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HEARSTTS SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA, *GA., SUNDAY, MAY 11, 1913.
Cherry Valley
Notes
By Old Joe Bigger.
H ERB MERRILL Is all bunted
up. Comin home frum Cleve
land he rwallered hi* ticket,
and wouldn't pay erauther tare.
The conductor punched him all
over, so's he wouldn't mlas the
ticket.
A 25 cent clrcui wuz In our mldat
Saterday. The manager told me
he didn’t expect tew make a for-
tune at that price, but that he
hoped tew git some winter quar
ters.
Dave Hulett he* hed hU ottee-
motiyle engine apart for two weeks
lookln for the dead center, what he
sez must be all worn out, for evry
time It gits round to that place the
hull machine stops runnln. The
travelln agent he got her frum
writ him and sed that wuz what’s
the matter.
Matilda Musk can’t take part In
the barefoot Sufraglsts tabalew.
She dropt a angel food cake she
baked when she wuz takln it out
of the oven, brulsln It sumthln
awful.
After June. Hepsln Drake will
be able tew take a rest. He's bln
allflred busy workln his son’s way
through colege
Jim Mulk, who hez played evry-
tblng In our silver cornet band, Is
goin In fer sumthln new to spring
on us. He hez sent tew Noo York
for a set of shoe horns what he
seen advertised.
Ain't It pesky annoyln to hev a
fergitful reckerlectlon ? Ylsterdy
when I wuz glvln a feller a ride In
my 20 horse power runnerbout he
ast me If I hed cranked her afore,
we started, and for the life for me
1 couldn't tell. So I stopt her and
done It.
We caln't hev no meetlns In our
church fer two Sundays. The wife
of Deaeon Masters cum upon Kcv.
Salt' rs sudden like when he wuz
v.orkin in his garden Jest after ho
had put a large piece of flnecut In
his mouth, and when she tried tew
talk tew him he motioned that he
had the mumps.
A feller In the Little Gem Res
taurant found a pearl In a egg. Old
Man Toner hez bln eatln eggs
there three times a day since. He
.oz he bc-leeves thats what makes
him want tew set so much.
A Case of Phoney Telepathy—Over the Phone
T HE scene ts Hie home of the Olayhanymrs
•it Atlanta. Ur. Olayhanyer is in an
irritable state of mind over the failure
of a pet financial tcheme, which, had if turned
out the way he expected, would have enabled
him to make a large payment on a raoiny oar.
Ae affaire etand, he oan now make but a small
payment. Mrs. Olay hanger oomes in breezily.
The hour is one in the afternoon.
M RS. C.—Good afternoon, dear. (Kisses
him lightly.) ,
MR. C. (Without great joy)—Gafter
noon.
MRS. C. (Coming at once to the thought tn
her mind)—Joslah, would you mind letting me
have some monoy? I'm going shopping this
afternoon with Mrs. Rushmore. She Is to call
for me with her machine at two.
MR. C.—My dear Marla, you must think I
have a private minting muchlue downtown! 1
gave you thtrty dollars no less than three days
ago.
MRS. C. (Quietly)—And I bought a mattress
with It to stop your complaints. I need u few
you spend about twlco us much as you ought to.
(Mrs. 0. elghe a resigned sigh and takes off
her hat. tihe has expected that Joslah would
reoeivc her request in fust this manner. In
fact, before she left Mrs. Rushmore, she indi
cated to that lady that if she succeeded in
gouging any monoy from her devoted husband
it would be over his unconscious form. Further
more, Mrs. 0. knows that Mr, 0. contemplates
making a payment on a racing oar, which ob
ject she considers ridiculous and unnecessary
to the GUiyhangcr joy. She knows that at the
precise moment of their conversation Mr. 0. has
fifty or sixty dollars in his pocket and that
this money toill be lavished upon the sinful
raring car unless she prevents it. She oomes
out of her bedroom, sits down at a table and
begins a game of solitaire. Mr. C., overcome
with a feeling of deep guilt, tries to hide be
hind liis newspaper.)
MRS. C. (After placing the cards in silence
.for ton minutes)- My dear, did you ever stop to
think of the wonderful power of the human
mind 1
MR. C. (Relieved that the subject has chang-
"Can
you
tell
me
which
card
I
have?”
clothes, and you are badly in need of hosiery,
shirts and underwear. You are getting to lie a
positive skinflint, Joslah. You have plenty of
money.
