Newspaper Page Text
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BEST HUMOR, MOV1NC
PICTURES, VAUDEVILLE.
SUN
PlRICAN
ATLANTA, GA., SUNDAY, JULY 27, 1913.
Little
FOR
THE
Cabinet
By T. E. POWERS> the Famous Cartoonist
Oopjnght, 1V13, by imMu Ccn^uy. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
J I CANNOT LIVE. ON SUCH
Y A S/AALL SALARY. ILL QO
(Out on thc road
THERE FoRE I MUST TALK
iNORDERTo LI I/El - So. FELLOW
CHALK TALKERS I'M HERE ToTELL
SEC OF APICULTURE:
Houston makinc,
5oth END.'' meet
~A little ^—
OUT SIDE H PI
WORK,- !
Sec, of LABor,
WILSON
MAKING A
LITTLE PIN
MONEY
AFTER
Hours
AT TV qEN
M c REYNOLDS
Could TEACH
The Turkey
trot afteig
Hours and
KEEP THE
WOLF^RONl
THE DOOR.
SEC OF THE
INTERIOR
lane .
HE COULD
decorate
INTERIORS
AFTER THE
WHISTLE
BLOW 5-
$ 2 PER
HouP^is
50/Mt
Think;:
66
Who’s the
Copyright. 1913, by the Star Company. Great Britain Right? Reserved.
R *AY—Terry, I called a rehearsal for you and me this afternoon, and
you didn’t show up. Where were you?
TERRY—Looka here, guy; you can call as many rehearsals
as you want, but you can’t call me. I’m too busy in the afternoons to
monkey with you.
RAY—Why, what are you so busy about?
TERRY—Didn’t show up, didn't I? You better look out or I’ll show
you up. Who are you, anyway? Don’t try to tell me
RAY—No, I want you to tell me. I’m interested. How are you busy?
TERRY—Well, I’m in the show business. I played “The Silver King”
this afternoon.
RAY—What part did you take?
TERRY—I took the silver.
RAY—You ought to be satisfied with that.
TERRY—I was; but a little later I played the king, then some mean
guy played the ace, and I lost all my silver.
ray—When 1 couldn’t find you this afternoon I went over to the
theatre to hear my brother sing a ditty.
TERRY—Did he?
RAY—Now don’t get funny or I’ll ruin your features.
TERRY—Why don’t you go ahead and choke me? Then people will
think we’re Dutch comedians.
ray Say, Terry, my wife has been rather troublesome late.y. Now
have you heard any new ways to make a woman stop talking”
TERRY—I suppose you mean have 1 heard any new ga^st
RAY—Oh, I didn’t meaD that; but as long as you mentioned It, go
ahead.
TERRY—Here’s one. How can you make ice water without Ice?
RAY—It can’t be done.
TERRY—Cinch. Skin an onion. That’ll make your eyes water,
RAY—Do you believe in dreams?
TERRY—Yes, if they’re sixteen or over. Next joke.
RAY—What’s the difference between a Hebrew and a banana?
TERRY—You can skin a banana. That’s slippin’ one over.
RAY—I don’t like those three-for-a-nickel 'okes.
TERRY—All right. Here’B a twenty-five-center: if the fare to Coney
Island on the boat was a dollar, how would you get there for a quarter?
RAY—Easy. Qo on the car.
TERRY—No. I mean on the boat.
RAY—How?
TERRY—Go up on the quarter-deck.
RAY—Is that the best you can do?
TERRY—Say. it’s not my fault if we’re not getting laughs enough.
I’m tired of being called rotten on accou it of your bum jokes. As for
myself, I’m good, I am. Where would you be without me, hey?
RAY—I don’t know, Terry.
TERRY—Well. And I’m. tired of being shut up all the time, too.
After this I’ll stay at the hotel hnd you’ll sleep In the trunk. Now I’ll
give you one more chance. This is an old gag, but it gtla across if you
pull it right. Ae the rooster said, it’s all in the way you pullet.
RAY—I’m sorry. Terry. 1 apoiogiie. Ask ua the joke, and I’ll do
in) best to please juu,
How Ray Conlin, the Ventrilo
quist, and His Wise Little
Dummy Made ’Em Laugh
in Vaudeville.
TERRY—Well’ I’ll try you, you big bonebean. Now here’s the joke:
Why is an old maid like a tomato?
RAY—I don’t know, Terry. Why is an old maid like a tomah-to?
TERRY—Tomah-to? Oh, you proud person. Gee, you’re getting
stuck up since you’ve been making three dollars a week. How do you
suppose I can crack the Joke when you say tomah-to?
RAY—That’s the correct way to say it in keen society, Terry.
TERRY—Oh, it is? And you think you can gum my joke because
you think you’re in keen society, do you? Well, I’ll fool you. I’ll answer j
it your way. Because an old maid can’t get anybody but a tomah-to can. *
R..Y—Is that the reason? I thought 1* was because inasmuch as it |
was impossible for her to lock her door with a wedlock, therefore It was ,
entirely unreasonable to expect her to be able to partake of connubial I
bliss, to wit, the nuptials.
TERRY—And they shot men like Rosenthal!
RAY—Do you think we better give them the telephone joke?
TERRY—We’ll have to get their number somehow.
RAY—I’m afraid we can't. The phone’s broke.
TERRY—Well, it’s got nothing on us.
RAY—Thefe’s just one thing more. All good ventriloquists close the
show by taking their dummies and going through tae audience. Come on, I
we’ll do that.
TERRY—Go through the audience? Not me. I’m no pickpocket.*
What is this, anyway, a hoid-up? Just because you hold me up all the
time I suppose you think the audience will stand for it. too.
