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BRACE OF FUNNY THINGS i
FOUND IN THE COLUMN* OF OCE
HUMOROUS EXCHANGES.
A Bit of Broken C’hlnn-The Writers'
tramp-Tbe Grocer—lint In the Dead
wood Country—The Animal Painter*
Etc.. Etc.
EJT THE DEADWOOD C0UNTBY.
Marriage in Arizona: j
“Do you take this woman whose hand
you’re a squeezin’ to be your lawful ,
wife, in flush times an’skimp?”
-Ireeko, that, about the ^ of it,
Squire.”
“Do you take this man you’ve j’ined
fists with to be your pard through thick
an’ thin?”
• “ Well, ,/ you’re about right for once,
•old ,, man.
“All right, then. Kiss in court, an’ I
reckon you’re married about a. tight a.
the law kin j’ine you. I guess four bits
’ll do, Bill, if I don’t have to kiss the
bride. If I do, it’s six bits extra. —
Chicago Ledger,
ON HOLLER SKATES.
£
on her
was her
.number
the lec¬
her room.
inK-oars on
inense her
and
regardless of expense, sailed
up and down the floor.
The girl dashed on;
she could not
stop; her feet
momentum gained.
"Down brakes !’’ they
cried; ‘ *Oh, maiden, flop!”
She greater speed attained.
How gracefully she skated
there!—just like a big giraffe—
and puffed and shrieked in mad
despair, and made the people laugh.
Then came a burst of thunder sound,
on the floor she sat her bustle
big and
it—oh !—
in misery
blushed. 8 h o
never tried to
OO 00
OO OO
—H. C. Dodge, in Puck.
THE WANING OF THE HONEYMOON.
Mrs. OHerfy—“YotUsee, my deaw*, I
am prompt about calling, I always
mako it a point to call on the bride early,
before the honeymoon is over, you
know.”
Bride (wearily)—“I fear you are too
late.”
Mrs. Cherry—“Too late l Why, you
have hardly got settled in your new
home yet.”
Bride—“I know; but the honeymoon
is over.”
Mrs. Cherry—“Over?”
Bride—“Yes; the market bills have
begun to come in.”
NOT THAT KIND OF TIRED.
“Mother, did you say I can’t go to the
rink to night ?”
“Yes, Mamie, I did. Z
■
“Why, mother ?”
“Because you have been there every
day three times for the past three days,
and so much exertion will ruin your
constitution.”
“Why, f’m not a bit tired, mother.”
“Well, if you are not, come and help
mo wash these dishes.”
“Oh, pshaw ! I’m that kind of tired,
but not the skating kind.”
She helped wash tho dishes all the
same.— Kentucky State Journal. .
His Mode.—A joke is told on a
Sheriff of Georgia, who went out in the
country to “level” on a mule, but being
toil that the mules great age exempted
liuu truur a levy, tho Sheriff retraced his
st« to town, a distance o* nine miles,
to examine tho code in reference there
He found that the mule’s age was
n ijmr to a levy, aud weut back and
u nml tbal tbo «»nor bml waited him
a» if of th e inter im to run the mule off
A Haau I’lXa.—A.wrding to a Mwai
r a,K.r lh« DegUIatura of Indiana i. har
iue a Inurtl t.mn of il thb wmler trying
U,«t four rooumo. of too Jay. vacU in
a week.
This girl had
roller oi - skates,
home, When she struck
o o
effi
round, and made
so flat, the sat
complete, and
couldn’t stir; but
hide
her
feet,
because those
feet hid her.
Chicago
out her
eights
• piegave
• Like freight
* wheels, im
pedals
more, as
Cpoa the Water. »
Bread Cast
About a month ago an old New
Yorker dropped his luggage before the
clerk’s desk in an Old Point Comfort
hotel and dashed off his autograph in s
free and easy hand, “John McKesson,
New York city.” Day after day passed
aud the visitor secured to be enjoying
Virginia with a great deal of zest.
When he finally made up his mind
to move homeward he tripped onoe more
to the clerk’s desk, this time to ask for *
his bill. “McKesson! McKesson!’’
ejacufated here for any the Mr. McKesson. -».«Jj No
bill ? why, what are you talking about.
Do you know how long I’ve been here,
Mr. Clerk? “Yes, sir, I do know, but
I have orders from headquarters to take
none of . your money—not __ a cent. n Now
comes on the scene a genial hotel pro
prietor to beam upou the MM old
Knickerbocker and grasp him by the
hm>d after an enthusiastic tehion.
