Newspaper Page Text
Qood Jokes
WAR A LA MODE.
The Intrepid general was rallying
her wavering female troops.
"Women," she cried, “will you give
way to mannish fears?”
A muffled murmur of Indecision ran
through the ranks.
“Shall it be said that we are clothed
In mail armour?” shrieked the gen
eral.
The murmur became a mumble.
“Will you,” fiercely demanded the
general, "show the white feather In a
season when feathers are not being
worp V
* The effect was electrical.
"Never!” roared the soldiery. And,
forming themselves fast into battle
array, they once more hurled them
selves upon the enemy.
An Optimist.
Young Son (to mother, who has just
been invited to join the Optimistic
Club of America) —Mamma, dear, what
Is an optimist?
Fond Mother—An optimist, my son,
is a poor woman who lives In a mil
llon-dollar mansion, keeps one hundred
servants or more, has two or three
agents who do nothing but hunt up
some new way for her to spend her
Income, and can, in spite of all this,
look into the future with a sweet smile
and a brave heart. —Clarke’s Book
Herald.
HIS PROGRESS.
He—Has Ferdy proposed to Grace
Yet?
She —No; she says he’s only pro
gressed far enough to sit and stare at
her.
The Wise Maid.
A lot of men have family trees.
And of them loudly rant;
But I would rather wed a man
Who has a business plant.
► 4
Very Romantic.
Gunner —Some romantic writer con
tends that this is the season married
men are blessed with loving post-
Iscripts at the end of the letters they
receive from their wives.
Guyer—l would like to shake that
writer's hand. You should see the
loving postscripts I receive from my
wife.
Gunner —Ah! Something very ro
jmantic, eh?
Guyer—l should say so; "Feed the
cat and w’ater the plants."
Across the Hall.
"Say, Snibbs, let me use your
I'phone, will you?”
"Sure. What’s the matter with
yours?”
"It’s all right. I want to telephone
to my wife that I’m going to bring a
’man from out cf .o-'n to dinner.”
"Well?”
"He’s sitting In my room now and
I hate to have him watch my face
when my wife tells me what she
thinks of the proposition."
CHEEKY.
Miss Charmin—You’ve a good mind
to kiss me? Well, I must say I ad
mire your cheek!
Fargorn—And I like yours. That’s
why I've a good mind to kiss you.
Wasted Effort.
What’s the use to worry?
If poverty's a disaster
Growling will not hurry
Fortune any faster.
How He Departed.
"Norah, you told Mr. Spoonamore I
Was not at home, did you?”
"I did, Miss Cairpenter.”
"And I suppose he left in a towering
Indignation?”
"No, mem; he left in an ortymobile.”
Providing.
"Don’t you believe In allowing every
man to follow his own bent?”
"Well, not if crooked.” ,
INDIAN SUMMER.
In the mellow Indian summer
Lie the meadows calm and still.
Smiling as the peaceful plumber
When you settle up his bill.
Just about the middle distance
There’s a mule devouring hay:
Doesn’t seem to want assistance.
So you’d better keep away.
Far above with wing that quickens
Floats a hawk of piercing eye
While he scans the ground for chickens
That the farmer wants to fry.
In the thicket hides the rabbit.
Shy as any startled fawn;
If you have the hunting habit
You can gamble he is on.
In the woods are reds and yellows
Blazing every way you turn.
Soon, I think, these farmer fellows
Will have autumn leaves to burn.
Rare and radiant Indian summer
On the blue hills far away.
Here or there, you are a hummer.
So we wish that you would stay.
Strenuous Maid.
The fresh drummer approached the
old farmer who was sitting on an up
turned tub sunning himself.
"Deuced pretty daughter you have,”
said the drummer, boldly. “Where
has she been during the past year?”
"Up in a town college learning thlS
here physical .culture,” responded the
old man.
"And has it been of an£ service to
her?”
“I should say so, stranger. She has
done up six chicken thieves, tossed
four tramps out of the yard and made
two sassy hired men run for their
lives. She also makes a specialty of
doing up fresh drummers, so I would
advise you to move on.”
And the fresh drummer moved.
One Use for Them.
Postmistress —Then you like those
town nieces to send you those new
fangled souvenir postal cards made
out of leather?
Uncle Weatherby—By heck, yes; I
ain’t so ; .uch on sentimental cyards,
but when they are made out of leather
they come in handy to mend boots
with.
