Newspaper Page Text
n N -iV jSy~7T
■ A VIGOROUS WOOING.
■ Young Man—Sir. I have come to d»-
the hand of your daughter.
Sir! What do you mean.
Man —Her hand, sir. is the
f,i. HH my t ilence.
K 1 S-r -My! My! This insolence
George, call a police
■ Young Man —One moment, sir: You
liistake. I know nothing of your af-
Hiirs, and do not for a moment irnag-
Hie that you have been guilty of any
Brrong-doing. The silence 1 allude to
B of another sort. I am the young
fman who practises on the cortiet in
the house next door.
Banker—Oh! Take her. my son, and
be happy.
Couldn’t Manage It.
The doctor had looked at the pa
tient's tongue, taken his temperature,
felt his pulse, and was at the point
I of leaving the room, when he paused
to say to the sick man's wife:
'Madam, in addition to your giving
the medicine i have prescribed I wish
yon would see that every morning
your husband gets a shower bath.”
The woman looked worried. "But,
doctor,” she propounded, anxiously,
“what am I goin’ to do the mornin's
we don't have no showers?”
BENEATH HER.
CftKMMIm.
Grace —Did Gladys marry for love?
Helen —Oh! no. She Is too well bred
for that.
The Return Gift.
1 ipet a show girl, blonde and bright,
W As lively as a kitten,
rl gave her on her acts a hand,
L But she gave me the mitten.
!■$ The Modern Way.
of young men ou the Mar
1 let viaduct the other evening
new version of an old saw.
had passed a couple of au-
damsels one of the young
men took the stand at the curb and
gazed up and down the bridge.
“What are you looking for?" In
quired his companion.
Pointing to the red-headed girls, the
young man answered: ”i'm trying to
see a white automobile.” —Youngs-
town Telegram.
The Weeds Return.
“Confound these election bets, any
way!** grumbled Harker.
“Lose heavily?” Inquired his friend.
“No, I won ten boxes of cigars and
they were so rank I sold the whole lot
to the corner tobacconist for a dollar.’’
“Well, you made a dollar, anyway.”
“Yes, but that is not the worst of it.
My wife saw the boxes In the window
marked ‘A Bargain, s2,’ and bought
the whole lot to give me as a birth
day present.”
FRIENDLY INTEREST,
IGeunun Bakea.
Myrtle—Why do you persist in re
peating that awful scandal about
Grace?
i Marjorie—l'm trying to find out if
there is any truth in it.
The Milkmaid Explains.
“What are you doing, my pretty maid?”
"I’m watering the milk, kind sir,” she
■aid.
“But Isn’t that wrong, my pretty maid?”
"I’m drowning the microbes, sir,” she
said.
Much the Same.
Little Willie —Say, pa, Is there any
difference between a trust and a mo
nopoly?
Pa—Not much, my son. When a girl
feels that she can trust a young man
she is apt to want a monopoly on
him.
Perfectly Proper.
•‘What’s the next station, conduc
tor? ’
“It’a called ‘Old Glory,’ ma'am.”
“But why Is it called 'Old Glory?’”
"It’s a flag station."
MODERN OSCULATION.
Three, only three, my darling.
Sterilized, sanative, slow;
Not like the swift and careless ones
TVe used to know .
When we kissed because we loved each
other,
Simply to have some fun;
And lavished kisses as the summer
Lavishes sun.
But as they kiss whose Ups are sprayed
With antiseptic brine;
When nothing is left to give except
An anodyne.
The first kiss, oh, my darling
Is sprayed with germicide:
For many noxious little germs
In red Ups hide.
The second kiss, my darling,
Through antiseptic gauze, #
Is truly in accordance with
Hygienic laws.
The third kiss, oh, my darling,
M.v loce, I cannot see!
This fine wire mask is horrible
It seems to me.
And though, of course, azotic germs
We must forestall—
This one last kiss, my darling, Is
The worst of all!
—Carolyn Wells in Life.
Her Wonder.
“And are you Mr. Scribblington the
novelist?” asked the pretty young
widow, when he had been introduced.
"Yes, I am compelled to plead
guilty.”
"I am so glad to meet you. How
often I have read your books and
been filled with wonder.”
“It Is very flattering to hear you
say so.”
"! am afraid you don't quite under
stand me. You see I have written a
novel myself, and I have been filled
with wonder at your success in find
ing people to publish yours. Won't
you please tell me how you man
age it?”
Fly In the Ointment.
After years of saving they had at
last acquired a home of their own.
“Of course,'* said her husband, with
a sigh, "It’s nice to have our own lit
tle home, but—”
"But what, dear?" queried his wife
as he paused.