“You _ re the same old John McKesson
I knew thirty years ago,” ° ejaculated the
hotel , . . man. ,,-r,__ Don u. t remember me, el v r
Well, let me recall a little incident
which happened when I w struggling
along in the world years aud years back.
You belonged to one of the leading
wholesale drug firms in Maiden-lane,
and I was the driver of an express
One ^ day I . had , to , unload , , some
wagon.
packages going from your store to some
Western town. My boms were seared
just as I was handling the goods and one
package svaa damped to the ground and
broken. At headquarters I was tolu
that I’d have to make good the loss, a
little matter of $20 or so, whioli meant a
great deal to me. With a sore heart I
went down to your store the next day to
ask what was the lowest figure at wbioli
I could settle, and you, without a mo¬
ment’s hesitation, told me that I need
not pay one cent, that you oonld staud
the loss better than I could, and that
mnst be the end of it. But it isn’t the
end of it, all the same, for I am making
a round $100 a day down here now,
though if I wasu t making a cent lm
dashed if I’d let you • pay 1 for anything
ijnder my roof, if yDU staid ere 'die A
f through.” Wt
whole year IF
A Narrow JKscape.
Not long ago a dynamite “drummer”
put fifty pounds of that explosive in a
cheap trunk aud checked it, at the
Grand Central Depot, New York city, for
some Northern mines. While the por
ters were conveying the trunk to a bag
gage-car the oover was knocked loose,
and several of the cartridges rolled out.
on the platform. Presently he came up
to look after his property, aud was
asked, timorously, what the cartridges
were.
“Oh,” he replied, in an impatient
tene *, “don’t you know what ‘mining
candles , are. .it,,. Cxino mo mo rnno p , and
l’ll tie up this tf ’ink.” -
The rope was orooured, tbe escaped
cartridges were leturned to their iuolos
ure, and the “baggage” was sent safely
to . its .. destination. ,
When are Women Old ?
’ -Wlieii does , i begin • i to
a womau grow
oi( j ?*» was latoly asked m an assembly
of French women, who are said IbeW td bo
I even more afroid of vieiUir than
meu 0 f 0 ther countries, although from
t ^ 10 ller vous concealment of their age
ouo should imagiue even m this country
tJjat uot to r «.maiu eternally young was
a thing to be Mshumod of. “With the
1 j rfct Hruv hair,” suggested one of the
j lu j u;Mf a nd “When she onuses to inspire
love” thought another. The decision
WAS ij Urt Jiv put to a eharmiiig white
Uaitvd maate© ol ...me IU J««». «Uo at
once replied, “What do I know aimut
l»» *»•
yoa auoh a qumftou. V^teh
-how. that at teal on. among tka U w.
«“•> “>• r 'S»>‘ '«’P« «°*
young.
A Natch rz. Miss., negro, seventy !
years of age, has tieen sentenced to the
penitentiary for one year for marrying a f
white woman. I
A Omni Break faM. j
Mrs. E.* W. Carpenter, Overlee, Balti
more county, Md., write*. ‘I was greatly
teoefitted by the ose ol Red SUr Cough
Jfo2V£32$S gbe had VS". d« her P
doctor cough advice
without relief. By connection my
she used the Cough Cure iu
with an external application of St.
Jacob’s Oil to her side. In one night
wag like a new peraou>
--
Professor De Voe will write a book en the
weftther ‘
H >tteate Dlsea**-.
Of either sex, however induced, speedilyi
thoroughly nud permanently cured. otood taints, Com*
plicated ai.d oostinate eases of
vous, mental, and organic debility, varico"
ture, all permanently cured stair of twelve
export specialists in complete constant attendance,
constituting the most surgical skill organisation America.
nUH n oa j nu ,i in
Send history of case and address for illua
BuVrSo: 1 N.^
Homy Jan - S me noveluT was 4U years
old last week,
Dio.v.'iiie-- tu die Guv.tline
unless caused by lack of sleep or from over
bating, is a symptom of disease. Ii it beat
eoiupaiiiod by coated gviu-rul debility, bcfuluelie, loss
of appetite, longue and sallow com
£**££22 !u \TZ£%S
meat of the stomach and bowe s. Dr. hoivu's
and purify the htuod aud relievo t ho digestive
organs.
Don Piatt is writing a Ufo of one of the
greatest soldiers-! ie a ge H Thomas,
When all so-called remedies fall, Dr. Sage's
Cnturrh Koniwly , U!VS
Dr. Glenn, the California wheat king, is
said to be worth *3,0011,000.
several Lohdou managers aro endeavoring
to secure Clara Morris for a season in Kng -
land.