MR. C. (Earnestly and without particular
truth) Indeed, Marla, I tun actually hard up.
I’ve never seen money so tight. Can't you put
off this shopping expedition until later on? I
don’t need shirts so badly. Tell Mrs. Rushmore
that you’ve been taken ill. That woman makes
cd from money matters) No, I can'fc»«ay that
I’ve gone into the question.
MRS. (’. (Musingly, half to herself) It is in
deed wonderful. It, is only lately that I have
become convinced of a new mental phenomenon.
Are you aware. Joslah, that thought transfer
ence. or, as it is sometimes termed, mental
telepathy, is now a fact among scientists?
MR. C. (Reading) -Uh, huh.
MRS. ('. One can convey one's thought to
another person at a distance without seeing
that person, without forming any connection or
without Informing the absent one that a
thought Is to be sent. It Is all very miraculous.
MR. C. (Suddenly stopping his reading)—
Maria, don’t be ridiculous. If you telephone a
Iierson, all right. If you send a person a let
ter, all right If you aend a wire, correct. But
If you mean that you can tell a person at a
distance something without doing anything but
merely thinking, then I say that you’ll have to
have your head examined at once.
MRS. 0. (Smiling in a superior way)—It Is
only your Ignorance. Joslah, that makes you
speak that way. You also doubted that man
would fly In the air before It was done.
MR. C.—That’s entirely different. Now,
when you—
MRS. C. (Interrupting)—I hold here In m.v
hand five cards. They are the ace, king, queen,
Jack and ten-spot of diamonds. I suppose that
if you selected one of these cards you think
I could not give the information of which card
you selected to somebody miles away, without
doing anything but thinking.
MR. C. (Laughing sardonically)—Muria,
don't be silly. This isn’t the age of witchcraft.
ilHS. Q.—Nevertheless, I am willing to con
vince you that it can be done.
MR. C.—It canot be done. Absolutely, un
less you send word In an ordinary way, It CAN
NOT be done.
MRS. C.—Since you are so headstrong, I will
bet you anything you like that it can be done
and that I can do It.
MR. C. (Thinking of the. fifty ddllars and of
the necessity of protecting it)—I have fifty dol
lars that I must pay—that I owe a man the
first thing to-morrow, my dear, but I will gladly
bet you fifty that your ridiculous proposition
can not be carried out. (Mrs. 0. at once hunts
through her handbag and brings to light eleven
dollars.)
MRS. C. (Mournfully)—I have but eleven
dollars, Josiah, but—
MR. C. (Generously)—What’s the difference?
With such a nonsensical thing before us, the
odds will not matter. I would bet a thousand
dollars to eleven, if I had the thousand. I will
bet you fifty dollurs—and I owe the fifty to a
man—to your eleven that you can’t tell any
body what card I select.
MRS. C.—Very well, Joslah; the bet Is taken,
l’ut up your money on the table.
MU. C. (Slightly uneasy)—Are you going to
do it immediately?
MRS. C.—The sooner, I he better.
(Mr. G. regains confidence as he thinks of the
absurdity of the wager and places his roll of
fifty dollars beside Mrs. C.'s eleven_ Mrs. ('.
arranges the five cards in her hand.)
MRS. C. (Rubbing her hand across her brow)
■—I must have a short time to concentrate after
you have picked your card. I must think
deeply.
(Mr. O. grins. He reflects that he will now
be able to pay sixty-one dollars instead of fifty
on the racing car. He selects the ten-spot of
diamonds from his xcife’s hand.)
MR. C. (Happily)—There you are, wife. The
ten-spot. Now how are you going to Inform
somebody else ’which card I picked. And who
Is the someone else?
MRS. C. (Closing her eyes)—I must think.
Do not disturb me.
(Mr. C., being of a deeply suspicious nature,
pulls down the blinds for fear his wife may
signul some one. lie sits down and waits. The
certainty of copping off his wife’s lone eleven
gives him unholy joy. Wives should not gam
ble when they Imre such small sums. Being a
sensible man, Mr. C. knows that his wife's at
tempt must result in utter failure. Mrs. C.
suddenly appears to be coming out of her spell
of deep-sea thought.) ,
MRS. C. (In a hollow voice)—Go to the tele
phone, Joslah, and ask central for Ivy 842611.
