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THE STORY OF MY
By Evelyn Thaw
Chapter XIV.— Evelyn Thaw's Secret—the
Discovery of the Greatest Joy That
Can Ever Enrich a Woman's Life.
LIFE-
Written by Evelyn Nesbit Thaw.
Copyright. 1913, by Star Company.
Book Righta Reserved by Evelyn Nesbit Thaw.
T HIS chapter embraces the happiest, the most solemn mo
ment of my life.
The moment when I realized that the greatest ex
perience of woman was to be mine.
I was to become a mother!
There has been so much mystery thrown about this motherhood
of mine. I know that I myself am responsible for a great part
of It. And yet the clue to all ray actions at that time Is so sim
ple that I marvel all have not understood It at once. That all
do not has been made amply clear to me by letters, by gossip,
by the tone of the newspaper stories. Whatever -I did 1 did for
reasons ample and sufficient to myself. 1 have to-day no regrets.
Why did I withhold from Harry that wonderful revelation
that we were to have a child? Why did I go far away and bear
my child In secret, and why did I hide Its very existence for
almost two years?
I answer: If Harry had loved me 1 would have done none of
these things. Even If the Thaw family had shown me any kind
ness 1 would have done none of them. I would have run to
riarry and told him; 1 would have gone to Mother Thaw.
How would all our lives have 'been changed if 1 had told? I
do not know. That they would have been changed I am sure.
But how? For better or for worse? I do not like to muse upon
that. The thing Is done and I have no regrets.
It had been my purpose to tell In this chapter more of Harry's
threats against me. more promised violence. I find I Cannot
After all, what does it matter? I write of my own personal an
nunciation, and I shall tell no more of my husband's madness
and weakness than Is necessary to make clear my own motives.
And It is a chapter that ( believe every woman will under
stand.
t went to Matteawan hoping that I could tell Harry. I left it
without telling him. And 1 have never spoken to my husband
since.
Let me tell it all.
I had been going on passionately with my modelling. You
must not Imagine, though, that I was selling or even attempting
to sell any of my figurines. At this early stage that would have
been quite too extraordinary. I was striving, practising, learning.
I had now no communication at all with any member of the
Thaw family. I was still supported, after h fashion, however,
by Thaw contributions. Harry saw to that. It was a passion of
his to keep me wholly dependent upon him. But neither he nor
his family gave me any assistance In my efforts to satisfy cred
itors—who had ever been so ready to let the wife of Harry
Thaw run up bills. I had to face the constant annoyance of
duns and suits for balances long overdue alone.
The money came to me through Dr. Slllo, the Thaw family
physician. I usually called on him on Monday and he handed
me such proportion of what 'I had a right to expect as the Thaw
agents were willing to let me have. At times the amounts were
very small.
My confidence in myself was growing. And yet—It seemed
that I must wall years before I grew proficient enough as a
sculptor to gain Independence of the Thaw dole. How could I
escape more quickly?
It came to me suddenly. Imust go to Paris. There was the
fount and centre of all art. There, under the masters. I might
accomplish In a year what would take me five, perhaps, In New
York. But how could I go there? Where would I get the money?
I didn't want much money. I had learned from experience how
to endure hardship. I did not court hardship, but I knew how to
endure it without Injury to health or spirits. 1 knew that I could
go back to hardships and deprivations. If necessary, in order to
carry out a wisely chosen purpose that led to personal Inde
pendence aDd usefulness In the world. I had been too short a
time surrounded with luxuries to have fallen under their ener
vating influence.
I had lived In a New York garret—why couldn't I live In a
Paris garret?
I figured out all the Items on the basis of Paris prices. Once
settled In mv garret, I could do It on a miserable $20 a week!
Well, where were those twenty dollars a week to come from
for a period of perhaps two or three years?
And then—
Then I was thrilled by a sudden Inspiration. I was a thorn
In the side of the Thaw family. While I remained available to
newspapers, distressing echoes of the “Thaw Case" would con
tinue. Wouldn’t the entire Thaw family rejoice to see me out
or rntr countryr tVuuluu't they five anything within reason to
Why, this discovery of my to_s»*t for art »as the solution of
everything! I was willing to vamr, yid upon terms that were,
tc» them, ridiculously easy.
I could not any longer approach Carry's family personally at
aM. Some of my friends did, however.
The result? Blank incredulity. That I had that kind of talent,
or sufficient devotion and steadfastness to pursue a long course
of study—absurd! The refusal was definite, absolute.
I Suddenly I set a firm foot upon my pride. I took my resolve
in my teeth.
! I would myself go to Harry Thaw In Matteawan.
I would reason, argue, persuade. I would go on my knees. If
peed be. I would win!
It was during this time of struggle, of hope, that the greater
knowledge had come to me—the greatest knowledge a woman
could have. I mean the approach of myjjaby to me out of the
Infinite.
Not a soul knew of it yet—not a living soul. Would I tell
1 Harry? Remember that no woman could be treated as I had
beenland not fee) some resentment. What guarantee bad
the unloved wife, the discarded daughter-in-law, that her baby
would not meet the same Indifference and coldness as she bad?
