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VIENNA, GA. THURSDAY , JANUARY
WA1I4S,
Ever<"couf8try printing^j)ffice oughjt to teachat least on6 printer a year.;." They are-scarce.
Humor and Philosophy
By DUNCAN M. SMITH
—
Copyright. IMS, by Sampeoe-Kodcce C*j
HB KNOWS.
| That marriage Is a great success
| No matter all that has been raid,
I By evidence proved, not by guess,
Tou get It straight from Newly wade.
| Be knows It from experience;'
I A week of Joy he's lived the pace.
And so In sentences Intense
He proves oonchislvety, the caser
w>”'
Who has a better right to know
Than married men. pray tell me this,
!• If they have had three days or so
Of sweet, ecstatlo wedded, bliss T
I Then ask the fellow right away.
If you're quite anxious to And out.
For In a year or two he may
Upon the subject be In dpubb
Good Discipline For Him,
% “Do you enjoy skating, Ethel?"
“Yes, hugely. I feel such a sense of
having a good Influence when Jack is
down on his knees on the Ice tugging
away at my skate straps, his hands all
ired and cald and hla temper all fluffed
iup, while I sweetly stand there, know
ing he Just daren’t swear."
Couldn't Help It,
"Wliot made Jones bristle up so when
fwe were talking of the advantages of
adversity?”
“Oh, he was on the bog so long, you
know."
You Have to Do lb
) Dig up—this Is the merry lay
) That's chanted to you night and day.
' It makes you feel not very gay.
, Dig up.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
- 7‘ ' V
Some men shovel snow for exercise,
bat moot of them do It to get the snow
off the walk.
▲ woman's Idea of a president Is a
benevolent .gentleman-tn the-receiving
Hne at a reception.
Before marriage a man does not
knew whether his sweethearts gowns
are'ln style or not: after marriage he
doesn’t cw: *
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Dentists would make great politicians
If a pull counted for anything.
Snow shoveling is nroob more allur
ing os sumnler exercise.
Quite often a skin doctor la true to
hlanijme.
If the lion Is the king of beasts the
leopard must bo the ten spot
B9
OO h\
NLY
Dig up—It la your only chance
TO keep yourself In countenance
Or get a kindly pleasant glance.
Dig up.
Dig up for friend, dig up for foot
Dig up, dig up, where'er you go.
No matter that It patnayou so,
Dig up.
Lilted the Security.
“Good deeds are better than money."
• “Very true. If you have deeds to a
tew good corner lots no bank can break
pnd tie up your Income.”
Poor Thlngl
She couldn’t do the washing;
It alwayB made her sick,
But she eould go
A month or so
On shopping expeditions
And never miss a lick.
A Masculine View.
“Why Is It called leap year any-
|WayT
i “Because women always Jump at the
,chance it gives them.”
The Best Ever.
When every day is Sunday,
Oh, won't It be a heyday?
But, oh, it will bo bottor still
When every day Is pay day!
He Took No Chances.
“How do you like my new hat,
George?” asked Martha Washington as
she came home tired but radiant after
having left half of ber husband’s Week
ly salary with the milliner.
“I cannot tell a lie,” replied the Fa
ther of Ills Country, looking It over.
“Let us talk about the weather."
Money Counts.
Lives of poor men all remind us
That we do not cut much loe
Grasping after fame illusive
If wo haven’t got the price.
Let us then be up and doing,
Every one who’ll kindly wait.
Bo that when our lives are written
We’ll be listed with the great.
Intelligent.
Canvasser—Is your husband a Demo
crat or a Republican?
Lady—I guess so. I think I heard
him say something*to that effect
If we were to give the devil his due
the rush of business would swamp tho
old fellow.
Kvory man knows bow to cure a cold
for the other fellow.
The more yon contract a debt the
bigger the debt grows.
There are men who can darn a sock
without using a needle.
What Is Intemperance In one man
Isn't a taste for another.
A cat can look at a czar If It does not
got caught at It,
When the tall undertakes to wag the
dog there’s going to be a disturbance.
Patience ami perseverance conquer
all things except South American revo
lutionists; they go on- forever.
There are a great many people afflict
ed with talkltls.
There may be no use In telling a man
ho la a fool, but sometimes there la a
lot of satisfaction in It
A man has no more use for the aver
age Christmas presents than a tramp
has for a Anger bowl.
Every mail secretly thlnka be can
sing.
The average girl thinks that a star
Was lost to the theatrical world when
she concluded to marry
Wine may be a mocker, but to the
taste Borne of- It seems more like an
Imitator than anything else.