”1 miss our monthly scraps with the
landlord about the repairs which he
never would make and which we
never supposed he would.”
”A man needs very little to make
him happy,” said the ready-made
philosopher.
"Yes.” replied the habitual kicker,
"and when he gets even that it usual
ly turns out to be something that’s
more than it's worth.”
AS TO ENGAGEMENTS.
| y V '
Cynthia—l call it an automobile en
gagement.
Camille—What's an automobile en
gagement?
Cynthia—One that starts off all
right, but nobody’s quite dead sure
that it will be able to keep on going
His Happy Day.
The suburbanite will have his day—
Soon It will come to pass;
He'll never have to shovel snow
Nor mow the bloomin' grass.
r*
A Larger Audience.
"Yes,” mused the man who seemed
to be thinking aloud. "I have noticed
It.”
"Noticed what?” queried the inno
cent bystander.
"'That after a woman has acquired
a good speaking voice from jawing hei
husband she Is apt to turn suffragette
and jaw the public," answered the
noisy thinker.
A Fellow Worker.
“Yore hands don’t look as if yew
ever done any hard work,” said the
old farmer.
“I work with my head instead of
with my hands, sir,” replied the city
boarder, haughtily.
"Huh!” ejaculated the o. f. "I don’t
want no butters-in ’round here.”
Found Guilty.
Lenox—Would you call Tenby an
absent-minded fellow?
Bronx—Well, the other morning he
thought he had left his watch at home,
and then pulled it out of his pocket to
see if he’d have time to go back and
get it.—Brooklyn Life.
Omissions of History.
Pope Gregory was reforming the cal
endar year.
"Merely taking a stitch in time,” he
explained.
As evidence*that he did a good job
the fabric has held together fairly
well ever since.
A Tender Offer.
"Will you, dear madam, considet
this tender of my hand?”
"No, sir; your tender Is too tough a
proposition.”
SPEECHLESS
FOR THANKS
Arkansas Lady Cannot Say Enough
In Praise of Cardui, Which
Did Her a World
of Good.
Mena, Ark.—"l find Cardui to be all
you represent,” writes Mrs. H. B.
York, of this city. “I suffered for near
ly two years, before I tried your rem
edy. I have been so relieved since tak
ing Cardui. I cannot say enough in
its praise. It has done me a world of
good, and I recommend Cardui to all
women.”
Similar letters come to us every
day, from all over the country, telling
the same story of benefit obtained
from Cardui, the woman’s tonic.
This great remedy is over 60 years
old, and is more in demand today than
ever. Cardui has stood the test of
time. It Is the standard, tonic medi
cine, for women of every age.
The first thought, in female ail
ments.
Would you like to be well and
strong again? Then take Cardui. It
can’t possibly harm you, and Its record
Indicates that it ought to help you.
Have you poor health? Cardui has
assisted thousands of women to glow
ing good health. »
Do you lack strength? Cardui Is a
strength-building tonic for women.
Over a million women have bene
fited by its use. Can you think of any
good reason why you should not
try it?
Ask your druggist. He knows.
N. B Write to: Ladles’Advisory Dept..
Chattanooga Medicine Co., Chattanooga,
Tenn., for special Instructions, and 64-
page book, '‘Home Treatment for Wom
en,” sent In plain wrapper on request.
The Most Noticeable Change.
"So you have lived In Europe for 25
years? That’s a long time for a man
to be away from his own country.”
“Yes, It Is, and I’m mighty glad to
be home again.”
“I suppose you notice a great many
changes?”
“Yes, many.”
"What, If I may ask, Is the greatest
change that has come to your notice?”
“The greatest change. It seems to
me, Is to be found in the fact that the
vice-president of the United States
succeeds in getting his name in the
paper nearly as often as he might if
he were a baseball player or a prom
ising lightweight prizefighter.”
REST AND PEACE
Fall Upon Distracted Households
When Cuticura Enters.
Sleep for skin tortured babies and
rest for tired, fretted mothers Is found
In a hot bath with Cuticura Soap and
a gentle anointing with Cuticura Oint
ment. This treatment, in the major
ity of cases, affords immediate relief
in the most distressing forms of Itch
ing, burning, scaly, and crusted hu
mors, eczema, rashes, inflammations.
Irritations, chafings, of Infancy
and childhood, permits rest and sleep
to both parent and child, and points
to a speedy cure, when other remedies
fail. Worn-out and worried parents
will find this pure, sweet and econom
ical treatment realizes their highest
expectations, and may be applied to
the youngest infants as well as chil
dren of all ages. The Cuticura Rem
edies are sold by druggists every
where. Send to Potter Drug & Chem.
