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MIRTHFUL YARNS.
HUMOROUS SKETCHES FROM
VARIOUS SOURCES.
Why He Went Away — Left All
Around—No Chance for the
Presidency— Won der
fuJ Machine.
Cholly (trying to be funny; time, 11
r. m.) —“I say, Aurelia, tell me what is
the difference between that clock and
me.”
Aurelia (artlessly)—“You tell me.”
Cholly—“Because it is not fast and I
—ha! lia! See the point?”
Aurelia (as before)—“Oh! yes; but
there’s another difference. The clock is
not going and you lie! he! See the
point?”— Call.
Jjofr all Around.
“Wd!,” observed the bank president
to the leading director, “the cashier
seems to have cleaned out things pretty
thoroughly.” he?”
“Where is
“Gone to Canada.”
“Then the bank is left,” replied the
director, ruefully. responded the president with
“Yes,” cS
sigli,” and that is about all. he did leave. P
—New York 0rapine.
So Clianee for t lie Presidency.
< t Mamina,” saida little Fifth ward boy
lugubriously the other day, as he laid
down a volume of biographical believe sketches I’ll
of the Presidents, “1 don’t
be a President. I ain’t got the chance, I
wasn’t brung up right.”
“Why, child, you have the same
chance that other little boys have.”
“No, 1 ain’t; I wasn’t born in a log
cabin, nor 1 ain’t drove a team on the
canal, nor had to read the spellin’ had book
by the light of nothin’ a pine knot, the nor to
split rails, nor like rest of the
boys who got there. I tell you,mother,
I’m handicapped on this Presidential
question .”—Elmira Gazette.
The Sewing Circle’s Noble Work.
Hobbs—“1 do envy you ladies the
pleasures of the sewing circle. Just
think, too, of the vast good accomplished the
bv your nimble fingers, for all poor.”
Mrs Fogg—“Yes, wo are so inter¬
ested in the work. I don’t believe you
could keep any of us away from the meet¬
ings, Hobbs—“What ” is the result of the
ses¬
sions of the winter, so far?”
Mrs. Fogg—“Well, we've decided
that the minister’s wife is a lazy, good
for-nothing woman; that unless young
Spriggs proposes to Miss Brown soon,
old Brown will be justified in using stern
measures; that Mrs. Bangle is a deceitful
woman in telling around that her bonnet
cost $25 when it didn’t cost any such
money, for Mrs. Ham bought one almost
as good for $5; that Miss Barnes
is the homliest woman in town,and a few
other things of minor about importance. resolved Then, de¬
beside this, we've to
vote two weeks of next winter to sewing
for the poor of the village. — Tid-Bits.
A Wonderful Machine.
“A wonderful machine” is thus de¬
scribed by a writer in Mechanical Pro¬
gress: When I was laying the founda¬
tion of my mechanical fame and fortune
a few years ago, I boarded in a house
filled with locomotive engineers and fire
men. A practice prevailed with there of en¬
livening the supper table social con¬
versation, and, the locomotive party
being in the stupendous majority, the leading theme
of talk was feats performed
in railway runs, varied by minor inci¬
dents and records of narrow escapes.
George Dewhirst, who ran a lathe in the
shop, sat opposite to me at the table, and
he got tired of being excluded from the
conversation. He became ambitious to
hear himself talk in that crowd. One
evening, catching on a lull in the con¬
versation, he called out loudly tome.
“Well, I went over and saw that ma¬
chine to-day, and it is astonishing the
fiae work it’ does!”
» » How does it work?” I inquired.
“Well,” said he. “by means of a pedal
attachment a fulerumed lever converts a
vertical reciprocating motion into circu¬
lar movement. The principal part of
the machine is a dise which revolves rap¬
idly on a vertical plane. Power is ap¬
plied through the axis of the dise, and,
when the speed of the driving arbor is
moderate, the periphery velocity. of the machine is
is traveling at great Work
doueonthis steel periphery. impact Pieces reduced of the
hardest are by mere
to any shape the earth skillful operator desires.”
“What on is the machine?” de
manded a listener.