Facts are stubborn things, but all
stubborn things aren’t facts. Some of
them are hogs of vnrlous kinds. j
Slander crushed to earth will He j
again. ;
Truth is stranger than fiction and a
great deal more scarce. |
— i
Evil report, like a hornets’ nest, is
a good thing to leave alone.
The meanest thing about a bad tem
per is that It Is sure to convict its pos
sessor of being in the wrong.
A cold winter will bring out the old
est inhabitant In great profusion.
A toothache Is a good thing to keep
one’s corns from aching.
The fat woman might be forgiven for
wearing a pink waist if she would not
look so placid about it
A man’s appetite for flattery is sel
dom commensurate with his ability to
get It
Oriental rips are beautiful because
they are oriental rugs.
When the coal dealer is dunning you,
the Iceman Is quiet.
Hens are stupid creatures. They nev
er seem to know when they hnve a
chance to make a hit.
Different Then.
Whan a man la in a hurry,
Don't expect him to bo nleet
All Is fever, fret and flurry,
And it doesn’t cut much lee
That he’s times and times galore
Told hla wife In measured phrase
Not to worry any more,
For it would out short her daytk
He declares he never worries.
For It Isn't any use;
Bays he dodges frets and flurries.
Claims with care to have a truce,
Often the man behind the gun is not
so much to blamo for trouble as tho
man behind the toy pistol counter.
Some men are eternally striving to
provo that they are descended tram
monkeys.
Ever notice that the man who Is in
debt $100,000 can generally manage to
snatch off a bettor living than the fel
low who is ahead of the game SO or 40
cents?
We might dlscnss the mental makeup
of the woman who believes all that her
husband tells her if there were any
such women.
Often when a map’s wife has to sup
port him n friendly lamp post helps.
The secrets of a secret society are
not half so wonderful after you know
them.
When a woman Is dressed to kill, the
fool killer should at once bo notified.
If you want to borrow money of a
man tell him that he can sing.
Accidents will happen, but not It a
man has a paid up accident Insurance
policy.
On tho day after Christmas the aver
age man Is certain that Santa Glaus la
no mind reader.
Did you ever notice that borrowing
neighbors nre much more objectionable
than lonnlng neighbors?
No Common Salt.
You cannot catch the turkey old
By putting salt upon lt3 tail.
Unless your salt is grains of gold
Or dollar bills you're bound to fall.
The Pure Stuff,
“The policeman on our corner is a
jewel.”
“About eighteen carats copper, I sup
pose.”
He Drew the Line,
“Don’t you love the plain people?”
“Well, yes; or, that Is, all except the
plain ladles.”
Your Pipe Goes Out
You nestle Tn'an easy chair,
And o’er your, dreamy view
Arises Castles In the air
With trappings bright and new.
The villagers your'coming wait
With jnefry laugh and shout
As you Tide’down the Hire In state—
And then your pipe goes out.
You speculate In mining stocks
Whlls seated at your ease;
At bargain rates pick up choice blocks
The shorts you slowly squeeze.
You have the market all your way -
While othors prance about;
You haul your wealth home on a dray—
And then your pipe goes out.
You pick the winner In the race,
A fast and likely nag.
And wonder for a little space
How you will spend the swag.
To carry all of It away
You need an escort stout;
The race comes after some delay—
And then your pipe goes out
Ah, me, oh, my, and lackaday
For all our wondrous plans,
Whun comes the date set for the play
They’re hardly “also rans.”
We smoke up with a mighty puff.
Put poverty to rout
And reach out to rake In the stuff—
And then our pipe goes out
His Frankness Won.
“Did you ever kiss a girl before?”
“Yes, I have kissed hundreds of
them."
“Why, you horrid man! Leave mo
this instant!”
“But none of them would begin to
compare with you.”
“I guess you cun stay.”
Sweet, but He Did Not Care For It,
“Well, John, is the bread of inde
pendence sweet?” said the chance call
er to the returned runaway.
“Yes, but I can got along without
sugar in mine,” replied John.
But Just watoh when some disaster
Knocks hla plans all out of plumb;
He’ll proceed to worry foster
Than hla wife can, and then'some.
Then for him eaeh one must hustle,
“Step and fetch It; bring It here.”
How he makes the household rustle
While he’s striving to get clear!
When a man la free tram worry
He dispenses good advice,
But Just catch him tn a hurry;
TMh hie temper needs eowo Icq,
So Easy
“How beautifully the minister spoke
upon truth telling this morningl”
“Indeed he did. I quite agree with
him, too, that we should always tell
the truth."
