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HEARKT'S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, MAY 11, 1913.
Fflysicians Not Glum:
Here Are a Doctor’s Jokes
JEFF HAS HARD LUCK WITH HIS PETS W
jpyrlg-ht, 1913, by th*- Star Company Great Britain Right* Reserved.
Mutt and Jeff Appear Every Day in The Georgian
D
OCTOBS are m>l the liigulii'iuii* sawbones thHl tradition would
have them. In fact, they should have 11 (treater store of humor
than the layman, because most of their world Is pathos, ami suf
ferine, aurl anxiety with
few bright Hjsits that must
Is* seized anil treasured eag
erly.
This, from the statement
of Dr. Louis Rough I in. At
Inida physician, who, like
every other lihyshTan. has
seen the dark spots and the
bright spots. Here are a
few of the latter, as tie re
Isles lbe stories:
Kverytsrdy and his broth
er knows that there are
dangers In the delightful
pastime of kissing, not the
least of which is the menace
of germs. So much for the
introduction to this story.
A young man came to me
once for examination for tu
berculosis. 1 asked him I lie
symptoms.
"I ain’t got no symptoms,
doc," he said.
I asked him what disease his father and mother died of.
“They didn't hare no disease.” lie said, “they just died."
"Well, why do you think you have tuberculosis? I asked him. He
blushed.
“Well, you see. doc.” he said, "it’s
this way. I’m courtin’ a girl, and
we kisses and all that, you know
T heard that she's got tuberculosis,
and 1 want to know if I caught It
from her.”
Germs may be transmitted in this
way. and 1 told him so. After ex
amining him, I sent him on his way.
Two days later another young man
came in.
“Doctor," he said, “f want you to
examine me for consumption.”
"Whst are your symptoms?” I
asked him.
”1 ain’t got no symptoms, doc,"
he said.
1 asked him if his parents were
living. One was dead.
“Of what disease?” I asked
Pa didn't have no disease, doe,”
he said. "He jnst died."
I wondered why he thought lie
had tuherenioais. and asked him.
Gee.rsitfor,
SweiL feT Now.
A LS.OY G/wy 1st
<iOl.DV,s, Ht V* (ao**.
T '*”* iTR, feN y M0W6
nw so v<w su.xf
t eevitN'T eerreN Poe. *■
week and t aiN'T GwTocjar.
t'S\ SOYdrA*. I'LL H*t£ To
Co now£ and tie Down
'-Way
1
HONfcST I'M
SO HUNtR'* I
COViO>
V
l
He said hp roomed with the man
whom I examined two days before,
and was his best friend.
"Rut he didn’t have tubercu
losis," I tojd him.
“I know,” he said, “but he might
have had.”
I tried to laugh down his fears.
“How does that affect you?” I
asked. He blushed.
"Well, you see, doc,” he explain
ed, "It’s this way. hut for the love
of Mike keep it quiet, I’ve been kiss
lug his girl, too."
* * *
The opinion of the laity regarding
germs and their size Is wonderful.
Also, regarding everything else
about germs their nature, origin
and all that. It reminds me of an
old joke that all doctors have heard,
maybe.
A Herman, a Frenchman and an
irishman were debating about the
nationality of germs. Each proudly
claimed brotherhood with the
"bugs."
"Sure, dev iae UermHin" said
Heinie. "Dot’s vere dey gels dere
names- germs, from (Jerman.v,
ilon’d you see?”
"Raere bleu, nod!" exclaimed the
Frenchman. “They are Frenchmen.
Have you never heard them called
parasites? They rume from Paris,
truly.”
"Ye’re both dead wrong.”.chimed
in Pat. “Oi till ye they’re Irish,
becase their real names is mb-
robes.”
* * •
But enough for germs. They are
unpleasant subjects at the best.
Maybe you’d rather henr of a little
incident that occurred soon after
prohibition came to Georgia, and
when things were very, very tight.
I was called one day to rush to
a place where an office building was
being erected. A man had fallen
several stories, and was seriously
hurt.
