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Up-to-Date
Jokes
When Professor Rokltanskt, of Vi
enna. was asked 1# he had any sons
he answered. "Four.”
"And what professions have they
chosen ?**
"Two howl and two heal," was the
laconic reply.
A couple of his sons were public
singers and the other two were doc
tors
Where have you been, Frank?"
"In Manchester."
"What were you doing there?"
"I ran a photograph gallery."
"Did you get anything to do?”
"Well, I should say I did. I put
out a sign, ‘Babies taken here,’ and
next morning there were four of them
left on the doorstep.”
J
The Man Held Her Tight in His Arms.
Just Dogs
4 i'l* "J" OTHING is more like a man
. ^ than a dog is." declared the
candy store proprietor. "I’m
just like a dog myself I even know
what a dog is thinking more than half
the time when I am watching him.
"Yesterday I saw a dog a block and
a half away. I knew at once that some
thing was wrong with him. He bad a
'sneaky, uncomfortable look He hung
his head. As I passed him the dog
hailed me after the fashion of fellows
o' the same guild and with the same
jgrirti of comradeship:
"Suddenly - ‘Danny!’ The word of re
proof smote the air. Danny had known
all the time that the woman who owned
him was watching him, waiting for a
chance to give him a rebuke. That’s
why he had the famous hangdog ex
pression. He knew that It was im
possible for him to keep free from
sooloing. I knew how he felt.
"Some dogs are very particular not
to speak to you until you have spoken
to them first. There is a scraggy dog
that comes to our house from time to
time, visits for a few days, and then
departs either to go home or to visit
somewhere else We may not see him
again for a month or six weeks
‘Must the other day he appeared at
otir house The kids were playing on
the porch and didn’t see him He saun
tered into the yard in a casual sort of
wa> and lay down on the lawn, watching
the children with a very alert expres
sion
"Finally one of them saw him and
cried, ‘Why. there's Pahs' That is our
name for him, since we do not know
his real name
"At this greeting Babs tore up the
porch steps and nearly wiggled himself
Into a frazzle in his delight. I am like
that.
"A dog is very hitter in his hatred
of flies, fleas, cats and firecrackers He
hates lik« sin to have to get out of the
way oof an automobile, and music and
carpet dust nearly kill him Ha Is so
like me In these things "
Act Quickly
Don't wait until you have Borne ail
ment caused by poor digestion,
biliousness, or by inactive bowels
which may lead to a serious sickness.
Immediate relief is afforded by
that best corrective and preventive
BEECHAM’S
PILLS
Sold •▼erjrwhere. la I>oxm, 10c., 25c.
CHAPTER V.
W HEN Jennie got home that
nig-ht she told her boarding
house keeper she was going
out the next day—being Sunday—
with Tom. They were going into the
country and have dinner at some lit
tle 1nn fhat Tom knew about. So the
next morning she hurried out to
w-here she was to meet THE MAN.
He was waiting for her with a big
touring car and a chauffeur to drive
It. And Jennie, in her plain little
white dress, couldn’t help but look in
wide-eyed wonder at such luxury and
grandeur, and could hardly realize
that she was going to ride in it all day
long.
THE MAN helped her in, and was
very' careful to arrange the robes
"Just so," and explained to her ;t
would never do for his little "pal” to
get echllled.
Oo-! Golly! Thought Jennie, this fa
even better than the taxicab- and the
cushions were so soft and "comfy,"
And so they rolled on and on, until
early afternoon, when" they came to
the quaintest looking little hotel that
nestled in the trees by the side of the
road. And THE MAN said they were
going to have the daintiest luncheon
that Jennie ever tasted The landlord
bowed and smiled, and seemed very
happy to see THE MAN, and ushered
them into a private room, where the
table was all set as if waiting for
them. And everything had an air of
being prearranged. But Jennie was
so happy she didn't notice it, or the
side glances of understanding between
the landlord and THE MAN—as if he
had been there many times before.
THE MAN ordered cocktails, and it
tasted so warm and nice to Jennie
that she didn't soy no, when THE
MAN asked her to have another one
before they ate their luncheon. After
the second one, Jennie felt so happy
she wanted to sing and laugh both at
the same time, and didn't quite real
ize at first when THE MAN held her
tight in his arms and was kissing
her
• • • • •
An hour or two after Jennie ha«1
loft the house that morning: Tom came
over for her to go out with him to
spend Sunday as they both had be
come accustomed to do. Jennie's
boarding house friend was 'great’y
surprised when she saw Tom—for
Jennie had told her she was going
out with Tom that day.
Tom told her there had been no
definite arrangement made, but had
Just come over to call for Jennie
the same as he had always done. And
then Jennie’s friend realized for th?
first time that the little girl had lied
to her.
—HAL COFFMAN
(To Be Continued.)
Well Versed.