”1 too. Won’t you como In and bear
Maud sing her new song?”
“I’d Just love to bear it, dear, -but'I
have an engagement to keep at this
hour, so must deny myself the pleas
ure. GoodbyP’
It Was Apparent
It was apparent.
She brushed out the waves of her hair
And fastened a crimson rose there;
Sho wondered If he
With her would agree
That she was exceedingly fair.
He brushed off his shoulder with oars
To dislodge tho pearl powder there.
“It certainly seems
That she of my dreams
Last night w$s exceedingly fair.”
Queer Economy.
"Yea,” said tho San Francisco lady,
“I always send to Boston for my fahey
goods.”
“Do yon think you can do better there
than at home?”
“I don’t know, but I like to make a
dollar go os far as possible.”
A Safe Bet.
When you ache like all
croatlon.
When your head spins
like a top,
When your wits go on
vacation
And you're Jest about
to drop.
You complain you feel
“so funny!”
Think you surely
huvo tho grip,
But I'll bet you even
money
You've been, on
Shopping trip.
Felt For Him,
Jack—She Is going to marry him to
reform him.
Ethel—Poor girl!
Jack—Nonsense! Poor man!
Wouldn't Stand For It,
“What makes that kid yell so?”
“He just hoard some one say he
grows more like his dad every day.”
What He Missed.
“It was tough 'on old Nero that ho
lived so soon.”
“But he managed to have a good
deal of sport.”
“Yes, but think of tho time he could
have with an automobile.”
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Always Ready to Do His Share,
“Higgins sits round the saloon a good
deal, but be seems to do what be can
to make the world brighter."
“Why, how is that?"
[ “He smiles whenever he can,"
Support From His Children,
“Wlinl is Boggs, the humorist, doing
now?”
“Running for office."
“Will lie get elected?”
“Ho ought to; his jokes are all old
enough to vote.”
Up to Him,
“What would you do If I were to kiss
you?"
“Would you like to know?”
"Certain ly."
“Yon don’t appear to be very anxious
to find out.”
Some Attraction Needed.
“Is the girl Jackson Is to marry rich?"
“She must be. You would say so
could you see her.”
It does not require
a bright man to bo
able to take a vaca
tion without pay.
No man can be
really eccentric on a
dollar a day.
As between beauty and the beast; It
is sometimes easier Hvlug with the
beast
It is hard to respect old ago in an
ogg-
The fellow who could have prevented
the whole thing is always mites away
when an accident happens.
Prudence and wisdom havo been
crowded away from a great many coun
cil fires, and their places have been
taken by nerve and gall.
When a woman can’t think of ally
ing else‘to do she re trims her bat
Investigating committees seem ttf
have a great affinity for llmel^ht
Ability to Judge when it la best to be
among those not present la a large fac
tor in many a man’s success.
Borne people have no more idea of
the vuluo of tlmo than a pig baa of
porphyry.
When a boy gets spanked he has to
take his mother’s word for it that it
hurts her too.
A woman may bo ablo to reach high
O, paint oq china, preside at a chib
and still be able to dam stockings.
Girls are shy because they have seen
too little of the world; youths are shy
because they havo seen too much of It.
A man will never fall In love unless
there is a woman somewhere in blf
vicinity.
A fire alarm Is a great leveler of so
cial distinctions: «
The only way to beat a gambler la to
nse a club, ,
Some taws' qro made to he obeyed
and some to hold up a trust
When material things become fnvlsl-
bio some people might think It a mlr- j
acle, but It Is ordinarily called a pull, j,
rrs’coMiNG to you. ...
You go to call j m
Whon you fool nil T
Elated, buoyant, gay, |! t
Upon a lass .■ ,.W-«
To whom, you puss
Your heart upon a tray. :i
You're number one; ■
You're having fun; ■ j)
Things seem to como your way.
When, tlng-a-llng.
There cornea a ring,
And up Jumps protty May. j
In walks a chap,
Who Is, mayhap,
You think, her brother’s friend.
But he sits In
Your gams to win
And sees It to the end.
And then you get
A Jolt, you bet,
That puts you to the bad.
He Bhows to you
A trick or two;
He makes you fighting mad.
Your gibe and quip
You thought so flip
Don’t make a hit at all,
But at his Jokes
May nearly chokes.
You hate tho fellow’s gall.
You rlso and say
You must away;
It's tlmo for you to bolt.
When safe outside
You own your prldo
Has had an awful Jolt.
He Ought To.
When you step on
a banana
And your feet fly
In the air.
Shouldn’t the re
cording angel
Turn his head
while you can
swear?