Newspaper Page Text
r SIP., Yoo CAN'T (MARINE HOW .SORRY I *An\ .
I \y was purjeiy an accidg<vr but
ttUCLYS RVG <ic.frATLY. I RNOUu THAT I CANT
REPLACE THE APEECTion Voo HAD POR.
Dour lost pet /—yy^—
bur- /
OH, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT T VMS JUST
Taking hin\ Down
the road to shoot
Him IWYSG.LF
They
Lei
Jeff
Gel
(ius Williams
Buys a
bb
Liddle House in der Country'’ Wonders of the Universe
Pff QS B3
By
Anthony H. Euwer
>*P)Tljrht, 1918. by tiv* Ht-ax < -runjqtnj.
H At*R you ever had dot "nice liddle house in der coun
try" bus? Dot iss a roal disease! I got It once—
ONLY!
In a black nnd evil moment a loafer tempted me to buy
one of dose "nice little houses In der country," bunkledoodles
He hired a machine, first took me to dinner, then tramped
me over twenty miles of golf links
—"within stone's throw of der nice
little house"—und den when 1 was
full of stiffness und other ingred
ients, he brought mo around and
sicked meonto der house.
Der owner was dere, sure! He
got der wigwag from der golf links!
He cried a liddle und said dot der
only reason he was parting uilt der
bouse was because his wife had died
dere She had only been ill two
days. Der pity of der man was so
lntenze dot I was a good feller und
bought der bunkerloo right then
und there, being a married man
myself.
Such a nice place! All outside
plumbing—dot lss, a!1 outside der
house. He chucked In a rubber plant
for good measure. Now, If dere is
anything what has got der vege
table kingdom cheated. It lss a rubber plant! It can do noth
Ing und continues to do It!
Dere iss one good thing about living In der country, und
that lss how quickly your neighbors get to know you und all
your little eccentricities.
I hadn't been there twenty-four hours before dey
"A long-whiskered
committee trooped
up der front steps.”
Orta* lirltaln Kitrhta Kaoarvrd.
bad borrowed every cooking utensil that I had.
Der second day 1 been there, a long-whiskered committee
came by der house und trooped up der front steps, bringing
up enough mud onto der front room carpet to start a new
garden. Dey said dot dey were from der Rescue Hose Com
pany nnd would I please accept der red hat and shirt—dot 1
had been elected an honrary mem
ber of der company. Like a Jeck-
ass I swelled up and said :
“Chentlemens, did Is an honor
dot I had not looked forward to.
Dere comes a time In every man’B
life tvhen his heart swells mlt pride
and Joy over a distinction paid him
by hlg fellow man. Chentlemens,
you do me proud. It lss mlt
trembling hands dot I accept dis
gorgeous red helsmet und der red
shirt off courage.”
"Bully for der new comrade!"
yelled der fellow mlt der longest
whiskers.
Den dey turned around und
sold me ten dollars' worth of
tickets for a benefit dey were
going to have In der Town Hall.
It seems that der engine house
had got burned down! Hence
ui i ueuetu. uti Handbills dot dey left me to hand out to
my nearest neighbors said:
"Little Myrtle O'Brien will recite, 'Curfew Shall Not Ring
To-night.’ ’’
I did not attend der benefit. 1 can stand for anything but
"Curfew."
What Do You Know About That?
Copyright. 1918, by tb« s*ar Company
Great Britain Right* K suer red
E might as well begin
saving. dear,” ex
claimed Charles R.
D&shlaigh to his bride and so"
Here be paused, kissed her tend
erly and slipped a dollar bill In her
hand.
"Why—why—I need fifty for the
grocer and" young Mrs. Dash-
lelgh began, when her husband
laughed at her.
"Give you a check for that. The
case note was for the kiss."
"But I don’t understand"
“Why look here, dear, 1 thought
I’d give you a dollar every time 1
kissed you and you could put .It in
the bank, it will be lots of fun for
you to ave that way "
“Why, my dear hoy. »: ,1 a per-
faotij splendid idea!” exciauaed
the young wife, enraptured at the
idea.
And so everything went merrily
on for a long while Mrs Dash-
lelgh's mother smiled when her
daughter told her about It.
"How many times a day does he
kiss you?" she asked. Mrs. Dash
lelgh's mother was practical.
"Oh three or four, sometimes five
or six, he's making a lot money you
know.”
"Very good, my dear, now I tell
you what you do, you save it all up
and by and by you can get yourself
a nice little car for shopping, and
when he continues to pay you will
run the car."
Mrs. Dashlolgh thought this was
a splendid plan Day by day she
saved up the dollars her husband
so laughingly gave bar every
time he biased her.