Ask for Miss Colt, one of our Higher Thought
Club members. When she answers, ask her
what card you have just selected from your
wifcVs hand and she Will tell you. I am now
pouring the thought into her mind. I am forc
ing her to see you iu the act of touching the
ten-spot of diamonds. It Is the ten-spot of dia
monds, Miss Colt. (Mrs. C. again closes her
eyes.) Do not mistake. Miss Colt; it is the ten-
spot of diamonds that Mr. Clayhanger has se
lected.
(Mr. G. gives vent to a grunt of ridicule.
This is babyish. Blit eleven dollars are in
volved. He goes to the telephone, asks central
for Ivy 81262 and yets it.)
MR. C. (Politely)—I would like to speak to
Miss Colt, please.
SWEET VOICE—This is Miss Colt. Who ie
speaking?
MR. C. (Even more politely)—This Is Mr.
Josiah Clayhanger, Miss Colt. I do not know
you. but my wife does. I have Just made a
rather ridiculous wager with ter (laughing)
and I hope you will not take offense, but she
asked me just now to ask you to tell me what
card I have selected from her hand. Can you
tell me?
SWEET VOICE—Yes, x indeed, Mr. Clay-
lmnger. You have selected the ten-spot of dia
monds from Mrs. Clayhanger’s hand. Is that
all? Good-by.
(Mr. C. hangs up the receiver with the dumb
motions of a man who has been hit on the head
by a pile-driver. Hr turns. His wife is already
gathering in the sixty-one dollars. Mr. G. is
unable to articulate.)
MRS. C. (Gravely)- Yon see, Joslah, one
must not doubt the wonders of modern ad
vance. I know by your face that Miss Colt
answered correctly. I felt that our mental
connection was unbroken and clear. (Singing
a blithe ditty Mrs. G. goes into her room and
begins to dress. She is absent some time.
After a while a motor horn honks in the street
below. Mrs. C. reappears, clad for the street.)
MRS. C. (Gaily)—Good-by, dear. I am going
downtown with Mrs. Rushmore. (She kisses
the bald spot on Mr. C.’q head and leaves that
gentleman in a state of semi-coma. Goes out.
Shuts the door.)
MR. C. (Staring at the spot on the table
which had contained the sixty-one beans)—
How In the name
of the murder did
she do itf How
could that female
tell which card I
picked ? I might
have picked the
queen. Maria
could not tell
which card I
would select.
Gosh hang it!
Lemme think.
Demine think
deep, like Maria.
(Mr. 0. pon
ders. He takes a
little drink to stir
up thought. He
lights cigar and
walks about his
rooms, hands be
hind his back, a
frown upon his
pale brow. Now
and then he
reaches into his
pocket where the fifty had erstwhile reposed
and grows sad. Suddenly he stops and bangs
a fist into a palm.)
MR. C.—By Gorry! (He goes to the tele
phone book and looks up Mrs. Rushmorets tele
phone number. The number is Ivy 84262. Mr. O.
groans. The light begins to flicker in upon his
intelligence.)
MR. C—Sucker! Boob! I begin to remem-
bor that game, now that it Is too late. Why,
it’s easy. I’m a yap. Maria fixed it up with
Mrs. Rushmore. I’m stung. It didn't make
any difference what card I selected. “Miss
Colt” meant the ten-spot. I suppose if I’d
picked the queen I would have had to ask for
“Miss Murray,” and the Jack would have been
“Miss Brown.” Shoot me, someone. Good-by,
racing car; so long.
(Mr. 0. puts on his hat. He has thirty-five
cents, lie goes out intending to spend it all
in the most riotous and debauched way pos
sible. In a motor car speeding downtown to
the shops Mrs. Rushmore giggles while Mrs.
Clayhanger relates the incidents. They stop
before a very expensive store. They enter.)
“I’m a Waiter”
%
One of the Songs from “Maid in Germany,”
The Annual Shpw of the Mask and Wig Club, of the Univer
sity of Pennsylvania.
CopyiWht, 1V13, bjr tJ»e Star Onropanj. Great Britain Right* Reierrea
I
I 'M a waiter, but I really hate to serve.
A lot of things I’m called upon each day.
And 1 hate to serve a clam.
Or a histrionic ham.
P ' at serving dainty chickens I’m “au lad.”
Oh, I love to serve a filet, on my soul;
Vv hen a pretty little filly comes to eat.
And the filly from old Phill y
Knocks me silly, willy, nilly—
To sene them hand and foot is just a treat.
CHORUS:
I'm a waiter. I'm a waiter, arAd Pm sore:
I've been waiting all my life, unhappy fate:
I have waited on a table, an d I've waited on a door,
And I’ve waited for a train when it was late.
