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VOL. XI.
* PURE *
•&XE/)
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On a Mississippi Steamer.
Nnsby xvrites: “The captain of a
steamer is always a large-bodied man,
and to be representative should have
immense legs, slightly bowed. His name
should always bo Thomas, so that his
familiars may address him as Cap’n
Tom. He must havo a florid face, must
be liberally endowed in the way of gen
eral profanity in all matters hi which
tho crew are concerned, but must lie
urbane, polite and gentlemanly, even
courtly, especially when in tho presence
of ladies. His politeness, boxvever, must
be dashed with a rough and ready gruff
ness, as liecomes ono who has all sorts
of weather to go through, and whoso life
is spent over high-pressure boilers and
is alxvays threatened by snags, sawyers
and other perils. Ho must ho a com
pound of urbanity and strictness. When
3ii duty he must lie entirely unapproach
able by any one, but xvhen everything is
right, and ho saunters into tho cabin, he
must he the most delightfully rough old
fellow in the world. However, even in
his moments of relaxation he must pre
serve his dignity, as becomes one upon
whose shoulders rests tho cares of an
empire. His boat is an empire if it be a
small one. The mate must be a very
stout, sturdy, red-faced man, whose
principal business is to threaten tho ne
gro roustabouts on shoro, and deck
hands when on the water, xvith a stout
stick, and swear at them as often and as
vigorously as possible. In the matter
of profanity he is equalled by few and
excelled by none. No matter how well
the negroes xvork, thore is a running
stream of abjurgations at their slowness
and laziness ; no matter how skillfully
‘.hey roll or lift the freight, it is never
lone quickly or well enough, and their
eyes and souls are being perpetually con
liguod to the place of torment especially
reserved for the wicked.”
Hie Monroe Doctrine.
Mr. Gladstone is I. iicved to have con
fributed to the Fortnightly Lte.view an
article on the relations of the Poxvers, in
which he reviews favorably the foreign
policy of America. He is even alleged
co have recommended the study, and, in
deed, tho reproduction in the English
conduct of foreign affairs, of certain of
our methods. The American policy con
sists mainly in the prosecution of the
Monroe dootrine, by means of which aud
in consequence of our isolated position
we have at least kept out of serious for
igu complications. Almost every Eu
:opean Power has been at war during
;he past half century, and the political
itmosphere of the Continent is nearly
Always disturbed and threatening. It,
theiefore, is not surprising that England,
for instance, should feel inclined to
‘call a halt” while she investigates the
muses of the peaceful relations sustained
ay the United States. In a general way
she will find there is no other such com
fortable means for insuring peace with
one’s neighbors as minding one’s own
business, and not interfering xvith tho
concerns of others,— N. F. Her aid.
SUMMEHVI I LL, GEOHOI A, WEDNESDAY EVENING, .JULY 23, 1884.
AIARGJIKRITA'S PI. A f.\T.
Mv love lias ffonei out in tho wide, wide world,
Without farewell to mo Raying:
Oh, fair young Hinder ! my heart’s doli lit!
Oh, sun that made my life so bright,
For thee I am over praying.
Scarcely had time to look in hia eye*,
And now the swoet dream is ended ;
Oil, love, why makest thy llnroes so sweet-?
Oh, love, why mnkest the heart so to beat?
It it break it cannot be mended.
Where has ho gone The world is so wido—
Is full of deceptions and sfciangers;
Ah, mo, to Italy he hath hied,
Where women are fair and false beside,
God guard him amid all dangers.
Victor Von Scbriwitj.
MY Fill FAD'S STORY.
j “Many years ago," saiil mv friend,
; “in an idle moment. I went into the Old
I Bailey, when a scene of more than ex
: trnordinary interest was abont to take
place in tiiat theatre of human misery
i and degradation.
r “The prisoner at tiio bar was a young
i man of about twenty-four years of age,
tall, of a dignified and prepossessing
i air; His dark bair hanging disorderly on
1 his shoulders and about his brow, gave
| a singularly wild and mournful expres
sion to features that seemed to indicate
1 feelings such as felons never possess,
: “The indictment was read; it con
tained an account of a most atrocious
crime, committed under circumstances
of ingratitude that deepened tts horror.
