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VOL. xkll NO. i3.
VIENNA, GA. THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 1904
I * *> ' ■ .
TERMS $1 A YEAS
Humor and Philosophy
By DUNCAN M. SMITH
Copyright, teas, by Buniwoa-nodRW Co.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
’A wise man will not teach a girl to
■fcato unless be la engaged to her o*
expects to be.
OlockB are great on the strike, but
fortunately they never Btrlke Tor an
jht hour day.
Some men are better than others be*
Cause they are not found out
One thing provoking about the now
and costly metal radium Is that It will
not do to fill teeth.
It is the farmer with a pretty daugh
ter who has no trouble in keeping his
hired men.
Do the Chinese, after all, follow ways
that are dark or ways that are yellow?
The fact that so many of their states
men wear monocles goes to prove that
the English cannot appreciate a Joke.
There are monkeys who might feel
slandered if they were charged with
being the ancestors of some men.
The .funny part of It Is that a man
thinks that be means-all of the things
that he tells a girl before he marries
her.
After a man Is dead the doctors gen
orally agree to that fact
Silence Is often mere exasperating
than the most violent opposition.
WHAT HE OVERLOOKED.
A lad and a law and a little red sleigh,
With Dobbin to draw them, were speeding
away.
Above tn,the heavens the roguish stars
blinked
The way that for ages at lovers they'd
winked.
“For every star falling this right yon may
To kiss the young lady; so get in the.
game."
This message, Jfarconlo was flashed
through the alr.‘' ‘
But he didn't get It or else didn't care.
A rocket celestial flashed ovor the eky.,,
"X see a star falling.” said Bess, with a
, sigh. •
“That's nothing surprising or startling nf
queer.”
Said John. 'They're quite common at
this time of year.” *
Just then a bombardment of twlnklers
began.
But John sat erect, like a sawdust stuffed
man.
While Bess said: “Oh. my! Rut..any, lan’t
this grand?" . .
But somehow she eouldn't make John un
derstand.
A pawing cloud darkened the moon's yel
low light;
The stars seemed to whisper! "Make
haste I It's all tight 1"
But John only wondered Just what had
piqued Bean,
For as to the trouble be eouldn't quite
guess.
The stars at each other winked hard with
delight
As John, turned away with a formal
"Good night."
They said: “Suob a sleigh ride, with never
ono kisfl!
Just call up the foolklller; tell him of
,*Pt
When a man loses his temper
pt to find some other person’s tbi
le Is
oper.
A ebenp skato Is a poor thing any way
you take It
, Nobody’s dog always bos a kick com
tag.
Some women who would like to have
an auto are waiting until the tea men
begin giving them away with a pound
ef tea.
When you get something for nothing
It generally .posts yon double price.
No prophet without whiskers 1b hon
ored In bis own country or anywhere
else.
If ,j[oq think that tomorrow never
comes just give your note payable in
thirty days. 1
A man Is la luck If he gets away
from tho dentist with the akin of btn
teeth.
When yon buy tt act of dtshce and the
man' throws U> some coffoo you may
have to throw It ont
A gas company la able to throw tight
on most any subject.
There Is not mneb plot to a directory,
but every man can find ono hero In It
If his name la Hated.
TEACHING HSR TO SKATE
Perhaps If s nice to have a data
To teach a pretty girl to skate,
But If she weighs a half a' ton
The lady haa most all the tun.
You meet a girl that's, somewhat plump
And think that you have played a trump
When she consents at your request
To giro her bran new skate* a test
You think the others envy-feel
Aa at her shapety feet you kneel
And buckle oh the straps just So
As not to pinch her tootsie too.
Then businesslike you grasp bor hand;
She manages somehow to stand.
And while you offer
good advloe
She sits down hard
to test the toe.
Of course she thinks
that you're to
blame
And says she's sorry
that Bho cnmfti
Then as you sot the lady straight
You notloo she's a girl of weight
Your troublee are but just begun.
For that fall's not tho only one.
And to the looker bn Intent
You cause no end of merriment
You didn't think a living soul
Could havo such little self control;
You In one hour on one small crock
Got exercise to lost a week.
At last the lady makes a hit
By saying; "That's enough! Dot's quit!"
But If your mind She understood
She'd know that you had quit for good.
The District School Debate.
They Bit around with serious mien.
Keep tab on all material foots.
And with a judgment young but keen
Scan carefully all publlo acts.
And In a manner quite
oltlinnd > ■ • ■ ■ ,
They BStllo the'attain!
of state
At this great forum of
the land—
The country district
sohool debate.
Tho tariff and free
trade as well
Are In the balanee
nicely weighed, .
And underneath the
speaker's spell . ,
Bach one receives Its
proper grade.
The Jury, on Impartial
band,
Metes out to each Its
well earned fate
At this great forum of
the land—
untry district school debate.
