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TTEARST’R SUNDAY AMEUTGAN, ATLANTA, OA., SUNDAY. AUGUST 31, 1013.
“Dan Cupida, De Boss of Love 5 *
By Leo Carrillo,
Favorite Vaudeville Comedian
Copyright, iin*. tb« ^l*r Company. Utmi Hrltaln Rights BenerrrtL.
D EES time I gonna tole you ’bout dls
gran' teeng whatta everybod’ ketch In
his system, later or so soon. What I
gonna spring on you Is LOVE—da divine
pagu!
Everybod' getta da love some time, an' he
break out lak da measles, only some time
some peepla have tougha skin.
Da boss of love Is a leetla angel, called
Dan Cupida. Bo smarta littla geek you no
know. He's gotta da Broadway wlsa guy
beeta forta tousan ways, and belleva me, he's
gotta trouble of hts own.
Lova is a game much older dan da seven-up
or pinochla. Dan Cupida lnventa da game,
an’ causa all da troubla what we got In dees
world to-day.
One time, so long ago you forget, a skirta
name Venus—she want da excite, so she get
up da big six-day race on da foot. Everybod'
run In dat race. All droppa out but two
tougha guys—Achilles an' William Telia.
Dey getta ready for da beega dash. Da one
who wina da last sprint wlna da prize—a gold
appla, heavy lak anyteengs.
Venus, she putty wise, an’ she looka out
for da doubla cross—no can trust nobod’. So
she sen’ for a beeg duda call Paris. Paris,
he’s a purty guy. Best looka fellow what
you never see but terribla four-flusha. Venus
she mak Paris da stakehold and Judga of da
race.
Paris, he's all puffa up, cause dees lob
brings him rights to da front where all da
girls can see him. He call up da two fast
runners an' mak da beeg speech, and tella
dem not to make troubla—no cheats.
"Dees race to be on da levla an may
da bests man win da golds ap,” he say.
"Shoot It all—say whenu,” dey shonta to
Paris.
Now all dees time, Dan Cupida ees walkin’
round an' he's looka vet" wise. He keepa da
eye on Paris an da golda ap He smoka da
beeg cigar and he's gotta da twlnkla In da
eye. Blmeby he stroll right up in front of
Paris on da starta line.
"Ona da mark!” call Paris. Achlll and
William Telia set for da big spring, but Paris
never say da word, ''Go!” Just as he’s gone
say it, Dan Cupida shout,
"Don't hit dat guy with dat cluba—fulls
da big nalla!”
Poor Paris falla for da bunk. He’s turn
’round so queeck da golda ap fall out his
hand an' whata you teenk? Dan Cupida
reach down an' grahba da gold ap n’ run
lak anyteengs He’s mak a bullet look lak
da fas' mall on da Erie. ,
How so fas' Dan run I dunno. ITe keep
looka over da ghoul'. All da time he see
big band of pawnbrokes what leada da chase.
Dan Is littla fellow an’ soon he’s getta purty
wlnda. He’s tak look again. Da pawnbrokes
still leada. Dan say:
"Whata da use—beesness ees beesness—I
stoppa right now."
Rig crowd rush up, and Dan he’s getta
right down to da biz. Joosta hees getta da
good propozeesh, Weelyum Telia he’s bust
through da gang an' grabba Cupida by da
throat ,
Cupida looka wise once more.
"Lookn here, Weelyum, you pretty good
skata. I'm gona go flfty-flff with you on da
golda ap.”
"Im from Weesconsln—you gotta give me
da look,” say Tella. He’s try ketcha Dan’s
goats but Dan only smile lak anyteeng.
“Where ees Achilles?” say Dan.
"On da Jobba." say a voice, an' Achlll
elbow da pawnbrokes all over da lot.
"Well, looka here, young fellow,” say Dan,
"I gonna give you one chance to breaka
even, too. As da thlnga stand, I gotta da golda
ap. I gona keep him If I can, but I give you
J
“So Dan he’s j?etta rijfht on da job, an’ he’s been shoola—shoota
—shoota—shoota all de time ever since.”
da chance. Wo draw da straw, and da one
who getta da shortest one must go stan’ un
der da tree with da golda ap on da head. Da
other two will shoota at da ap. Da one who
hits da ap first will keep It for himself.’’
So Willie an’ Achlll say:
"Dan, go so far what you lak, you doan
look laka da crook. We tak your words.”
