Newspaper Page Text
HEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, CIA., SUNDAY, MAY 11, 1913.
T ^HQIJT ''Y'— T. E. Powers, the Famous Cartoonist
JL. Jtm* Copyright. 1813, by th« Star CompHny. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
THIS KNIFE
WON'T CUT THE
STEAK'
I SHOULD WOSR.T
AND LOSE
AY APPETITE
A
*J
[ SHOULD WORRY ) ^ .
AND Eat a Fouujj"^.
/
v
jSEE WHAT You DID Tb
/AY SHIRT'
rShould worry
AND AAAKE
wrinkles
*
That hen You solo '
MZ IS A
Rooster and
wonY lay any
£QC,S
r I Smou lO
WORRY AhO QET
The pip-
*
' I SHOULD
| WORRY % r
Get a wrinkle, 1
BETTER, BE
CAREFUL OR
japan will
\Getmad
You KNOCKED THAT I f T SHOULD
Farmers cart / worry AND
l <tET a horse
OUEft. 1
IM
MOTHER SAYS SHE CAN'T \ ) 1 SHOULD WORR,Y
come, she's Qot The mumps ){ And set a qlooa
>
-< A-
Tour,
TAIL0R5
Bill,
V^n
\k J-h
ISnt she The
bralen
THlNC^y
I should worry
AND QET A DIVORCE. 1
■ L jtYlHi'i! ,1-
I \ '
lUsiK'y?- *A"'
j'* *V‘*Y
:!•' ‘i : **}'••' <i
■ $ '• ■•■■■’ '
I SHOULD
Vs/ORRY and
Have A
FIT,
r
I SHOULD WORRY
y Bill Your wife has
Eloped with the janitor ) 7and<hEtathirst
&)
J
i #=
fj % 5 CL
Signs of
the Times
Copyright, 1913. by the Star Company*
Great Britain Rights Reset-red.
ITT HEN YOU 9EE
The doctor making his way
leisurely to your neighbor's house
It Is a sign the man who lives
there took off his heavy ones too
early.
The doctor and a nurse making
a mad rush for this house, It Is a
different kind of Spring sign, alto
gether.
A woman who Is always smiling
In public, It is a sign she never has
any smiles left for home.
The above woman's husband hur-
ryng away from the house, It Is a
sign he’s going to some place on
the corner and have his smiles
mixed for him.
Something coming up In your
garden, It is a sign It Is a weed.
Your wife skipping the newest
8oandal In the paper and reading
the advertising pages. It is a sign
you will lose money.
The weather report reading “Fair
and Warmer,” It Is a sign you
should take your heavy coat and
umbrella.
“Return To-morrow” on the of
fice door, It is a sign the man who
occupies the office is a fan.
A room full of people going Into
convulsions, It Is a sign they are
dancing the tango.
A square-jawed man walking ten
times around the square, it is a
sign he is a fresh air fiend, not a
cubist.
A woman pass a mirror without
looking in it, It Is a sign she didn't
see it.
A show that you really like,,It is
a sign the critics have roasted it.
A story about police graft, it is
a sign the scene is laid in New
I York.
Two souls with but a single
thought, It Is a sign you should
run along without trying to guess
what the thought is.
f-
k.
All It
Not
Gold
J
THE MORNING SMILE
Wex Jones, Editor
That’.
Sold in
Brick..
From the Lectures of the Well*
Wild Insects I Have Met— Prof. I. M. STUNG.
Copyright, 1813, by the Star Company Great Britain Rights reserved.
The Grasshopper.
Yol. II.
Atlanta, Sunday, May 11, 1913.
No. 22.
Mutton the
Best Food
Government Cook Books Give the
Sheep a Boost It Won't
Appreciate.
M TTTTON Is better than
beef.
So say the govern
ment experts.
Mutton tastes better than
beef.
If you don't think so, you're
agin the' government and your
preference for beefsteak is
treasonable In the extreme.
At this moment a large flock
of sheep is being mobilized to
march on Washington to enter
a protest against the govern
ment’s declaration, which mean*,
of course, their finish.
A delegation of steers will
also march to Washington, but
they will uphold the action of
the experts and ask them to de
clare beef to be positively in
jurious to the human system
LESSONS IN ART.
To draw a wagon, hire a
horse.
IT
'"L
Our Short
Story
gANG!
[Note,—-This if the shortest
short ttory ever written. The
bang represents the shot which
ended the oareer of the hero. It
is the ehocttfuleet story of oettr.n
toe have ever printed.]
DID YOU KNOW THAT-
The Hope Fishing Club has al
most as much fish as hope?
Colonel Morris thinks that
A book of verse, underneath itie
bough,
A loaf of bread, a jug of wme,
and thou.
is poor dope if the loaf 1b stale,
the wine sour and "thou" a
shrew?
T HE grasshopper, ladies and gentlemen, affords a lively subject for
my lecture. There was a time when the social grasshopper wore
only kilties, and talked with a smoky accent aa he knocked a
golf ball over the "Scootch Heather-r-r."
But he has wandered far afield, and to-day, on any fine Sunday after
noon, our moet active church workers may be seen hopping over the
grass on various links, swatting the gutta percha ball over the green
sward and urging the hlgh-ball down their aesophagi.
Our social grasshopper’s scientific name is “Golphus Piendicus.” He
garbs himself In gum shoes, flannel trouserB, a small cap and a big
thirst. Then, with a lot of sticks In an umbrella stand he sallies forth,
shouts “fore,” and proceeds to play the game.