The co. ’
, ,cation, great and small,
And every qv -.tlon in Its turn.
Receives atteu 'nt the speakers call
To make their pou. 'th no concern.
A spade a spade w.,
For all Is earnestness
Intense;
Bach bends the orator
to hear;
All for the time are In
suspense
Save who are spoon
ing In the rear.
And thus they meet
and thus debate,
And who shall say
they do not deal
'As sagely with affairs-
of state
Ae.'vtatesmen do with problems real?
And maybe in their homely way
They reach conclusions far morer just
Than able congressmen who may
Draw Inspiration from a trust .
He Was Battle Scarred.
"Yes, -1 havo been through four
wars,” oald the veteran, "and I have
had some experience.”
"Four wars?” said his admirer.
“Wfrioh onesf 1
“Mexican, civil, Spanish and matri
mony,” sadly replied the old soldier.
Looting Pot e Snap,
"What do you think of that man?
HU wife takes In washing to support
him!”
"I wonder If She has any unmarried
ulstera.”
The Welcome Letter.
A letter from home—how It cheers the
heart ...
Of tho boy who haa wandered wide.
And causes the tears of Joy to start
9 If yiere Is a oheck Inside!
When a yduth Is broke in a foreign land
And living by crook, and wit.
It cho-T-s him up to beat the.band
To have a cay pa remit,
Ckwe (o the Mark.
Wiille-How can you tell ft lobster
wwn you see oho? '' * ■ i '
~ Slay—Now let’s change the spbject.
I.don’t want to get personal.
An amatenr huntsman has a wonder
ful conception of a rabbit’s speed. He
thinks that J*-ls able to outrun bis but
let
When a boy Injures some one else
with a toy pistol It Is bis father who
should get thirty days In Jail.
Sometimes wben you get acquainted
with a married couple you discover
that one of the parts Is greater than
the whole.
Don’t put your trust In princes It
they are the backers for mining com
panies.
If there was
no£ Such a gen-
e r a 1 prejudice
against oats
sealskin racks
might coat less
money.
Various pat
ent medicines
claim to be abls
to conquer
death, but what we want is one that
will knock ont taxes.
Shoveling snow may be very health
ful exercise, but doctors who care to
bold their practice are careful not to
recommend It, *
PBRT PARAGRAPHS.
The standing army Is never sent to
the seat of trouble that It may take a
rest
mmsm
Not the Only One.
"Poor maul” sold Mrs. Gusher as a
drunken disreputable reeled by. "To
think that somewhere he has a moth
er!”
“Gome along," Impatiently replied
her husband. "That does not make
him a freak."
Worth Writing.
I caro not who may write tbs songs.
Who Islands may annex,
And who spellbound may hold tbs
throngs
If X can writs the checks.
Looking Out For Himself.
"Don’t take your overcoat Willie.
Tho weathor Isn’t cold-.”
"I didn’t want to pat it on the weath
er," muttered Willie.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Girl babies are born without clothes,
but they try to make up for It In later
years.
Take It the country over, tho bena
furnish the lay off tho land.
T
All Is not coal that glitters.
"Divided we don’t fall,” Is tho motto
of tho horseback riding girls who have
discarded the sidesaddle.
Wben a fool has learned to keep hla
month shut, he Is no longer a fool.
No Limit For Him.
"Bleery, we are going to organise a
drunkards’ union to make tho bar-
keeps treat us with due respect Are in certain quarters a parrot that
you In?” swears Is worth more money than one
"Go on wld you. It sounds nice, bnt that does not
the first thing 1 know, you will be ask-1
tag me to only work eight boors a day f
at the business!"
Gave It Away.
"I believe In the open door policy!"
wildly Bhouted a street orator, waving
his hands at the crowd that stood be
fore him.
“He must have been raised In a bmp-
mill,” commented a countryman who
was passing that way.
i vi-
It Paid Him,
“I am proud to be known as a friend
W 'he people,” said the congressman
was on the stump for re-election.
"No credit to you,” commented a
constituent of the opposite political
faltt. "You are drawing a salary for
It.” ■
-Matter of Opinion.
A fool there was, and he spent his cash
(Even as you or I)
For a book of verse that was half of It
traah
(Such as the neighbors buy).
Oh, the coin we waste and the wretched
We exhibit, If nothing worse.
When we wildly rant o’er an author’s
cant
Because he can swear In verse.
Bad whisky will make good Indiana
If they drink enough of It.
The man who never stole an umbrel
la never had a chance on a wet day,
A man seldom complains that his
room Is too hot when some one else is
buying the coal.
_ . ”tla loses some of its glamour
/Cone.. , becomes initiated and finds
w -hei? 0 mau - 'its Inhabitants want
bow^inro. • mm.
to k orrow a quarter o«.
Mng the
ti roan ccfthfeS t)u .
-former at hfs funeral than at
his- wwifld.
