Newspaper Page Text
TIMES-BNTERPR1SH, TH0MA8V1L LE, OCTOB
: 7, 1904.
Sioldenhurst
_„ .. , Walter b'l'oomfield
W5. —
- ' CopjTl.ll. .« l-V I
%i' CHAPTER XXXI. 0.
^ / Continued.
’ “So I thought," NAirl linclc Sam;
“but”—breaking off suddenly and pur
suing another line of thought—“niar-
riage Is the most discussed yet least
understood of human Institutions.
Though women so greatly outnumber
men, good wires nro ns scarce ns good
husbands. Of course nothing ct
terbnlance the want of good personal
qualities in either husband or wife, but
there can. bn.no matrimonial par
who is unfurnished with dollars,
member In nty salad days, soon after
, I settled In this country, Van Reuse
lacr and I once amused oarseltoa by
making some Investigations ns to tbo
condition of tbe marriage market.
| ‘'What do you mean, Sam?” naked
aunt Gertrude, looking up from her
work.
, “About twenty years ago,” continued
my uncle, "there lived in ltlvlngton
street, New York, a matrimonial agent
who used to advortlae In the dally
papers thst he was prepared to supply
WlVes of every desirable quality to
"gentlemen of unblemished honor and
respectable means, while of course
hie usefulness to ladles weary of sin
gle blessedness wss equally great. To
this professor’s office Van Rensselaer
and I one day betook ourselves, and
each planked down a fee of ?3, which
the agent, With a grateful smile, made
haste to appropriate.”
“What Induced you to bo so foolish':''
asked my aonb
. “Sport, my dear Gertie, sport; noth
ing more, I assure you,” said uncle
Sam.
“Well, what sport could you find
In giving your money to n cheat!”
, “Very much; my ?5 were well In
vested. Admission to the agent’s office
alone was worth the tee. Hal lia! I
remember the place to this day,” and
uncle Sam reclined Ills head on tin
back of bis cbalr and cbucklcd.
"What was the place like?" I In
qulrcd.
[ “It Wns n fnlrly well-furnished
office,” said uncle Sam. “Tho walls
wore covered with shelves, on which
stood letter cases and japanned tin
"bores. In a corner of the office, on an
elevated platform, a bald-hcndea old
fraud of nbout sixty, tho proprietor
of the place, sat at a desk plentifully
spread with ledgers. Packets of let
ters, held together by rubber hnnds,
and piles of photographs, lay about In
confusion, while close to the door stood
a largo table strewn with writing ma
terials and printed forma whereon cli
ent* might concisely state their quallg
ficatlous and requirements.''
» “Did the agent show you any of tho
photographs!” asked Constance.
, "Dozens of them. One lady In par
ticular I remember be recommended
a» a very suitable wife for me, hi* rec
ommendation being based chiefly on
the fact that she ufns an English
' woman, who, having passed tbe tint
blush of her youth (n statement which
nobody who glanced at her photograph
would for n moment question), wns
free of the frivolities which uoually
accompany girlhood, and having been
far ooma years s member of tbe Don-
don music-hall profession, she was nn
'accomplished vocalist, wbo could dl-
Vert my lelsuro with charming songs
of an amusing character, many of them
unknown to the best musicians. These
qualities, tbs agent argued, more then
compensated for the lady's tack of
property-"
r “Was that all the old man told you
about her!” 1 inquired.
”1 think It was,” replied unde Sam.
“But I wrote to her the next day un
der the assumed name of Holdenhurat,
and a day or so afterward* received
her reply, dated from the Bowery,
'couched In orthography which I had
not previously met with. One of her
statements—that her dear pa had been
killed tome years before by a tall from
a scaffold In the Old Bailey—Impfessed
me as a very pleasant way of describ
ing an unpleasant fact.”
■ At this point I Interrupted unde Sam
with my Immoderate laughter, much
to the surprise of sunt Gertrude and
Coutencsr who, being Imperfectly ac
quainted with London, perceived noth
ing to laugh at
• “How about Hr. Van Rensselaer!'’
asked Constance, when my paroxysm
of laughter had subsided sufficiently
for her voice to be heard. “Did the
agent recommend any of hit clients as
a suitable wife for that ugly old Dutch
man?"