I found him stretched on the
ground, not so badly hurt as the
alarm had declared. I called for
a glass of water, after I had ha stile
examined him. and held it for him
to drink.
"What’s that doctor,” he asked,
feebly.
"it’s just water,” I assured him.
He sat up immediately.
"Hood night!” he said. “How far
does a man have to fall in this
durned town to get a real drink?”
* * *
I once lost the friendship of a
vaudeville leading lady who had
t»een my friend for years. I lost
it icecause I did not remember that
vaudevilllans consider their station
in their profession established by
the place
which is given
them on the
bill. The first
place is con
sidered the
■goat." assign
ment, second
place is little
better, and so
on.
This particu
lar star usually
had been giv
en the head
liner's posi
tion, well to
ward the end
of the bill. But
coming to At
lanta a f t e r
many previous
tours, she was
surprised t o
find that her
act was num
ber two on
the bill.
She and her husband came to me
Ip a rage. I knew them, having
been connected with (he theater as
Its physician.
“Oan you Imagine those low
brows putting an actress of her po
sition and talent in second place?”
asked her husband, stormlly. "Can
you f ’ ,
"Yes, can, you?” tile lady herself
raged. "The
idea of me,
always a
h e a d 1 i ner,
stuck in that
‘goat’s’ act.
What dp you
think about
it?”
“Well, I
should
say.”
Idee
1 a re d
s y m
pathet-
icallj.
"They
are w
r o n g.
You
really
ought to have
been
in the
first act."
And
th e
haught
y air
with
which
she left my
office c o n -
vinced m e
that's o m e-
thing w a s
wrong.
it was just my ignorance: and
my ignorance was worse than that
of a couple who called me in to wait
on their eleven-months-old child.
"Little Billy is mighty sick, doc
tor.” the mother told me. “He’s
all wrong inside.”
I examined the child. He was
wrong inside. Plainly he was af
fected by something lha! he had
eaten. I asked them wtiat they had
fed him. *
“Nothing, doctor.” she assured
me. “Nothing much.”
"Y’ou know,” I said, “that a child
of this age should have the lightest
of diets, based on milk? Have you
fed him anything else?”
"Nothing much, doctor,” she said.
"Of course, snookums likes a pickle
now and then, and usually we let
him eat sauer kraut. We always
have it. But nothing to hurt him.”
* * *
Another patient of mine was an
old family negro. He came into my
office one day. groaning and grunt
ing and very sick.
““What’s the matter, Uncle Eph
raim?” I asked him. “You seem
sick.”
“Yassir. I is sick. Mist’ Louis,”
he said. "I sorter think dis ol’
nigger’s gwiner die. Oh. Lordy.”
“What’s the matter. Uncle Eph
raim?” I asked.
"Oh, Mist’ Louis, dis ol’ nigger’s
mighty sick.” he groaned.
"Where?” I asked.
“Us got a awful misery rfi my
ehist,” lie said, patting his bosom
gently. “I sorter think I’s got de
tulie-roses. Can’t you lell me?"
# * *
He was like the old man who call
ed in a number of doctors. This old
man sent for a physician to come in
a hurry. Th? physician went to his
side.
"Oh. doctor." said the patient.
"T wish you had come just five min
utes sooner. Dr. Blank was here,
and I wanted you all to talk about
my case.”
"Is that sof” said the doctor.
“I'm sorry. Weil, now. what did
Doctor Blank do for you?”
"I don’t know, doctor," said the
imtient. “lie does so much.”
"Did he take your temperature?”
“Lord knows, doc. 1 don’t.” said
the old man. “I been here on my
back a long time. I misses my
watch the other day, but if he's
gone and took anything else. I don’t
know: it.”
* * *
That reminds me of the patient
who came to a local doctor for his
troubles. The physician diagnosed
the ease as a mild nervous affection,
wrote out a prescription calling for
a compound that is an efficacious
nerve tonic.
The patient looked at the formid
able array of symbols and Latin
words.
"Gee, doc,” he asked. "How much
will this cost?”
"About a dollar, I guess.”
“Well, say, doc,” said the nerv
ous one, “can't you lend me a dol
lar to have it filled with?”