Waste. *
Dorothy was visiting her grandpar
ents in the country for the first time.
Seeing a quantity of feathers scat
tered about the henyard she shook
her head in disapproval.
"Grandpa,” she said, gravely, “you
really ought to do something to keep
your chickens from wearing out so."
—The Delineator.
NIGHT IN MERMANVILLE.
Mrs. Mermaid —Did you put out the
catfish?
Mr. Mermaid —Yes, but if that dog
fish doesn't quit his baying at the
moonflsh I’ll never get any sleep.
Rises to the Occasion.
It's when the couhtry’s all agog
With politics, and statesmen full.
That each small criticising soul
Feels certain that he knows It aIL
A Correction.
"Now, Caroline,’’ said the teacher of
the infant class in a certain Sunday
school, "it’s your turn. What does
your little card say?”
Caroline climbed off her chair and
stood looking earnestly at the teacher
while she explained: "My card is
wrong, Miss Appleton. It zays, 'Watch
and pray,’ and It should say, ‘Watch
and chain.’ ” —Life.
Method In Her Breakage.
"Augusta is an awfully bright girl,
isn’t she?”
“Yes, indeed. When she is read
ing a novel on the front porch her
mother never thinks of asking her to
wash the dishes.”
“Why not?”
“She’s sure to break so many of
them.” .
Ideal and Real.
“Oh, Peter, what have you been do
ing? Didn’t you promise me faithful
ly that you would be a good boy?”
“Yes, mother, but something always
happens to prevent me.”—Fliegende
Bfaetter.
One Man’s Knowledge.
"As the poet says,” remarked the
garrulous barber, "art is long.”
”1 guess the poet was right,” re
joined the victim in the chair. “Any
way, the tonsorial art seems to be
long-winded.”
Not Always.
"All is not gold that glitters,” quoted
the moralizer.
“No,” rejoined the demoralizer,
"and neither is about 95 per cent, of
what is estimated as gold in a mlnjng
prospectus.”
What About Him?
The talk had gone back and fro, and
the youthful socialist had been an
nouncing that no man ought to get his
living by cheating, and we all listened
to him, and agreed that it was dread
ful when men and women did not tell
the truth, but tried to make their liv
ing by deceiving people. Millionaires,
landowners, financiers, we sacrificed
all of them who cheat the public. “No
one should make a living by decep
tion,” said the young man. Then a
quiet voice from a woman came from
the corner of the sofa. "What about
the conjurer?”—London Chronicle.
AWFUL BURNING ITCH CURED
IN A DAY
“In the middle of the night of March
JOth I woke up with a burning itch in
my two hands and I felt as if I could
pull them apart In the morning the
itching had gone to my chest and dur
ing that day it spread all over my
body. I was red and raw from the top
of my head to the soles of my feet and
I was in continual agony from the
itching. I could neither lie down nor
sit up. I happened to see about Cuti
cura Remedies, and I thought I would
give them a trial. I took a good bath
with the Cutlcura Soap and used the
Cuticura Ointment I put It on from
my head down to my feet and then
|<vent to bed. On the first of April I
felt like a new man. The itching was
felmost gone. I continued with the
Cuticura Soap and Cuticura Ointment
and during that day the itching com
pletely left me. Frank Gridley, 325
East 43rd Street, New York City, Apr.
27, 1909.” Cuticura Remedies are sold
throughout the' world; Potter Drug &
Chem. Corp., Sole Props, Boston, Mass.
Getting a Reputation.
There is a desk in the senate par
ticularly convenient as a place from
which to make speeches. It Is next to
the aisle and almost in the center of
I the chamber, and affords an opportu
nity for the speaker to make every
| body hear.
At least a dozen senators, accord
ing to the Washington correspondent
! of the St. Louis Star, have borrowed
I this desk when they had special utter
| ances to deliver to the senate. This
j led, not long ago, to a mild protest
Horn its legitimate occupant
“I am perfectly willing to give up
my desk,” said he. “but I am afraid
people will think that the same man
Is talking all the time. I don't want
! to get the reputation of constantly
j jailing the senate with words." —
! Youth’s Companion.
The Key to Germany.
Capt. Charles King, the author,
: praised, at the Milwaukee club, the
German element in Milwaukee's pop
ulation.