“Oh! it is a new grindstone,” replied
George; and a silence that could be felt
passed round the supper table.
He Had Been Invited.
“Good morning, Mr. Johnson,” said a
young man to an elderly and near-sighted
passenger, who had come off without hi*
glasses; “going up to town?”
“Yes; got to do a lotof trading at the
stores an’ I don’t know how on airth I’ll
get along without my glasses.”
“Getting ready for the wedding, I
suppose.” darter is goin’ git
“Yes; my Emmer to
married. She an’ that good-for-notliin’
Hank Williams hev made a match of it
at last. I thought that young man would
never get down to business, lie’s as slow
as sorghum molasses in January, and as
shiftless as an rnjun. I don’t believe he
can earn his salt, an’ I s’pose I’ll have to
support him.”
“But, Mr. Johnson—”
“Oh, he’s good enough for Emmer.
That’s the worst giri I ever raised, She
hain’t a bit like her mother, nor like me.
nut her. A fine poor man’s wife she’ll
make. Beside, she hez bunions on her
feet as bigas early rose Aft’ potaters, ain’t an’ she
kin eat more’n a boss. that the
worst on’t. If twan’t for her mother that
girl wouldn’t keep herself clean, and she
never thinks o’ slickin’ up her hair nor
puttin’ on somethin’ nice ’cept when
company’s expected. She’s a reg’lar
slouch, Emmer is, an’ she kin wear out
seven pair of shoes a year, But she’-'
good enough for that Hank Williams, an 1
if he only supports her I’ll be glad to git
her off my hands. S’pose you’ve got an
invite to the weddin’?”
i i Yes, I’m invited. You don’t seem to
know me, Mr. Johnson?”
“Yea, I do, but I can’t just place you
Le’ me'see—I haven’t got my glasses with
me—but I know you. Your name is—
is—”
“Hank Williams, sir.”— Chicago Her¬
ald.
Fifty Years Ago.
A stray copy of the Christian Advocate
and Journal and Zion's Herald gives a
strange glimpse of the world in 1822. It
is dated August 10. Cholera raged in
New York, and carried off one hundred
persons a day. * A subscriber in Edin¬
burgh, Scotland, complains of the postal
authorities, who so detained his papers
that seven copies came to him at once,
for which he was charged £1 11s. lOd.
postage. A little colony had daringly
departed for “the remote river of Ore¬
gon,” by way of Vera Cruz and Acapulco.
The report or a fight in Texas stands un¬
der the heading “Foreign Intelligence.”
The paper has several allusions to “the
enter| rise of modern times;” and con¬
denses a report recently published by
Congress “on the use of steam-carriages vehicle is
on common roads.” A new
described, in the use of which accidents
from explosion are impossible; and the
report closes with the statement that
“railroads, except in very peculiar situa¬
tions, are behind the age,” and the “de¬
cided opinios” that “those who embark
capital in constructing them indicated will be great
losers.” But the changes are
not all secular. The contributions re¬
ceived by the treasurer of the missionary
society during the preceding week were
$53.27(!), and among other articles pre¬
pared for the edification of the devout is
one entitled “To Pious Dealers in Ardent
Spirits .”—C hristian Advocate.
Origin of Social Games.
The city of Salem, Mass., is celebrated
for her witches, and their persecutors,
and her East Indian commerce in the
past; and for the Indian museum and
“oldest church” at the present day, and
to these we may add the honor of pub¬
lishing the first modern social games that,
achieved any considerable popularity in
this country. In 1843 Miss Annie W.
Abbott, of Beverly, publication a clergyman’s
daughter, offered tor to Mr.
S. B. Ives, of Salem, a new game of cards
which she called “Dr. Busby.” Although
the price asked was very low, there was
no recognized demand for such merchan¬
dise aud the manuscript was declined,
but later Mr. Ives decided to undertake
its publication, which proved an immense will
and unexpected success. This game
be remembered by many of the parents
of the present day a* among the earliest
ever learned and possibly played at first
on the sly, fearful of a reprimand should
the report reach headquarters that they
were “playing cards.”— Good Housekeep¬
ing.