Or worse—the baby might be taken from her! I am sure most
women will understand my struggle.
Would I tell Harry?
Well, I would let Harry himself decide the question. I would
see whether ho still loved me—this even beyond the shadow of
a doubt. I would go to him with my Paris plan. Upon how he
received me and how he dealt with that plan would depend
whether I would tell him my secret—or go alone on my way
with my unborn baby.
If he loved me, and could convince me, I would tell. If not—
well, then at least I could shut all the old doors behind me
forever.
Dr. Slllo went with me to Matteawan.
Poor Dr. Slllo! I have said I had not breathed a word of my
great secret to a living soul. No one had suspected It, and al
though I bad been visiting the Thaw physician every Monday to
get my weekly allowance, he was completely In the dark about
it. 1 had to laugh. What a joke on the family doctor! Here was
I, included by my husband’s wish with other members of the
Thaw family as a subject for his professional attentions, and
be bad not the faintest inkling of a coming event that would
make the Pittsburgh sensation of the year.
There was but small excuse for the doctor, too.
And Dr. Slllo went with me to Matteawan. It was a long,
dreary trip to that dismal institution, with which I associated
so many mixed emotions. Happy hours, hours filled with dis
tressing doubts and mental anguish, even moments verging
close on the tragic, I had spent with my husband within those
walls. What now had I a reasonable right to expect? The whole
future wav to be decided—not only mine, but Harry’s and my
child’s!
When Harry Killed My Hope!
Dr. Slllo’s attitude and occasional remarks were reassuring.
Certain of his phrases remain fixed in my memory; “A fortu
nate solution—should be most welcome to the family—a splen
did solution!—can’t see how Harry can refuse”—and so on,
We were shown Into the visitors’ small room, and there Harry
was waiting to receive us.
We shook hands. He was smiling and very pleasant. He looked
well—as he always looked in Matteawan when nothing had hap
pened to arouse his anger, and the wholesome life and disci-
pline of the asylum had not been relaxed.
His face 'bore that smile, peculiarly winning and engaging,
which had led more than one expert to a hasty conclusion.
1 felt relieved, but my experiences in connection with his
other moods saved me from being overconfident. I knew Harry.
The Interview began very pleasantly. Dr. Silio was present
throughout it.
I told Harry about my work—how It interested me, how I
loved It and believed it would bring me success, perhaps fame.
"Very nice,” said Harry, still smiling. My heart sank.
“I am not asking you to take my word for it alone, Harry,” 1
said. “Celebrated sculptors and painters have given me volun
tary encouragement.”
Harry bowed—and continued to hold his smilingly listening
attitude. I went on with Increasing earnestness:
"They declare that I have unmistakable talent; that such
talent In a woman Is exceedingly rare. They have watched me
at work on my small, fanciful figures and my llfesize heads.
They have criticised, praised and advised with all the freedom
and candor they use toward 1 each other—just as though I were
one of them. Never in that patronizing, humoring way they
have with girls trifling with a pretty ‘accomplishment.’ They
agree that my work has true, legitimate merit, that I am en
dowed with this gift so rare In women, and that to neglect such
gifts, not to cultivate and develop them, is wasteful and wrong."
“Nice, very nice,” said Harry
The smile still lighted fils face. 1 wanted to wipe it off with
my hands. It was maddening. The commendation of my artist
friends, sane men of breadth and thought, who had accepted
me as worthy to become one of themselves, my whole ambition
and desire, was only "Nice, very nice," to Harry Thaw. Harry
Thaw—so much wiser, the Harry Thaw of Infallible authority
on all subjects—was humoring me. I was one of those girls
with a pretty “accomplishment.” It was pretty, and quite harm
less. Older and wiser persons could well afford to be Indulgent
with her! Oh. how I could read Harry!
But I was desperate to know all, and I took my rsSolve In my
teeth again.
"Harry," I said. “I want you to let me cultivate 'bis talent. I
want you to help me—it will be so easy for you, and it will
make things so much simpler and more agreeable for every one
concerned.
"You are giving me seventy dollars a week. With fifty—
twenty-five—1 could get along easily In Paris, and.study under
the best masters”
Now the smile was leaving Harry's face. I dreaded what
might be expected to replace it—for I had not yet lost hope and
I did want to tell him about baby. I did want to!
I went on quickly:
“If you have any objection to my going to Paris, then let me
go to Germany—-Munich will do as well. Only let me go some
where in Europe where this ambition which means so much to
me can be realized.”
He did not answer at once—In words. But I could no longer
be mistaken about what was coming.
As I finished my appeal, he shut his mouth with a Bnap. In
an instant his whole expression changed. Gone was the engag
ing am lie. In Ita place for a moment was a snarl. His whole
This photograph shows Evelyn hard at work with her sculpture—She was now reduced to poverty,
no furs or Isces; a sweater and a cheap skirt.
Evelyn Thaw Modelling from Life.
body stiffened. Came that insane look in his eyes which I had
always so dreaded and feared How well I knew it!
It Is what alienists call “the insane aspect." Harry’s eyes
glared at me. The eyeballs themselves seemed distorted. The
pupils were drawn down, and over each iris appeared an ab
normal expanse of "white.
