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UNCLE
That you must have^a
oy the Postmaster General, If you
the R. F. D., We have for sale one of
That is approved
get your mail on
approved by the Postmaster
the market; latest
General. f¥n~
J. COOPER, Proprietor
.
The Progress.
Ptthlshed Every Thursday.
H D SMITH, Editor ami Publisher
Eu:.r;l at the I’lxtulbe in Vienna
(l:t., us raeonfl-olass nun I nuiUor.
It Is when the corner m'oeor cuts oft
credit Hint the trust iiuestlon is the
toast troublesome.
A mart tuny not bo ns Innoeont ns be
looks when his wife asks him to ex
plain just bow tbo races nre played.
As between n
man and a cigar
tbo elgiir often
bus tlie beat
dm wing powers.
Lots of lazy
people lose tbo
'comfort of tlrctr
temperament-by
working bard to
And excuses for
It.
If vegetables were ob Industrious as
weeds, gardening would cause men to
UBO less words not permissible In po
lite society.
It is only In theory tbnt tbo average
Man knows there Is plenty of room at
(be top.
A woman would rn(bor go shopping
than vote, unless Blie linB a new elec
tion suit
When they discover tlmt a microbe
causes drenins, whnt will you do for
cheap amusement?
In tbo spring the modern young man
does not have time to take Ills fancy
off money getting.
He Needed the Money,
"Let me sell you a letter written by
Abrnlmm Lincoln to my father.” said
jtbe seedy Individual. “It Is warranted
to bo 'genuine, and 1 only part with It
because I need the money.”
"What do you want for It?” asked
tlie prosperous looking citizen.
"One bundi't-d dollnrs; not a cent less,
and If I were not bard up mon
would not buy It."
“Give yon fifteen cents," r iu the
man cnrelcssly.
"It’s yours."
uni.
Tbe man took
over the change, di
vidual remnrki :; a. n ■ ; i "-holy
“Tbe time 1 si- n wrbina <l etb
really more Ilian tbnt."
• Uncle Has the Fad,
Of breakfast foods the list Includes
Varieties surprising;
As friends In nood lo health they lead
And with a speed surprising.
The chopped hay deal, tho riivv oatmeal
Prepared In Scottish highlands,
Supplant tried ham, but Uncle Sam
Makes his first meal on Islands.
He scorns to eat digested wheat.
Bran mash and combinations
That others take rich blood to make,
Whon they awako, for rations.
In Stronger stuff for Uncle bluff
His money Is Invested,
For Islands are with him at par
And easily digested.
Cut up ns slaw or eaten raw,
Or fried or boiled or basted,
And piping hot, they reach tho spot
A morsel not untasted.
Nor does he prate about his weight
And boost to every caller.
But he can pass bnfore the gloss
And watch hlniBelf grow taller.
To Give Him o Chance.
■ “What became of Tough Eddie, who
who went west to grow up with the ;
country?"
“They planted him.”
Didn't Apply to Him,
“What do you think of this theory
that we eat too touch?"
“It never originated at my boarding
house."'
A Warped View,
We eat to live,
Not live to eat.
But still at times
A man you meet
Who seems to thtalc f
Wo live to drink.
For Joy /
“Mr. Bunks, I’ll scream If y,ou kiss
me."
“Will you be so delighted as till
that?”
Just a Joint.
“At what cafe do you eat?"
, “Not at (fay. I only have enough
money to cat at a restaurant.”
"What would yon do If you were to
meet a holdup man?"
“Take bis gun iuvny tithl march him
to jail.”
"That Is what l thought l wdultl do,
too, until I met one."
She Never Knows It.
Full many a gem of purest ray serene,
That seems so splendid to the simple
lass,
May to the eyo for Imitations keen
Bs spotted us a piece of shiny glass.
PERT PARAGRAPHS
Bo clever, my
'Ivwst50,ooo j nn( i prob-
OLDYtUEKDM" 1
ably you will
be credited with
being good.
Harmony Promised.
“No,” said tbo beautiful yfaung girl.
"I cannot marry you, but I will be a
; sister to you.”
"Well," said the young man In de
pressed tones, “that should Insure nc-
cord in the family, for whnt sisters I
have ulreudy agree that you are not
good enough for me.”
Too Personal,
"What makes Jenkins abuse bis wife
and fnmlly?"
"1 don’t know. Why don’t you ask
him?”,
"I can't afford to spend any time In
tbo hospital Just now."
Changed Hands.
The band that rocks the oradle
Is all right In Its way,
But It's the hand that writes the checks
That rules the world today.
Some people
nre so cosmo
politan that
they Insist on
having measles
in more than
one language.