Ho was, it appeared, a young Scotoh
j man, the son yf a minister; he had dis
! tingnished himself in tho University of
j Glasgow by bis talents and acquire
ments, and had been ordained a minister
I of the Gospel. While at college lie had
j formed an acquaintance with tho son of
: a Highland laird, of nearly the same
i age, and of an amiable and cultivated
' mind. The father of this youth, a man
i of largo property, had been so pleased
with tho friend his son luul made, that
he had obtained for him a ohuroh in tho
Highlands, on condition that he should
previously accompany his son in his
travels over tho Continent.
“They had accordingly gone to Lon
don, and, having there received large
remittances for tlioir proposod journey,
were just going to set off, when one
night the youth wns found murdered in
his bed, and appearances seemed to
point out tho prisoner as tho perpetra
tor of the deed. They wore briefly
these:
“Some days before thoy had been
heard talking in their room iu a very
loud and angry tone of voice. The sub
ject of the dispute was, it was supposed,
a lady, whose name was mentioned. Tho
words ‘jealousy’ and ‘revenge’ were dis
tinctly heard; a visiblo coolness was ob
served for somo days after, till the even
ing of the murder, when they gave an
entertainment at their lodgings to friends
who had come to bid them farewell. An
evident change had taken placo In tho
behavior of tho prisoner, who affected to
be obsequiously attentive to his friend.
But the prinoipal witness for tho prose
cution was an old game-keeper who for
many years had been in tho employ of
the deceased, and who soemed almost
overpowered with grief. He stated that
on the fatal night, while sitting in the
kitchen smoking his pipe, in company
with a woman who acted as charwoman
in the lodging-house, ho heard a noise
in his master’s room, as if two persons
woro struggling. He alarmed the land
lord, entered the room, which was opon;
a light was on the floor and still smok
ing, and tho prisoner was found hanging
over the bed—a bloody knife, which was
known to belong to him, by his side, bis
hands bloody, his face pale, and betray,
ing all the marks of a guilty and dis
turbed mind. The prisoner was skilled
in anatomy; he had been hoard to de
scribe the quickest and surest way of
destroying life; and the place of tho
wound corresponded with the descrip
tion. Morover, some notes paid by a
banker to tho deceased wore produced in
court by a woman, whom the prisoner
had been seen to visit, from all which
proofs it satisfactorily appeared that
this unhappy youth, corrupted by vicious
company, had, by feelings of jealousy
and tho temptation of money, been in
stigated to murder his friend.
“While tliis melancholy detail was
given, the prisoner appeared almost
sinking under contrition and shame.
When the case had been closed for tho
prosecution, the judge, in the most im
pressive manner, called upon him for his
defense. Ho stood up, and, after a
short but violent effort to conquer his
feelings, he addressed tho bench with a
voice at first weak and tremulous, but
afterward collected and full;
“ ‘My Lord and Jury: You call upon
me for my defense; I have, none to make,
yet I am not guilty. You have just
heard a circumstantial account of an
atrocious crime, supported by a weight
of evidence which, 1 fear, will leave np
on your minds no doubt of my guilt.
But it is all wrong. The woman who
appeared in evidence never received the
money from me; it was my fear of tho
daDgerous influence which she bad ac
quired over him that was the cause of tho
temporary coldness of my friend, and
which his better feelings, and bis confi
dence in the purity of my intentions en
abled him to conquer. My visits to the
woman had no other object but to pre
vail upon her to break off her connec
tion with him. As to that horrible night,
I will state all I know of it, I wa/
Awakened by a nose in my friend’s room,
which was next to mine. I listened,
and all was still, Tlion I heard what must
fiave been my poor friend’s Inst dying
cry, but which I thought was only tho
involuntary moan of disturbed sleep; still,
a vague but irresistible feeling of alarm
impelled me to the room. By a light
that was dimly burning, 1 discovered my
friend in tho condition you have heard
described,’ Here his voice faltered. ‘I
have no recollection of what followed.