"Six hundred," she reported lo her
mother.
"Be real affectionate to him, dear,"
urged her mother, "you will get
your car ever so much sooner.”
The next time she called she re-
porteu eleven hundred dollars.
"And oh. mother," she exclaimed,
"1 can get a perfectly stunning llt-
Ite car for shopping for only
Jl.SQO!"
No wonder Mrs. Dashleigh was
was happy, and her mother was
also happy.
But one day she saw her daugh
ter coming to see her. She was
hurrying along with her head
down.
"The dear girl has got enough
for the auto,'' thought her mother,
“and Is trytug to hide her pleas
ure so I won't guess."
Tktrn young Mrs, Dasiueigh
hurst into the room.
“Oh. mother!” she cried
"Got It, dear?" asked her
mother.
"Don’t ever mention auto to me
again, nor Charlie, nor—nor any
thing Oh, I'm so unhappy,” and
Mrs. Dashleigh proceeded to weep
copiously down her mother’s'
sturdy shoulder.
"What's the trouble, dear, has be
stopped giving you the dollar every
time he kisses you?"
“No, not that, but"
"Well, well, child, what la It?”
"Oh, mother, I've—I've just dis
covered that his stenographer"
"Oh, never mind, all business
men have to have stenographers,"
soothed her mother.
“Bu—but ihis one—she's just
bought a three thousand dollar au
tomobli§l'*_ i
Copyright.
TRAVEL.
O FT when I stand upon the brink
Of great men’s graves I stop and think,
I stop and think and walk around
And cast my eyes upon the ground.
And in my mind's eye try to view
The things those great men once did do.
And so they lived and there they lie.
And years have rolled and here am I.
I’ll bet they'd give a lot to be
A standin’ here as live as me.
Just what kind of exhilaration Is exhaled from the
decorative masonry of a great man's tomb is hard
to say, but the fact remains that tomb-stoning expe
ditions are held among the chiefest joys of travel.
Just how the observer should feel to get the most
out of a grave without molesting it is a much moot
ed question. To feel very, very sorry for the de
ceased, you mu6t of course be somewhat familiar
with his past. If not his future. For this reason
Illiterate travellers can sometimes view the most
gorger-s memorials without a tremor. Some arch
aeologists maintain a slnceness of fifty years should
| evaporate the sadness from any grave, while others
j have but to see the tomb of King Alfred when they
| break Into violent tears.
Other travellers go forth like ducks, for divers
reasons, and they usually maae a run on the bank
first. Again they are like bees bearing golden
pollen to places that couldn't get along without it
Somc'—es they scatter their pollen so lavishly that
It is hard for the lesser buzzers to make their dust
felt. Nobody loves a poor*traveller any more than
a fat man. These nobodies are the hotel proprietors,
porter* waiters, taxi-drivers and guides who are
the sweet-blooming cacti on every travel-Bcape.
They can be detected by tbeir luxuriance, their plen-
tltude of backbone, and spines which are very sharp
and prtok till the blood comes.
Other reasons for travelling are to harden the
digestion, to render the body Impervious to all sorts
of prowling animal life, and Incidentally to make
Fox's Book of Martyrs look like a Christmas
carol.
Some go forth to see how much places look like
the pictur-- they have seen. When the pictures
b”-c all been checked up they can go home with a
free conscience. Many travel to keep the travelled
from putting It over them and to put it over the un
travelled. Thus, one Is insured against being a
billy goat under any circumstances, and can be
cock-of-the-walk under all others.
See America first and you can hold your own
against the Titan boaster of the Antipodes. Thus
armed, you can make potentates to tremble and
guides to bite the dust. Of course, it will cost more
to go round home first—more than going abroad, bu!
it's u splendid investment. America First Travel
ler are our greatest national asset across the seas.
1918, by the Htax ' oa*i*ny. Urea* Britain Right* i
Through their gratuitous offices, no
globeman can forget that we are the
greatest nation In all space and time.
Show your America Flrster a sput
tering Vesuvius and he’ll have at
you -with a patent Niagara extin
guisher that could put it out of bus
iness In one application. Dlscant on
the Catacombs and he will tear a
strip off the Mammoth Cave and tum
ble them all Into the bottomless pit.
Lead him over the Sahara and he’ll
blow you a blistering blast from the
white alkali heat of his own Arid
Zona Alps. Get on the top of them
and gaze up at the foothills of the
Rockies. Glaciers? Could be made
from the annual waste of his Consol
idated Ice Companies. Coliseums,
sphinxes, pyramids Dump them Into
the Grand Canyon, a cloud of dust
from the bottom that Is Boon dis
solved In the breeze. Westminster
Abbies? Better a quick and palpitat
ing Woodrow Wilson than three car
loads of crumbling monarchs.