Ilk* Boomer’s Way.
The man who deals In real estate
Bets quite a flow of speech;
He warn* you o'er It Is too late
Tb Jump Into the breaoh
And buy a farm or corner lot
That’s bound to rise In price
And make you wealthy on the spot
If you take his advice.
The bargains that are on his list
Are really quite a snap;
A chance for profit will bo missed
If over them you nap.
They’re always certain to advanoe,
Perhaps a hundredfold,
And you are missing one grand chance
By letting them get cold.
The crops his farms are bound to ralM
Of hay and rye and wheat,
Of oats, potatoes, clover, maze.
Cannot on earth be beat.
The town lots thnt he has for sale
tn tells the truth In a hofse
sign that he will never go
Are spacious In extent,
And If yqui hi
iuy you cannot fall
To turn an honest cent.
The man who handles western land
TurnB loose his silver tongue
And of their merits fair and grand
Leaves nothing,toft unsung.
The streets with milk and honey flow.
But when you go'to choosb
More likely you will find this so*
They run with woe and booze.
The Wrong Light
The light that Ilea In woman’s eyes
May fasolnato the youth.
The man who knows the sex prefers
The light that tells the truth.
It Is easy to loveart for arts rake
when there is money ta it
It takes the stomach and the pocket-
book some weeks to recover from
Ohrlstmaa.
A doctor is apt to be out of patience
when ho Is out of patients.
Wifn a man Is Just living to' save
funeral expenses the neighbors would
often chip ta If they knew his reason
for hanging around.
It Is not a very wise son that does
not know moro than his father.
In these days of tipping you even
have to tip the scales if you expect
them to tell your weight.
People who have money to burn don’t
havo to. They can afford tb buy coal.
When a girl has been named Gladdis,
by being very careful she can live it
down,
Toll never can tell what kind of love
letters a man will write by looking at
him. . •»
In northern Ja
pan a woman
paints a mus
tache on her up
per lip. In some
countries the
girls find a mus
tache there with
out resorting to
art.
Wh om d n.
trade- litr ib- *
to congress.
„„ „ i the birds to see what
It must ara*ro , and energy man ex-
an amount of thm. , {e flyln(! mac hines.
pends- trying' tv sash
' — 'isease, the man
If laziness- ib" a t has never had
misses- a good dealt wIk
It
“ , to whether
Thera Is some- doubt as purpose of
brain or hair culture- Is- the ,
a modern college-education.
Many a man- has- Been- sir?,
pangs of appendicitis- by being, tlx
to have an operation. . ...
In the absence of a man there may
be some comfort for an old maid ta a
lamp that smokes.'
Some men want credit for paying
their debts when they have to.
The man who only smiles when he
discovers that bis wlfo lias been cutting
her corns with his razor has no occa
sion to offer proof that he is ta lav-
-with her.
No man wants to marry a woman
who throws a stone like a man.
it —' I
After a man has bad thirteen chil
dren he quits telling bis friends about
their smart sayings.
from appearance, the man
ia at no etpbnse for elec
ta the me
trie light
The difference between a newspaper
man nfid a journalist is that one has
a job and the other Is looking for one.
A gteat Illusion Is Shattered the first
time a man sees a woman’s foot minus’
shoe and stocking. |
Always watch your nldorman. By
that means you may get next and 1
forco him to divide,
It Is seldom a grass widow can bo
accused of being grass color.
•*d the
> poor
yffofU Than a Flood.
“Talk About your high water,” said
Simon, who had just returned from a
trip to the metropolis. “I ran against a
case in New York that was worse than
anything I ever saw out west.”
"You don’t say! I didn’t read nothing
about that”
"They charged me 6 cents a glass for
a drink of It”
He Got Even.
The lady had a picture hat
The man behind was blue;
He heard her brag of this and that
And tell what she could do.
He listened to her Idle chat
And to her feeble wit
And said, "She’s talking through her
hat.
But I can’t see through It
Wouldn’t this
proposition to tax bachelors be a sort
of a single tax?
It isn't good form to ask a reformer
what there Is In it for him.
One way to win fame Is for two men
to get together on some kind of an Ism
and nominate themselves for president
and vice president
Hens vail not have to work so many
hours a day if the no breakfast fad be
comes general.
Weather prophets would not make so
many mistakes If they were entitled to
three guesses.
There Is money In chickens, as many
suburbanites know who havo put It
there.
Often the servant girl problem looks
quite different from the servant girl’s
side of It
When Poverty Pinched.
“How does Widow Bronson manage
to make both ends meet?”
“Poor woman! She doesn’t! She Is
obliged to make one end breakfast
food.”
Couldn't Set 'Em Up,
"Whore are you going, my pretty maid?"
"To get a glass of lemonade.”
"May I go-along, my pretty maid?”
"My credit won't stand for two, I’m
afraid."