When I came to myself tiio room was
full of people, but I saw no one; I sav
only him who lay in that bod,
“ ‘Yon have hero a plain, unvarnished
tale. I have no hopes that it will bear
down the mass of evidence against me.
I know I am the only one who can be
charged with tho crime. Still I must
say: Pause, beware of shedding inno
cent blood. May the Lord, in His un
erring wisdom, move your minds as
seemeili best, to Him: for in Him is all
my trust—man cannot save me.’
“Tho jury, after half an hour’s consul
ration, returned tho verdict - guilty. He
heard it respectfully, but unmoved.
Sentence was prommeed in tho most
impressive manner by tho judge, in a
long and pathetic address, often inter
rupted by his emotion. Ho expressed
no doubt of tho prisoner’s guilt, and
lamented the abuse of talents, tho cor
ruptUn of a mint! ouco innocent, and
earnestly recommended the unfortunate
youth to confess bis guilt, rather than
rashly persist in protestations of inno
cenoe which could no longer savo hia
life, and which precluded all access to
divine mercy.
“The prisoner then aroso, and never
did I see a more expressive and com
manding countenance. It was no longer
the despondency of fear and the gloom
of hopelessness, but the triumphant, yet
calm and modest look of one about to
receive the crown of martyrdom.
“ ‘I bow with submission,’said lie, ‘to
the judgment of my country, and,
though 1 die innocent, I return thanks
to the venerable judge who liur just pro
nounced the awful sentence for the
Christian tenderness with which he has
treated one seemingly so deeply involved
in guilt ns T am; the jury, as mon,
could have returned no other verdict;
far be it from mo to murmur against
them; my doom was sealed in heaven.
May the sacrifice of my life atone, if not
for u crime of which I am innocent, at
least for the many faults f lmvo com
mitted. It is impossible not to recog
nize in tiiis the band of tho Supremo
Disposer of events. I did at first cling
to life, and cherish fond hopes that I
might yet bo saved and restored to my
beloved father and the esteem of good
men ; but 1 think I am now resigned to
die, with a firm hope that, if my days
are cut short in their prime, if my hopes
of happiness and honor have been
blasted, and an ignominious death is to
be my lot, it is wisely and mercifully de
creed, in order to redeem me from the
Brrors into which I have fallen, to purify
my soul from thoso feelings of self-ap
plause and pride which had made mo
seek human praise rather than peace
witli God.’
"During this affecting address the
hall was hushed to perfect stillness, and
it was scarcely concluded when the deep,
solemn silence was broken by I hone
words: ‘I thank Thee, Oh, God, ho is
Innocent !’ This exclamation, which
Btrtick upon tho hearts of nil, proceeded
from an old man who sat not far from
me, and who had fallen on his knees in
an attitude of prayer, his hands nonvitl
sivoly clasped together; his lips were
moving, but his eyes were shut. It was
his father. A young and beautiful girl
bad thrown her arms round the old
man’s neck, and hung on his breast,
pale and motionless. The prisoner
started at the well-known voice, and in
stinctively Bprang forward toward them;
but he recollected his position, and, with
a look which went to my heart, sat
down, arid a flood of tears came to his
relief. It would be difficult to paint the
effect which so melancholy a sight had
on the assembly; tears flowed from every
eye. Even the jailers, who came to lead
the youth to tho condemned cell, ap
peared affected.