“I know a soldier,” said Captain
King, “who met the kaiser last year
in Berlin.
“ ‘You have a thorough knowledge
of our best thought and customs,’ said
the kaiser. ‘Have you ever been to
Germany before?’
“ ‘O, yes, sir,’ said the soldier.
“ ’What cities have you visited? Ber
lin and Hamburg?’ asked the kaiser.
“ ‘No, sir,’ said the soldier. ‘Mil
waukee.’ ”
Free Cure for Rheumatism and Bone
Pains.
Botanic Blood Balm (B B. B.) cures
the worst cases of rheumatism, bone
pains, swollen muscles and joints, by
purifying the blood and destroying the
uric acid in the blood. Thousands of
cases cured by B. B. B. after all other
treatments failed. Brice SI.OO per large
pottle at drug stores, with complete direc
tions. Large sample free by writing Blood
Balm Go., Atlanta, Ga., Department B.
Lovemaking and Practice.
The only way to become an expert
at lovemaking is to practice. This
was the information handed out to a
j handful of hearers by the Hindu phil-
I osopher, Sakharam Ganesh Pandit, in
a lecture on “The Science of Love.”
“Love is a divine discontent,” said
the philosopher, “and if you want to
arouse love in others it can be done
only by giving them love. How to
develop the emotion of love in another
is the great question of today—the art
of making love. It needs a great deal
| of study and a great deal of prac
tice.”
Mutual Expectations.
A notoriously close-fisted man was
taking his golfing holiday in Scotland,
where he hoped to Improve his game,
and, by driving a hard bargain, had
managed to secure the exclusive serv
ices of a first-class caddie, who was
known to be a very good player.
“Mind, now,” said the ambitious
southerner, “I expect to receive some
really good tips from you during my
stay here, you understand?” “Aye,”
replied the Scotsman, hitching up the
heavy bag, ‘‘an’ Ah’m expectin’ the
like frae ye, ye ken.” —Golf Illustrated.
A good honest remedy for Rheumatism,
Neuralgia and Sore Throat ia Hamlins
Wizard Oil. Nothing will so quickly drive
out all pain and inflammation.
If you would be pungent, be brief;
for it is with words as with sunbeams
—the more they are condensed, the
deeper they burn.—Southey.
Hrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup for Children
teething, softens the gums, reduces inflamma
tion. allays pain, cares wind colic, 25c a bottle.
A catalogue of vices never led any
one into virtue.
You Look Prematurely Old
i jfcu:; u/i l mi !
HIS LIVELIHOOD AT STAKE
Certainly Candidate for Governor
Could Not Expect to Get
That Vote.
An Incident In which former Gov
ernor Odell of New York figured as
the victim was told by Col. James
Hamilton Lewis at a recent banquet.
“When Governor Odell was last
running for office,” said Colonel Lew
is, "there had been a great deal of
talk about Niagara Falls and the elec
trical power that could be conferred
on all parts of New York. One day
an old negro halted Mr. Odell and
said:
“ ‘Mr. Odell, is yo’ runnin’ for gov’-
ner, sah?’
" ‘I am,’ answered the candidate.
“‘I guess yo’ want my vote, den,’
said the colored man.
” ‘Well, I would like to have your
vote, Zeb. I have known you for so
many years.’
“ ‘Well, I jist want to ask you a
question, Mr. Odell, befo’ I give mah
vote to you. Are yo’ for electric lights
in dis town?’
“Well, Zeb, I am for all modem im
provements,’ said Odell, with a slight
flourish.
“ ‘Well, sah, I can’t vote for you,’
said Zeb with firmness. ‘Yo’ done for
get dat I is a lamp lighter.’ ”
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His Defense.
It was shortly after midnight, and
the colonel had caught Rastus red
handed.
“Well, Rastus, you old rascal, you,”
said he, “I’ve caught you at last. What
are you doing in my henhouse?”
“Why, Marse Bill,” said the old man,
“I —I done heerd such a cacklin’ in dis
yare coop, dat I—l thought mebbe de
ole hen done gon iay an aig, an’ I —l
wanted ter git it fo’ you’ breakfas’
while it was fresh, suh.” —Harper’s
Weekly.
