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TTEARST’S SUNDAY AMERICAN. ATLANTA, CA„ SUNDAY. AUGUST 31, 1013.
7 E
SMILES
Her Ag».
The maiden lady of uncertain age
became very Indignant when the
census taker asked her age.
“Did you see the girls next door?"
ahe asked; “the Hill twins?”
Certainly," replied the census
man.
“And did they tell you their age?”
“Yes."
“Well,” she snapped as she shut
the door in his face, “I'm just as
old as they are!”
“Oh, very well,” said the census
man to himself, and he wrote down
in his book:
Jane Johnson—as old as the Hills.
A Riot.
Willie—My father put down a dis
turbance last night.
Billie—Is that right?
Willie—Yes; he ate a Welsh rab
bit.
Loquacious Diet.
Missionary (to Cannibal)—What
makes your chief so talkative to
day?
Cannibal—Oh, he ate a couple of
barbers this morning.
As Every Fan Does.
Us he swayed by his prejudices?”
“I should say so. Anyhow, he’s
the sort of a man who cheers when
the ball hits the umpire on the shin."
A Substitute.
“You didn’t buy that big touring
car you were looking at last fall, did
you, Hawkins?” said Garraway.
"No,” said Hawkins. “I got a
couple of little runabouts instead.”
“Runabouts?” retorted Garraway.
“Yep,” said Hawkins. “My wife
presented me with twins. Can’t af
ford too many luxuries all at once.”
“Come, now, what has your mem
ber done since you returned him to
Congress?”
“Why, he has become a director
of five public companies, bought a
fine house and two motor cars.
That ain't bad, is it, for a short
time?”
Jeff Didn’t Care to Run the Risk = = By “Bud” Fisher
Mutt and Jeff Appear Every day in The Atlanta Georgian.
Copyright, 1918 by th« Star Company. Oraat Britain Rlrhta R*«erv*4.
jeFT, INC Got a feRKfe-r
wHsite by we c*an
w\AKe *20,qoo, Just Lute
^HOOTING F«?>H
J
ru Bury You (n th«S
GRfVVE <VqD <oO collect
THE *20,000 AMD
Yes, VJELA- GO Down
AMD insure You*. UF6
For *20,ooo and *><eN
^_You Die AMD
OF COURSE YOU DON’T
REALLY DIE, YOU J(f*\PLY
Play dead and
THEN
And then after we'vie
Jot The nvoney T'll COfAE
Back and t>i&- you out.
<oR-E(Vt YDEA AIN'T IT?
You
fcOSfc YOU ft.
spads
N
JOKES
Elephant’s Milk.
A school-teacher who was giving;
a lesson on “food” was Interrupted
by one of his pupils.
"Please, sir,” he said, “Jimmy says
he knew a baby that was brought up
on elephant's milk, and it gained
ten pounds In weight every day."
“James ought not to tell you such
rubbish," said the teacher. "Whoer
baby was it that was brought up 04.
elephant's milk?”
“Please, sir,” answered Jimmy, "It
was the elephant's'"
On the Stairway.
He—If I kiss yon, will you call for
help?
She—Why—can’t you manage It
alone,
A yonng man on horseback was
riding by an orchard when he saw
a girl picking up apples under a tree
near the road.
“Can’t you spare me one?” he
called.
“Ketch," was the reply as a fine
red apple came flying toward his
head.
“Thank you," he said, “it's a
beauty; and do you raise apples
like this on ALL your treesV'
“No, sir,” she replied, "just on the
apple trees!”
“My good friends,” began the tem
perance orator, “drink is the yoke
of the world. All the crime, all the
wars, all the heartaches of this uni
verse can be laid at the door of in
toxication. Oh, my friends, what
causes more misery than liquor?"
“Thur-r-r-st! ” yelled a little man
at the end of the hall.
Mr. Greene was threatened with
a contagious disease, and when his
little son, Ned, who was of very af
fectionate disposition, came to em
brace him before retiring, he said;
"Neddie, my boy, you mustn’t hug
me. You’ll catch the scarlet fever.”
Ned looked at his father in amaze
ment for a moment. Then he asked:
"Say, father, who did you hug?”
Worst Jokes of Week
Copyright, 1913 by the Star Company. Great Britain Rights Reserved, j
If these Jokes wep me-ely bnd we wouldn’t Inflict them upon you.
Bad joken are too common. Tkese, however, have the dlNtlnctlon of heluK
the WOItST ever, and tha’. let’s them In and us out,
“W
(r~
As Mr. Thaw
Might
Remark—
^.
THE MORNING SMILE
<r
Wex Jones, Editor
Who’s
Looney
Now ?
