Newspaper Page Text
A
TTEARST'S SUNDAY AMERICAN, ATLANTA. OA., SUNDAY. MAY 18, 1913.
3 CL
CONUNDRUMS OF LIFE
OopyrUfct, 1018. by th® 8t*r Oompany Ur®at Britiia RtfhU Rn*nrt
By T. E. Powers, the
■■ Famous Cartoonist
The Bachelor Envies the Married Man, and the Married Man-
Well, the Less Said About It the Better
HERE ARE THE BILLS
YouVe qoT to pay To
DAY-AND I NEED A
NEW HAT
The Rural
Editor’s
Scrap Basket
Copyright, 1913, by the Star Company.
Great Britain Rights Reserved.
O
TE SNODGRASS Is'nt riding
in his automobile these days
on account of engine troc.
Me A Southern engine knocked
it all to smithereens the other
afternoon.
Nigger Knight says those Eng
lish suffragettes are like a new
brood of puppies, because they
will do most anything for their
dogma For the love of mother,
have a heart, Mr. Knight.
Gossip has ft that, the reason
why the male residents of the
town are wearing their hair so
short these days Is because NIc
Nicola, the barber, has secured
a lady manicure right from At
lanta for the Summer boarder
trade, and the men tell their
wives they have got to get their
hair cut so they can stay longer
In the tonsorial parlor. Ain't
men the wretches. A word to
the wives is sufficient.
Hooks McCutcheon, the one-
armed man, says he feels his mis
fortune more than ever now that
the manicure has come to town.
Cheer up. Hooks, s'pose you had
no arms at all?
The baseball game on the va
cant lot In front of the Com
mercial House had to be post
poned last Saturday, owing to the
fact that Miller Whitney, the
catcher, couldn’t get fyJs catch
er's mitt. Mrs. Whitney had put
the baby to sleep on the mitt
as a pillow, and as the klddo
didn't wake up till 6 o’clock, the
game had to go over, because
Mrs. Whitney wouldn’t have the
child disturbed nohow, and ev
erybody knows how determined
Patience Whitney (nee Stubbs)
Is.
Our daily romance—The Yan
kees won another game to-day.
Nasty rumors have been clrcu-
< lating in this vicinity about a
certain druggist who is accused
of cutting up old Inner tires from
his automobile and selling them
for porous plasters. It is said
that criminal proceedings are
about to be brought against said
druggist.
/f- ^
Hot
Weather
Would Be
All Right
i
THE MORNING SMILE
Wex Jones, Editor
Vol. 4.
Atlanta, Sunday, May 18, 1913.
No. 23.
The Cruise of
the Cachalot
A. Stirring Tale of Water Adven
tures Along the Banks of the
Chattachoochee.-
HE Cachalot is a motor
J'' boat. That is, It is a boat
with a motor in it.
The motor kind of spoiled the
boat and the boat is too wabbly
for the motor. Otherwise they
get along nicely together.
Wf> pushed t.h Cachalot out
of th mud easily enough, but
the crew had a harder job pull
ing me out of it. As he got me
aboard he fell into the mud
himself and, being very tired,
I decided to leave him there.
A puff of wind came and
drifted the Cachalot up on an
other mudbank, where I spent
the night.
Although I was roughing it on
the leather locker seats, the
crew kicked loudly all night
about the hardships of his lot.
But then sailors are always
beefing.
(To Be Continued.)
The Day’s Short Story,
O LD gent in bleachers.
Ball hit towards him.
T will catch it.”
Bang!
Grady Hospital to have his
nose altered and repaired.
OUR WEEKLY HEALTH HINT.
1
Never stand in a draught or
under a falling building.
Fashion Hints
Skirts will not be worn any
longer this Summer; as a rule,
from 7 a. m. to 11:30 p. m.
Straw hats for men will be
worn on the head except in
windy weather, when they
should be worn in the hand.
Nothing is more appropriate
for the water than a bathing
suit.
Girls, among the younger set
especially, will be worn on the
arm.
During the Summer months
every girl with big feet will
wear white shoes.
, *
Many girls who don’t helieve
in spungles will nevertheless be
seen m freckles.
Did You Know That--
One plate of scrambled eggs
represents the work of twenty
average hens for three months?
Jenkins says that a cat may
look at a king but a mouse puts
it all over a cat when it comes
to queens?
Art is long but a piece of
string is longer?
Life is short but some pie
crust is shorter?
If you ran a motorcycle 100
miles you would be 99% miles
behind at the finish?
Unless, of course, you started
100 miles in front?
Hay will burn as well as to
bacco in a pipe and leaves no
tobacco sineil?
IN THE SMILE’S
LETTER BOX
PISCATORIAL.
To the Editor—Is there any
special w’ay of catching cat
fish? H. COUGH MANN.
(We suppose
catfish could be
caught by swim
ming after
them until
they become
exhausted, but
the usual’ way
is to get them
on a rod and
line.—Ed.)
WE NEVER WEAR ’EM.
To the Editor—Do you wear
straw hats to keep the sun off
or do you wear them because
everybody else does? Do you
wear a straw hat before a cer
tain date? B. BRAUN.
(W e never
wear a straw
hat. Come
again.—Ed.)
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS.
EXCHANGE—Will exchange a
lot for lots if the lots are lots
better than the lot; also will
exchange lots for a lot, if,-the
lot is lots better than the lots;
also have several lots; will ex
change the lot for a lot.
LOT’S WIFE, (Smile Office.)
SITUATION WANTED—Mos
quito of great penetration
would like position as steam
drill. MOE SQUITO, Tybee.
EXCHANGE—Will exchange kit
ten for cat. If all goes well
kitten will become cat later
and new owner will not be out
anything.