Corp., sole proprietors, Boston, Mass.,
for their free 32-page Cuticura Book on
the care and treatment of skin and
scalp of infants, children and adults.
The Family Growler.
"Why are you weeping, little boy?”
“I broke de pitcher.”
"Well, there’s no use crying over
spilt milk.”
‘G’wan! Dis wuz beer.” —Louis-
ville Courier-Journal.
TO DRIVE OFT MAI,A RIA
■ AND BUILD UP THE SYSTEM
Take the Old Standard (JItOVK’B TASTiCUMSS
CHILL TONIC. You know what you are taking.
The formula Is plainly printed on every bottle,
showing it Is simply Quinine and Iron in a taste
less form. The Quinine drives out the malaria
and tne Iron builds np the system. Bold by all
dealers for 110 years. Price 60 cents.
At the First Try.
"What do you think of my dough
nuts, George?”
“Dear, you are a wonder!”
"Do you think so, really, darling?”
“I certainly do. Scientists have
been trying for years to produce arti
ficial rubber, and here you do it the
first rattle out of the box.”
For COLDS and ORIP
TUcke* Capudine is the best remedy—re
lieves the aching and feverishness - cures the
Cold and restores normal conditions. It’a
liquid—effects Immediatly. 10c., 25c., and 50c.
At drug stores.
There are some rich men who have
made their fortunes honestly. Also
you may have heard of the needle in
the haystack.
Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing: Syrup for Children
teething:, softens the g:ums, reduces inflamma
tion, allays pain, cures wind colic, 25c a bottle.
It will never rain roses. It we want
Beware of taking kindness from
others as matters of course.—Glad
stone.
Anything left to be done at your
leisure seldom gets done —S. Martin.
You Look Prematurely Old
Beoauso of those ugly, grizzly, gray hairs. Use “LA CREOLE” HAIR RESTORER. PRICE. SI.OO, retail.
SUPPLY ALWAYS KEPT UP.
’
- -- --
If babies come down from heaven, mam
ma.
There’s one thing that’s sure, I de
clare—
There’s so many babies that come down
each day.
There can’t be race suicide there.
Completely Pauperized.
Albert W. Hebberd, New York's
pauperizing effect. This effect must
be avoided, or the recipients will all
“The great danger of charity is Its
become Jack Hanches.
“Jack Hanch, on tlie score of bad
charity expert, said at a recent din
ner:
health, never worked, and the pastor
of the Methodist church, a man whose
heart sometimes outran his head, sent
the idler and his family weekly gifts
of food and clothing—supported the
whole crew, in fact.
“A church visitor, after listening to
Jack's complaints one day, said:
“ ‘Yes, of course, you have had had
health, we know that; but one thing
at least you ought to be-thankful for,
and that is our pastor’s kindness in
sending you all this bread and meat
and jelly and blankets, and so on.
Don’t you think it is good of him to
look after you so wejl?’
“‘Good of hint?' said Jack, impa
tiently. ’Why, what’s he for?”’
Was Getting Monotonous.
A handsome woman who had been
so unfortunate as to find occasion to
divorce not one but several husbands
was returning from Nevada. In Chi
cago she happens to meet her first
husband, for whom, by the way, she
always has entertained a real affec
tion.
“Upon my soul, if it isn't Charlie!’’
exclaimed the ex-wife, cordially shak
ing hands with the gentleman whose
name she formerly had borne. "I'm
awfully glad to see you, Charlie!”
Then, after a wistful expression had
come to and been banished from her
countenance, she added:
"Old chap, I’ve often wondered
where you were and what you were
doing. It was too bad we didn’t get
on better together. I hope your ex
perience hasn’t been as unpleasant as
mine. I’in just sick and tired of mar
rying strangers!”
“I fell and sprained my arm
and was in terrible pain. I
could not use my hand or arm
without intense suffering until
a neighbor told me to use
Sloan’s Liniment, The first
application gave me instant
relief and I can now use my
arm as well as ever.” —Mrs. H.
B. Springkr, 921 Flora St.,
Elizabeth, N..J.
SLOANS
LINIMENT
is an excellent antiseptic and germ
killer heals cuts,
burns, wounds, and
contusions, and will
draw the poison
from sting of poi
sonous insects.
280., 60c. and SI.OO
Slo&n's book on
horse*, cattle, «heep
and poultry sent free.
Address
Dr. Earl S. Sloan,
Boiton, Man., V. 8. A.
1
m
|gg{
Honored by Women
When ■ woman speaks of her ~. .
tileDt secret *uffti3f4.*Zhe
trusts you. MillionsrlaVe be- jjafckfe./-' 0*
stowed this mark of confi
dence on Dr. R. V. Pierce, 4g§S’ A« jt*’ •
of Buffalo, N. Y. Every
where there are women who
bear witness to the wonder
working, curing-power of Dr.