The social grasshopper is almost human at times, but not when
he is hopping over the grass trying to knock the ball clear off into stellar
space. There are times, however, when he breaks a stick or looeens a
yard or two of turf or foozles, when he pauses and addresses remarks
to everything In general that Uncle Sam wouldn’t allow through the
mails In an asbestos envelope.
There are also female grasshoppers, or gTasshopperesses, who or
dinarily look quite attractive, but when about to land an upper out on
the ball they toe In, twist sideways, bow out one limb, knock-knee the
other, elevate one sboalder, depress the other and adopt a facial expres
sion Indicative of a violent sod nearly fatal attack of convulsions super
induced by encumbers, green apples, welsh rarebit and ptomaines.
The “Golphus FYendloue,” or social grasshopper. Is usually unable
to walk three blocks, from the train to the club house, or even walk
across the street on an errand, but will walk around eighteen holes on
the golf links, hopping along with all the grace and cheerfulness of a
sacred Ibex getting through a hedge.
The Housefly.
Pish live in the water because
they are so fond of swimming?
On to Washington!
Suburban Hints
FrogB would never come out of
the water If they oould Jump aa
well there as they do on land?
To draw a cheque, open a bank
count.
To draw an elephant, buy a
locomotive.
To draw the curtain—we’re
doing It now on this series
OUR WEEKLY HEALTH HINT.
Never insult a barber while
he s shaving you,
To foil the cut worm, don't
leave anything around for him to
cut, and he will soon die of dis
appointment.
A beautiful greenhouse can be
made of watch crystals If you
have enough of them.
To foil the angle worm, keep
him In a perfect circle, and when
he finds that he has no angles he
will resign.
Should your house be too far
from the station, write the rail
road a polite letter asking them
to move their line closer.
Oysters live In the water be
cause they have no Initiative?
Bubbles appear In water be
cause they mistake It for oham-
pagne?
Water oolore are not the color
of water?
Should your house catch fire,
it is advisable to extinguish the
flames,
Life In the country Is never so
Joyous as when you're in town
for the day,
Watered silk is not the same
as watered stock?
A hen gets mad when It is wet
but water doesn’t mind how wet
it is?
E VERYBODY works but the housefly. This social pest will stick
around she house aod allow his wife to take in back stairs to
clean, or even get a Job in the brick yard so he can stick around
the house.
The soelsl housefly la not afraid of work. So far work has never
frightened him In the least except when some Ignoramus makes the
suggestion that he, the hvman housefly, do the work himself. That
always makes the housefly real peevish and he will take to his bed If
there is any chance that he may be called upon to work.
This lazy social housefly Is regular at his meals, fond of a good pipe,
a good drink and a good nap. He Is generally as useful In any home
as an orobtd on an Iceberg, and as busy as a sun dial during a thunder
storm.
The housefly Is a beast of prey. He will capture some good-hearted,
simple-minded girl, marry her, then sink hack into the morris ehalr
and let her support him.
Swat the social housefly!
The Cutworm.
T HE cutworm la a social Joke. It is the simplest thing in the world
to make a social cutworm The scientific definition of a social
cutworm is a female snob who is not at all certain of her position
in society..
Take one plain female. The plainer she is the more snobby and
cutty (also catty) she Is. Call her Jane Snooks before marriage. She
was probably brought up In a family of eleven, whose father shoveled
Bmoke, or coal, or eomethtng, and she married BUI Jonee because he
had a pretty good Job driving a laundry team.
Now BUI invented a machine, say, that would enable laundries to
desiccate a shirt at one washing and so got a million dollars for his
patent. He then got Into politics without getting found out and doubled
his million a couple of times.
Now look at plain Jane Bnooks who married Bill Jones! She rides
about In a limousine wearing three strings of polls hidden between some
of her chin, and she calls herself Mrs. W. Montmorency de Jhones.
Here is where Jane Bnooks, that was, becomes a genuine all-around,
all-fired social cutworm. She sees Mrs. Blank, who used to let Jane's
mother do her washing and so keep the Bnooks family from starving.
She looks at Mrs. Blank. Mrs. Blank bows and smiles. Mrs. W. Mont
morency de Jhones tnrns up her nose, thrusts out her chla, the top one,
gives an Icy glare and—presto—she has cut Mrs. Blank!
Cohen’s Philosophy
By IRVING BERLIN, Author of a Hundred Hits.
Oopniffht. IMS, by th« Company. Britain Rlrhta Reserved
/
S OLOMON OOHEN was writing,
A letter to sweet Jenny Bloom;
He wrote her, “My honey, I love you like money,”
When his father came into the room;
He looked over Solomon’s shonlder, ,
And saw him write down, "Angel dear”;
He then looked to see that no one was looking,
And whispered In Solomon's ear;
”Solomon, don’t be a fool,
Remember I’m older than you;
My father before me was wise like a fox,
And his father before him was, too;
Tablisky, who had common sense,
Said a stitoh in times saves yon expense;
Call her honey, and angel, and sweet darling pet;
Even say that you'll marry her, but don't forget,
Don’t handle a pen till yon must sign a check.
What you say In the letter you oannot take beok.
A bird in the hand is worth two In the bush,
And a letter in oourt is worth barrels of eush.
Remember last Summer I told you and ma
I lost seven thousand that day on a car?
Well, I told her a lie and it out like a knife
Because I have never been robbed in my life.
Twas a note I had written to Finkelstein'* wife;
So, Solomon, don’t be a fool.”