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t
Ponies and Carts!
Where is the boy or girl who
wouldn ’t [ike to drive one of
them. The Sunday American
and the Georgian are
Giving Them Away
uggestion
If You Can’t Attend to Work and See the
National Game, Move Your Place
of Business Into the Grand Stand
By T. E. POWERS, the Famous Cartoonist
Rhymes Without Reason
By J. J. Leibson.
Onrum. IMS, by U. Blar Oonow Qw«t Brit*ia Bwmt
S ING a song of sixpence,
A pocket fall of oats;
Four and twenty women
Clamoring for vote*.
When Parliament wa* opened
They didn’t do a thing—
It isn’t such an easy job
These days to be a King;
The King was in his counting house,
They blew up all his money;
The Queen she wept because they mixed
Some mustard with her honey.
The maids were in the garden
And—what do you suppose?—-
They grabbed the old Prime Minister
And dragged him by the nose.
* * *
L ITTLE BO-PEEP has lost her sleep,
And would you know the reason?
She turkey - trots throughout the night,
Both in and out of season.
* * *
S OLOMON GRUNDY;
Born on a Monday;
Christened on Tuesday;
Married on Wednesday;
Still wed on Thursday;
The same on Friday;
Ditto on Saturday;
No change on Sunday.
Well, THAT was the end
Of Solomon Grundy
* * *
’T'HERf was a young woman who lived m a shoe
1 Of black patent leather and size number two.
She looked most unhappy; she couldn’t walk straight;
And neither could you, with a foot number eight.
* * *
P ETER, Peter, lunch-house eater,
Had a wife and thought he’d treat her;
He took her to the Automat,
Where nickels buy you this and that.
* * *
M ARY had a little lamb,
With French peas on the side;
But when the waiter brought the check
Poor Mary nearly died.
Lew Dockstader’s
Just a Few of the Great Blaekfaced
Comedian’s Fund of Stories.
Copyright, lftlS, by the Star Company Great Britain Rights Reserved.
F OR the sake of all fair-minded poultry—be they
hens, chickens or Bquabs—that may be in the
audience, let me say at the start that my Uncle
Jawge Is not against marriage. He's up against it.
So you'll all bear with me when I confide to you
that Uncle Jawge is inclined to drink—especially after
he’s had a dozen or so. His wife makes Emmy Pank-
hurst look as gentle as the plaintive bulbul bird. Uncle
Jawge Is a good mixer. He’s stood and watched bar
tenders for hours at a time, and although he may
drink, I don't want you to think that he drinks all the
time. I've seen him sleep.
Now Luther Burbank Is supposed to he the greatest
grafter in the world. He can squeeze a bunch of
grapes together and make a grape fruit out of ’em.
Well, believe me. Uncle Jawge can make a lemon out
of Luther Burbank. The New York cops will never
control the graft trust while Uncle is alive. He calls
himself Municipal Booze Sampler, and he wears five
stars to show his authority. Then he goes around and
tests the bottles to see whether they've been refilled.
And when Uncle Jawge gets his foot on the third rail
and gets set for his day’s work it takes as many as
five bouncers to get him out of the place by 1 a. m.
The day before Uncle Jawge got back from the war
he buried his left leg. He said he lost it in the can*
non’s mouth. The artillery boys had busted their ram
rod, and as they were in pressing need for another.
Uncle Jawge volunteered his leg Well, to make a
long story exciting, the cannon ball had a premature
birth, and Uncle Jawge went away from there! But
1 think that's an exploded idea. My opinion is that
somebody had just bought a drink, an ' cn the time
came for the re-treat, Uncle was shot to escape
so he wouldn’t have to buy.
Anyhow, Uncle Jawge came right soon ;>
ae got bark and asked me if I knc ing abo
.egs. As soon as I saw that he was serious I agreed
to get a good leg for him. He wondered if I'd know
a good leg if I saw one. ’ 1 said I’d go and saw, any
way. So I sawed the leg off a baby -grand piano and
strapped it onto Uncle He w.is delighted with the
shape cause it matched uis other leg so well.
Now right here I must say a word about Uncle
Jawge's teeth. Of course you know all teeth are di
vided into two classes, born teeth and teeth by proxy.
Most of Uncle's born teeth have gone to rest, and on
this particular morning when I strapped on Uncle’s
new-made leg he just happened to have the entire
wreath of his would-be teeth in his *hlp pocket. Well,
I forgot to saw the castor off that black walnut piano
leg, the floor was slippery, and Uncle never was at
home on roller skates anyhow. It’s pretty hard luck
if Uncle Jawge gets hydrophobia because his own teeth
snapped at him.
So I had to get Uncle Jawge another leg. I made
it out of sugar maple. Oh, but it was a handsome leg.
I showed it to a manager of a burlesque theatre, and
he said of all the shows he had ever put on he had
cover, in all his experience, seen a better, more fasci-
TRULY
1 Wl*yru*t. 1»13, bj the SUr Ormpae; Orwt Britain Uchln Rnnerrei
YOUNG man proposed marriage one day,
while on a straw ride, to a very charming
farmer’s daughter.
“Minnie," he said, “would ye like to marry me an’
be Missus Ruben Rountree?"