The doctor looked at his patient
critically for a moment, then took
back the prescription. At the bot
tom of the iong list of drugs was
the word "Aqua,” which, as every
body knows, is water.
The physician took his pencil and
scratched out all the words except
the last, "Aqua.” Then he turned
to his patient, handing him a dime.
"Take this prescription now, and
this dime, and havwit filled,” he
said. "I was wrong with my first
diagnosis. Tou don't need a nerve
tonic. You have enough nerve.”
New Styles in Wit
Encouragement.
Competitor—I see you have run
that joke of mine at last.
Editor—Yes, we were shy on ex
changes at the last moment and had
to rely on a joke from Pnnch. To
make it seem funny we ran your lit
tle offering just above it.
Neither.
“I heard an alarm of fire, I think.”
he said in the theater, “and I must
go out and see about it.”
Returning after fifteen minutes:
"It wasn’t a fire.” he said, shortly.
“Nor water,” said she, still more
briefly.
MIKE DONLIN
In “The Rounder
»nd the Swell”
TOM LEWIS The Diary of a Cut Worm—By u. Green Fields
by IR*r <\wnp*nr
L EWIS—Who was the seedy gent you were
talking to as 1 turned the corner?
DONUTS'— Oh. he was one of thoae “please
glve-a-dlme-for-coffee" chaps Saw this dress suit
and tried to nick me. 1 gave him a sweet young
call, though. 1 told him that he would do better to
ask for manners than money.
LEWIS—Oh, well, you shouldn't have been so
harsh. He was only asking you for what he thought
you had the moat of.
DONLIN—I heard something about your having
a fuss on Fifth avenue.
LEWIS—No, on Eighth avenue.
DONLIN—What was It?
LEWIS—Well, you see, Jlmm> Thornton and I
had been to the Square Table Club's beefsteak din
ner, and as we were wending our way-—
DONLIN—Winding
LEYA IS—Winding our way home. Thornton began
to sing, "i Loved You When Y’ou Were Sweet Six
teen He was hitting high "e" when s big Cossack
cop loped tip and said. "See here, cut that out!
Where do you think you are. in the Metropolitan
Opera House’ Thornton got. very sassy, and in
sisted that he had a perfect right to stng oqe of his
own compositions. So he started all over again.
Then the cop crowned poor .Inn with hie big stick
and put hhn to sleep 1 let fly both hands and
floored the copper, and *u giving him a fine trim-
nlng when Jim suddenly came to. He nibbed his
eyes and then looked over at the cop that I was
pounding Then he got up and, walking over,
kicked me in the ribs, yelling "Hey, Lewis, get a
Cop of your OWN; this one's mine—I’m not through
with him!”
DONLIN- How s your wife?
LEWIS—Had a row with her this morning.
DONLI .1- What about ?
LEWIS—She was dressing to come down town
to dinner, and when 1 got an eyeful of that new
drees I said "That dress, madam, will never please
the men." Friend wife got right up on her high
horse and yelled, "Mr. Lewis, 1 don't dress to please
the men, but to worry other women
DONLIN- -Who* was your father?
LEWIS—A farmer.
DONLIN—isn't it a pity he didn't make you fol
low his trade?
LEWIS—What was your father’
DONLIN- Why, a gentleman, of course.
LEWIS—Pity he didn’t make you one!
DONLIN—They tell me 'hat your father was a
quaint old duck.
LEWIS—Did you ever bear about the time he
drove down from the mountains to see his first
railroad train?
DONLIN—Oo ahead with it.
LEWIS—Why, you see. we lived on s vineyard
twenty miles from the town They built a rail
road through the town, and on the day that the
road opened, father hitched up the old gray mare
and drove into town twenty miles to see his first
ra,irs4fi train. jVhPB b£ ISi 5£&E l&S £*?- * e B£\
Brltjun Right# Rnn*r?#<1
he found quite a crowd there before him. for the
firet glimpse too. Father drove right up near the
track and hitched the old mare right to the switch.