I have waited on a corner, where I've waited on a maid,
Yes, I’ve waited till I’m weighted down with woe;
I’m a mighty small potater when it comes to being waiter.
But I’ll wait a little longer, then I’ll go.
II
As a waiter 1 have served most everything.
I'd be Balkan though, to Servia Turkey Greece.
When a judge once ordered pie.
Well. I made no tart reply.
But just brought it in and let him keep the piece.
1 can serve both a la carte and table d’hote;
And I’ve served for every nation old and new,
German, French, Ital an. Spanish,
English, Russian, Turkish, Danish;
And I’ve even gone and ser ved the Irish stew.
CHORUS:
I'm a waiter. I’m a waiter, and I note. 4
That the average waiter waiting is a crime:
! have waited on a sufhaget te. who’s waiting on a vote.
And we both will have to wait an awful time.
1 have waited on a Duchess, but 1 won't wait on the Dutch.
Oh, I’ve waC-d til! I m weighted down with woe;
I’m a public educator. Pm a patient, willing waiter,
Y et I ii wart bu: little longer, then Til go.
Frank Mullane,.
in
vaudeville,
Tells These
“I
Copyright. 11)13, by the Star Company.
'M a bad guy,'' said Cohen to Meyers. "I'm a
tough guy.”
“How’s (hat, Cohen?’’ asked MeyerB. “How
bad are you?”
“I'm a murderer,” said Cohen with a scowl.
"Get out; vot do you mean, Cohen?”
“Veil, I vlll tell you, Meyers,” began Cohen. “Der
odder night 1 come homo late from vork, und I find
my vlfe sitting on der front stoop mlt another feller.
Vot do I do but take oud my pistols und shoot the
feller.’’
"My goodness; dot iKB terrible," said Meyers, in
alarm. "Hut, Cohen, bad as It is, it could be worse.”
"How could it be worse, Meyers?” <
Meyers looked-Cohen over carefully and then
said:
“1 will tell you how It could be worse, Cohen—I
was sitting on der stoop de night before."
C ASEY' announced to his good wife, Ellen, that
he was going to the hall game. All day he
was gone. Night came, hut no Casey to take
his place at the head of the table. Midnight and no
Casey. One o’clock—2 o'clock—it o'clock—no Casey.
As the 6 o'clock whistles began to blow Casey
stumbled up the
fy. ( fgg
fi ;* ...
front stairs into
tho house and
awakened friend
wife by his efforts
to negotiate the
stairs.
She hopped out
of bed and met
her better half
in the hallway.
•’WELL?" said
Mrs. Casey, with
d e t e r m 1 nation
written on her
Amazon face.
"Sal-rite, lllin,"
said Casey, weak
ly. "The game
wuz called on
’count of day
light!”
R OBLITZSKI went nto a cafe to get a drink—a
very unusual thing for Robbv to do.
“It's der huiaididdy." said he as he quaffed
his drink and laid a half dollar on the bar. The bar
tender handed him back a quarter.
"Why its dis- u quarter tor a drink? i can get
Great Britain Right* Baser*od.
a drink any place for a dime!" yelled Roblitzski.
“It’s the decorations,” said the bartender. “Look
at the beautiful etchings, the matchless paintings,
and the exquisite bitB of marble. This, sir, is a very
high-class cafe.”
Roblitzski pocketed his quarter and shuffled out,
grumbling as he went.
About a month later he came in with a bandage
tied tightly around his eye*. He felt his way along
until his fingers touched the bar.
"GUT to me a drink,” he said, quietly, and the
bartender poured it out. Roblitzski gulped it down
and walked out, leaving a dime oil the bar.
s
t lor Fun
Copyright, 11)13, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights K^aerveCL
“S
EE dat man ovur dar, Henry?”
"Yas. What ob it?”
"Dat man am a p’omotuh.”
"P’omotuh? What you’afl call a p’omotuh?”
“Whah, Henry, yo’ mean ’tell me dat you don’t
know de differation ob de word ‘p’omotuh’?”
"No—don’t.”
“Den Ah’ll tell you ’all, Henry. A p’omotuh am a
man who sells something he habben't got to some-
buddy who doesn’t want it.”
• • • s r
T AKE got a Job as a painter and was very happy
to think he had found something to do. After
y he had worked faithfully all day the foreman
came to him and said:
“Is your name Jake?”