Ik>rd Duff or in delivered an address be
fore the Greek class of the McGill Uni
versity. about which a reporter wrote:
"His I.ordship spoke to the class in
the purest ancient Greek, without mis
pronouncing a word or making the
slightest grammatical solecism."
"Good heavens!" remarked Sir Hector
I Angevin to the late Sir John A Mac
Donald, "how did the reporter know
that?"
"I told him,' was the Conservative
statesman's answer.
‘‘But you don't know Greek."
"True hut I know a little about poli
tics."
PLATES Made
Same
Day
Delivered
DR. E.G. GRIFFIN’S
GATE CITY DENTAL ROOMS
24; Whitehall Street
(Over Brown A Alien',)
Gold Crowns S4—Bridge Work S4
All Work Guaranteed
ftiim M. 17M
S-"diM 51
The Canadian Parliament is one of
the few Parliaments in the world
where speeches in two languages are
allowed. This, of course, is due to
the large French and English ele
ments in Canada. For instance, when
the i anadlan House of Commons Is
sitting in committee, should a French-
Canadian start to address the House
in French, you may see the English
chairman retire from his seat and
allow a French chairman to take his
place In the same manner the offi
cial English reporters cease work and
a stafr of French shorthand writers
begin.
Owing to the frequency of weak
excuses for leave of absence from
work many employers have framed
a special code of rules to govern days
off The following are the regula
tions of one firm: "1. One day off for
funeral of any relative where death
certificate is produced. 2. All mar
riages and honeymoons to be ar
ranged during annual holidays or not
at all. 3 The burying of more than
three uncles or aunts a year not ac
cepted as an excuse for absence i
For sickness where It is proved days
off allowed."
v
The Kaiser has adopted a novel
style of displaying the royal standard
on his motor oars. A fla~ on which
ate emblazoned the words, "God with
us, will be painted on transparent
glass, which will be electrically il
luminated at night when he is in the
car. so that it will be recognized a
long way off.
Wished He Hadn't.
"You see." he exclaimed, as he showed
her the wishbone of the Christmas tur
key. "you take hold there and I take hold
here Then we must both make a wish
and pull, and when it breaks the one
who has the bigger part of it will have
his. or her wish gratified."
"But 1 don't know what to wish for,"
she protested
"Oh, you can think of something." he
said
"No, I can't." she replied. ‘1 can’t
think of anything I want very much."
"Well. I’ll wish for you!" he exclaimed
"You really wish-for me?" she asked
"Well, then, there's no use fooling with
the old wishbone." she interrupted, with
a glad smile. "You can have me."
A Matter of Observation.
Lexton Sake entered the room
and critically examined the sur
roundings. Then suddenly his eye
lighted on the clew for which he
sought.
“Aha!" he exclaimed "It was from
a hole somewhere in this room that
the mouse emerged!”
His companion opened his eyes wide
in wonderment; then *
"Your power of scent." he remark
ed. "is positively marvelous, Blexton.”
"Power of scent be bothered." re
plied the great detective. "Can’t you
see the heel-marks of a woman's shoe
on this chair—eh?”
She Forgot.
The order which the comely young
German woman handed in at the Post-
office Savings Bank was made payable
to Gretchen H. Schmidt, and she had
signed it simply Gretchen Schmidt. The
man at the counter called her hack to
rectify the mistake just as she was turn
ing away.
"See. you have forgotten the ’H..’"
he explained.
The young woman looked at her re
ceipt and then blushed a rosy red.
"Ach! so I haf." she murmured, and
wrote hurriedly:
“ A « e -*•** •
Copyright. UHI, by the H. K. Fly Com
pany The play "Within the Law" is
copyrighted by Mr. Veiller and this
novelization of it its published by his
permission. The American Play Com
pany is the sole proprietor of the ex
clusive rights of the representation
and performance of "Within the Law"
in all languages
By MARVIN DANA from the
Play by BAYARD VEILLER.
TO-DAY ’S INSTALLMENT;
At last Gilder was restored In £
meaure lo his self-possession. He
spoke with the 8urene«s of a man of
wealth confident that money will
salve any wound.
How much?" he asked, baldly.
Mary smiled an Inscrutable smile.
"Oh, I don’t need money," she said,
carelessly. "Inspector Burke will tell
you how easy It is for me to get it."
Gilder looked at her with a newly
dawning respect; then his shrewdness
suggested a retort.
Mary Laughed.
"Do you want my son to learn what
you are?" he said
Mary laughed. There was some
thing dreadful In that burst of spu
rious amusement.
‘‘Why not?” she answered. "I’m
-eady to tell him myself.”
Then Gilder showed the true heart
of him, in w'hich love for his boy was
before all else. He found himself
wholly at a loss before the woman’s
unexpected reply.
"But I don’t want him to know.” he
stammered "Why, I’ve spared the
hoy all his life. If he really loves you
—it will ”
At that moment the son himself en
tered hurriedly from the hallway. In
his eagerness he saw no one save the
woman whom he loved. At his en
trance Mary rose and moved back
ward a step Involuntarily, In sheer
surprise over his coming, even though
she had known he must come—per
haps from some other emotion, deep
er, hidden as yet even from himself.