“The execution was to take place tho
following Monday. My late and re
spected uncle, whoso lifo's work was to
vinit the gloomy dungeon and shed on
tho still deeper gloom of benighted
souls the beams of Christian truth, was
unremitting in his attentions to the
young Bcotchman. But he . mo
that, lie went there not to administer but
to receive, and that the edifying be
havior, the simplicity and resignation
if the interesting youth, left no doubts
of his innocence to all who visited him.
Efforts were made, but too late, to save
him. Tho day came. My uncle took
me with him to the prison. At that
time I was young and very thoughtless,
but I received there an impression which
neither years, nor sorrow, nor joy have
effaced, and which will remain to my
dying hour.
"On reaching the scaffold IHo con
demned man ascended the platform with
a firm step, supporting, rather than sup
ported by his father. He addressed a
few words to the crowd, told them lie
was innocent, that he hoped his inno
cence would one day appear, but that he
was resigned to die, trusting to (lie
ire-rev of Him who died for all men. Af
t(.r (Ills his father and he kneeled down
in silent prayer—no words could have
expressed tho feelings of their souls ;
then, while the executioner was adjust
ing the rope and covering his eyes, they
sang a psalm together, in the most
heart-rending acoeuts. The orowd was
still as death and nothing was hoard but
these last supplications of tho old man
and his son mournfully ascondingon high.
The song ceased the living mass below
heaved back with a simultaneous motion
of horror - lUe happy soul had fled.
“A few days after, while tho poor
father was yot, too weak to bear the fa
tigue of a journey, tho seizure of a house
breaker led to the detection of one of tb<
darkest plots that xvas over contrived by
guilty man. The ruffian, knowing there
was no help for him, confessed that ho
had been introduced into tho house by
the old game-keeper, ami committed the
murder according to his directions. Tho
father heard this account with little emo
tion. U knew,’ said Ho, ‘that he was in
nocent I shall soon be with him. Still,
I am glad for Ins sister's sake, that the
world knows it; but it could not appre
ate, it could not fed, tho dignity of in
oeoneo.’
“This calamity excited universal sym
pathy. Government offered to settle n
pension on the man. Ho rejected it with
disdain. ‘.Shall ] take the price of my
son’s blood ?’ said tie. Thoy felt for him,
respected Hih sorrow, and pressed him
no further. A simple and elegant mots
nmont erected over the bodies of the
two victims, recorded in a few words their
miserable end. Tho old man returned
to Scotland where he died not long after
his arrival, and his daughter soon after
followed him to hia tomb.”
THE NATIONAL HANKS.
A ItrnoluMon lo Invi’Hliantc Tlioar of New
\ orl* City.
A Washington dispatch says: Tho
severest condemnation was expressed be
members of both parties on a resolution
offered in tho House by Mr. Broadhead,
of Missouri, authorizing an investigation
of the national banks of New York city.
His request for unanimous consent to its
immediate consideration was objected to
by Mr. Hewitt, and the resolution was
promptly referred to the Banking and
Currency Committee where it will be
buried forever.
Mr. Hewitt says ho objected to the
consideration of tin's resolution, because
lie knew that such a measure was only
calculated to oreate distrust, unsettle
business and precipitate trouble upon
innocent business men. "Even if an in
vestigation was necessary,” Haul Mr.
Hewitt, “a Congressional Committee is
the very last body that should be en
trusted with such a mission. The
soundest bank could not stand tho ex
citement which would follow.” He had
no criticism to make regarding Mr.
Broadliead’s action, for he believed him
to be only actuated by the purest mo
tives. Yet he certainly made a great
mistake and must have boon badly ad
vised.
Mr, Potter, of the Banking and Cur
rency Committee, said lie was astonished
that Mr. Broadhead should offer suoh a
resolution at a time when the banks
were safely over their troubles and there
was no reason to snspeot that any of
them were unsound. From what ho had
heard, however, he believed that Mr.
Broadhead had been deceived by de
signing people. He felt very much
pleased that Mr. Hewitt had made an
objection, and, for one, lie would do all
in his power to see that the resolution
was never reported; even if reported,
though, that would not help it now, as
it was not a privileged matter and would
have to go on tho calendar.