• “Gently, Connie: please. Martin Van
Rensselaer waa a capital fellow, ae
good % Judge of a railroad as was the
Great Commodore himself; and hi* ad
vice waa alwaya sound In matters
where he was not personally Inter
ested. Poor old Martin Is now beyond
the veil sgahut which I have been
blinding beating.”
"Vos. 1 know." persisted Constance;
“but you have not answered my ques
tion. Did the agent recommend a wife
for your friend at he did for yon? If
fo. i w.-iild.llke to bear about her.”
“I'm afraid I can't oblige you In
that. Con; Inn of course the agent made
a ri-e.iinniendatlon. It was Mf badness
to (11 ro to everybody wbo consulted
him.'
wife by fiby sueli means ns that, I am
sure,” said aunt Gertrude.
"So am I,” milled uncle Sam.
“Do you think, Sam, aDy marriage
wns ever brought about by aucb horrid
methods!" my aunt Inquired.
“Without doubt, abundance of then),''
replied liiiele Bnnl, unhesitatingly.
"Nothing that was ever said It more
true than that humnbklnd hno mostly
fools. And It lb well that such Is tho
ease. Were it otherwise, ffietl prob
ably, though uo i.ite would starve, no
body would bo able to live well. It
In tbo follies of his fellow-creatures
that a sharp man finds his chances of
aggrandizement The matrimonial
agent of ltlvlngton street transgressed
'no law that I know of, or that I would
enact were I Invested with the attri
butes of Solon. He merely preyed upon
fools-a perfectly legitimate process,
sanctioned by tbo doctrine of the sur
vival of tho Attest. Pass me the cigar-
case, Gertie, dear.' 1
"Were you nnd your friends fools
when you visited that office In Rlv
Ingtou street!” inquired Connie, With
a- mischievous smile,
"Unquestlonahly we were,” admitted
Uncle Bam, with charming frankness,
“nnd on mnny other occasions besides,"
“Nothing can ever lnduco mo to be
lieve that It Is right to uso superior
natural gifts or knowledge to entrap
tho inexporteneed and unwary,” sold
my aunt.
■Tower Is Its own Justification. That
which n man can do he may do.”
"That Is not right,” assorted aunt
Gertrude boldly.
Nothing Is right, nor likely to be, 1
agreed uncle Sam.
CHAPTER' XXXII.
• KUnEXA.
What le tlmo? The past has gone
nnd cannot bo recalled; the present Is
hare, bat Imperfectly under car con
trol; tho future no man knows,
there another subjoct which mankind
regards In ways so numerous and dl-
verso ns time, the most generic and
Indefinite of terms? Only for tbe mis
erable wretch condemned to die on an
nppolnted day do tho fleeting hour* ex
pire with maddening rapidity; to the
sufferer from any other form of torture
they drag their course with most ex
asperating slowness. It Is tbs privilege
of the perfectly happy (If Indeed there
be any such) and tbe perfectly foolish
(of whom everyone must sorely know
sbnndsnt examples) to disregard tlmo.
Tbe week which elapsed between our
return to New York and my marriage
to Constance seemed to me of super-
naturally long duration.' Love Is Im
patient, and dressmakers and milliner*
monopolizing. Though living In tbe
same bonze si my affianced wife, I
now taw very Uttlo of ber; the was
nearly always engaged In being meas
ured, or fitted, or experimented upon la
tome way by a contingent of French
modistes, wbo camt every day to tbt
bouse and disorganised all its cus
tomary arrangements. Of tbe numer
ous dresses bclngpropsrcd for my wife,
though I bad beard a good detl about
them, I was not for tbs prssent per
mitted to see one; but I would bare
endured thst privation without mur
muring If tbe companionship of my
dear Constance bad been spared to me.
