Newspaper Page Text
10
American Sunday Monthly Magazine Section
Tke Absent-Minded Groom
<&3
ILL is certainly an absent-minded
person. His mind is so absent
sometimes that he hasn’t it at
all. Bill is the kind of man who
will walk with one foot on the
curb and one in the gutter and
worry about getting lame. If
he were frying eggs, he’d put the
butter on the burner and throw
the match in the frying-pan.
Well, in one of Bill’s absent-
minded fits, he proposed to a girl
and she accepted him. I’ve always had a mighty
good hunch the girl didn’t care much for Bill, though
he was a fine fellow at that, but I think she liked
Bill’s money. Funny thing about him, he was just
rolling in cash—made it all himself, too, in spite of
his absent-mindedness. Some people said it was
because of it.
Bill would speculate in wheat or stocks or some
thing of the sort one day and then forget all about
it. A few weeks later his broker would hand him a
check. Bill never remembered about the money he
lent to his friends—in fact he was so easy about it,
and so surprised and delighted when you handed
him what you owed him that it wasn’t any fun to
stick him. All Bill’s friends would make it hot for
anybody who tried to sting Bill, because Bill, they
said, was too absent-minded to look after himself.
Of course Bill had forgotten all about the proposal
the next day, but the girl hadn’t—and she drove
around to the office that evening and took Bill home
in her little runabout, and Bill was so ashamed of
having forgotten that he trotted right into a jewelry
store and bought the ring, thus cinching himself.
There was another chap in love with the girl, and
people said she was really in love with him, but he
hadn’t any money, which is a bad way to be in this
commercial age. Poor, old blundering, absent-
Merton praley
minded Bill asked this
chap to be best man,
not because he cared anything much about him, but
because he happened to be around when Bill thought
of the fact that he must have a best man. And the
other man accepted, which was a strange thing for a
broken-hearted man to do.
Everybody said that Bill would probably forget
to come to the wedding, and a lot of stuff like that,
but he didn’t. The other fellow, true to his duty,
stuck close to Bill the last two or three days before
the ceremony, saw to it that Bill was dressed right
and took him to the church. They started down the
aisle together toward the altar, but Bill saw a girl
in one of the pews whom he hadn’t seen for years,
and he forgot
wedding and
talk with
“So you’re
r i e d, ” she
they had
hands. The
full of people
stared at
didn’t care—
Bill looked
aisle and saw
standing at
The wedding
beginning to
bride was
looked dazed
and then his
“Why, no,
I’m best man.
Why, no,” he said, “ I’m
not being married,
I’m best man ”
it w a s his
stopped to
her.
to be mar-
said, when
shaken
whole church
turned and
them,butBill
or notice,
d o w n the
the best man
the altar,
march was
play and the
coming. Bill
for a moment
face cleared,
he said, “I’m not being married.
What would I be doing here if I were
the groom? Will you excuse me while I get to the
altar and perform my duties.”
So Bill skated swiftly down to the altar, while all
the guests stared and whispered. He shoved the other
He bought the ring, thus cinch
ing himself
man into place beside
the bride, and pro
ceeded to conduct him
self as a best man
should. The other man
looked a trifle startled
then he grinned—and
the ceremony wenton.
The minister was mum
bling his phrases, the
bride was looking at the minister, and it wasn’t until
the whispering among the guests became a titter,
the titter a laugh, and the laugh a roar that the min
ister gazed at the bridegroom and realized that he
had the wrong man.
Bill appeared puzzled, the bride, who had come
very near balking at the altar, especially when she
had thought of her real lover gazing reproachfully
at her, started, stared, blushed, grew radiant—and
right before the whole churchful threw her arms
about the other man’s neck and clung to him.
The puzzled expression vanished from Bill’s face.
He smiled genially at the minister.
“Gee,” he said, “it’s fierce to be as absent-minded
as I am. For a minute I thought we’d got mixed up
and that I was supposed to be the groom. Wouldn’t
that have been a joke, if May had married the best
man instead of the groom? Well, what are we wait
ing for—diet’s go ahead and finish.”
So the blushing bride and the radiant best man were
married and Bill played best man to the best man in
fine style, and kissed the bride in a friendly fashion
after the ceremony, and was the life of the party. Next
week the bride and groom moved to another city.
Bill is still single.
I saw the other man about a year ago. He said:
“You can’t tell me Bill is absent-minded. He had
a wise hunch, that’s all. Take it from me, I know/”
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