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FTEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, APRIL 27, 1913.
Laughs—
Allen Robinson,
Who Started on
a Naval Career,
via Annapolis,
but Finally
Landed as the
Comedian of the
Billy Long Com
pany, Tells
Some Funny
Experiences.
‘Lady in Blue’ Cubist’s Mother
the. PIMK LADS'
PALE vvwtTfi Man
HE trick* college boy* will re-
| »ort to for a bit of fun have cut
* quite e figure in theatrical*—es
pecially In the larger college* of the
35a*t. Take my case, for Instance. An
altogether laughable and at the same
time trying happening almost put me
out of business as an actor my first
year on the stage. And all because
some college boy friends endeavored
to have some fun.
For four years I attended Cornell
University, taking a degree there. I
gained a certain amount of popular
ity through my playing baseball and
through acting In college dramatics.
A* a result when I became a profes
sional and mads my first trip to
Ithaca, the home of the university,
the boys decided to have fun with
me They managed to get a really
trained goat and every time T made
my appearance this goat waddled up
and down the aisles bearing a huge
sign:
“Robby’s Goat“
And bslleve me or not, every time
T opened my mouth to say a line thut
goat would bleat:
"Ba-aa-a-a-Baa.”
Let me add that It “got my goaf
and I was one bad actor that night.
• • •
TOURING my college experience in
dramatics we put on a play 1n
which I was cast for a female
role. In order to play this role I had
mysslf made up Into as nearly a pretty
woman as was possible—my face con
sidered We used every form of j
“cheaters” known with the result T
was declared stunning, to Bay. the
least
But with all my looks. T came near
breaking up the show by walking on
Che stage In all my beauteous
woman's attire with a pipe In my
mouth, trailing away as though in my
hoarding house. Oh, but I was all
but mobbed-
• • •
J HAD a rather disagreeable exper- I
lence my first year on the road
with "The Soul Kiss.” T had a
small part that season and also was
general understudy. Barney Bernard,
well known as a Yiddish character
actor, was playing a fine Yiddish
part. He bore the name of Levinsky.
As luck would have It Barney had to
leave the company for two days In
New York state. I was called upon
to play the part I did so success
fully the first night But the second!
Oy, Oy!
In the midst of an important scene
I was jerked off stage and given a
s*at in the jaw. The stage manager
found me deserting my Yiddish dia
lect and playing Levlnsky with what.
T termed a German dialect. And all
unconsciously, too.
• * •
T SAW Kitty Gordon In "The Fn
1 ehantress" recently. Like almost
•veryon. else I marveled at her
beauty. In front of me I saw two
women discusing the lovely one ami
made a revelation « Mies Gordon's
beauty secrets Iti tones that carried
some distance. She said:
"Huh! who couldn't have n beau
tiful shape who wanted to go to the
trouble she doee? Why she actually
wears a steel frame under her gowns
to give her those curves "
• • *
A FTER leaving Cornell I spent
two years at Annapolis *ntid a
lot of funny things happened to
me there. I remember at chapel ser
vice one morning a visiting min
ister made an address to the boys.
He was endeavoring to have them
clean up their hearts and regulate
them so that their chances in tho
hereafter would be Improved Taking
out his watch and holding It up ho
said:
"Now, here Is my watch; suppose It
doesn't keep good time—now runs too
fast and now too slow. What shall
I do with ltr
"Hock itl” shouted a plebe from the
rear. The sky-pilot quit right there.
• • •
J UST before I left New York 1
went In to see Robert Hilliard,
who is playing "The Argvle Case,"
which William J. Burns helped write.
While standing at the box office chat
ting with the treasurer, after the
first act. an excited gentleman ap
pealed to the box office man, Mr.
Frank Loomis.
"For goodness sake change my
Seat," he said, "even if you have to
put me in the top gallery.”
' What’s the matter?” asked Mr.
Loomis, soothingly. "Has something
annoyed you?"
•Well I should say so. I'm right
next to a couple of gabby women who
are arguing about who really killed
John Argyle."
"Whom do they suspect?”