"Dot is It my came," said Jake, with a deal of
apprehension.
“Well, there’s been a question raised about you
among the men. Show me your union card."
"YVhat is It a union card?’ asked Jake.
“It’s a card that you’ve got to have before I can
allow you to work. It’ll cost you fifty dollars.”
Poor Jake came back the next day with his fifty
and was given his card.
“Now r , before you get up on that scaffold you’ll
have to get a union suit.
Jake hunted out a haberdasher’s and was set
back to the tune of eighteen dollars for a union suit.
To his great Joy, and incidentally to the mirth of the
crew r with him, Jake was allowed to resume work.
That day at noon Jake slipped down on the rope3
and disappeared, and didn’t show back for work
until after three.
"Where In tarnation have you been?” yelled the
boss.
Jake never batted an eye. but said calmly:
"Over to der Union Depot to wash up,”
The Naked Truth.
W ILLIS—In the rearing of a boy, the proper
time to chastise him is when you’ve got
the goods on him.
Hillis—I differ there, old man. The proper tima
is when you’ve got the goods off him.
* * * i>m
The Accident.
T WO Scotchmen were out one very cold day.
One had no ear-muffs and was rubbing his
cars vigorously.
“Sandy, mon,” said the other, “I wonder you
would na wear yer ear muffs.”
“Nay, mon. I have na worn them since the acci
dent."
“The accident?"
“Yes. the squire asked me to have a drink and I
didna hear him.”
-* * *. -
Squire Desires Information.
T HERE was a ministerial meeting in an adjoin
ing county and Squire Duncan took advantage
of the excursion rate. No sooner had the train
reached Roekton. than the squire, who was round
and chubby and
short, visited a
barber shop.
"Please re
move your coat,”
suggested the
barber, who had
difflcultyln
trimming the
hair which hung
down the pa
tron’s neck.
Duncan reluct
antly complied.
"Please re
move your col
lar,” directed
the barber, when
shaving became
difficult.
rown on his
Goose Talk.
%
■§,/
Society Girl: But, Mama, all the
girls smoke!
Her Mother: I know it, dear; but
it stunts iittle girts. Promise mother
you will not smoke-until you arc
tv.enty-one.
The squire did so, but there was a
face.
“Now' we’ll Just open this shirt button,” said the
barber kindly, as he prepared the lathef.
"See here,” shouted the squire, sitting erect, "you
ain’t takln’ me for one of those long-faced preachers,
are you?”
* * *
An Incident a’ 1 the Movies.
E (pressing the hand of the lady next to him)
—I am Just crazy for them to turn up the
lights, so 1 can see you* face!
She—You needn't be—I’m your wife!
* + *
The Missing Name
A MEMBER of the Lambs Club says that one
morning during his engagement with a
Shakespearian actor, he was hurrying into
the tljpatre for rehearsal, when he observed a man
gazing at a big poster that represented the star la
the character of Henry V.
Just as the player vanished through the door hA '
heard the man exclaim with a note of disgust:
“Ain’t these actorB gottin’ fresh? Henry V. what?”
★ * *
Practice Makes Perfect.
AT* HE LONG GUY—I understand that you patron-
| ized a loan shark when you were pressed ^ 1
for money. Did he assist you In your ex
tremity?
The Short Guy—No. He pulled K.
* * *
l
Louis XIV.
A WASHINGTON clubman was ciceroning a
friend from the West through the social )
whirl of the National Capital.
"Who,” asked the Westerner, indicating a big,
good-looking fellow at one of the clubs, “is that dis
tinguished person?” ’
"That,” replied the Washingtonian tn the gravest
of tones, “is Louis the Fourteenth."
“Don’t be absurd!’’ exclaimed the friend. "What
do you mean?”
"Well, B7s name is Louis, and he is always invited
when, without him, there would be thirteen at table.”
Got the Drop.
A CERTAIN stingy son of Erin, upon seeing an
other Irishman Just going to drink a glass of
whisky, exclaimed:
"Hould on. Pat, let an ould friend have a drop, the
laste taste in the wurruld.”
His friend passed the glass, and the stingy one
emptied it. Pat was naturally annoyed and saiA,
“Bedad, I thought you said you only wanted a
drop?”
We may guess his feelings when he received the
reply:
"The drop I v,-anted was at the bottom."
* * *
•H
H
For a Cashier.
ANDSOME cashiers who get away with their
employer's money usually take the boss with
them,