However, all things come to those
wbo wait—unless death comet lint and
capture* tbe waUtts, In which case.tbe
latter escape from tbelr wants. Man's
comfort It not more dependent upon
events than upon tbelr conrentent
quence, a course often difficult to
cure.
At list tbe wedding morning, came
and I waa almost happy, Ah, that
word almost! Has tbe man yet ltved
of whom It can be truthfully said that
be was quit* happy! Long and varied
experience makes me donbt It. With
health, youth and strength; 1100,000 to
my credit at DrexeTe; and a beautiful
girl, magnificently dowered, for my
wife; for what more could I wish, you
ntk. Why, for my father’s presence
this day, and hi* approval of the life
long contract I was about to make.
8omehow I could not keep from think
ing of my father bn this my wedding
morning; and as l watted with uncle
Sam and a small party of his friends
in the Presbyterian Church on Fifth
avenue, where the ceremony was to
take place, the old church at Holden-
hurst, Its unlikeness to tht sacred
building wherein I was, my father’s
lonely life now that I had left him,
and the probable effect of tbe recent
tragedy upon him and my grandfather
Woleey, largely engaged my mind,
despite all efforts I could mike to
disregard them; until the organ, peal
ing forth tha soul-stirring strains of
Heoddstohnta Wedding March, an
nounced tbe arrlvsl of the bridal party,
and my dear Constance, almost com
pletely hidden In white gossamer-like
habiliments and attended by six maids,
passed tknrly am the church. *
Of th* events between that moment
nnd the conclusion of the ceremony,
we all left the church, I for a
long time retained only a confused
and general recollection; but finally
tbe particulars of the ceremony took
shape In my mind, and now I can
clearly recall tbe tell, commanding
of the grand old Ulsterman, tho official- !
Ing minister of the church; and my un-1
easy glances at uncle Sam (whom I :
had nsver seen in such a place before), !
and my fear lest he should create a !
inversion by some eccentric con-J-ot. j
Not tintll after tl:e wedding' party j
Was assembled at breakfast did uncle
Bam give rein to his usual pleasantry,
anti then to no very great extent. I i
remember be inquired: across tbe t abTt*, j
Whilt my wife and. I.thought of the j
reverend gentleman’s bo6tf; j
"Think of the reverend gentleman’* .
boots!” I echoed in surprise. "Really !
I didn’t observe them. Did youf .Con- j
tiier defcr?” '
ot very particularly,^ stammered
my wife, Ineffectually endeavoring to /rug DOHA XU SCHOOL,
suppress a laugh. ^ fan) „ o{ doIls giieittly
"Why, how can you sty that!” asked con{cn , p , a tl„g tbelr young mistress st
undo Bam. "Tho reverend doctot „ nnr , e ry tea when Mis. Franehon,
wear, tho largest boot* n New ior£ Par „ lan beauty, began ruling her
tin many rash WngerorS knout td thelf jog*-fit {fee YtMng-Brave-af-ttae-Wa-
cost; ami I Observed ypU botH Intently ' bjujl fcg l n oiriri doll WSS called,
contemplating tbelr dlmehslons wlil'.e ' The Yddrig BrSv* returned til” gtauoM
he was exHorllng ybu.t® be mindful ^ lth interest, Mi Miss Fsucboti whi*
of your new duties. I assure you I Iicrcd;
am very glad If I am mistaken, for, "Do you know, flIhldk she seems dis-
there-could be no better proof of your eoueolote to-nigbt!”
attention to bis precepts.” When tbe dolls said “she,” they al-
There was a suppressed titter at tble; , way< mea nt Mary Marcella, tbelr little
out sunt Gertrude came to the rescue mistress, so the Young-Brave-of-tbe-
and protested against remarks of a ] Wabash looked over at Mary Marcella
personal nature generally, and pnrtlcu- 1 an d grunted *» Intelligibly «t a brave
larly In the case of a gentleman highly might do. - '
esteemed by all wbo bad tho privilege I "An ntrail’ of tbe heart!” questioned
of his acquaintance. Unde Ism agreed, the sentimental German gentleman
and declared (hat he bad dot only com- doll, who reclined In nil attitude ef
Alimented the minister by asserting, careless ease on tbe hearth tug.