"Everybody in the cast, including
Mr. Hilliard. Why, one of ’em is eyen
trying to fasten the crime ou the
leader of the ynhfptrm"
BROWN BETTY
DIANA CUTZLlNGr
MEe chestnut HAiej
"D+S fcftEEV ENED MC^ETL
tWe Black trowk
D£E5StD WALKirvG-
UP5TAIR5
SEEING RED
;tv»imw ume of erobs'
r f'MfIS picture is of a. “Lady fin Rliie." Wo know It
I because the artist told us bo. Otherwise wo
would have said the lady wan “In Dutch," or was
trying to make a noise like a scrambled egg. This
picture said to be the first effort of the futurists to
launch on an unsuspecting world a picture-peep in
to the visions of a hop fiend nr the vagaries of a
brainstorm. The “Lady In Blue” cun therefore be
called the mother of the cubists. She can also be
■ ailed other things, and probably -will. Tad has en
deavored to put an appropriate frame around the
“lady,” In which Bunk appears to excellent advan
tage as a “curvlst.” The “Lady in Blue” first
adorned the walls at the Salon de Artonnie, In
Paris. If you want to be up-to-date you are sup
posed to gaze at it with an enraptured expression on
your face and ejaculate, “Ah, how wonderful, how
exquisite!" If you are not inclined to be that way,
you look at It and say—well, never mind.
Lines That Stirred England
In a Bernard Shaw Play
B ernard shaws superman
hero, John Tanner, in his com
edy, "Man and Superman,"
makes some remarkable revelations
of his point, of view. Here are some
of the lines that startled English
society and at the same time set
them thinking:
“We arc a>hanied of everything
that is real about us. ashamed of
ourselves, of our relations, of our In
come, of our accents, of our opinion,
of our experience, just ai wo arc
ashamed of our naked skin. Good
Ixird, my dear Ramsden, we are
ashamed to walk, ashamed to ,ride in
an omnibus, ash lined to bln* a han
soin instead of Keeping a carriage,
ashamed of keeping one horse In
stead of two, and a groom-gardener
instead of u coachman and* a foot
man. The more things a man 1
ashamed of, tho more respectable he
is."
• • •
"That's the devilish side of a worn-
anVi fascination; she makes you will
your own destruction."
* * .* ^
•‘It is the self-sacrificing woman
that sacrifices others most reckless
ly"
* * *
"You think that you are Ann’s sui
tor; that you are tho pursuer and
she the pursued and that it is your
part to woo, to persuade, to prevail,
to overcome; fool, it is you who oro
the pursued, the marked down quar
ry. tiie destined prey. You need not
elt looking longingly at the bait
through the wires* of the trap. The
door is opeh and will remain so and
will shut behind you forever."
* * *
“In short, the way to avoid misun
derstanding is for everybody to lie
and slander and insinuate and pre
tend as hard is they can, that is
what obeying your mother comes to.
Is that any reason why you are not
to call your soul your own? Oh, T
protest against this vile adjection of
youth to age! Look at fashionable
society as you know it What does
it pretend to he? An exquisite dance
of nymphs. What is it 7 A horrible
procession of wretched girls, each in
the claw of a cunning, avaricious, dis
illusioned, ignorantly experienced,
foul-minded old woman whom she
calls mother, and whose duty it is
to corrupt her mind and sell her to
the highest bidder, why do these un
happy slaves marry anybody, how
ever old or vile, sc oner than not mar
ry at all? Because marriage is their
only means of escape from these de-
crepid thieves who hide their selfish
ambitions, their jealous hatred of the
voting 'ivals win have supplanted
them under th** mask of maternal
duty and family affection. Such
things arc abominable. The voice of
nature proclaims for the daughter a
father’s care and for the boti a moth
er’s. Tho law of father and son and
mother and daughter is not the law
of love. It 1s tho law of revolution
and emancipation, of final supercee-
sion of the old and worn out by tho
young and capable. I tell you, the
first, duty of manhood and woman
hood is the declaration of indepen
dence. the man who pleads his fath
er’s authority is no man; the woman
who pleads her mother’s authority is
unfit to bear children to a free peo
ple.”
• * •
“Marriage should ennoble a man?
Well, got married and try. You may
find it delightful for a while; you
certainly won’t find it ennobling. The
greatest common measure of a man
and a woman is not necessarily
greater than the man’s single meas
ure."
■ * * *
“Oh. the iiger will love you; there
is no love sincere! than the love of
food. I think Ann loves you that
way; she patted your cheek as if it
were a nicely under-done chop.”
THE RURAL EDITOR’S
SCRAP BOOK
Copyright, 1913, 1»>
M RS. OB ADI AH CRAIG is quite
a»me at making artificial
flowers. She made a bouquet
of roses tho other day and took them
with a bunch of real flowers to her
huBband to see if he could detect the
difference. Obadlah, thinking to make
King Solomon look like a weather
clerk, let in a bee to see where it
would light. Tho bee stung Ob&diah
on the nose. Leave it to the bees to
pick out the real blossoms, say we.
Nigger Knight asks us what pro
cedure the trusts take to check hostile
legislation, and we hasten to say
that we doubt if they u> checks. A
name on the buck of a check is liable
the Star Company.
to give rise to embarrassing ques
tions, but iron men tell no tales.
According to Nigger Knight, some
of these cubist artists ought to be
Imprisoned for their work.