They are clean, swvet, and thorough in nr
ft \ >t ins , ailt } y- ( ' a p n nuster. ”,>e.
I con hi scarcely speak t It was almost
impossible to breathe through my nostril*,
Using Ely]* Ciwni Jlalin « short time I was
entirely roheyixt. M> heuvl im* not been so
nor vaioo*o-tdrot|g in yearn I m\>mv
mend this admirable reuusly ta all ttitttetod
with catarrh or colds in the head,—*). O,
Tichknor, shoe merchant, Kliatiteth, N. J.
Price 50 cents.
The purest, sweetest and l*\st Cod Liver
Oil In the world, mnnuf ictured from fresh,
healthy live»*a upon theseohoro. It ih ah*o
lutoly pure and sweet, Patiooto who have
once taken it prefer it. to all otwk's. Phy*i
cians have decided it superior to any of the
other oils in market. Made l»y Caswell,
Hazard & Co., New York.
Chapped hands, face, pimples and rough
skin cured bv using Juniper Tar Soap, made
by Caswell, Hasaru Co., New York.
In Boston it. vests *38.43 to nlucate a vhild
imurrh »rti.e madder,
chu-Paiba.” 4'^ tl.
Several Florida hotels are already making
preparations to eloso for the season.
"Hougiioo Pain’’ Pi«*t«.
Porous and strengthening, {Kunsiu improvetl, side,
best for backache, ehest or r
\ matism, neuralgia. Druggists or mail.
A fast ocean steamer cods between
(XtOand #800,000.
TUn Hope ol »li« Nation.
j J Children, slow , iu . development, , Wells , lleaitli He
gt >|. avvl |y and delicate, usa “
! newer.’’
Tawhiao, the Maori Kimr, ins
ded his people to embrace Uhr>K ianity.
t on UouuIin »’
Ask fnr .. U<>uel> „ a o.egh..’’ iloarstmees. for Troches,
o.bi**, N *rt* Throat,
Liquid ^r»e : _________
! wr ^“ ,, /*T"”ra mp, * 0r ’ ' 0l8 '‘ ,, • h
If nftlieted with *oru eyes use Dr.
Thomjwon’s Eye Water. Drui:i;i*tsiell it
A clean kitchen wastie-»rg> Khot’s favor
ite room.
Now la the tun* to prevent *nl euro
diwaa**. ami toswurea wbitoaut n,»\ u-aa
'sITem'iiV!’ m'.U. h?‘ i'^ug
ght, ur bv m*u. rim. Drvydoipd,
Fa.
*v**r« '(hi, Y
w** «***.» !••*.>.> « »<”« •
©ag -1 a Mai «4 a#lti »*« !».»•. >| . a It III »*!•* I |
l #M. || . mt. t»r***(| Om.ur ii I ■»».,
SvfaiH, #1 *t rv.Hita, Hit «4 HI* 4 V m ml >*t s i • Willi >*
©MatMttMitl i-f »»«. I i n • It S5 % I *,1 h
'*•« KmiwnranL I auk » t *n •« V i »«CL
M«©«© ©Mai ataitMl hi r.nr .* I | ■ «|t it >y - a. m •I. II
(M Uwial feu*' to«rtA»f Htt l**» m.«it 1 * 1 Uf t l | U I, M
tfe*» «i iMft-* ai»* uavi mi S Ml « U.
Purify Your Blood
Tour hl.xxl rosy be la«let» with Impuriti#*#. but
Hood'* Xursaporilla will thoroughly clean**. enrich
and vitalize It. The meet •evens owet of scrofula,
salt rheum, boils, pimple*—in fact all affection* arla
ing from impure blood, yield to Hood’s Saraapanll*.
the treat blood purtftor. It alao cure* dyspepsia,
biliousness, sick headache, kidney and liver com
ptaicta, sharpens the appetite and builds up the
whole system.
Charles O. Robert*. Eaat Wilson, N> Y.. had 13
scrofulous sores on his face and neck. Nothing
helped him till he took Hood’s Sarsaparilla, which
effected a eomvdete cure. His druggist says it i*
•*A Great-Victory” for Hood's Sarsaparilla.
•‘Hood's Sarsaparilla has been used with perfect
success in our family for canker in the stomach and
impure blood. My little one is entirely cured, and
we shall continue its use as a family medicine.”—Mas.