It is known here that interested par
ties in New York were aware that this
resolution would be offered and that they
have been on the lookout for it for
several days in order to benefit by the
effect it was expected to produce in un
settling the stock market. Its reference
to committee, however, killed the scheme
completely.
A Little Account
An oooupant of one of the offloes in
tho city building in ltutland told, Friday
evening, a littlo anecdote that we repro
duce. “Tho first part of the story took
place thirteen years before the main
event that I am going to toll you abont.
I was a yonng fellow and was taking n
girl to ride. We drove into Greene to a
party in winter. We got out at the
house where tho party was to ho, placed
games for half an hour, kissed the girls,
perhaps, and then wrapped up and
drovo homo. Well, sir, thirteen years
afterward, a number of years ago, a
man dropped into my share. He said:
‘How d’ye do,’ and so did I. He said:
‘Your name’s K .ain’t it?' Said
I, ‘Yes.’ ‘Let’s see,’ said he, ‘you
was out to my house to a party,
warn’t you, once ?’ ‘Yes, sir, and had a
good time,’ said 1. Then the old fellow
drew a piece of paper out of his pocket
and passed it to me. ‘You owe me a
littlo bill, don't you ? It’s all writ down
on the paper. ’ The paper was a bill of
forty cents for baiting the horse, thir
teen years before. I made him sit-down
and reckon interest before I paid him,
and then I told him to get right out of
the store.” Rat land ( Vt. j Herald..
A Stratford, Conn., woman dreamed
tiiat she saw her husband kissing a
neighbor’s wife. She awoke and struck
him in the, face, breaking his nose. Ho
mast have thought that he had been
kicked by a night-mare.
NO. 27.
CONFLICFUSfi DIVORCE LAWS.
Is a Desres hi T.-vi- n line to n SUM ill
New York Mule f
[From the New York Herald. 1
In relation to tho mixed condition of
tho divorce laws of the several States, a
case of interest was submitted to Judge
Andrews, in Supremo Court, Special
Term. The suit was brought by William
Gibson Jones against Lula V. Jones.
The parties were married iu June, 1R75,
and separated in 1377, the wife leaving
her husband on the ground of cruelty,
and going with her father, Ward 11.
Wakefield, to Camp county, Texas,
where the latter had purchased a planta
tion. After a residence of two years iu
Texas the wife commenced a suit for
divorce in that Slate on the ground of
cruelty, and obtained a suit iu her favor
on May 9, 1883.
Tho husband had apix-ared and de
fended the suit, and during that period,
the wife alleged, the cruelties on his
part we re repeated. When flic decree
xvas given against him tHe Imsband ap
pealed and carried the ease to the high
est court of t lie State, where it was
affirmed iu nn opinion in which the prin
cipal act of cruelty—that of an unfounded
charge of adultery against the wife was
characterized as one to which no vir
tuous and refined woman should be com
pelled to submit without redress from
tiio courts. Iu the meantime the hus
band brought tho suit in this Slate,
which was still peudiug at the time his
wife got her decreo in Texas, and which
wuis only then reached for trial. After
the decree was rendered Judge Andrews
granted permission to the xvife to plead
it in the suit of her husband boro as a
part of her defence.
On tho trial counsel for the wife
offered in evidence a certificate of tho
proceedings of the Texas court, includ
ing the decree; and claimed that the hus
band having appealed and contested
that suit tho judgment therein formed
an absolute lmr to the present suit.
Tiio introduction of tiio decree was
opposed by counsel for tho husband,
who claimed that the record showed the
wife had remained just long enough in
Texas to como within the requirements
of tho statute ns to residence; that sho
never lind lost her residence in this
State, and that as the suit wns based on
acts of cruelty alleged to have been com
mitted in this State this court had a
right to inquire into tho jurisdiction of
the Texas court and to rojeot the decreo
if it thought proper.