In other Words, that lid had a target “He, he, be,” .laughed the Dinah
understanding thnB any other man In doll, whose duty It was to sit betide
New York. the Infant In long ciotiie*.. -
Hevornt of my uncle's friend* tell- Just then -Marcella finished bet (eS
tiered tbelr congratulations In the time-j and esmO over to where tbe dolM were
honored platitudes wblcb have serve-1 gathered. ” I suppose I must begin
on Innumerable similar occasions, alter j packing yon away," she said, looking
which uncle Bam rose, and glass In | sadly at the dolls, "for to-morrow will
hand, Invited all present to drink to the be tbe last day.” Bbe picked tip Miss
health, prosperity and long life of the i Fancbon. tenderly, and . two large,
bride anil bridegroom. "For the happy round tears rolled down her cheeks,
pair opposite, who with til the courago "Yea,” she continued, “I must pack
of Incxpcrienco and In defiance of sages ! you-away forever, for I am going to
and satirists have given those hostages ' boarding school, and one is not sup-
to Fortune Which to many'ht tw Would *" *‘ fc ‘
like to redeem, 1 entertain n very spe
cial nnd real affection,” said uncle
Bum. "Tho bride Is the oply sister of
my dear wife, and a daughter of my
friend and benefactor, I have known
her all her life, and I «ay of her, that
no truer or more amiable lady can lit
found between Maine and California,
Sh? was my ward; and my duty to her
has. also been mf pleasure from tbe
day I became ber guardian tintll you
saw me surrender ber to ber husband—
and with her an that I held In trust'
for her, with something over nnd
above. The bridegroom Is tbo only ton
of one, wbo, In iny youthful days: in
England before I entertained a thonfclit
of setting foot on this comment, bad
promised to become my wife—a prom
ise she was forced to break—and of my
only brother, whom I do not expect to
tee again. It Is for these reaeons
chiefly that I am prejudiced In favor of
tho bridegroom—for be Is no genius,
and I don’t suppose his unaided efforts
would ever have burdened him with
much property; be Is a trlUe senti
mental, and tacks resolution'and fixity
of purpose. Nevertheless he has proved
himself a faithful friend and a pupil of
at least average aptitude. It It with
much pleasure and copfidsnee that I
ask yon to Join ms In wishing health,
prosperity and long life to Mr. and Mrs,
Ernest Truman.”
The toast mi drunk with enthus
iasm, everybody standing. In my
brief reply I unreservedly admitted
the accuracy of my node’s estlmati
of my powers, and congratulated my-
seif on having won not only his good
will hut a wife the equal of his own
In fortune and every personal grace,
notwithstanding tbe natural defects
to which ho had c*Ued attention;, a
retort which, obvious as it wss,
ssemed to put the company Into great
good humor.
By this the hour was readied when
It was necessary that my wife should
prepare for our-departure to Saratoga,
and the party left the tables to Inspect
the wedding gifts, which were exhib
ited In a large room .devoted cxclu-
lively to that purpose—a valuable col
lection of Jewels and fancy articles,
st which I could not look without the
painful thought that nothing from
Holdenhurat was among them.
It wanted not more than half an
hour of the time fixed for our depart
ure when nnd* Bam, with an atr of
mystery, beckoned me to follow him.
did eo, wondering -what his purpose
could be, He led the way to hit study,
where sunt Gertrude and my wife
awaited, us, tbe latter now In a plain,
tightly-fitting traveling dress, ready to
depart My unde dosed tbe door In
a cautions way is soon at we hnd en
tered tbe room, wblcb circumstance,
as' well as the serious looks of aunt
Gertrude and my wife, filled me with
alarm.