N. J., Decatur.
EXCHANGE—Automobile. one
tire slightly punctured; other
wise in perfect order. Will
exchange for phonograph
MUSICIAN (Smile Office)
Billings Builds a Bungalow i. 1 . HL
By Lewis Allen
The First Attack: Sinking the Foundation.
H ORACE BILLINGS built a corking bungalow (on paper). Then he
showed It to Mrs. Billings.
“H’mm,” remarked Mrs. Billings.
It must be admitted this was rather non-committal on her part.
‘‘What’s this dump-cart doing in the front yard?" asked Mrs. Billings,
looking at the plan her husband had drawn.
‘‘Dump-cart?” Billings looked at her pityingly. ‘‘Why, that’s a rho
dodendron In fnll bloom.”
"H’mm,” repeated Mrs. Billings.
Billings sighed. Women are so unappreciative. “You see here’s the
living room, beamed ceiling, open fireplace. We eat here. The kitchen
opens off here. Then there’s a sleeping room on either end ”
‘•Blither end?” said Mrs. Billings.
“Certainly,” he answered. "Why not?”
"Why say ’either end’? Why not decide just which end and then put
it there, and what’s "
“For goodness sake, Grace, ‘either end’ means both ends——”
“Why not say ’both ends’ then?”
“See the wide veranda, and the bnllt-ln bookshelves. What do you
think of It?” continued Billings, ignoring her comments.
"H’mm,” responded his wife, with all the enthusiasm of a waiter re
eeivlng a flve-oent tip.
“Just you wait until I get It built. Then you’ll be the proudest, hap
piest little woman in three States——”
"Who’s going to build It for yon?” asked the practical Mrs. Billings;
“and how can a woman be in three States at once and be happy?”
“Well," replied Billings, flushing dangerously, “a woman can be in
an argumnetative state, a talkative state and a state of impenetrable
density, and then she will be happy. As to who will build it, you now
behold architect, financier and builder. In other words, I am going to
build it myself. I ”
“You? Why, how ab~—”
“Further than that,” he hurried on, “I have bought the land, the foun
dation stones, and am going over this morning to put in the foundation
—‘sink the foundation,’ they call it. Want to come out with me in the
car?”
Mrs! Billings thought she would like the ride. She also haft a hunch
she would like to see her husband “sinking a foundation,” whatever that
was. So she rode out with him.
"This lot commands a splendid view of the country,” BlllingR ex
plained, when they reached the spot. "See—there are my men,” and he
pointed to a couple of sturdy citizens.
Billings called his two workmen over, pointed out the corner stakes
and began ot remove the sods.
“Bring those foundation stones down here,” he ordered.
"Better mak-a him oop high, on ds heel, she’s ”
“Never mind the suggestions, Tony—Just you and Pasquale get. busy
here.” ordered Billings, looking at hls wife out of the tail of his eye to
see if she noted how well he could boss a gang of men.
“No good,” timidly suggested Tony, jabbing the freshly opened earth
with a stick. "Better ”
“Put ’em there. I tell you,” ordered Billings: and with a grin Tony
and his friend got the heavy stones into position.
“But, Horace, all the other bungalows here set up on that ridge of
land—ours will look so queer. Besides, I am sure you cannot build a
bungalow. Tou are no carpenter ”
“Pouft Anyone can build a bungalow. Carpenters would charge
$250 for the work alone. Besides, It is classy to ”
“Meesta Beelings! Meester Heelings! Comes quick!” shouted Tony.
Billings hurried over to him. Mrs. Billings had another hunch, got
out of the ear and followed.
"Look a!” grinned Tony, pointing to the corner sites of the bungalow,
where the sods had been removed.
“Well, what about itf” asked Billings.
"Da stone,” answered Tony.
"Yes, the foundation stones belong there. Put ’em there,” he an
swered curtly.
“I put-a heem there.”
“You what? Where are they?”
“Sink-a out-a sight,” grinned Tony.
“Oh—ah, yes, to be sure,” answered Billings, considerably flustered.
“Merely an experiment as to the nature of the soil. Haul some more
stones up there on the knoll, Tony, and to-morrow well make the foun
dation——”
“Oh, yes. I see now, Horace,” Mrs. Btlllngs said sweetly, but not so
sweetly that tiie sarcasm failed to ooze from her words. “I see now.
This is what you Called ‘sinking the foundation,’ ” and she laughed one
of those hard, irritating, murder-inciting laughs.
“Genius and ability were ever laughed at,” growled Billings, "hut
you take a ride out here next week and see how much I have got done.”
“If you have as good luck as you did to-day, yonr work will be out of
sight,” laughed Mrs. Billings.
Limericks at the Movies
Oryprrlffit, 1018. by th® Star Qompany.
A YOUNG man who** last name
was Wl8ter
Took a girl to the movies and
kiater.
Although 'twas quite dark,
He for sure hi,t the mark,
For she yelled in a loud voice,
"Oh; Mieter.”
A HENPECKED old man, so
we’ve heard,
Took in every show that occurred.
When asked why, said he,
“In the films that you see
The women eay never a word."
S AID a legitimate actor, “Gad-
zooks!
It’s like watching a lot of danged
spooks;
But folks don’t throw at the
screen
Ona* Britain !U»btn KmarrM
Things that are passe and green,
Like storage eggs, cabbage or
cukes.”
A YOUNG chap who’d ne’er seen
^ the ocean
For the movie shows took a
strange notion.
Said he: “I declare.
It’s like being there,
To elt here and watch it In mo
tion."
A N OLD Dutchman would never
unbuckle
From his favorite game of pin
ochle
Till the picture shows’ lure
Gave him fun, “chemic’ly pure.”
And for hours he would sit there
and chuckle