A local photographer tried to take a
moving picture of a Southern ex
press train, blit had to give it up as a
bad job and be content with a stere-
opticon view.
Delia Snodgrass has a trained pul
let on her farm w hich is so versatile
that when they don’t need the hen to
lay eggs she impersonates a bird
of paradise on Delia's new spring
bonnet. Some club's to that chicken,
Sjiy we, meaning Uie pullet, not Delia.
Popular Science
By MIKE CHESTERFIELD.
Copyright. 1913, by th« 8Ur Company. Great
Britain Rights Reserved.
* QUART of gasoline tossed upon
A the coals of the kitchen range
will clean out the ashes in a
Jiffy.
Take a dry sponge and weigh it.
Now soak it in water and weigh it
again, you will find it has nearly
trebled its weight.
To increase the speed of a waiter,
press a small object like a. silver half
dollar in his palm. A gold coin will
double his speed.
To find your train on a time table,
open It carefully, hold It upside down
and ask the nmn at the Information
window.
A sure test for eggs—place the egg
on a car track. If the car Is derailed
but the egg uninjured, the egg is prob
ably Indigestible.
Three tablespoonsful of salt added
to a glass of water will make It quite
unfit for drinking purposes.
If a pin refuses to enter the cloth,
although you push It firmly, but it
penetrates your thumb, examine It
closely. The chances are you were
trying to push It head first.
Almost any smoker may discern the
difference between the lighted end and
cork tip end of a cigarette by placing
the former in the mouth. There will
he a noticeable change In tempera
ture.
Flies can not. stand extreme cold.
By gathering them up each night and
wrapping them in cracked Ice, you
will soon get them so rheumatic they
can not fly about and bother you.
An extremely simple device for re
moving ordinary stains from the hands
is a sink, cake of soap, hot water and
towel.
Few people know this, but it Is true,
that you inay always secure a seat in
a street car by going early to the
car barn and starting out with the car.
Ten pounds of lead molded to fit
inside your hat will prevent it from
blowing oft at windy street corners.
Bvpn the most skilled musicians
have been unable to play "Annie
Laurie” on a shoe horn.
One teaspoonful of blasting powder
smoked in a pipe will almost Instantly
remove the offensive strong odor.
Hopeless.
Cassidy—In this blessed country of
ours a man can come up from noth
ing:. Just look at our Mayor!
Kerrigan—Did he come up from
nothing?
Cassidy—He did! He hasn’t got a
drop of Irish blood in his veins!
HOW TO
BUILD A
BUNGLE-O
N OTHING gives one quite such
good standing in society as
a bungle-o. Country estates
were once in vogue, but civilization
was raw in those days. To-day the
person who does not possess a bun
gle-o has no claim whatever on so
ciety.
Mr. Noah Webster, author of a
little volume entitled, “Words, Words.
Words," spells bungle-o, “bungalow,”
but his definition is “a thatched cot
tage in India.” Had Mr. Webster been
fortunate enough to have read our
author’s directions for the making of
a bungle-o, he would have spelled it
as we do.
By following with great care the
directions given here, you can not
fail in making as beautiful a mess
as was ever jumbled together by
human hands.
FIRST—Select a site. Many ama
teurs have failed because they lacked
a proper site. Without a site the
most costly bungle-o will prove im
practicable.
NEXT—Having secured a site (a
second-hand one will do) move it to
whatever locality you prefer. A va
cant lot will do. Now for the founda
tion.
Secure four large tomato cans, qf
equal size. Fill them with sand and
set them upright, one at each corner
of an imaginary oblong. An imag
inary oblong may be secured for a
few pennies out of any school geom
etry.
FLOOR—Some of the more fastid
ious prefer a floor in their bungle-os.
One can not cheat in making floors,
they should be on the level. Remove
the bulkhead doors from your home
if you rent aflat, or from your neigh
bor’s house If you own your own
house. Place these on the tomato
cans.
WALLS—For the walls or sides,
place your upright piano on the
northern end, on the eastern • side
place the side of a closed trolley car.
This may be secured by sawing off
the side of any old trolley car you
may happen to have about the house.
This will at the same time provide
windows. On the western side pile
up about nine tiers of mahogany sec
tional bookcases which may be found
in the advertising pages of any maga
zine.
ROOF—Even Noah knew enough to
put a roof on his old ark of a bun-
gle-o. You can not do very well
without it unless equipped with div
ing suits. Take up the linoleum from
your kitchen floor and spread it over
your bungle-o, nailing it securely to
the top of the piano and thence to the
mahogany bookcases and the side of
the trolley car. This will prove water
proof except, perhaps, in little spots
here and there, but a little court plas
ter will remedy this.