If time were really money, women
would never deny their years.
The Iceman begins to cast a menac
ing shadow.
A baby cries on general principles,!
It Is the only way It has of getting
back at the grownup community that
Insists ou chucking it around and
bouncing It about:
Seeing Is believing, but tt does not al
ways prove under which shell the pen
Is located.
Even a healthy boy sometimes thinks
that he would as soon be a professional
ball player ns a train robber.
Your modern prophet is not an ex
ample of faith without works. He
works tlie dear people to a finish.
He Got the Order,
“No. we don't. want to try a now, i
brand of cereal."
“One moment, inadani,” begged the
solicitor “This food is prepared'espe
cially for mon. It Is culled I’oneyup
and is intended lo rebuild' Ido depleted
system:; of otetvrocked business men.
It Is guaranteed to transform tho worst
dyspeptic into a jP'uicJ human hem.,',
pleasant enough lo please a club
woman. . • -
“It Is l'ui't-hei' warranted that a six
weeks' diet of this food will cause a
man to pny all his wlfe’.s hills prompt
ly, cheerfully nud without protest. lie
has been known lo urge upon his fain;.
Ily a visit to summer resorts; volun
tarily making handsome allowances
for all expenses. This Inst la not guar
anteed, and I only mention it to show
tho wonderful potentialities of I’oney-
up.
“However, wo do guarantee sueli
amiability ns will make hill paying a
pleasure and spring housoeloaulng a
continuous vaudeville or the money re
funded.”
“Bridget." said the lady, “see thut
tho storeroom is clean a nil. dry. You
may take my order for two tons of
Poneyup."
Appropriate.,
It seems the country's anthems
Aro Bomuwhnt In disgrace.
A new one on the dollar
Perhaps would fit the ease.
Would critics dare to call It trash
Suppose the theme were dummy cash!
Plenty to Choose From.
“Tho man 1 marry must be worth
$1,000,000.” x
“You forget that with such au
amount of money a man could take his
pick."
No Expensive Honors. ‘
"Do you think tho general will get
in the hall of fame?”
"Not if there Is any rent to puy, he
won’t."
SCHOLARSHIP FOR SALE
A scholarship in the Ga.-Ala .bus
iness college is for sale at this office.
There is a bargain in it.
Changed His Mind,
He feared he was not worthy of her,
Not fit to guard her life,
But that was when he' was her lover;
Not when she was his wife. .
Too Strong For Him.
"Did tho tramp eat those beans?"
“He refused them. Ho suid it was
too hard work to digest them.”
Easy,
"When Is an egg not au'egg?"
“That Is easy. When you buy It on
the bargain counter,!! >
Dr. Carlisle’s Liver Pills.
these pills ijeot n wnnt of tho people
that no patent pill can, supply, being the
intelligent administration of an otBcien
remedy. Wbeu tho elimination ol dta-
oasod matter is necessary, these pills have
no superior, especially in a Southern
climate, where the blood is so conltrr. i anted
with malarial poison.
No intelligent pliyslci:n will hesitate
fern moment to recommend these pills,,
the formula, which is invariubly approv od
by”the medical profession, being pri ntei
on each peonage.
Directions; For Torpid Liver, Dys
pepsia, Indigestion, Sick Ueadaohel <5 on-
stipution, Colds, Swimming in the head,
& o., me or two pills should be taken at
bedtime.
For Chills and Fever, Billious int
ermittent or continued Fever a full dcso
should ho. taken.
Asa laxatUcono to two pill at bodtlmo.
As a purge, two to threo "pills at bed tine.
DR. R. M. CARLISLE.,
MACK IN,
13,000 MILES FOR $26.
The Atlantic & Birmingham rail
way has placed on sale at its princi
pal Ticket Offices 1,000 Mile Tickets
at rate $25.00, goodjovfer the follow-
i ig lines:
Atlanta & Birmingham Air Line (By
Atlanta, Knoxville & Northern Ry,
Atlanta & Wnst Point R. R;
Atlantic & Birmingham Ry.
Atlantic Coast Line R. R.
Charleston & Western Carolii a Ry
Georgia-Railroad.
Louisville & Nashville R. R.
Nashville, Chattanooga & St. LouIb Ry^
Richmond, Fredericksburg & Potomac R|R
Seaboard Air Line Ry.
Washington'Southern l Ry.
Western'* Atlantic R. R.
Western Railway of Alabama. „ .
These Lines comprise 13,000
Miles of Railroads.
This ticket presents the cheapest
and most convenient form of travel,
H. O. McFADDEN,
General Passenger Agent.