"No, sir, I won’t be MIbsus Rountree or any other
neither. I ain't never goin’ to be married,” she said
seriously.
"Ha! ha! Never goin’ to be married! Huh, that’s
what they all say, but you’ll notice they're STILL
hnlldlng school houses,” said Ruben, with some force.
• * •
A GENTLEMAN was walking through the negro
portion of an American town, when he came
across a woman unmercifully beating a little
boy.
“Here, my good woman,” he said, seizing her by
the arm, "you must not do that. What has he done,
anyway?”
"Mustn’t do that! What has he done?” ejaculated
the enraged negress. “If you want to know, he's
been and lef’ de chicken hous' do' open, an’ all dim
chickens got out”
"Weil, that is not so serious,” said the gentleman,
soothingly; "chickens always come home to roost.”
Merry M
nating—well, that Just showB you what a good leg it
was. But alas! (you know, alas is what you say when
sump’n’s busted) no sooner had poor Uncle Jawge
started to walk around with the best leg he ever had
in his life, than some mean man, utterly devoid of all
sympathy, drove a nail into that sugar-maple leg,
hung a bucket on it, and drew out all the sap! Now
1 ask you, what can any leg do with Its very life-blood
drawn out. The only thing left for me to do was to
buy an automobile, because poor Uncle Jawge was
stumped and he just had to have his exercise.
So I took the hundred dollars Uncle Jawge had
saved up from his pension. We paid J100 down and a
dollar a week as long as Uncfe Jawge lives. You see
that proposition works all right because the company
made Uncle Jawge make over his life insurance policy
in their favor.
instrel M
Well, they sold us a car, gave us a 70-page book,
and told us to go ahead. That book had two pages of
Instructions on how to run the machine and 68 pages
on first aid to the injured. I looked at the rules and
they said first push down lever A and then lever be.
Uncle Jawge grew impatient while I was reading
the rules. He leaned over and pushed down all the
levers, and WE WENT AWAY FROM THERE! The
speedometer went all the way around the indicator
until it registered a hundred and twenty-five miles an
hour, and then started on the second lap. Uncle Jawge
bounced up into the air, and when he came down I
saw he had his whole leg wrapped around the tail-
light. The portion of his partial leg that still re
mained he Just let wave.
We must have hit a Little Rock in Arkansaw and
traveled through the air for a few hundred miles, be-
onologue
cause I never knew where we were after that until w»
struck Lousyanna. I wouldn’t have known it wai
Lousyanna except that we nearly got stuck In mo
lasses going through New Orleans. I saw than that
we were headed for the Gulf of Mexico. I was afraid
of getting a chill if we were engulfed, because I felt
rather warm Just then, so I turned her aside. In a
few minutes we had knocked the top off Pike’s Peak.
We went through the horizon twice.
Well, we never stopped until we landed on a mud
flat near the State House in Albany. They’ve been
throwing a lot of mud up there lately and that’s what
stopped us. I looked at my watch and it was Just
nineteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds since we
had left Chicago. I figured that we rode about a
thousand miles a second because we beat our shadow
by three hours.
RURAL YARNS
By KATE WATSON,
“Truly Rural Girl” in Vaudeville
“Come home!” snorted the woman; "dem chickens
will all go home!”
• • *
T HE colonel came down to breakfast New Year's
morning with a bandaged
hand.
"Why, colonel, what’s the matter?”
^•they asked.
“Confound it all!” the colonel
answered, “we had a little party
last night, and one of the younger
men got Intoxicated and stepped on
my hand.”
« « *
R UNNING from the Mexican
border to San Antonio is a
railroad known as the Inter
national and Gulf Northern. At a
way station, when the train arrived,
stood a group of plainsmen, who
gazed admiringly at the new loco
motive with Its bright gold letters,
I. & G. N., printed on the tender.
“Say, Bill,” said a tall fellow, turn
ing to a companion, "ain't that a
durned fuuuy way tub spell iujun?”
A YOUNG lady from the corn belt was advised
that she had all the qualities of a great voloe.
Of course these good friends had only heard
her call the chickens, cows and the farm hands to
STATION
dinner, but there
was something
there they said
that bespoke a
“grand opree ca
reer.”
So Tlllie took
lessons every Sat
urday morning
from the district
piano tuner. Then
she came on to
the big city. She
was given a spot
on a vaudeville
bill—about No. 8.
How she “went”
will not be chron
icled right here. It
is enough to say
that the manager
of the house came back and said.
“I’m sorry, Miss Sprout, but I’ll have to cancel
vour engagement.”
“What’s the matter?” asked our heroine, “didn't
my natural-born contralto fill the theatre?”
“Yes, my dear lady,” he said, sadly, “and ALSO
the lobby!”
teacher had written on the blackboard the
sentence: “The toast was drank in silence,"
and turned to her class for them to discover
th« mistake.
Little Bennie Sheridan waved his hand frantically,
and. going to the board, scrawled the correction;
“The toast was ate in silence.”
* * *
A MAN with a very red face met a friend on
the street and the following conversation
took place:
“You look warm.”
"Yes, been chasing a hat.”
“Did your hat blow off?”
“It wasn't my hat, it belonged to someone else—
there was a pretty girl under it.”
“Did you catch it?’’
"I should say I DID, My WIFE saw me chasing
It!”