"Better git your old hosB away from the track,"
said /eke Prouty. who had been made station mas
ter; "he ain’t never seed no locomotive and he’a
sure to rip and tear.”
So father took his advice and unhitched the mare,
and took her off in a field nearby and tied her to
a tree. Then he came back for the buggy which
stood right by the track.
Pa got between the shafts and picked them up
Just as a distant toot was heard, in another sec
ond the big locomotive, drawing a siring of cars,
whizzed by the station with a roar
DONLIN—Well?
LEWIS- Father ran three miles and smashed the
buggy to bits before he stopped!
DONLIN—Say, if a parson and Satan went to law
which do you think would win?
LEYYMS- Satan, it's a cinch.
DONLIN—YVhy so?
LEWIS-—All ihe lawyers would be on his side,
wouldn't they?
DONLIN—Speaking of horse*, you should have
seen the animals of all kinds that my father raised
Say, father reared the biggest calf ever turned out
of our State.
LEWIS—1 don't doubt it, and the noisiest be
sides.
DONLIN Did you take your usual stroll through
the park this morning" •
LEWIS- Yes. and 1 hadn't any more than started
when 1 was stopped by a beggar who said. "Pray,
sir. pity me, 1 have a wife and six children."
DONLIN—What did ytou say?
LEWIS—Told him to accept my heartfelt sympa
thies. that I had six too.
DONLIN—What pleased you most when you vis
ited England?
LEWIS To see the funerals.
DONLIN—They tell me that you were panning all
the modern literati at the Comedy Club the other
night
LEWIS-What of it?
DONLIN—I suppose that you would have abuaed
the ancients, too. if you had known their names'
LEWIS—I saw some wonderful paintings abroad
By George, but Rembrandt was a wiz! 1 wonder
what In all the world he mixed his celors with?
DONLIN—Brains!
LEWIS—An old man an awful crank—sat near
me at the Waldorf during breakfast.
DONLIN—At the Waldorf’’
LEWIS—Yes why not' This old fellow ordered
a steak, and after he had waited patiently for his
meal for a full half hour he called the waiter.
"Boy. are you the tad who took my order?"
"Certainly,” said the waiter
Bleee toff ryk'Tt ffpj'a. sml '-frg
Copyright, 1»1J, by the Otar Company. Groat Britain Klghta Reaeraed.
S ATURDAY. March 22—I’ve been awake a fortnight now, and things*
are certainly dull here. No one has spaded up this garden. I do
hope the man who owns it won’t get lazy and neglect his garden
this year.
SATURDAY, May 10—Oh, my! the man's perfectly crazy now. WeVa
eaten off all hig lettuce, all his second crop of cucumbers and all but one
of his second lot of tomato, plants. That one has grown so stout I*»
afraid it will take us another week to kill it. *•
SATURDAY, March 2» Am feeling better. The man spaded up half
the garden plot to-day. I burrowed just an inch lower than his spading
fork reached. He ought to be getting in his early peas and such things,
SATURDAY, April 6—Well, he’s planted his peas, some lettuce and
radishes The peas were well Boaked in water before planting. There's
enough here to feed me until they begin to sprout. I don't like radish
seeds, they are too hard. I’m glad he fixed up the fence. I was afraid his
neighbor’s hens would get in. Hens are so careless; they’ll gobble up a
respectable cut-worm just as quick as a seed.
SATURDAY, ApriT 12—Now the cold frames are out and there are a
lot of cucumber and tomato seedlings under it. I certainly was glad to
get a taste of something fresh and green. 1 fairly stuffed myself, ate off
seven tomato stalk* and eleven cucumber seedlings. The man has
planted a lot more.
SATURDAY. April IS- If ever a cut worm was a luckychap, I'm It.
The man has enlarged hi* garden and planted more. He ha* set out a lot
more vegetables and flowers around the borders, and planted beans and
a lot of other stuff
SATURDAY'. April 2«- -This garden is certainly some paradise. The
peas have sprouted and the radishes are doing fine. 1 must get seme of
my friend* to help me. There’s enough here for about 800 of us. Gee,
wasn’t the man mad when he found I had killed all his cucumber seed
lings and half his tomato plants. I missed a lot of the radishes, though.