TRY MURINE EYE REMEDY
for Red, Weak, Weary, Watery Eyes
andGranulatedEyelids. Murine Doesn’t
Smart —Soothes Eye Pain. Druggists
Sell Murine Eye Remedy, Liquid 25c,
50c, SI.OO. Murine Eye Salve in
Aseptic Tubes, 25c, SI.OO. Eye Books
and Eye Advice Free by Mail.
Murine Eye Remedy Co., Chicago.
“Off Day” of Favorite.
Chapley—How did she happen to
refuse you; I thought you were her
favorite?
Washley—Well, the favorite didn’t
win, that’s all.
The Exception.
"Doesn’t your husband like cats,
Mrs. Blnks?”
“No, Indeed. He hates all cats ex
cept a little kitty they have at his
club.”
For COLDS find GRIP
Hicks’ Capudine is the best remedy—re
lieves the aching and feverishness—cures the
Cold and restores normal conditions. It’s
liquid—effects lmmediatly. 10c., 25c., and 60c.
At drug stores.
They who talk much of dying are
usually dead already.
Weak Heart
yr Many people suffer from weak hearts. They may experi
m tth |pMEk ence shortness of breath on exertion, pain over the heart,
■ or dizzy feelings, oppressed breathing after meals or their
m ' M eyes become blurred, their heart is not sufficiently strong
y 0 pump blood to the extremities, and they have cold hands
V and feet, or poor appetite because of weakened blood supply
to the stomach. A heart tonic and alterative should be taken
which has no bad after-effect. Such is Dr. Pierce’s Golden
■gj Medical Discovery, which contains no dangerous narcotics
nor alcohol.
The ingredients, as attested under oath, are Stone mot (Codlnsonla Canaden
als), Dloodroot ( Sanrulnarla Canadensis), Golden Seal root (Hydrastis Canaden
sis), Queen’s root ( Stllllorla Sylvatlca), Black Cherrybark (Pruoui Virginians ),
Mandrake root (Podophyllum Peltatum), with triple refined glycerine, prepared
In a scientific laboratory in a way that no druggist could imitate.
This tonio contains no alcohol to shrink up the red blood corpuscles ; but, on
the other hand, it increases their number and they become round and healthy.
It helps the human system in the constant manufacture of rich, red blood. It
helps the stomach to assimilate or take up the proper elements from the food,
thereby helping digestion and curing dyspepsia, heart-bnrn and many uncom
fortable symptoms, stops excessive tissue waste in convalescence from fevers;
for the run-down, ansemic, thin-blooded people, the “ Discovery ” is refreshing
and vitalizing. Stick to thii safe and sane remedy, and refuse all ‘ ‘ just as good ”
medicines offered by the druggist who is looking for a larger profit. Nothing
but Dr. Pieroe’s Golden Medical Discovery will do you half as much good.
PUTNAM FADELESS DYES
Color more goodi brighter and loiter colors then any other dye. One 10c packege colore all libers. They dye In cold water better than any other dye
You eon dye any garment without ripping apart. Writ# lor Iraa bogklot-How tg Dya. Bleach and Mia Colors. MONROE DRUB 00., Quincy, ////«,?/•.
A Hot Time.
“That fellow cooked his reports.”
"I suppose that is how he happened
to get into a stew.”
Some people treat the sermon as a
table d’hote dinner, picking out the
things that will not agree with them
NOT A PENNY TO PAY
MUNYON’S
EMINENT DOCTORS AT YOUR SERVICE FREE
We sweep away all doctor’s charges. We put the best medical talent
within everybody’s reach. We encourage everyone who ails or thinks
he ails to find out exactly what his state of health is. You can get our
remedies here, at your drug store, or not at all, as you prefer; there is
positively no charge for examination. Professor Munyon has prepared
specifics for nearly every disease, which are sent prepaid on receipt of
price, and sold by all druggists.
Send to-day for a copy of our medical examination blank and Guide
to Health, which we will mail you promptly, and if you will answer all
the questions, returning blank to us, our doctors will carefully diagnose
your case and advise you fully, without a penny charge.
Address Munyon’s Doctors, Munyon’s Laboratories, 53d & Jefferson
Streets, Philadelphia, Pa.
Mrs. Cook Says
“There is not much pleasure in life,” writes Mrs. J. J
D. Cook, of Crane, Mo., if one has to be sick all the time. I
So many women suffer from girlhood on, all through life, I
who could be spared such suffering, and live in comfort, I
if they would only try Cardui, the woman’s tonic, as 1 did. I
1 was only 16 years old when I first took Cardui. Now,
I am 39. Whenever I was poorly or felt real bad, Cardui
always brought me out all right. 1 have faith in it. I know
what it has done for me, and I have seen what it has
done for others.”