Suddenly he spoke—his voice was harsh, his manner arro
gant.
“Certainly not! Do you think I’m going to have you make
anything of yourself?”
And then I knew, knew definitely and for all time, the truth.
There It was in a nutshell—his whole unchangeable determina
tion about me condensed Into a single sentence. Except through
him I must forever be nothing. I was a Chattel. Nothing else.
Yet I tried again.
“Harry,” I said, “listen. It ts very sad about you here. It
seems that you have got to stay for a while and convince people
that you are all right. It is easy for you to convince people
when you are your real self. Sad as It is for you to be confined
here, the regular life quiets and strengthens you."
I dropped into the free manner of speech that we had often
used in our intimate conversations.
“Remember, you’re ‘getting away with something’ here that
nobody else ever 'got away with.' Please let me go to Paris,
Harry. If you need me I’ll come back at a day’s notice and do
anything I can—as I have done all along.”
1 could see that I was making no impression upon him. He
simply glared, while that uncanny patch of white above each
iris seemed to grow larger each moment
“Look!” I said in desperation. “Here's Dr. Silio, your friend,
the friend and physician of your family. Surely you have faith
in him. Dr. Slllo knows what I’ve been doing. He knows what
this means to me, to you and all the rest. Let him tell you.”
Harry turned that insane glare on his friend and physician.
Dr. Slllo spoke for me without hesitation.
“I am not an expert,” he said. “I know little about art. But
I am aware that what Mrs. Thaw says is true. Undoubtedly she
has received great encouragement, unusual encouragement, from
those who are qualified to speak. I have talked with these per
sons and am familiar with their opinions. I think Mrs. Thaw’s
idea would be a splendid thing for everybody concerned.”
“This is the wildest Idea, the wildest dreaming," said Harry.
“I tell you Evelyn has no talent, and surely I ought to know.
She can't go to Paris—or Munich. I won’t have anything of the
sort. I won’t have her making anything of herself.”
There it was again, that terrible phrase. I thought of the
little life dependent upon me and tried to be calm. "I’ll come
back whenever you want me," I repeated. “I’ll do all I can to
help you. Haven’t I suffered enough?”
He thrust his face close to mine and snarled ait me. He spoke
through writhing lips:
"Look here, I’m the one who has suffered. You haven’t suf
fered any. All that talk about your great ‘sacrifice’ is rubbish.
That testimony didn’t hurt you at all. It made of you the great
est woman that ever lived. Everybody thought so. That's what
I’ve done for you.”
This was outrageous. I forgot that I was dealing with a
maniac I turned on him with indignation,
“It made me notorious,” I said. “It made me the most no
torious woman that ever lived.”
“It didn’t,” said Harry.
"It did," said I. "If you weren’t crazy you'd know that It did.”
We disputed like quarrelling children. I turned to Dr. Silio.
“Dr. Silio, am I not right? Did not that testimony make of
me the most notorious woman in the world?”
“Yes,” said the doctor.
It got worse and worse. 1 lost my temper entirely. Harry
lost his last vestiges of sanity in appearance and speech,
It was then that things were said, inspired by insane passion,
that robbed them, of any real significance, which found their
way into the newspapers in such magnified form. Probably I
was as reckless in my speech as he was.
When he had threatened to “shoot me, too”—or “supposed he
might have to”—(I have written about that scene in a former
chapter), he was comparatively cool, and in a deadly mood. 1
was terrified.
Now, with the complete loss of our tempers, I couldn't be
terrified, only further enraged by his mumbled mention of
things that ought to be done to me.
I ought to be shot—but he had no weapon. Shooting was too
good for me—poison was what I deserved—poison might
managed—poisoning was the idea—and if I’d lived in the days
of the Borgias It would have been an over with me long ago-
and served me right—and so on. '
“I won’t have you making anything of yourself," was his cm
stant phrase.
And how, I ask you, could I tell this man the great, the bob
secret in my heart. What hope for me or for my baby wa
there in this maniac who threatened me, who “wouldn’t hav
me make anything of myself”? Another abyss opened at m
feet—what guarantee had I that if they knew they would no
take my baby from me when it was born?
I left my husband with my secret untold.
We did not even ibid each other goodby. I think Harry, te
realized that it was the end. And as we left, Dr. Silio said t
me, apologetically:
“He's a sick man.” *
• * *
I went home to my little New York apartment sick, sick^s.
heart. For in my innermbst heart I had hoped.
"What’s the use? What’s the use?” I kept repeating to mysel,
For a while It seemed that the last ounce of courage ha
been drained out of me. I think I was more crushed by Harry
utter lack of sympathy for me as an individual human bein
than by anything else that happened during that interview. H
would not spend the amount of his cigarette money to help m
learn to take care of myself.
His determination to dominate me absolutely had swept ever
other consideration aside. All my argument had fallen like
house of cards before his crazily egotistical will that I shoul
continue to be nothing — nothing, except as controlled am
moulded and exploited by Harry Thaw.
For a few days I believe I was as nearly broken-hearted 98 ■ i
Evelyn Thaw in a Curii