They grow so fast one simply cannot eat them all, and as soon as the
root* begin to grow they get strong and peppery and are Indigestible.
SATURDAY May 3—This is some garden, all right. I’ve got all my
friends busy now. I think 'here must be at least 750 of us. Poor Willie
Cut-Worm passed on yesterday. The man made me laugh, though When
ho got WlUle and ktiled him, he exclaimed; 'This is the feller that’s been
killing my stuff ” Just as though one poor cut-worm could find time or
room to eat everything in » big garden.
SATURDAY, May 17-—Believe me, that poor boob ia
wild now. Every one of his beans has fallen. Wa
cut each one off close to the ground Just when the third
leaf was starting. They are tenderest and sweetest
then.
SATURDAY, May 24—I’m a little Mt dlaeonaageA.
He's got some rhubarb coming up and it is growing
so fast we cannot kill it, and it is a little too bout. I
think I'd better send for some big white slugs, they)
love rhubarb and they’ll soon fix it
SATURDAY, May 31—I got a green tomato worm te
finish that last tomato plant. It got too big for us. Thq
radishes are out of the question, but I know some borers
that will come and drill into the radishes and spelt
them. The man is certainly game. He had planted his
second lot of beans and his third let of lettnee and hia
third lot of encumber*. Some of his early peas got past,
us, but I know of a lot of aphids that will jnst eat 'em
up. ;
SATURDAY. June 7—Man has planted squash. 1 teat
like squash, but my fourth cousin, the triangular squash
bug, just dotes on them. I wish his beans would hurry
up and sprout. We haven't had any tender green stuff)
for a week. Of course we can't eat the weeds; that*
a bargain we have with the weeds.
SATURDAY. June 14—Those beans were fine. 1%*
second crop is always best. Out of four rows we ate
all in three rows and half of those in the fourth, 7%^
things the man said this morning were shocking.
SATURDAY, June 28—Oh, well, everything must have «s end. All
tie cut-worms are going to move over into the next yard where ttusMh a
dandy garden. The man here is such a meaa quitter he has raked ft
over end planted gross seed
r EL HIBBS see* no reason for
raising such a hullabaloo over
this new Angled notion of sleeping
out of doom. He say* he sleeps on
♦he front stoop himself about, three
1 nights a week when he’s not able
to locate the keyhole or arouse any
of the members of hi* family He
rather tikes it. It helps remove
that mauve taste from the mouth,
and your tongue feels less like the
beard of a prophet in the morning.
Many of the girls in town are
i£E*Ji5 fjyfjjgd to the season at
The Rural Editor’s Scrap Book
Obpyrifht,
the seashore with a great deal of
pleasure One young lady from
this town got her bathing suit
wet last Summer. Those Summer
thunder showers come up so
quickly that you are unable to
reach shelter sometimes.
Deacon Norwood has success
fully tried out a scheme of graft-
v££ --*• g§ 'ittfrff 11 *
ISIS tv tri- *tar OofMv Great Britain Rjjhte Rneerrvi
in order to produce self-raising
umbrellas. At least so Dame
Rumor Bays, and the Dame bat*
about .400 in the Truth League.
Here’s hoping our local base
ball team does better this season
than last.- They were so far be
hind last year you couldn't tell
whether they were last In 1912
or tat In l&i r . 1'
From the frequency with which
the oil wagon stops at a certain
house on the ridge and with
which the daughter of the house
cleans the parlor lamp we should
say that Cupid was about to get
out his range finder and land
two more hearts. What aay you,
Let?
port Abner Sneed as village
treasnrer. In the first place, hi*
training as manager of the glue
factory on the ridge has taught
him how to make a icent ge a
great ways.
YY> are going to take up our
ge'PMtoa pencil to wjpaly gun-.
Old Noefl Stone woe calling os
the Widow Beemer one night last
week, and the fire of love got to
burning so strongly within him
that the heat cracked hia grafts
eye right In two. Never mtrwi
Noe!, the course of true lm
nsaat dig-DiA uuaUk