I waa about to Inquire the meaning
of all this when unde Sam spoke.' my
wife meanwhile observing me closely
to note the effect ot hit words upon
"'A letter from England arrived
for you this morning,” he said, "and
by good fortune it fell Into my bands.
have kept tt from you until now, for
your benefit; for you would not have
liked your marriage to have been
again postponed. I don't know bow It
may prove, but I greatly fear that It
evatatas bad news. However that
may be, take courage for your wife’s
sake as well as your own. Remember
my. recent experience, and never let
be raid that the old man was braver
than tbe young one.” And having
spoken' thus my uncle handed me a
bUck-bordend letter bearing an Eng
lish stamp and the postmark of Bury
St Edmund's.
To be continued.
“Mr. Tan Rensselaer didn't win bis form nud the dear, tmprefidre
The sweetest, music to tha egotist It
when be blows bit own born'.
posqd to take dolls to boarding school.'
The speechless agony with wblcb tbe
dolls suffered at the revelation will per
haps never be understood. Dldsb fell
out of her chair In a faint, the Infant
Uttered a shriek, and Fancbon forgot
tor once to roll ber eye* and abut them
Instead.
Bnt tbe India rubber doll took no
part In tbelr demonstrations, (be-be
bad rolled Into the passage on an ex
ploring expedition and was Jnst In tbe
path of Marcella's paps nnd his guests
when they pasted on tbelr wty to tbe
'laboratory, where Marcella’s papa
worked out all manner of wonderlul
things, wblcb wen so far ahead of the
timet that he forgot til sbont tbe pres
ent. Although be stumbled over tbe
rubber doll, be would bare passed it by
bed It not squeaked loudly-ond bounced
very Ugh when tbe professor took bis
foot kwsy.
Even a professor cannot belp being n
trifle disturbed st such a demon*Ira-
Ron;
. “This must be one of Marcella’s
dolls,” be said, as he picked tbe robber
doll up, and tbo remark seemed to re
call something to bis mind, for be
added rather abruptly to tbe yoonger
professor wbo wss with him;
“My-little dsngbter,-you know, she's
going awiy to boarding school Id s day
or two. I’ll leave this in the nursery."
He was'ao much aroused by the rubber
doll, which continued to squeak, even
after It had been picked np, that he ac
tually noticed, while bo was handing
the doll to Mary Marcella, thst she
had been crying.
‘•Wby, what is the matter!” he
asked, and be looked In a puzzled way
nt the targe packing case and the dolls
on the hekrtta rag. “Are yon peeking
your dolls to take to boarding school!"
“No,” said Marcella, bravely; "they
are not going. Great-Aunt Caroline
•says that one Is not expected to take
dolls to a boarding school. They mkke
one’s room so disorderly, "
"Bnt, perhaps," suggested Marcella’s
papa, wbo was about ss clever about
dolls as about anything els* when he
was one* aroused to a sense of their
paramount Importance, “boarding
schools have changed since Annt Caro
line’s day. I am quite certain tbe one
which yon are going to will not object
to dolls."
And when, a few days later, Marcella
and her belongings were received at
tbo boarding school, her papa was par-
tlcnlarly anxious about a peculiar look
ing hamper and an even more peculiar
looking frame box, out of which there
ehrerged the entire family of dolls and
a most commodlut doll mansion, wUeh
exactly fitted Into a corner of Mary
Marcella’s small dormitory division,
and In which, at ber papa’s .request, a
particularly elegant apartment was re
served for the rubber doll.—Birming
ham Age-Herald.
WREN DISCIPLINE.
Hidden in the grass, I tried to solve
tbe secret of the' father’s petulant ac
tions. Each time the patient mother
returned be grew more restless and
violent'in bis language. Boon I saw his
wife whirl JoyOutly by with sn un
usually targe white grab—rarely • a
prise for any bird. Bnt, sisal for all
her prowess, ber spouse darted st ber
at If in madness, while she, trembling
in terror, retreated down tbe limb and
through tbe bushes For a few mo
menta tt seemed as If the wren house
hold was to be wrecked. I was tempt
ed to take tbe mother’s part against
such cruel treatment it she quivered
through the fern on fluttering wing'
toward me. but'at that moment, as if
thoroughly subdued^she yielded up tbe
bug to the father. This was th. to.,c
of contention. A douicstlc battle had
I*—u fought and be bad won. Tbe
scolding ceased. Both seemed satis
fied. Mounting to the tree top,' the lit
tle mother poured forth such a flood of
sweet song as rarely strikes human
ear. From that moment she t«fiW4 *
different wren, released from 'all card
ittrl werry. Her entire time was spent
in search for bugs. Each return was
heralded by d tftfe
the tree top, and her bnsbapd whiled
out of tbe tangled vines td tax# the
morsel she carried.