A Talk Cincinnati with a Surgeon. Times-Star.
From the of most
Talking a few days ago with one our
distinguished surgeons, one of our writers said
to him: with people .
“Doctor, what's the matter our
nowadays. It seems to me that half the peo¬
ple I meet have their livers out of order.”
“Your estimate is a very light one,” said the
doctor. “Probably 75 per cent, of the people
have livers which are not doing their work
fully and properly. You can see it for your¬
self on various degrees of signs on the skin or
in the eyes. Notice it, all the way from the
saffron-colored skin and eyeballs of the thor¬
oughly iaundieed victim of liver complaint lady to
the slightly-pimpled face of the young
whose waist is too tightly laced, and who is
crowding her liver into such narrow quarters
that it has not half a chance to work.”
“What is the most general cause of what we
call liver causes,” complaint?” responded eminent medi*
* “The our diversities of
cal friend, “are as many as the
the disorder. Prominent among them you may
mention greasy food, ack of proper exercise
and ventilation, wonderful and irregularity It in has eating. to do
The liver is a organ. of
its work in the dark. No process surgery
can reach it while in the living body. All the
blood must pass rapidly through it to be
cleansed of impurities. There are great tubes
and small ones in the liver—some so exceed¬
ingly small that they cannot be seen except
with the microscope. If any of these become
clogged, there are at once some imperfections When the
in the grand system of filtration.
liver is out of order, the bile goes astray and
wanders into the circulation, and tells its tale
of mischief in the yellow tinge and it gives life-like. the
skin. The healthy skin is rosy
The skin which lias lost its rosy hue, and looks
as if it had been disordered tanned or liver was and going corrupted to be,
tells its story of
blood.”
“But, doctor, you say that no surgical opera¬ done
tion can reach the liver. What is to be
with the 75 livers out of 100 which you say are
disordered?”
“My dear sir, happily we do not need sur¬
gery for this organ. There is a better and
easier way of reac hing enfeebled the difficulty. and corrupted You
want to enrich the
blood, and for that you need iron. You want
to administer atonic to the system and invig¬
orate the liver, so to renew its diligence in the
work of sifting the impurities out of the blood.
Of course, you know that there are ail sorts of
preparations which claim to do this work.
But be careful what you use. There made in la a Balti¬ capi¬
tal iron preparation which is
more, and is the best I know of, for it does its
work without producing constipation or head¬
ache. The tr ouble witli most of the iron pre¬
parations is that they do mischief in these di¬
rections. My position as a professional proprie¬ man
makes me careful I in speaking mention of any that this
tary article. But may ar¬
ticle ie> ‘Brown’s Iro » Bitters.’”
“Why, that’s the great popular tonic that
the people are all talking about.”
“And well may they talk about it, for it is a
good thing,” said the doctor.
The Government arsenal at Osaka,
Japan, is now turning out steel rails as
good as the imported. And it is now
said that before long full railway equip¬
ments will be made at home for the rap¬
idly extending lines
TIRED OUT!
At this season nearly every one needs to use some
sort of tonic. IRON enters into almost every phy
sioian’s prescription for those who need building up.
BROW !* 5 ' I
■
Both*
BirrEfL WLE MBTTDmC
For Weakness) Lassitude* JiC^UAL, Lack of
Energy, etc., it HAS NO and is
the only Iron medicine Blood. that Invigorates is not Injurious. the
It Enriches the Aids Digestion
System, Restores Appetite, head¬
It does not blacken or injure the teeth, oause
ache or produce constipation —other Iron medicines do
Mb. J. D. Burke, 16 High St., Montgomery, Ala.,
says: “ My system was generally debilitated and the
slightest exertion fatigued me. After using Brown’s
Iron Bitters a short time I regained my appetite and
strength.”
Mrs. Geo. W. Cask, 26 Chestnut St., Macon, Ga.,
says : " I used Brown’s lion Bitters for a constant
feeling of weariness and lassitude with the most sat¬
isfactory results. It gives me much pleasure to rec¬
ommend it to all feeble women as a complete strength
ener.” _
•
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