But If you will travel In the face
of everything, the appended observa
tions may assist you.
Don’t be in a hurry to go away—
give yourself two or three years to
catch the boat. Anticipation whetted
by preparation Is the best foundation
for the foreign conglomeration.
Soak up on Baedeekers and Ber
litz ,but don’t let them go to your
head, and don’t learn too many lan
guages. Six or seven will be suffi
cient.
Do not speak them too fluently.
Many Americans err this way, be
sides, you’ll be mistaken for a native
and lose all the fun of being taken
fora visitor.
Be careful of your luggage. Don’t
lug what you’re in doubt about—
cheaper to get It over there, unless
It’s shoes or false teeth.
Don’t travel alone. Always have
some one to say “By gosh" to when
you’re deeply Impressed.
Don't be afraid of insulting any
one with a tip. It can't be done.
Take the strongest cuss words you
have the limp ones will wear out In
no time.
Take a kind heart, for personal use
only.
Take an oath you won’t forget to
talk about the U. S. A whenever y u
have a chance, but take plenty of
time to get an English accent to bring back with you.
Take a stop-watch for your conscience when you
cross the customs, and a cool nerve and resourceful
brain in case you’re held up.
DEFINITIONS.
Points of Interest—Projections or Indentations on
the surrounding landscape, erected by departed citi
zens and Infested with guides, mendicants and other
rodents.
Vehicle—A rambling thing connecting the various
points of Interest and propelled by coins of local
species.
Guide—A mechanical being with extended palms
and composed of nerve, Imagination and statistics,
of a gregarious and predatory nature, frequenting
points of Interest and preying on tourists In large
numbers.
Tourist—A migratory mass of nervous energy c
posed of fees, tips, kodaks and Interrogations. Ma
a monotonous sound like a question mark, but w.
brought to bay gives forth a syncopated noise 1
an aggravated explosion.
Fee—An exorbitant remuneration for services i
or Imaginary.
Tip—A piece of spondoolix slipped Into an Itch
palm in remuneration lor service* airaady paid 1<
Diary of a
Militant Suffragette
CopjrtRtar, 1913, by fh« Star Company
Greet Britain Right* Ue*cned
[ONDAY—Felt very restless,
to-day, as thougn I wanted
to be very active There
was a lot of washing to do, but why
should I wash when I ran get a
rvcor woman to do It for 75 cents?
She can do it In a day If she works
hard. Took my hatchet and
smashed down a handstand and
poured a quart of acid In a mail
box downtown.
The Wonder
M
CopjrtgM. 1018. by th« iur < ompacy.
1 >rent ftrUAlc Right* IlMrtrtwl
TUESDAY—My hand aches
where I pounded It while demolish
ing the bandstand yesterday
How unjust man It! If we had our
rights I wouldn't have had to do
man's work chopping down hand
stands. Not equal to much to-day,
so Just put a bomb under a crip
ple's house and hurried away.
WEDNESDAY—I never seem to
have any luck. That bomb I |
plan ted yesterday didn't explode. I
I threw a stone at a member of
Parliament to-day and hit a little
newsboy. Oh, well, the boy would
have grown Into a brute of a man
anyway.
THURSDAY—I tried to see the
king to-day, but they wouldn’t let
me. This Is a cruel world for us
women. By trying to see the king
I missed some fine bargains
FRIDAY—Great luck to-day. I
broke four shop windows, nnd
when the policeman tried to arrest
I bit him on the wrist. There
la sotne fear he will have hydro-
jiiobia.
8ATTTR.DAY—My Uncle Samnei
left me four hundred pounds. I
went down to the lawyer's to-day
to see about why I didn't gut It
Being a woman, I thought they
were holding It up to get what In
terest they could. It saema Uncle
Samual thought he would save his
heirs a lot of bother by sending
them cash, so my lawyer mailed
tbe money to me In notea Ha
mailed It early last Monday morn
ing, he said. In the letter box In
front of his office, and I don’t see
why I haven't got U yet. If ths
postal department wse run by
women we -oh, mercy! Oh, good
ness' Oh, dear me! Oh. hoevensi
That money was put in tbe lettei
box 1 emptied tb* quart of acid Ini
Away with It!
By “ Bud”
Fisher
Mutt and Jeff Appear Every Day in The Atlanta Georgian.
Sir, I'm IteePiY pained ap,out this )
thing, And mhlu to Yhe BEST r can J
tt> replace yhe doe, here's no NtEoj
(oOlNio To COURT. HEEE'S^O H)K. I
the DOb'. J