So dey draw da straw. Achlll he's getta
first pick an’ whatta you teenk? He’s pulla
out da leetle one!
■'Sacramento Chincon!” yella Achlll,
"Whatta bum luck!”
So Wlllyum Tella an' Dan Ouplda dey draw
da bow an’ arrow an' getta ready for da
big turkey shoot. Dan he's have da big rep
for da shoot with da bow an’ arrow. He say
to Tella:
"Go to It, Bill, I give you firsts chance."
“Bill he's tak good aim an’ — Oh, chan go
epangetto!—he MI8S!! Wlsa Dan! Doan
he know Tella ees da bum shot? Everbod'
he’s cheer when Dannie come up to da
scratch. He so cool what I dunno. He’s tak
da puff of da cigar an’ den he's lay him
down on da grass. Then he’s tak slow aim-
zip—he’s letta fly and hltta da—he's no hltta
da ap—no he’s hltta poor Achlll right
through da hearta!
Some smarta peepla gone tell you Dan
hltta Achlll In de gee stringa of his heela,
but I putta you wlsa righta now. He hita
Achlll right through da heart so sick I never
see a man looka! He's squatta down an'
holda his side. Venus she getta tip an’ shs
come on da run queeok. She see Achlll with
da harpoon In his alatta, so she kneel down
an' holda him in her arms.
Righta way ahe getta stuok on Achlll. Shs
call on da gods to sava him an’ dey taka da
tip an mak Achlll sit up lak a new man.
Venus she so glada she call Dan over an’
say:
"You mak me putty sore, Dan, but now
dear Achlll he’s all fine and dan da, so I
forglva you. In honor of dls teeng, I gonna
mak you knight of da bow an’ arrow. Every
time *pu ping anyone it will be a casa of—
I’ll call It LOVA, for it was you, Dannie,
whata made me fall for deesa guy here.”
Den she putta da wreatha da spage tt ‘rerun’
Dan’s necka. So Dan he’s getta right on da
Job, an he’s been shoota—shoota—Shoota—-
shoota all da time ever since. You can tell
when Dan has hltta da spot, because da fel
low he hltta looka ver’ dopa an’ silly. When
a fellow Is In lova you can tell righta way
quick. He's always have da shine on da
shoe, on da nails, on da hair, an’ a box
chociatta under da arm. Da harpoon doan
stick in da alatta but he’s dere.
HASHIMURA TOGO—Domestic Scientist-
By
WALLACE IRWIN
T HE Japanese boy-of-all-work
finds that the usual pet
name for American hus
bands is “Don’t.”
Published by Permission of GOOD
HOUSEKEEPING MAGAZINE.
H ON. MR.:
At home of Mrs. Washington Fillups
where 1 was employed as recently as 3
days of yore I obtain many chances to observe
some ladles when they cull.
One day Mrs. Oliver Hix approach & make
ring ring in front door which 1 oped to permit
her In. I notice she was displayed very sty
lishly with calling-card appearance. Her goldy
hair contained one (1) velvet hat of extreme
blackness and her dress was all surrounded
with fringes like a piano-cover or like that
Indian costume of Hon. Buffalo Bill.
"Are Mrs. Fillups to home?” she Inquire
prldefully poking forth her name with card.
"She are,” I report. "Yet I must go to
see If she will acknowledge It”
Hon. Mrs. Fillups were up In sewing-room
mending sox with considerable darn. When
I told her who was there she report, "Her
again?" Then she dust off her nose, reorgan
ize her hairpins and trot downward to where
Mrs. Hlx waB.
Kles-kisB heard. Joy shrieks. Conversations
In soprano duet.
It was my duty to massage off the mahogany
furniture In dining-room annexed to parlor, so
how could I avoid overhearing what they said?
1 did not attempt to do so, however much I
tried. It was my duty to polish that furniture
In dining-room, so there I was. If ladles can
not keep their conversations hushed servants
cannot make their ears behave. TMb Is human-
natural.
After dls-cnsslng toplcks like baby, coal bills
& other luxuries, they commenced gossiping
about some articles of furniture I could not
understand. Their voices was so Interrupted
I could not catch-all, but this Is what I heard:
Mrs. Hlx say: "I permit mine to set In par
lor when company comes. This Is most ostenta
tious place."
From this I thought she was talking about
a piano.