COST— You can readily see that
this sort of a bungle-o costs prac
tically nothing except for the imag
inary oblong secured from a school
geometry for a few pennies.
Smoked Glasses Needed to
See New Summer Cravats!
Loud? Say, They’re Shrieks!
BIFF! BANG! SPLASH!
No, Reggie! This isn’t a riot call.
That’s your summer necktie coming down Peachtree.
Loud? Well, take it from us—some!
It’s also glittering, garish, halloing, hectic, shrieking, palpi
tant, shrill and a few other things like that.
When you drift into a haberdashery shop these days and ask
to be shown the latest thing in cravats, take along your automo
bile goggles. You’ll need them. Smoked glasses will do.
Suitings, Reggie, are to be sombre, y’know. And fashion has
decreed that there has to be some sort of counter-irritant. And
these new summer cravatings have been designed with an eye to
just that.
When Joseph sprung that coat of many colors he thought he
had set a limit on shrieks. But he made a bad guess.
These summer ties out-Joseph Joseph.
They likewise out-rainbow the rainbow. „
Wagner’s song hits will sound like lullabies in comparison.
And, Reggie, don’t wear a rubber collar with these ties.
Not unless you want to have the fire department out after you.
But mere words won’t describe these cravats. The only way
to judge them is to wear them.
And you have to wear them or you aren’t in the swim.
A Future Cracker ,
By STANLEY R. HOFFLUND.
Copyright, 1913, by tho Sur Company. Grog*
Britain Right, Reacrrod.
I T was like dis, seel
De score was four to free,
De last half of de nint’, an’-ue
to bat.
We had to get a run
To keep from bein’ don*
By dem bush-league boys. I eouldnff
stand for dat. •
1
But it looked like we was stuck—
We was playin’ in hard luck,
Wid de limps a woikin’ fer de other
club;
An’ our pitcher, Mick O’Toole
Had to stay in after school.
We was usin’ Izxy Stein, a Yiddish
dub.
An’ w e only had eight men,
While dey was playin’ ten,
An’ on deir own home grounds—it was
a shame.
Every time we makes a play
Deir gang gets in de way,
An’ was goin’ to beat us up after de
game.
We’d licked dem guy* before—
Run up a nawful score—
When we played ’em at our ground*
in Cassey’s loti
Chee! we’re champions, y’u know,
An’ it wouldn’t do to go
An, let ’em rob us. Chee I it made me
hot.
De foist man up to bat
Was our star infielder, “Fat."
Dat guy kin wield de stick to beat d*
band;
But he didn't have no show.
Umps calls t’ree strikes in a row,
Every one a ball. De next man also
fanned.
Two outs, an’ four to free,
“Reddy” Jones to bat, den me.
“Reddy” leans against de ball, *n’ get*
to foist.
Den I knocks out a home-run
T’rough a window, an’ we wen.
Chee! you’d ought ter heard de way
dem pikers coist.
Course I never likes to blow
'Bout meself, but you must know
How me battin’ put dem pitchers on
de shelf.
Any guy dat’s seen me play
Says I’ll make big league someday.
Ask de boys. I hates to talk about
meself.
Absent-Minded.
"irmallfcy is an absent-minded fel
low,” said Bilkes. "When he was en-
pased to Mrs. S. he asked her to g> to
the opera with him one night, ami
bought only one seat. He explained It
to her by saying he was so used to
occupying a single chair with her that
lie didn't think.”
The Wit
of the Week
Language.
T~) R. OSLER tells the following to
illustrate the elasticity of the
English language, as used by the
Southern negro.
One day there came to the clinic
a negress with a broken jaw. The
examining physician, intent on dis
covering the exact nature and ex
tent of the injury, asked numerous
questions. To all of them the negress
returned evasive answers. Finally
she admitted that she was “hit by
a object."
“Was it a large object or a .small
object?” asked the physician.
"Tolle’by large.”
“Was it a hard object or a soft
object ?"
“Tolle’by hard."
“Was it coming rapidly or slowly?”
“Tolle’by fast." Then, her patience
exhausted, the negress turned to the
physician. "To tell the truth, doctor,
T was jest simply kick’d in the face
by a gen’leman friend.”
A New Profession
“Ver see this cove ’ere? ’e’s wait
ing for a what’ll.'’
“For a wattle?"
"Yuss; for a ‘What’ll yer ’ave?”
Overruled.
uriH, but Judge,” protested Jinks.
^ when his honor imposed a $10
fine for overspeeding, "look at your
roads! No car ever made could have
gone over eight miles an hour through
that mire.”
"Thet’s jest it!" said, his honor, se
verely. “ ’Twam’t nothing but thet
there mud of ourn as held ye back!”
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