RAY— All right, if you insist on our remaining poor we ll go back to
(he Lunch ami Judy suv-v,
For a grand finish in the
American-Georgian Pony
Contest vote the - - - -
RED LETTER BALLOT
There are only a few days
left for work, but the win
ners can play for years
News from the
Summer Resorts
By Our Own Staff of Correspondents
Copyright, 1913, by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved.
WETHURST-BY-TH E-SEA.
H ORTENSE MACGOWAN, who has been at the Idylwilde House for
seven seasons trying to catch a rich husband, announces her en
gagement to Col. MacBoodle, who is ninety-one years old. She has
promised Mrs Simpkins, of the Idylwilde House, to come back next Sum
mer, but she won’t promise as much for the Colonel.
WEST AURORA.
Major Stompklns has opened his camp on Aurora Lake, but won’t take
any fishermen this season because he can’t. He forgot he stored some
dynamite In the stove last Fall, and built up a fire in it. Fortunately he
was out to the woodshed when the dynamite opened up the camp, and so
he got out of It with only two broken legs.
• ’I
MYSTIC ISLAND.
Professor Ervlngton Skinner has come up from the South and opened
up his Hythought Colony. He Is pretty late, but we understand he was
detained at Atlanta on Government affairs concerning the United States
malls.
Quite a lot of excitement happened over to the Hythought camp yes
terday. A sudden squall blowed one of the tents into the water and Dr.
Swam-eye Punjab Ofer Cush, as he callB himself, got tangled up in the
guy ropes and was nearly drowned before your correspondent, who was
out in a boaL rescued him. The Doc's long black hair come off in the
water and- his own hair underneath it was short and kinky. We recog
nised him st once as the man who was a porter up to the Crestville House
last Summer.
Dr. Swam-eye Punjab Ofer Cush, we are informed by Prof. Skinner,
has been suddenly called back to India.
FORDING.
Miss Etta Schwartz and her sister, Miss Lena Schwartz, two pretty
Spanish girls from Omaha, are stopping at the Smith Cottage.
Doc Feeble has been very busy of late attending the younger gnesta
at the Center House. Doc says one more green apple season will enable
him to buy that automobile runabout he wants.
FLAT HILL.
The Wlnnlegeethumpett House Is so full of guests the proprietors.
Bill and Joe Snodgrass, had to sleep on the dining-room tables all last
week.
Souvenir postcards at Baker’s Hardware Store, three cents each or
three for ten cents.—Advt.
Miss Hyacinth Snooks, who had the misfortune to lose her right eye
when she fell off a hayrack day before yesterday, is able to be out now.
Little Ben Honus found It and took it home with him, thinking It was a
glass marble. His mother knew it belonged to Miss Snooks the moment
she saw Ben playing with it. and made him take it back.
SOUTH UTOPIA.
Old Man Jepson, proprietor of the Jepson House, who would have
married Melinda Babbitt a fortnight ago if she hadn't eloped with a mar
ried boarder, was married last night to Jane Doolittle, who took Melin
da’s place as waitress at the hotel. As soon as the boarder Beaeon is
over they’re going up to Jane’s mother’s on their honeymoon
To Let—By the day or hour, a horse and team suitable for ladies with
rubber tires. Utopia Livery Stable.—Advt.
Morris Levinsky, a Scotchman from Bronx, N. Y., has been hired to
lay out a golf link near the Utopia Hotel. The Sootch know all about
golf, which Is played with highballs.
CHEBUNQ.
Mrs. Elvira StebMns has three boarders at her home on the South
Road.
Charles R. Stebblns, of the Intervale farm, has enlarged his house
and 1b taking in Summer boarders.
Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Stehbins, of this village, are expecting the Rob
insons back again for the Summer.
The Rev. Augustus Stebblns has gone to New York for his annual
vacation.
Miss MyTtle Stebblns was married last Tuesday to Clarence Parker
Stebbins, a third cousin, who lives on the North Road.
Doctor Stebbins was called to go to the Lower Mills last week to set
the leg of little Eben Stebblns, who broke it by falling out of a tree. He
was visiting his uncle, Horace Stebblns, at the time.
We are informed that John J. Stebblna, of this town, has prepared a
bill to be introduced in the Legislature to change the aame of Chebung
to Stebblnsvllle. Mr. Stebbins is a lawyer and a blacksmith, besides
being proprietor of the Stebbins House and maaufacturer of Stebblns’
Horse Liniment
J
i c i
WOODY DALE.
A man came up from the city laet week and brought three shade
trees which he set out in front of the Woody Dale Inn. Counting the
dead elm In front of the postoffice which was struck by lightning seven
years ago, we now have eleven trees in this village
Remember you can get gasoline, caramels, films, whetstonea, fish
hooks, paper collar*, spectacles, maple syrup and postage stamps at the
Bon-Tou Millinery Store, 16 Main street. Woody Dale.—Advt.
E. EL Adams and wife are registered at the Woody Dale Ina. They
also brought along their two months old son.
LAKE PUNKESTBYGOSM.
A teivible accident happened at Hotel de Neemie. Your correspond
ent recorded the event of securing a mechanical piano for this hotel some
weeks ago. But some thoughtless guest left her chewing gum attached
to the roller some way and now the gum is all through the vitals of the
piano and the thing plays ragtime when it oughtn’t.
More strictly fresh canned goods at Wiggin’s general store.—Advt.
We have learned what the Mr. Wilson's ► '.ness is. He is th# man
who is stopping at the Lakeside Inn who tt-u your correspondent in a
joking manner some time ago his business was minding his own. He's
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