Rill whaf of his actions!. He had
#itber gone WIT or he was a most
Oeifisit littic tyrant, for be flew about
the alder etiimrt, calling iidW la a softer
lone to bis- children tvithld,and[fiddly
swallowed the grub himself. ,lwo of
three times be did this, nntll I was so
disgusted I could hardly endure blni.
If he were hungry, why could be not
skirmish for his own bags?
While I was chiding him for hit in
famous action, the mother appeared
With a large moth, which he readily
took. Among the alder limbs the
father dew, and finally up to the nest
bole, out of which wss Issuing such
a series of hungry scream* as no par
ent with tbe least bit of devotion conld
resist. Hardly could I bellere my
eyes, for the little knave Just went to
tho door, where each hungry nestling
conld-get a Bood view of the morsel,
then, as If scolding the little ones for
being «d noisy and bangry, he hopped
back dowfi the tree Into the bushes.
This was Indeed cause for a family
revolt. Tbe brown nestling nearest tbe
door grew so bold with hunger that be
forgot his fear nnd plunged headlong
down, catching iu the branches below
where the father perched. And the
precocious youngster got the. large
moth at t reward for bl* bravery.
Not till then did it dawn upon me
that there was t reason for the father's
queer actions. The wrenlet* -were old
enough to leave tbe nest. Outside in
tbe warm sunshine they conld be fed
more easily and they woald grow more
rapidly, and they could be taught tbe
ways of woodcraft. In half an hour,
one after another, the little wren* had
been persuaded, even compelled, to
leave the narrow eonHnes of the nest
and ltnnch ont Into the big world.
What a.task the father had brought
upon himself. Surely' the old woman
In the shoe never lmd a more trying
time. The fretful father darted sway
to pnnlah one of the wrehlets for not
remaining quiet; he scurried here to
scold another .for wandering too far,
or whirled away to whip a third for
not keeping low in the underbrush,
sway from the hawk's watchful eye*.
—From William Lovell Flnleyi* "Be**
tag a Wren Family,” In Bt. Nicholas.
THE: OBSTINATE FLAME.
Of course you know what a “blower"
Is. The meaning that we have In mtnd
le not to be found In .the dictionary,
but you are doubtless familiar with
the term boaster, which It tho rame'
thing.
The next time yon encounter him tell
him that you don’t believe he can blow
out a candle placed only a foot from
his experienced month without,any
other obstacle than bis own brestb be
tween them.
It he accept* the challenge, sett him
comfortably at the table, place tbe
lighted candle In front of him, sod put
ting to hit lips a targe tin fnnnel, with
the centre of it* mouth opposite and
near tbe flame, and tell him to- blow
through that
He may blow until he becomes black
In the face without extinguishing th*
candle. The harder ha blows the more
It doesn't go out.
After he has given it up sty, “It Is
easy enough, when yon know bow," put
the funnel to your ilps and blow out
tbe candle. How? Simply by bring
ing the rim instead of tbe centre near
the flame.
When yon blow through a fnnnel
your breath spreads and follows tbe
conical surface, leaving a region of
dead calm In the centre. Your friend
blew all around tbe flame without
touching It, but you extinguish it with
a puff.
There are a good many, queer things
sbont sir currents thst would never
have been thought ot if they had not
been found out by experience. This is
one of them.
AKoonCl
A Herein owner of classic days
(rang a ban* about her baby’s neck at.
soon as It could walk. Often this was
Just a disc of metal or, leather, bear
ing the name of the child’s family; but
more often it was a hollow metal cate,
-highly ornamented.,which held charms
ogatast rrtl spirits.