The young man. with his wholesome
face alight ith tenderness, went
swiftly to her. while the other three
men stood silent, motionless, abashed
by the event. And Dick took Mary’s
hand In a warm ciasp, pressing it ten
derly
"I didn't see father,” he said, hap
pily, "but I left him a note on his
desk at the office.”
Then, somehow, the surcharged at
mosphere penetrated his conscious
ness, and he looked around to see his
father standing grimly opposite him.
But there was no change in his ex
pression beyond a more radiant smile.
"Hello, dad!” he cried, Joyously.
‘‘Then you got my note?”
The voice of the older man came
with a sinister force and saturnine.
"No, Dick, I haven't had any note.”
"Then, why ?” The young man
broke off suddenly. He was become
aware that here was something ma
lignant, with a meaning beyond his
present understanding, for he saw the
inspector and Demarest, and he knew
the two of them for what they were
officially.
A Pawn in the Game.
"What are they doing here?" he de
manded suspiciously, staring at the
two.
"Oh, never mind them,” Mary said.
There was a malevolent gleam in h#r
violet eyes. This was the recompense
of which she had dreamed through
soul-tearing ages. "Just tell your fa
ther your news, Dick.”
The young man had no comprehen
sion of the fact that he was only a
pawn in the game. He spoke with
simple pride.
"Dad, we’re married. Mary and 1
were married this morning.”
Always, Mary stared with her eyes
steadfast on the father. There was
triumph in her gaze. This was the
vengeance for which she had longed,
for which she had plotted, the ven
geance she had at last achieved. Here
was her fruition, the period of her su
premacy.
Gilder himself seemed dazed by the
brief sentence.
"Say that again," he commanded.
Mary rejoiced to make the knowl
edge sure.
"I married your son this morning,'
she said, in a matter-of-fact tone. "I
married him. Do you quite under
stand. Mr. Gilder? I married him."
In that insistence lay her ultimate
compensation for untold misery. The
father stood there wordless, unable to
find speeceh against this calamity that
had befallen him.
It was Bifrke who offered a diver
sion, a crude interruption after his
own fashion.
“It's a frame-up," he roared. He
glared at the young man. "Tell your
father it ain’t true. Why, do you know
what she is? She’s done time.” He
paused for an instant, then spoke in a
voice that was brutally menacing.
"And, by G , she’ll do it again!’’
The young man turned toward his
bride. There was disbelief, hope, de
spair. in^is face, which had grown
older by years with the passing of the
seconds.
"It’s a lie, Mary,” he said. "Say
it's a lie!” He seized her hand pas
sionately.
There was no quiver in her voice as
she answered. She drew her band
from his clasp and spoke evenly.
"It’s the truth."
"It’s the truth!” the young man re
peated, incredulously.
The Son Interrupted.
"It 1s the truth," Mary said, firmly.
"I have served three years \n prison."
There was a silence of a minute
that was like years. It was the father
who broke it, and now his voice was
become tremulous.
"1 wanted to save you. Dick. That’s
why 1 came.”
The son interrupted him violently.
"There’s a mistake—there must be.
It was Demarest who gave an offi
cial touch to the tragedy of the mo
ment.
"There's no mistake,” he said. There
was authority in his statement,
"There is. I tell you!" Dick cried,
horrified by this conspiracy of defa
mation. He turned his tortured face-
to his bride of a day.
"Mary." he said, huskily, ’*there is
a mistake "
Something in her face appalled him
He was voiceless for a few terrible
instants. Then he spoke again, more
beseechingly.
Say there’s a mistake."
Mary preserved her poise Yes-
she must not forget! This was the
hour of her triumph. What mattered
it that the honey of it was as ashes *n
her mouth? She spoke with a sim
plicity that admitted no denial.
"It’s all quite true.'4
The man who had so loved her so
trusted her. was overwhelmed by the
revelation He stood trembling for a
moment, tottered, almolt it seemed
would have fallen, but presently
steadied himself and sank supinely
into a chair, where he sat in impotent
suffering.
To Be Continued To-morrow.
Wonders of the Wonderful
SUNDAY AMERICAN
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Writes on this striking question, “Shall a Wife Obey?'
The Newly Found Oldest Gospels^ and ffhal They Really Mean.
Should Women’s Wages Be Fixed by Law.
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• • • •
Woman Suffrage in Dixie.
Book Reviews, by Edwin Markham and Roswell Field.
A '
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Happy Hooligan
Howson Lott H vf s f,r s c
Mr. Batch Has a Narrow Escape
Jimmy — He Is At It Again
Just Why a Pitcher Can Curve a Baseball.
Why Every Woman Married for Six Years Ought to Go to
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Coronium—A New Gas, Whose Power is So Great That a
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