnke very bad
blunders. It is to a typographical mis
take that, I owe my present condition of
poverty.”
“How can that ho?” ho was asked.
“It was some years ago,” he replied.
“I had just embarked in tho patent med
icine business, having discovered a won
derful remedy for general debility and
that sort of thing. I caused an adver
tisement to be inserted in a leading daily
paper, with tho customary pictures ‘be
fore and after taking,’ but I never sold
a bottle of the medicine, and in two
weeks from the date of tho first adver
tisement the wholo business was in the
hands of the sheriff.”
“Well, what had a typographical error
to do with your failure?”
“The printer got the words ‘before’
und ‘after’ transposed, mid I didn’t no
tice the mistake.”
WHAT HE DIED OF.
Jones—“l seo it stated that a well
known Philadelphia business man died
suddenly in a street car the other night
of alcoholism.”
Bmith—“You probably saw that in
some New York paper. Those New
Yorkers are always starting up some
libel or other on Philadelphia.”
Jones —“Then it is not true?”
Bmith—“l should say not. It is a
mean, despicable Hlandcr. The man was
a friend of mine, and although not a
teetotaler, lie was never considered a
hard drinker.”
Jones —“Did he die in a street car?”
Smith —“Well, yes; I admit that he
did."
.Tones—“Then what did he ilio of?”
Smith—“ Don’t know. Froze to
death, probably.”
A Publisher’s Experience.
Tt is an experience of publishers that
ton many people are apt to think it mat
ters lint little whether tho newspaper bill
s paid promptly or not, that it is a small
sum and is of but little consequence.
This is not because subscribers are un
willing to pay, but rather because they
are negligent, Each one imagines be
calm liis year’s indebtedness amounts
to so small a sum tho publisher cannot
he much in want of it, without for a
moment thinking that the income of a
newspaper is made up of just such small
amounts, and that the aggregate of all
subscriptions is by no means inconsider
able sums of money, without which pnb
lisliers could not continue to issue their
pupi l'. The proper way is to always pay
in advance — <ll.rnx Falls Republican.
After the Plumber Again.
Someone pretends to have found a
plumber’s bill which ran thus: “Fixing
up Smith’s bursted pipes, to wit: Go
ing to see tho job, §1; coming back for
tools anil help, §2: finding the leak,
§1.50; sending for more help, §1.25;
going back for solder forgotten, §1.50;
bringing the solder, §1; burned my fin
ger, §2; lost my tobacco, 50 cents; get
ting to work, $8; getting my assistants to
work, $2.50; fixing tho pipe, 25 cents;
going home, §2.50; time, solder, wear
and tear on tools, overalls, and othei
olothing, §6; total, §24.00.”
American workingmen will bb some
what surprised to learn that the mem
bers of the French deputation of work
men recently here are telling their fellow
countrymen that our laboring classes
work harder and have fewer comforts
and less liberty than those of France,