F. fi. Burton, Somerville, Mass.
Hood’s Sarsaparilla
Sold by olldrucftWt*. Ws six for IS. Mad© only br
0.1. HOOD A 00.. Aeotheoanoa. Lowell. Mu**.
_I Op Doses One Dollar__
For Goad Parpssoa*
Mrs A. M. Dauphin of ltfcW Ridge Am
Philadelphia, i* well known to the ladies of
t!u\t city from the great good she has done by
moans of Lydia K. Pinkham's Vegetable
Compound. She writes Mia I'inkUam of a
recent interesting ease, “A young married
lady came to me suffering with a severe ease
of Prolapsus and Ulceration. She conuuonoed
taking the Compound aud in two months was
fully restored. In proof of this she soon
found herself in an interesting condition. In*
rtuoneod by foolish friends she attempted to
evade the responsibilities of maternity. After
ten or twelve days she came to luo again and
she was indeed in a most alarming state and
suffered terribly. I gave her a tahlespoonful
of the compound every hour for eight hours
until site feel asleep, site awoke much relieved
and evidently better. Site continued taking
the Compound, and in tkte season site became
tit' mother of a Hue medicine healthy hoy. she believes lint for the
timely use of the uer
life would have been lost.”
ELY'S
CREAM
Cloansea the Head,
Allays Inflammation.
Heals the Sores. Re¬
stores the Senses of
Taste, Email, Hearing.
A POSITIVE CURE.
Cream galunl enviahle
Iue» im n p
illation wherever
dlsplm'lng all other
plied rations Into A each |>art|ile nostril; l«
pam; agroealde to u*>u.
PrlcufiOc by mull or tu uruggixt. Hem’ mr circular.
ELY HUOTIIKUS, t».u . , owegu. N, Y.
METAL POISON.
I mu
arms mul poisoned my whole system, alereiu,) no
mlnlstereil helpless Invalid. Inought I <>n Ptnk rheumiitlsm, two dozen hollies nml I '»,'^'ue of Sw rt a »
N peel lie. My legs, anus and hands ufe all rl«ld again
I use (Item without pain, ftly restoration s due M *•
s. s. Pirrifii* K. Lovr,
Juu. ii, turn. Augusta. Ua.
ULCERS.
mid Mo roll ry, mid I hooatno ladph'ss. Mix bullies or
swift’s Fob. 'JH, KpootUu 1 hhM. made a iiorujuuont It, V/11.S0N. euro. Gainesville, Go.
Swift’s spootllo Is onllroly vegetable. Treatise »>n
Blood mul skin Diseases mailed free,
Tun Swii'T Sno'ipio Co., Drawer 3, Atlanta, Ga., or
l,y,i \v. ; , .i d st. . N Y.
—■
LF PAGE'S
■LIQUID m?{fAkfcWmm,raw.!. ©LUE
N .s
Awartlcil OOI.D MEDAL, LONDON, ISS3 U»«l
by nltnCirCt.kr. M««on x lUmhu Mril only xml Pmim l>v tho Co., fMJSSIA rnlliiuia
CEMENT CO. OLOUCUSTER. MASS. SOLO
EVERYWHERE. HurMumpW. Tin Gnu by Mill, 'JAu.
FRAZER
AXLE GREASE.
t’uat In tin' Worlt*. niftiltxinlvtiy Git> KranurLnhrlra
>>»rCo. »U’ltk u«o, N. Y. A Si. Lou Is. Sold*
vwriw umwa:
OX <
j
|
j
j • .V n
I
PATCH
WORK.
Sill'S* I3 21l#a C*cattnjltsh Cottand
»»«V» Hhifcniatic Hemedy.
iuum.1, Mt ets.
MORPHINES
0». J. C. Hi .rf HAN, Joftrtoa. WiMMJi*.
«s SLY’S
FEVER m
■a-’Q
^
hV ■ *• ■bf opiipjk *1
I I t. w Ml
l.ytns Atfftita runt KF.LLamU*'U
llttf t rut It Illi.fUt l.'NtH. I’ut Villi
i l S. ...I S I ANIlAfUl m"’! *'«<> if you (Lu©
.
$60.5 TON
WAGON SCALES.
th-ani ll«x Tun’ Barn, rwtgbi
I’unl |'m Mr« l.t-t. Kv*ry Sian.
•ndnwJOlTZS 01 BilTOilAMTIH.
Jli>fUUAMTO».N. r.
Kt:; ’;% i iwrkuw 3a«’, i.utbr *•* ■* lor .0,« hdjI •Sitka. willmi I'N
... It.tolor. N Y
.!.•< A. G. UASM'.Tl. it ■«