The Woman’s Tonic
Nearly everybody knows what Cardui will do for weak j
women. For more than 50 years, it has been in success- |
ful use in the treatment of women’s ills.
Thousands of enthusiastic, truthful, unbiased women
have written to tell of the help this remedy has been to
I them. Do you still hesitate to take Cardui for your
I troubles? If so, why? Read what others say, and at
! least give it a trial. It may be just what you need.
W. L. DOUGLAS/^
*3 ’3S & »S 4 SHOES &°wom!n k - _
Boys* Shoes, $2.00,42.50 & $3.00. Best in the World. lip
W. L. Oouplaa 53.00. $3.80 and $4.00 ahoaa .< / WJaf
are poahlvely the beet made and meat pop - ii
ufmr mhoea tor the price In America , and are [yj
the moat economical aboaa for you 10 buy . :
Do you realize that my shoe* have been the standard for over JT
80 years, that I make and Hell more #3.00, 83.50 ami #4.00 J l
shoes than any other manufacturer In the U. 8., and that DOL- '--UJ
EAR FOR DOLLAR, I GUARANTEE MY SHOES to hold tlielr yk
shape, look and fit better,and wear longer t ban any other #3.00, JEIL
53./S0 or #4.00 a hoe* you run huv ? Oualltv counts. It has ■/ \j\ HvttV
made my shoo* THE LEADERS OF THE WORLD, J
You will be pleased when you buy my shoes because of the
fit and appearance, and when it comes time for you to pur- f * rf w / *
chase another pair, you will be more than pleased because Douolas
the last ones wore so well, and gave you so much comfort r > / .shoe Co
CAUTION! name And price damped on the bottom. TAKE NO SUBSTITUTE
If your dealer cannot supply yon with W. L. Douglas Shoes, write for Mail Order Catalog
W. L. IM>l txLAS. 145 Spark fcireet, Uruckton, Mass.
fThe Rayo Lamp is a hijjh grade lamp, sold at a low price.
There are lamps that cost more, but therel s no better lamp made at any
pneo. Constructed of Bolld brass; nickel plated—east ly kept clean; an
ornament to any room In any house. There 1 s nothing known to the art
of lamp-making that can add to the value of the KAYO Lamp as a light
giving device. Every dealer everywhere. If not at yours, write tot
descriptive circular to the nearest agency of tho
STANDARD OIL COMPANY (Inc.rporat.d)
r ” DISTEMPER
* *** ***& & Catarrhal Fever
„_.? aro<ru U. al y! po ?l** Te pre-entire. no matter how horror .t *n— rtrpe aro Infected
~!' ? U <l 'K. l *•» T" lh ,? * c, neuo i act* on the Blood and Glandr: expelr the
.2!?| « bodT ' C urr5 >’ l »temper In Doer and Sheep and Cholera In
e-.EAT* 1* Te L”** r ? n ’ ( '" r ™ L. Grippe amonk human being,
and Ira One Kidney rem„lX. s<>c md *1 a bottle, fft and •Tda doeeS. Cutthl.o™
11 '“ "Birtemper.
SPOHN MEDICAL CO., B C ,»IX GOSHEN, HID., U. S. A.
ROOSEVELTS OWN BOOK
‘•African Game Trails’*
Wanted 1 by thousands for Christina* Jew
Years. Needed 1 A man in every place icfimjia it
to tho families in his locality. Offered 1 Monop
oly of fi» ld and high Commission. Take the great
chance and write for prospectus now to CHARLES
SCRIBNER’S SONS. 153 (R. S.) Fifth Avenue.
New York.
BM. SABEL & SONS, |
■ LOl ISVII LK, it. 11l I la]rW
M Dralent la Furs, Hides, B| n R
VkWool. KutsbJisbed 1950. gj Qgg |
NEW MADRID SEED CORN
Specially neleoted, extra clean and pure. Both
white and yellow. Put up in even weight sacks.
Car Lots a Specialty.
Jaspar Newsuin & Co„ New Madrid. Mo.
W. N. U., ATLANTA, NO. 45-1910.