•• TOOLED AGAIN. .
I bajght toms/ptUnt lesther shots,
fltrally make* yni tort®)— « - _
Fro only worn them .tire* week* sad J
The patent has expired.
N THE LESSEE EVIL. , .
Joe—“Dd you like picnics so well?”
John—“No, taft if I don’t go I’ll h*v«
to take care of the baby while my wife
goes.“—Cincinnati .Commercial Trl-
nne, -.-rtkjf
JlfOT BEFdBE THE BATTLE.'
cyhls bread Isn’t fit for a dog to eat,’’
growled the husband,
“Very ..well, my dear," replied bi*^
wife, “don’t pat it, then."—Chicago
Rows, ... '
MASCULINE SYMPATHY. /
Office Boy—“I’ve got th' toothache."
Bookkeeper—’’Foob! I’ve got rheu-j
mstlsm in both knees, a stiff heck and 1
t - headache."—Cincinnati Commercial.
Tribune.
- 1 WHEBEt
Native—“Yes, It’s a little warm hero
•e-day, but the sir Is magnificent”
Visitor—"Yes, It’s fine. Do I have
to pay anything extra for it!”—ChP „
eago Tribune. -vlv
THE TACTFUL BARBER. ' 1
“Do yon shave yonrtelf, sir!”
“None of your business.”
“I was only going to say. sir, that
It’s dons ax .well as any professional
could do it”
That netted him ad pxtra tip.—Cleve
land Plata Dealer. ^ ,„j
NEED SCRAPING.
Cockney—"Thank the Lord, there If
one thing we’ve not got In England." ;
New Yorker—“Say, what’s that?” y
Cockney—"Skyscrapers.”
New Yorker—“Well you want ’em;
your skies are so btd they need scrap -
ing."—Harper’s Weekly. , .. ,i
, ^
AS IT USUALLY HAPPENS.
Barnes—“They ray . that Widow.
Oneeds' husband wasn't much of f
•tan."
Howes—“No, I don’t think he was,
bnt he'll get a splendid character from
Mrs. Ouecdt when she marries his sue,
csssor.”—Boston Transcript.
ALL OUT.
“I am strongly Inclined to think that
four husband has appendicitis," said'
the phj»lcUn.
“That’s Just like him,” answered Mrs,
Cumrox. "He always watts till any
thing hat pretty nearly gone out ol
itylo before be decides t« get It.”-
Washington Star. )
• - ~ HE KNEW.
Dick—"No, you’re not s true friend—
or yon wouldn't ask me to lend yod
money,-when you know that I haven't
any myself.”
Slick—"But you forget that the only,
friends who are willing to lend monvy|
lire the ones wbo haven't got it to>
lend.”—Detroit Free Press. <
A GOOD HINT.
He—“I came near proposing to you
(he other night.”
She—“I'm glad you dlda’t. I’d misi
four visits ever so much.”—Conic Cuts
POSITIVE PROOF.
"Yni," said the young nan. “the gill
t am engaged to Is sn angel.”
“Oh, sure." sneered the scanty haired
man who had been np against the ma
trimonial game for many years,
"That’s what they all say.”
“Bnt she Is. all right,” continued tho
■mitten yonth. “Even mother says ztd
is too good for me ."-Chicago News. ,
HOW THEY LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
First Loving Friend—“Good even
ing, dear. Why, you’re sparkling all
"rer.” —,
Becond Loving Friend-"Yes, dear,
thane are my fatally diamonds.”
First loving Friend (sweetly)—
“Really, dear. HoW nice! But I didn't
know that your ancestor was a
•Jailer.”—Ally Sloper.
A DREAM OF BLISS.
“Ss you are looking forward ta a
food time this summer!”
“Yes, sir," answered Mr. Cumrox.
“Going out of town?"
“No. I’m going to send mother and '
the girls out ot town. Then fm going
to sit in my shirt sleeves, smoke my
pips ta the parlor, and hire a steam
piano to play au the ragtime I waut"-
.Washtagton Star. _ . .