Judge Andrews said the question was
an important one, in view of the present
stnte of the divorce laws, and reserved
his deoision.
The Niece of President Buchanan.
Great wealth and exalted station are
no safeguard against the commonest ills
that befall humanity. Harriet Lane,the
niece of ex-President Buchanan, has lost
her husband, Henry E. Johnston, the
Baltimore banker. Sorrows have fallen
tbiok and fast upon her iu recent years.
When I visited at Wheatland rnoro titan
a year ago, says a letter writer, they
were then in mourning for their eldesl
son, James Buchanan Johnston. Tho
other son wns convalescing from the
same disease that had carried off his
brother, and the parents hurried with
him to Europe iu the hope of saving his
life. They had scarcely readied Paris
before lie, too, was dead.
Tiio parents never recovered from this
errible blow. They closed their splen
did home in Park avenue, Baltimore,amt
the wealth that had been largely expend
ed in hospitality was devoted to chari
table purposes. In memory of their boy,
they founded and endowed the Harriet
Lane Johnston Hospital for girls and a
training school for nurses. Mrs. John
ston withdrew from the society in whioh
site had been most prominent and rarely
left the house except on missions of re
ligion und mercy. Mr. Johnston failed
rapidly in health and retired from the
control of tin; groat banking house. His
death now leaves his distinguished
widow lonely indeed. Their sons were
bright, manly lads, full of mental and
physical vigor, and gave promise oi
growing into noble manhood.
The last timo I saw Harriet Lane in
the streets of Baltimore grief had worn
deep lines in that handsome face that
seemed so attractive and so dignified
under its crown of abundant white hair, j
One of her chief solaces in recent years
has been the issuing of Curtis’s life of
her uncle. She xvas to him moro of a
daughter than a uiece.
A liinciiinn’s Feat
“What do you consider as the greatest
feat in tho history of linemen ?”
The old lineman thought a moment,
and then said: “I think it occurred
when George Riley xvas ordered in a
hurry to carry a secret wile from a di
rector’s room—to hide it, understand.
He looked over the room, and found a
speaking tubo. After trying vainly to
push the wires down through the angles
of the tube, he went into tho cellar, set
a trap and caught a mouse. no then
tied a string to the mouse’s tail, and
sent the mouse safely down tho tube.
When tho string was through he made
the wires sing to it. They were then
readily drawn through to the room,
three stories below, where the terminus
of the tube was.”
Tub hoarse laugh indicates brutality
of character,
HIE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
What wk kinii in thkvi to mciii.k
OVHIt TIIIN VYKUIt.
NO OUT IN SAt-AnrRH.
Tile employees of a Michigan railroad
lmd boon trembling in their lioots over a
threatened reduction of wages, when an
agent dispatched from headquarters
passed along the line and said to the va
rious station officials :
"I am happy to inform you that thore
xvill lie no cut in salaries.”
“Good. My salary is so small that I
could hardly stand a out of 5 per cent.”
“The road is not making any money,
lujt tiio President feels that every era
ployec is earning his salary,and Hint i‘r
luqiH the full business may bring us out
all right. Put your name down for wlint
you can afford. ”
“On what ?”
“Why, on this paper. Tt is a subscrip
tion to buy the President a 82,000 silx’or
leu-sot ns a token of the esteem of tho
employees. Let’s see? Yen get 8000
per year. If you put your name down
for 8' r >o you xvill be giving all you can af
ford. Rest easy, Mr. Blank, there xvill
bo no out in salaries.”
HOXtfc THE KANGAROO ACTBP.
“So you went to the circus, Mary?’
“Oh, yes, and enjoyed, myself very
much.”
“Did you seo the kangaroo in the uie
uagorie ?”
“I did, and folt sorry for it. Poor
thing, it is dying, isn’t it?"
“Why, no. What put that into your
head ?”