"1 move mine Into library every night after
dinner," revoke Mrs. Fillups. "He are too
smoky for parlor.”
From that I supposed she was talking about
a stove.
"1 have had mine for ten continuous years,"
say Mrs. Hlx saddlshly, "and from experience
I am sure they are all alike. No use to be
neat and tidy when they are there. They will
not stay put like other furniture. Set them In
one place and you will find they have moved
somewhere else. Dust seems to collect where-
ever they stand.
7^
>
”1 have never seen one that could make a
baby comfortable. Neither are they able to
hold a newspaper without dropping It careless
ly here & there," report Mrs. Hlx with saddish
grone of despair.
"And yet strange thing," Interject Mrs. Fil
lups, "how useless home would seem If It did
not contain one!”
Mrs. Fillups and Mrs. Hix now make whisper
with hissy voices. 1 could not hear, although
both my ears stood endwise with excitement.
I wish folks would not be so Becretlve when
they have secrets!
Copyright. IBIS, by the Stax Company. Great Britain Klshta Keserved.
Pretty soonly Hon. Hlx Lady make uprising
and depart off. More kiss-kiss ceremony. She
go. Then she step back and say more. She
go again, but come back for an encore. More
conversations containing secretive talk. Ladies
Is always thus-—they tell all the Important
news In the postscript.
Pretty soonly she was gone entirely. I
step forth to Mrs. Fillups.
"Do you not require that I should know all
peculiarities about your furniture?” 1 ask It.
"Absolutely everything," she outcry.
All well then,” 1 renig. "There Is some
thing I wish to know what. In recent con
versation which I overheard accidently while
standing at a key-hole,
I hear you speak about
one article of furniture
which I am not familiar
of. By the way you de
scribe it, it sets In par
lor like piano until it
begins smoking like a
stove; then you move
it to library, where It
holds baby like a cradle
and supports a news
paper like a table I
When you set it any
wheres It moves nerv
ously from room to
room, dropping dust
like a elephant It is a
failure at everything
around the house, yet
you say so that no
home Is complete with
out one. What kind of a
connundrum are you
talking about, please?"
S’)
"My husband,” report Mrs. Fillups, as she
elope away.
This husband belonging to Mrs. Fillups are
quite a large gentleman. I am not 6Ure if hus
band ooraes In regular sizes, but I should think
Hon. Fillups was abut size 46. It are delicious
ly difficult to housekeep him.
Mrs. Fillups spend all day-long cleaning up
after his departure and preparing for his next
visitation. Her favorite pet name for him is
"Don’t.” •
When he encroach home by evening train
she meets him on her door-mat with cheerful
smiling. Yet she has got her watch eye open
for his uncivilized ways.
"Don’t track snow on rug, dearie. Don’t
wear rubbers In house. DON’T leave them on
front steps like a tenement.” Hon. Fillups are
one of those husbands which begins to obey
orders after the damage is done.
"Darling, don’t leave it on sofa,” she report
when he remove off hat & coat "Don’t lay
cigars on mahogany table, & DON'T whistle
In house.”
When he make wash-hand ceremony she say,
"Don’t dry your thumbs on clean towels!”
"What are clean towels for?” he ask sad-
dishly.
"I hang them in bathroom to show company
how extravagant we are with our laundry,”
rejolnt Mrs. Fillups. "In this era of hard
times towels are not made merely to be used.”
Dinner Is served. At Hon. Table where they
set there she resume conversation. "Don’t tip
soup plate In eating it,” she report cow-cat-
tishly. Don’t stand up while carving mutton.
Don't eat salad with oyster fork!”
When dinner Is completely finished Hon.
Fillups promenade In direction of parlor. His
teeth now contains one enlarged tobacco pipe
of sunburned appearance.
"Don't!!” holla Hon. Mrs. with ghost-voice.
"The parlor must be saved from that pipe. I
have prepared the library for your comfort,
where you can set among the books you love
and read the newspapers. There you can
do what you like and feel homeful.’’
So he continue through the evening, setting
In his cuff-sleeves, smudging his pipe and
looking very misfit.
Last Wednesday morning when he was de
parting off for his office he says with hopes:
“I shall bring college friend Charlie Stringer
home for dinner, If convenient"
"Don't!" she say continuously.