Vol. II.
Atlanta, Sunday, August 31, 1913.
No. 38.
fY wife won’t let me smoke around the house.”
“Why don’t you smoke inside, then?”
“That’s what I mean—she won't stand for it.”
‘‘H’m’! Give her a steer the doctor ordered you to smoke.
“No use. You don’t know m’wife; you can’t smoke her out and you
can't steerEliza.”
w
HY can’t a Hebrew reside in Halifax?
Because it’s in Nova Scotia (No vays kosher).
A FOUR-YEAR-OLD Boston boy had been partaking of the forbidden
jam while his mother was "mixing up” a cake. Without pausing in
her labors she administered a severe reprimand.
"That," observed the dutiful child, "is what is known as a ’stirring
speech.’ ” •
rOW'S the tailor business. Smith7”
((■[TOW'S the
-“■ “Oh, it's Increasing.”
w
HY is it like a legal paper if a colored man marries a white woman?
Because it is black and white.
U‘yyAS the bride self-possessed?”
“No, her father gave her away.”
“W
maker’s tools, and maybe he’B In there gettin’ smothered in th’
smoke.”
“Aha. Well, every cobbler hae got to breathe his last some day, I
suppose. Extra fine weather overhead, isn't it?”
((T KISSED Miss Grace last night, old chappy."
1 "I tried to, but I lost out.”
"Haw! haw! I kissed a miss and you missed a kiss! What?”
R EAL ESTATE MAN—What’s all that row about in the outer office?
Clerk—Rich Chinese laundryman named Lo Bung says he wants to
pay cash for a Summer residence
“All right; trot him in and we ll sell Lo Bung a bungalow.”
Escape of
Lunatic
Daring Dash of S. Freeze from
Albany to Matteawan.
A lbany, n. y„ Aug. 23.—
S. Freeze, a well-known
politician who was com
mitted to Albany to serve a sen
tence in the Assembly, made a
daring escape to-day and is now
believed to be safe in Mat
teawan. District Attorney Hit
man says that a lunatic who es
capes from Albany is perfectly
secure In Matteawan. as he can
not be extradited merely because
he is insane.
Mr. Freeze is thu3 officially in
sane—like so many others in Al
bany—when in the capital, but
legally sane in Matteawan.
What the inmates of .vlattea-
wan will think of the affair is
quite another story.
Oddities
in the News.
•
o EE arrested in Yonkers un-
LJ der the Sullivan law.
Charge; Carr, ing concealed wea
pons.
Harry Thaw.
Woodmere kitten seeing man
blow froth off glass of beer
wouldn't drink its saucer of milk
because the milk appeared flat.
Turnip In Arkansas got
thirty days for saying "Hello,
Kid” to a young goat.
Albany, N. Y.
The Turnip Got Thirty Days for Being Fresh. How Many
Would It Have Got if It Had Been Stewed?
Did You Know That-—
J
IN THE SMILE'S
LETTER BOX.
HOPE FISHES ETERNAL.
TO THE EDITOR—The Hope
Fishing Club is fuller of hope
than ever.
SANDY SANDERSON,
Keeper of the Balt
NO; SOMETIMES IT’S LEFT.
TO THE EDITOR—A Chicago
scientist says the Blit skirt is
healthy because it promotes ven
tilation. Other physicians tell
us a draught is unhealthy. Which
has the dope? Is the slit skirt
right? M. SHEHAN.
RIGHT.
TO THE EDITOR—Speaking
of the New Haven Railroad—
but no, you wouldn’t print it.
JAMES M’G. SMITH.
8UMMER’8 ENDING.
TO THE EDITOR—When is
the Summer officially over?
T. J. STORMER.
When a bath
Ing girl has no
one to look at
her.—Ed.
Eggs are merely the by-product
of a hen?
The principle product is tho
cackle?
It is not necessary to look blue
to catch bluefish?
Nor is it necessary to be weak
to catch weakfish?
You can catch kingflsh with
out being a king?
The New York subway is so
called because it is a substitute
for a way?
What is most needed in a non-
emptyable bottle?
Fixed stars are so called be
cause they get in a fix?
A man is not old until he al
ways’ gets to the station 10 min
utes ahead of time to catch his
train?
A woman Is not old until—
oh, well, a woman is never old?
An alarm clock never knows
what it’s ringing for, but the
man who wants to sleep knows
well enough?
OUR WEEKLY DEFINITION
GOVERNOR—One who governs.
In New York the Gov-
ernor l»—the Governor
It—blest If we know who
the Governor la
Summer Motes.