Pierce's Favorite Prescription
which sa\ es the sujje-nng sex "jM HgUgg''
from pain, and successfully Ajar *
grapples with woman’s weak
nesses and stubborn ills.
IT MAKES WEAK WOMEN STRONCI
IT HAKES SICK WOMEN WELL.
No woman’s appeal was ever misdirected or her con
fideuce misplaced when she wrote for advice, to
the World’s Diszbnsary Mbdical Association, Dr.
R. V. Pierce, President, Buffalo, N. Y.
l
javorjtF
BHj§
Ue"rsfi tea
Hg#
Dr. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets Induce mild natural bowel movement ones a day.
|||f| *l4 niEN Uncle Sam puis hi* 0K on anything I
aSjfl VY il stands lor current value and superior Kfjjs
IPP4 worth; good as coin 0! ihe realm. It is so
Bl|| M vi\h Snowdrift Hogless Lard. Every
WmSk KmES can is U. S. Inspected and Passed and is so labeled.
3515ff13 bCuH Don’t buy unless you see it on the can. StIOZV- H
ilg£g| I1\ ! ’1 H?i ; i 33i MM drift Hogless Lard is the best shortening ISnjH;
vrt Hnullill illßrS Hi known lor superior results in cooking.and health- HSrajj
lulbcnelits upon loods and digestion. Made by H
110 SIS THF, SOUTHERN COTTON OIL CO. §ll
|m|P New York, Savannah, New Oriean*. Chicairo Hj
THE MALARIA MONSTER
If the mosquito were as big as it is bad, it would darken
the air like a gigantic death-breathing dragon. Each sting
of a mosquito sows the germs of malaria. These germs
multiply with wonderful rapidity. I hen come chills and
fever with other forms of malaria that undermine the health
and sap the strength.
OXIDINE
—a bottle proves.
It is the modem malaria medicine and the one sure
antidote for malaria poisoning. It kills the chills. It
quenches the fever fires. It stamps out the cause and
consequences of the disease. That’s only the beginning of
helpful healing work of OXIDINE. It builds up the body,
revitalizes the system, enriches the blood, tones up the
stomach, bowels, liver and kidneys. OXIDINE puts the
body on a fighting footing of superb health.
The tonic qualities of OXIDINE make it the best
medicine for all weak, run down, thin, pale persona It is
the best body-building tonic money can buy.
50c at Your Dealer’s
PATTON-WORSHAM DRUG CO., M!rs„ Dallas. Texas.
That Cold Room
which can be kept at full or low heat for a short or long time.
Four quarts of oil will give a glowing heat for nine hours,
without smoke or smell.
An indicator always shows the amount of oil in the fonr.
Filler-cap does not screw on; but is put In like a cork in a bottle,
and is attached by a chain and cannot get lost.
An automatic-locking flame spreader prevents the
wick from being turned high enough to smoke, and is easy to
remove and drop back so that it can be cleaned in an instant.
The burner body or gallery cannot become wedged, and can be unscrewed
tn an instant for rewicking. Finished in japan or nickel, strong, durable, well
made, built for service, and yet light and ornamental. Has a cool handle.
Dealert Everywhere. If no/ at yours, write for descriptive circular 1
yij.-.nay to the nearest agency of the
Standard Oil Company
w (Incorporated)
Queen’s High.
"Does Bliggins ever bluff when he
plays cards?”
“Never until he gets home and ex
plains where he has been.’’
We often hear the expression, “as
poor as a church mouse.” But even a
church mouse doesn't have to live on
the collections.
on the side of the house where
winter blasts strike hardest always
has a lower temperature than tne
rest of the house. There are times
when it is necessary to raise the
temperature quickly or to keep the
temperature up for a long period.
That can’t be done by the regular
method of heating without great
trouble and overheating the rest of
the house. The only reliable
method of heating such a room
alone by other means is to use a
Perfection
Smokeless a
Absolutely smokeless and odorless
■ A ■ Instant relief and pt»«.
A V I U ft litve cure. Tnai ifuimtnl
#4«J I II VvlM ,n * il " i,r " I’r.Klu.man
■ ■ w ■ mauX arb Box ti2U, \ntunta..
ui-tHhompoon’sEyeWater
p 4 OU If you want cn**h for your business, corporis*
UMOII tlon, stock, patent, o”Either property, addreat
NOHITIWKSTKILN HISaaK-.S AGK.NCY, ninneayolU, IlumM
W. N. U., ATLANTA, NO. 44-1910,