"For why?” he ask out
“Because,” she snigger. "Wednesday are
Irish stew night, and we are scarce on this
economical vegetable. Sifflcient for three are
less than enough,”
"Oh then!” he report "Charlie and me shall
dine together at the Runabout Club, where
hasty food can be obtained abundantly day and
night."
“Don’t!" besearoh Mrs. Fillups. Too late for
reply.
That evening by late P. M. that dinner plate
for Mr. Fillups set lonesome. Mrs. Fillups re
main by table weeping Into bill-of-fare.
"Why do you weep?” I require at lengthly.
"He will not return home for meals when
I do everything for his comfort!” she sub.
"Mrs. Madam, excuse my chivalry, but I
must speak a lecture,” I say forth, "if yon
would be less careful of his comfort, maybe he
would be more comfortable. Many husbands
quit home because It Is too beautiful. I realize
that they do not know wbat Is best for them.
They are cross-eyed in their Intelligence. Yet
are It not better to permit them to be miserable
In their own way, If this makes them happy?
You must remember: Husbands should not bs
furniture for their home—Home should be
furniture for the Husband. 1 speak this be
cause I saw It."
"Elsewhere Is best place for such a wise ser
vant!” snlb Mrs. Fillups leaping to her feets.
Bo I project myself away feeling quite ab
sorbed like a sponge.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMTTRA TOGO.
Sparkles from the Diamond
H i
Does a Hen Cross the Road?
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YOU,
fEINE ZIMMERMAN Is a great
admirer of Johnny Evers, his
manager, and also of johnny’s
gray matter. The Cub manager
once faced Howard Camnitz in the
batting box, and Howard came
close to "beaning” the industrious
Trojan.
Frank Schulte warned Johnny
not to stand so close to the plate.
"Look out, Johnny; he'll crack
you on the head.” Several other
Chicago players warned Evers
against being thumped on the
head.
Zimmerman blurted out from
the bench:
"Nevermind, Johnny; let him hit
you on the head. If he does, I’U
go out on the field and pick up
some of your scattered brains and
be the wisest player in the league.”
B
ALL players are unanimous In
walk In the world- Fred Merkle
la the latest member of the brig
ade which is a unit In declaring
that the longest stitch of ground
Copyright. ISIS, by th« Star Company.
ever covered is from the plate to
the bench after striking out when
a hit might have turned the tide
of battle.
Merkle struck out twice the
other day, and when he returned
to the bench the Becond time
Matty taunted Fred by asking
him If the walk wasn't the long
est he ever took. Merkle agreed,
and added:
"That’s one time when a player
doesn't know what to do with his
hands and feet."
rpHE ever popular Mike Donlin,
one-time captain and star
slugger of the champion Giants,
like every sport notable, has a fa
vorite yarn. This Is Mike’s:
“Two negro convicts were dis
cussing modern and anolent meth
ods of exterminating murderers.
One load of coal said:
“‘I doan like that ol' time stunt
of hangln' a guy; that’s rough
neck work.’
“ ’Well, how'd you shuffle ’em
off?’ Inquired the other.
" Tut in favor of lectrick
Ur—4 Britain tttghta It— rrral.
chair. It woiks smooth like glass
and neber musses you up.’
“‘No, it doan hurt much,’ re
plied the other dark cloud. 'Only
ruins yo; dat’s all.’ ”
«Y C
and when Quigley picked up th»
small whlskbroom to dust off the
plate, one disgusted “fan” yelled:
"Use your head on it, Quigley.”
“Don’t you do it,” yelled back
another; “you'll scratch It.”
r OD haven’t made a base hit
in sixteen seasons!" roared
a fan to old Billy Gilbert one day,
when the score was 4 to 1 against
the Giants and every base was
occupied by a New York player.
As an echo to the remark came
the crack of Gilbert’s bat, and as
the ball went over ths fence and
Gilbert came in with the winning
run, the tan was heard to exclaim
in no uncertain tones:
"Never again!”
TJDRING Umpire Quigley’s stay
^ at Ebbet’s Field a few weeks
ago, he gave some decisions which
made him very unpopular with the
crowd. On one occasion he de
clared a runner out at third and
deprived the Brooklyn team of a
chance to score. The decision
called forth a storm of protests
and uncqmpUmantary remlrks.
TALES TOLD
BY OUR OWN
JOKESMITHS
The Object of It.