Summer being about over, we
will save these notes until next
year. Watch for them.
OUR WEEKLY HEALTH HINT
Never get run over by an auto
mobile if you have a bottle In
your pockeL
The Sandwich Man
Copyright 1918 by the Star Company. Great Britain Right* •’••arvefl.
I y LL tell y’u, boss, how I site it up,
An' I know what I’m sayln*, too;
Fer, bein' a sandwich man by trad^
I see more'n most men do.
I claim that of all the walks In Mfs
The sandwich man's Is one
That's got 'em beat fer length an' tlma
Fer to see what’s goln' on.
'Cause why? Well, In thla perfeaslon, boss,
A man ain’t a man no more;
But sort of a animated sign.
With letterin' hind an’ fore.
As 1 walks through the streets with me head stlckln' up
Through the boards, an' me feet stlckln' down,
I gets time to observe, In me own quiet way,
Wot’s doin' In this here town.
Ain’t It odd how diff’runt difPrunt men
Goes about it to make a livin'?
How most of the good jobs seems to fall
To a few, while the rest Is given
The work that the pthers look down at?
It’s odd, boss, terrible odd.
Looks to me like a graft, like the higher-ups
Was combined in a ring with God.
I size It up this way, you bein' you.
An’ me (Juat by way of ’lustration)
Bein’ me, so to speak, It goes fer to show
What a dlff’runce the God of Creation
Makes In men when he makes ’em—he gives you a brail*
That o’n make you a gentleman’s livin’,
While In me He Installed Just enough to observe,
An' to envy the size you was given.
It may be I'm wrong, that our brains was one size
When our jobs was to hold down the cradle;
An’ you, by drawln’ a luckier berth,
Was raised In a way to enable
Yours to expand, so’s to meet the demands
You feel when you’d growed to your station
Of full-sized man. But who held the straw*
When I drawed my berth of creation?
But I’m not kickin', believe me, bossl
Fer I ain't that kind of a slob.
Just tryin' to figger it out fer meself
Whether me er Fate found this Job.
Was it me that made Fate, er Fate that made n*
Am I plannln’, er part of a plan?
I size It up this way, both Is to blame
Fer me bein’ a sandwich man.
FUNNY TALES FROM EVERYWHERE
Rather Severe.
Several Boston lawyers gathered
In a prominent judge's office after
adjournment of court one day, and
were discussing the retirement of a
' member of the bar.
V Among them was one who had
recently fallen heir to considerable
wealth and had consequently de
cided to retire from practice. He
was never considered a successful
lawyer, although he had always
maintained a good office and kept
up appearances.
"I have been practicing Several
years,” s?id he, when he Anally suc
ceeded in getting the attention of
the room, “and am well fixed. I have
thought 1 should like to retire and
devote by remaining years to studies
1 have neglected."
"Study law," put in the Judge.
No Chance.
Friend—I asked your husband last
evening if he had his life to live
over again would he marry you, and
ho said he certainly would.
Wife—He certainly wouldn't
He Had Experience.
A nice, clean German lad applied
at a itore for a Job at selling cloth
ing. The boss liked the applicant's
looks, but doubted his experience.
“Have you ever sold clothing?”
asked the employer.
“Ach, yes!” answered the appli
cant.
"Good! Where did you sell cloth
ing?”
"Zwanzlghundert Blankstrasse."
"Where? I have never heard of
such an address.”
"I solt my clothes there."
"Why—that’s a pawn shop!”
"Veil, vere you dink I sell my over
coat—at a drug store?”
Not His Fault.
Wife—How long must we wait
with our Mary? She is already
eighteen years old.
Husband—Till the right person
comes .
Wife—I didn’t *Wt so long.
The Hint.
Aged Uncle—I've insured my life
for five thousand dollars in your
favor. What else can I do for you?
Nephew—Nothing on earth, uncle.
Two of a Kind.
The story is told of a plumber who
presented a bill of ten pounds to a
retired millionaire for repairing a
pipe. The millionaire glanced at it,
and handed out a sovereign, saying:
“Receipt that bill.”
“But, sir ”
“Don’t ’but' me,” Interrupted the
rich man. “I know what I’m about;
I used to be a plumber myself."
The plumber smiled, receipted the
bill, and returned ten shillings
change.
A grocer enjoys the unenv’^le no
toriety of selling the worst goods in
the district, but he has not recov
ered from the shock he got the other
day when a little girl came into the
shop and said:
"My ma sent me for two pounds
of your best tea to kill rats with,
and a pound of finest ham, and
mind and cut it in good thick slices,
for it is to sole and heel my *gd's
boots*’ , L