“The way it acted. When I saw il it
seemed to tie on its last legs,”- Abi.itr
villc Journal.
DO GUT OFF.
Here’s a bit ol conversation between
Belle, six years, and Frank, five years :
Belle— “Frank, do got el! that sofa
with your feet. Mamma paid a hundred
thousand dollars for that sofa, ora great
deal of money, anyway.”
Frank—“Uh, yes! get oil that sofa
’cause she paid money for it. ( let on tiio
floor; sit on the carpet; sho paid money
for tHe carpet. Go out on tho gross;
tiiat cost money to plant it, too, Geton
the ground; she paid for that, too, didn’t
she ? Hang yourself ill air; that's Ills
only tiling round here you can do." All
this in one string, ns sarcastic as pos
sible.
A SAD, SAD CASK.
Hill Simpson and Jim Dobson are two
Austin society young men, who Imve
heretofore lived by their xvil-s; they
hove no money of their own, bill man
age to live by borrowing and gambling.
Not long since Bill Simpson’s rich uncle
died and left him a fortune. Shortly
afterward he met tiis old chum Dobson,
who asked:
“Wliat tins como over yon, Bill? Be
fore you came into possession of ail that
money yon xvero the jollicst fellow in
Austin, alxvays in a good humor and full
of fun, but now that you are rich, you sit
around as if you had the toothache.
What has come over you, anyhow ?”
“Oh, Jim, you don’t know—you can’t
possibly realize how it hurts a fellow to
have to spend his own money.” —Texan
Siftings.
ONE THAT HE KEPT.
For peace and good will of tiio men
Iherein, Boston clulw excel. There was
one little tiff iu one of the clubs the
other day that has croated much amuse
ment. The men had a row, one with
another, that xvas really, I imagine,
sharper in words than in mind. At any
rate, ono told tho other that there was
no use for him to talk club manners aud
requirements.
“To my certain knowledge, you've
broken every rule in the club but one
Bince you belonged to it.”
“Indeed 1 And what’Bthat?”
‘Feeing tho servants.”
in neV YORK.
Stranger—“l say, sir, here’s a tioke'
yon can have cheap.’’
New Yorker—“ Ticket for what?”
“Ticket for Europe; first-class pas
sage.”
“J don’t want to go to Europe.”
“What are you hurrying so for
then ?”
“I’m late to dinner.”
‘Oh! beg pardon. I’m a steamship
agent, and 1 thought from your hasto
you must be a bank president. ’’—Phil,
Call.
WHY HE "BDOPED.”
Miss Pert to young Oneoftheboys,wlio
Had been indulging a trifle and had a
somewhat "vehement” breath;
“Did you ever stand near a passing
train ?”
“Oh, yes, lots of times.”
“Well, didn’t it take your breath
axvay ?”
“Not at all, my dear Miss Pert.”
“Well, what xvill, then?"
Young Oneoftheboys felt his breath
taken away by the question and sloped
at nneu
WHY ITE XVAS FINED.
“I don’t believe that I’ll fine you,”
said a polico judge, to a young tnnn who
had been arraigned for drunkenness.
“Thank you, Judge, for this is tho
first time that I was ever arrested for
being drunk.”
“What 1” tho Judge exclaimed; “tho
first time? Then I shall fine you, for
a man who was never drunk before
should have better sense than to g<
drunk the first time.”- -Arkansa/w frav •
clr.r.
Lucky Bob Swan.
Tho Ottumwa (loxva) Democrat tells
this story : Bob Hwan, of this place, xvlio
served as captain in the Thirtieth In
diana Infantry, applied for a pension,
whioh was granted, with $5,‘380 back
pay. To complete the proof his dis
charge papers xvero needed, but after a
search in the records they could not bo
found, which reminded (Bob that at the
time his company was mustered out lie
was on detailed duty elsewhere and was
evidently forgotten. Inasmuch ns he
was never mustered out he will draw
885,000 as captain’s pay,