Mrs. Crawford—I don’t see howl
you could join such a club whemyoa
don’t see the object of It
Mrs. Crabshaw—You see, dear, 15
meets Mondays, and that’s the onl>.
day In the week I had no plac» to
go.
t
Consanguinity.
"There seems to be a strange
affinity between a darky and a chick
en. 1 wonder why?” said Jones,
"Naturally enough," replied Baown.
“One Is descended from Ham»and
the other from eggs.”
(
Her Vendeta.
Mrs. Tiptop—I am sorry yotWwerei
not at my reception last eventog.
Mrs. Highup (coldly)—I received,
no invitation.
Mrs. Tiptop (with affected anr-
prise)—Indeed? It must have mis
carried. I had among my guest*
three foreign counts.
Mrs. Highup—So that Is where
they were? I desired to engage
them last evening to wait at table
at our card-party supper, but the
employment agent told me theytwere
out.
Mad Wag.
Teacher (reading aloud)—Hh»
weary sentinel leaned on his gun and
stole a few moments' sleep.”
“I bet I know where he stole it
from.” j
"Where, Dotr S ,
"From his ‘nap'-sack."
I
A youth was forbidden the priv
ilege of calling upon the daughter of
a very prosperous farmer. Upon the
pretext of "fixing'’ his automobile,
he spent an hour or more at the
farmer's gate. Calling the maid-ofr
all-work, the farmer asked, “Why
does that jackass linger so long?"
The girl said: "Oh, sir, there la
something wrong with the carbu
reter."
"That might be,” snapped the
farmer, "but there Is nothing the
matter with the prevaricatorf"
Proximity Meant Safety,
In spite of his well-known poor-
marksmanship, a certain Englishman
was invited to the country for a
day’s shooting. The attendant in
great disgust witnessed miss after-
miss.
“Dear me,” at last exclaimed the
sportsman, "but the birds seem ex
ceptionally strong on the wing this 1
year! ”
“Not all of ’em, sir,” came the
remark. “You’ve shot at the same
bird this last dozen times. ’E’s fol-
lering you about, sir.”
"Why?” asked the sportsman.
"I dunno, sir, I’m sure,” replied
the man, “unless ’e’s ’anging round
for safety.”
A G(h)astly Mistake.
“I’m going down to the gas comp a--
ny’s office to have a row,” he re
marked.
“Why, have they overcharged!
you?”
“I should think they have. My
house was shut up all last quarter,
and yet here’s a Mil half as large
again as the previous quarter, ni
see them hanged before I pay a
penny of it. The robbers!"
Four hours later they again met
“Well,” the overcharged man was
asked, “did you kick up a row down
at the gas office?”
"No, not exactly; I had Intended .
to, but ”
"They bluffed you?"
“I wasn't exactly bluffed.*
"You told ’em your house had been
closed all the quarter?"
“Yes; hut they Insisted that -fte>
gas had been burned."
"And you ”
“Oh, I paid the bin, I happened
to remember that when I got homo
I found that four burners had been
left alight and flaring away the whalw
quarter, and so I paid.”
pAT FLAHERTY’S return ball
kept him in fast company a
long time after he had nothing
else. He would shoot the ball
over, and it the batter missed it
the catcher would fairly bullet
the ball back to Pat, who would
instantly return It before the bats
man regained his balance from
the previous swing.
Once Flaherty threw to Larry
Doyle, captain of the Giants.
Larry missed and spun around
like a top, Pat Immediately fired
in his return ball. Doyle was still
revolving, and, coming around for
the third time, his bat met the ball
and sent It soaring to deep field
for a borne rua, scoring what ul
timately proved the winning run.
That blow almozt broke Pat’s
heart and really started him on
the road to the minors, . _____'
Not Clear.
At a trial in court when the wit
ness In the box was being subjected
to a merciless cross-examination, in
answering one question the witness
nodded. Whereupon the court stene
ographer, who was crowding the
limit to get it an and could not see
the witness, at once demanded;
“Answer that question," to which the
witness replied!
“I did answer It; I nodded my
head.”
The stenographer, without a mo<
meat’s hesitation, came right back)
with, "Well, I heard it rattle, but
could not tell whether It was up
and down or from side to side."
They All Fall for ’Em,
Wanted—Burly, beauty-proof India
! ridual to read meters In female Bern-
t inaries. We haven’t made a nlokej
Jin txa jfaftrg, J&g Gag